The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Sports War - Pt. 2

Episode Date: June 29, 2026

Welcome to Sports War, the show where the hosts are legally not allowed to agree with each other.  Dive headfirst into more of the biggest controversies in sports, while Desi Lydic, Jordan Klepper, Michael Kosta, and Ronny Chieng duke it out. -- CarShield is offering our listeners 20% off with the code TDS at https://CarShield.com/TDS -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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test it out, dream big, and wake up better. The headlines will still be there in the morning. You might as well wake up ready for them. You're listening to Comedy Central. Michael Jordan, Jordan, Clepper, this is sports war, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say baseball should get rid of the designated hitter, then I say everybody should have to hit.

The umps, the hot dog vendors, the 90-year-old organist. choke up Seymour I wish I was designated to hit you with a sock full of quarters I'd like to see you try that again when I'm sober speaking of being incentivized to hit people it was the last

week in the NFL's regular season and that means it's time for some players to cash in now with the final game of the season you get those players going all out to earn big time bucks hitting incentives escalator clauses in their contracts Von Miller needed just one sack to stack

$1.5 million in bonus. He barely gets a couple of fingers on the quarterback, but it counts. Miller only played three snaps in this game, but that's all he needed. Tampa Bay Bucks could have just taken a knee with seconds to go, but their future Hall of Famer needed just five more yards to earn three million bucks in a bonus, and he got it. Whoa, three million dollar bonus. These players are putting the damn in irreversible brain damage.

And I gotta tell you, Desi, I love it. You can't put a price on $3 million. I mean, if you did, it'd probably be $3 million. Bad take, discount, Joel McHale. Why do professional athletes need more money just for doing their jobs? Isn't the pussy enough? Sorry, Jordan, I should explain.

Pussy is slaying for a vagina, which is a woman's genitals and what your face looks like without a beard. Oh. Wrong again, Lydic. It's what my face looks like with a beard in the 1970s. My point is, Desi, how could you not like this? Even we get performance bonuses.

Every time I interrupt you, I make an extra 50 bucks. What are you even talking? Interrupting, interrupting. Ha ha! Oh! Easy 50 bucks. The system works. Maybe you should use that 50 bucks to get a haircut

that doesn't look like you're the stunt double for Tilda Swinton. Boom! I just hit my $20,000 Tilda reference bonus. You keep Tilda's name out of your filthy mouth. God, I wish you were adopted but didn't know it. That way I could break it to you when you were at your lowest and most vulnerable.

Which brings me to my can't lose bed of the week? Which notorious serial killer is probably Desi's real father? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it's barely addictive when you compare it to smoking crack. Moving on, if you missed the big NBA game last night between OKC and the Cavs, don't worry, you're not alone. The NBA is in trouble. TV ratings for pro basketball games have flopped this season.

Viewership is down nearly 20 percent. What's the blame? According to many, the three-point shot, critics accused teams of becoming excessively reliant on the deep ball in recent years. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The ratings are down because of three-pointers? Hard disagree. In fact, I got three-pointers for you right here, huh? Yeah.

And you want to guess where the third one is? The giant boil on your back that's growing eyes? Correct. What is happening to my body? But there are so fun. I love these three-pointers. So why would fans stop watching because of three-pointers? Jordan, just because you only date threes doesn't mean they're fun.

But that's not the real reason the NBA is bleeding viewers. Woke destroyed the NBA. Ratings have collapsed. Some say it's that, some say it's DEI kind of stuff. I mean, what the heck is going on? It's DEI. There are too many Eastern Europeans in the NBA. Luca Donchich and take your little C-Cimbles back to Transylvania.

Oh, Desi, look, I'm surprised you don't like diversity, given you were a diversity hire for this job. I'm a woman? No, because you're a moron, Desi. Which brings me to my Jordan's Juiced and Jack better than night. Could Desi correctly spell DEI if given both the DECD? D and the I. Brought to you by gambling.

Gambling. You know, if you run a storage unit, they don't check if you're sleeping in it. And finally, college bowl week is over. But no matter who won, there's a clear, undisputed national champion. Giant novelty vats of food. This bowl season, a lot of the attention

is on the mascots of the bulls, drenching Minnesota's head coach, P.J. Fleck, with a five-gallon tub of mayonnaise. The trophy. is a functioning toaster, and there goes the Pop-Tart mascot. Cinnamon Roll, going down, and look how he comes out. Yep, ready to be served and enjoyed by everyone as they break off a piece of cinnamon roll mascot.

Wow, wow, I love this. We should be able to eat more mascots. It's funny how everyone's happy about the Pop-Tart, but when I put the Philly fanatic in my mouth, it's sexual assault. I mean, how was I supposed to know that was his penis? If you know, you know, and you're absolutely wrong, Jordan. College sports should not be humanizing breakfast pastries, because then when I eat them, I imagine how they were burned to death

in a toaster screaming, why? God, why? And as those hot coils roast its pastry flesh, I wonder if the pain makes them taste even better and ask myself what that says about me. but then I take another bite of their delicious, jammy, pop-tart blood and smile. Bankruptcy Buster Bed of the Week. Will Jordan Clepper face justice for what he did to the Philly Fanatic? Brought to you by gambling.

Gambling. Gambling. 20 million homeless people can't be wrong. Well, that's all the time we have for sports war. Join us next time when we debate whether Aaron Rogers should re-sign with the Jets or accept the nomination for Surgeon General. No way, no way. Secretary of Interior. Check your brains interior, Dunnest.

And this is sports war, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. That's right. So if I say football games should only be played indoors. Then I say every game should be played like that scene in Top Gun, shirtless, on the beach, and in slow motion. Get to the biggest story in sports right now. We got an NFL Super Bowl rematch for the ages. Philadelphia Eagles versus the Kansas City Chiefs. And that means all of our tension will be on one thing.

Taylor Swift. The Kansas City Chiefs are headed to their third straight Super Bowl after defeating the Buffalo Bills. As the confetti fell, Taylor Swift joined in on the celebration, sharing a kiss with boyfriend Travis Kelsey. Just do a little bit, make a little love. Sports betting sites, they're already coming up with prop bets. Like, how many times will you see her?

What outfit will she have on? But there's some gutsier ones. Like will Travis Kelsey propose? Hell yeah, love is in the air. and I just spent all my heart medication money on it. Now, if Travis doesn't go down on one knee, he'll break two hearts. If Travis pops the question, I'm popping bubbles.

In fact, I'm doubling down on a pregnancy parlay in November. Hey, you don't know a thing about love, Costa. That's why it's so easy for me to catfish you into thinking I was a busty 25-year-old from Ukraine. Wrong again. I knew it was you the whole time, and I'm in love with you. What we have is real. Besides, I needed something to bet on since the NFL rigged the game for the Chiefs.

Okay, look, the NFL is not rigged for the Chiefs. It comes down to talent. It's like calling this show rigged just because I win every argument, okay? I got the brains of Bill Belichick, and you look like the son of Forrest Gump. Well, Mama always says Ronnie Chang's a huge piece of shit. Which brings us to our NFL Big Game, Bet of the Week. Now, legally, we can't say the name of the big game in a big game. or the NFL will sue us, but I can present you, my Super Bowl, spell differently, bet of the week.

Will the NFL declare the Chiefs winners before the start of the second quarter? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. You don't even have to know a shady Italian guy to do it anymore. Now, look, the game won't all be about stupid love stories. The Chiefs will be taking on the Eagles, and Philly is already practicing for a victory celebration. Philadelphia's Eagles fans spilled onto the streets celebrating their big win. This was the scene as tens of thousands packed Broad Street.

Philadelphia's mayor, Sherell Parker, tried to fire up fans. She let a chant spelling the team's name, Eagles. Let me hear you all say. Spelling B. Now step aside and watch an Indian kid crush your dreams. This kind of behavior is exactly why the Eagles don't deserve another championship. Their fans don't even care enough about the team to spell their name right. Even Ronnie can spell Eagles, and he can't even speak English. All right.

I wish I didn't speak English. My life would be so much better if I couldn't understand you. This is exactly why I love the Eagles. Even their fans have CTE. The last time the Eagles won the Super Bowl, a fan voluntarily ate horseshit to celebrate, even though no one asked them to do it. Okay?

Meanwhile, the streets of New York City are filled to the brim with horseshit because it's been so long since either New York team won a Super Bowl. So please, win already so Costa can start licking these streets clean, which brings us to the Ronnie's soup or bowl bed of the week. Which animal's feces can I trick Costa to eating? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Home ownership is a burden.

All right. Stop laughing. Let's move on from the NFL to a story none of you have seen because it's about hockey. The Washington Capitals escaped with a three to two road win over the Oilers last night. In a game that Capitals goalie Logan Thompson might argue should not have been so close. That's because Thompson says he was distracted by a tray of nachos on the ice as he gave up a goal in the third period. Two among us, really. The nachos, having been tossed onto the ring by a fan, did not interfere with Oilers players as they skated into the Capitol's zone

and took the shot from a few feet from the discarded snack. Wow, these athletes have become so soft. they're getting the ass whipped by nachos? Hey, let hockey fans be part of the game and throw whatever they want on the rink, okay? Popcorn, divorce papers, their most aerodynamic children. You brought them to a hockey game. You're already a bad father.

And shut your pucking mouth, Ronnie, all right? These nachos created a dangerous situation for players who should have been focused on beating the teeth out of each other. Plus, it's really hard to do your job when a stupid, annoying piece of trash is in your peripheral vision. In that analogy, Ronnie,

you are the wet, cold, trash nachos. Boom. The raw dog is killing it tonight. How's that raw dog Costa-Caseo tasting? Which brings us to our Michael Costa's super bowel bet of the night. How many people would mourn if Ronnie slipped and drowned in a vat of nacho cheese? As always, brought to you by gambling.

Gambling. Your mom's ATM pin is probably your birthday. That's all the time we have for today. Join us next week when we debate if a tie really is as bad as kissing your sister. Well, I can tell you from personal experience, it's not nearly as hot. I know that. Clepper, this is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So if I say the Super Bowl should have fewer commercials.

Then I say all the players should be dressed like Flo from Progressive. Oh, come on. No one wants to see Travis Kelsey in an April. Yeah, tell that to my porn-up search history, Ronnie. Now, Sunday officially marked the end of the football season. We laughed. We cried. Ronnie tried to kiss me after every touchdown. And we crowned the Philadelphia Eagles our new champions.

Utter domination. There is no other way to describe what the Eagles did to the Chiefs. Talk about a blowout. Even I was like, is there a mercy rule here? The most boring game you could expect. I mean, some people might have gotten to bed because they turn. He was an old school clunker. Oh, that was the worst Super Bowl in history.

The Eagles dominated the entire evening. And just like Ronnie, after eating dairy, the chief shit the bed. You know what? I think I speak for everyone when I say, no more Super Bowls. NFL, you had a good run. You ended racism, cured breast cancer,

and found a woman under 30 who wants to see Bill Belichick naked. Jordan, have you been doing I'm going ayahuasca of Aaron Rogers again? Okay, we can't cancel the Super Bowl. It's the only thing keeping Grong from going throughout garbage at night. Plus, I don't know about you, but this was

the best Super Bowl of my life. I mean, yeah, it had touchdowns, Tom Brady's new face, seal as a seal, and Jordan losing an ass ton of money betting on the Chiefs. I mean, what happened, Mahomes? You look like Ronnie out there, completely lost with the terrible haircuts.

The Chiefs were my ticket out of the hell hole. And now I owe a lot of money to a very, very bad man. Which brings us to my Jordan owes me a lot of money better than night. Which big Italian man will I send to Jordan's house tonight? As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling, you have two kidneys for a reason. Now, while Philly dominated the big game, it's important to remember. The Chiefs weren't the only ones getting dragged all over the field on Sunday.

For 13 minutes, Kendrick Lamar provided the world with the halftime show that stayed true to himself. Just as we thought it might not happen, Kendrick took the elephant in the room for a walk around the Superdome. King Kendrick went hard, leading the stadium in his accusatory taunt. The knockout blow in his public battle with Drake.

I've had it with these motherfuckin' drakes on this motherfuckin' plane. Hendrick, the world's on fire, the president's in the stands. you're using the biggest stage on the planet to go after Drake again? We get it. You don't like him. Save your petty beef for the group chat. Like Ronnie's fake accent, you're overdoing it. All right. Well, I disagree with you, Jordan, because unlike you, I love black people.

And I thought Kendrick's performance was incredible. I mean, he proved what I've been saying for decades. The halftime show should always be about petty grievances. I mean, next year, I want to see Blake lively and Justin Baudoni jousting to the death. Presented by gambling. Of course. Gambling, unlike Drake, you can come back from this. And finally, let's not forget about a huge update rocking the world of gambling. The former interpreter of Dodgers star, Shohei Otani, was sentenced today to nearly five years in prison in a sports betting case that made world headlines.

Ipe Mizuhara pled guilty last year after impersonating a person. in a bid to steal millions to cover his gambling bets and debts. Asian representation shouldn't be sending Shohei's interpreter to jail. We should be giving him a medal. I mean, you think Shohei has talent? It takes real skill to steal money from someone you work with, right? Especially when you have to guess their mother's maiden name. What is it again, Jordan?

Pekowski, is that with a K? It's with a C, you dipshit. And you keep my mother's maiden name out of your mouth. See, this is my point. Gambling shouldn't be about hurting the people closest to you? Whatever happened to doing it the old-fashioned way? Making dogs fight each other. As someone who had their identity stolen by a certain Japanese co-worker,

this is a disgrace. Well, I know you can't be talking about me because I'm Malaysian. Oh. Stop making up new types of Asians. It's offensive. Which brings us to my Jordan's big dinger, bed of the night. Which Malaysian celebrity will go? Go to jail next for Otani's gambling.

As always brought to you by gambling, gambling, and got Pete Rose into heaven, why not you? Well, that's all the time we have for sports war. Join us next week when we debate whether the NFL should expand to a 52 game season. If you're 52, it should be at least 104. That way they have no time to get injured in between games. 52 makes the most sense.

That's what you need. You need more games. This spring, Denham gets a softer, lighter update. Introducing Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg, a new fit that moves with you. It's everything you want denim to feel like for summer. Easy, breathable, and effortlessly cool. With a fit that creates natural movement

and a wide leg that feels modern, not overwhelming. Plus, that signature, wait, for this price, moment. Old Navy's drapey denim wide leg. I'm Roy Chegg. And I'm Jordan Clepper. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each For example, if I say that athlete should be allowed to take steroids to get bigger.

Then I say that athlete should be getting smaller. Like ant-man, I want teeny tiny little athletes. That's nuts, Ronnie. Come on. How would they even pick up a basketball? Well, ants can live 50 times their body weight. Try culturing yourself and watching a Marvel movie, you moron. I watched your Marvel movie. What was it called? Right. Nobody remembers. Oh, really? Well, how many Marvel movies were you in? I'm more of a theater guy. Thank you very much. I'm something like that.

Anyway, let's start things off with March Madness, the time of year when people yell Gonzaga, and not just during orgasm. But this year, the aides of March didn't bring much of the madness. It's actually been an oddly tame start to March Madness. We didn't get those typical upsets that were used to. The top four seeds in each region, a combined 16 in the first round for the first time since 2017. Of the first 32 games in the first round, 20 were won by you. double digits. Wow, just like Jordan over here.

This year's tournament sucks. Where's the drama? Where's the crazy upsets? The only reason I watch these games is to see Duke fans crying to their ascots. Where are my Cinderella stories at? Usually there's at least one fairy tale underdog with a starting lineup of guys that all

have hot conditions and whose team just integrated for the first time. Ronnie, I can't tell which is more busted. Your bracket or your face. Look, this has been an incredible tournament. I only want to watch major colleges, not some team like Mount Sinai bumfri

getting shellacked by a top dog in the Sweet 16. Honestly, this is the most excited I've been for Sweet 16 since Ronnie's Kinsenera. Okay, Kinsenera is at 15, Pendejo. Also, me, Kinsendera very exelante.

Wow. That layover in Madrid did some wonders, Ronnie. Which brings us to our Super Sweet 16, Better Than Night. Which college mascot will be the first to do over-the-pants stuff at the Sweet 16. As always, brought to you by gambling. It's the fun way to sell your house. Moving on, despite the lack of March Madness upsets, there was one Cinderella story that the entire world could get behind. One of the biggest stars of March Madness in the men's side isn't even a player.

12-seat McNeice state's Cinderella run is over, but people fell in love with their student manager, Amir Khan, aka A.A. A.A. A.A. A. A. he's like their hype man. Popularity reportedly landing Amir at least 10 NIL deals with major brands earning into the six figures. Khan going viral this season for leading his team out to play carrying a boombox.

Come this kid. ORA Khan deserves these endorsement deals because he's done the impossible. He put McNeese on the map. Before Khan, I thought McNeese was the name of the third Culkin brother. Now, now I know it's the best school in the state of, I want to say McNeese. I don't know.

Jordan, did your brain tear its ACL? We shouldn't be giving an equipment manager endorsement deals. It's against the natural order of things. The jocks get the endorsement deals and the glory and the girls and the nerds get to get beat up by the jocks, then start social media companies that warp the brains of the jocks to eventually vote against their own interests. which brings us to my bracket buster better than night.

Which random nerd will get an endorsement deal next? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. As Thomas Jefferson once said, it ain't gay if it's a palae. Now it's time for our sports war halftime report with Grace Cooling Smith. Pretty underwhelming performance by both hosts.

There is one major upset to report. very upset. I had to witness this. But now I'd like to give everyone an update on the NCAA women's basketball tournament. Thanks, Grace. Wow. That's close. About to blow my

brain down over there. Yikes. Oh, right to the line. Good. Oh, anyway. Woo. Moving on. From the balls on the court to balls off the court. Away from the basketball arena.

It's a different kind of March Madden. is underway. Every year around this time, doctors see a surge in men scheduling vasectomies. Men figure if they're going to be laid up on the couch for a couple of days, and might as well be at a time when there's something to watch on TV, like 48 basketball games in four days. Urologists are catching on, even offering deals with slogans like it's hip to get snipped. Others offer basketball-shaped ice packs. Bravo, bravo. I love dudes. This is exactly what vasectomy is all about.

Watching sports alone with a bag of frozen peas on your junk. I mean, me, I'm on my 11th vasectomy this year. Is that why you missed my wedding? No, I missed it because I don't like seeing you happy. Okay. Right. Look, much like your penis, your argument is completely mangled. Look, these vasectomies are a disaster.

If people are having vasectomies, they aren't having kids. If people aren't having kids, then those kids aren't playing sports. And if they're not playing sports, then I can't bet on their little league games. Now I look like a psycho betting on Little League games when there's no children on the field. I'm not a psycho, Ronnie. I just need little Arlo to bat over 500 so Daddy can get back to even.

Which brings me to my ballbuster better than night. Will the Bakersfield Junior Astros score more than 22 runs in the pee-week quarterfinals? Brought to you by gambling. It's like a vasectomy for your wallet. Good, before we go, let's throw it back to Grace for our post-game report.

Thanks, Ronnie. Looking at the numbers, we had three swear words, 17 dick jokes, and two men wasting what little life they have left. Made on the women's bracket. Thank you. That's it. Next week when we debate whether Vanessa Trump would look better with Tiger Woods or Tony the Tiger. Okay, it's hard to say, Jordan. Tony the Tiger is a massive dog. All right, I've seen it when you eat cereal. Ronnie Chan. And I'm Michael Costa. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree. with each other. For example, if I say UFC needs to be more violent... Oh, well, then I say fighters need to sell a differences peacefully with a licensed therapist.

Yeah, well, I'd like to introduce you to my two therapists, Sigmund Freud and Carl Young. Oh, yeah? Well, I should go to therapy, see as how I'm obsessed with your mom. Yeah. Yeah, man, exactly. You need to explore those feelings with a licensed medical profession. I'll send you some names. Hey, let's talk golf, okay? Short game, amateur, Handicap, Ball Washer. These aren't just Ronnie's nicknames. They're golf terms. And this week was a historic one on the links.

Tonight, Rory McElroy is now one of only six golfers to win all four major golf championships, winning the Masters for the first time. The kid who grew up in Northern Ireland. Overcome with emotion. Winning his first green jacket. 11 years after winning his last major championship. Wow. Congrats to Roy McElroy.

It took him 11 years. years to get a new green blazer. And as someone currently serving a 20-year ban from the men's warehouse, I can totally relate. This is totally different, you idiot. Rory was trying to accomplish one of the hottest things in all the sports. You just

took a dump in a fitting room. Well, they guaranteed I was going to like the way I looked, and breaking a verbal contract has consequences. The point is, I'm happy for Roy McElroy. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not, okay? I don't want to see him happy. Everyone knows that Irish people are at their best when they're depressed.

Haven't you ever read James Joyce? Hell no, I'm a Frank McCourt man. Well, he's Irish American, dumbass. Check your stats, bro. McCourt was raised in the slums of Limerick, and he spoke to the soul of Irish suffering like no man since William Butler Yates, dumbass, which brings to our eyes Irish eyes bed of the night.

What will make Roy McElroy cry in public next? As always, brought to you by gambling. The only thing you're really addicted to is having a good time. And moving on, the NBA playoffs start Saturday. But if you're a little girl with a big imagination like Costa, you also have a reason to be excited. Move over Ken. LeBron James is a first male athlete to be part of the new Ken Basseter line of Barbie dolls.

Look at them. The message on the back of the box says, A true MVP, our LeBron James Ken Basseters doll represents resilience, hope, and pride for the city of Alps. This is the dumbest toy ever. I hope it comes of a brawny James doll that you're forced to play with even though it sucks. Wrong again, boy, toy. I happen to love LaBarby.

He has every... He has what every little girl wants in a doll, pride for the city of Akron. Now, they can play until their heart's content with a middle-aged man dressed like a 14-year-old. No notes. They should expand this to other NBA legends. like Dennis Rodman, the worm, the first doll in Barbie history with the piercible scrotum. Or my favorite, my favorite from childhood, Will Chamberlain.

There are hundreds of different Barbies, and he can have sex with all of them. Which brings us to our extremely random endorsement deal Better the Week, presented by Joanne Fabrics. Which athlete will sign the next extremely random endorsement deal? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. They're doing amazing things with wheelchairs now. Look, let's go to the diamond.

Baseball is a sport where you have to know your signs, right? Curveball, pitching change. I'll take four beers. No tip. But this week, Bryce Harper took that to the next level. Philadelphia, Philly slugger Bryce Harper is about to take another swing at fatherhood. And he got creative with the baby's gender revealed during last night's game. Harper asked shortstop, Trey Turner, to hand him either a blue or a pink. bat before he went up to hit as a gender reveal.

He found out right before seven up to the plate that he'll be having a baby boy. This is awesome. Baseball needs more medical tests revealed during games. I want to see a runner slide into home and the umpire yells, you are safe from TASX disease. Costa, you're out of your fucking mind, all right?

This is ruining the game. You can't be doing gender reveals at the plate. Gender reveals are supposed to be for a close group of loved ones. that you're hoping to injure with explosives. Ronnie, I got your agenda reveal bat right here. Surprise, it's brown since you're a piece of shit. Well, Costa.

Yep. For those of us who've had sex, this is a disaster, all right? Baseball is the thing you think about when you're not trying to get someone pregnant. Get your family planning out of my sports, okay? Can we please see a baseball story that has nothing to do with sex? The Baltimore Orioles double a affiliate, the Chesapeake Bay Sox, decided to unveil an alternative team identity and helped them gain traction with new audiences.

That included the new alternative name, the oyster catchers, along with a brand new logo. This logo, which, at least to many, seems to depict a baseball glove catching an oyster. Others interpreted it a bit differently. The team took the criticisms to heart, deleting their own announcement within minutes. But later, they unveiled a new logo showing a bird holding a bat. God damn it I'm never going to be able to slop an oyster off a baseball glove ever again

and that's the only way I like them what are you talking about Ronnie the oyster logo is great if anything the new logo is the one that's perverted that bird is clearly flying away with some guy's severed penis and you know what that poor guy

but those lucky baby birds what a lunch this whole thing just confirms my belief that baseball team should get rid of logos entirely okay if you're They're not sexualizing oysters. They're pissing off Native Americans. Every team should just name themselves after their city,

like the Philadelphia Phillies, the Boston-Bostonies, the Clevelandies, the Detroit Titties. Nothing sexual. Okay? I disagree, Ron. All team names should be sexual, but educational. Sex ed in this country is a joke. But if the Philadelphia Philopian tubes play the Cleveland steamers,

well, now we're learning. Which brings us to our four-carat. Diamond, bed of the week. What baseball mascot will Ronnie have a wet dream about tonight? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Tons of cultures sleep outside. All right, that's it for sports war. Join us next time when we debate what act of war, Jean Moran will should mine for his next celebration. It's got to be hitting the nuclear button, man. You got to hit that button. Picture this. It's the middle of summer. The family is packed into the car for a road trip and about two hours into the middle of nowhere,

the engine starts making a sound like a blender full of wrenches. The transmission gives out. Now there's a breakdown on the shoulder of the highway with restless kids, a stressed-out spouse, and a brutal pit in the stomach, knowing a massive out-of-pocket repair bill is on its way. It's an absolute nightmare. And that's why Car Shield is a lifesaver.

They take the absolute terror out of car breakdowns, with these crazy complex modern vehicles, repair costs are soaring, but CarShield offers low-cost, month-to-month protection plans that save the family budget from those brutal surprises. When a vehicle breaks down, CarShield provides 24-7 roadside assistance, courtesy towing, and rental car options at no extra cost. Plus, they partner with ASE-certified mechanics nationwide, and their contracts have incredibly low deductions. They've been doing this for over 20 years,

covering 2 million vehicles with a 96% customer review rating. They even have an A-plus rating from the Triple B and were named a USA top place to work for 2026. They are the real deal. Look at the facts. Repair costs are soaring and modern vehicles are more complex than ever. Waiting for your transmission to fail before you act isn't just a bad idea. It's bad math.

Get ahead of the curve with CarShield. Now, CarShield is offering our listeners 20% off with the code TDS at CarShield.com slash TDS. Visit CarShield.com slash TDS to lock in your coverage today and protect yourself from expensive car repairs. Again, go to CarShield.com slash TDS and use code TDS for 20% off. Mary's, I'm Roy Chez. And I'm Michael Costa. This is sports war, the show where we are legally not a lot of. allowed to agree with each other.

That's right. So if I say the hardest thing in sports is hitting a fastball... Then I say the hardest thing is changing a sumo wrestler's diaper, all right? I'd like to see Aaron Judge do that. I'm serious. I paid good money to see that. I pay good money to see a horse kick you

in the face. Until then, let's talk sports. And the only story that matters is New York! Wild celebrations in New York City overnight after the Nix eliminated the Boston Celtics to make the Eastern Conference finals for the first time in 25 years.

Thousands of fans then poured into the streets postgame. They like shut down everything around Penn Station and Madison Square Garden. Is that Spider-Man? Go New York. Go New York! People smiling in Midtown, Manhattan? No city parties hotter while standing in urine than New York City,

all right? And I love that guy who climbed the billboard. Can you believe he only pays $1,700 a month to live up there? It's practically a studio. But you know what? New Yorkers wait a long time. They deserve this. And the best part of this celebration, Michael Costa, wasn't there. Of course I wasn't there. I was out to dinner with my best friend, P.F. Chang. We shared fajitas at Applebee's. Great guy, actually. Hey, mixed fans, you're partying too early.

It's only the second round. Your timing is almost as bad as that idiot I saw celebrating Halloween. today. He had on a cop costume. A cop car was like with four other dudes in the exact same dumb cop costume. People are really fucking stupid, man. Which brings us to our bye-bye Boston better than night. How will New Yorkers celebrate a Knicks championship brought to you by gambling? Gambling. I heard Greyhounds actually like running until their legs explode. Let's move on from celebrating basketball and celebrate love or whatever the hell this is. North Carolina head football coach Bill Belichick

and his 24-year-old girlfriend, Jordan Hudson, are apparently engaged. A story in the New York Times says Jordan has told one person she and Belichick are, quote, engaged to be married. Yeah, 73-year-old Bill Belichick and 24-year-old Jordan Hudson are engaged. That's going to be. one hell of a wedding slash funeral.

Bill, Bill, listen to me. This is all happening way too fast. I mean, has she even met your parents yet? Why is Bill locking himself down when he could be cleaning up at the nursing home? Believe me, there's nothing hotter than going down on someone mid-dialysis. You puff, all right?

You're just jealous. You'll never be famous enough to date a woman born four years from now. We should be celebrating their love. Love is strange. That's why it's beautiful. Remember that turtle that had sex with that shoe? Well, that shoe was 40 years younger than that turtle, and they seem perfectly happy to me.

Well, look. This brings us to our sugar baby, better than night. Will Bill Belichick smile at his own wedding? Brought to you by gambling. Gambling. Bet your inheritance before your 24-year-old stepmom gets it. Moving on, Costa. What's the nicest bathroom you've ever used?

The one of my friend P.F. Chang's house. And no, he doesn't live in a P.F. Chang's. He lives above one, and it makes the male a nightmare. I truly regret talking to you. Roll the clip. The Dodgers signed Japanese pitcher Rogi Sasaki. After a meeting where he asked of Japanese-style toilets would be part of the team's new $100 million.

cellar locker room. He was promised that they would be included. He says they were a factor in getting him to sign with the team. In case she were wondering, Japanese toilets often include a bidet function, remote controls, heated seats, and an automatic lid among other features. Hey, it's about time, all right? Baseball players are terrible at wiping. Have you ever noticed those shit marks under their eyes? It's embarrassing. Ronnie, Ronnie, sounds like you rub shit on your brain. I mean, Japanese toilets in American baseball stadiums?

Why did we even fight World War II? My grandfather died in Pearl Harbor. Well, a screening of the film. He choked on a milked-up. The point is, I don't need some toilet kamikazeing my butt crack. Which brings us to our Tush Tech better than night. Who will be the first Dodgers player to get sucked into a Japanese toilet?

Brought to you by gambling. gambling. The new Pope hasn't condemned it yet. Well, that's all the time we have to wage war over sports. Join us next time when we debate if it's time for professional swimmers to swim in something other than water. Yeah, like a marinara sauce. That could be interesting. Italian swimmers would dominate. Don't be racist. You don't know anything about it. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

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