The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 1

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

Welcome to Sports War, the show where the hosts are legally not allowed to agree with each other. Dive in to the biggest controversies in sports, while Ronny Chieng, Jordan Klepper, Michael Kosta and Desi Lydic yell at each other. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This show is supported by Odu. When you buy business software from lots of vendors, the costs add up, and it gets complicated and confusing. Odu solves this. It's a single company that sells a suite of enterprise apps that handles everything from accounting to inventory to sales. Odu is all connected on a single platform in a simple and affordable way. You can save money without missing out on features you need. Check out O-D-O-O-O-O-O- dot com. That's O-D-O-O-O-O-com.

You're listening to Comedy Central. It's time for... And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. That's right. I mean, that's wrong. Yeah, no, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest story of the night.

Caitlin Clark made her pro debut and learned everything gets a little less. fun after college. Welcome to the WNBA, Caitlin Clark. The NCAA's all-time Division I scoring leader made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a layup midway through the second quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the fever's 92 to 71 loss to the Connecticut Sun.

She also committed 10 turnovers. Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and a team lost by 20 points in her first game. I've seen enough, man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history. She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Klepper of the WMBA. Well, Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, I'm going to hit you with my car and leave the scene.

Let's look at the stats here, Roddy. Look at these things. She scored 20 points. That's four more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which mathematically makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan. Oh, y'all, you all about stats.

I have a stat right here for you, okay? Look at this, Jordan Klepper didn't lose his virginity until he was 38? Man, you're the good of whatever that is. Okay, in a way, here's your stat right here, eat shit, okay? Moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris and the organizers are finding themselves

in deep duty, literally. There's a huge effort to get the river's Senn fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month of the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin, was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. coli to an unacceptable level,

and Olympic organizers still hope that the River Sen can be used for the swimming events. Oh, the river Seine is filled with E. coli. That is gross. These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old-fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic Village. The only way to do it.

Wrong as usual, Jordan. I think the Olympics needs more E. coli, okay? Because if you're a world-class athlete, then prove it by pole vaulting with active diarrhea. Oh, you love, you love, you love, you love E. coli, Ronnie, you love it. The last time I came to your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. coli on chicken kebabs like salt bay, you know?

Yeah, I love that stuff. Your hospitality was for the bird, Ronnie the birds, Two stars, I was puking all night. Yeah, well, I pupe from just looking at your oblong face. Oblong face, is that right? Is that how you say it? The point is, just like the 4th of July at Ronnie's house, the Olympics are going to be rife with E. coli, which brings us to J. Kleps' bed of the week,

where you can pick which country will get the most E. coli in the 2024 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Start spending. You've already won. And don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code Klepper sucks, all cats. I don't like that. I told you I don't like that code. It's not you, okay? It's a different clever.

It is. Okay, that's fine then that's okay. No, just kidding. It's you because you suck. I suck. I suck. You blow. Who cares? We're all dead inside. Get over it. Let's talk about sports. All right. Speaking of sports, a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make. Talking. Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning by the comments made by kicker Harrison Bucker during the commencement speech at Benedictine in Addison.

Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine. Be unapologetic in your masculinity, fighting against the cultural emasculation of men. Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker, okay? Yeah, they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage. And I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan.

For the first time in your life, someone on the football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that fake varsity jacket anymore. Fuck you, Ronnie. I told you that in confidence. Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends. Anyway, this kicker thing, this kicker thing raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American sports?

Americans handle balls with our hands like Ronnie's mom, you know? Just if she does. That's wrong, Jordan. You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True. Which brings us to our bet everything wage of the evening. which useless position player will be the next to wade into the culture war. As always, brought to you by gambling.

Gambling, it will fix everything. Speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story. Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shoie O'Tonni's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost $17 million from the L.A. Dodgers superstar. The U.S. Attorney's Office say Ipe Mizuara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without Otani's knowledge. This interpreter stole $17 million from Otani, that sells it. Interpreters should be outlawed, okay?

If you don't know the language, you should just have to guess. Hard disagree. Hard disagree, Ronnie. The problem isn't interpreters. It's languages. We should only have one, I suggest English. Oh, wow. Big surprise.

Of course you suggest English. That's the only language your tiny brain can handle. The biggest head, the smallest brain. English. English is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the major league language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish? Oh, what?

Finish? That's not even a real language, you dumbass. It is. It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book, all right? But do it on your own time, because we are on to the big bet of the night. Is this Otani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by Gambling.

Gambling. Remember, gambling? Bet now, live forever. Well, we're out of time. Join us next time on Sports War. We'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark. Who's more likely to contract E. coli? Goodnight America. Gambling. Okay. Now, here are my sports war, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. For example, if I say Ronnie Chang doesn't suck. Well, then I have to disagree with you on that, Jordan. Everybody knows I'm a bad son and a selfish lover. Yes. You left out that you're also rude to service workers. Let's start with the biggest story in sports. The show of her round the world. This physical moment involving

the WNBA's most high profile rookie raising questions. Chicago's Kennedy Carter shoulder checking the fever's Caitlin Clark knocking her to the ground. Throw the flag, send her to the hang. Come on. Caitlin Clark is clearly getting bullied up sick of it. You can't just push people in sports unless it's football, hockey, dude basketball, the Little League World Series, or being drunk dad at the Little League World Series. Well, I hope one of those dads shoves you into traffic, Jordan, because you couldn't be more wrong. As a lifelong WMBA fan since Caitlin Clark joined the league a few weeks ago, I can say with absolute certainty that that shove was barely a foul. Hey, WMBA needs to get harder if they want me their target demographic to keep. watching, okay? You hear that WMBA? Just because you don't have a penis doesn't mean you can't

get hard. Just ask Jordan. Are you saying my penis is soft or non-existent? Whichever hurt your feelings more? Jokes on you, Ronnie, I'm dead inside. Look, I relate to Caitlin Clark, a superstar at the top of her game surrounded by jealous peers. Caitlin, I see you. I am you. And we're not going to let bottom feeders like Ronnie Chang push us around. round. Which brings us to tonight's J. Kleps can't lose, better the week. What's the source of Ronnie Chang's crippling inferiority complex? Brought to you by Gambling. Gambling, you can only lose if you

stop. Okay, moving on from the greatest women's basketball player to the greatest men's basketball player's son. Ronnie James, the son of the NBA superstar, LeBron James, will remain in the NBA draft. His agent confirmed his decision today. James will for example. James will for his college eligibility after playing one season with USC. LeBron and Brony James could be the first father and son do it to play at the same time in the NBA. He's projected to be a second round pick primarily because his father is LeBron James.

Yo, Brani should not enter the NBA at all, okay? There's zero chance he can live up to his legacy of his father. Go do something else like being a tall dentist or a tall architect or a medium-sized world's tallest man. quit while you're not ahead. Oh, yeah, that's good advice, Ronnie. You should take it. Of course, Brony should join the NBA. The children of great people

are always great themselves. Don, Jr., R.FK, Jr., Carl's Jr., all great men. The only pressure here is on LeBron. If his sperm can't produce a 12-time NBA All-Star who reinvigorates the Space Jam franchise, LeBron is overrated. Overrated?

That's just what your mom said to me last night. So you made love to my mother poorly? Like I said, Jordan, I'm a selfish lover. Which brings us to Ronnie's slam dunk bed of the night. Who will be a greater disappointment to their father, Ronnie James or Jordan Clepper? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it's like taking candy from a baby,

but the candy is money. Finally, we turn to the shocking retirement of a sports legend. Well, he is won the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating, contest six times, but Takiru Kobayashi is retiring from competitive eating. He says he has health concerns now he needs to tend to. He's 46 years old and says decades of overeating has left him with no appetite or sensation of fullness. Holy shit.

This guy can't tell when he's hungry or full. It sounds like his stomach just pulled a Jerry McGuire on him. Just grab the goldfish, said adios to the kidney, and walk from him. right out. Does not sound like it was worth it. This was absolutely worth it, okay, Jordan. He got to eat tons of hot dogs and now he has no appetite. It's like Free Ozympic, okay?

Kobayashi's a legend, not to mention he's Asian. Shout out Asians. I've only gotten to use that like four times in my life. And shame on you, Jordan, for not supporting the work of one of our greatest Asian athletes. Hey, you are wrong. You're wrong, running. I fully support his decision to step away

from the game, which brings us to our double down, better than night. Which Asian that hosts this program will retire next. Brought to you by gambling. Have you lost the ability to experience sensation? Try gambling. See how worse it can get. Well, we are out of time. Well, I'm not retired.

It's too late the fans have spoken, Roddy. Join us next time on Sports War. We'll be debating pickleball. Better with guns? No, no. I think it is. Are you kidding? What's up, idiots? I'm Roy Chang. And I'm Michael Costa. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed

to agree with each other. So if I say I love baguettes, then I say you, croissants for life. And if I say that the best French new wave director is Goudard. Well, then I say, you, Truffaut's movies were just as revolutionary but more accessible to a wider audience. Shut the fuck up, you Philistine.

Now that the 2024 Paris Olympics are over, you'll probably miss watching women's beach volleyball every day in your office. Learn how to knock, Ronnie. But another highlight was the utter dominance of USA men's basketball. Kevin Durant and Steph Curry teaming up in a thrilling gold medal game against host country France,

winning by 11 points. It's everything I imagine and more. We all signed up for this mission to continue the USA basketball dominance. That's right. Suck it, France. Pack your bags and go back to wherever it is that you came from. This just proves America is the best at the sports that we invent. Costa, you drooling moron.

America should be embarrassed that you only beat France by 11 points. You basically lost. That score should have been 2.70 to 12. These players shouldn't even be allowed back in the country. Hey, LeBron James, you stay in France and you think about what you just did. Ronnie, Ronnie, I swear, putting you on TV feels like a make a wish, all right? Not only did Steph and LeBron dominate, but they found a way to make it entertaining against a weak opponent. And believe me, it takes real skill to put on a great show even when you're out there with a smaller, inferior co-host.

You're the Tyrese Halliburton of this team, okay? Only 1% of our audience even knows who you are. Well, you're like the San River, just filled with diarrhea, which brings us to Arcosta's big balls better than night. Which river will Ronnie Chang mysteriously drown in? As always, brought to you by gambling. Remember, you're not you when you're not gambling. Moving on to an unexpected Olympic showdown.

It was the return of the world's fastest man. against the world's fastest virus. It was supposed to be a golden moment for U.S. sprinter Noah Lyles. This is where he gets to shut his speed. But instead, the 27-year-old failed to take the lead in the 200-meter event, finishing with a bronze medal.

He embraced fellow racers before he knelt to the ground, appearing to struggle for breath. After the race, Liles revealed he tested positive for COVID two days earlier, but decided to still compete. What an incredible accomplishment for Noah Lyle's, and an incredible embarrassment for the people who trained every day for four years

and lost to a guy with fluid in his lungs. Yo, why don't you just keep running off the track and right into traffic? Right. Ronnie, like my negative COVID test this morning, you couldn't be more wrong. This was an absolute disaster for the whole world. He won an Olympic medal with COVID and ruined the last valid excuse.

We all had to miss work. Your shitty boss is going to be like if no Liles can run 200 meters with COVID, then you gotta keep teaching these CPR classes. Which brings us to Ronny's Bigger Ball's Bed of the Evening. Which disease will Michael Costa get next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling.

It will fix everything. Let's move on to the athlete from down under that everyone is talking about and sure to be this year's most popular Halloween costume. Australian breaker Ray Gunn went viral for her memorable routine. Rachel Gunn, the Beegroar from Australia. failed to score a single point during her Olympics competition going head to head with some of the world's best breakers during the sports Olympic debut. Her signature moves include the sprinkler and the kangaroo hop. Reagan actually has a PhD in breakdance and was Australia's only woman to qualify for the Olympics. Wow, thank you, Australia. Yeah, she's the Australian breakdancing Jamaica bobsled team of

the French Olympics. She was so bad with so much confidence. Some experts are speculating that she had Ronnie Chang syndrome. I hope that Turkish guy shoots you in your stupid face, right? This was a terrible moment for the Olympics. For Australia,

for descendants of criminals, for dancers, for kangaroos, for white people that want to be black. It just shows you the pathetic level of talent in Australia. You fit in perfectly, Costa. Oh, fit in a country of tall, tan hot people. Well, and I say

good-die, mate. Finally, as we say goodbye to the Paris Olympics, let's take a look at the final medal count. Woo, look at that. 126 medals. It's clearly won the Olympics. USA all the way.

Oh, no. What's that? Singapore's only won one medal? Hey, Ronnie, where did you grew up again? Costa, you're a bigger dick than that French pole Votto's actual dick. Right? If you factor in population size, the U.S. actually finished 59th in medals per capita. And by that metric, you know who performed almost 50 times better than the U.S.?

Grenada. Ronnie, you idiot, it's pronounced Canada. Learn the language. Bringing us to our freeball and college fund quadrupler bet of the evening. Which country that Ronnie grew up in will embarrass themselves at the 2028 Olympics? Brought to you by gambling. It's not an addiction. If you win.

All right, well, we're out of time. Join us next time on Sportswear. Well, we're going to debate if Simone Biles is so good. Why isn't she taller? Oh, you're tall and you suck. But what's your point? I'm right. What's up, morons?

I'm Ryan Chan. And I'm Jordan Klepper. This is Sports War. The show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say we need stronger helmets and football to prevent concussions. I say, fuck that. We were bored with a helmet. It's called a skull.

Well, lucky for us. us, yours is empty. It's October, but one month where practically every league is going at it like some kind of sports gang bang. That's right. There's more balls flying around than that time Ronnie wore his Daisy Dukes to the office. Well, that's on you for looking.

And nowhere is the sports gang paying hotter it right now than here in New York. Between the Liberty, the Mets, the Yankees, the Knicks, this city could only be happier if Ronnie announced he was leaving it. Well, if I ever leave, it's because your mom is getting too clingy. Nice one, Ronnie.

I hope you get circumcised in your sleep. And while many New York sports fans are celebrating, there's one team showing us that Boeing ain't the only one with imploding jets. Now, to breaking news in sports, the Jets have fired their head coach, Robert Sala, just five games into the season, a move that comes two days after they just lost in London in disappointing fashion. There is rampant speculation that Aaron Rogers is behind the firing of Sala.

J-E-T-S-J-J-S-J-J-S. Suck, suck, suck. Oh, man. What a terrible move by the Jets. Coach Sala wasn't the problem. It's clearly Aaron Rogers. That's like me firing the camera guy for the stupid shit that comes out of Ronning's mouth.

Yeah, well, your mouth looks like a fish vagina. And you couldn't be more wrong, okay? Firing Sala is exactly what the Jets need. For 55 years, they suck with a coach. Hey, maybe it's time to play without one. Just one season raw-dogging it without a coach, and, hey, maybe the Jets will win the Super Bowl. They're only thing getting raw dog is your brain.

You can't let a bunch of NFL players coach themselves. They need Google Maps just to get out of the huddle. But we all know. There's only one, maybe two people crazy enough to take a job coaching the Jets, which brings us to our Jordan Klepper locked and loaded triple VIP better than night. Which Menendez's brother will be the next coach of the Jets?

As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. If you think you have a problem, Stop thinking. Moving on from an upset man to the upset of the year. Next, a once-in-a-lifetime upset in college football.

Vanderbilt beat number one Alabama on Saturday 40 to 35. Vanderbilt students were so excited they tore down one of the goalposts and carried it a couple miles into downtown Nashville. Then they tossed it into the Cumberland River. Okay, okay, okay.

Rate it in, you private school. Words. Winning is exciting, but show a little class. You don't gloat in front of the other team's fans. You bully them online like a normal person. Okay. Jordan, I know you're not used to winning, but this is what it looks like, okay? You're just mad they threw the goalpost in the river because you empathize with long, skinny, useless things. Which brings us to our Ronnie Chang's show win v. VIP Better Than Night. Which river will we dump Jordan in after tonight's show?

As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Leave you if you win. And finally, moving on to a more somber story as we honor the passing of one of America's greatest heroes. Pete Rose, Major League Baseball's all-time hits leader who was famously banned from the sport for gambling has died. Rose was famously banned from the Baseball Hall of Fame for gambling allegations.

He denied those allegations for years before eventually admitting that he did bet on baseball both as a player and as a manager. All while he lobbied to be considered for the Hall of Fame, his lifelong wish never granted. Now, I don't want to discount what Jackie Robinson did, but what Pete Rose accomplished was a billion times more important. He's a legend in two of America's pastimes, gambling as a player and gambling as a coach. Pete Rose definitely belongs in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Jordan, have you been hit in your oblong head by another pitch? Pete Rose doesn't belong in the baseball Hall of Fame.

A hero like him belongs in every Hall of Fame. Baseball, basketball, rock and roll, hip-hop, automotive, hobbies, put his name on a Vietnam memorial everywhere. Yo, they should hang his bookie's phone number from the rafters. Boy, Ronnie, I really wish God took you instead of Pete Rose. Which brings us to buy Jordan's champagne room. Boom, boom, bat of the night. What will Pete Rose gamble on first in heaven?

As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling, when it stops being fun, is when it gets good. All right, and that's all the stories this week. Join us next time on Sports War. Yeah, we'll debate if it counts as cheating on your wife if you do it with a tackling dummy. Well, obviously not. Wait, do we agree on this one?

Wait, no, we can't agree with. I would say, no. Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So, if I say Travis Kelsey is the sexiest man in sports... I say, no thanks. Mr. Met can still get it.

I weep for your children. This is a special post-election episode of sports war. It's a historic day for America. Desi has broken the glass ceiling and become the first female co-host of sports war. This completely makes up for Kamala not winning.

Instead, I get the thrill of arguing about sports with an a sexual balloon animal. Let's start with the biggest issue for women on the ballot Missouri, a woman's right to choose which team she bets on. Justine voters have approved a Missouri Amendment to legalizing sports betting. The yes votes won by just 0.3%. Missouri is the largest state to allow gambling on major sporting events. There will be a 10% sports betting tax rate. That money will then go to compulsive gamblers prevention fund and also Missouri schools. Wow, it used to be that the only way women could gamble in Missouri was with a high-risk pregnancy.

But this is great news for Missouri's underfunded public schools. Congratulations to all the kids at Fandul Elementary. Dezzy, Jesse, Jesse. Your take is as lame as that blonde wig. Look, Missouri does not deserve the majesty of legalized sports gambling. As the owner of a riverboat casino near Kansas City, This is really going to destroy my bottom line. Some very bad people are not going to be happy.

Bye-bye thumbs. That brings us to my ring-a-ding, sure thing. Bet of the week, which one of Jordan Klepper's family members will receive his thumbs in the mail? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Is your marriage too stable? Try gambling.

By the way, if I could just be serious for a moment, if you or a loved one has a gambling problem, Use promo code Desi wins, and I get 10 bucks when you place your first bet. And if you're a newly minted gambling addict in Missouri, good news. Betting on the 28 presidential election has already begun. Jets quarterback Aaron Rogers is among the favorites to win the presidency in 2028, according to betting sites. Oddsmakers are giving Rogers a 30 to 1 or a 3% chance of becoming the next president,

meaning if you bet $100, you could win $3,000 if Rogers is elected. Oh, mark my words. Aaron Rogers will not be president. Head of the CDC, sure. But president, get real. His name is Aaron. We can't have a president named Aaron. That's like having an Army General named Skyler or a co-host named Desi.

Jordan, you anemic twizzler. You're as tall as you are dumb as you are feminine. Aaron Roger. Great president. America has to elect someone crazy. than Donald Trump in 2028. Otherwise, we'll lose our momentum. President Trump removes fluoride from our water.

Then President Rogers removes hydrogen from our water. Wouldn't that just make it oxygen? That's right, Oppenheimer. Last time I checked, oxygen was it making our kids gay? And yes, Aaron Rod is taking a lot of hits to the head, but some of our best presidents have had brain damage. Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy. Now, those guys were shot in the head.

Agree to disagree. Okay, which brings us... To my money, go boom boom, boom, better than night. Is America ready for its first CTE president? As always, that bet is brought to you by gambling. Gambling, you won't know if you have a problem until you try it. Finally, let's move on from odd mental decisions to odd physical ones. Last weekend, a fitness influencer was banned from the New York City Marathon for Life.

His crime-loving cinema. A fitness social media influencer is banned for life from the New York City Marathon. marathon. 29-year-old Matthew Choi ran the 26.2 mile route, followed by a camera crew on e-bikes. It was all to film content, including video posted here on Instagram. This guy is a pioneer. The whole point of exercising is to rub it in everyone's faces. Desi, now the whole point of exercise is to get in shape.

And what shape are you, a drinking straw? F*** hell. Content, which is why my Christmas card this year is just a picture of me bench pressing my family. Do you know how heavy Mr. Med is? Desi, Desi, Desi. You've done the impossible. You've made me actually miss Ronnie Chang. A marathon is not about content. It's about running away from your personal demons. If you're running, there's no time to stop and think about how the kids in seventh grade said your body type was giraffe penis. And then everyone, including your teachers, started calling you GP. They printed giraffe penis on your diploma.

Now you have to put it on your resume. It's your nickname at work, your fiancee. puts it in her wedding bow. She yells it out every time she pretends to climax. What's going on? Theoretically. Shuttle down, GP, which brings us to my bonanza, which animal's penis does Jordan most resemble? As always, that bet is brought to you by gambling.

Gambling, hit rock bottom. Maybe there's some money down there. Well, that's all the time we have for sports war. Join us next time when we debate whether basketball should have more balls. I mean, you mean like multi-ball? Like pinball? I'm Ronny Chegg. And I'm Jordan Clepper.

This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say college athletes should not be paid. Then I say everyone in college should be paid, even the professors. The professors do get paid, dip shit. Clearly not your professors, Ronnie. I mean, what's you even major in?

Let me guess. Eating by yourself in the dining hall? Oh, like you or Mr. Popula. Then you have three roommates killed themselves. Okay. It was two, the third we never saw again. Enough about college.

Let's talk college sports. It was rivalry week for college football, and on Saturday, things got extra rivalry-e. On Sunday, the Big Ten fine Michigan and Ohio State $100,000 each after a post-game brawl erupted Saturday. Look at this. The fighting broke out between the two squads after the Wolverines planted their flag at midfield of Ohio Stadium. Following their 13 to 10 win over the Buckeyes, police had to use pepper spray to disperse the players. Boom!

I love it. As my grandfather used to say, if there's grass on the field, play ball. Just realize that's not what he was talking about. Okay. Jordan, it's a shame you're not handsome because you're very stupid. Okay, reckless fighting should only happen during the game.

That's the violence I'm gambling on. If you have the energy to fight after, that means you didn't play hard enough. Ronnie, you're a dumb man with dumber takes. Look, this melee was fantastic. A football game turned into a UFC fight. That's incredible. More sports should be combined like this.

Imagine an NBA game ending and then boom, LeBron and Kevin Durant start competitive losing. Ooh. And bonus, more sports equals less time with my family. Which brings us to our sick boom bang better than night. So when will Jordan Clems? will finally learn the names of his three children. As always, this bet brought to you by gambling.

Gambling. I think your mom has some money in her purse. Three children, that can't be right. Moving on to a trend in football that doesn't involve steroid-induced violence, but still is all the rage. The celebration trend in the sports world, the Trump dance.

Trump's double fist pump has been a rally staple for years now. But now the dance jumping from rallies, To sports, U.S. soccer star Christian Pulisage busted out the move. Pro football players hitting the Trump dance after big plays, Raiders Ricky Brock Browers, in the end zone. Lyons player Zadarius Smith after getting a sack. Titans wide out Calvin Ridley celebrated with teammates after a long score. And UFC champ John Jones hit in the dance after knocking out his opponent while Trump watched. Oh, just stop it with this, okay?

I live by two rules. One, I do not mix politics and sports. And two, if I'm watching porn and they start speaking Russian, I'm out. The least I can do to support Ukraine. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, you know I support your anti-war jack sessions. Totally support. But you're done wrong here. We need more politics in sports.

Liberal athletes can do this too. You score a touchdown and then you hit that Joe Biden. Who's going to hate on that? I hate it, okay? We need to keep politics out of sports. Sunday is for drinking eight beers and watching football. Drinking eight beers and watching Rachel Maddow? That's a Monday thing.

You're a Monday thing. Now, fuck you, you're. I'm a Thursday thing. Oh, yeah. Best I could do is Wednesday thing. Deal. Look, my point still stands, Ronnie. There should be more politics in sports. NHL goalies should be senators,

and the slam dunk contest should be all Supreme Court justices. which brings us to my big baller Bet Benet B'et B'Belanza. What would so do you, my own signature don't be called? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You need something to do alone in your car.

All right, moving on, Ronnie. As you know, it's not just football season. It's also the holiday season. Merry Christmas, Jordan. Yes, and to you, I wish a happy Buddhism Day. Okay, it's called Asian Christmas. Thank you very much. Point being, this year there's a new movie that combines the best of both seasons.

Hallmark is making history for the upcoming holiday season with their new film, Holiday Touchdown, a Chiefs Love Story. This marks the first time the company has collaborated with the NFL and the defending Super Bowl champions. The Kansas City Chiefs are the true stars of the story. Viewers should keep an eye out for some cameos from Chief's players and some well-known faces. I hate this trend. Athletes should play sports and actors should act.

Except O.J. Simpson, you know? He could do both. That guy killed it at everything. Okay. Wrong again, hepatitis Gumby. Okay, we need more football players in movies. I mean, just imagine gronk in 12 years of slaves, okay? Never too soon for a reboot.

Ronnie, you don't understand. These football players are moving into our territory. They're trying to plant their flag in our TV industry, and we have to fight them. Okay, well, I'm not fine alongside you, okay? Where do you work out? Dress Bond? You know what? They politely asked me to stop working out there years ago.

I'll have you know I do a high-intensity circuit workout designed specifically for elderly lesbians. Which brings us to my badass bingo bomb bed of the evening. Which elderly lesbian could kick Jordan Klepper's ass? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Savings accounts are for pusses. Well, that's all for this week's sports war.

Join us next week when we debate should NFL teams get one smoke grenade per game. I mean, obviously, I think they should get one per half, like a challenge flag. That's too much smoke grenade, you idiot. No, no, there's no such thing as too much of real. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central, Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.