The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Triumph's Election Coverage

Episode Date: December 20, 2024

In the leadup to the election, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog took us behind the scenes of the presidential race with special reports on undecided voters, the VP debate spin room, and Trump’s MSG rally.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast the weekly show. It's gonna be coming out every Thursday so exciting you'll you'll be saying yourself TGI D Thank God. It's Thursday We're gonna be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me the election economics earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio

on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's me, Michael Kosta. The Daily Show is on break for the holidays,

but in the meantime, we put together some special highlights for you. We'll be back in the new year on January 7th with all new episodes. All right. Welcome to our focus group of undecided voters. Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices. I want to stress that there is nobody masturbating behind this two-way mirror, no matter what you hear.

So as undecideds, let's go around the room. Tell us your name and what your f***ing problem is. We've never had worse choices in my opinion. I don't like either candidate. Same as other people said, I'm not really crazy about either candidate. Okay, I see some of you feel you need more information about the candidates. And I get it. We know so little about Trump and Biden.

Apart from their campaign issues, their actions as president, their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments, whom handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments, whom they've showered with, and a very detailed description of Trump's penis from a former porn star. But we still don't know. Okay. If you're leaning towards Biden, please raise your hand. If you're leaning towards Biden, if you're leaning toward Trump, raise your hand.

Okay, raise it at the 45 degree angle, please. A little straighter. Don't bend the elbow. That's good. It's a Hitler joke. You see, because you support a fascist. All right, we're having fun. because you support a fascist order. We're having fun. Okay, raise your hand if you feel like

voters are easily manipulated. Who doesn't think so? Okay, now lower your hands. Okay, now raise them again. Okay, now lower them again. Okay, now lower them again. Raise them up one more time. Raise both hands. Now lower one.

Now everyone say, I cannot be manipulated. Which candidate would you have a beer with? Which candidate would you go to a baseball game with? Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Gentle. Gentle. Gentle. Yeah. Yeah. Which candidate would you want to be behind in a human centipede? And keep in mind, no matter what you answer, we will all think you're disgusting. OK. This is tough, guys.

I mean, I sense you find yourselves undecided about a lot of things. My problem is I'm not sure which one's going to die first. Thomas, I just have to ask, why are you struggling with this decision when you had no problem deciding to leave the barbershop with those sideburns? Seriously.

It's like my mom always used to say, shit or get off the lawn. It's your civic duty. Yes. Would you agree with that? Yes, I would agree with that. What is your gut telling you? I mean, other than seat belts do not come in my size.

I can't trust Biden or Trump, so. Okay, I bet you I like RFK. RFK Jr., interesting. Also known as the evidence that the candidates f*** each other. Okay, maybe this will help you guys decide between the candidates. Here are two sandwiches, all right? One is old and moldy, and the other has chlamydia.

Raise your hand if you're eating the sandwich on its deathbed, or raise your left hand if you want the sandwich that we have on tape using the N-word. Okay, they're having their first debate. Do you hope the moderators will ask Trump and Biden the really tough questions, like, do you know where you are? And can you breathe on this mirror?

They're probably going to call out each other on stuff. Both sides are constantly saying, this is the end of democracy. Both sides agree. So maybe instead of worrying about all this voting stuff, we should just decide on an escape plan. Does anyone have a bunker? Thomas, you look like you already live underground. Will the other more people mind if we crash? It was time to switch tactics. Perhaps if they practiced making any kind of decision, it would prepare them for November. You've all been given Cheesecake Factory menus to share.

Now take a look at them and make a choice. You can do this. Fried calamari. A lot of options. Entrees. Ooh, I know what I usually get. I say fried calamari. American or Cheap food?

I usually get only chicken. That's my favorite. Don't tell me you. I'm better at everything. I'm better at everything. I'm better at everything. IFaith wife. I'm telling you. It's not a golf club. Damn it. Alright, you know what? Forget it. Forget it.

I knew that wouldn't work. At this stage, there was only one option left. Look, you guys have barely given me anything, so I'm just going to tell you who you're voting for. Daryl, you're going to miss election day because there weren't any reminders on Pornhub. Pauline, you want a safer, brighter future for your children, so you're going to move to Ukraine. Thomas, I think you should just stay home. This is a big one, very important election. We need you to sit it out.

And Mark, whatever you decide, I recommend you listen to your heart. Or at least let a medical professional listen to you. Thank you all for being here. We've learned a lot. We'll see you in four years when you can't decide between voting for AOC or Kyle Rittenhouse. Welcome to the 2024 vice presidential debate, the debate between one man who thinks Trump is a mentally ill fascist psychopath and Tim Walz. It's a great battle between JD Vance and what he'd look like after four years as Trump's vice president. Tonight marks the third debate of this election that Joe Biden will sleep through.

And as you can see, the atmosphere in the spin room is electric. Quiet everyone. The debate is just about to start. And here in the spin room, there's a palpable dead silence that one can only compare to the sound Melania makes when Donald Trump is inside her. So there's an application called the CVP One App, where you can go on as an illegal migrant. So far the candidates have been quite civil and respectful to each other.

Yes? Boring! How you doing? What do you think so far? Very substantive. Substantive, I know. I want to turn to the show about the Menendez, bro. These guys have much more chemistry. For all of us here at CBS News, thank you and good night.

A lot of people are reacting to the debate. Rachel Maddow said it was a slam dunk for the Democrats. But Mark Robinson said the video was so boring, he couldn't even finish. I'm here with Illinois governor, J.B. Pritzker. Everyone loves Tim Walz, right? He's so cute with his round face. He's like a cabbage patch of dough.

On the one hand, a guy who's got real heart. On the other side, you got a guy who's, frankly, we're concerned might be eating a dog's heart. And so I'm worried about you. You know what? I was concerned about you. I have to be honest. For a second, he looked at me like I was a chocolate eclair. I swear to God.

How do you say it's tampon, Tim did? I remember he did in the boys' room. In the bathroom. Why did he do that? Well, here's what really doesn't make no sense. If he's okay with putting tampons in a bathroom, what's his big problem with installing a couple of douchebags in the White House?

Problem with tampons? This is legendary. Senator and former astronaut Mark Kelly, as a former astronaut, do you have any plans to reveal the name of JD Vance's home planet? You know, that stuff's classified. If he just doesn't try to get caught up in how big the moment is. It's a big moment.

Something's funny over here. I smell pills and cocaine. There we go. I'm waiting to talk to the great senator, Katie Britt, whose post-State of the Union speech last January is now considered a Halloween holiday classic. Don, how do you feel about JD Vance? Is it hard to see your dad ignoring someone besides you I guess none of these Republican spin bitches are going to talk to a liberal daily show

dog but I do know who they would talk to gather round the Hulksters here who wants some spins from the Hulkster what you gonna do when JD's mascara ones wild brother what you gonna do when I ask for a lift home brother how about some bus fare brother the Hulkster needs bus fare who's that behind me is that a Democrat oh yeah Jasmine Crockett she She's going down. And protect them and they don't have. Brother you're lucky I don't throw a punch at you right now that Mrs. Jersey will have a foot. The Hulkster's here to spin the debate for you.

Tapper. I've met Hulk Hogan. You're not Hulk Hogan. Listen to me Jake Tapper. I didn't spend my career beating up immigrants to let that Kamala take over, dude. People got to understand, I know Kamala. Back when she was Kamala the Ugandan giant. What is this? Triumph. Triumph, what's going on? I'm not Triumph.

Van Jones here. Oh, Van Jones. Hi, Van. I'm here to spin. Jake. Oh, Van Jones. Hi, Van. Yeah, I'm here to spin. Oh, it was Jake. What we saw that night... You're weeping. What we saw that night was two men coming together, putting aside their differences and focusing on the issues. I can't hold it together. It was so beautiful, Jake. That's not, that is not how he cries.

Who's got a question for Mimo? J.D.'s little Mimo. That's me. For the Mimo of DJ D-Vance. Oh, hi Jake. That's me. I'm for the Mimol, DJ D-Vance. Oh hi Jake. It's Mamo. Mimol. Mimol?

But it's spelled Mamo. Sorry. Did you make these? You Jewish people don't know how it's spelled. It's okay. I'm not Jewish. What makes you think I'm Jewish? Things aren't that bad, Jake.

You don't have to deny it. My boy, my little JD, is the American dream. He started out in rural Ohio, and now all the people he grew up with can turn on the TV and say, there's the hometown boy who's going to cut off my Medicaid. Oh! Oh! Oh! Moments there that I think Walt sort of let slide and allowed Vance to-

Triumph, you can come over here. Triumph, you wanna come? We're live on CNN. Oh boy. This is Triumph the Insult. So you know it's almost 1 a.m. This is Triumph the Insult comic. So I don't know that you're miked. I'm miked. You're stuck with me. We're not gonna make fun of Debbie Vance's grandmother, but thank-

The Hulkster, how about the Hulkster? The Hulk. This is Triumph signing off from the greatest vice presidential debate in history. For me to poop on. It's time for a brand new season of Survivor. And you know what that means. It means it's also a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire. Here's our goal with this podcast.

We bring you inside the how and the why of what we do on the show. And we do it from three different points of view. You have the producer in me, you have the fan in Jay, who also happens to be our executive producer of this podcast. And then we bring you the insight from a former player.

And this season it is Survivor 46 runner up, Charlie Davis. Welcome to the team, Charlie. Well, Jeff, I know firsthand that playing from the couch and playing on the island, completely different. So I hope you tune in. Every single week, we're gonna dissect the strategy, the misfires and mistakes that change the game. If you want more Survivor than just 90 minutes,

this is where you get it. On Fire, the only official Survivor podcast. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get your podcasts. -♪ We are here outside Madison Square Garden, witnessing a caravan of migrants invading Manhattan. I didn't think it was possible to have more white people here

than a Rangers game. The last time Donald Trump had this many New Yorkers in the palm of his hand he was doing it to impress Jeffrey Epstein. Trump rally to the right! To the right folks, come on! Okay, whoops, sorry. Wait, wait, wait. Let me just stand right here. Okay, you're good. You're good. Okay. USA! USA!

Look at you. My good. Look at this getup. Holy crap. I almost wore that, you know? But thankfully, my meds kicked in. You see? Because it's upset. Where are you two from? Annapolis, Maryland. Oh, out of towners. So tell me, since you arrived in New York City, how many times have you been murdered?

So you're a big Trump fan. Yes. I tell you what, at least Trump's the legitimate nominee. Kamala, you know, it was like a coup, right? They handed her the nomination. You're right. She still has to get past Trump. Yes.

Which for a woman is very hard to do without pepper spray. Everyone outside is like, Oh, it's a Nazi rally, right? That is true. No, this is nothing like a Nazi rally. The Nazis were in shape, first of all. They took care of themselves, unlike this guy over here, right? Seriously, when I look at you, it makes me think that groceries aren't expensive enough.

I kid, I kid. It's not a Nazi rally. I hate when people use that term. When they call Trump a Nazi, he's the candidate preferred by Nazis. He's the candidate preferred by Nazis. Here's another issue that drives me crazy. Inflation, am I right? It's crazy right now. Can you believe it's costing Elon Musk $1 million per voter to steal the election? It's a disgrace. The Democrats are running on abortion a lot, right?

That's a big issue in this election. What would you say to people worried about losing that right? Aside from what is it like to have sex? Going across our borders Foreigners are destroying American jobs. Did you know that just one illegal immigrant caused six thousand people to lose their jobs at Twitter? One illegal immigrant caused 6,000 people to lose their jobs at Twitter? This guy, Elon something. Well, that's a good point. That's a good point. What's the biggest seller today?

Right here. This one, this one, and all it has. You know what though? I got some merch. What you got? If he loses, the election was stolen. What if he wins, you say? Look, the election was not stolen.

Okay, how about this one? To commemorate the Trump rally at Madison Square Garden, I'm with 20,000 stupids. Arrows all around. Wow. I think it's gonna be a big seller. This is a human dog collar. A lot of Trump fans can wear this. If found, return to Staten Island.

Guys, we gotta fix you up with some merch. I'm selling merch, you know. Yeah, especially you. Here, here's what I got for you. I appreciate that. Trump condoms. There you go. Here, here's what they look like. You know, they have more value if you keep them in the wrapper, which I'm sure you won't have any problem doing. And then here, you can also have these. These are the Arnold Palmer size. I got a question for you. Are you'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,'t he? He is a good hero. I mean, because being a hero is all about sacrifice. And that man has sacrificed every principle he ever had to endorse Donald Trump. Between him and me, that's two of us who've had their balls cut off.

How much better is Kamala? Donald Trump doesn't need notes. Donald Trump does not need notes to stand and wander around the stage while Ave Maria plays six times. You're absolutely right. You can't put a soundtrack of laughter on this.

Oh, I don't need one. Listen to those people. Let me hear it, Daily Show! Trust me, the liberals are going nuts. Yes. I'm sorry, I don't mean to insinuate that Trump is out of his mind. I'm stating it bluntly, Trump is out of his mind. USA! USA!

Yeah! F*** your party! I gotta say, it's a nice crowd, but a lot of angry white guys here. Now to admit, what do you think is less likely? That Haitians are eating cats, or that any of the guys here have ever eaten ****. What? What?

Eat the kids! Eat the kids! Eat the kids! Trump's trying to get it. Why do you think Trump... Put this guy in the bathroom! Get the punchline, then shit on me. This microphone is **** with a colorful New Yorker! Alright, these people are out of their minds. I'm going to have to change into something

that will command more respect around here. Okay, let's do this! How's everyone doing, huh? Trump, Trump, Trump, here we go! Look at my old friend. We both took a poop on Nancy Pelosi's desk, right? I don't know about that. I don't remember, come on!

What a dump, what a dump we took in there. Oh, here we go! Here we go! We're storming the Capitol! I want to storm a schnauzer's vagina. Who's with me? Folks, we're on the verge of something very special. Can you feel it?

You know, the other side, they'll talk about record low unemployment, record high stock market infrastructure, blah blah blah. But this election is more than about issues that quote unquote affect us. This election is personal. Am I right? It's about sticking it to those elitist liberals. Yeah! Those elitist who hate billionaires. Yeah! But you know what? On November 5th, those elitist, they're going to be the ones crying. And we're going to be the ones drinking.

Yeah! Liberal tears! Liberal tears! Woo! Liberal tears! Everybody, liberal tears! I love them! Liberal tears. Everybody, liberal tears. I love them salty liberal tears. I won't have Medicare in two years.

But at least I'll know that there's liberal tears. Liberal tears. Liberal tears. L-I-B-R-U-L, liberal tears. The world's in the shitter, but I'm spiteful and thither. We're all throwing mud in, the oceans are flooding. And just as a bonus, my billionaire zonas, my candidates lying. The planet is dying,' But liberals are cryin' So I say, three cheers!

Hip, hip, hooray! Cause my dream is to drown in them liberal kids I. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way

that they obsess me. the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart

wherever you get your podcasts.