The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | New Year's Resolutions

Episode Date: December 31, 2025

Instead of making unrealistic promises to yourself this year, let The Daily Show do it for you. Take a listen back to American Resolutions: A Series of Human Interest Stories Used to Emotionally Manipulate You. Jon Stewart introduces Rob Cordry, who resolves to have a threesome. Nate Cordry steps up to show them, show them all... Ed Helms vows to improve himself, starting with a new job. Jason Jones takes the viewer on a journey into underwhelming fatherhood. Finally, Stephen Colbert offers up his own resolutions, for Jon to work on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. The New Year. It's a time to challenge yourself to be a better person. In 2006, our correspondents will be sharing their personal challenges with our viewers in the new series American Resolutions. Here to kick off the series for us is our own Rob Cordry. Thank you so much. Thank you, John. Thank you.

Thanks, John. This year I was one of, let's say, billions of Americans who made a New Year's resolution to improve some aspect of their lives. As I found out, sticking to a resolution is a struggle requiring motivation, self-discipline, and the support of loved ones. As a young boy, I always dreamed about growing up, marrying a beautiful woman, and convincing that woman to have a threesome. And my dreams were almost fulfilled.

I met Sandy, and I thought our wedding night would be the perfect time to have a threesome. I suggested Jesse, Scott, Table 3, American Idol's Randy Jackson, but Sandy wasn't buying it, and soon my obsession started to be. session started to affect our marriage. So this year I decided to do something about my problem and seek professional help.

Right after I hit the free buffet. Then I spoke with Dr. Stephen Lamb. Can I assume that the third party or guest is a female? Dude, chick, chick with a guy with pie, I don't care. I think it's important for you to remove the cues, the environment, which induces you to start thinking about this. Simple enough, I just needed to remove the things that were fueling my fantasy. Yeah, hi, I would like to cancel Cinemax.

And if I call back, don't let me reinstate it. But before I got to step two, there was one more thing I had to take care of. Yes, hello, I would like to reinstate Cinemax. Oh, come on, I was kidding before. What are you wearing? Yeah, what kind of pants? Hello? No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about my problem.

If I was going to succeed, I just needed to put these thoughts out of my head. You can't go out like that. Take your clothes off first. Three dead in a car bomb attack three miles outside of Tikrit. Hmm, three. Iraqis in the Sunni triangle awoke to chaos. It was a third attack of its kind in the last three days. It's an all too familiar scene this morning. I think all this space doll stuff has gone to Gleek's head.

Oh, totally f*** that purple monkey. Three is a magic moon. Bob, what are you watching? Nothing. Somewhere in the ancient mystic trinity. Let us and be in love. Get away from me, you hot purple monkey. I was just two days into my resolution and already I was failing.

I needed a new approach. I think you need to expand the sort of sexual activity that you actually have with your wife. Are you talking about the ass? Well, you need to discuss with your wife what she's actually comfortable with. She's comfortable with it. You don't need my permission. No one's 100% comfortable with the ass. No, that takes practice.

Maybe that can be next year's resolution. Thank you very much. We're back. Nicely done. And obviously, I want to introduce your wife, Sandy. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, John. Hi, John.

It's nice to see it. So how is the resolution going? Well, John, of course, it's not easy, but with Sandy's love and support, I'm going to get through this. And what's next for you guys? Well, I think we're just going to go get a drink, celebrate our progress. It's great.

You should come with us. You like champagne? You drink? You like champagne or? Rob Cordray and Sandy Cordra, everybody. We'll be right back after this. Sandy will be glad to know that the threesome chair can come down. That's a threason chair?

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Tonight, we check in with Nate Cordy. Nate. Thank you, John. In 2006, I vowed to make good on a promise. I make every. every new year's, but never get around to actually doing, showing them, showing them all. Growing up small, asthmatic, and not terribly bright,

I've spent 28 years being taken advantage of by others. Every January 1st, it's the same old story. I tell myself, this is the year I'm finally going to show them, but I always wind up losing my will. No one gets theirs, and the anger just builds. Hey, what's up, bitch? Oh! Oh! Where'd you get that suit, Baby Gap?

Oh! I was determined that this year I would keep my resolution. The first thing that I would recommend is to make this a project. The New Year's Resolution Project. It's not a bad idea to write down the list. And you write out your thoughts and your feelings. In a feelings journal.

Exactly. And this will help you with the resistances within yourself to deal with your New Year's resolutions. God, you're good of what you do. The way to growth is through all the struggles. Was that a dig on my height? I didn't have your height in mind. Yeah, okay, I know. I'm not as tall as my brother.

Taking the doctor's advice, I made a list of the people who most needed showing. Some for what they'd done to me. Some for what they were currently doing to me. And some who'd made direct eye contact with me. And since feelings journals are for girls, I set up a video diary. Okay, it's January 1st, New Year's Day, and Project Shownem is off to an awesome start. I have a neighbor who refuses to turn down his stereo. Blasset all night long, so I stole his newspaper.

Shown. It's on to my old boss's house with this bag of human feces. I'm going to set it on fire. And then I'm going to FedEx this deadly black mamba. to the producers of How I Met Your Mother because they decided to cast Neil Patrick Harris instead of me. Well, I would have gone the other way, but that's, you know, their producers, like, ah! Oh!

Well, things haven't been going so well. Since the incident last week, I've fallen way behind. I was on the brink of giving up. I asked Dr. Belgrade how I can improve my methods of showing them. What would you like to show them? What would you like them to know? I'm not going to put up with their bull-y-anymore. Oh!

Seeking revenge can be very destructive and self-destructive. And very messy. It requires a lot of clean-up. You may want to see. If you have somebody you can talk to, it could be a good friend, it could be a clergyman. As it happens, God was on my two things. God was on my to be shown list, but I liked the idea of asking for help.

Yeah, how much would it cost to get two pulleys in an anvil and a length of rope? Yes, Los Angeles, last name Harris, first name Neil Patrick? No number, just the address. Yeah, do you guys rent crossbows? Yeah, you could call it hunting. Everywhere I turned, there were people willing to help me. Go ahead and close the trunk and see if you can hear me screaming. Do you want me to close the trunk?

Yeah. Wow, I've been totally overpoles. I've been totally overpowered by Nate Cordry. I can't believe how strong he is and handsome, how unbelievably handsome and hilarious as well. I've been totally shown. Could you make that out? Yeah, I can hear you.

What if I use a ball gag? Oh, bra-gob-d-d-de-h-h-haw. And with that, I just needed one more thing. Hey, you're a doctor, right? Would you happen to know where I could get a bone saw wholesale? Well, wait, you get a bone saw, before I give the recommendation for that, I want to know what do you want to use it for? I'm going to put a lot of stuff in my crawl space, so I need to make some room. There's some discomfort in the room right now, as you ask me with this question.

Well... What's this about? It's for my industrial saw collection. I don't know. It's not a field of my expertise. Sorry. Sorry. Suit yourself, doctor. But just remember, if you're not with me,

you're against me. Just ask Neil Patrick Harris. You sent me a dead snake. Nate Cordry, everybody. May Cordry. That was interesting. What was, what's in the bag? It's just a bowling ball.

Good. I mean, at least it could be used as a bowling ball. I mean, I drilled three holes in it. Thank you, Nate. Nate Cordra, everybody. We'll be right back after that. We now proudly present part three of our ongoing look at our correspondent's brave struggles

to stick to their New Year's resolutions. Tonight, Ed Helms. Thanks, John. As you know, New Year's resolutions are all about change. Getting yourself out of those impenetrable ruts that crush your very soul. And for me, that one thing, I guess that truly fills me with despair is my job. I'm sorry, did you say... My job sucks, John.

And my New Year's resolution is to get a new one. Roll it. Every year, millions of people who are routinely insulted by their superiors get new jobs. I wanted to be one of those people, so I sought the help of a career counselor. It does all begin with a resume. That's together, neat, that corresponds to what you have done and accomplished. professional standpoint and from a little bit of a personal standpoint and whether that be hobbies or interests. My hobbies include collecting ceramic shoes, like this one. I have

3,000 of these. And pornographic embroidery. I embroider scenes from my favorite movies. No, inappropriate. You want to show interests that relate to how you can be an asset to an organization. Obviously, my resume needed work, but I had to stay under the radar. Hey, Ed. What? What's up, man? What? Uh, I was just... I'm not doing anything! You should knock, okay? You should really knock more.

Who better to help with resumes than the people who do lots of resumes? These look great. These look great. These are a lot nicer than my resume. I'll take a thousand of the John Q public and a thousand Johnny applicants. Well, this is just samples, right? Do you have something that's finished? Well, this one looks pretty good. District sales manager for five years. Who wouldn't hire that guy, right? Indeed, however, it's not yours. It's not your credentials.

A classic resume conundrum. What paper to use? If you want to use the executive stock, I recommend... I want to go with the pink. Is this the hottest pink you have? It's the hottest pink. However, this is hot stock and you do not... This is hotter.

This pink is hotter than this pink. Fireball fuchsia. Nice color. However, I don't believe... Do you like your job here? Is that a good job? Yeah, I do like it. Is your boss cool?

Yeah, it's cool. My boss is like if you took Willy Wonka and mixed him with Hitler. Hmm. He's got like he's crazy like Willy Wonka and he's psycho like Hitler. But he doesn't have a mustache. With my credentials in order, it was time to get my appearance in order, with a visit to my local Haberdashers. Would it be a good idea if the suit that I'm wearing matches the paper

that I printed my resume on? Yeah, I would say that's a little over the top. Yeah, but it's probably like that extra detail that's going to get you the job. Well, get you noticed. Yeah, get you noticed. Do you have a fireball fuchsia suits? You know what this says?

Trim. So, fuck you, give me a job. That's what it says. Seriously, fuck you, give me a job. No, seriously, give me a job. You don't want a job. Seriously, give me a fucking job. Decked out in my dazzling new duds, I needed interview tips from Keith.

You want to stay open, no arms folded, no legs crossed. You want to give the right body language signals. Has your boss ever poured scalding hot celestial seasonings lemon zinger onto your arm? No. It doesn't just burn, okay? It's also citrus. And the citrus stings. And then he filled the pockets of my jacket.

with cockroaches. I work for a child. Doesn't sound like it's a good environment, working environment for you there. So where exactly are the job openings? I searched websites like Hot Jobs and Career Builder, but came up empty-handed. Clearly, I just needed a little focus.

Back to Keith. What do you think you're good at? What do you think some of your best attributes are from a professional standpoint? standpoint. I'm good at conducting satirical interviews during which I make the interviewee or Patsy feel tense, awkward, and often foolish. You know what I'm not good at is handling the awkwardness that ensues. Yeah, I think you just have to, you know, just move right through it.

Good, moving right along. Right through it, okay. Keith put me through my paces in a mock interview. I got a pretty good skill set. I think you're going to like it. I'm really good at not taking less than $25,000 a year, period. Interesting. How do you think you'll be an asset to our organization?

Okay, 24-5. I think we're a little bit early in the interview process to really discuss money and salary at this time. Uh, 22. I had learned the art of hardball. Um... Um... ...now! Now, John, as you can see,

preparing to get a job is itself a full-time job. Willie Wonka and Hitler. So what kind of job you're interested in at it? Well, that's a good question. I've actually listed a few here. Astronaut would be very cool. That would be awesome. But I don't want to be some bull-k-o-orbitter.

I want to land on a planet, okay? Also, delicious candy tasters is on the list. Host of Academy Awards would be nice. And finally, and this is really where my skill set kicks in. Kickboxer. And I, I just don't think that those are very realistic. Fine! Fine, shoot me down!

always shooting down ed that's the way it goes here fine jeez i'm gonna need a letter of recommendation ed helms everybody now since the beginning of the year we've been following our correspondence as they fulfill their new year's resolutions in our let's say award-nominated series american resolutions Tonight, we check in with Jason Jones. Jason? Thank you, John. You know, I've been watching a lot of the other correspondents present the resolution pieces,

and I've seen how they've grown and what they've learned. Well, I'll tell you what I've learned. I better get one of these things on the air right quick, or those guys are going to bury me. While watching Anderson Cooper report from the disaster in the Gulf Coast, I noticed something. Actually, he's not afraid to show emotion or involve for me. himself in the story. And while he may seem like a pussy to you and me, viewers eat it up. I've tried to show my own human side in my stories. I won't interview a woman who's menstruating.

The execution of the retarded child is only moments away. But without a national disaster to stand in front of and weep, it just didn't work. Then my current wife brought home a little bundle of opportunity. Babe, where you've been? There's no food in the house. It's a girl. Oh, great. Did she bring any food with her? A baby, our own little Katrina. I decided my New Year's resolution would be to take viewers on the journey of discovery that is fatherhood. Ah, I'm sorry, guys, can we get a little softer focus on the lens?

A little softer. Oh right, yes, perfect. So come along and watch as this pissing... burden becomes my stepping stone to the big time. From the first day, my daughter changed my daily life. To guide me through those changes, I hired a parenting coach, Julie Ross. She's created a safe space where I can appear more vulnerable. So the reason I've come to you is...

I feel like my baby is growing up and I don't even know her. Um, can we get better music on that, or... I feel like my baby's growing up and I don't even know her. Well, she may not know you quite yet at four weeks. I decided to let that news devastate me. Ah! Yes, pure ratings gold. But my journey into fatherhood isn't just about showing I can cry.

It's about showing I can care. Whether it's bringing her to work with me... Well, John, the good news is that the U.S. has shut down Saddam Hussein's rape rooms. Or exposing her to my interests. I know firsthand how hard it is to raise a child. That's why every week I share my experience with other dads, and a full camera crew. Above the world, so I twinkle, twinkle little baby. You're the sweetest little girl in the world.

Now, do you have a song I could sing that would make me sound less gay? You see, I'm a parent just like you. just like you. And when I'm not reporting on world events, I'm hanging out with my daughter. Yes, the first month of my child's life has been a journey. It's had its share of highs and lows. But I've forged a connection with my daughter that will last a lifetime. And more importantly, I've shot enough footage to send to the networks. Suck it, Anderson, Gooper. Uh...

Wow. Great report. Thank you. I'm going to, you know, say this as gently as I can, obviously, but you're a terrible father. Really, John. Well, you're in the minority, because I don't think they sell these to just anyone. Thank you. Jason Jones, everybody. We'll be right back after this. Before we go, we're going to check you with our good friend. Stephen Colbert, with a Colbert Report.

Stephen, happy New Year's, sir. Any resolutions? Nice to see you back. All those, look at my hand motions. Very nice. Exits are located here and here. What do you got for us? Resolutions?

Oh, I got New Year's resolutions, John. First of all, lose that embarrassing muffin top. Yep. Start composting. Demonstrate basic human decency toward employees. Well, those are all valuable, valuable goals, and you got your work cut out for you. I think it's an excellent...

No, John, these resolutions aren't for me. They're for you. That's not really how resolutions work. John, you're breaking resolution number 432. Stop undercutting the premise of these end-of-show chats. I see. What should I say as real? What should I do as your top...

John, John, you're breaking up. breaking another John Stewart resolution. What is that? Stop talking during the end of show chats. Just put the camera on me and let the money roll in. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central,

and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. The podcast.