The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Stephen Colbert

Episode Date: May 17, 2026

As The Late Show with Stephen Colbert approaches its final episode, take a look back at the celebrated correspondent and host of The Colbert Report's time at The Daily Show. From his very first report on gentle TV nostalgia, through his sendoff of Jon Stewart for Jon's (first) retirement, his run for President (or at least Presidential PAC money), teaming up with Steve Carell for "Even Stepvhen" and God for "This Week in God," he arrived the son of a simple turd farmer, and left a legend... -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I saw my friend on the other side of the street. I was heading to school with the kids. I let go of mom's hand to wave. I had already forgotten their lunches. I ran over to hug her. She came out of nowhere. And then... It stopped.

Sometimes the moments that never happen matter most. Volvo's automatic emergency braking helps ensure a safe ending for everyone. Learn more at VolvoCars.a. slash safety. knows a thing or two about great combinations. Chocolate and peanut butter, obviously, but there's more than one way to Reese's. From indulgent Reese's big cups with caramel to crunchy Reese's pieces and Reese's miniatures,

there's a delicious Reese's for every mood. It's the same combo you love, just with more ways to enjoy it. So, whether you're snacking, sharing, or just treating yourself, nothing else is Reese's. You're listening to Comedy Central. Tonight's investigative report,

Stephen Colbert, the newest member of the Daily Show, takes a walk on the mild side. The 90s have seen an explosion in the telecommunications industry, and with the promised 500 channels, you'd think there'd be room for everyone, a cable teat for every viewer piglet. But with the media sows battling for the financial slop, some little piggies have none. So when nostalgia TV had trouble finding a home on America's cable systems, an aggravated gang of devoted viewers banded together to keep the show's they love on the air. When you found out that

nostalgia TV might be pulled up in a word, how did that make you feel? Not good. Not like that. That's two words. Just in one word, not good. Gavin McLeod, a reaction. What's your favorite TV show on nostalgia TV? On nostalgia TV it would be Matlock. For the record, Matlock has never appeared on the network, but you get the idea. It's that kind of cutting-edge programming that compels citizens to unleash their fury. Are you aware there's a show on nostalgia channel called Quilt in a Day? I have my borders added and I already...

So they're talking about getting up at midnight, quilting nonstop with a catheter or something until midnight the next day. Yeah, I couldn't do that. Is that something we want to be nostalgic for? It might seem these little old ladies would stand no chance against the media behemoths. But these aren't any lady. little old ladies. These are the biker grannies. Raise hands, how many people read Zen

in the art of motorcycle maintenance. Oh, wow. And you're satisfied that you've exhausted all peaceful means of resolving this. Absolutely. So they hopped on their hogs for the grandmother of all protests. Tinder box, and these women are flames.

Heaven help us if there's gunpowder. Are there bullets in your gun? bullets of my gun. Were you told to have them today? Have bullets in your gun? That's it, Kevin. Do you watch nostalgia TV? No. Oh my god, somebody stopped this. We're only getting back. Our grannies are not. City is now just another notch on whatever it is old women who ride motorcycles might use to measure things. For the Daily Show, I'm Stephen Colbert. Media punditry, the very words mean almost nothing. With that in mind, two of our senior news, Let's square off on the issues we deem important.

Once again, even Stephen with Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell. Do you think that you're an idiot? You're a total freak. Good evening. I'm Stephen Colbert. And I'm Stephen Carell. In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging our country. Hurricanes on the coast, tornadoes in the Midwest, and flooding everywhere in between. Billions of dollars of damage paid for by you, the taxpayer.

Tonight's topic, weather. Good or bad? Bad. Good. Bad. Every time a Floyd or a Gert lifts their skirt and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels obliged to crawl underneath the plate-class coffee table and throw $20 bills around. Well, I say show's over, folks. It's time to pull the plug on weather. Baldur Dash. The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business. Today, they're controlling the weather, and tomorrow, who knows?

Federal income tax. I bet you and your friends Stalin would like that. You, sir, are an idiot. And I'll tell you why. It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to get off their keysters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes and tornadoes forever. Or maybe you just hate children. No, I hate you.

If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlawed. Outlaws will have tornadoes. I'm curious, Steve. What's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly, clearly, we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather. All right, all right. You, sir, are a racist.

Damn right. And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then Johnny would know how to read. Well, thank you very much, Stephen. You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. If people can't get tornadoes here,

then they're just going to go down to Mexico where there's no regulation at all. I say keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes kill people. No. No. No, Stephen. Tornadoes don't kill people. Flying debris kills people.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Stop. Be dogs and ice cream. I'm Stephen, and I'm Stephen. And this was Even Steven. With more on the northern snakehead, we take you out live to Stephen Colbert, who joins us now, our animal control expert.

Stephen, has there been any progress in finding a solution to the environmental devastation being caused by these Chinese snakeheads? John, officials here are really grasping at straws. They're talking about administering electrical shocks to the water. they're toying with the idea of poisoning the waterways to flush the snakehead out. But they'll probably just kick those proposals back to some subcommittee that'll issue a report, and by next Friday, snakeheads will be swimming into your toilet bowl and snapping at your produce. So in your mind, you're not hopeful about these government efforts.

John, all I know is that the fat cats at the Maryland Department of Natural Resources are up to their swanky penthouse suites counting their money and doing the Charleston, while real frogs and real trout down here with real families are really suffering. Sorry, John. I just get so emotional when I talk about trout. But these government agencies, they know what they're doing. They face this kind of environmental issue. John, listen, I may not have a detailed environmental impact report or a fancy degree or knowledge, but I do have something those bureaucrats don't.

horse sense. That's why I've taken the liberty of solving the problem myself, free of charge, no questions asked. Well, that's wonderful. How did you do that, Steve? Well, the snake had doesn't have any natural predators in the ponds and streams. It's at the top of the food chain. Not anymore. Thanks to the piranhas. I'm sorry, piranhas? Yes, John. I've just dropped a few from my personal collection in the pond to rid these waterways of the snakehead once and for all. No need to thank me. But you know, that may not do it because, as you know, the snakehead can crawl up onto the land.

That's the problem with them. They can survive outside of that pond and infest new waterways. The piranhas may not get to them all. Well, John, that's where the scorpions come in. I've covered the entire area here in Tunisian blackback widomakers. Thousands of them, probably too many, but I got them on the cheap. Anyway, it's a full snakehead containment zone with scorpions surrounding the pond all the way over to the playground by the elementary school.

I don't mean to be a naysayer, Stephen. How are you going to contain the scorpions? Owls. A few well-placed spotted and great horned owls could easily handle the scorpions. What about the... African condors, John. Now, I know they're not indigenous to the reason, but just a couple of African condors will hunt down and kill the fiercely breeding swarms of owls once they've taken care of the scorpions,

who've done in the snakeheads, the ones who weren't killed by the piranhas. It's a circle of life, John. It's a beautiful thing to behold. Stephen, this is kind of the whole problem, though, with this kind of environmental management. Aren't you worried that introducing these new species to an area might have some dire consequences? No. Not when I'm standing next to a couple of canisters of napalm, John. We have any problems? We'll turn this area into the surface of the moon. Thank you very much, Stephen. You keep on the case. It's my distinct honor to welcome our senior political.

Mr. Stephen Colbert to the show. It's nice to see you, Stephen. Tonight marks the first installment of my award-winning series of interviews where I get inside the minds of newsmakers who will talk to me. Tonight, Reverend Al Sharpton on Stephen Colbert's interviews I could get.

Reverend Sharpton, first of all, thank you for agreeing to meet me here in Harlem. Thank you. You seem to be running to give a voice to the voiceless, the disenfranchised. Isn't that a tactical campaign mistake? It seems like the voiced and the franchise have a lot more money.

I know that money alone cannot win an election. How much money is in your war chest? I don't know. The figure is not a lot. How much is the chest itself worth? Is the chest? What do you mean about it? Well, sometimes the chest can be worth more than what's in it. For instance, I have some beautiful leather luggage,

but basically inside it's just t-shirts. It's ironic. In street lingo, are you running to stick it to the man? I don't know what street you got that language. The urban street. The mean streets. I'm sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them. But I'm not trying to stick it to anyone.

Not even The Man? Who's the man? Let's pretend for a moment that I'm the man. Now stick it to me. I'm not sticking it to anyone. Not even the man. He's very stickable. I don't get thrilled by sticking it to you.

I get thrilled by stopping you sticking it to me. Pretend that I'm you, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and you're me, Stephen Colbert. Tell me why me you should vote for you, me. You're Reverend Al Sharper. I'm the Reverend Al Sharpton. and you're Stephen Colbert. Tell me.

Tell me you why you may should vote for me, you. Because you, me, are the best candidate, and you ought to know that. You're going to have to back that up, because right now you aren't persuading you. You should stop listening to the pundits. You should just be Al Sharpton and prepare for your inauguration.

That sounds like something I would say. I know. That's why I was you. You do have some foreign policy experience. Tell me what happened in Vyakas. I was arrested. and sentenced 90 days in jail for protests and Navy bombings in Viacos. Okay, dook.

And I decided that I would fast when I was in jail. The first 40 days, I didn't eat a particular anything but liquids. You were pretty spelt by the end of that hunger strike, but if you don't mind me saying so, it looks like you could use to take another principled stance. I appreciate your advice. Reverend, look, this is Thursday afternoon before the debate, but I'm not going to be able to make it to the debate tonight,

So let's just do our post-debat analysis now, okay? How do you think Wesley Clark did? Well, I think he did all right. I think that... Weren't you shocked when Dennis Kucinich called you that terrible word? Well... It's all right when black people call each other that, but I was shocked. I don't think that Dennis meant what he said.

It's a hard slip of the tongue to believe. I don't hold it against Dennis. What was your best moment? Walking on stage. So it was a home run for you? on to the next debate. Thank you. Thank you so much for your time.

Thank you. Good luck tonight. Come back to Harlem anytime. Obviously, it was an extremely nice night here for everyone at The Daily Show, but unfortunately for us, we're at the Emmys, not just as participants, but also as journalists. Have you folks seen the program before? We were as journalists covering the event, and we're going to go live now to Stephen Colbert, who's actually still in Los Angeles outside the Shrine Auditorium.

Stephen, nice to see you, my friend. Tell us about the night. It was magical, John. Forget the Hubble telescope. If you wanted to see stars on Sunday night, the Shrine Auditorium was the place to be. All your favorite celebrities were on hand for a celebration of television excellence.

But the fun really began after the Emmys at the Governor's Ball, when the industry gathered to raise a glass to the winners. And that's when the fucking started. I'm sorry? The banging, John, the banging, the bumping uglies, the meat pile. Gounds and tuxedos tossed like Jetsam as their A-list owners in the full bloom of arousal don goatehead masks

and descended headlong into a world of sexual madness, a mindless hive of frenzied coitus, writhing bodies, flesh on fluid, a deep stank of human musk rising to the rafters like some forbidden incense offered to Eros, dark god of gratified desire. All in all, a magical night. Stephen, I was there. That did not happen.

Left too early, John. It all started right after the lobster salad course. You know, it's funny. I used to criticize Los Angeles, that it was superficial, that it was a town where you were only as good as your last project, but that's when I was on. That's when I was on the outside. Now, uh, now I see how wrong I was.

Do you know this thing is redeemable for one supermodel? Or two regular-sized models? Which reminds me, I'm going to be out here a couple more weeks. I got some meetings to take. Stephen, you can't stay out there. We've got the Democratic debate on Thursday, the California recall elections a week from Tuesday. We have a lot of work to do.

Yeah, look, don't get me wrong. I love the people at The Daily Show. They're great, some of them. But the show is clearly peaked, so I'm going to jump off now and pull the rip cord while I'm still high enough for my parachute to fully deploy. I won't be out here long, just long enough to take the first show that pays me more money and or features me more prominently. I think they like the fucking story better. I don't blame them, John. I don't blame them.

Everybody loves the monkey butter. It's a Hollywood term. I understand. It's gonna take me in a while to wash that one out of the brain, but thank you. Listen, back here, we wish you all the luck out there, Stephen. Who needs luck, John? This is Hollywood.

What could possibly go wrong? I gotta go, I'm having my chin done. All right. John? Thank you very much, Stephen Colbert in Los Angeles. With more on this very unusual situation, we turn to Daily Show senior correspondent Stephen Colbert. He joins us now live from London.

Stephen, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Aloha, John. Stephen, this has become a huge story overnight, but no one seems to know what these allegations are about. Have you been able to learn any of the specifics? Yes, I have, John. What are they?

Fred, I can't tell you that. You see, I'm in jolly old England, as you can tell by Big Ben behind me. Sorry, the Houses of Parliament. And slander laws here prevent me from saying anything. Believe me, I wish I could. This is a story I could really, wrap my hands around.

I mean, I'd love to grab this story by the hilt and work this story long and hard, maybe teasing you with a few details, make you beg for the story until it builds to a huge climax and explodes all over the front pages. Woo! That would be great. But the press must be discreet, John.

Stephen, the press is just playing a chord. just playing a coy game. The very language of your metaphor implies a much more salacious story than the truth could ever be. Why don't you just come out and say there's an allegation that Prince had a gay experience? Your words not mine, John. But I tell you this much. If it was substantiated, just imagine what that would do to the monarchy. What would that do to the monarchy? Probably nothing. The royal family is pretty much just a tourist trap at this point. Nevertheless, it is a great story. It's the type of story the reporter waits his entire career not to be able to report on. Now, if excuse me, I've been invited to a grouse

hunting party in Shropshire. It's just a few dozen men, some stable boys. All of us in kilts, naturally, drinking a few yards of ale. And here's the fun part, John. Whoever shoots the fewest grouse has to go through the fewest grouse has to go through the fewest. through the spanking machine. Stephen, I have to tell you that story, or what I heard of it, all sounds pretty gay. Not gay, John, aristocratic. It's a different culture than ours.

And what's different about it? Mainly how gay it is. John. It's something all of our lives are touched by for an update on who touched you and where. We turn to our own Stephen Colbert and This Week in God. Welcome to This Week in God. First off, a correction.

Last week, I reported the rapture was coming sometime Thursday afternoon. Well, it turns out I was wrong, and we got some pretty angry emails on Friday. My apologies to anyone who quit their jobs and or stopped watering their plants. The rapture will in fact occur next Thursday. That should take care of that.

So let's bring up the God machine. Smack it! Beep-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-pbo-po-pbo. For years, Islamic extremists have issued fatwas to demonize their targets. But last week, moderate American Islamic leaders issued a fatwa of their own. Islam strictly condemns religious extremism and the use of violence against innocent lives. There is no justification in Islam for extremism or terrorism. Wow.

A fatwa on other fatwas. A fatwa squared, a metafatwa, if you will. You know, that's really one for the fatwa fans. The anti-violence fatwa will be brought to the American public by way of public service announcements like this one. As Muslims, we want to state clearly that those who commit acts of terror in the name of Islam are betraying the teachings of the Quran and the Prophet Muhammad. Powerful.

Let's just hope the terrorists are up at first. 3 a.m. watching the Pax Network. Bless this mess! Beep-a-pe-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-po-bobo. Rustafarianism. Last week, 60 Rastafari from around the world gathered in Guyana to press for global tolerance of their religious views.

Among their demands, a call for widespread legalization of marijuana, which they consider a sacrament. But wait a second. Marijuana is a sacrament, and you could only get 60 people to show up? Where are you getting your stuff? Listen, I know a guy. Talk to me later when God's not watching. Now, many people are unaware

Rastafarianism is a religious movement. A few facts. It emerged in Jamaica in the 1930s. Its followers worshiped the late Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie as their god. Its symbol is the line of Judah. And that white guy in your dorm with the dreadlocks isn't one. He's just in it.

for the sacraments. Now it's time for this week's blasphemy? When I, Stephen Colbert, mock a deity to find out whether he, she, or it is really all that. This week, I'm saying a big screw you to the ancient Aztec god, Ketsukwado. All right. Hey, Ketsuqadl, nice feathers.

Did they have a men's department where you got those? And what's with the mouth? Did you descend into the nether world and outwit Miklan Takutli, Lord of the Dead, to collect bones and sprinkle them with your own blood to create humankind? With that mouth? Show me what you got. You have five seconds to strike me down. Ketakwal, plumed serpent god of the Aztecs, you are a pussy. What is the sound of one hand smacking? Boop, boop, boop, boop. The power of prayer.

Update. Back in 2003, televangelist Pat Robertson launched his Supreme Court prayer offensive, asking viewers to pray for vacancies in the court. So, how's it going? Two years ago, I felt an urgent need for America to pray for a dramatic change in the U.S. Supreme Court. Now we're witnessing God's answer to our prayers.

It took two years. years for God to answer Pat Robertson's prayer? What's God been doing? The planet's and everything. Anyway, now Justice O'Connor is out of the Supreme Court picture. So is Pat Robertson satisfied? Take control, Lord. We ask for additional vacancies on the court. Hmm. Being a Supreme Court justice is a lifetime appointment, so what could all this mean? for elderly liberal justice John Paul Stevens?

Ooh, rough prayer breakfast. Well, that about does it for this week and this week in God, but, you know, before we go, I'd like to wish all of our Jewish friends a happy Tishabab. Actually, Stephen, Stephen? Yes. I don't mean to interrupt. Tishabab is actually, it's a day of morning.

Really? Okay. Well, in that case, have a very mournful, Tishabar. A while back, we created a fictional program known as the Colbert Report. It was a vehicle where Stephen Colbert would basically, in a megalomaniacal way, bring his opinions to the fore of the issues of the day. It was very funny, quite a joke. Anyway, Comedy Central ended up buying the show. So now we are going to have to actually produce it. To give you just a tiny taste of what it is that you're in for,

please check out this lovely preview. Tired of news programs that only give you one side of the story or the other? Well, he'll give you neither. Tune in to the Colbert Report. It's French, bitch. The Colbert Report. Where I say whatever's on my mind. And a few things that aren't.

Look, no one I know has ever been killed by a landmine. How bad could it be? Chicago. Tired of statements backed up by research. Then take a spin in the no fact zone. You know, they ought to pay attention to the 8 million Democrats who deserted Gore and voted for Bush, try to get them back. You ought to start actively registering 9 million African-American voters.

Come on home to Colbert County. So what makes you think these voiceless Africans need you to speak for them? A's a bit arrogant. Ain't it giovna? The Colbert Report. Because right or wrong, I'm right. And you're wrong. We're going to check in on what's coming up on the new show,

The Colbert Report with our own Stephen Colbert. What can we expect tonight, Stephen? John, first of all, I've been watching the feed, and I've got to tell you, you look tired. Everything all right at home? Yeah, everything's fine at home, Stephen. Thanks for asking. You ready for tonight's show?

Very ready. Feel like I've been doing the show for years. Six years, in fact. I feel like the first two years are pretty good. Started out strong. Then I hit a bit of a lull. Had some substance abuse issues. Came back.

And for the last four years, Strong as an ox. Stephen, we're really excited about the show tonight. Me too, John. I really feel like I'm going to make a lot of money doing this. All right. We'll see in a little bit. Staying with the campaign theme, Al Gore's Nobel Prize win has once again ignited speculation about a possible presidential run.

But another well-quaffed southerner appears to be stealing his buzz. A lot of people see this book as me testing the waters for a presidential run. Are you saying here tonight? I am not saying anything, Larry. What are you asking me? It's just not a question I'm ready to answer right now. Are you thinking about running for the big one? For God?

Go down one more notch. One notch president. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Colbert. The audience has been, John. Stephen, uh... Oh, sorry, John. Hold on one second. Yeah, I'm sorry. What's that?

I see. That appears... Do you need some help with that? Now, that's a hay bale. Be back, John. It's great to be back. Back with the people. No, I don't know.

That's what people do, John. I'm an average Joe. No, listen. I know that. You never lost touch with your roots. It's great to see you, but I believe, if I heard correctly, you may have an announcement. Do I? Isn't that why you called me to come on today? Save the passive aggression for your next Lynn Cheney interview, John.

I thought that you had a... Just it's on the card. It's on the card. You can't just say it? That's not how it's done, John. Stephen, forgive me for prying. I know how you... the spotlight, but the people. Stephen.

Read it. The people cry out for a hero. I see. Go ahead. And the stage direction, too? Curiously, are you planning a run for president of the United States? Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm glad you asked, John. Because tonight, I, Stephen Colbert, I'm officially announcing that I have decided to officially consider whether or not I will announce that I am running for president of the United States. And I'm making an announcement of that decision very soon. Preferably on a more prestigious show. Wait, Stephen, that's, that's, he's right. I give props when you're right. Basically, though, the announcement tonight is you have decided

whether or not to announce that I, Stephen Colbert, am running for president in South Carolina. Say the last part again. In South Carolina, John. The greatest state in America. Go Gamecocks and or Clemson Tigers. You're just going to run in South Carolina.

What about the rest of the country? Hold on Mount Rush Me. I didn't even say, I'm running yet. I mean, should I? This is, this is, let me just say, not to be devil's advocate, what, what qualifies you? I know, John, I know.

Who would have thought that the son of a poor Appalachian turd minor? The grandson of a goat ball liquor. Born in the town of could be president. One day, could be president of the United States. Only in America, John. What's the next step, Stephen? Well, obviously, it's a big decision, John.

It's something I have to think through over the kitchen table. With your wife and kids? Sure, they could come, too. But, you know, shh, daddy's thinking. Well, good luck with that decision. Thank you, John. One more thing. Do you have any cash?

Because I am wearing my show suit, and I don't carry a wallet, and I have to pay Sam. We still have the petty cash drawer. It's up in my office, so you can just run up there. That's great to see it. Thank you, John. Stephen Colbert, everybody.

We'll be right back. We had a little fun in the first act, but the second act is where it really gets going. It's not often that we get the chance to delve into the minutia of a fiscal year budget resolution. But tonight, that is exactly what we're doing for the next 10 minutes. What are you doing here? John, I have some terrible news.

You'd better sit down. Stephen, I'm sitting down. There's hardly ever time where I'm really not sitting down on the show. Well, John, is there any way you could sit more? John, this is going to come as something as a shock to you. You're ending your show. John, please. I'm... I'm ending my show.

I have to, John. Don't beg me to stay. You see, there is no mountain left for me to climb. It's become clear to me that I've won television. John, at this point, I'm just running up the score. Well, it's obviously... It's not really a contest. Not anymore, John. Yeah.

Because you see, John, almost nine years ago, I promised to change the world, and together, I did it. So, uh... So I don't know, John, I'm a free man now. I'm not sure what a... I'll go wherever the wind takes me, John. Maybe ride the rails. Live boxcar to box car.

Learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken. Sure, I know it doesn't sound like much, John, but it's a king's feast to me and my companion's biscuit. The... The wily mouse lives in my wee pocket. and Annabelle, the one-eyed prostitute, to, has a heart of gold.

And don't you dare call her a whore, John. I would not. I wasn't saying anything. Stephen, why don't you, you have a gift? Why don't you stay in television? I heard this, uh, uh, David Letterman is retiring. Yeah, I heard that too, John, but they already gave the part to some fat guy.

John, timing. She's a cruel mistress. She is. But don't say fat, pear-shaped. That's all. It's not... Don't be kind to him, John. I've seen the photos.

No. Yes. They're called birthing hips. They're fine. Stephen, uh, well, thanks for coming by. I wish you and Biscuit, is it? It was Biscuit, John. In me wee pocket.

Is your wee pocket? I wish, I wish you both and the one-eyed woman. I wish you all the best of luck. Hold back the tears, John. Okay. You'll be fine. Well, thanks. Thanks for coming.

You know, John, now that you mention it, There is something I would appreciate as a parting gift. Sure. You know how when somebody leaves the Daily Show, you guys put together a little highlight reel? Sure, we just did that for young John Oliver. Yeah, I saw that. But, John, you never did one for me.

You, uh, you never left. You went to 1130. You're right around the corner. You're right, John. It probably wasn't that important to me. We'll put something together, Stephen. We'll put something together. We'll do some of your best moments.

Don't trouble yourself, John. I already did. Chuck, steamy in here right now. You could put some flour and some yeast down my pants and pull out a parmesan baguette. My father was a poor Virginia turd miner. These are the goatees of freedom. Facts become irrelevant. Truth becomes fiction.

Knowledge becomes ignorance. Night becomes day. Chaos reigns. Taxi! For lo! I win! My father's father was a goat ball liquor. To run my fingers through your raven hair,

to touch your milk white. skin. Wow, John, I'm really gonna miss me. And we are too, my friend. Godspeed. Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, uh, uh, this is amazing. That's it. That's all I have. My thanks to everybody over all these years, when you look at the talent that's passed through these doors,

it had been hard to screw this show up. I just want to thank everybody who lent their talents to this program. It meant the world. It's John. Just a moment. Aren't you? You, aren't you forgetting someone, John? You can't possibly leave without saying goodbye to your Sam.

Who's Sam? I am, John. What am I, Diane? What is this? Cheers? Well, I understand. No, John, don't you see? You're Frodo. Wait, you're Sam, I'm Frodo. How am I Frodo? Why aren't you Frodo? John, one of us is adult size and does not have hairy toes. And John... Oh, point taken.

John, like Frodo, you were leaving us on a voyage. to the undying lands. I'm just going to New Jersey, Stephen. For 16 years, you and your basic cable fellowship of funny clutch that ring of power and trudged up the steep slopes of Mount Doom. We didn't trudge so much.

It's just, what's the ring in this metaphor? The ring of power in this metaphor is a metaphor for power. A power to be a player in the world of media and Washington politics. Yeah, but I don't really want that. So it's not that... John.

You know who else didn't want that? Frodo. Your words, John. Frodo thought surely Saruman would know they meant to destroy the ring, but I don't have to tell you what Gandalf said about that. You're just going to tell me, though, aren't you? He said, and I'm paraphrasing here, even though I could do it verbatim if I wanted. He said, my fellow Americans,

hmm? It has not entered into souring. darkest dreams that we would seek to destroy rather than wield this hideous power. And in Gandalf's metaphor here, power also stood for power. I just want to say that I am so touched that everybody could be here tonight and...

Me too, John. Is there a party or anything? Because I brought a lot of people from CBS and I told them that I know you. Yes. There is a party and you can go to it. Stephen Colbert, everybody. We'll be right there. Actually, no, please sit down.

Actually, John, we're not quite done. Just a moment, John. No, you can't stop anyone because they don't work for you anymore. Huge mistake, John. It'll be quick if you just hold still. John, I've been asked and have the privilege to say something to you that is not in the prompter right now. Please don't do this.

Here's the thing, John, you said to me and to many other people here years ago, never to thank you because we owe you nothing. It is one of the few times I've known you to be dead wrong. We owe you, and not just what you did for our career, by employing us to come on this tremendous show that you made. We owe you because we learned from you. We learned from you, by example, how to do a show with intention, how to work with clarity, how to treat people with respect.

You are infuriatingly good at your job, okay, who were lucky enough to work with you, and you can edit this out later. All of us who were lucky enough to work with you for 16 years are better at our jobs because we got to watch you do yours. And we are better people for having known you. You are a great artist and a good man. And personally, I do not know how this son of a poor Appalachian turd miner, I do not know.

I do not know what I would do if you hadn't brought me on this show. I'd be back in those hills mining turds with Pappy. John, you know by now I'd have, I'd have Dung Lung. Okay? Okay, so John, and it's almost over. All right. I know you are not asking for this, but on behalf of so many people

whose lives you changed over the past 16 years, thank you. And now, I believe your line, and correct me if I'm wrong, is we'll be right back. We'll be right back. Last week, as you may have heard, CBS, which happens to have the same parent company

as the network this program currently airs on, unceremoniously canceled the late show with Stephen Colbert. And, yes, in this case, in this case, I'll allow it. Obviously, I am certainly not the most objective to comment on this matter. Many of you may or may not know, Stephen and I worked together on this very program,

together from 1999 through 2005. Haven't changed a bit. And then Stephen began our sister program, The Colbert Report, also on Comedy Central, a show which in my mind. A show which in my mind remains to this day, one of the most astounding accomplishments in satirical television, rendering a fictional character in real time four nights a week for 10 years.

So seamlessly, many viewers believed him to be the boorish, high-status idiot he was portraying. They were heady times, my friends. We were two pretty good-sized fish in a reasonably small, basic cable pond. Both of our shows reached an inflection point in 2015. Stephen chose to challenge himself by seeing if he could succeed the legendary David Letterman and quite frankly a much bigger pond than the one he and I had been swimming in. And I quit. I quit. Challenged himself. I passed away.

Even challenged his abilities in the biggest field you could. And I literally went to a farm upstate. If I may, watching Stephen exceed all expectations in the world. and become the number one late night show on network television has been an undeniable great pleasure for me as a viewer and as his friend. And now Stephen has been canceled for purely financial reasons. Not just Stephen's show, CBS has canceled the entirety of the late show franchise. Gone.

Now I acknowledge, losing money. Late night TV is a struggling financial. financial model. We're all basically operating a blockbuster kiosk inside of a tower records. Industry is faced with changes. You don't just call it a day. When CDs stopped selling, they didn't just go, oh well, music, it's been a good run. The fact that CBS didn't try to save their number one rated network late night franchise that's been on the air for over three decades is part of what's making everybody wonder, was this purely financial? Or maybe the path of least resistance for your $8 billion merger? Was killing a show that you know rankled a fragile

and vengeful president so insecure, suffering terribly from a case of chronic penis insufficiency? truly, it's a vicious disease. I believe CBS lost the benefit of the doubt two weeks prior when they sold out their flagship news program to pay an extortion fee to said president. At that time, poor Andy Rooney must have been rolling over in his bed. That's right.

He's alive. Andy Rooney is alive. I probably buried the lead on this entire bit. Andy Rooney is alive. And he's just turning over in bed. You know what he's probably doing? Biding his time. For when the network calls him and says,

is anything else bothering you, Andy? Yeah, the thing is. Ask your parents. He was on 60 Minutes. Look, I understand the corporate fear. I understand the fear that you and your advertisers have with $8 billion at stake. But understand this.

Truly. The shows that you know, now seek to cancel, censor in control? A not insignificant portion of that $8 billion value came from those fucking shows. That money, that say something, shows that take a stand, shows that are unafraid, and not to believe me, this is not a, we speak truth to power.

We don't. We speak opinions to television cameras. But we try, we fucking try every night. And if you believe, as corporations or as networks, you can make yourselves so innocuous that you can serve a gruel so flavorless that you will never again be on the Boy King's radar? A, why will anyone watch you and you are fucking wrong? You want to know how impossible it is to stay on Lord Farquod's good side? President Trump says he will sue the Wall Street Journal and its owner,

Murdoch who also owns Fox News. Donald Trump is suing Rupert Murdoch. The owner of Fox News, the man other than Biden, may be most responsible for getting Trump elected. Fox! Yeah, I, yeah, I fucking snuck that in. Fox spends 24 hours a day blowing Trump, and it's not enough. imagine suing someone

mid-blow would you finish up down there and I'll see you in court the point if you're trying to figure out why Stephen's show is ending

I don't think the answer can be found in some smoking gun email or phone call from Trump to CBS executives or in CBS's quick book spreadsheets on the financial health of late night

I think the answer is in the fear and pre-compliance that is gripping all of America's institutions at this very moment. Institutions that have chosen not to fight the vengeful and vindictive actions of our pubic hair doodling commander-in-chief.

This is not the moment to give in, I think. So to those institutions, to those corporations and advertisers and universities and law firms, all of them, if you still think that bending the knee to Trump will save you, I have one thing to say. I know you're scared. I know you're weary. Oh, that is a true point. Obviously, the blood pressure, et cetera.

But compliance and complacency is not the anybody, and we are firm to continue. Tens. Catching. You protect your bottom. Or more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on This has been a Comedy Central podcast. That is all for our show tonight. Join us again tomorrow at our regularly scheduled non-live taping. I might even shave and shower. Right now we're going to go to Stephen Colbert over at the Colbert Report. Stephen, what is your take on what's happened in the election?

Don't tell me anything, John. No spoilers, please. No, haven't you been watching the news? No, no, not at all. I can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. I enter every show like a newborn baby. Clean slate, no preconceptions. Semi-blind and covered in placenta and goo.

Crying uncontrollably, waiting to be spanked by life. What are you wearing when this is happening? A diaper? I don't understand. Well, I don't understand you either. Well, thank you for that visual, Stephen. Have yourself a wonderful election night. It's election night. Why did you tell me?

I said no spoilers. This is the Colbert Report. Is that a spoiler alert? Can I tell you who is? The vampire. Oh. Vampire v. Werewolf. Vampire.

Well, I am on Team Edward. Excellent. Once again, it's the Colbert Report. We'll see you next time. I love you. Love you, baby.