The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Ko$ta Doin' Business

Episode Date: September 27, 2025

Celebrate Michael Kosta by making fat stacks with Kosta Doin' Business. Michael shares how to get rich during Trump's second term thanks to boomin' prison stocks, the impending climate crisis, liberals' love for yard signs, and a wise investment in Kleenex. Don't worry about trade wars, Starbucks's bathroom policy, or egg prices breaking the bank with these guaranteed money-making tips. Dive into America's mad money problems in the face of Trump's tariffs: panicked shopping on the rise, price hikes on everyday toys and goods, and the uncertainty around those precious iPhones. And don’t worry about Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill passing, because Kosta's cracking the code on how you can exploit Medicaid cuts, gambling taxes, and even Alaskan tax breaks to make some sweet dough. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. i'm chris hadfield astronaut and citizen of planet earth join me on a journey into the systems that power the world no politics just real conversations with real people shaping the future of

energy listen wherever you get your podcasts you're listening to comedy central Hey, hey, everybody. I'm Michael Costa, and this is Costa doing business, all right? Big shout out to our sponsor, cocaine. Cocaine. It's not illegal if you're white. Now, now that we know who our next president is, we're tracking a whole lot of movement in the market,

so how can you get rich off of Trump presidency? Hit me! Private prison stocks rose overnight after Trump selected immigration hardliner Tom Holman, as his borders are. Two big private prison companies, geo and Core Civic, both went up by more than 56%. And the chairman of Core Civic said, this is an unprecedented opportunity for them. They expect to make a lot of money in the coming months. A lot of money.

Prison stocks are booming and I'm a buying, all right? If profits off prisons are a crime will then lock me up. And if being filthy rich is a crime, then throw away the key. a vehicular manslaughter is a crime. Oh, I guess I'm in a lot of trouble. Uh-oh. Honestly, being in prison seems like fun. I mean, shooting hoops all day, drinking toilet wine all night, and in the friendships, you know?

I mean, what can I say? It's actually hard making male friends as an adult. I mean, shout out to my only true friend. Rick, you might ride or die, my man. Oh, moving on. Let's go. What else can we expect from President T. Rump? We all know he got that ass. We also know that he ain't going to do shit about climate change, which means it's time to make that climate change. Change. We've seen clean energy companies like solar companies see their

stocks relatively lower, and it makes many cases absolutely lower compared to oil and gas stocks. Uh, bye, bye, solar. Hello super storms, all right? And that means a Category 5, cash a cane are coming, and my bank account's about to be flooded, okay? And to capitalize, I'm buying any company that makes raincoats, all right? Rain hats, galoshes, rule of thumb, if Paddingtonne wears it, I'm buying it, all right? Because let me tell you, people, it's going to rain, it's going to rain, it's going to rain. It's going to rain. Look, I'm in the middle of a divorce right now, and I hit it.

a lot of my assets and Chili's gift cards. We're having a serious custody battle and I'm just hoping I can get my baby back, baby back, baby back. Seriously, though, it's getting really ugly and it's sad. Of course, the market isn't just reacting to Trump. It's also reacting to his cabinet picks. Hit me. Shares of dental care supplier, Henry Shine,

rose yesterday up by 7.5%. It's the best day since 2022. Investors are, of course, speculating that RFK Jr., Donald Trump's pick for Health and Human Services Secretary, might push to remove fluoride from the U.S. water supplies. Open your mouth and say, ah, yeah. Look, if you're not buying dental supplies, you're totally mental, my guys. I'm talking drills, tiny nears, and the third best cane, Nova cane. All right?

It goes, it goes cocaine, Michael cane, and, no. And yeah, yeah, I've had all three on my gums before, so I know what I'm talking about. What's that? You want another bump trump to make your wallet plump? I'm talking woke signage stock. Give me that thing, because the libs are going to be spending a lot of money on cute little signs in their window because they don't stand for hate. Meanwhile, I'll be standing on a fucking yacht in Monaco with my buddy Rick.

Look, we're not gay, but we do travel well together, all right? Now, last but not least, here's one more stock tip to make that cheddar drip. I'm talking about something every American is going to need these next four years, Kleenex. Libs are crying in them because they lost. Trumpsters are jacking off in them because they want, and I need Kleenex because give me them. Because I get a lot of nosebleeds for some reason. It's crazy. Now look, thanks for watching.

And as always, if you lose all your money because of me, hey, that's just the cost of doing business. Hey, Rick, come into the line back there. During the Volvo Fall Experience event, discover exceptional offers and thoughtful design that leaves plenty of room for autumn adventures. And see for yourself how Volvo's legendary safety brings peace of mind to every crisp morning.

commute. This September, Lisa, 2026 XE90 plug-in hybrid from $599 bi-weekly at 3.99% during the Volvo Fall Experience event. Conditions supply, visit your local Volvo retailer or go to explorevolvo.com. I'm Michael Costa, and this is the Costa doing business where I teach you how to make fat stacks of stinking cash. So tonight's segment is sponsored by Men's Swearhouse, the first members-only club for guys who love to curse. Men's Swearhouse, you're going to shit the way you f***. Now, full disclosure, I'm a part-time owner and we aren't doing well. Now, that's all the reason to make a little badly needed money,

starting with the Super Bowl this Sunday. I don't know about you, but I plan on watching the game Ebenezer Scrooge style peering into my co-worker's window while he cares for his sick child. It's going to be fun. And thanks to Big Daddy Trump making Mexico bend the knee, I'm going to be turning some green mash into that green cash. Hit me. Trump struck a last-minute deal with Mexico, putting a 30-day pause on those tariffs.

Avocados are going to sell a lot in the next week. It's what, Sunday, the Super Bowl. So if that tariff, it hit, the retail price would have jumped up at least 25%. And everybody's guacamole would have been that much more expensive. Ai, Chihuahua. Graziez for the Dinero for Biblioteca, eh? That's right. No tariffs

means avocados are going to be flying off the shelves faster than Speedy Gonzalez. But you should be bullish on all things guacamole, mole, mole, mole, molly. Of course, I'm I bought thousands of artic avocados,

thinking there would definitely be a trade war. So now, Daddy's got a U-hole full of avocados parked in saccaucas. And let me tell you something, they're rotten pretty fast, which reminds me this segment is sponsored by Miguel Costas brown guac, okay? It's as tasty as it is brown.

I knew you would love it. Moving on. It's been a crazy week in the market, and my phone is chichiching and off the his, his, his hook. There's a trade war. There's not a trade war. The market's up. It's down. But as I always say, volatility means profitability. That phrase is coined, and with panic in the air,

no company is capitalizing on that more than Daddy Starbucks. I said, hit me! You now need to buy something at Starbucks if you want to use the bathroom or just hang out there. Starbucks CEO says the goal is to bring back the coffee house vibe that's diminished in recent years. Hell yeah, Starby, more places need to do stuff like this to fight loitering like my local park. Hey, buddy, buy a tree or get the fuck out. But seriously, this is a genius new business model. People need to take dumps.

So what do you do? Make them buy coffee, which guess what? Makes them need to take a dump of more. Which means they need to buy another coffee. Get it? Next thing you know, they're 400 coffee dumps deep, living in a tent outside the Starbucks bathroom. That's why I'm rating this move a Mikey-likey.

Okay? Now, yeah, moving out, a Mikey-Likey. One of the biggest stories of the week is the rising price of eggs. Now, if you watch this program regularly, like I'm sure you do, you might have heard me say this a few times ago. Come here, come here, come here. I guarantee egg prices will drop come February. You can bet the farm on it.

People saying, but constant, the bird flu's getting really bad. So what? Chickens aren't birds. They're chickens, you mouth-breathing imbeciles. All right. So it turns out chickens are birds. Fine. I'm not a bird doctor. I'm a human. And now that I know this, let's make some money. This morning, egg prices soaring. The average price for a dozen eggs, now more than $5.

And in some local markets, prices are as high as $19. The biggest reason, bird flu. According to the USDA's price outlook, egg prices are predicted to increase another 20% this year. There have also been egg shortages, leaving shoppers racing to. to double up what's available. You got me. Egg prices are nuts. Seriously, what do we got to do? Take out a mortgage just to make an omelet?

What do I got to do? Sell my car so I can buy a fritata? What do I got to do? Pretend to be the long-dead husband of the wealthy widow Belvedere, finally back from the Korean War. Then one night in the middle of her sponge bath, I sneak off and write myself into her will,

but as I'm forging her name, I realize behind all of her life, all those wrinkles and skin tags lies the kindest, gentlest soul I've ever met. But when I rush into the bathroom to tell her I love her, she's dead. Someone left her in the tub alone, and she's dead. Just to afford a few huebos rancheros? I mean, aye, caramba! It's out of control.

But don't worry, Eggheads. With high prices comes high opportunity. That's why I'm hella bullish on ladders, okay? They help you climb trees so you can steal eggs from a buzzard's nest, which means I'm also going all in on ointment and bandages, because as I always say, Mama Buzzard don't play like that. Now look, I know egg prices can really scramble your bank account. Your bottom line is getting poached, but hey, you think these egg prices are painful. You should try paying to freeze your wife's eggs,

and then watching her new husband, Blake, fertilize them. Let's just say I wasn't too excited to find out about that. I've been sleeping like shit. Well, that's all for this edition of Costa doing business. I'm Michael Costa, reminding you the Money Can't Buy Happiness. Have a great Valentine's Day, everybody. Oh, hi, buddy. Who's the best?

You are. I wish I could spend all day with you instead. Uh, Dave, you're huff mute. Hey, happens to the best of us. Enjoy some goldfish cheddar crackers. Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish. Bank more oncores when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package.

Learn more at scotiabank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank, your rich. than you think. What up, players. This is the Costa doing business, and I'm Michael Costa. So let's make some fat stacks

of that stinking cash. But first, I know what you're thinking, all right? And just to clarify, I didn't jump off a building because of the market crash, all right? This happened because I couldn't pay my Coke dealer after the market crash. And then he threw me off a building.

What up, Hector? Anyways, all the more reason to get down to making some of that monae, okay? Now, this week, Big Daddy Trump's game of tariff, no tariff caused a lot of selling on Wall Street, but on Main Street, everybody's still singing, bye, bye, bye, but it's spelled B-U-Y. Hit me!

With fears that prices will be going way up, some Americans have started panic buying. Consumers going on a tariff-induced shopping spree, from appliances to alcohol. hoarding items like toothpaste and toilet paper. We were talking about it that we should buy some rice because we get rice that's made in Thailand. And we said we don't really need it right now,

but we're going to buy it. Yep, that's right. American consumers are acting like me when I saw my Coke dealer. They are panicking. Now, as a rule of thumb in a financial crisis, you should never panic. Then again, rules of thumb were meant to be broken.

And I'm talking repeatedly smashed in a car trunk over and over again. But where there is panic, there are ah, panic tunities. If people are snapping up rice, then call me the rice patty daddy. Because you're looking at a guy who just converted his entire bathroom into a rice paddock. Yep. Look, and if anyone has a contact at Whole Foods, Sensei Costa's toilet rice is still looking for a distributor.

Now, of course, grocery stores aren't the only ones caught up in Uncle DJT's. economy lobotomy now to me despite a 90 day pause for other countries tariffs on china are still sky to the high hit me oh jesus u.s tariffs on chinese goods soared to 1004 percent on everything from clothing and shoes to toys it could soon be much harder to get your hands on tonka trucks care bears and even the new nintendo switch two that's out this summer with companies opting to pause shipments to the u.s swiss watches and x-ray tubes for catscans could also be impacted with the tariff wars. Oh, sorry, kids.

These tariffs are affecting all your toys, care bears, Nintendo switches, X-ray tubes for cat scans. Now, you're never going to know what's going on inside of your care bear. Well, until puberty, am I right? Up top. But seriously, these are just the kind of sacrifices we need to make to get the economy back to where it was 10 days ago. So, with toys...

With toys in the red, that means I'm buying up children's tears, okay? These things, these things go for $10,000 an ounce on the streets of Silicon Valley. What do you think Mark Zuckerberg fills his cold plunge with, all right? That's how he keeps it, so Zuckerberg. So Daddy T's tariffs are going to be affecting some sheds that we don't care about, like child's happiness or you're a strange grandma's 401K, but who cares? Because you weren't getting that money anyway, not since your ex-wife.

told her about what you did in Sarasota during a crypto conference, and even though you agreed to counseling and couples therapy, and you deleted all the dating apps from your work phone, and you swore you'd never be caught with $5,000 cash and a Costco-sized bottle of amyl nitrates ever again, it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. So, fuck you, Grandma.

But that doesn't mean Papa Trump's tariffs aren't going to impact things that we do care about, like iPhones. Hit me! Apple's seeing a wave of panic buying for iPhones as higher prices loomed due to Trump's tariffs. In iPhone 16 Pro Max, already $1,200, could jump by another $350. When it comes to Apple, they were finding

as many 747s as they could to get iPhones out of China. Planes stuffed with billions of dollars of iPhones to arrive before the tariffs take effect. That's right. That's right. iPhones are flying here, business class, so Apple can make a little business cash. But refugees fleeing a wicker, wicker war, they're not going to make it, are they? So that little shiny rectangle in your pocket is now worth a whole lot of wika wika money, which is why I'm bullish on unsupervised coat checks, okay? These rooms are teeming with tariff three phones. All it takes is a cater waiter uniform, and you'll be hard.

harvesting apples like a family in autumn you're no longer allowed to see anymore. Hey, hey, Siri, how much green gravy did I just make off this iPhone tariff crisis? This phone has been reported stolen. Calling police. Oh, yeah. Oops, clumsy me, right in a cup of coffee. Looks like I'm going to have to dry that out in what? A bowl of Sensei Costa's toilet rice.

Yeah, baby. Now available in the third stall of the men's bathroom at the Heath Rutherford Whole Foods. Now, for those of you that have a working iPhone and your favorite app for watching Tradwives make slow churned smoothies, it's about to get a new owner. Hit me. The president announced he was extending by 75 days the deadline for TikTok's owner to find a non-Chinese buyer. There are a number of interested parties who have said they would be willing to acquire the app. The founder of the adult content site only fans has also, submitted a bid.

TikTok, it's money o'clock, and I'm betting on OnlyFans. Hell, I've been putting money into that site for years. But I can't pull anything out because Mistress Victoria tells me I'm not allowed to. Well, at least I put two of her kids through Northwestern.

Let's go, Wildcats. But no matter who, bye, bye's TikTok, do not worry because it will not be banned in the U.S., and that's a costa guarantee. TikTok is simply too popular. The American people love it, and for some, it's the only workaround we have to communicate with our kids.

Hey, Skyler, hey, Brandon, do you guys want to go see the Minecraft movie this weekend? Sound off in the comments. Your mom sucks. Well, that's all I have time for. If I don't get $2,500 to Hector in the next hour, he's going to shatter my pelvis. But, hey, that's just the cost of doing business. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to. And hit play on your next adventure.

This fall, get double points on every qualified stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at BestWestern. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need for your sunny days, delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get a chicken parmesan delivered. A cabana? That's a no, but a banana, that's a yes.

A nice tan, sorry, nope. But a box fan, happily yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. What's up, moneymakers? This is Costa doing business, and I'm Michael Costa, so let's make some fat stacks of that stanky fat cash. But first, I know what you're thinking. Hey, Costa, what's up with the glasses? Are you hiding from loan sharks? Of course not. I'm hiding from Chechen killers that were hired by loan sharks. Every second could be my last, so let's not waste any time, and let's start making some of that mona, all right?

This crowd loves money. The big news of the week is that Big Daddy Trump passed something huge, and I'm not talking about a kidney stone. Hit me. President Trump marked July 4th with a celebration and a major political victory. His so-called Big Beautiful Bill is now the law. Some warnings from critics of the bill are all. already coming true. A rural medical unit in Nebraska saying it's closing its stores in part

because of expected cuts to Medicaid. That's right. The BBB is now law, which means your hospital might be going by, bye, bye, so I'm investing in what's going to sell, sell, sell. Now, say it with me, the complete box set of Gray's Anatomy on DVD. Who needs a local hospital when you can watch McSteamy guide you through your triple bypass surgery? Plus, the sexual tension between Meredith and Derek is off the charts. It'll make your heart go pitter-patter. Unless that's an inoperable murmur, then you're kind of

screwed. Moving on. If you're like me, you're not a huge gambler. You just do it before and after every meal. But now, because of the Big Beautiful Bill, losing all that money may have a downside. Hey, dealer, hit me. A little known provision in the

Big Beautiful Bill has some gamblers upset. The budget law changes the rules about deducting gambling losses. So instead of deducting 100%, the law limits lost deductions to 90% of winnings, which could leave gamblers paying taxes even when they lose, and they are furious. Sorry, fiscally responsible, degenerate gamblers.

You're about to pay taxes on your losses. You know, it used to be the gambling you would just lose your family. But now you can lose something even more valuable, a minor tax deduction. Now, if there's one thing a gambler like me, knows about Chechen loan sharks, it's that they will throw hot acid in your face, which is why Uncle Costa's telling you to go all in on bubba burn cream. And here's a quick Costa-Kitip, K'KKKKK, buy burn cream before you go to the casino

and save yourself that awkward trip to the pharmacy where you walk in and all the employees scream because of your melted face. and then a child goes, mommy, mommy, who is that monster that will forever haunt my dreams? And you try to explain that you're just a human being looking for some compassion. But you can't get out the words because the nerve endings in your tongue

have been severed by the hydrofluoric acid. Then a woman panics and throws her purse at your hamburger meat face. A purse that is filled with that sweet, sweet cash. Looks like these third-degree burns just earned me some third-degree bucks, huh? Beep, beep, baller at the burn ward coming through. But if you don't want to get burned by the big, beautiful bill,

you can still make some cold, hard cash in Alaska. Burr, hit me. The Alaskan extraction, Lisa Murkowski, the final decisive vote to pass the Senate reconciliation bill did not sell her services cheap. Murkowski secure tax cuts for Alaskan fishing villages and whaling captains. Well, shiver me timbers, me, maids.

Let's cash in on whaling, as in free willy, Shamu, Moby Dick, and other names I also call my penis. Just don't call it blackfish. The BBB is given the whaling industry a huge bump, which means it's time to make some money on the bosses. I'm talking about ship captains with an all-consuming obsession for revenge. So naturally, I'm bullish on. peg legs. It's the wooden stump that'll make your money pump.

Pick up your Captain Costa's balsa wood peg leg today. No refunds. Moving on. When it comes to the triple B, sometimes opportunity knocks, but other times it's deadly quiet. Shh, hit me. This bill is going to also eliminate the fees on buying silencers and short barrel rifles and shotguns. There was a $200 fee on that. That's going away. All right, now look, first the good news. the good news. First, the good news, there's finally a tax break for the hardworking murderers of this country. Now, the bad news, it just got cheaper to silently murder someone. That's why

I want all of you to go all in on tonight's costa kickback bubble wrap floors. Yep. Sorry, Chechen hit men, your gun may be silent, but the pop pop pop, pop under your feet just gave you away. Giving me just enough time to sneak out of my second story window and zip lime to my treehouse, Home Alone style. Better luck next time, Miro Slav. Love you, bud. But hey, that's just the cost of doing business. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

The Toronto International Festival of Authors brings you a world of stories all in one place. Discover five days of readings, talks, workshops and more, with over 100 authors from around the world, including Rachel Maddow, Ketourou Isaku and Kieran Desai. The Toronto International Festival of Authors, October 29th to November 2nd. Details and tickets at Festivalof Authors.ca.