The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | The World Cup

Episode Date: June 14, 2026

Grab your vuvuzela and fake an injury at the slightest touch, it's World Cup time! Take a trip back through The Daily Show's coverage of the beautiful game's biggest event through the years. Jon Stewart breaks down American enthusiasm, confusion and indifference to the world's most popular sport, with help from Rob Cordry, Jason Jones and John Hodgman. John Oliver travels to South Africa to taunt the U.S. team into action. Trevor Noah wades into the controversial host nations of the past two tournaments. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. You're listening to Comedy Central. Soccer fans from all over the world that is in America descended on the tiny continent of Asia last week for the 2002 World Cup, where amidst a high level of security and an even higher level of public shame, the most popular port sporting event in the final. It got underway. The games have produced a stunning upset already.

Defending champion France lost to Senegal. One to nil. An unbelievably sweet win for Senegal over France. 301 years ago, Senegal was a French colony. Plundered, raped, despoiled of its natural resources, but now they beat them in soccer won nothing, so I guess it's even. Meanwhile, in Group B action, Paraguay battled South Africa

to a two-two tie. Woo, two-two-tie. No love lost between those two countries. Or hate, or commerce, for that matter. They won't... Did you know that over the United? sees what we call soccer is known as football, it's true. And what we call the greatest country on earth, they call the great Satan.

But World Cup soccer is really about the fans. Many of the true diehards, to go along with their face and body paint and colorful wigs, brought novelty items like this Belgian pitchfork and this Irish hammer as creative ways to show their support. As well as, give those novelty items a much appreciated chance to visit their homeland. Aside from hosting duties, Japan and South Korea are themselves fielding teams. The Japanese fan base includes a large contingency of young people excited for their country's first ever appearance in World Cup, including these Japanese scalpers. Actually, there are plenty of tickets to be had for the event, and in Korea, supporters lined up for their chance to see today's match against Poland.

And after buying one of the 50,000 available tickets, there was only a lot of the 50,000 available tickets, There was only one thing for this fan to say. That, of course, is the winner of Korea's annual most attainable dream competition. But what about the United States team? They're there, too, and U.S. coach Bruce Arena is fired up. I've been at one game, and I thought everything went well. USA soccer.

Catch the chronic fatigue syndrome. Arena was also a. asked his thoughts about America's match against Portugal. The one area that stands out with Portugal is their great attacking qualities. The combination of players, it's just not one player or two players, but it's a combination of Figo, Concechelle, Poaletta, perhaps Pinto, and the cost at the same time. Oh, interesting. I have a quick follow-up question. It's time to address all the sports fans out there. Are you guys tired of the same old, same old? Another title for the Lakers, another title for the Tiger Woods, another call from

Tony and Master Piqua wanting to know what Mike Alupica thinks is up with the Yankees. We'll cast your eyes over to South Korea, where the United States soccer team has done something it's only accomplished once before Cold Fusion. No, I'm sorry. They made it to the World Cup quarterfinals. This morning, the United States team stunned Mexico 2-0 to advance to the World Cup quarterfinals For the first time since 1930, the wind goes a long way towards establishing the United States

as a legitimate soccer power. More importantly, it gives this country a big psychological boost. Finally, paying back Mexico for that time that they... You know, when Mexico... You know what? Mexico probably needed this win more than we did. They're the ones running here.

For now, though, the streets of America's soccer-crazed urban centers are teaming with one fan in particular speaking for an entire grateful nation. We've all been there. You know, interesting note. Interesting note. The man's face isn't actually painted. He's just embarrassed here. He saw a ghost here and here, and is choking here.

After his winning goal, emerging United States star, Landon Donovan, followed soccer's celebratory etiquette and removed his shirt in jubilation. Player stripping is a ubiquitous occurrence at the World Cup, but just why do they do it? For more, we take you out to South Korea, where our chief World Cup correspondent Rob Cordyry is standing by. Hi, Rob, thanks for joining us. Thank you, John.

Rob, what a fantastic win, but I gotta ask you, when they score a goal, why do they take their shirts off? John, players removing their shirts during the bright flash of victory is a healthy and natural expression of their virtuous, but long-sublimated warrior selves. This kind of aggressive, delicate poetry is summoned when our most elite physical champions succeed at what they were put on earth to do.

Simply put, they do it because it is beautiful. And beauty must be honored. Wow. Thank you, Rob. That was a really insightful report. Thank you. You liked it? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah! Best report ever! All right. Thank you, Rob. Thank you. We'll be right back. But obviously the big story that everybody's talking about, the World Cup.

El Copa de Mundial! Yesterday, Italy defeated France 5 to 3 on penalty kicks to win their fourth title. Jubilant fans filled Italy's famed piazzas in celebration. We take you now live to Rome. Jason Jones, you've been covering the tournament, Jason. They're still celebrating. It must have been quite a night and day. Crazy.

Crazy, John. To see these two magnificent teams. kick a ball back and forth for two hours. Real thrill. But I think I speak for most Americans when I see the real appeal here is the subtext. Watching Italy and France not just play a game of soccer that settle an old score.

An old witch, Italy and France? The great schism, John. Pope Clement V, moving the papacy to Avignon France to escape infighting amongst their Roman elite? Come on. I know. Some soccer fans will tell you the matter was settled in 1378 when Gregory the 11th moved the papacy back to Rome. But the wound festered until yesterday when the Great Schism was settled as it should have been all along by penalty kicks.

Take that, France. Where's your anti-papacy now, bitch? Obviously, the anti-papacy angle aside, the real story of the game appeared to be French star Zinadon ejected for this headbut of Italy's Marco Madarazzi in the chest. What are you hearing as to why that happened? Well, some say words were being exchanged, perhaps something along the lines of the Italian calling Sedan an Algerian bastard whose mother was a Berber whore. But if you look at the tape, it's equally likely

Zadon was trying to save Marrazi's life as an Italian. It's highly likely that the talented midfielder was choking on a spicy meatabal. which Zedon bravely dislodged from his good friend's windpipe with a quick head butt to the sternum. Jason, a spicy meatball sounds somewhat unlikely. John, John, you cannot underestimate the Italian's love for the spicy meat the bog. Did the incident in any way cast appall on the victory celebration for the Italian? Not at all, John. I think the Italian team can take solace in knowing that they're combination.

of rugged good looks and victory in the World Cup make them arguably the most human beings on the planet. For the next month, adoring crowds will hold their penises aloft and pass them from Milan to Naples, Stanley Cup style. Well, thank you very much, Jason. Enjoy the celebration.

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El Cap de Mundo. With football mania gripping much of the planet, we turn for insight to our resident expert, Mr. John Hodgman. John, thank you so much for John. Obviously, many viewers are not knowledgeable. about the game in the world of soccer, how important is the World Cup?

Oh, it's the biggest sporting and cultural event on the World Stage. In 2002, the World Cup final was watched by some 85 trillion people. Really? Yes. It's like the Olympics plus the World Series, plus the birth of your first child,

all multiplied by X, where X equals awesome. But then why hasn't soccer really been embraced by Americans? Well, it has by some, for example, the first child. famous soccer moms who've tried to liven the game up for Americans by introducing minivans into play and also casual sex.

Casual sex? Yes, that's what the minivans are for. You've obviously never been to Brookline, Massachusetts. Smilf capital of New England. To Americanize, John, the way soccer has followed overseas, the passion it inspires, the maniacal behavior in the stand.

it seems almost out of control. Why? Well, there are two reasons for this. First, they're foreigners. And second, it's nations going against nations, revisiting ancient rivalries. In a way, it's a metaphor for global conflict. When England takes on France, for example, it's the Battle of Vagincor all over again,

with David Beckham as King Henry V. And the French players as France. Americans are, we're a passionate people. journalistic people, we can get into those kinds of rivalries as well. Yeah, yeah, but Americans don't need a metaphor for war. We have war. If anything, we use war as a metaphor for sports. Take today, for example, what happened today.

I have a transcript here of the pilot's response after he dropped the bomb on Zarqawi, and I'll quote, Go... Roger, end quote. It's interesting, John. You know, just the last question. Who do you see taking this thing this year? Oh, well, they're the traditional powerhouses, Brazil, Germany, Pela.

Pele. Pele is a person. You can't count out the black pearl jump. But I'd rather not make a prediction. I'd like to sit back and enjoy these games. The great thing about the World Cup is 32 nations enter the tournament, but only one will move on. Move on.

Yes, to face other planetary champions in the Galaxy Cup. Happens every millennium. And for 3K, I will make a prediction. Rigel 7, unbeatable. Why Rigel 7, John? They've got tentacles. And they're building a robopelay. All right.

John Hodgman, everybody. The United States of America is playing our first World Cup match against our frenemies across the pond. England. No one is more excited than our very own John Oliver. Everyone's talking about the big game on Saturday. Americans will take on one of the tournament favorites, England. That's right, England, the country that lives and breathes the sport, home of the Premier League.

Here's Rudy! We literally invented the game. And on June 12th, we'll face off against the USA. The Clown College of Football. So when I was given the privilege of reporting from the US World Cup training camp, I approached it with the appropriate level of reverence. I'm here with the magnificent US soccer team. I'll try, I'll try again.

United States Soccer team. I'll just think of some series. Okay, Darfur, Darfur, Darfur, Darfur. I'm here with... Good, I got it. I'm here with the United States soccer team. And we've got it. Still, they are technically qualified for this World Cup

and deserve to be treated with respect. You know, a chance to play England in the first game is, you know, is awesome. Do you have a positive? Positive mindset going into the game? Definitely. Why? Why do you have a positive mindset when you're staring to the abyss of inevitable defeat? You know, there's no easy games in a World Cup.

Right. I mean, there are no easy games in international football anymore, apart from the US. And you never get to play yourself. Is that fair? Of course, being an American soccer player presented own unique challenges. How did you tell your parents that you wanted to be an American soccer player? It was pretty easy. They were very supportive. I mean, I can just imagine the scene your dad saying, please, no, son, tell me that you're gay. Yeah, that's actually not how the conversation went at all,

believe it or not. Oh, shit, you haven't told him yet. Now would be the perfect time for you to make this big, brave step. Look, straight into the camera and say, Mom, I'm a US soccer player. Mom, I'm a US soccer player. Big step you make today. Huge.

You should probably call them before this goes out, though, yeah. To save them from further humiliation, I decided to I decided to teach them some basic fundamentals. This is called juggling. Juggling, okay? Not complicate, just one and one. Okay, you try. One.

Yeah? No, not like that. No, that's not, hold on, no, no, no, no, that's not it. No, no, don't over-complicate it. That's not, that's not how you, give me the ball, give me the ball. You, give me the ball, give me, stop it, give me that. Leave it alone. Fine, so they could do circus drinks, that hardly makes them real

footballers. Just to be certain this was nothing to worry about, I went to a US World Cup warm-up match. There were a few more fans than I was expecting. USA! USA! And they were playing at a surprisingly high level. England sucks! England sucks! England sucks! They'd had their fun. But now they'd be playing an actual European team, the Czech Republic. This ought to be hilarious. One nice cross, big deal. He's a good run down the line.

Whoa, nice thrubal. He should not be able to do that. One lucky goal, let's not get carried away. Something was very wrong. So with the England game on the horizon, I headed back to camp, knowing exactly what I needed to do. Tell you what you absolutely must do in South Africa, midnight stroll through Soweto.

Yeah, it sounds nice. Yeah, just wear as much expensive jewellery as you can. Okay. Apparently a South African local delicacy is river water. Just drinking gallons upon gallons of unfiltered river water. Also, they'd need to learn the local language. I have a few phrases in Afrikaans which might help you while you're there. Just try now.

Egville Graig. Don Angeaudaudor. Don Angel Dottor. Ovrau of Albai. Ovrao of Raubai. That's great. And what does that mean? It means it's a pleasure and an honour to be in your country.

In all seriousness, I do a very serious. I do have a heartfelt message for my adopted country. Joking apart, the USA has been my home for the last four years. I'm a huge football fan. I just want to wish you all the best out there. Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate it. Well, good luck out there. All right, all the best.

But let me be perfectly clear, it's not just Stuart Holden or the entire US football team who can suck it. As far as this report is concerned, come June the 12th, it's you. It's America. You can all go see. suck it. England, sucks! B'AWKUH!

And, of course, is our special ally, our friend with diplomatic benefits. But this weekend, all that was put aside as the United States faced off against our mates across the pond in the first round of the 2010 World Cup. Yes. It's like the Revolutionary War all over again, only this time most of America doesn't give a

it a shit how it turns out. Of course, this World Cup takes place in Africa, which presented some unique challenges. Check this out. The American team bust yesterday was stopped on the road because of passing elephants. We've all been there. At least they got there.

The Slovaks lost a goalie to a hungry, hungry hippo. Those who tuned into the game were treated to an exciting match, made even more thrilling by a swarm of angry bees that was apparently bearing down on the stadium. You know, I never thought the Daily Show would have the same ending as my girl. Oh, did I give it away? Klombsky reference. Actually, that sound was the product of a plastic horn called a Vuvazela,

named, of course, for famed South African horn great, Vuvazela. You should check out his first album, annoying, high-pitched wine. That cat could blow. Anyway, despite the fact that England was heavily favored, the game ended in a one-one tie due to a mishandled ball

by England's goalie, Robert Green. Years of preparation and the hopes of an entire nation, undone by a giant f***up. I'm sure the British media will handle it with trademark reserve. Green being barbecued by the British tabloids today. The Hand of Claude. They called his performance rubbish.

They called it Robb still too green for England. Look at that one. Green fingers. Ooh, burn. Y'all invented the English language. Sarcasm. Fri-ing on people. That's the best you've got? Look at our tabloids.

Yeah. Imagine what they would write if we can. Now, we sent our own John Oliver to South Africa to cover the event. He was at the game on Saturday. He joins us live from Johannesburg. John, how are you? John South Africa, the game on Saturday? Yeah, I was indeed there.

Quite a result. Quite a result for the United States. Whoa. Well, you know, it was a draw, John, so let's not get carried away. Both sides get a solid point. And we can both now look forward to the next two games. Absolutely, absolutely. It's interesting.

The result is proof, I guess, that both teams are. equally good. They had the... No, actually, that's not it at all, John. That's... That's not a fair... I think it's actually the definition of what happened, is that both teams get the exact same amount of points, which means they are, in fact, not even

subjectively, they are mathematically, I believe, equal. We're the same. We are exactly as good as each other. We have the exact same. Not a molecule more, not a molecule. No, no, no, John, because England are scientifically a far better

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. You're right, I apologize. That's, uh, no one right is better at not beating America than England. So that was the result, it was a fine result and, uh, and we'll take it. Just if I may say, uh, just a, uh, have a quick comment on the back of that, John. Please. Go f*** yourself, Stuart. And if I may, uh, return the volley and say to you, John Oliver, to go yourself the exact same amount. Because we are equal.

It's not, you're misunderstanding this. John Oliver is. You're totally misunderstanding. I'm not misunderstand. Nothing, nothing. Welcome to the Daily Show. My name is John Gaud. Sorry.

I'm just still a little excited about Landon Donovan's. The U.S. soccer team has been sent to the next round of the World Cup, the Final 16. Huge for two reasons. First, obviously, national pride. And second, if we go all the way this year, if we win the World Cup, the whole rest of the world has to then refer to the sport as soccer. In South Africa, John Oliver, nice to see it. John, congratulations to you as well.

England defeated Slovenia 1-0, a well-played match. On your end, congratulations. Hey, thanks very much, John. And do you know what, congratulations to you too. What a breakthrough for America, all right? You finally made it. Well, no, come on, come on. Welcome.

The round of 16, we've actually been there prior, but it was an excellent... No, no, no. I meant welcome to the third world. I don't... The third world, John. Today, America officially became a third world country. Because we won a soccer game?

Just crunch the numbers, Stuart. Rampant unemployment. Your dollar is basically valueless. You owe billions to other countries. You can't win a war for... And what's more, you dominated a game of football. and you deserve to win it. Yeah, that doesn't make us a third world nation.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're right. You're right about that, John. In a third world nation, you would have seen desperate people huddled around television sets, just waiting for one moment of football joy to distract them from what is otherwise, just a bleak and unforgiving life.

Like this! It's bleaker than most. Oh, come on. I think you're just a little upset. I think you're just a little upset that the world's greatest superpower is becoming one of the world's greatest soccer powers. That's right. Mm-hmm. Soccer.

Mm-hmm. Yes. Denial. I've been there, John. Don't worry. Life gets easier from here. There's a lot less pressure on you. Your flag gets set on fireless. Your abysmal math scores are now ranked as pretty good, considering. Let's be honest, for the most powerful country in the world, you're not. country in the world, you were in pretty bad shape. But for a third world country, you're easily in the top five. Easily. And now, no longer, are you going to have to act like you're above the rest of the planet's favorite sport?

All right. Well, thank you very much, John. By the way, you're obviously going against Germany in the next round. Yes, yeah, I'm looking forward to that. That's a difficult match. So I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm looking forward to. All right. Well, if Germany gives you guys England your side, any trouble? Uh-huh. And you need America to swoop in and... Thank you so much! You, John! Oliver, everybody.

The entire world, except obviously for France and Italy, is ablaze with World Cup fever. But what does this World Cup mean to Africa? John Oliver finds out in his first dispatch from South Africa. Land known for its stunning vistas, magnificent wildlife, and all the sounds of nature.

And now this. The first African World Cup. The first World Cup held. African soil. To learn more about this landmark event, I headed to beautiful Johannesburg to meet the spokesman for the World Cup Committee. This is the first African World Cup. This is going to put Africa on the map.

On the map. And they've made this World Cup as African as can be, starting with the official song by a local artist named Shakira. What tribe is she from? Well, she's not actually African She's Colombian. African Colombian doesn't matter. The point is she's not white.

Yes. She's even honored Africa by performing an oil face in her videos. But that was just the beginning. Outside the stadium, it was an explosion of African culture. Brought to you by. From the beverages to the food to the traditional African hand-carved FIFA ballpoint pens. They even provided the live.

The United the local street vendors who'd been working the stadiums for decades with their own special zone, conveniently located nowhere near bothersome customers. FIFA has imposed one kilometer radius from the stadium. Street vendors would not be allowed to trade. People that have been preferred in this world cup would be the McDonalds, the Coca-Cola's and all these European companies. Then you'll tell me what is African about that? Well, let me put it you this way. What's more African?

than the subjugation of black people. Right? We don't eat hamburgers as South Africans or as African people. We want to entertain the visitors with the local food. Does any of that food come with a free toy like a little plastic leopard kicking a football? You sound funny that question to me. Do you know how much South African government, our own government, has contributed to this welcome?

About $5 billion. We need medication, we need hospitals, we need education, we need hospitals, we need education. We need education. What is primary here is for us to find a way of earning a living. Clearly, he was ignoring all the local jobs being created, like World Cup security agents, to protect Africans from being exploited by having their views heard. Can I see the permit?

As they impounded our cameras, I realized the organizers had struck the perfect balance. You don't want to make it too African. Not at all. You want to give people just enough Africa to intrigue them, not so much that it terrifies them. Of course. What you do is you pick what you want

and you leave out what you don't want. And the one thing they did want... This is going to be the noisiest world cup. Right. Because of our cultural instrument called Vauvazales. Right. If you're not used to it, get used to it. This is the instrument that they will like

when they go, but at the end of it, they'll go. Why wouldn't they like it? It's ridiculous. It's not noisy. There's nothing irritating about this. There's nothing irritating. Even as I reveled in the World Cup spirit, it saddened me to think of all the Africans in places like the infamous township of Soweto

who wouldn't get to experience it. But then, as I played with a local Soweto team, laughing and injointed, enjoying the game that had brought us together. I knew I had found the true spirit of the African World Cup. And I realized how I could give it to them. Let's show them what Africa is all about! Official FIFA licensed snow globe bought from a licensed retailer. That's, yeah.

Okay, okay, okay. I've got something for you. Soy blend scented candles. Come on, it's relaxing. This is going to get you. This is the one I've been holding back. Boom. Come on. Explain to you the importance of the licensing system.

Ah, they'd get it someday. Later that night, as we watched the opening game in a Soweto-Shabin, and as we saw South Africa score the first goal of the World Cup, bringing joy to an entire country, I had to admit, this African World Cup might not be perfect, but it's absolutely amazing. Now if they would just stop with those fiend,

Vooverzellas. There was one big story coming out of the World Cup knockout round. It was the refereeing. Terrible calls. The Americans had two clearly legal goals disallowed. Argentina was awarded a goal off-sides. And if this absolutely good goal had been allowed for England, Germany would only have handed them their asses four to two.

I'm sorry, I'm... I meant their bums. Not to mention, I have no idea how the officials let this guy play for Argentina. What is that? That's not even indigenous. There's no reason. Obviously, the subjective officiating is just one of the hurdles that soccer faces in catching on here in America. Can soccer have a lasting appeal to an American audience?

For answers, we turn to Daily Show resident expert, John Hodgman, and you're welcome. Thank you so much. Thank you for joining us. We're delighted to have you here. Thank you, John, and you're welcome. But really, the World Cup, why are we still talking about this? This is ancient history. Ancient history, John, it's still going on. Well, yeah, the United States has been eliminated, so who cares? I mean, the only people who care about the World Cup now are sad, obsessive soccer nerds

trying to relive the glory of their college days. I imagine that's directed at me. Yes, that's... That's why I was staring at you. The problem with the World Cup, John, starts with the name the World Cup. The, no problem, good strong article. Cups, where would our drinks be without them? And what does that leave us?

World. Don't say that word. You know, John, I was listening to the radio the other day. Trying to get in touch with the average Joseph cares about. And I heard a man who made a lot of sense on this subject. The soccer thing, I hate it so much, probably, because the rest of the world likes it so much, and they riot over it,

and they continually try to jam it down our throat. Wait a moment. If you think about it, Glenn Beck makes a lot of sense. And if you don't think about it, he makes even more sense. At every level, soccer represents a completely alien worldview to the American.

Americans, for example, are accustomed to games with excitement, born of fierce competition and the occasional scoring of points. But that's, that's, that's soccer. No, John, no, no. Soccer is some swarthy Dutchman rolling around on the field, pretending to have a near-fatal stubbed toe.

There is, there is a bit of exaggeration at times. Diving is a tactical thing. Well, that brings me in my first solution for soccer. Eliminate socialized medicine. What is that, what does that have to do with soccer? Well, John, think of the lesson it sends to the children. No matter how minor are fictitious their injury, soccer players still get on the spot world-class.

the spot world-class medical attention, whisked away on free government stretchers, and cured with European magical healing spray, until they're well enough to get back on the government dole or field. By which I mean dole. It has to stop, John. John, you're suggesting that injured players not receive medical attention? No, I'm just saying we should do it the way we do it in America. If a player is injured on the field, he goes bankrupt and loses his house. The free market never blows a call, John. Part of the appeal

of the World Cup is its universality. It's a simple game uniting diverse cultures where everyone is equal, meeting literally, on a level playing field. Very, very sweet, John. I was a college sophomore once too. But here in the real world, I see a little problem with your

egalitarian paradise. Now, who are the countries who are still in the quarter of finals, for example? Brazil, Parway, Spain, Argentina, Germany. You see the pattern? You see the pattern, don't you? They're a good soccer team. No, John, no. They're all countries that gave safe haven to Nazi war criminals. Wait, Paraguay, Brazil, Argentina.

Come on, John, don't be naive. Have you even seen the boys from Brazil? Wait, the U.S. lost to Ghana. That doesn't fit in with your theory. Oh, sorry, John. You're saying there's no such thing as an African-born crypto-fascist tyrant. Look who's in the White House, John! How much Glenn Beck have you been listening to?

A lot. All right. The point is, John, you can't expect Americans to enjoy a game that is essentially World War II, except this time we lose. Which brings me to my second solution. Let us win. But just let America win. Why?

Yeah, just two or three or four World Cup, so we have a taste. Americans love sports at which they're the best, like basketball and diabetes. Do you believe the World Cup would be more popular if World Cup players had more trouble processing sugar? No. Is that your... No, no. I believe it would be more popular if the World Cup took greater pains to entertain the American audience, which brings me to my final solution.

Apologies to the Brazilian team. Roll it, Chuck. Welcome to solution number three, a soccer, rap video. I'm John H. And I'm here to say, I like to watch soccer, also known as football. It's not just for Europe anymore. It's also a game for American shorts. I'm not here just to sell ruffles.

I'm also here to wrap the soccer, aka football shuffle. I'm pretty sure that that. is sarcasm. By the way, you worked in product placement. That was nice. It was very nice. Product placement. Oh, do you mean ruffles?

America's only corrugated potato chip? Or were you talking about my begrudging endorsement of soccer? Because the fact is, I'm in between advertising gigs right now, and I'll take anything I can get. Thank you very much. John Hodgman, everybody. We'll be right back. The 2018 FIFA World Cup officially kicked off today in Russia. And look, I know for most Americans, the World Cup is an important.

You know, it ranks somewhere between a mid-season WNBA game and the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. But for the rest of the world, this tournament is as big as it gets because it's not just about the sport. It's a chance for the coast country to rebrand itself. And if there's one country that could use some good publicity, it's Russia. The month-long competition is expected to bring more than a million people to Russia and attract more than 3 billion television viewers worldwide.

A global sporting event of this scale is the perfect stage. for a host nation to promote itself to the world, to boost its image. Vladimir Putin is desperate for the world to see only the positive images coming out of his country. You can get to know Russia, a unique country with a long history and rich culture. Not bad, not bad at all. Not bad. Not bad. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I like this new hospitable side of Putin, you know. Yeah, he's like if the Trevago guy had a history of shooting down airplanes, you know? Yeah, it's a cool mix.

But I understand why Putin is so excited for Russia to be hosting the World Cup. Because, you see, as a South African, I saw how hosting the tournament gave our country an opportunity to change our image. Right? Before the World Cup, when people thought South Africa, they thought crime, AIDS, racism. But then, thanks to the World Cup, now when you think of South Africa, you think of this. You see, no more racism. Huh? Yeah. And by the way, before you judge us,

we may blow vovozellas, but you guys elected one. So chill, all right? Yeah. How about you chill? Just chill. Chill. And now, now, to most people,

Vladimir Putin is already beyond redemption. He annexed Crimea. He meddled in the U.S. elections. And worst of all, he bit Beyonce and framed Sanaleithen. But that doesn't mean that Russia won't give an image rehab its best shots. Russia's singing grannies are on a mission. To give Russia a friendlier face for the World Cup.

These bubbly babushkas have penned a World Cup anthem and produced a pop video to go with it. The message to foreign football fans, you have nothing to fear from Russia. I won't scare you, Anna says. I'll hug you, I'll kiss you, I'll sing and dance, for you. Okay, now I'm scared.

A little turned on, but mostly scared. Yeah, because it feels like these super friendly Russian grannies are trying a little too hard. You know, like the nicer they are to me, the more worried I am that it's all a trap and she's just going to push me in an oven at the end. And those human nesting dolls may have seemed a little over-enthusiastic,

but at least they know how to be basically friendly, because apparently the rest of Russia has to take classes. Russians will even smile at you. Ahead of the World Cup, train conductors here have been taught to forget the frowns and give foreigners big, shiny smiles to match the big, shiny new stadiums. I don't know, man.

I feel like the only thing worse than a non-smiling Russian is a smiling Russian. This is smile? smile, yes, I show teeth, yeah, and then when do I bite? No, no, no, no, there's no biting. Why show teeth is no bite? So, so look, on the face of it, Russia is trying to project a friendly image. But unfortunately, there is a dark side of their country that they can't cover up. For instance, it's been reported that gay men who are kissing in public will be reported to the police.

And I'm assuming gay women kissing must report directly to Vladivladen. There's also been a rise in Russian fans singing racist chants, which wouldn't be a problem if y'all just kept the Vuvuzelles. Oh, and as for freedom of the press, it's safe to say that you probably shouldn't say anything, as journalists from the BBC recently found out. It is the increasingly paranoid controlling side that's clearly there behind the makeover for the World Cup. The whole time we've been here in Nish Nate, seems there's been somebody following a

at least one car, sometimes three. Minutes after we met local opposition activists, there was this. The pair at the door said they'd come from state television to interviewers, but we hadn't told anyone we'd be here. Yes, we are here to do interview. Now please speak directly into microphone. Now I show teeth.

Let's take a moment to talk about the World Cup. It's the world's biggest soccer tournament, when every four years, the best players from the best country is gathered to compete until one team is declared champion of the world, or until someone kicks the ball through the neighbor's window and we all run home. Now, because I'm from the world, I love the World Cup.

So let's catch up on everything happening in Qatar with a new installment of our World Cup coverage. 32 World Cup is being hosted by Qatar, a Middle Eastern country with a deep and rich history of having oil. And if you've been following the news, you know, that there's been some controversies over Qatar hosting the World Cup. You know, like, did Qatar offer bribes to FIFA to be the host?

Did Qatar exploit migrant workers to build the soccer stadiums? Are we pronouncing Qatar right? Is it Qatar or is it Qatar or is it Qatar? And if we mumble it, do you think they'll notice? All of these are questions. For one of the biggest controversies that Qatar has, has been the fact that they have very strict laws prohibiting same-sex relationships. And these anti-gay policies are causing some tension on the picture.

Amid the cheers of World Cup fans, controversy is simmering. It's over the host country, Qatar, and other nations' treatment of LGBTQ people. Rainbow imagery, a sudden flashpoint after FIFA demanded the captains of seven European teams not wear this armband in support of LGBTQ causes, insisting the captains where FIFA sanctioned bands. The team captains of several countries say they will not be wearing the rainbow-colored one-love armbands as they had intended, after FIFA threatened to give players yellow cards just for doing so. After receiving two yellow cards, of course,

a player will face a one-match suspension. Yeah, that's right. The captains of seven European teams planned to show their support of the LGBTQ community by wearing rainbow armbands. But then, when FIFA threatened them with yellow cards, they scrapped the idea, which, in my opinion, shows that you're not the ally

you claim to be, right? And just like, hey, I support your right to live. free from persecution unless I get a warning in a game where I kick a ball, then I'm out. You gaze on your own. I'm just saying, that's a yellow card. I mean, ha ha, ha. Like a yellow card. It's not even like you're out, just a warning and you're like, yeah, no, no, I caught.

I tried. And by the way, the rainbow ban has got to be hard for the referees too. You know, that's risky because the referees are out there and they're like, yellow card, red card. Oh, wait, we just started a rainbow. No! Don't take me away! Oh, a little crazy story.

as well. If you happen to be in China watching the World Cup, you probably are missing some things because on the government TV network, you'll barely see any footage of the fans at all. Yeah, because China doesn't want its citizens to see people from every other country enjoying themselves without wearing masks. Yeah, because they're like, they just don't want them to know that that's possible, you know? Yeah, and I mean, it sounds crazy, but it's the same way Canadian TV censors their footage, she'll never show fans. behaving rudely because then Kennes would be like, wait, other people are telling others to fuck off? We didn't know we could do that. Hey! But maybe my favorite part of the World Cup is seeing how people from different parts of the world find ways to yell at each other.

Because remember, a lot of the teams have coaches who are not from their country. You know, like, for instance, Saudi Arabia's coach is actually French. He doesn't speak Arabic, but the Saudi translator doesn't speak French. So when the coach got mad at the team's performance in the first half,

he had to yell at them in English so that the translator could yell at them in Arabic. That's how is the way in here? Messi, at the middle of the beach, he has the ball, you stay in front of the defense. You want to worry to go to Mark him in the middle? Take your phone, you can make a picture with him, if you want. He has the door.

You're in front of the defense. This is the magic of the World Cup, people. A French man yelling in English to a group of Saudis about a British sport. It's beautiful. I also wonder if the translator is augmenting the message so he doesn't lose any friends. He's just like, you are terrible. You are suck. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Is what he said. Because you know me, Mahmoud. I love you guys. I thought you were great in the first stop. I thought you guys were great. Now, so far, this World Cup. has had a lot of great moments. You know, Saudi Arabia pulled up a huge upset

over Powerhouse Argentina. Mexico had a heroic penalty save against Poland. Wales proved to the whole world that they are a different country than England. And one of the most exciting moments was when Japan defeated Germany in an incredible match. But my favorite part of that game was what the Japanese fans did after it.

When Japan beat Germany, fans were ecstatic, right? But instead of leaving after the match to celebrate, hundreds of Japanese fans stayed in the stadium and picked up the trash up the trash that other fans left behind. Pictures on social media, so the Japanese fans threading their way through the seats, making sure the stadium was tidy before leaving.

Some online comments, calling them the best guests in the world. Wow. That is amazing. Unfortunately, all of those Japanese fans were arrested because the Qatari police deemed the act of tidying up, quote, kind of gay. Now, I'm not going to lie. This is one of the most amazing things to see.

And you see it at every World Cup. It'll be Japan, it'll be South Korea. And I think it's a valuable lesson to all of us. If you're throwing a party, make sure you invite Japanese fans to your house because then you don't have to clean up. And you know, if you ask me, though, this is a huge flex from the Japanese fans.

Everyone's like, oh, it's so humbles. No, it's a flex. What is it more baller move than beating somebody and then cleaning up after them? Yeah. Like here. Oh, let me take out your trash.

Oh, did you drop this? Did you drop this? Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. We'll clean up. You guys can go and figure out how to play soccer. Yeah, we'll just do that.

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