The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Star Wars Day

Episode Date: May 4, 2025

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... The Daily Show started covering Star Wars movies, their overblown release hype and corporate merchandising synergy. Join us on the dark side as we take a look back. May the Fourth be with You.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. In America, our own young people are taking up a similarly passionate cause. Yes, America's youth have rallied around the noble flag of... The new Star Wars movie! Episode 1, The Fandom Menace. It is a period of nerdy anticipation. Teens with rebellious acne striking from hidden pores have begun their first battle against the evil Galactic Empire

boys who girls like. Let's hear from someone who's taken up the cause. Yoda man, Yoda man. I'll see this movie most likely six times in one day. The very first showing being the midnight show, and after that the noon show, the 4 p.m. show, the 7 p.m. show, the 10 p.m. show, the 10 p.m. show, and the midnight show the next day.

He reportedly added, after that I'll go home, be treated for scabies, and bury my dog. Oh! ["Dreams of a New World"] In case you've been frozen in carbonite for the last six months, the new Star Wars movie Episode 1 The Phantom Menace opens next Wednesday. We sent our own Vance the Generous to Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, where fans have

been waiting in line for six weeks. Vance will be living with them until the movie opens. So here it is, our Star Wars, the obligatory coverage. No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! coverage. That's actually the ending oops. Hey Vance, Degeneres are you out there is there a lot of excitement in the line? Well John it's Hollywood and

excitement is Hollywood's middle name especially when it comes to long lines. John I went out and put together a little piece today. Let's take a look at it. Excuse me, how long have you been waiting in this line? Just about 10 seconds. About 30 seconds. About a minute. How long are you prepared to wait?

Not very long. And yet another line, moving, yet certainly a line. Has it affected your family in any way? Has this affected your family in any way? Has this affected your job in any way? You're annoyed at having to wait. Yes, yes, but we're not really waiting for anything. So, as you can clearly see, John, here in Hollywood, lines are a horse of a different color.

Vance, not that those aren't really good lines, but we say to Hollywood to cover the fans in line at the Chinese theater for the opening of the new Star Wars movie? My mistake, John. I'm sorry. I thought you sent me out here to do a story on lines in general, but that makes much more sense. Excellent idea, John.

Well, go on over to the Chinese theater and get your sleeping bag and get in line. We'll see you Monday. Vance DeGeneres, live somewhere in Hollywood. At Man's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, fans have been in line for six weeks for the opening of Star Wars The Phantom Menace. Our own Vance DeGeneres has been camping out for five days,

and he's met some very interesting characters. So here it is, Star Wars, the obligatory coverage. No! No! No! No! No! No!

Flashy. Vance DeGeneres is standing by live. Vance, we're all eager to know, what's it like out there living the Star Wars adventure? Well, John, I have to tell you, my sleeping bag has a funny smell and last night a hobo stepped on my finger. Well what's the atmosphere like there Vance? Well John, during the day it's pretty tame but after midnight it's sort of like being a kid at a circus, only without the wild animals and tents or fun.

And instead of clowns you have crack-fueled gang members piling out of cars. Fortunately I'm protected by line-dwelling Star Wars fanatics wielding toy light sabers and the Force. Well speaking of the Star Wars fans, how about introducing us to some of the fans? You bet John. We'll meet some super fans who have incredibly long, endless minutia filled stories about which Rebel Alliance military insignia is coolest. Well we're getting a little tight on time Vance so why don't you talk to the experts themselves the fans. Absolutely John that's an excellent idea because who else would be able to go on and on and on for days on end acting out scenes from Star Wars and scenes they

made up and songs about Star Wars they made up, songs like Domo Arigato, Mr. R2-D2. All right, well that's great. Vance, let's meet him. Let's take a look at the fans and have a... All right, all right. Say no more, Vance. We'll get that song next time.

We'll have another live report from Vance the Generous tomorrow. Good luck out there, Vance. We'll get that song next time. We'll have another live report from Vance DeGeneres tomorrow. Good luck out there, Vance. Yeah. Right now, at Mann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, diehard fans have been in line for weeks for the opening of the new Star Wars movie. Our own Vance DeGeneres has been camping out with the fans, soaking up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. We now continue with Star Wars, the Our own Vance DeGeneres has been camping out with the fans, soaking up this once in a lifetime opportunity. We now continue with Star Wars the obligatory coverage.

Yes. Vance, how's it going out there in Hollywood? Are you getting the Star Wars fever Vance? Vance DeGener Wars fever Vance? Vance the Generous? Vance? Vance? What? Vance, are you alright? What happened to your clothes and your hygiene? I ran out of food and water so I traded my suit for some fresca. I hope it's fresca. Did you know you can cook a roach with a single match? Vance, I had no idea this was going on. What about the other fans in line? How are they It's fresca. Did you know you can cook a roach with a single match?

Fans, I had no idea this was going on. What about the other fans in line? How are they holding up? Are they gonna be able to hang on for the opening of the movie? Movies? We sent you out there to cover the opening of Star Wars movie.

I like movies, but not sad ones. Did you know you can turn an ordinary egg carton into a handy portable latrine, and it takes over six minutes for 3,752 ants to walk just six feet? Concentrate, Vance. We heard a rumor George Lucas himself is going to be at the Chinese theater for the first showing of the film. That's exciting, isn't it?

Maybe. Well, Vance, can you tell us anything about... Vance, can you tell... Vance? Uh... Well, tomorrow, hopefully, we'll have an actual report on the movie from Vance DeGeneres. Vance DeGeneres, ladies and gentlemen.

Ah, here it is. Day 52 of our obligatory Star Wars coverage. Nine bucks. New Star Wars movie premieres, fans say, better than spaceballs. Following a barrage of hype that makes you wistful for the soft sell of Titanic, fans gathered for the midnight opening of Star Wars, allowing George Lucas to finally pay off his student loans. Excited fans staged these unbelievably realistic lightsaber battles, recreating the classic scene where two jedis fight over an eight dollar milk dud.

The fans were out in mass. Let's hear from one of the more well-adjusted ones now. May the force be with you. I don't want to say anything, but I think that's my accountant. I don't want to say anything, but I think that's my accountant. Across the nation, films started late due to the extra time needed to create aisle space for all the lizard terrariums, clarinet cases, and unwieldy retainer boxes. There we go. Welcome back to the program. This past Sunday was a banner day for fans of the Star Wars series.

As Fox aired the first glimpse of the latest installment of the saga, Attack of the Clones. Joining us now are resident expert in all things science fiction, Stephen Colbert. Stephen, you've worked with Bradbury, with Huxley, understudied many of them. What did you think of this particular trailer? John, I loved it. The special effects were mind-blowing, the editing was crisp, Jimmy Smits was in it. I don't want to tell you the ending, but what the heck, I'll just show it to you. Your first chance to see the trailer for Star Wars Episode II. Look at this. Now, for those of you who don't know how to read, they're telling you that this is the

exact same trailer you can see this Friday during previews before the showing of the new Fox animated classic, Ice Age. I have got to see that. Ice Age? No, the new Star Wars trailer. But it's the same trailer you just saw on TV. Right, right, right, but it's gonna be on the big screen in a big theater. I can't impress upon you how the largeness of it

will increase its size. You see, at home I'm bigger than my TV. But in a movie theater, the screen dwarfs me. The TV trailer has only whet my appetite. The feast is this Friday. So you're really looking forward to this movie? No. No.

Did you not like episode one? No, I mean, I loved the trailer. But I heard the movie was terrible, you know? It was like 133 minutes. I could watch 30 or 40 trailers during that same time. You just like trailers? What's not to like, John? I mean, you got the buttery voice narrator

asking me to imagine a world where something happens or every so often a film comes along that does something. I love the excitement when the trailer is fun and upbeat and then you hear that needle scratch like, ah, and everything sort of stops and then someone m that needle scratch, like, -"Ah!" and everything sort of stops, and then someone mugs for the camera, like, -"Wuh-wuh-wuh!" Or when someone's about to say a dirty word,

then they cut to a tanker truck exploding, like, -"Suck my...!" You know, that, that, my friend, is trailer attainment. It is, it is, it is. You don't like movies at all? I love movies, John. I just don't see why they have to be so long. You know, nobody walks out of trailers because they're perfect. And in fact, there is nothing in this world that wouldn't be better in trailer form.

I mean, take this Star Wars commentary, for instance. Wouldn't it have been a lot better if we had just done it like this? In a world where one man loved it. John, I loved it. Wouldn't have been a lot better if we had just done it like this. John, I loved it. Jimmy Smits was in it. I'm pregnant. Movies are just watered down trailers. The Stephen Colbert trailer commentary, winner of the coveted Pom Dore. Coming to The Daily Show three minutes ago. John.

Thank you, Stephen. That was nice. Stephen Colbert, everybody. We'll be right back. A deafening screech, pink eyes beaming from the darkness, a monstrous white form streaks past you, leaving only a gelatinous trail of fetid stench. A monster?

No. It was your live-at-home son going to get the new Star Wars toys. You're not going to get the new Star Wars toys. You're not going to get the new Star Wars toys. You're not going to get the new Star Wars toys. leaving only a gelatinous trail of fetid stench. A monster? No. It was your live-at-home son going to get the new Star Wars toys. Might be a good time to hose out his lair. Yes, Hasbro has unleashed its episode two

Attack of the Clones toy line, a full three weeks before the much-anticipated release of the Star Wars installment. The sure-to-be-hot items include Anakin Skywalker, Obi, or Jango, Martin Luther King, what the hell? We only had three. So we threw in him to try and soothe out the whole Jar Jar Binks debacle.

Toys R Us officials beamed at what lay ahead. The line is fabulous. You know, this movie is rich with characters and with content, with vehicles and scenes that are really very exciting. You heard it here first. X-Tree, X-Tree. Star Wars Episode II is going to feature content, vehicles and scenes. That guy can sell anything.

Also in anticipation of the film's release, a video of John Williams and the London Semity Orchestra performing a track entitled Across the Stars premiered on TRL earlier this week. Imagine that was shortly after the premiere of MTV's Becoming Yo-Yo Ma. of MTV's Becoming Yo-Yo Ma. The entire audience tonight, all PBS tote bag owners. The video also lets fans know that horror legend Christopher

Lee has joined the cast. Join me, Obi-Wan, and together we will destroy the Sith. Join me, Obi-Wan, and together we will destroy the Sith. In the film, Lee plays the role of Darth Taranis. The name Darth is used for many villains in the Star Wars movies, including Darth Vader and Darth Maul. It's been reported George Lucas has already chosen his Darth for episode three.

A character so nefarious, he could only be named Darth Darth. LAUGHTER I am your father. Seriously. Finally! A reason to live. Star Wars episode something attack Attack of the Thingers, is lumbering into theaters. Upon exiting last night's first midnight showings,

many fans said the film was actually better than the last installment, episode one, The Phantom Menace. Well, that's a rare honor shared with such other films as Snow Dogs. Believe it or not, the film's marketing was considered low key by Hollywood blockbuster standards with only 25 million spent in advertising. Even though Yoda was on the cover of Time Magazine last month, it was only to discuss his crippling addiction to diet pills.

Hey, you're ready. There you go. Talk has... Talk has already begun of Star Wars Episode III, which is expected to follow Anakin and Padme's adventures as they inherit a whipped cream factory on the planet Naboo, which is run by a wacky scientist played by Nathan Lane. All their lives are turned upside down when they adopt a little black boy

who teaches them the meaning of love. And thanks for that exclusive episode three preview information. It goes out to our daily show, Fact Checker, Dr. Idiot. He's really not very good at his job, perhaps we should fire him. So is Attack of the Clones...

Is Attack of the Clones worthy of the hype? Here's Frank DeCaro with the Clones worthy of the hype? Here's Frank DeCarol with the answer, which of course is no. ["Pain, Suffering, Death, I Feel." by The Bachelorette plays.] Oh, come on Yoda, it wasn't that bad. Well Star Wars Episode 2, Attack of the Clones has landed, and the good news is it's an improvement over Star Wars Episode 1, The Phantom Menace. Of course just leaving the theater after Episode 1 was an improvement on Episode 1. Since nothing I say will stop you from seeing this blockbuster, here's what happens.

The pod-racing little kid from Phantom Menace has grown up to be a member of the Thompson twins. We all know Big Anakin, played by Hayden Christensen, is going to turn into Darth Vader, but for now he's doing his heavy breathing over Natalie Portman. She plays Padme Amidala. She used to be queen, but now she's just a senator, just like Hillary Clinton.

Must be difficult having sworn your love to the Jedi, not being able to do the things you like. I'll be with the people that I love. Are you allowed to love? These two couldn't have less chemistry if they were in separate movies. In between uncomfortable kisses, there's a lot of mumbo jumbo about trade sanctions,

Senate deliberations, and separatist movements. The Senate must vote the Chancellor emergency powers. As my first act, I will create a grand army of the Republic. Fun! It's like C-SPAN with lasers. Do you have any idea who is behind this attack? Of course, George Lucas. The real love story in episode two is between old George and $140 million worth

of computer-generated special effects, most of it for Natalie Portman's hair. There are some saving graces here, including some fantastic production design, legitimately exciting action sequences, and Jedi candy Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Whenever he's on screen, I feel like I'm gonna have an episode too.

Then, of course, there's Yoda. And boy, was I glad to see him. In grave danger, you are. You know you're in trouble when a computer-generated lawn ornament is the most natural actor in your movie. In the end, Attack of the Clones is short on substance and long on style. And just plain long.

Went to bathroom twice, this reviewer did. Begun this corn war has. Whatever. Back to you, John, my boba fetish. Thank you, Frank. We'll be right back. This past weekend, you may have experienced a strange sensation, something that can only be described as a disturbance in the force, specifically the sales force.

Toy and retail stores nationwide celebrated the upcoming premiere of the sixth and final Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith, with a midnight rollout of a brand new line of merchandise. Among the top offerings, this talking Yoda doll, A cool new way to teach kids bad grammar. Mmm, incorrect English this is. There's also a Darth Tater, Mr. Potato Head doll. Though sadly he's more machine than potato now. Darth Tater.

I wish I was making this up. Perfect for those who crave evil, but wish it were starchier. In New York's Times Square, some enthusiasts even celebrated by showing up in full Star Wars regalia. There were legions of costumed characters, all your favorites, from Princess Leia to Jedi M&M. What movie was he in? Yes, the peanut is strong in this one.

Walmart was among the retailers taking part in the product launch. And if you've ever wondered exactly how they keep their prices so low, here's how they do it. Grandma labor! I find your attempts to unionize most disturbing. As for the manufacturers of these toys, Hasbro official Brian Goldner explained, they're really a chance to teach children about morality.

We give kids the opportunity to choose between the light side and the dark side of the force. the opportunity to choose between the light side and the dark side of the force. By the way, did you know that the true identity of the emperor? Hasbro official Brian Golden. So how best to rally the GOP troops for the upcoming fall election?

A rededication to the party platform, a review of their recent accomplishments. Or you could produce an eight-minute parody of Star Wars called Election Wars, in which Democratic minority leader Nancy Pelosi is Darth Nancy, evil cohort of sinister figures like Howard Dean and the dreaded campaign committee chair, Rahm Emanuel.

How could you take on a fearsome juggernaut like that? They had a plan to defeat Darth Nancy with a strategy built from the ground up, and it was up to their battle-tested incumbents to carry it out. They vowed to band together once more to deny the majority to Darth Nancy and the evil Democrat empire. Evil Democrat empire?

I got news for you. If we're going to do the Star Wars analogy, the Democrats are at best Ewoks. At best. Believe me, you'd be pumping up their egos to call them Jawas. Why can't the Republicans just admit it? You're in charge. You control the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court.

You're not a bunch of ragtag rebels fighting the empire. You're the empire. Besides, the Star Wars thing... The Star Wars thing is lame anyway. It's just, you know, you're the Empire. You're the Empire. Besides, the Star Wars thing... The Star Wars thing is lame anyway. It's an outdated, nerdy reference.

It doesn't even begin to... I know you masturbated to me in the 70s. I know you masturbated to me in seven weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I always dreamed she saw that,

but I never thought she did. Yeah. Yeah. Disney released a new Star Wars show on their streaming platform Disney+, which I've heard is good, but not as good as Paramount+. Now, this Star Wars show is not the one about the Mandalorian, and it's not the one about Boba Fett.

No, this one is about Obi-Wan Kenobi, the galaxy's most powerful hobo. And anyone can see where this is going, right? It's like show after show on Disney. You see what they're doing. Now, you get it. Their plan is to release a show about every character in Star Wars. It's genius. Make a ton of money.

Personally, I can't wait for the Jabba the Hot sitcom. -♪ What? I know she broke your heart, Jabba, but you got to start dating again. -♪ Oh, oh, oh, for sure, I can heart, Jabba, but you got to start dating again. Oh, oh, oh. For such a huge job, I... Dude, chaining her up and putting her in a gold bikini doesn't count as a date, silly. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-♪ The Daily Show theme music playing. -♪ -♪ The Daily Show theme music playing. -♪ Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one.

That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. That's a good one. Obi-Wan Kenobi himself putting his force behind co-star Moses Ingram Where is she? after social media users launched racist attacks against her after her debut in the Jedi Knights new series

She brings so much to the series, she brings so much to the franchise and it just sickened me to my stomach to hear that this had been happening We stand with Moses, we love Moses and if you're sending her bullying mes Star Wars fan in my mind. received hundreds of raci the series premiere. There can do to stop this hate.

that bothers me is that l that I've had inside of myself, which no one has told me, but this feeling of, like, I just got to shut up and take it. And I'm not built like that. Neither should you be. No one should have to just shut up and take racism. I agree with that. Especially in Star Wars. Guys, like, what is this?

What is this? You racist in Star... Like, from the very beginning, this has been a series where no one thinks twice if Harrison Ford is best friends with a giant dog bear. Or if a brother and sister want to smash, no one complains about that. They're not getting death threats. I am so tired of fans attacking black people in Star Wars

when there are so many other races and species they could be baggaged to picket it against. Think about it. You could hate everyone. Go on a rant about the creepy Twileks, you know, or the greedy Jawas. There are so many more opportunities for racism than just black people. Mix it up. Broaden your horizons.

You know, or as the Ewoks say, they better worry about the men's bowing, you know? You got to think bigger. It really is. Just... Get out there. And, you know, it's really great that Ewan McGregor made a video supporting his co-star, but I think Star Wars needs to come back

even harder at the racists. Really make them suffer. It should give Princess Leia a new black boyfriend. Yeah. That's right. It's gonna be a dope scene. He's gonna come back in and be like, Hey, yo, Leia, I got the plans for the Death Star. We gonna... tonight.

Star Wars, the sci-fi movie that made incest cool. For almost 50 years, James Earl Jones has been the voice behind Darth Vader, the most famous villain in movie history and most famous asthmatic. Ooh! But on Friday, Disney announced that the Force is gonna be moving on. James Earl Jones is reportedly retiring

from voicing Darth Vader, but Star Wars fans may not even notice. Vanity Fair says the 91-year-old actor has signed off on a plan to use artificial intelligence to craft new dialogue from his old voice recordings. You see? The little mermaid becomes black and they take away James Earl Jones! Ah! I told you that'd be backlash!

I told you! No, I'm joking. I'm joking, I'm joking. The legendary actor has retired from doing the voice, that's all that happened. And what's interesting to me is that you heard what they said, instead of trying to find someone else to voice the part, Disney has said they're gonna use artificial intelligence to replicate Darth Vader's voice.

Yeah, I don't know people, this makes me a little nervous. Yeah, we think AI is gonna take over the world and now we're gonna teach it to use the dark side of the force? No one thinks this is a bad idea. But I get it, I get it. I mean, that voice is iconic.

You know, it belongs in Darth Vader's body or announcing CNN promos, but that's it. And that's the last thing we need. The last thing we need is them opening the role up to like other famous people. Like they could, you know when they do that with roles and then it becomes weird, you know? Can you imagine Darth Vader being voiced by someone else?

Luke, I am your father. But until your mama shows me the paternity test, you can just call me Uncle Darth. And for our main story tonight, I am your father. That's right, Luke, I am your daddy. And yes, that upsets me as much as it upsets you, Luke. A lot of people are saying I'm your father, Luke. They're saying they've never seen a better father.

And they're right. I love all my children. It's you, it's Ivanka, and that's it. Explore more shows from The Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount Podcasts.

Now here it is, your moment of the moment. May the fourth be with you. It is Star Wars Day and that means it is time, Jen, to get out those lightsabers. I'm Han Solo. May? Listen, we, oh, she even does the spin. Carly, you're not my mother. Do we, like, lightsaber each other?

I mean, I guess we could. Uh! Oh, yours is getting some hair. Get the hair! Ooh. That's a wookie, man. OK. Oh.

He's like, ah! Hmm. Ooh. Ooh. Blah.