The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Produce Pete with Steve Carell

Episode Date: May 29, 2026

There's so much happening in the world of fresh produce it's hard to keep track. Luckily we have Produce Pete Steve Carell to guide us. From canning to cabbage, take a trip back with one of Steve's defining Daily Show characters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. Let's take a quick trip to our local green grocer, produce Pete, Steve Karell, with the latest fruit and vegetable news. Thanks, John. Last week, I showed you how to turn fresh avocados into rockamoli. The in-your-face corn chip compliment. Unfortunately, when you're out of avocado, it's the pits. The avocado pits.

The large pit, about the size of a healthy adult testicle, will grow into a great house plant. I always need plants around my house because my cat, Mr. Boots, is very territorial. All you do is insert three toothpicks like so and balance it in a hyacinth vass with the root end submerge. Now, you keep it out of direct sunlight, and it will sprout in about four to six weeks.

I put one aside about two months ago, so let's take a look. That doesn't appear much different. then. Actually, uh, kind of looks like it's dying. Oh, damn it, Mr. Boots. Jesus. God forbid I should have any nice plants, right? Well, if you want to see what a healthy avocado plant looks like, go to my website. www.p. p-deuce p-hyphen escrowel.tv.

And there's a picture of one, along with the usual assortments of recipes and tips. And, uh, ignore the link for Mr. Boots' thought of the day. That's going to be taken down real soon. That's all for now. Until next time, remember, leafy greens preempt cancerous growths. Let's check in with Produce Pete Steve Carell with a very special Thanksgiving edition. Thanks, John. Thanksgiving is right around the corner,

and this pilgrim is feeling pretty proud of his succotash. Now, sounds funny, but it tastes... All right. It's a traditional suit made of corn, beef, fowl, and salt poured. Yummy yum. Add some turnip potato and boiled beans. Now make sure your turnip is a green-topped turnip. You can use a purple top and a pinch, but under no circumstances, should you ever use a yellow

rudabega. I don't recommend it, they're pilgrim. I know some of you think I'm some kind of joke, but you know, you use a yellow rudabega, and you will ruin the suck attack. You will ruin Thanksgiving. I've ruined a few. I'm not a joke. Many people are searching, in fact, for that perfect holiday recipe.

Well, our own produce Pete is here to help. Food eaters. Sometimes I'm faced with a challenge of what to serve my vegan friends when entertaining for the holidays. Now, vegans don't eat meat or any animal products, and it can be a ho-ho pain in the ass. Now, my vegan friend Brianna, and her life partner Jordan have served me lots of strange vegetables up with their commune, like fiddleheads,

New Zealand spinach, and charred. Hmm. Chard. So this year, I'm going exotic with Steve's nut and seed loaf. It's actually very easy. All you need is eight ounces bulgar wheat, two cups boiling water, three tablespoons shoyu, six ounces pistachio nuts, sheld. That might take you a little bit of time. Six ounces pine kernels, eight ounces blanched almonds. I believe that means you soak it in something. Six ounces of cashew nuts, hazelnuts, pumpkin seeds. You have got to be kidding. You know what? Why don't we just flash those ingredients up on the screen? Now hopefully you're taping this and you'll just freeze that screen. You know what? Let's just flash a preparation instructions for you as well. It's just that easy. My nut and seed loaf. is a tasty treat for your vegan friends,

and it serves one to two people. Now, remember, the important thing is you gotta be flexible. If you don't have two rounded tablespoons of buckwheat flour, throw in a couple of eggs. They're never gonna know. And while you're at it, throw in some bacon bits. Everybody loves bacon. Have fun, and remember, the secret ingredient to vegan cooking is love. It's gotta be love, because it sure as hell is in flavor.

Happy holiday! In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision,

to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for Calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Thanks, John. Aloha friends.

Oh, he Okula Aaii Ka, produce Pete, Steve Karel. How only okay ayahua, wahalahaka, Hiki, which is Hawaiian for today. I, produce Pete, Steve Karell, can or will have disgust pineapple. This beloved fruit is a favorite July 4th picnic refresher that's wonderful, served whole or sliced and cooked on the grill with hamst day. Who doesn't love ham in the summer? I prefer the Hawaiian variety, which are available all year round.

There are 50th state's biggest cash crop after reef. Pineapples began to spread around the world from the tropics in the 1700s when explorers brought them along on voyages to prevent scurvy. Incidentally, I once contracted scurvy years ago, and it's not fun. My gums bled, my teeth fell out, and I was covered in these awful purple, awful purple deep tissue bruises.

I wasn't a sailor, of course, but I guess you could say I was, I don't know, adrift, out to sea, living in a men's residence in Chicago. Young man overboard. Really wasn't, uh, really wasn't taking the best care of myself back now. Shiver me timbers. Anyhow, look for a pineapple that's firm, never see a pineapple that's firm, never spongy and with no bruises or soft spots, like the kind I had when I had scurvy. Remember, Amina, Pukana, Apua, a makahaki, which means me likey, shaky, heinie for old men.

You know, I don't know who's messing with the cars, but I don't think that's funny. Because it was a matter of survival, okay? Like you guys never had sex from cash or drugs. Hypocrats. Are we still on? We are going to talk about the delicious and nutritious watercress, an underappreciated green. The romantic poet Lord Byron once wrote that, Watercress doth restore the bloom to the cheeks of a young maiden.

Other people think it tastes like bad lettuce. But the truth is, watercress is many things. It's a medicinal plant that can be used as a diuretic, expectorant, and purgative, and as a remedy against bowel tumors. of the bowers. Bower. Bower. Where was I going with that?

Oh, yes, my recipe for watercress sandwiches. Mix about 30 sprigs of watercress in a food processor with half a stick of butter, some lemon juice, black pepper, and mix until smooth. Spread your watercress butter over 30 slices of thin white bread, cut off the crust, and serve the mini sandwiches on a tray decorated with the extra watercress Spriggs, your friends will be begging for more because they're not particularly filling.

I tell you, I have always loved watercress. As a child, my nanny would take me to a stream behind our house, and we would pick fresh, wild watercress for mother's tea parties. And sometimes, when I was alone, I would set up all my stuffed animals and have a little tea party myself, until my father walked in one day and enrolled me in military school. Of course, that is torture for a gourmet. I was thrown in the brig when the major caught me with saffron. Thanks, Dad. So, enjoy your watercress sandwiches, folks.

To some people, they mean freedom. Thank you, Steve. We'll be right back. There's so much happening in the world of fresh produce. It's hard to keep track. Lucky for us, we have on our staff, the Walter Cronkite of fruits and vegetables. Produce Pete, Steve Carell. Produce Pete, Steve Carell, and the doctor is in.

The garden. Did you know that with a little water, soil, sunlight, and TLC, you can grow your own holistic healing garden? Alternative medicine is all the rage, especially for those among us who do not have health insurance. Herbal remedies are easy to grow at home. The good ones to start with are Valerian root, a sleep aide, echinacea for strengthening the immune system, and of course, St. John's Wart for depression. Cripling depression. A great way to enjoy your herbs is as a tea or infusion.

After you've picked them, dry the leaves, grind them up, and make them into tea. Right now, I've brewed a lovely pot of Agnes Castas tea. Mmm, that is delicious. Of course, as we all know, Agnes Castas is a widely used herb which helps keep balance throughout a woman's monthly cycle and keeps many aspects of the female reproductive system in harmony with the yoni. The yoni, as we know, is the woman's sacred circle. Or the genital focus of the divine feminine energy.

Now, remember, if you reward your yoni with health, your yonie will reward you with pleasure. Something to keep in mind. I've learned a great deal from my visits to a social group by men, the Moon's Sister Women's Fair, where we gather in a song circle, the dance, and pass the talking stick, and honor women's wisdom. I've sat through 10 meetings so far, and so far no one's honored me with a phone number. I'll keep bringing the tea.

Christmas is right around the corner, and you know what that means? Somewhere in this general time frame is Hanukkah, and a great miracle is happening here with my recipe for traditional Hanukkah late keys. Lot-lott keys. Lot-lat-ca. Whatever. Get yourself two pounds of baking potatoes and the ingredients below.

Great the potatoes and onions. You will probably want to use the produce Pete Steve Carell's Super Chopper 2. It is, of course, available on my website. By the way, if you still have the Super Chopper 1, the recall is still in effect. Now, mix in the scalyons. and eggs flattened into pancakes and fry them up. We are going to put ours here on our

produce Pete Steve Carell, no stick food warmer. I've got grease on my face. You can taste the spirit of Hanukkah in the potato pancake, but that's only a small part of the holiday. For the complete experience, check out my direct market video cassette, La Kaya. Produce Pete Steve Carell celebrates Hanukkah. Let's have a look. We had fun that day. By the way, the video is also for sale on my website, www.p.Protuspeat Steve Karell online, murk.s. That's in Sweden.

Someone decided to squat my dot com. And I understand there are many units left. You know, why did I do all these product tie-ins? Media guys use all these fancy phrases like synergy and profile and leveraging my brand identity, but I don't get how I end up on the hook for a warehouse full of plastic crap. Man, I should have had a lawyer. Look at those contracts. I am so screwed. These things aren't selling. This is all crap.

Well, it's a presidential election year, so I figured it would be a perfect time to pay tribute to our third president and avid horticulturalist Thomas Jefferson. He was a passionate vegetable gardener and is credited with introducing broccoli to the United States. In a way, he was the produce Pete Steve Carell of his day. Except he didn't live across the street from a taxi garage. Never had to take old cups of coffee out of his window boxes either, I venture to guess. Anyway, our recipe today comes from Jefferson's kitchen, and I call it TJ's Okra Soup. All you need is two cups of chopped okra. You boil it up for about 30 minutes with these delicious ingredients.

Now this was a favorite dish around Montekello. With all this gardening and founding fathering, it is amazing. Thomas Jefferson still had the time for romance with Sally Hemings. It was a different time then. He does it with his help and ends up on the nickel. I get caught giving you a little. hot giving a massage. Just a massage to a former intern, Jessica,

and I have to go to all these seminars, or I lose my job. But hey, enjoy your Thomas Jefferson soup. I'll be eating mine all alone at an appropriate distance from some third year Barnard Coed who's got more pull around here than I do. Let's see or try to ask me for a letter of recommendation. Not gonna have it.

I'm wearing a powdered wig. Fruits and vegetables. To most of us, they're a little more than foodstuffs. But to one man, they're a way of life. I speak, of course, of our own produce, Pete, Steve Carell. It is the dead of winter. Sunlight is at a minimum, and it is cold outside. Bitter cold. It is the perfect time to drink up some hot mulled cider.

Now, mulled means heated and spiced. Cider means apple juice with sediment. And mulled cider means the winter blues are going to go bye-bye. Unless, of course, your winter blues are seasonal effective disorder, in which case you'll have to combine your cider with a couple hours in front of a UV lamp. And even then, some family members still won't understand that depression is a real mental illness, a medical illness as well, and you're not out to ruin the holidays for everyone. Yep, that's there. Anyway, to make your cider house rule,

Take two quart cider, one half cup brown sugar, one dash salt, and tie the spices you see listed below in a cheese cloth. Like, not actually tied like this. Someone is having fun with me. And put it right in here. Add your spices to the cider with the sugar and salt and slowly bring to a boil. Cover and simmer 20 minutes. And remember, a washed pot never boiled. So don't stare vacantly into the pot thinking about miss opportunities and dashed dreams.

Remove the spice bag and serve hot with orange slice floaters and cinnamon sink. Mmm, it's good. Now, I can't stress this enough. You have to remove the spice bag. Because if you bite into it, your eyes are going to water, which of course will open up the door to certain family members accusing you of being a drunk. drama queen, Jeremy, you dick. And if it's been that kind of week,

you might want to add a splash of rum. Little brandy, whatever you got around. Okay. Thank you, Steve. We'll be right back. We get a lot of questions about fruits and vegetables. Luckily, we at The Daily Show are lucky to have our own produce Pete, Steve Carell. Thanks, John.

In the love song of J. Alfred Prufrock, T.S. Eliot, wrote, do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear flannel trousers and walk upon the beach. While clearly Elliot is a little, ooh, I do know something about eating a peach. Unfortunately, come September, they're out of season. Fortunately, I've got a great way to enjoy them all year long. Canning. Now, a lot of people spend their summers vacationing with family, But I spend mine in the basement. Putting things in jars. In this case, vegetables and fruit.

Now, you could just go to the store and buy these relatively inexpensively, I might add. But why bother when you can do it yourself? It's easy and safe, as you can see in the USDA's complete guide to home canning. It's 45 pages of tips from the government on how not to blind yourself with botulinumpoxin. Hey, just get off. my back and let me can. Okay. Okay. All you need are an assortment of boiled jars and lids. Then you need to follow the three peas of preservation. Peel and boil, pack, and preserve with a tight, sterile seal. It's so, so easy a monkey could do it. A hired monkey who dreamed of one day being an architect.

So remember, if you want to enjoy delicious, Fruits and vegetables all winter long, you most certainly can. Or jar. That's my cell phone. Who put my cell phone in here? Now, you might think that these look like my breasts, but actually they're cabbages. I can see it in the monitor. Now, these babies are available all year round,

and when cooked for just a couple of minutes, they have a mild sweet flavor. sweet flavor but if you eat them raw it's a spicy crunchy treat now one of the most exotic ways to prepare cabbage is the Korean dish called Kim Chi my friend Kim Duk it's a he told me about this recipe then as usual started talking about Jesus but I steered him back to his family recipe for Kim Chi let's take a look chop up some cabbage cucumbers and some other veggies of your choice in a large mason jar that add a mixture of two parts water one part vinegar some pepper

couple clothes of garlic. Now, traditionally, you are to bury the concoction for up to two weeks underground. I tried this, but I guess they're burying power lines. Now, is that the, uh, because I got a bit of a shock. Not as big shock as a hospital nearby that lost power, but a shock nonetheless. I did finally get it buried in the front yard, and here it is. There it is. It's been there for about a month. Let's um shall we let's try it okay let's shall. Here we go and s'm god, son of a bitch. Let's just get that lid back on there. Okay, well that is kimchi. It's a delicious treat for outdoor meals or well-ventilated dining rooms. Is my nose bleeding?

Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca.

Wayfair, every style, every home. A certain holiday is coming on Friday. Here with this uniquely fruit and vegetable-based slant on that occasion. We turn to our old stand by, Produce Pete, Steve Carell. Good evening. I am Producedoo. produce Dracula and I am here to talk the car.

Okay, that's no. And it's up with that. Yep, it's Halloween. And nothing says Halloween like caramel apples. Well, I guess pumpkins, maybe. Actually, yeah. Pumpkins are actually more iconic, but we're talking about caramel apples. This recipe is so easy in no time you'll find yourself making it halfway through one of these before feeling kind of queasy.

All you need are Our six medium-sized apple, six wooden popsicle sticks, you can get those at your local hobby shop in the stick-and-dowlisle, half a pound of light-colored carmulls. You melt them, you dip in the apples. You know what? You pretty much have to be an idiot, not know how to make these.

You know, back when I owned a home, I used to love to decorate it up for Halloween and invite the neighbor kids over and take them down into my basement. With parental consent, Parental consent, for the most part. I would turn off the lights and I'd have a big bowl of grapes, and that would be Frankenstein's eyes.

And then for the next hour and a half, I would edutain the kids about the real evils of drugs and premarital relations and Satan in general. Well, it was really only for that one year that they came. Actually, they did come back the next year to throw dog feces at my house. And I believe they did that again. next year and there was a third year in there as well now now on

Halloween I sit in my apartment with the lights out and I eat a caramel apple tell you the world the fruits of vegetables is dizzying and complex fortunately if someone who can make sense of it all our own produce Pete Steve Carell thank you John Greece the country not the cooking byproduct is not just the birthplace of democracy, it's also the birthplace of saffron, one of the most colorful and mysterious things in your spice cabinet. Saffron filaments, the dried stigmas of the saffron flour, are handpicked, and more than 75,000 are needed to produce just one pound of saffron, making it the world's most precious and expensive spice. We managed to get a hold of some.

Chuck, can we get a look at this? Might need to get a little tighter. Do we have a macro or zoom something? There we go. Now that is just one filament. It is a beautiful spice that turns anything you cook it with, a glorious hue. It'll turn your food yellow.

This stuff's actually more precious than cocaine. Though there was a time in my life when if you said that to me, I would have told you you were crazy and yelled at you for quite some time. That's all a glittery age. now. So let's check out this recipe for saffron potato onion soup. All you need is get one half teaspoon saffron threads, mix them with the ingredients you see on your screen, and simmer on low heat for 30 minutes. I have made some right here. Now you might notice, doesn't that look good? This soup isn't really saffron

colored because I'm saving my saffron filament for a paella. I'm making this weekend for a friend. A lady friend. It's a first date. And Lord knows, I'm not going to score with a white paella. Yep, now I use paella to get girls. Cocaine was a lot less work, I'll tell you that much. But then my nose collapsed.

Piaea. As you know, the Daily Show's long been committed to the finest fruit and vegetable-related journalism. But we continue that commitment now by checking in with our Green Grocer at Long Last Produce Pete, Steve Carell. Produce Pete is back. I have been not on the air for quite some time.

14 and a half months, to be exact, reduced from the original 24. And I have a mountain of letters and a postcard. Concerned fans, I imagine, wondering how old Pete is and where he is, what he's been up to. Let's see, that is a bill. Put that back on Mount Steve. Let's see. Oh, okay. Here's one from Miss Martha Miller.

Dear Produce Pete, Steve Carell, What's the best way to cook cabbage? Hmm. Nary a mention of my prolonged absence from the fruit and vegetable scene. Okay, well then, let's get right back into it. Martha, the best way to cook cabbage is to not overcook it.

Cabbage contains isothiocyanates that break down into sulfur compounds during cooking. So just boil until tender, not soft, because believe me, those fumes will see. out of your apartment and your neighbors will complain even though you've kept your mouth shut about their baby carriage in the hall but I guess you can complain about everything if the government pays your rent okay our dish today is Hungarian

cabbage noodles and it will make you hungari for cabbage chazek it out that didn't work okay it's essentially cabbage egg noodles, and a stick of butter. You can get the whole recipe on my website, www.w.com. producepeat Steve Corell.com slash Hungarian hyphen cabbagemage m-dash underscore noodles.org. Anyway, the great thing about cabbage is that it won't overwhelm you with flavor.

There's always leftovers. Yummy. You know, I ate a lot of cabbage over the last 14 and a half months at the mandatory camp, the state of New York kindly invited me to. As I'm sure you heard, I was there for encouraging viewers to invest in my produce Pete Steve Carell salad boiled products, which apparently my business manager set up with an unorthodox financial structure, shaped like a pyramid. You know, I did my time.

You probably heard about another domestic diva who also ran afoul of the law. She's out now too, and it's all, ooh, look, she's wearing a poncho. Hey, grab a camera. Me, I wore a poncho when I entered prison. I made that myself. If an inmate with lightning bolts tattooed on his forehead tells you he likes your poncho,

don't invite him to touch it. Because it won't stop there. But, you know, that's all behind me. And I'm ready to just rebuild my car. domestic empire. So look out world. I may have gone bad, but my produce hasn't. Wait, that's my tagline. That's supposed to be on camera. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central