The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine: Tax Day

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

The Daily Show's top Tax Day coverage over the years including Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Ronny Chieng on America's most annoying holiday. From 2014, Jon Stewart covers the IRS having difficulty finding the proper documentation that it needs to end the government's scrutiny of the organization. And looking back to 2001, Mr. Money, Stephen Colbert, hates paying taxes and shows how to lie on a tax form. Plus, Ronny Chieng's 2023 look at the bizarre and uniquely complicated way America handles the process of filing taxes.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire, the official official survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get your podcast. Prime one day delivery is fast. How fast we're talking swim goggles and flip flops, delivered fast. Swim goggles and flip flops, delivered fast.

Before you leave Hawaii tomorrow, fast. Just not as fast as prime one day delivery on 20 million items. It's on prime. You're listening to Comedy Central. favorite government agency. But that all changed after the IRS admitted last year to certain improprieties. Tea Party and other conservative groups that rose to power early in the president's first term were unfairly targeted for special scrutiny by the IRS. By the way, whatever you think of the tea party movement, I think we can all agree that the only government agency that

should be singling it out for special scrutiny is the fashion police. I mean, pantaloons, come on. Come on, pantaloons? That is so Benjamin Frumpland. Well anyway, since then, it has been established that the IRS also targeted liberal 501C4s, but not with the same level of scrutiny that they applied to the conservatives. So that's something. Now, I know the right wants that something to be that President Obama ordered the IRS to target them while he sat in a dark room smoking a cigar stroke and a cat whilst an orphan boy

stands outside in the rain looking through the window saying, why? Why, Mr. President, why? But as it turns out, there's been no real evidence found that the White House is involved and the cat turned out to be a dog and the orphan actually has parents and was putting on a British accident. But the point is this. These IRS troubles do not appear to be that, but they are something. And the IRS is clearly doing their best to continue to give off scandal stink like some kind of scared scandal skunk. When we last left the IRS, their official, Lois Lerner had taken the fifth rather than testify in front of Congress. So Congress asked the IRS if they would be so kind as to click the forward button on all of Lois

Ler' emails. What happened with that? They say the IRS has been promising to get them these emails for a year and now suddenly says that Lois Learners' computer crashed way back in 2011 and that many of those emails are just gone. Well, that's irritating computers do crash. Emails are lost, but typicallyically finding that out, that information takes less time than it takes to gestate a manate. A year?

Come on! Well, first, Congress had to fill out form, a sub-easy. That is an email requisition form for our records. Then we throw that form into a room filled with chimps. Then what we did is we trained the chimps to read. So things were looking good. That's when, unfortunately, the chimps unionized. So that, that was a whole things were looking good. That's when, unfortunately, the chimps unionized. So, that was a whole thing.

But finally we negotiated a contract. Finally, we delivered a contract that chimps didn't throw the feces at. The point is, email requisitions are now done through a different form, so if you could reapply, etc. etc. So it is in this environment that the new IRS commissioner, John, really you like that? The new IRS commissioner, John Koskinen, Koskinen, I'll go with, he comes before Congress to testify. I wonder if they're going to be dicks to him. Please rise to take the oath.

And raise your right hand. A little higher. Now, uh... Wow, that was easy. Now, uh, turn around and wiggle. Seriously, though. Well, we all might want to do that to the head of the IRS. What does raising your hand higher have to do with telling the truth that got,

I can lie. I can lie. Hold on. I can lie. I can lie. I can no longer lie. I can no longer lie. For my hand is too close to God. That's him scratching God's beard. Hello! Hello! But all right, enough cathartic public shaming. Where are the damn emails? The actual hard drive after it was determined that it was dysfunctional and that with

experts no emails could be retrieved was recycled and destroyed in the normal process. So was it physically destroyed? That's my understanding. So was it melted down? I have no idea what the recycler does with it. For all I know, Lois Lerner's hard drive was ground into a fine dust, sprinkled like Parmesan onto a lasagna that was served to those in this very chamber. So I say to you, Congress, if you want to see all of Lois Learners' emails, you must look inside yourselves.

Or, or you could wait. By the way, that is a killer that guy impression that I will use for the rest of my career. So up until now, the whole thing's annoying, but not quite galling. Here's where it gets somewhat galling. The IRS has historically only preserved backup takes for six months. All right. The government agency, whose entire business model, relies on forcing Americans to live as

borderline hoarders only keeps their shit for six months. No. So that's unacceptable. You know, you never get a notice from the IRS saying, please bring your records down to us if you can find them. I mean, this is like if the EPA was dumping its office trash in the National Zoo's spotted owl exhibit, meaning it would be ironic. But even if the IRS deleted the tapes, why can't they just get the emails from her inbox? Spoiler alert, it's stupid and preventable.

Each IRS employee's email box back then only held 150 megabytes of information, also known as five pictures of your family. Or one picture of Anthony Weiner's. Boom! Boom. Boom! Boom! Oh, wow! Oh, wow! F.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He has a somewhat large penis. 1% of what Gmail offers you for free.

And that comes with a Google Plus account for you to not use. The federal government has built an entire complex in the deserts of Utah to store everything Americans have ever said to each other. But intergovernment conversations? Phrmph. I don't know, buy a fucking thumb drive. If there is a larger scandal here, it's that our government's handling of information across all platforms borders on criminal idiocy. The IRS is frying hard drives, the VA's drowning in paper. Is there any record-keeping medium that the government could use that could work for the micro-fiche?

We'll do it. Stone tablets will do it. We could take a page out of the ancient Greeks, weave all of our important information into an epic poem and recite entirely from memory, passed down over generations as part of a federal archival oral tradition from barred to apprentice, but you'd probably lose that f-pag page. Unless, wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You're tired of governing us, aren't you? And so you're kind of acting like assholes, so we break up with you.

Well, look, I know we're not perfect as constituents, and we've been in this relationship for... 200 years, probably take you a little bit for granted. We want everything and don't want to pay for anything. Every year on your birthday we throw a huge party and pretend it's for you, but it's really just a chance for us to get fucked up and stare at the sky between 9 p.m. and 9pm and 9. Look, the point is this, government, no matter what you get right, we're still going to find that one thing you got wrong and sign a petition about it. That doesn't mean we don't need you, baby. I want you to remember this. Just because we are totally unreasonable, doesn't mean you

have to be totally incompetent. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're gonna be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the email, so to show us how to fill out your very own tax form, I'm joined by our own Mr. Money, Stephen Colbert.

Stephen, thank you for joining us during tax cuts. Thank you, John. No, thank you. Like most Americans, I hate paying taxes, but I love my roads, my garbage pickup, and my federal prison system. Public education, not so much, I homeschool. So you gotta pay your taxes, but, oh, oh, they can be a little intimidating. I'm here to help. First thing you do is you gotta get yourself a whole lot, a well-sharpened number two pencils. Get those ready. And this may take a while and you might get thirsty, so I recommend a nuts brand hazelnut soda. I actually enjoy the pistachio. Nuts. Nuts. Nuts. Now, question number one, name and address.

I like to put a joke name down. Like, um, Ivana hump ya, or IP freely or Phil McCracken. The IRS guys just love it. It brightens up their day and it gets them on your side. Okay? Age, I put down 17, okay? That makes me a minor. Can't be tried as an adult, okay? Use that noodle. Now, dependents, this lowers your taxes, so I put down six wives and 21 children. So you're a 17-year-old with 21 children. Oh, not me, John. I pee freely. Okay.

Income, I put down $5 million. That shows them I'm a heavyweight, and they know not to screw with me. Okay, then at the bottom here, where it says sign here, I don't. Okay? That's just going to come back and bite you in the ass. There, tax is done. Wait, no, that's... That's interesting, but... Perhaps there might be some viewers out there who don't want to lie on their tax returns.

Do you have any tips for those viewers? Oh, Smoky Doke. All right. What you're going to want to do is get one of the resource books, okay? And then you want to go under Section A and look under subsection countenance, okay? Find a name, follow the dotted line to the corresponding seven-digit numerical code, and then you enter that code into your tax communicator. Okay? Voila. Tax is done. So wait, you just call an accountant.

It's a lot more to it than that, John. You see, you need to make sure that the person that helps you doesn't believe that Jesus was the only son of God, that Mohammed was a prophet, that Buddha was enlightened, or that Vishnu sustains the universe. So you mean just hire a Jewish accountant? Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I'd call that a bit of an ethnic stereotype, wouldn't you? I mean, are you are you just just just just just just just just just you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, that you, that you, that you, that you, that you, that you, that you, that you just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that Jesus, that, that! I'd call that a bit of an ethnic stereotype, wouldn't you? I mean, you're just saying that Jews are good with money. Okay, but if you say so, folks, John says,

Go find yourself a Jew. That, that sounds so, that sounds so ugly, you know? I just don't get you, man. I've got this, God, this ugly taste in my mouth now. No. Nuts. Thank you, Stephen. Cobar, everyone.

We'll be right back. to you. Nuts. Thank you, Stephen Colbert, everyone. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches.

I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast. I love America. It's the only country where you can get a burger and a liposuction at the same drive-through. But as someone who's also lived all around the world, I feel a responsibility to let America know that a lot of the things it does are super weird to the rest of us. And one of those things is how America does money. It's tax season, which right off the bat is a sign that something is wrong. Because taxes shouldn't have a whole season. Seasons are supposed to be for exciting stuff, like baseball season, or wedding season,

or season two of Bridgeton. I can't wait to see which British person is jizzing on who this time. But America decided that filing taxes should be as quick and painless as getting a root canal at the DMB. I mean, you got your 1099s, you got your form 1040s, you got your Schedule Cs, you got your R2D2s, you got your Blink 182s. You spend days trying to figure out what you owe the government, and then the government tells you if you're right because apparently they knew the whole freaking time. It's like the world's most pointless game show.

Aside from the price is right, because nobody should get a new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new new. the price is right, obviously, because nobody should get a new car for knowing how much catch-up costs. Look, I hate to break it to you guys, but in a lot of other countries, the government does all that filing for you. Yeah, they do the math, they send you a statement, and if it looks good, you click okay, and then you're done. It's so easy a baby could do it. But they don't have to because they're lazy freeloaders who don't pay taxes. It's not just your income taxes. All taxes in America are weird. In a lot of other countries you see a price on something and

that's how much it costs because that's the whole point of a god-dame price. But no, not in America. When you pay for something in America, they they hit you with the surprise sales taxxxxxxxxxxxxxx they're they're they're they're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe. toe. to to their. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to their. their. their to to their their to their their their their to to their their their thae. thae. ta. ta. ta. ta. toe. ta. toe. ta. ta. toe. ta. ta. ta. taxe. taxe. they hit you with a surprise sales tax. They're basically catfishing you. I know that $600 TV looks good, but it's lying. It's $6.50 and it has a secret family. But don't get me wrong. Taxes are far from America's only insane money issue. Okay? I know you guys are used to it, but I need you to realize that the way you tip in this country is not, the way, the way, the way, the way, thin, thin, thin, the way, thin, thin, the thi, and the thi, and their, and thi, and their, and their, and thi, and the way, and thi, and th thi, and to to be a thi, and thi, and their, and their, and to to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and the way, and the way, the way, the way, the way, the way, the way the way the way the way the way, the way the way the way the way thi, the way, the way, the way, thi.e.eat-s. their their their their their their their their thi.eat, normal. Everywhere else, a tip is a show of appreciation. Not a gold fund me for someone who doesn't earn a living wage.

A waiter's ability to pay rent shouldn't depend on how generous Becky feels after three martinis. And the real issue is how arbitrary your tipping is. You tip the guy who delivers your page. And you tip the person who made your coffee, but not the the the the person the the the person the the the the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped tiped thi thi thi thi thi thi is is is is tipp is tipp is tipped is tipped is tip you tip the person who made your coffee but not the person who made your Big Mac. And don't even get me started on tip jars. You don't have to put money in but if you do you gotta make a big show of it. I like to shoot my cash into the jar like a basketball while shouting. He tips, he scores.

If you bank it off the cashier, they usually notice. But as weird as taxes and tipping are in America, let's not forget about the actual money itself, because American physical currency sucks. I don't know if you know this, but in other countries, every denomination is a different size because it makes it easier to tell them apart, especially if you're blind. But apparently blind people don't need to use money in America because look at this shit. Same exact size. All of it. You got to look over each individual bill to figure out which slave owner to hand over. And while we're talking about your strange money, who decided a pyramid if a freaking eye was a normal thing to put on the dollar? Hey, rule of thumb America, if Nick Cage can make a movie about your money, you're doing it wrong. Not to the th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi, thi, thumb America, if Nick Cage can make a movie about your money, you're doing

it wrong. Not to mention the pennies. Like, why do these still exist when everyone's just trying to get rid of her? Even convenience stores have that take a penny, leave a penny dish. It's like an animal shelter for unwanted money. Did you know that America actually loses money? If you're going to have a hobby that loses you money, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, and I I I I I I, and I I's, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi.ean, the thi, their, their, their, their, their, you're going to have a hobby that loses you money, get a gambling addiction like a normal person. Okay?

Listen, your whole financial system is stupid and I hate it. The money, the tipping, the taxes. That's why I found a way to avoid dealing with it all together. All right? The secret is they can't tax you if they don't know you have it. So much easier robbing a bank in Europe. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Survivor 47 is here which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire.

And this season we are joined by fan favorite and survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action Charlie I'm excited to do this together. Thanks Jeff so excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to on fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcasts.