The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | Trump vs. The World

Episode Date: August 29, 2025

Running down some of the fights Donald Trump has gotten into with... everyone, everywhere, all at once. Desi Lydic covers Trump's announcement that the U.S. would "take over" the Gaza strip. Jordan Klepper unpacks Trump's disputes with both sides during his belated attempts to end the Russia / Ukraine war on day one. Desi takes a look at Trump's international relations with various international visits to the White House. Jon Stewart tries to explain Trump's heel turn on Ukraine with help from professional wrestling. Ronny Chieng checks in on Greenland after Trump threatened invasion, looks at his strange claims about South Africa, and Trump's on and off trade wars. Klepper follows Trump's adventures through the middle east. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. I have a whole script here full of important issues that I want to talk about. And I'm not going to let Donald Trump distract me with some crazy new idea. This morning, a stunning proposal from an American president. Donald Trump with the Israeli prime minister by his side, declaring that the U.S. will take over the Gaza Strip. The U.S. will take over the Gaza Strip. We'll own it. Okay, let me just ask, what? And also, what? President Trump made a surprising suggestion last night

during a press conference with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu the United States, he said, should take over the war-torn Gaza Strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort. We have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal and I don't want to be cute, I don't want to be a wise guy, but the Riviera of the Middle East. What the f***? Trump is going to turn Gaza into the Riviera.

He couldn't even turn Atlantic City into a nicer Atlantic City. Crazy. If anything, they tore down so many of his casinos. He turned Atlantic City into Gaza. But, okay, he wants to rebuild it, and he wants to turn it into Mar-a-Lago. At least the Palestinians will have a place to go back to. Donald Trump calling for the permanent resettlement of roughly two million Palestinians. I don't think people should be going back to Gaza.

I think that Gaza's been very unlucky for them. And he says he's willing to use the U.S. military to do it. We'll do what is necessary. If it's necessary, we'll do that. Okay, just so I'm clear, your idea is to take over Gaza, rebuild it into Mar-a-Lago, and make sure that the Palestinians who live there can't go back? That is the craziest thing he said

since yesterday and until tomorrow. Even his chief of staff was shocked. Look at that. Look at her face. She looks just like she won Best Country Album at the Grammy. And of course, shocked. He's effectively advocating

for ethnic cleansing. Who could possibly be okay with that? You see things others refuse to see. You say things others refuse to say. And after the jaws drop, people scratch their heads

and they say, you know, he's right. No, they usually scratch their heads and they say, what the fuck are you talking about? Of course, Bibi is ecstatic at Trump's idea. Look at him. He looks happier than a teenager getting a handjob in the back of a birthright bus.

But Bibi aside, this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash. Trump ran his whole campaign on America first, and now he's out there chanting from the Riviera to the sea. Even Trump's Republican allies aren't on board. although, of course, they have to let him down easy. We're trying to get the details of it. It was a surprising development. Senator Josh Hawley says, quote,

I don't know that I think it's the best use of U.S. resources to spend a bunch of money in Gaza. We also heard from Senator Lindsey Graham. I think most South Carolinians would probably not be excited about sending Americans to take over Gaza. I think that might be problematic. Tom Tillis likely with the quote of the night, which was, there are probably a couple kinks in that slinky.

There's a couple kinks in that slinky. That's how desperate these guys are to not openly disagree with Trump. They're just making up sayings now. Of course, some of his supporters like Steve Ducey are trying to give Trump the benefit of the doubt. It was a jaw dropper last night. The cover of the New York Post is we'll take over Gaza. I think this is just the tipping. You know, this is the conversation starter.

Because obviously, the president knows when he says, will take Gaza. He knows the United States can't invade another country. Of course, America would never invade another country. You can read all about it in Steve Ducey's American history book, Me Just Got Lobotomy, by Steve Ducey. So to summarize, MAGA people think this is dicey. Their eyeballs think it's bad shit crazy. And the entire plan is DOA, unless Trump can do some real outreach to the countries in the Middle East. And based on his response to reporters from Afghanistan, I don't think he has the skills to do it. I'm from Afghanistan. My name is Ms. Gaila, Afghanistan, as our expectation from you.

Do we have any plan to change Afghanistan situation? I have a little hard time understanding you. Where are you from? Actually, it's a beautiful voice and a beautiful accent. The only problem is I can't understand the word you're saying. But I just say this, good luck, live in peace. Good luck, live in peace. Why does he sound like he's saying goodbye to E.T. The people of earth wish you peace.

May your slinky have no kinks. Remember during the campaign, Donald Trump made some big promises about how quickly and easily he was going to end that war. If I'm president, I will have that war settled in one day, 24 hours. I would tell Putin got to settle. I would tell Zelensky, you got to settle. I would get a settlement in 24 hours. No longer than one day, I can get it ended as president-elect.

I will get it settled before I even become president. I'm going to do it back to the future and end this war before it even starts. Go back in time, kiss by mom. maybe have sex with her. What am I talking about? What was I talking about? So here we are. One month into that first 24 hours, and Donald Trump is finally ready to negotiate. But it's going to be tough, which is why he started out with a quick warm-up negotiation first. An old-fashioned prisoner swap with Russia. Let's see how it went. Russia freed a wrongfully detained American teacher. Mark Vogel returning to the U.S. after more than three years in Russian captivity,

imprisoned for carrying a small amount of medically prescribed marijuana. In exchange, the U.S. releasing Russian cybercrime kingpin Alexander Vinnick. What? You traded a cybercrime kingpin for public school teacher Mark Fogel? This is like if the Dallas Mavericks traded Luca Donchich for public school teacher Mark Fogel. I mean, at least the teacher we got back is the cool teacher. He smokes weed and he's been to jail.

I mean, you know, you know he's showing movies in fourth period. Also, Americans, stop smoking weed in Russia. If you need to relax, try not being in Russia. Okay, okay, now that Trump got all warmed up, it's time for the main event. This morning, President Trump pledging to meet with Russian President Putin in person after announcing they've agreed to start negotiations immediately to end the war in Ukraine. President Trump saying, quote, I just had a lengthy and highly productive phone call with President Vladimir Putin of Russia.

We discussed Ukraine, the Middle East, energy, artificial intelligence, the power of the dollar, and various other subjects. I'd like to know what those various other subjects were. I mean, it's a tad suspicious. It's like a husband coming back from a Vegas bachelor party saying, yeah, we ate some great food, we saw the sphere,

did various other things. Anyway, you should get a prescription for Valtrex. So, Trump has now set the stage for face-to-face negotiations with Putin and the future of Ukraine. But Trump won't be going into this alone. He also has Defense Secretary Pete Hegeset, a man who does not take no for an answer

according to police reports. So get ready, Putin, because you're about to face the toughest negotiations of your life. Pete Hegeseth, speaking at NATO headquarters during his first trip to Europe, was blunt, saying Ukraine's long-sought membership in NATO isn't realistic.

Neither is thinking Ukraine can regain all the territory Russia has seized. We must start by recognizing that returning to Ukraine's pre-2014 borders is an unrealistic objective. measures that will likely be welcomed by Putin, prompting questions about whether Trump is giving up his leverage to negotiate with Russia. Speaking in unusually blunt terms, the German defense minister accusing the Trump administration

of making concessions to Putin before these peace negotiations have even begun. Okay. So before negotiations even start, America gave up the two things Russia most wants. I mean, how do Hake Seth and Trump not know how to negotiate? Between the two of them, they've been divorced 97 times. I mean, if your opening move is giving away the house, the car, and the kids, best case scenario, you're leaving court with half of a golden retriever. I mean, no one's going to be happy with that, except for maybe R of K Jr. But I guess there's still plenty of stuff to negotiate, for example.

You know, which animal will Zelensky be fed to once the Russians do? take over. Probably a lion, but could be a shark. You know, there's room there. Whichever animal it is, they'll probably fall out of a window. Regardless, Trump is not going to go driving a hard bargain on Ukraine's behalf, and that's fine. But as long as Ukraine is an equal member of this peace process, they'll get some of what they want. Do you view Ukraine as an equal member of this peace process? Um, it's an interesting question. Yight. That's like when my dentist asked if I floss.

Oh! That's an interesting question. I gotta go. Okay. So this is not looking good for Ukraine. Imagine not even being invited to your own peace negotiations. It's like if your wife told you

she wanted a threesome and then asked what night she'll be away on business. Have so much. much fun, sweetie. I'm strong enough for this. It's okay. I had it coming after Vegas. Now, you might think it's unfair to put Ukraine in this position after they were the ones invaded, but that's not exactly how Trump sees things. I think they have to make peace. Their people are being killed, and I think they have to make peace. I said that was not a good war to go into. Not a good war to go into. They were inviating. They were inviated. They were inviated. They were

It wasn't their idea. Little advice for the back of Abraham Lincoln's head. Don't get hit by a bullet. Not smart. As we know, the Ukraine war began in 2022 when Putin invaded Ukraine on three separate fronts while launching missile attacks on Ukrainian cities. Or as Donald Trump puts it, President Trump has made a series of false assertions blaming Ukraine for starting the war.

You should have never started it. You could have made a deal. That's an interesting interpretation in that it's not what happened. In fact, it's the exact opposite of what happened. And this is set off alarm bells for a lot of conservatives, including Brian Kilmead, Trump's buddy and the Joey Tribiani of Fox and Friends. He tried to gently push back when Trump started to blame the destruction of Ukraine on President Zelensky.

You have a man who's led a country. that had the most beautiful cities that they're demolished, had the most beautiful domes. Those domes are the most beautiful in the world. But that's Russia's fault, though, Mr. President. Russia did the... They're all demolished, a thousand-year-old domes. And everything's demolished.

But Mr. President, that's all... That's Vladimir Putin's fault, don't you agree? I get tired of listening to it. He makes it very hard to make deals. But look what's happened to his country. It's been demolished. But no, no, I hear you. He's going to go back.

Mr. President, but you know who's a blame for that. But don't you think it's Vladimir Putin that did the invasion unwarranted to try to take back Landy had no right to? And don't you think fundamentally that's that? And if you could just now both sides want to talk, it seems. So we should just get to that point. They only want to talk because of me. But this is how off the rails Trump is. His beloved Fox News is saying, Mr. President, you sound crazy. And I believe DEI causes. He causes tornadoes. And he's right, not about the DEI causing tornadoes.

We all know trans people cause tornadoes, but about this war. Under Donald Trump, America has fully taken Russia's side, which means are we the bad guys now? Well, that didn't answer that. But I think we might be the bad guys. It's not just Republicans who are alarmed. The entire continent of Europe is freaking the fuck out. If the United States will help Russia take over Ukraine, who's next?

Poland, Latvia, Slovenia, Slovakia, Albania, Estonia. Yeah, I got a 97 in AP geography. Thank you. Thank you. So yesterday, Europe tried to get Trump back on its side by sending over its most charismatic Trump whisper, Emmanuel Macron of France. And right from the start of that meeting,

you could really see how he let his scar down. By the discussion on the minare-critique, he's in trying to finalize. That is the most beautiful language. I have no idea what he said, but that is the... Elegant, beautiful language. Yeah, Trump just loves a French accent.

probably because it's the native tongue of his hero, Pepe Lepeu. Something about that pervert skunk that Trump finds so relatable. But Macron's accent gives him a lot of leeway to gently correct Trump every time he spews bullshit. I mean, this war costs us a lot of money. And this is the responsibility of Russia, because the aggressor is Russia. Europe is loaning the money to Ukraine. They get their money back.

No, in fact, to be frank, We paid. We paid 60% of the total effort. And it was through, like the US, loans, guarantee, grants, and we provided real money. Look at him. Look at that smile. The guy is smitten. Usually if someone confronts him about being wrong,

he takes away their security detail. But he's letting Macron do whatever he wants. I think a sexy accent is his kryptonite. I assumed it was vegetables, but... To be fair, it's not just Macron. Trump was swooning over anyone with a sexy accent. I want to know if you... What is your idea about Italy?

If you want to make the same thing. Can you talk a little louder? You have a beautiful voice, but you don't... Where are you from? It's from Italy. Oh, I love Italy. Oh, oh, Italy. I love that restaurant with the grocery store attached.

Oh, now, I love it. So good. Now tell me, which section are you from? Formaggio, produce, self-checkout? By the way, Trump is the only person on earth who has ever asked an Italian person to talk louder. Of course, as we saw last week, Not every accent does it for him.

Sometimes it just confuses him. Mr. President, people in India would be welcoming your decision to extradite the hub or Rana to eat. I can't understand a word he's saying. Dude, come on. If you don't understand what someone is saying, don't be rude and dismiss them. Just laugh and go, oh my God, that's so crazy,

like a normal person. I mean, is Trump sure that he wants to be president because this is the worst job in the world if you don't understand accent? It's like working as an escort if you're still not a hundred percent sure which hole it's supposed to go in. Although, would that actually make you a great escort? Hmm. I guess we'll never know.

By the way, if you're wondering how tough Indian accents are for Trump, he had to get a translator for it. Not for the language, for the accent. It is evident that how the deep state of United States was involved in regime change. So what is your point of view about the Bangladesh? And what is the role that the deep state created in the situation in Bangladesh? I can't believe Doge is going around looking for inefficiencies. Meanwhile, Trump has an English-to-English translator. Reading, playing, learning.

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for SLR Stellist lenses at your child's next visit. Americans are still trying to process the global realignment that has occurred following the disastrous oval office meeting between the president J.D. Vance and Vladimir Zelensky. What happened, they say?

Are we still America, they say? Who's Sider Way on? They say. It's complicated. The best way that I can explain what happened and show Americans how to process this new reality was with another shocking turn of

events from this weekend. Saturday night at the elimination chamber, the WWE shocked the world as John Sina turned heel, joined the rock, and attacked Cody Rhodes. Now, if that does not immediately explain to you, our current geopolitical climate, you must have grown out of watching wrestling through the normal. course of aging. I, on the other hand, understand this in my bones.

This explains it, folks. All of your shock, all of your disappointment, all of your anger. It's in there. It's in the squared circle. You see, Saturday night. Oh, we're doing this. Saturday night.

John Sina. The good guy of professional wrestling. Mr. Hustle, the champ, the man who stood for everything, truth, justice, the guy who literally holds the record for the most Make-A-Wish Foundation meetings of all times. People would get cancer just to meet John Sina. Last weekend, Sina flipped the script and went from being a face, a good guy, to a huge.

heel, a bad guy. Now, if you don't follow professional wrestling, and I'm guessing if you watch this show, you do not. Such is from, all right. But let me continue to bore you with this metaphor. So here's what happened. The current WWE champion is won Cody Rhodes. Seven people say around.

Cody Rhodes is the people's champ. Unquestioned bravery. He stands in for Zelensky in this metaphor. A couple of weeks ago, the rock, the now evil owner of the WWE, Putin in our story, made Cody Rhodes an offer. The one thing that I want, more than anything in this world,

world is that I want your soul. I want your soul. He wants Zelensky's soul, but sir, but sir, I am smaller and weaker than you. It will take incredible bravery for me to protect my soul and the soul of my people. But luckily, I am not protecting my soul alone, for I have the support of the great John Sina! So, Cody Rhodes, Zelensky, told Vladimir Putin, Rock, no soul for you, motherfucker! And that's when they met in the Oval Office, America went to hug Zelensky, but when America

looked up, somehow Putin had given John Sina the international side. for its time and rather than repudiate Putin, America smelled what the rock was cooking, and through that borshti haze, America delivered the nutshot.

The nutshot to the hopes and dreams of Ukrainians everywhere. And then for no reason, America jumped on Zelensky and started punching him in the face as many times as he good. Too simplistic? This is it!

Am I being too simplistic, assigning to the delicate art of Realpolitik, a scripted outcome? Perhaps, but judge for yourself. Putin broken 25 times, his own signature, 25 times he's broken since fire. You're in no position to dictate what we're going to feel. You're not in a good position. You don't have the cards right now. You're gambling with World War III. You're gambling with World War III.

Have you said thank you once this entire meeting? We gave you through the stupid president, $350 billion. You're either going to make a deal or we're out. This is going to be great television. I will say that. It sure wasn't. But isn't that what you want from the high-stakes diplomacy in real-life urgency? that ending war demands.

And, you know, even reporters got some nutshots in. Why don't you wear a suit? Oh, shit! No, you didn't. Let's do the dozens. Oh, Zelensky, you're so poor and war-torn. You're down to one Brooks brother.

Oh, shit. You've so war-torn, you've given up the meaningless protocol. of business attire. If you think I'm pushing this metaphor, look at the stunned faces in the crowd at WWE. When John Sina turned heel, I now present you the equally stunned faces

of those watching this Oval Office pay-per-view. Scott, I've never seen anything like that. You've never seen anything like that. Wow. Just wow. That was something. Caitlin, I want to start with, look at her face. I mean, Christian. You broke Christiana Ammphor.

The woman wanders unprotected through Taliban-controlled Afghanistan doesn't give a f***. Ten minutes of Trump diplomacy. She's like, is anyone else dizzy? My A1C is plunging. Now, of course, there is one big difference between the WWE and the world of politics. In the WWE, they seem very clear on who the good guys and who the bad guys are. Nobody walked out of the match pretending that the guy who got nut-shotted was the bad guy. There was this attitude of ungratefulness, seeing his smirk, seeing him roll his eyes,

seeing him refer to JD Vance, the vice president as JD. He shows up in his equinox chic outfit to the doggone. Oval Office. President Zelensky was also antagonistic, and frankly, he was rude. So impertinent, so disrespectful. Tone deaf going in and fighting back, getting sassy with the president and the... He was sassy. He was sassy.

He was sassy. He was a real scallywag. You know what I would say if I was there in the Oval Office with him? I'd say, you better watch your tone, mister. I think it was Churchill, who during World War II, was roundly criticized for being a bit lippy. Excuse me, Mr. We'll decide where you're going to fight them, whether it's on the beaches or not or whatever. Poor guy, Zelensky. His nation was invaded. He's against all odds held off a much bigger army for three years. And we're like, would it kill you to smile a little more?

Dress a little nicer, your beautiful country, nobody would know. Show off what you got. You know what I'm talking about? Maybe some of those rare medals I've been hearing something about. But of course, if you criticize Trump's very clear hostility to Zelensky and very clear appreciation of Putin as being suspicious or a repudiation of American values as they've been outlined since World War II, Trump's people quickly set up straw men north of Richmond.

If there are no negotiations, what is the alternative? Another four years of war? We're not saying there. There should be no negotiations. We're just surprised at the side you seem to be negotiating for. President Trump recognizes the urgent need to end this war after three long, bloody years. President Zelensky has different aims in mind. Yeah, bullshit.

I'm pretty sure everybody wants it. Everybody wants to end all. Hitler wanted to end the war, just not the way it ended. You're pretending that we have no one. Other options, our hearts all break for the suffering and loss and death. But you know what will be even worse? World War III. Yes, I'm sure your heart, in quotation marks, is breaking.

But in your little zero-sum formulation, you are correct. Total capitulation by Ukraine, loss of all their mineral wealth and no security guarantees is still better than World War III for now. But you know, everything sounds better if the only other option you're presenting us is World War III. You can listen to the Amelia Perez composer

freestyle another f***ing verse at the Oscars or World War III. Eventually, you will agree to hear another verse. Buy hair. These guys are so f***ing up Trump's ass. They can't even

admit that this meeting was Russia's wet dream. The world is now watching how Trump behaves and acts when he's pressed. I thought he stood up for America, that we're a good people. We want to help you, but we're going to be respected. So I think Moscow is probably more afraid of Trump than ever. Yes, people get terribly afraid with someone. viciously takes their side. They must be quaking in there.

What are Russians wearing the feet? I don't. Is it shoes inside? Other shoes and then they get very small. Until the last shoe that you take off is a tiny shoe and you're really, you're positive, this has got to be the last shoe. But no, you're a little baby tiny shoe. A little baby.

A little baby tiny shoe. No, let's, you don't. You know what? Putin must be quaking. Let's get the, this is the actual Russian state television view on Russia's fearfulness. The new administration is rapidly changing all foreign policy configurations. This largely coincides with our vision. America said, do whatever you want.

It has nothing to do with us. It's such a pleasure to watch. Basically, he is taking our bread and butter. We wanted to saw the Western world into pieces, but he decided to saw through it himself. Not only are the Russians not fearful, they're f***ing delighted. Do you know how hard it is to delight a Russian?

There's only two ways to do it. Break up the Western Democratic Order or bear on roller. skates. It's the only two ways. Or social media dash cam death. Three things, really. Look, none of this is to say Zelensky handled this meeting

well. Everyone knows by now Trump's love language is subservience. If he calls your wife ugly, you praise him. If he calls you Widdle, you run his State Department. And if you're a foreign leader who wants to be on good terms of America, you've got to butter Trump up like he's Texas toast. British PM Kier Tharmer knows how it's done. It is my pleasure to bring from His Majesty the King a letter.

He sends his best wishes. It's an invitation for a second state visit. This is really special. This has never happened before. This is unprecedented. And I think that just symbolizes the strength of the relationship between us. So this is a very special letter. That's how you do it, Zelensky.

It's a legend for the gig. It's got a wax seal on it. It was brought here by Harry Potter's owl. What a delight! The king is throwing you a ball. You'll be the bell of the ball, and then I'll sweep your chimney. Ooh.

Zelensky, shouldn't have gone in there with Russia hasn't abided by any ceasefire agreement so we can't trust them. He should have gone in there with a dessert cart and a Kiev hotel opportunity. So this meeting has deeply wounded America's alliance with Ukraine, as well as the rest of Europe, and the punditocracy. It's having a hard time figuring out the strategy.

I worried that the president is actually not interested in a deal about Ukraine, but I don't understand it. The question now, Jim, is what happens in Europe? How does this make America great again? It just does not make any sense. You poor, dumb bastards. It makes perfect sense if only you watched professional wrestling.

Do you get it? It was a heel turn. I'll explain it again. It was a heel turn designed to create the alliance Trump always wanted in the first place. What's to understand? Trump and the Republicans like Putin better. Just listen to Putin!

The radical neoliberalism destroying traditional values, the obsessive emphasis on race. Modern cancel culture, it turns into reverse discrimination, reverse racism. They invented five or six genders, transformers, trans. You see, I do not even understand what it is. share toilets for boys and girls. Cats, marrying dogs. Will and Grace reboot?

I mean, come on. It sounds like Putin is primaring Marjorie Taylor Green from the right. A woman who, by the way, gives up the whole point of this realignment. The Ukrainian government is attacking Christians. Russia is not doing that.

They're not attacking Christianity. As a matter of fact, they seem to be protecting it. by bombing other Christians. So everyone's wondering, why isn't Trump aligning himself with the West? In his mind, he is. Western civilization, not Europe. To most of us, Russia is not that.

Because we, and historically, everyone, has used the West to mean Western values. Europe represents the expansion of liberties advocated by great Enlightenment thinkers, like Locke, Voltaire, and Rousseau. But to MAGA, this is Europe. It's fucking gay. Super gay.

When MAGA talks about Western civilization, they mean the Knights Templar. Still pretty fucking gay. I gotta say. But excitingly so. But that's the thing. It's not democracy versus dictatorship or capitalism versus communism anymore. It's woke versus unwoke.

And Russia is not woke. They're very tired. They're comatose. It wasn't decided in a particularly volatile meeting on Friday. You got to give credit where credit is due to MAGA architect Steve Bannon. They've been working on taking out the EU for a while now. It's a global revolt. It's a zeitgeist.

We're on the right side of history. The beating heart of the globalist project is in Brussels. If I drive the stake through the vampire, the whole thing will start to dissipate. We'll call it the movement or the cause or something like that. And that's literally when we take over the EU. Holy shit! What a concise, centrally planned social engineering scheme. But here we are.

The end result of a scripted arc that culminates in America betraying its old alliance for the lore of a strong man partnership that carves up the world's rich bounties and places classic democratic values behind transactional convenience. So say it with me, conspiracy theorists, by design, it's a new world order. So Europe, sadly, if I may, it's Rona Week. Now until Wednesday, And the best part, we're ready to help you extend your summer. You know the saying the grass is always greener on the other side? Well, this summer, make sure it's your side of the lawn. Head to Rona today for 5.2 kilograms of Scott's Turf Builder Fall Lawn Fertilizer at only 1499.

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See The Roses only in theaters Friday. Get tickets now. When the vice president and a high-level U.S. delegation flies in tomorrow, there will be no big grand welcome. No American flags flying in the streets and no photo ops with locals. 85% of Greenlanders do not want to be part of the United States, according to a recent poll. Would you like to be American? Oh, no, not really. The leaders here have been clear.

Greenland is not up for grabs, and the American delegation is not invited. Wow, they're holding out signs that say Greenland belongs to indigenous people. America is like, oh, you have no idea how much we don't care about that. Here's some measles. Now, I mean, Greenland does not want to make America great again. In fact, they want the opposite. The idea prompting protests, along with a different kind of MAGA hat, this one reading, Make America Go Away.

That's right. Make America go away. I do love the tone. It's very bitchy. I mean, they should make one that said, oh, seriously America. Just fucking kill yourself already. So basically, the people of Greenland

really fucking hate J.D. Vance in particular, which means, as always, Donald Trump is right. They really are ready to be Americans. But Donald Trump is no average world leader, and Saudi Arabia knows how to cater to a man with such refined tastes. Saudi Arabia had a McDonald's mobile truck come on site so that President Trump

could have his favorite McDonald's. Perfect. Perfect. Oh, I got to say, it is nice to see they got another use out of the horses once they were done with that old school. It's good enough. It's good. Good. It's good. You got to hand it to the Saudis, though.

They know the fastest way to Trump's heart is through his stomach, out the colon, with a little bit staying behind in his arteries. You know, but not everything in the royal kingdom was to Trump's liking. Now, after they arrived, the Saudis served some coffee, but while everyone else drank theirs, Donald Trump just held his in his hand the whole time.

Look at that. Look at that, right? It looks like he was waiting to give a urine sample to the nerves. Yeah, I got to tell, I get this. Honestly, I get it. Unfamiliar coffee on a trip is risky. One sip is all it takes to go from travelers' constipation to travelers.

You guys go without me. I'm going to hang out in the room for a while. Smart move. It's a smart move, Mr. President. You don't want to throw a wrench into that perfect gut biome you've created. Now, that being said, that being said, Trump may be regretted.

not taking that caffeine shot a few minutes later. Muhammad bin Salman is saying, we need a resolution on a Palestinian state. And I don't necessarily recall several years ago pre-October 7th as that being a demand that he had necessarily stated publicly. Do you think his position has changed or do you think the way he has expressed himself

has that changed? Mr. President, come on, you can't fall asleep there. This isn't an intelligence briefing. Come on, man. Look, look, it's not actually a big deal for the president to have jet lag. I'm not so much of an asshole that I make fun of someone for nodding off a bit on a trip. But you know who is that much of an asshole? Joe Biden, the guy can fall asleep in the place with the press watcher. Who the hell wants to sleep with his paper watch?

And he's out cold. You see the dribble coming down the side of a seat. Well, well, well. Look who's sleepy now. Woo. Well, well, well, well. I tell you what. I'll tell you what.

Joe Biden, you must be loving. Oh, he's passed out. Never mind. Never mind. Of course, it's in the Saudi's interest to give Trump the royal treatment. But I'm sure the president of the United States understands that the Saudi crown prince is not without baggage. Just a few years ago that he murdered in an American journalist. So, I'm sure the president will keep a healthy distance from the crown prince.

I like him a lot. I like him too much. That's why we give so much, you know? Too much. I like you too much. I agree. You might like him too much. It was a very nice start to this trip abroad, where he'll visit not just Saudi Arabia, but then Qatar and then the UAE. But you might be wondering, why did Trump pick these countries for his first foreign trip? Well, there's a strong geopolitical balance of religion. I'm f***ing with you!

Corruption! His sons who now run the Trump organ. have lucrative real estate deals in the works in all three countries the president is visiting. Yeah, the Trump boys have projects in all three countries. I never thought I'd say this, but can't these countries go back to doing something more constructive, like funding terrorism?

But Donald Trump doesn't see any of these business conflicts as a problem. In fact, if anything, he's taking conflicts to a new height, as in heights like, heights like, like the sky. We turn to the uproar over the $400 million gift from the government of Qatar tonight, a luxury 747 jumble jet to be used as Air Force One until the end of Trump's term. When the White House says it would be decommissioned and donated to the Trump library. Yeah, you know what, I think we could stop pretending that this airplane is going to be transferred to his presidential library.

This is like the news reporting your aunt is bringing her good friend Linda to thank you. Thanksgiving. They're l-a-cooter, people. That's what's happening, okay? Look, now, apart from being a security concern and a potential bribe, it seems clearly unconstitutional to give the president a gift like this.

You know what? What do I know? Attorney General Pam Bondi, what say you? Attorney General Pam Bondi says the gift is, quote, legally permissible and not a bribe because Trump isn't giving Qatar anything in return. There you have it, right? Turner Hope hasn't given them anything,

and it's been like 36 hours. You know, I trust her. She's the Attorney General. Just a quick fact check. What did she do before she was the Attorney General? We should point out that Bondi previously worked as a foreign lobbyist for the nation of Qatar, earning about $115,000 a month.

Right, right. You know, it looks bad, But if you have to understand, that's a lot of money. And money feels good to have and to spend. So now I get it. It's getting a little embarrassing, watching Trump fly around the Middle East getting sword dances and free jets.

Is he going to do any actual policy stuff? I will be ordering the cessation of sanctions against Syria in order to give them a chance at greatness. Well, you know what? I spoke too soon. This seems like maybe, maybe, actually a good idea. You know, Syria has just thrown off decades of dictatorship, and Trump thinks the new government deserves a chance

to find its feet free of U.S. sanctions. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was wrong about this guy. You know, he doesn't just think about himself. Syria's new president, Ahmed al-Shara, reportedly offered to build a Trump tower in Damascus. God damn it! God damn it!

I spoke too soon about speaking too soon! But hey, you know what? Good on you, Syria. Whatever it takes. You know what? PBS? Maybe you could learn a lesson from this. Instead of whining about Trump cutting children's programming,

have you thought of offering him a Trump tower on Sesame Street, you know? Could be a win-win. Let's kick things off with President. Trump's meeting with the president of South Africa today. And because it's Donald Trump, things got weird. Death. Death. Death.

Horrible death. Death. I don't know. What a host. Death... Death... Hey, do you want a Diet Coke? Yeah.

Death... Horrible death. That's... Now, the reason Trump turned this White House event into a murder podcast is that Trump is convinced that there is a white genocide going on in South Africa, which, of course, means there is no white genocide happening in South Africa. It's not even mathematically impossible. I mean, you'll never run out of white South Africans,

and one of them is making 5,000 kids a week. But still, Trump thinks there is one, and you know he cares about it because he said white genocide. It's like someone told him, hey, it's not just a genocide. It's a white genocide, you know, the bad kind. And Trump's like, oh shit, get them in! But don't worry, South African president. There's a way out of this.

Cutter got Trump a plane. What sweet, sweet bribe did you bring him? I brought you a really fantastic golf book weighs 14 kilograms. And it showcases the golf courses in our country. Yeah, you f*** that up. You lost Trump at Book, and you definitely lost him at kilograms. If you really want to impress Trump, you should have given him one of your golf courses.

Then Trump would be like, hell yeah. Sorry white South Africans, if that's even a real thing. Thoughts and prayers. The real reason Donald Trump rushed home to Washington was to deal with the war between Israel and Iran. And the big question was, was he rushing home to help negotiate an end to the war or to bring America into the war? It's the most important decision a nation can make and one that we've whiffed on for the last like 10, 20, 30, 40, it doesn't matter. The point is, it'd be really reassuring to know that the president has a clear and consistent plan. So, Mr. President, are you looking for war or a ceasefire?

We're not looking for a ceasefire. I didn't say I was looking for a ceasefire. Oh, shit. Okay. He's not looking for a ceasefire. We're looking at it better than ceasefire. Oh, great. Yeah, better than a ceasefire. Seasfire Plus.

That's great. I hate watching ads. That's wonderful. This is good news. I'm glad you're going to negotiate with Iran. I don't know. I'm not too much in a mood to negotiate. Okay, all right.

Not in the mood, okay? The president's not vibing on negotiations then. So it's war, because who would negotiate besides you, Mr. President? He's considering sending the vice president to negotiate with the Iranians. You know, I think this is fantastic. J.D. Vance is a great choice to negotiate. The Iranians will agree to anything to get him the f*** out of him. You know what?

And it's great for peace, because if Trump is negotiating, It sounds like we're not going to flatten Tehran anytime soon. The president warned everyone in Iran's capital city to flee, posting everyone should immediately evacuate Tehran with no additional explanation. You know what? I can use some additional explanation. Mr. President, I am more confused than ever. Please just sum up your explanation in one clean tweet. President Trump has just posted new comments

directed at Iran. We know exactly where the so-called Supreme Leader is hiding. He is an easy target, but is safe there. We are not going to take him out, and then in parentheses, kill. At least not for now.

Okay. So we know where the Ayatollah is, but he's safe. We could kill him, but we won't. For now, maybe later. We'll find out next on the Golden Bachelorette, okay? I mean, how does one tweet and have six different positions? I mean, clearly, we're not going to get any clarity from listening to President Trump.

Maybe other people in his inner circle can shed some light on America's position. Tucker Carlson, huge supporter of the president. What do you think of the war? I just don't want my country to be further weakened or destroyed by another one of these wars. And boy, if you can't connect the dots after 25 years of this shit, you're either too dumb to participate in the conversation

or you're just a liar who doesn't care. Wow. Wow. I mean, Tucker, he hasn't been this distraught since the WNBA got popular. Okay, Mr. President, I hope you understand what Tucker Carlson is saying. I don't know what Tucker Carlson is saying. Let him go get a television network

and say it so the people listen. Thank you. Oh, snap. Trump's like, go on TV and say it, you bitch. That's right, you can't because you got kicked off Fox News for lying about me winning the 2020 election, which I appreciate you, bitch. So yes, Trump is not on the same page as Tucker,

and he seems to be at odds with some of the other top Maga minds as well. The American people have been brainwashed into believing that America has to engage in these foreign wars in order for us to survive. And it's absolutely not true. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm agreeing with Marjorie Taylor Green. I'm at war with myself.

This can't be right. Keep playing the clip. I'm sure I'll find something to disagree with her on. They don't want to hear about politics. They want to be able to afford food, and they want to be able to afford gas, and they just want to have fun. For once in their life, they want to have fun.

Yes, I still agree with her. for what's in their lives? Americans just want to have fun. I don't want a war. I want to dance. Although, you know what? I'm pretty sure Americans do know how to have fun regardless of international conflicts. I've never gotten a text saying,

hey, bro, territorial dispute in the South China Sea. Barbecues canceled. So, doesn't seem like Trump is listening to the anti-war wing of his party. Maybe he'll listen to the anti-war wing of his own. administration, like Tulsi Gabbard, his own director of national intelligence. Tulsi Gabbard testified at March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn't building a nuclear weapon.

What she said, I think they were very close to have been one. This is the benefit of appointing unqualified crazy people to your team. You could always be like, do you know how crazy and unqualified she is? I don't care what she said. So, Trump is beefing with the anti-war wing of his party and dismissing intelligence from his own cabinet showing that Iran is not actually building nukes. It certainly seems to be leaning in a let's do a World War III direction. And weirdly enough, the final confirmation might be pizza.

According to an account on X called the Pentagon Pizza Report, nearly all pizza establishments nearby the Pentagon have experienced a huge, surge in activity. Here's why when U.S. military personnel face a national emergency, they work late into the night and can't leave their desks. At 8.57 p.m. Thursday, the Pentagon Pizza Report reported that the closest and second closest dominoes to the Pentagon had surged in traffic. Oh my God, we're going to war!

Or everyone at the Pentagon just got divorced at the same time. Look, I don't know how things are going to end, but it seems like they're trending in a bad direction. I will say this, though. If you told me after Election Day that within four months of Trump's presidency, I'd be staring at a Domino's Pizza Tracker to figure out if we're going to enter the final war of mankind,

I'd have said, that's about right. I'm Chris Hadfield. I'm an astronaut, an author, a citizen of planet Earth. Join me for a six-part journey into the systems that power the world. Real conversations with real people who are shaping the future of energy. No politics, no empty talk,

just solutions-focused conversations on the challenges we must overcome and the possibilities that lie ahead. This is on energy. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. Up until now, Trump has justified the terrorists by saying it's to balance. trade or protect national security, or some other stuff he absolutely doesn't understand.

But now he's just using it to help Brazilian Trump stay out of prison. A major escalation in President Trump's global trade war, with the president releasing a letter announcing a 50% tariff on imports from Brazil starting August 1st. Mr. Trump specifically pointing to the ongoing prosecution of one of his longtime allies, Brazil's former president, Jaire Bolsonaro, a show of support for the far-right politician facing charges for an alleged coup to overturn his 2022 election loss. The president calling Bolsonaro's trial

before the Brazilian Supreme Court, quote, a witch hunt that should end immediately. Yo, what the f*** is this? So Brazilian Trump gets arrested for trying to do Brazilian Gen 6 and now I have to pay more for coffee? That is not how it works, Mr. President. If you have a disagreement with a South American government,

you don't impose tariffs. You do things the American world, and have the CIA overthrow them. And it's not just Brazilian coffee we're going to pay tariffs on. That's Brazilian orange juice, nuts, jujitsu moves. And don't forget Brazilian butt lifts. That's right. With 50% tariffs, that's going to be a lot of people in America

walking around with just one giant ass cheat. You know what? I think I prefer this. And Americans might be wondering why Bolsonaro is in trouble in the first place. But let me explain. You see, in other countries, they actually arrest leaders who try to coup. I know, I know. It's a different system. It's like how the rest of the world has a metric system,

and America has feet and pounds, or however the f*** you measure, how much beef you're shoving into your fat faces. Let's move on from the war Trump is trying to stop to the one he's trying to start, the one with Iran. They've been real pissy at Trump just because he dropped the world's biggest bomb on them. Okay, get over it. That was like two weeks ago.

And now some Iranians are suggesting that they could strike back in a very specific way. A senior advisor to Iran's supreme leader now issuing assassination threats against President Trump reportedly telling local media, quote, Trump has done something that he can no longer sunbathe than Mar-a-Lago as he lies there with his stomach to the sun. A small drone might hit him in the naval.

It's very simple. Let me be clear. This isn't just an attack on Trump. It's an attack on all of America. Because now we all have to picture him with his bare belly, glistening in the sun. Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm just, I'm not, I'm just kidding.

You don't, you don't have to picture it. I'll show you. It's beautiful. I think I prefer this. Is this really a threat, though? What, you're going to hit his naval with a small drone? Like, Iran went from building a nuclear bomb

to, we're going to turn his Audi into any. Are they threatening to assassinate him or poke him like he's the Pillsbury doughboy? Like, ew! Also, Iran, are you the only people in the world that can't tell Donald Trump? spray tan? He's not in the sun, okay?

Are you looking at pictures of him like, damn, this guy must have spent all week at the beach. Trump hosted African leaders at the White House. Trump pressed them on important issues like migrant deportations and how Scar was actually the good guy.

And you're never going to believe what happened when Trump got in a room with a bunch of African presidents. He made it awkward. Word. At the White House on Wednesday, Donald Trump praised the president of Liberia for his quote, Good English, even though English is the official language of Liberia. We just want to thank you so much for this opportunity. Well, thank you. It's such good English. Such beautiful. Where did you learn to speak so beautifully? Were you educated? Where? Were you educated? Where? In Liberia? Yes.

Well, that's very interesting. Trump was totally blown away by this guy speaking his national language. Where'd you learn to speak English? Like, what, Liberia? Oh, we call them libraries. To be fair to Trump, the last African he was friends with was totally incomprehensible.

And now he's like, is this what Africans sound like when they're not on ketamine? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show. wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

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