The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Jon Stewart on Immigration Over the Years

Episode Date: February 1, 2025

Whether it's child refugees, Arizona's ridiculous immigration law, searching immigrants they find "reasonably suspicious," or "anchor babies," Jon Stewart has you covered on all things immigration.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Since October, 52,000 unaccompanied children have been picked up trying to cross into the U.S. What's driving these people north is crippling poverty and out of control violence in places like Honduras, Guatemala, and El Salvador. Wow, there are kids in trouble. You know what? I was always taught by my parents to follow the golden rule. Whenever you see a kid in trouble,

yell at them in a language they don't understand. Go home! Not our kids! Not our problem! Obama likes them so much, let him stay at the White House! Obama likes them so much, let him stay at the White House. Obama. That is an interesting suggestion. Although a grown man inviting thousands of kids to his house gives off a little bit of

a Neverland Ranch vibe. All right, so look, it's not like these countries developed problems overnight. Why the sudden kid explosion? Republicans point to the President's 2012 order that protects some children from deportation, but that applies only to those who enter the United States before 2007. If I have told kids fleeing violence and poverty once,

I've told them a thousand times. Immigrant minors seeking asylum post-2007 must apply at their consulate with form N400 and a biometrics fee. Then appear for a series of processing interviews to ascertain priority determination, unless they have family living in the United States, in which case they file form I-130.

And then you file form DS-260 under your NVC case number, unless of course you have skills attractive to an employer. Well, do you, do you? Child fleeing violence and poverty? Because if you do, you're gonna wanna go with form I-140. I mean, it's not that difficult, child. Now you may be wondering, if they didn't fill out the forms, can't we just deport these kids?

Well, first of all, what the f*** is wrong with you? These are children. Why would you even ask that? And second of all, good question. Why can't we just deport them? A 2008 law signed by President George W. Bush says children from countries not bordering the US cannot be immediately deported. Stupid liberals.

That's why we need a Republican in the White House and... Well, since we apparently have a process in place, why all the hullabaloo? They can appear in court and make the case for stain. Tens of thousands of undocumented and often unaccompanied children are overwhelming federal facilities. Well, of course, the agents of the Border Patrol are doing what they can to help these kids. I've watched them do everything from change diapers to heat formula.

Many of these are single young men who are not particularly good at that, but they're really getting better. It's all gonna be, it's all gonna be documented in the new hit movie, Three Men and 50,000 Babies. Steve, one of them, is that? Gutenberg's back, baby!

So we got ourselves a genuine humanitarian crisis. Unless someone would like to label it differently. World English Dictionary defines invasion. It's any encroachment or intrusion or advent of something harmful, as in a disease. Ah, Representative Louie Goert! He's like old faithful, if instead of hot water, it regularly shot out stupid. In the Constitution, under Article 1, Section 8,

it says that Congress has the authority to call for the military during times of invasion. You want the Marines on this one. You want tip of the spear. All right, now I'm not a military expert, obviously, but generally an enemy invasion force is not particularly dangerous until it can reach

and open its own cereal. Now, from what I know, even Hitler wasn't always an imminent threat. Actually, there's someone who works here. I know, I'm just, I'm waiting for the day when that kid, 20 years from now, just hunts me down, comes to my door and goes, yeah, it's real f***ing funny. Yeah, that's real, real funny. Anyway, so, humanitarian crisis, response system overwhelmed. Where have we seen this before? This, anybody, anybody, oh you!

Fellow Lone Star Republican Congressman Blake Blake Fahrenheit hold may or may not show This is President Obama's Katrina. Well, I Believe in this case. It's pronounced a Katarina Although to be fair when it comes to glaring gaps in what are supposed to be secure barriers I think Fahrenheit I think Fahrenheit knows what he's talking about. In fact, hang on, hang on, the crisis is so bad they're everywhere. No! Donde esta?

All right. You know, I wouldn't be so quick to blame Obama for this flood of immigrants. I mean, maybe they got the idea that America was a great place to come from some other people. We live in the greatest country in the world. The greatest nation in history mankind. The strongest, freest, greatest country. The greatest healthcare.

The greatest universities. The greatest schools. The greatest rise of freedom and opportunity. Greater than Solomon's Israel. The single greatest nation in the history of all mankind. The greatest country ever. I don't know about you, but I really feel like f***ing an apple pie right now.

Why would you not? Why would you not come to a place that great? In fact, it's why all of our ancestors came to this country and were themselves originally unwelcome. Because that's the story of America. From Ben Franklin's worries that Germans were ruining Pennsylvania to our 19th century 60-year ban on the Chinese immigrants

who had just finished building our rail system to our very real and justifiable concerns about the Irish and their insatiable applying for jobs. We have always been a nation of immigrants who hate the newer immigrants. Because Lady Liberty may appear to be a beacon to those yearning to breathe free, but the truth is she's actually a bouncer.

What does this draconian new immigration law do exactly? Increase border patrols? Taller fences? Piranha moat? Oh no. It makes it a state crime to be in the U.S. illegally. Legal immigrants must carry paperwork proving their status. You know, that's tough.

It's not unprecedented having to carry on your papers. It's the same thing that free black people had to do in 1863. Lord knows that didn't leave any residual anger. What's the fuss? Police are required to check anyone. They have a reasonable suspicion is illegal and people can sue local governments if they think immigration law is not being enforced. You can sue the police for not enforcing harshly enough.

Help! Police neutrality! How much of a reach is this bill? Well, let's hear what Tom Tancredo has to say about it. He's the guy who called Miami a third world country and said the Minutemen Border Patrol aren't vigilantes, they're heroes. I do not want the police here, there, Arizona, any place else, pulling people over, because you look like you should be pulled over. Holy s***!

He thinks you've gone too far, Arizona. Tom Tancredo! The man Mexican parents tell their kids about to get them to eat their vegetables. He thinks you've gone too far. It's, it's, he does. The man Mexican parents tell their kids about to get them to eat their vegetables. He thinks you've gone too far. He does. It'd be like Ted Nugent pleading with you to just put down the guns and talk this thing out.

But one of the bill's sponsors, State Senator Russell Pierce, explains how laughable, laughable, charges of racial profiling are. The charge by the opponents to this measure is that it will encourage, indeed almost mandate, racial profiling. You know, I have two children, two grandchildren that are Hispanic. And I'm going to miss them. For more on Arizona's immigration controversy, we go to Wyatt Snack live from Phoenix. Wyatt, how and anyway do you enforce this bill without racial profiling or violating the equal protection or search and seizure laws in the Constitution.

It's easy, John. The law is very clear. You only check people who are reasonably suspicious. Right. But if you don't catch them coming across the border, what would they be doing that would be suspicious as immigrants? Are they looking for people doing this? Of course not. That's ridiculous. They're looking for illegals. They're looking for people acting suspiciously, like gardening or burping white people's babies. But Wyatt, those are not illegal activities

in and of themselves, assuming you have the white parent's permission. Look, it's like obscenity. It's hard to describe it, but you know it when you see it. I'm sorry, what's that? You need my driver's license. All right. Look, John, here, let me give you an example, all right?

This guy right here walking down the street looks fine, right? I guess he looks fine. He is, but what about this guy? Uh, fine? No, he's not. He's reasonably suspiciously illegal. All right, let's try it again. This guy.

Whoa, no, that, yes! That's Jeffrey Dahmer. He's a it again. This guy. Whoa! No, that, yes! That's Jeffrey Dahmer! He's a cannibal and a killer. He is obviously suspicious. You have to arrest him! No! This isn't Hitler's Germany. You can't just pull people off the street for being hungry. What about this guy? No! No!

I mean, maybe I'd stop that last guy to get his autograph, but I'd... You collect autographs of illegal immigrants? No! That's not... That's punch from chips! I don't know what those two words mean. It was a TV show! It was a TV show in the 70s! Oh, because you're a baby boomer, you're too nostalgic to apply the law to suspicious illegal immigrants? No! Eric Estrada, I think, was born in New York. Wait, what's that?

You need my birth certificate, too. All right, give me a second. What's going on? John, I'm going to give you one more final chance. All right. What do you do? What do you do? Tick tock, man.

Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock to talk to talk. You arrest or just her. You arrest the monkey too. Why because he's gay you. We have laws to protect people John we have laws to protect people and flamboyantly gay monkeys all right.

And it's going to be like you that what what's... Oh, right, I'm getting it, man. Just hold on a second, dude. Why do you have to show your birth certificate and ID? It's cool, John. I'd stop me, too. I could be Dominican or something. But why... It's totally fine. Part of the law says, as a citizen of the United States, you're within your right to refuse to show identification.

Anyone can tell Arizona law enforcement, hey, I'm a citizen, and the police have to take you at their word. It's a loophole so big, you could drive a truck full of, oh, I don't know, day laborers through it. Sure, John, they'd never figure that one out in Arizona. Here's Sheriff Joe Arpaio. We either arrest them pursuant to our law enforcement on other types of crimes.

You hear that? They'll find something else to arrest me on. No, I'm not doing time over a busted taillight on my news van, no. Right, my birth certificate. It is right, ah! Who's gonna finish? Who's gonna finish? Who's gonna finish?

I don't understand. What's going on? John, let me take it from here. I guess I'm just one more illegal immigrant doing a job an American doesn't want to do. You're not legal in this country? No! I'll pay a long shot. Have they stopped you and asked you for ID? Oh come on, with these eyes? I get into movies for free with these baby blues. Why do you have an assault rifle? I don't know, they said I could carry one, so why the hell wouldn't I?

Alright, see you later Jason. Adios! I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't know what that means. Remember when the 14th amendment, remember when the 14th amendment, you know, the one that guarantees equal protection

under the law as well as citizenship for any person born in the United States. Remember when that was passed and how heated the issue became? I remember this one episode of actual crossfire in 1866. Senator Edward Cowan, R. Pennsylvania argued that if the amendment passed, California would be quote, overrun by a flood of Mongols.

That Californians would be immigrated out of house and home by the Chinese. And that it is utterly and totally impossible to mingle all the various families of men from the lowest form of the hot and tot up to the highest Caucasian in the same society. Boy, was that guy wrong. First of all, almost all of the various families of men

from 1866 have been successfully mingled from highest Caucasian through yellow peril and black Irish. But freeze your TiVo. You might enjoy this. And second, as far as California goes, the Chinese have only managed to take control of a small section of San Francisco and one really beautiful movie theater in Hollywood.

So our movie stars never fell for your devious Chinese foot and hand cement traps. Ha ha! They removed their extremities before it hardened. So the worries around the 14th Amendment never came to pass and yet suddenly 145 years later there is a move in a foot to rescind the law that makes anyone born in the United States a U.S. citizen specifically aimed at the children of illegal immigrants. My God, the hot and tot Mongol flood is back! Threatening to overwhelm us!

What's the issue about it this time? Anchor Babies. You mean the hottest new show on Nick Jr.? Anchor Babies? This is Brian Williams. This is Baby Brian Williams saying to you and your family, I just made a boom boom. Wait a minute, y'all are repealing the 14th Amendment to send a message to babies? You know,

look, I know it's babies, and it's hard to be tough on babies, but let's remember. Okay, wait, I'm gonna stop you right there. Here's a sign you shouldn't finish a sentence. When it begins with, I know it's hard to be tough on babies, but... The free ride is over, you drooling, diaper-soiling, poor motor control-having little s***s. Hey, hey, hey, moron! Object Permanence called. No, Object Permanence? No.

Thought you were special ed teachers. Can I get a piaget? Nothing? I'm sorry, crazy lady, you were saying? It's hard to be tough on babies, but let's remember we're talking about illegal aliens coming to this country for the purpose of birthing a child, not because they love the kid, because they want that child to provide them with the benefits of US citizenship Whose parents are exploiting you for citizenship Your parents yes, they are Yes

I think it's gonna I think it's gonna blow all right So one attorney talking crazy talk it's not like she's an elected official espousing some radical conspiracy theory. Your theory is that Al-Qaeda will send a pregnant woman over here, have a baby, and then start to train these babies to be terrorists? Is that right? Well, Eric, it's not just a theory. It's not just a theory. In fact, my doctor says it's a symptom of my syphilitic mind. The idea that Al-Qaeda is planting children here to be raised as sleeper cell terrorists, there is a kid in my son's kindergarten class, Osama Feldstein, who does kind of stand out. This is what I got the beard for.

Alright, but that's not a normal congressman, it's Louie Gohmert. He actually believes that hate crime laws lead to necrophilia, and that senators should be elected by state legislatures, and that the moon is made of whipped cream cream which a giant fat man eats every month. I only made up one of those. It's not like any of our more rational and respected political figures give this movement any credence. Birthright citizenship, I think, is a mistake.

That we should change our constitution and say if you come here illegally and you have a child, that child is automatically not a citizen. They come here to drop a child is called drop and leave. No, you call it drop and leave. I believe they call it the miraculous birth of their child. And why do politicians always have to give everything a catchy name, a shock and awe, cut and run? I'm against astronauts having sex in space.

Vote no on Tang and Bang. No selling Easter candy to pedophiles. You heard me. No peeps for creeps. I have 30 more of these. So much irrational, illegal immigrant hate. I just wish there was a voice of reason out there, someone who could see this issue clearly. My guest now, Lou immigrant hate. I just wish there was a voice of reason out there, someone who could see this issue clearly. My guess now, Lou Dobbs.

And the idea that anchor babies, though, require somehow changing the 14th Amendment, I part ways with the senators on that. I have to insist that we recognize those anchor babies as citizens of this country. babies as citizens of this country. Lou Dobbs thinks your immigration measure is too draconian.

Lou Dobbs Lou Dobbs who spent the last 15 years of his life trying to get Dora the Explorer deported. Thinks you've gone too far. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. It's gone too far.