The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | The Royal Family

Episode Date: May 3, 2026

As King Charles III and Queen Camilla wrap up their latest visit to the United States, take a look back at The Daily Show's coverage of the UK's Royal Family over the years. --The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. For the past 48 hours, America has been forced to ask itself some very difficult questions about the way we forced other people to answer some difficult questions. For a country that prides itself on its moral identity,

it has been a time of great introspection. One that I am happy to announce ends now, motherfuck! Because you know why the royal family was in town? And I finally understand why England clings to this antiquated relic of a more primitive time. Because they are pretty. They are shiny. And they are more fun to look at than the shame that lives inside of us all.

Join me, won't you? As we embark on a wondrous journey we call... Bill and Kate's forced rectal feeding free American adventure. Just look at the excitement they've brought to our city. The Empire State Building was a glow in Union Jack colors. The Empire State Building has changed their colors for them. Yes. What is it about these two?

They lit up the Empire State Building for the royal couple. They only do that for the specialist of occasions like Canada Day. and Alicia Key's record release and the grand opening of the grill inside the building what is it about those two? I assume the royal couple spent their time in New York like any other tourists, hit up the M&M store

and spend the rest of the trip watching reruns of friends in your hotel room because a homeless guy called you a white devil. Or, or Or did they kick things off another way. Prince William, meeting with President Obama in the Oval Office. Kate, as you can see, stayed in New York where she visited a childhood development center in Harlem. Did some arts and crafts, apparently wrapped some Christmas presents.

Yes, because what trip to America is complete without a reinforcement of our traditional gender roles? Come on, man! When you're already presiding over an institution that seems several centuries out of touch, Maybe you let the women talk politics and the guys can do arts and crafts with the children. Could that be something? But still, seeing a real-life princess must have been thrilling for those lucky kids.

They saw her and they shouted, Princess! And they were so excited. And then one of the administrators said they actually think you're the princess from Frozen. That's adorable and ridiculous. I mean, if she were Elsa, she'd be followed around by some pale, hairless,

living snow. Let it go. Now, I know what you're thinking. Are we going to get to see the Duchess rap some presents? Well, I'm afraid I've got some bad news. No, I'm just kidding. Of course we're going to see that. The Duchess rap presence reluctantly.

Kate showed off her gift wrapping skills while getting a little taste of New York's famous charm. What? That is the Duchess of Kate. Cambridge throwing shade at her supervisor. That's one of these. Sure, I'll keep... We got a...

We got to gif that or jiff that or whatever you kids call it on there. Or you know what? Forget about that. Meme it. Let's meme it. Yeah, there you go. When another girl texts my bay on date night, I'm like, whatever.

Whatever this expression is, she's making in that picture. Of course, even with all that hard work, The Royals still made time for some fun in games. The NBA and the Brooklyn Nets would like to welcome their royal highnesses, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to Barclay Center for their first NBA game. Let's please give them a warm Brooklyn welcome. Sit down, you big-headed f***! That is our traditional greeting.

Now, Kate and William may not know much about basketball, but they do know royalty. King James scoring big. for the Cavaliers. Before meeting with the royal couple post-game, LeBron putting his arm around Kate for photos. And yes, the much-anticipated meeting between British and Brooklyn royalty took place, Beyonce and Jay-Z, greeting Will and Kate Courtside. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh, my God, they're going to touch, they're going to touch, let's see what happens when they touch. Contact is imminent. Oh my God! That's it. Anybody else expect a beam of light brighter than a thousand suns to maybe a genie riding a unicorn into

a sea of diamonds or maybe when they all hold hands together they form some type of sexy Voltron maybe. Don't roll your eyes in me. But perhaps the most genuinely touching moment of the Royal's visit came when they met some real New Yorkers. They were treated to live musical, dance and storytelling performances. So I told my mother that happened. The couple so moved by 22-year-old Stephen Prescott's story that Prince William gave him his personal phone number. Please, just cool. All you've got to do is coal. It's just zero.

And then the country coat. And then just press the number three. For more on Will and K.C. Coast visit, we go out to our senior Royal Watcher, Jessica Williams. Jessica, thanks for. What an exciting time. What's the big takeaway from the royal couple's time here? Seriously, John? Like, you don't know?

Well, no, I don't. I'm asking, Jessica, why do you get your art phone? Is everything okay? Because, John, look at their it. It's their itinerary. Yeah. NBA game. Okay.

Harlem, the president. John, the Royals came here looking for a black friend. What? Jessica, that's ridiculous. Why would they think... What, John, it's the ultimate get when you're in the upper class. The rat pack had Sammy Davis Jr. The love vote had Isaac.

Seriously, you think Kim John Un likes Dennis Robin for his personality? Also, John, what's an Oreo without the chocolate cookies? Huh? Just a gross white jizz quarter. Just. Not eating those anymore. Mm-mm. But just, it's ridiculous.

They have black people in the United Kingdom. Yeah, John, they have food there too, but no one's exactly raving about it. John, they went to a one-man show. Even Martin Luther King wouldn't sit through some dudes one-man show. They were in town for three days. They saw more black people than I do, and I live in the Apollo Theater. You, you live in the Apollo Theater. Yeah, John.

rent control. I didn't know that. But look, the timing of their trip was perfect. They saw just how pissed off black people have been the last few weeks and knew that it was just time to pounce. I mean, look at the shirt William Warren, Brooklyn. Jessica, I don't understand, though, why you seem bothered by all this. Did, I mean, let's be honest.

Did you want them to pick you? Is that? No. Okay, look. I just wanted them to come watch my one-woman show. Jessica Williams in Willing Kate plus mate. I'm sorry that did not pan out. I know.

Jessica, if you want, I'll hang out with you. What? Ew, no, you're like 60 and you live in New Jersey. What? Sorry, Mr. Drummond. Keep fishing. Earlier this week, Prince Harry announced he's getting married to American actress Megan Markle. Yeah, this is super exciting for a lot of people. I mean, because they come from different worlds, you know? Her mom is black, his family's super white.

She's an actress. He's on welfare. Like, it's so romantic. And yesterday, details. emerged about the engagements. Prince Harry and Megan Markle selecting St. George's Chapel for their upcoming ceremony set to take place in May. The proposal took place over chicken dinner here at home. The engagement ring, two diamonds from jewelry

belonging to Harry's mom, Diana, and a center stone from the African country, Botswana, where the couple spent their third date. Wait, hold up. Their third date was to Botswana? I mean, normally on a third date, you might go to red lobster, but for a royal, you go to an entire African country. Wow.

When he f*** me good, I take his ass to Botswana. When he's fucking good, he take my ass to Botswana. And I say, and I say, and I say. For more perspective on this royal engagement, we turn now to our actual British person. Gina Yashire, everybody. This royal wedding has people around the world excited. So in Britain, it must be pretty big. Oh, it's huge, Trevor.

We haven't been this excited since Pierce Morgan left for America. Now, I can see why Americans love the Royals. They're a world-famous family with tons of drama. Like the Kennedys, but with better security. Don't boo me. Boo Ted Cruz's dad. Wait, but Gina, Gina, like, this is good news for the royal family.

Because, like, Harry's always been known as a bad boy, right? A bit of a womanizer, drunken fights, parting naked in Vegas. Like, they must be relieved that he's finally settling down. Settling down. This engagement is one of the most rebellious things a royal has ever done. Megan Markle is American, she's divorced, and she's black.

This is not the traditional recipe for a princess. Even in kids' movies, they went green before black. Look, okay, wait, I understand American and divorce, but black, is that really an issue in Britain? It is for the British press. I know in America people don't really think of Megan as super black. super black. One, because their name is Megan. And two, because you can't pick her out of this lineup

of white women. Yeah, I don't know where she is. I'm not lying. But to the British right-wing press, Harry might as well be engaged to Wendy Williams. How you doing? Look, I hear what you're saying, and I've been following the coverage from the UK.

I don't know if I've seen that much racism. Exactly. The Brits do subtle racism. It's not the N word, it's in code. Let me show you some examples. They say, meet the in-laws, the very unroyal Markel family. When they say unroyal, they really mean unwhite. They also talk about how Megan's parents are divorced and she comes from a broken family.

You know who else comes from a broken family? Prince Harry! They call Megan's family unconventional. Unconventional. The queen is married to her own cousin. cousin. Oh, and this one, Trevor, this one's my favorite. The Daily Mail said that Megan is almost straight out of Compton.

She isn't. She actually went to a private school in Hollywood, but she's black. She's on the West Coast, so she must be in NWA. First up, after two days of excruciating waiting, the Royal Baby finally has a name. Prince Harry

and Megan Marco have announced the name of the newest member of the Royal Family, their son Archie Harrison Mount Ben Windsor. Earlier today, the joyous new parents spoke to the press at Windsor Castle. Magic. It's pretty amazing. And, I mean, I have the two best guys in the world, so I'm really happy. We're just so thrilled to have our own little bundle of joy. We're able to spend some precious times with him as he slowly starts to grow up. Aw, they're so sweet.

Although I do have to admit this, right? I always find it weird when people introduce a new baby, right? Because if you think about it, there's such a big contrast between the end products and how it was made, you know? You know what I mean? Because if we were honest, we're really overjoyed to welcome this pure little miracle, the result of our sweaty night of just raw dogging, hashtag blessed.

And it's especially weird because when it's the royals, it's big news that they did one of humanity's most basic biological functions. But that's what having a baby is. It's just something your body does, something humans do. It's like if there was a front page news story and the headline was just Gary farted. But anyway, welcome to the world, little Archie.

And I know some people are disappointed by the name Archie. But there's one person who's super excited, the queen. Yeah, because you know for the last nine months, she's been like, please don't be Jamal, please don't be Jamal, please don't be Jamal, please don't be Jamal. Let's kick things off with the royal family. They're like the Kardashians, but less welcoming to be Jamal. black people. It's been a month since Harry and Megan announced that they wanted to leave the family.

And now they've been told that they're free to go, but they've got to leave their name tags behind. Harry and Megan will soon be royals no more, at least publicly. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex released new details about their plan to step down from formal royal duties, including an agreement with the queen did not use the word royal in any future philanthropic or commercial pursuits, though they will formally retain their Royal Highness titles, they will no longer be able to use them after the transition takes place on March 31st. Damn, Harry and Megan are losing their titles?

That's the most embarrassing royal loss since Williams' hairline. But yes, the queen has announced that Harry and Megan can no longer describe themselves as royal. And I won't lie, if I was Harry and Megan, I'll be like, fine, then we'll be known as Royale. It's actually pretty funny how petty the queen is being. Because basically, you know what she's doing? She's trying to turn Harry and Megan

from the official royals to the store brand. That's what she's doing. Like, you know how the store brand is kind of like the brand name, but just off, like slightly? Like, Frosted Flakes will have Tony the Tiger, but then the store brand is a weird polar bear. Yeah?

So then every morning you have to look at the box while you're eating cereal and you're like, I wish my mom didn't buy you. But I'll be honest. I don't think the queen is going to win this one because it's not like Harry and Megan need those titles for us to know who they are. No one hears names like Harry and Megan

and they're like, which Harry and Megan? The ones from Nashville? Is that damn? As you may know, and as you should know, today was a very special day for the queen. And no, I'm not talking about Beyonce. I'm talking about the original queen. The crown wearing, range rover driving, 96-year-old, five-foot giant

whose face has been on money longer than any of us. Losers have even been alive. Long live the queen! I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Every one of us from the colonies, we just get so excited when we talk about the queen.

Yeah, they whipped it into us when we were kids. It's not my fault. Where was that? Oh yes, yes. Queen Elizabeth II has now officially been on the throne for 70 years, which means it's time to throw a little party. Four days of parades and pageantry underway in London this morning to celebrate the historic

70-year reign of Queen Elizabeth, hundreds of thousands gathering outside of Buckingham Palace. Tens of millions watching around the world, an event filled with royal tradition and ceremony. 1,500 troops, 350 horses. This pageantry is the envy of the world. At Stonehenge, they have been showing pictures of the queen from different decades. The Jubilee's official dessert, a seven-layer lemon trifle in honor of the queen's seven decades of service. The queen has given us her life.

Really. Lop her. She's beautiful. The incredible composure of the queen herself standing on that balcony, just how glamorous Kate looked. I mean, she is becoming an icon. And then little Prince Louis, who looked frankly bored

and a little unimpressed by the whole thing. Yeah, of course he's bored. Don't forget. He's a prince, okay? So to him, she's not the queen of England in her palace. She's just granny in her house with the grandma smell, all right? It doesn't matter what the spectacle is. At the end of the day, he is still a little kid at a family party.

If you want to hold his interest, you know what you've got to do? You've got to give him an iPad. Yeah. That's what I do with four-year-olds. Whenever I look after them, yeah, I put YouTube on autoplay, and then boom, they set for like 10 hours straight. Yeah, I'm the world's best babysitter, and they come away understanding that Bush did 9-11.

But seriously, this looked like so much fun. Four days of parties. It's like a burning man where nobody's pretending to be poor. They've got 1,500 troops, hundreds of horses, seven-layered desserts. The only part I didn't enjoy was when they projected the queen onto Stonehenge.

Yeah, that felt kind of like an age thing, you know? I was like, hey, you two know each other, don't you? Yeah, queen say how to the stone faces? And while this extravaganza may seem excessive to people, you've got to admit, 70 years on the throne is impressive. You know, in fact, it's impressive for any job. Who else has held onto a job for that long?

Huh? I mean, if you think about it, in fact, maybe it's time for the queen to try something new. I mean, with the skills she's learned at this job, you know, she could try something else. She would be an incredible Walmart greeter, you know? Just like, plasma screens in Al Five. She could be a consultant on the next season of Bridgeton, you know?

Yeah, just being like, it's not bad, but I wish we had this many chocolate hunks in my day. Yeah, or the best for the war. she could be a rapper. Yeah, the queen would be seamless in that. Yeah, she's got the bodyguards. She's got the bling. She just went platinum.

All she needs now is to start a beef with another monarch. Yeah, you want some of this emperor, Narihuto? Didn't think so, bitch! There is one story that came in and conquered all the other news, and it's about the queen. We do have this breaking news just coming in from Buckingham Palace. Queen Elizabeth II has died just hours after her doctor said they were concerned for her health. The 96-year-old queen has been at Belmoral Castle in Scotland.

Among the people with her at Belmoral, her four children, Andrew, Anne, Edward, and Charles, who is now officially king, automatically ascending to the throne upon the announcement of his mother's death. The queen, of course, the longest reigning monarch in British history, and one of the longest reigning ever. The queen has died and long leave the king. Yes, it's official.

At the age of 96, Queen Elizabeth, Elizabeth, the second passed away today. You know, I'm not gonna lie, it's been interesting to see how varied the reactions to this news have been. You know, the full spectrum of emotions, everything from how will the kingdom carry on all the way to, you shouldn't have colonized India, bye, bitch.

It's been really broad. But whatever you think about the royal family or the monarchy, you've gotta admit, it's insane how long Elizabeth sat on the throne. She came to power in 1952. You understand how long that is? That means she's seen Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman,

Christian Bale as Batman, Ben Affleck as Batman, survived that, and then saw Robert Pattinson as Batman. And look, I'm sure there's a better way to measure time than in Batman, but you get it. She's been in the game for a minute. And on top of that, on top of that,

she was a queen, the real deal. Because these days, that term gets thrown around way too much. Yeah, you just post a photo of your smoothie online, and everyone's like, yeah, self-care queen. No, that doesn't make you a queen. You're a Duchess of self-care best. Now, in case you're wondering, Prince Charles is now going to be the king,

which, let's be honest, is much better than being prince. I mean, he's, no, he's 73 years old. And until today, he still had the same title as his own grandchildren. That was weird. Yeah, the world wasn't made for an old. Prince. I can tell you now there's no one in a Disney movie who's like, someday my prince will come and he'll wear orthopedic shoes and eat cottage cheese for every meal.

Like Charles is so old, he's going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stair lifts. That's how old he is. And look, if we had the time, we could talk about how this might be a good time for Britain to consider whether it wants King Charles on its currency, or maybe this might be a good time to call it quits on the whole monarchy as we know but we just do not have the time for that, because there is one ruler we must honor, and that is our majesty the advertisers. Queen Elizabeth II.

Queen of the Andles and the first men, Calisi of the Great Grass Sea and Wales, mother of corgis and maker of chains. After 96 years of living her best life, the queen's passing has obviously made headlines all over the globe. So, let's catch up on all those headlines in our latest installments of the Royal Rumble.

Queen Elizabeth was laid in state at Westminster, and no surprise, the British went all out for it, because the British love doing shit all dignified. Well, they do. Have you seen the changing of the guard? That's a 45-minute ceremony just to clock out. So when the queen herself dies, best believe the pump was going to be everywhere. I'm talking streets filled with giant British flags.

I'm talking soldiers with their... Fancyest hats. I'm talking a casket decked out with the royal crown on top of it, which means technically for a while that casket was the rule of England. Yeah, I read that on Wikipedia. And officials expect that more than 700,000 mourners will come to see the queen lying in states with people waiting up to 30 hours in a line stretching five miles long.

It's basically like trying to vote in Georgia. That's how dedicated you have to be. to see the queen. But my favorite ritual, my favorite ritual in this whole thing is that, and this is completely true, the royal beekeeper has to inform the queen's bees that the queen had died.

That is a real thing that they have to do. And look, they don't have any footage of it, but I feel like I can imagine that it didn't go well. Hello, everyone. Hello. I'm afraid I have some difficult news. The queen is dead. Yeah, no, no, no, no, not your queen. Not your queen.

The queen, not your queen. Calm down. Everyone, calm down. Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine, okay? We have a new leader, and Charles will now be the king. A lot of people are mourning. But it turns out, while the royal family has their official rituals,

the people have their own way of mourning their beloved queen. And Buckingham Palace has politely asked them to cut that shit out. We've also heard that authorities are asking the public to stop leaving certain gifts outside Buckingham Palace. What can you tell us about that? Yeah, so they're specifically asking people not to bring any more toy bear. So this all started during the Queen's platinum Jubilee celebrations. The Queen participated in a video skid alongside an animated version of Paddington Bear. That was a real hit here, a sensation. And so in honor of that, people have been bringing toy bears and marmalade sandwiches,

which were mentioned in Natskid, to the grounds of Buckingham Palace. There have been so many bears brought that the Royal Park Service is asking people not to bring any more bears and to instead bring organic tributes, such as unwrapped flowers. Okay, hold up, hold up, hold up.

This woman ruled the world's largest empire, and that's what people remember her for? Lady who are tea with Paddington, yeah! Are you kidding me? She was the longest reigning queen in world history. She drove an ambulance in World War II. She knighted legends. And she had Princess Diana Killed, and you remember her

from a sketch? Show some respect! Paddington Bears. By the way, I'm not sure leaving a trail of teddy bears outside the palace is a good idea. I mean, that's already how Prince Andrew finds his girlfriends. But it's not just marmalade and bears. People are leaving all sorts of things. They're leaving flowers.

They're leaving pictures. I'll tell you what, this is a great opportunity to get rid of anything that you don't want and just disguise it as a gift. She'd be like, oh, our glorious queen, I honor you with this ottoman that has a wobbly leg. It is from the great Swedish kingdom of IKEA. But while some people and bees are mourning Her Majesty's passing,

many other people are having a slightly different reaction. Not everything was scripted today. One person protesting Prince Andrew was quickly removed from the crowd. A day earlier, it was signage not shouting that police in Edinburgh had issue it. This woman's sign was in protest at imperialism inflicted on the global south, she says, and now has been charged with breach of the peace. Another man, Simon Hill, where he was arrested and de-arrested in Oxford at a proclamation ceremony for the king

after he shouted out, who elected him? I love that. I feel like everyone in the UK is amazing. It's like people heckling, you're sick old men. So they're like, who elected him? That's a great line. Who made you king? All right, your mom, sorry about that.

Yeah. But yeah, the police in Britain have arrested people for disrupting the royal ceremonies, basically, but with their opinions, which, I was like, guys, the crown has gotten soft. Someone was just holding a sign. You realize back in the day, a crowd that didn't like you, their opinion would be that your body should be separated from your head.

Now they're just holding up a sign. You can just turn the other way. Yeah, you still got a neck. Use it. Like, you're going to arrest the lady in Scotland for holding a sign? I've seen Braveheart. When the Scottish want to protest the British crown, you'll know. You will know.

And this really makes you appreciate how much freedom of speech people have here in America. Yeah, you can do whatever wants here. You can say, fuck the president. You can give a congressman, the middle finger. You can try to murder the vice president. It's all free speech, baby. It's all free speech.

The backlash. The backlash to the British monarchy hasn't just been coming from the United Kingdom itself. Because in many parts of the world, especially Africa. People have a very different relationship. with the Queen. Across the African continent, there have been people who are saying, I will not mourn for

Queen Elizabeth. They heard it more than a million people in a concentration camps where they were tortured and dehumanized, which is why you see a statement like this from the South African opposition party, the Economic Freedom Fighters, that said, we do not mourn the death of Elizabeth because to us her death is a reminder of a very tragic period in this country and Africa's history. During her 70-year reign as Queen, she never once acknowledged the atrocities that her family inflicted on many or native people that Britain invaded across the world. If there is really life and justice up to death,

may Elizabeth and her ancestors get what they deserve. Elizabeth and her ancestors get what they deserve. You know what I love about that line? Is that you can't really get angry because if you do, then it means that you acknowledge what she deserves is bad. May she get what she did that? How dare you say that?

Well, what does she deserve? I don't know. And I know some of these reactions seem extreme, but when you consider what the British Empire did, these reactions are actually pretty reasonable, right? You can't expect the oppressed to mourn the oppressor. Never gonna happen. It would be like giving a eulogy for the guy

who stole your hubcaps. I didn't know Maurice well, but he was definitely a go-getter. By the way, has anyone seen my hubcaps? And I know some people would say, but look, Trevor, the queen wasn't really in charge. She's just a figurehead. You can't blame her for the atrocities that the British Empire committed.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough. But you also understand, in her entire reign, She never repented. She never once made amends, right? There wasn't even one, like, notes apapology on her Twitter, nothing. I mean, her crown, her crown still has that big-ass diamond

that they took from South Africa. Right? It still has, the Kallenen Diamond. It is the ultimate conflict diamond. The least you could do is give it back. To who? I don't know. I don't know, but, like, you could try. You know, find a South African

who hosts a late-night TV show. It could be any one of them. Two weeks ago, as you all know, Queen Elizabeth died of being old. And it's been a wild two weeks since, right? Lots of heated debates from all sides. She was an icon. She was a tyrant.

Preserve the monarchy. Get rid of the monarchy. We hate Charles. We also hate Charles. But today, Britain said, hey, let's suppress our feelings as usual because it's the Queen's funeral. And they did it in a major way.

So let's catch up on the UK's big day in our latest installment of the Royal Rumble. Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest at one of her favorite castles. But before she was buried, the public was given a chance to visit her casket and pay their respects. Overnight, that incredible line of mourners

snaking through central London, thousands patiently waiting to pay their respects to Britain's longest reigning monarch. Tens of thousands from around the world wait for hours to see the Queen's coffin. With lines now stretching five miles to see her lying in state, the predicted wait tonight, an incredible 22 hours.

I've been waiting for 10 hours. Even soccer star David Beckham lining up overnight for 13 hours. I think it was a reminder of how much people in this country really like to line up. It really is a national pastime. British people enjoy queuing, as they say in this country. That's an interesting takeaway. Why are these people here? They just like lining up.

Is there something else? No, no, they just really like lining up. I don't think they also like the queen. But this is true. Apparently, standing in line is really popular in Britain. It's like their national pastime. And before you make fun of them for doing something so boring, don't forget America's national pastime.

It's baseball, you know, which is, yeah, when people act as if someone died, but they didn't. But 22 hours in line, that's no joke. 22 hours. Because remember, there's no iPhone at the end of that line, all right? It's just a box, and you don't even get to open the box. And as you heard, even David Beckham waited in line, which honestly, I found so impressive.

Because apparently he was offered a chance to skip the queue, and he refused, which is really admirable. I mean, especially when you consider that you don't know who you're going to be stuck in that line with, you know what I mean? Yeah, because at the beginning you might be like, I'm just gonna stand in the line. And next you, you know, there's like an Arsenal fan behind him for 20 hours, it's like, man, United are shit this season.

Arsenal, Arsenal, God save the Queen. I'm missing so much. Arsenal! After days of queuing, today was finally the Queen's funeral. And essentially, the entire country shut down for this thing. You've never seen anything like it. Schools and businesses were closed. I mean, and that's a really great way of honor, you know,

someone who also never had to work, but it was intense. It was also a little inconvenient for people. Flights were cancelled to avoid the noise. Hospitals even postponed surgeries. And yeah, and if you were supposed to get a surgery on a plane, forget it. That definitely wasn't happening. No, but for real, I think it's actually good. I think it's good that they postponed routine surgeries

because, like, everyone in the UK is distracted today. You know, kind of doctors coming out like, Mrs. Abbott, I'm pleased to say the bum lift was a success. but I needed a hip replacement and I need a new queen buddy you don't hear me complaining I get on out of here with that fat ass girl go on

shake it just shake it so obviously this was a huge deal and by the way not just for the Brits leaders from all over the world flew in to be a part of this funeral now what was a little strange was that President Biden

arrived in a six car motorcade meanwhile leaders from most other countries had to share buses. I mean, that must have sucked. Like the whole point of becoming a world leader is that you don't ever have to ride a bus anymore. Imagine you're the emperor of Japan, and you have to pretend you don't hear Justin Trudeau

shitting in the bus bathroom. And obviously, some people are mad that Biden got special treatment. But if you ask me, I think the other world leaders, they're the ones who benefited. Can you imagine being stuck on a bus with Joe Biden? With Joe Biden? The conversation would never end. It's just him like, so that Mr. Prime Minister, I said,

come on pop, I said, listen, Jack, I looked in the street of the eye, and I took his hair, and he said, you're moving to another seat? Come on, man, come on, come on, listen. And world leaders weren't the only ones in attendance. No, the Queen's corgis were there, too. And this was really sweet. Yeah, they got to pay their last respect, you know, see the Queen one more time,

and then I assume follow the little trail of dog treats right into the tomb. Very adorable. That's how the Egyptians did it. I'm assuming the English are the same. It's also like, why would you bring the dogs? Why are you torturing them? What, were the dogs, like, sitting up in the morning, like, can we get a treat and, like,

I'll show you why there's no more treats? But once the funeral was over, the Queen's casket was driven to Windsor Castle to give her one last chance to experience London traffic, and everyone made it count. We are watching the royal procession of Queen Elizabeth's,

coffin, cheers going up from the crowd, a crowd that has been quiet and somber throughout most of the morning, but now cheers as the queen's coffin passes by, flowers being thrown from the crowd toward the queen's coffin. This is probably my favorite part of a funeral. No, it genuinely is. There's a moment where everyone's sad because somebody's gone, and then there's the moment where you celebrate their life. I love this moment.

You know, you're like, uh-huh, ha, ha. It's also weird that they were throwing the flowers onto. to the car's windshield while the dude is driving. It's a bit risky. I don't know if guys gonna end up, like, just plowing right into the crowd. Just, ah, bp-p-p-p-p-p-p-p. All right, just put those in the back with the queen.

Let's go, let's go. We're gonna keep moving, got to keep moving. But aside from all the flowers and panties being thrown at the car, it was a beautiful procession. With all the king's horses, all the king's men, basically everyone who couldn't save Humpty Dumpty, they were there. And it was a three-mile march from Westminster Abbey,

to Windsor Castle, also known as the long walk. Yeah, or as Kylie Jenner calls it, why didn't they take the jab? So it was a long ride to Windsor Castle, but it was worth the wait. Because the ceremony, the ceremony formerly laying Her Majesty to rest was not to be missed. The most intimate moving moment was when the crown jeweler

removed the instruments of state, that's the crown, the orb in the sceptor, remove them from the queen's coffin, and placed him on the altar. And then the head of the Queen's household broke his wand of office and then placed that on the Queen's coffin. That essentially signals we're told

that this Queen's reign is over the coffin, then lowered into the vault. There are 10 other monarchs buried there as St. George's Chapel as well. Yeah, as the world watched on, Queen Elizabeth II, the UK's longest reigning monarch was lowered into the family vaults.

And whether you are for or against the monarchy, you cannot deny. This is a landmark moment in history. They broke the wand, and it's official. I will say, and yes, it's because I've read too much Harry Potter. This thing could have just as easily been part of a wizard ceremony, you know? It's like a guy in a cape holding an orb, snapping a wand. By the way, why is the war?

One, getting buried with Her Majesty, but nothing else. I feel like it's kind of a letdown, right? Because they could bury her with the crown and the orb, but they're like, no, no, we'll hold on to these. Yeah, you can be buried with this broken pool queue. There you go. Tata. All right, that's it for the headlines.

But before we go, for a quick break, let's check in on the stock market with our finance expert. Michael Costa, everybody. Nothing's changing. What's happening in the market today? Look, before we get into the markets, I, you know, I just want to say my thought. are with the Queen, and I pray that law enforcement finds her killer.

Okay? So... There was no... Today is a day where we reflect on the Queen's life, we reflect and evaluate our own lives. You know, I took the weekend to consider the direction of my life and which way it's going. And Trevor, I have to say, okay, honestly, now more than ever,

I am absolutely crushing it. Okay, I am crushing it's even harder now because that's what the Queen would have wanted, okay? would have wanted, okay? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

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