The Daily Show: Ears Edition - TDS Time Machine | War on Christmas

Episode Date: December 24, 2025

It's America's last remaining forever war: The War on Christmas. Take a listen back through the years, as Jon Stewart and the Daily Show team recount the harrowing battles. Jason Jones reports from the trenches of the mall. John Oliver embeds near the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. Classic Christmas TV specials weigh in, looking a little different this year. Jon officially declares war on Christmas, after which Fox News informs him he's going to hell. A bit of friendly fire sends Fox News running for cover. Jon is visited by a series of ghosts to teach him a lesson about Christmas. Sarah Palin and Bill O'Reilly join the fight in World War C. After a Festivus detour, Jessica Williams joins to set the record straight on Black Santa. Finally, Jordan Klepper and Desi Lydic take to the streets to find out what the public has to say about the neverending War on Christmas. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and save big during their holiday sale. Avocado, dream of better. You're listening to Comedy Central. We begin tonight with the war, not the one in Iraq, but another more insidious war, being waged right here on American soil, a war on Christmas. Conservative groups are claiming America is replacing the season's more religious aspects with a secular message of holiday cheer. Even President Bush made the naughty list.

After this year's White House Christmas card, which support is a happy holiday season. Of course, along with an excerpt from Psalm 28, Beginning the Lord is My Strength and My Shield. But, you know, which lord? Could be anybody, really. Ganesh. We've got some Ganesh fans in the audience. That doesn't happen a lot.

Luckily, there is a white knight riding in from the judicial branch. Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito is the subject of glowing. new ads from Catholic advocacy groups. For 35 years, one Jersey City tradition included a Christmas and Hanukkah display in front of City Hall. But the American Civil Liberties Union sued, forcing the city to remove the display

thanks to Judge Samuel Alito, the inclusive holiday display was restored. Of course, saving Christmas doesn't guarantee you confirmation to the Supreme Court. Court, I think. We all remember the ill-fated, earnest nomination. But nobody takes the Christ out of Christmas quite like the private sector. Some conservatives are calling for boycotts against retailers who ask employees to wish customers happy holidays. Like this store, seen here blatantly disregarding Christmas.

So far, concerned Christians have urged boycotts of both target stores and the Land's End catalog, though in the latter case the Satan's Minion Flannel Doggy Bed on Caves doesn't help. Who is Satan's minion? Did you? Who is Satan's minion? Fox News's Bill O'Reilly's been at the forefront of defending Christmas.

Even though until recently, Fox News' own online store invited viewers to buy an O'Reilly Factor holiday ornament for their holiday tree. And we're on Christmas, that's what's known as Friendly Fire. But he still lays the blame on thin-skinned heathens. I don't believe most people who aren't Christian are offended by the words Merry Christmas. I think those people are nuts.

I think you're crazy if you're offended by the words Merry Christmas. Well, I actually agree with that. I think they're just words, Merry Christmas. I think it's innocuous. I don't think there's really any way that a sane person could be offended by a silly two-work phrase. You know what, Mr. O'Reilly? You're a reasonable man.

Seasons, greetings, and happy holidays, Bill. does not offend Christians. Yes, it does. Absolutely does. And Legit has it that every time you say happy holidays, an angel gets AIDS. For more on the controversy, Daily Show senior eulologist, Jason Jones, joins us live from the front line of the war on Christmas. Nice to see you. You're in a mall, you're looking around the stores.

Are you noticing any kind of war on Christmas there? Yes, indeed, John. This mall, this high church of consumerism, has been viciously secularized overnight. Where once Victoria's Secret ran a two-for-one triple Xmas sale on Piccaboo lace tetties, now only holiday thongs remain. Triple X-mas, John. That was three times the Christ.

Jason, when I go to a mall, I see the holly, the lights, the tinsel, the Santa. It seems like Christmas is really doing fine. Maybe on the surface, John. But if you look on the surface, the trend is alarming. This is the ghost of Christmas past, a gapped storefront, circa, pious, inspirational. The kind of place you'd feel holly picking out a pair of reverse-cut khakis. Now behold the ghost of Christmas present. This is the way they choose to represent our Lord's birth now with the word holidays.

Which holiday? Arbor Day? Flag Day? They take the Christ out. I have no idea what's going on. But I fear most for Christmas future. Disgusting. It's filthy, absolutely obscene. I mean, that's sign. What's something? What is that sign? Ten square inches at most? And winter, is that even a word?

Oh, and for the record, when Jesus saves, it's more than 20%. Jason, when people are already celebrating Christmas in their homes, churches, and communities, how much difference do a few words on a storefront really make? All the difference in the world, John. This time of year, I don't just go out and buy holiday crap. I buy Christmas crap. How else are we going to keep Jesus in our heart? without constant visual and verbal reminders.

Heating his words? Well, what about those who don't celebrate Christmas? Well, they need it most of all. The other day, I picked up this Old Testament. All the references to Jesus have been completely taken out. They're gone. No doubt removed by the same PC police who took Christ out of the the United States of a Christica.

I don't think it was ever called that. And, in fact, Christmas, I don't think was even a federal holiday until 1870. And it's been under siege ever since. We can't afford to lose any more ground. Every syllable is precious, which is why this year I'm wishing everyone, a Jesusy Christ Christ, Christ, and a Christy New Christ.

Thank you, Jason. Oh, and a happy Christica to you, John. Well, thank you. Same to you, Jason. Moving from a war with no end to better news of a war at home that appears to be winding down. Finally, a signal that the war on Christmas may be over. I'm applauding Walmart for taking back Christmas. Walmart has announced that it is ditching the politically correct happy holiday slogan

in favor of a return to Merry Christmas. It's going to be Christmas, Christmas, Christmas when you're at Walmart. It's where Jesus would have shopped. For more of this sudden change of fortune, we go to our Yuletide War correspondent, John Oliver. John, thanks for joining us. John, I'm here at Rockefeller Center at the Victory Party. The war on Christmas is finally over.

over. Of course, all wars end with an iconic moment. The Cold War had the collapse of the Berlin Wall. The Iraq War, as we all know, completely ended three years ago with the toppling of Saddam Hussein's statue. As for the war on Christmas, it marked its end last Wednesday at a Walmart in Skokie, Illinois. Merry Christmas. Wow. I never thought I'd hear those words again. particularly while shopping for sweatpants and a 10 pound tin of candy corn. And that wasn't the only moment of joy.

We also witnessed this unprecedented display of yule-tide cheer. Suck on that, humanists. That's the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. They lighted every year. But before, it was lit in defiance. This year, it was lit in victory. Different bulbs. There aren't different bulbs. That's just, that's a local tradition. But this year it's gone worldwide. The National Broadcasting Company, or Mbuk, decided to devote three hours to the flipping of this light. It was presided over by Al Roker, who, with

victory under his ever-loosening belt, may now be able to end his inspiring hunger strike. He was joined by stars ranging from Hall to Oates. Santard capaded brazenly about without fear of attacks from pagan death squads. And, of course, no victory parties complete without an appearance from Sting. You do need you delight. And his f***ing loot. Well, thank you very much for that report, done. Obviously, in any war on Christmas, there are going to be winners and losers.

And with that story, we go to Rob Riggle. Thanks, John. I'm here on 47th Street in Manhattan, and I'm talking to Moishe Goldstein. Moisha, tell me... I'm sorry? Abraham Friedman. I'm sorry, Abraham, can you tell me, are you taking it hard this year? Oh, no, I'm always easygoing. Okay. Coming up on a big off-season, are you planning on making any changes during the off-season? No, I'm not taking any changes. I just take the holidays with me, and that's how it goes, you know?

Okay, well, thank you very much for your time, Abraham, and this might not be easy to hear right now, but Merry Christmas. Oh, yeah, Merry Christmas for you. Thank you. John. Thank you very much, Rob. Give you guy credit to come out of the losing locker room

and do an interview like that. Anyway, any last thoughts? John Oliver down in Rockefeller Center. The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree is illuminated, blazing as a beacon of freedom for all. Finally, John, this day. The damn war is over. Oh, come here, you.

John? Did it freeze? Did it freeze? No, it didn't freeze. The frame didn't freeze. No. Forget it. Merry Christmas, John.

Thank you very much. John Oliver. We'll be right back. What do you say to the? those Jews that would try and take Christmas away forever? To the Jews. No. I say Merry Christmas to everyone.

Yeah, even to the Jews. To everyone, yes. By the way, I don't have to tell you people. Sixth Night of Hanukkah. Huh? Huh? Really? People aren't usually that enthusiastic this many days in.

Sixth Night is also known as the Nachmit Hegelumpfaf. That's Hebrew for The Night You Get a Jigsaw puzzle. It's a sixth night. People are running out of ideas. But I think I forget in all the hubbub, The yearly Hanu chaos, if you will. The drado-based gambling addictions.

Come on, Gimmel! Daddy needs a new Latka grinder. It's a very funny language, kiddish. A lot of hard Ks. Anyway, we all tend to forget that Jews aren't the only ones celebrating this holiday season. But, of course, who could blame us? The other big seasonal holiday has been all but crushed

by forces banded against it. The Tulsa Christmas Parade of Lights has been a tradition in Oklahoma for nearly 70 years. But parade organizers have now stripped the word Christmas from the events title and changed it to the Tulsa Holiday Parade of Lights despite outrage from the community.

Oh my God! Oh my God! The seasonal parade in America's 47th largest city changed its name last year and Gretchen apparently just found out about it and is about to open up a can of freedom ass

on the chairman of Tulsa's parade of lights I guess I'm just trying to get a sense of why after 70 years you would change the name well again I think it was to be more reflective of what we actually were. People, I think, make way too much of the name. Really?

Because I think a lot of people actually feel just the opposite, Larry. Why? Why changed the name? It sounds like it was a business decision, like a sponsor was going to pull supporting it unless you changed it to holiday? Uh, I think that's an overstatement. Well, then what is it?

What is it? Then what is it? Um, it's a holiday parade to make a parade to make the children a Tulsa smile. Santa comes in and throws some candy. What have I done to Tulsa? I've ruined Christmas. Of course, Gretchen's not throwing the first stone.

She's throwing... She's... Really? Enjoy that? She's not... She even looks pretty like that. She's pretty. She's not throwing the first stone.

She's throwing the third stone. Some people are not going to participate in this parade as a result of it not being called the Christmas parade. The Acres of Love, Alpaca Farmers, they're not going to participate. And then Senator Jim Inhoff has also decided he will not participate. No alpacas and no jim Inhoff. Nietzsche was right. God is dead. Of course, the parade isn't the real victim here.

Fortunately, the parade will not suffer, you know, in terms of the quality or quantity. of entries. Right. Many people argue just Christmas will suffer. Many? By many people, do you mean one pretty lady wearing a purple sweater? Gretchen, Christmas survived the Roman Empire. I think it can handle the renaming of the Tulsa Parade.

Frankly, Gretchen, I think the bearded guy you're protecting might be the wrong bearded But I admit, the season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing. When did all that begin? Well, hello. Beautiful day, isn't it? Yes, sir, I'd say this is shaping up to be the best birthday party for Jesus yet. That's right. I said Jesus. said Jesus. You got a problem with that? I hope you do. Because petty arguments about a holiday celebrating the birth of our Savior is as American as apple pie. It's called the War on Christmas.

And it happens every year. But it wasn't always that way. Started off like any other Christmas. Trees were trimmed. Stockings were hung by the fireplace. There was only one problem. It seemed to all the peace on earth and goodwill towards men, people just plumb forgot to be offended by the petty bullshit that superficially divides us. That's right. I said bullshit.

This card says happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas. I'll take that as a well-intentioned greeting rather than a rejection of my faith. Can I put up some quasi decorations? Sure, no problem. It won't affect my Christmas. My Christmas. Hey, pull over. It's the PC police. What's wrong, officer? Going to give us a ticket for not including a menorah in our religious display? No! Even though I'm Jewish,

I'm secure enough in my own beliefs that I don't need to be included in every holiday. Chag'sameach! Yes, sir, Rebob, it looked like Christmas was going to come and go without any ginned-up outrage about some city council in bum-hick Iowa renaming their nativity scene a multi-denominational frankincense party. No one even seemed to notice except for one sad little boy. Because even though Christmas was by far

the most dominant cultural event in the history of cultural events, he felt empty without some sense that the people celebrating it were somehow being persecuted. And so he prayed. That's right.

I said prayed, but sadly, it was all for naught until something magical happened. First in the dark of night came a flicker. And then, just a ticker. And then a great noise, like someone jumped on a clicker. You can't say Merry Christmas, and you support the band. You are the fascist. There's been a war on Christmas from the secular culture

for three or four decades now. There's a war on Christmas with some people in this country, particularly atheists. An anti-religion sign right next to the nativity scene. The more people watched, the more they got sicker.

Sicker and sicker till every last one came to quarrel and bicker. Atheist. Cummy. Jew? Socialist. Pagan. Old Roger Ailes

couldn't believe what he heard. He took delight in each unkind word. People who were there said his heart shrunk three sizes that day. It was a war on Christmas miracle. As for that little boy whose prayers

had enthused, he was giving a show right there on Fox News. Tonight, online us is America. Are Christians in endangered species? Are the founding father's wishes for Christian America being trampled upon? I'll talk to my all-American

panel featuring Snoopy, Pig Punt, and Stephen Baldwin. Suck it, Charlie Brown. Yay, Christmas is saved. Fog news. It's that time of year again. Holiday magic. The twinkling of lights, the gnaugging of eggs,

and of course, anger and bitter disappointment. Rhode Island Governor, Lincoln Chafee, coming under fire after refusing to call the tree in the Rhode Island State House a Christmas tree. He insists. People call it the devil's pine. Satan spruce. A tree borsion. It's Fox's War on Christmas. It's back, baby. And this year's designated Scrooge, Rhode Island Governor and part-time Steve Duce. impersonator. Lincoln Chaffee.

A couple of weeks ago, Chafee had the audacity to invite Americans to a tree lighting. Or, judging by the reaction, a Jesus tipping. It's a Christmas tree with a CHRA. Keep Christ in Christmas.

For folks who are watching right now and are thinking, that's crazy, I should call the governor. We've got his phone number. If it has lights and ornaments and an angel and decorations on top, it's a Christmas tree. For the past eight years before this governor, your former governor, in fact, did call it a Christmas tree, right? He did, Gretchen. Yeah, and while that's not true, um...

Who cares? It makes them angry. See, the previous Republican governor's 2009 invitation to this very same ceremony also uses the offending phrase, holiday tree lighting! I mean, how is that not akin to wiping your ass? with the shroud of Turin. I mean, really? That's a rhetorical question, obviously. Now, who cares if the story is true or what it actually means?

The important thing is to allow this heathen governor to defile a sacred richinal. Ritual. I don't even know what I was combining that word with. To allow him to defile a sacred ritual. is to imperil our nation's very founding principles. Why did these pilgrims brave incredibly difficult conditions

to live here, die here, and to try to start a new, you know, a new way of life for themselves? A religious freedom, perhaps? Yeah, and now religious freedom is on the rocks. Yes. Yes, lady wearing cross on television. Religious freedom is on the rocks. The rocks!

Of course not as on the rocks as it was in the 17th century, when your friends the Pilgrims outlawed Christmas celebrations as a sacrilege and declared gifts and Christmas decorations satanical levying a five-shilling fine on anyone for saying Merry Christmas. Five shillings. I mean, in those days, that's two milk cows and a buckled hat.

If the pilgrims were alive today, this is how they decorate the town square. Or, perhaps you'd prefer to celebrate Christmas the way our founding fathers did. On December 25, 1789, the United States Congress sat in session and continued to stay open on Christmas Day,

for most of the next 67 years. How's that taste, mother f***? That's right. When the country was founded, Congress had exactly the same attitude about the sanctity of Christmas celebrations that a 7-Eleven does today. Yeah, we're open.

Fox, you take for granted the ubiquity of Christmas. But if there has been a war, Christmas is the aggressor, nation. Right now, every public space in the country looks like it got hit with a 500-pound tinsel bomb. The White House looks like a Yuletide episode of hoarders. Many, many of these displays, many of these displays are subsidized by, uh, what's that thing you don't want to spend on anything? Taxpayer money. You want to fight about something taking the Christ out of Christmas. It's you

Whatever you think is the reason for the season It does not involve Mariah Carey in a half a Santa suit Presenting her ass to Justin Bieber like a horny bonobo. By the way, what if we all did go back to always calling them as Christmas trees and saying Merry Christmas, would that make you happy?

The good news is now some retailers are going back to using the word Christmas again. But are they just doing it to make a quick buck? And if so, you okay with that? We can't win? I mean, sure, they're saying Merry Christmas, but do they mean it? And the way we want them to mean it, like, you know, that Jesus is their savior. That is why tonight, I must make the hardest decision that any anchor of a fake news program has to make. They're unusually boisterous for an announcement of war.

My fellow Americans, tonight I humbly come before you to declare war on Christmas. We did not ask for this war, but neither will we shrink from it. It is said that we provoke these hostilities. There are use of the phrase, Happy Holidays. This is a lie. That was a phrase born, not of aggression, but of convenience. But as long as our enemies view the words,

Happy Holidays, not as a lazy man's way to avoid the time-sucking double holiday salutation, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. But rather, as a subtextual, you and your baby, Jesus. There can be no peace. We now ask that Christmas immediately and unilaterally withdraw to its pre-67 borders, pre-167 borders.

Do this now. That was my Nixon. Oh, no, no. You don't deserve my name. You don't deserve my Nixon. Do this now or face the full night of our secular, multicultural society. It's a world... No, that's not a president.

All right. It's a world where Christmas will have to share statehouse rotundas, not just with Jews, but with Hindus, Buddhists, Buddhists, Wiccans, Santeros, atheists, and of course, Muslims. We will fight until we live in a world where free Americans everywhere. Seek not validation of their religious beliefs through Macy's signage.

Where non-sectarian greetings are not seen as diminishing the most ubiquitous two-month holiday immersion since Caligula's birthday party. Until that day, I wish you and your family in this season a happy and heartfelt end of the fiscal fourth quarter. Very quick off the top. A couple of the nights ago, I responded to the jindup outrage many Christmas celebrants feel when they are unable to celebrate Christmas at all times.

in all places, and I addressed our nation thusly. My fellow Americans, tonight I humbly come before you to declare war on Christmas. That was two days ago. Now look at me. Look how war ages a man. That is weird. How can I age in two days? Is that? Well, last night, one of Santa's unusually large

elves, fired back. Our pal John Stewart is following the various Christmas controversies very closely. Now, there is no question that Mr. Stewart is going to hell. But here's where you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell. Boom!

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And a weekday group pass offers the same weekday travel flexibility from $30 for two people and up to $60 for five. Buy yours at go-transit.com slash tickets. Speaking of Christmas, you're probably aware by now. our nation's been embroiled in a long and bitter war. The first alvo in the war on Christmas. It is. The war on Christmas.

A war on Christmas. War on Christmas. War on Christmas. War on Christmas! It's not to be confused with war on Christmas. This is a tremendous Christmas album. Maxibles! For years now, Christmas has been under attack.

by the Brave Souls of Fox News. Are they still up to the task? That is the subject of tonight's War on Christmas Friendly Fire Edition. Let's face facts. The annual Fox War on Christmas has become a little predictable. It's basically, I imagine you can make one up with a,

like, a, make Fox News madlibs. Let's see. So, let's see. let's try to do one of these. All right. Last week in, I need the name of some godless liberal bastion. Santa Monica. Okay, Santa Monica. That'll do. Let me just fill in Santa Monica there. And in Santa Monica, a group of, give me the name of a small group of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture. Atheists. Okay, atheists will do. That's right.

Everyone's favorite uncle that lives in Oregon. No one ever seen. is, you know. So a group of atheists have ruined Christmas by forcing the removal of, I need a classic Christmas symbol. Ass. That's, Damn it, Brian, we're trying to do something here. Just go sit in a car. A nativity scene.

Thank you. Nativity scene. Some people are still grownups over there. All right, so we're done. Let's see if we can put that all together, shall we? Atheists seem to have ended a 60-year-old Christmas tradition in Santa Monica, California. A federal judge backing Santa Monica's decision to no longer allow nativity scenes in a public park. Oh my God, that is such an out... It's as though the war on Christmas has become a rote observance, devoid of all its original spirit.

spiritual meaning. Even its most ardent proponents have seen doubt creep in. Now, a lot of people, for whatever reason, will look at this interview today, and they'll say, Gretchen Carlson and Doreen Costa are nuts, okay? They're so nuts because they think that there's this made-up war on Christmas. We're not nuts, are we? There is a war on Christmas. As a general rule, if you're trying to tell whether you and one other person are nuts, ask a third person. Preferably someone outside the asylum. But since you ask the question, am I nuts to think there's a war

on Christmas, it's only polite for me to offer you a resounding, yes, you're nuts. Because for whatever annoying, local, ticky-tack, Christmas abolishing story, you and your merry band of persecution-seeking researchers can scour the wires to turn up, the rest of us can't swing a dead elf without knocking over an inflatable snow globe or a giant blinking candy cane. For God's sakes, Fox News itself is located in Midtown Manhattan, the epicenter of that is godless, secular, gay, Jewy, and hellbound. And yet, even here, all around your studio, it looks like Santa's balls exploded.

That is an... That is a hypothesis. You know, in the old days before the war on Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ lasted a day. like birthdays do. And then it seeped into the night before Christmas, the Eve, if you will. And then the next thing you know,

we were riding this thing all the way to Epiphany. Fine, 12 days. Gave time for lords to leap and geese to lay and partridges to pear and gold to ring. And it's just 12 days of servants and f***leptory. Whatever.

But it still wasn't enough. There's a war on Christmas. Has anyone told Thanksgiving? Because this year, Black Friday, aka Christmas's opening bell, got moved back a day to Black Thursday, or as we used to call it, Thanksgiving.

Christmas is so big now, it's eating other holidays. Watch your ass, Halloween. You're next. Let me answer your question. Do atheists land an occasional blow, I guess? Even the Washington generals get lucky once in a while. But when you look at the overall record between the two teams,

for God's sake, there are radio stations that play nothing but Christmas carols. Stores that sell nothing but Christmas decorations all year long. There is a TV channel devoted to a Yule log. And it's kicking CNN's ass in the radio. But don't worry. Don't worry, non-log-burning channels. There's Christmas programs for you as well. There's old-timey, traditional Christmas programming.

Really old-timey. Dickensian Christmas special programming. New-timey. Hey, hey, hey. Urban Christmas specials. Norman Christmas specials. Country Western Christmas specials. Chipmunk Christmas specials.

Otter Christmas specials. Bear Christmas specials. Cat Christmas specials. Large-headed child Christmas. Gay Christmas. Jewish Christmas. Whatever the f*** this is Christmas. Christmas underwater.

Christmas from the future. Prehistoric Christmas. That's right. There's a Christmas special celebrating Jesus' birth thousands of years before the birth of Jesus. That is a holiday that is not in danger. There is so much Christmas all over the place. It's getting harder for Christmas as defenders to fight for Christmas

without accidentally doing damage to it. Which brings us to our friendly fire incident. Watch what happens when our good friend Bill O'Reilly takes the atheist's bait. What religion is involved with Christmas? What religion? That's not a religion. That's a philosophy. So you're going to actually tell me on live television that Christianity is not a religion. Correct. It is a philosophy.

No! Bill, why? Bill, why? Have you learned nothing from our friendship? You just handed that atheist another thing he can't believe. Christianity is a religion. Christianity has a philosophical element, but there is a difference between a philosophy and a religion.

For instance, let's look at Socrates and Jesus. They have a lot in common, loose fitting clothing, beards, sandals, teaching through parable, martyrdom. But here's where we find the distinction between philosophy and religion. After their martyrdom, martyrdom, one of them got better.

I'll give you a hint. It's the one who ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the father, who will come again in glory to judge a living in the dead, whose kingdom will have no end? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone? It's Jesus! No? We bestow one of them tax-exempt status.

Why isn't Christianity? Christianity a religion. Christianity is not an organized religion, a church that can be imposed. Christianity is a philosophy. You don't have to believe Jesus is God in order to admire his view on life. No. But you have to believe Jesus is God to be a Christian. For instance, I like a lot of Jesus' philosophy.

Love your neighbor, a little cheek turning, stone knot casting. It's very nice. But while I can get an A in his philosophy class, I don't get to go to the after party. You get what I'm saying here, Bill? So you want to do this in my place at your place because, Baruchata, I'm f***. We'll be right back.

But let's begin tonight, as I really should begin almost every night, with an apology. We've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the War on Christmas, where a small band of about 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their Lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their Christ, a mass Christ, if you will. Now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on Christmas or, you're fucking crazy. Classic wit.

But that was before I realized what these poor people. folks have been going through. This is the thing about atheists. They bully the other religions. They're trying to put their hands in my business and tell me what to do. It ends up being about being intolerant to the nature of what is tradition in this country. This ends up being about bullies. They're being bullied. And what are Christians supposed to do? Turn the other cheek. Oh! Oh! Wrong Jesus, my friend. There is a problem in America with the Christian forces being weak. That's right.

And I'm telling you, Bill, wimpy pastors produce wimpy Christians. They see Jesus as this little wimpy guy who walked around plucking daisies and eating bird seed. Plucking daisies and eating birds. I think you're thinking of Russell Brand. It's a common mistake. To think of him. No, the truth is, I think even most non-Christians don't particularly care that for about 10% of every year, the public sphere is dominated by this one particular religious celebration.

In the same way, I imagine, most Christians don't care that a lot of people say, happy holidays, or seasons greetings, in place of Merry Christmas, because you don't always know the religion of the person your greetings. Merry Christmas, and they say, back to you, assa-s-le-s-sala. So, you know, you don't know. So what do these atheist bullies want? I'm assuming a dictatorship of godlessness. We're stopping the government from preferring one religion over another.

We demand equality from the government, and it's our constitutional right, and you should be demanding it along with me. Yes, we should because you are perhaps technically correct. Although, I'm still not sure how your local manger scene enforcement program is going to get you to that goal. But you know what? Maybe that godless man is right. Maybe the government should force communities to make sure all religious

are given exactly, exactly equal treatment, even Lutherans. Perhaps, as I settle into my normal mid-show nap, I can ponder what a wonderful, equitable world that was... John! Oh, geez, what was that? Oh my God, who are you? I'm the ghost of Christmas past. Why, Spirit?

Why are you dressed like a kinky zombie? zombie your ghost form is always wearing what you die in that's why would you die from autoerotic asphyxiation is that no no no John I was hit by a bus okay I was on my way to a how yes okay I was but it's time to look at your paths take my hand John Stewart we will fly we must fly we will fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly fly Why? Why? Why?

Why? This feels a lot like walking. Okay. We'll fix it in post. All right. Fair enough. I'm in post. All right.

Where are we? This is going to be exciting. Oh my God. That's my old middle school. That's right. John Stewart. Behold. I got a millennian falcon for Christmas.

I got an electric guitar. I got a new bike. Awesome. Kickhast. Hey, John. What'd you get for a honico? I got a pomegranate. A pomegranate.

A what? A pomegranate, it's a fruit. You eat the seeds. What kind of dweeb eats seeds? It was the second night. We always get fruit. We get small nights. Ah.

Ah, good times. No, not good times. Those were the worst times of my child. I mean, everybody made fun of me because I'd bring fruit in and do those... You got a lot of vitamin K. Oh my God, who are you? What do you mean? Seriously? How long have I worked here?

No, I'm in the bit. Who are you? Oh, I am the ghost of alternate Christmas past. All right. What if you had your wish and all religions were treated the same? And being a Jew at Christmas wasn't weird. Well, I don't know. It sounds great how I kids.

Oh! Gee, these gifts are great. But you know what would be even better? A 5,000 year tradition connecting me to our ancestors? That's what I really want. for Christmas. Hey, what's that, guys? Hey, John.

Hey. After school, can we come over your house and help you light the menorah? I don't know. It's a pretty meaningful tradition. Okay, you can come. Yes! Okay, we're going to have dreidels and hypoallergenic lackus. Come!

You see? John, do you see how popular you could have been? Is that really what you wanted? Yes. Oh, and they're all loving pomebrain. But John, your suffering billed character. I mean, think of all the survival. skills you developed as a put upon minority like what low self-esteem self-loathing the inability to connect emotionally to your fellow man i'm sorry did i mention self-loathing you did

worth repeating sure sure yet you went on to succeed in the one field that rewards those qualities comedy bingo wow being a sad isolated jewish kid was the best thing that ever happened to me i can't believe not so bad oh wow Right, deal with it. All right. I am the ghost. Hang on, hang on. What kind of old-timey ghost carries a smartphone?

It's a blackberry, John. This thing is ancient. All right. I'm the ghost of what could have been Christmas present if that popular boy you just saw grew up in your place. Behold. Oh, boy. Oh, my God, I could have been.

That's right. America's third Jewish president. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. And that's not all. Mr. President. signing this bill will end poverty in the United States. End poverty in the United States?

You say, well, I'll do it, but I'll make it quick because, as you know, I've got a Super Bowl to win. What? America versus Al-Qaeda. And I'm the quarterback. I could have been a president quarterback. What else were you going to do when you quit the E Street Band? Mother of my God.

Are you serious? I'm so serious. Not bad for a five-foot-six kid from Central Jersey. Wait, say that again? Not bad for a five-foot-six central care from Jersey. I'm not five-six. I'm five-seven. I'm not. Not in this world, you're not. No!

I'm glad to be a Jew at Christmas. I'm glad to be a Jew of Christmas. I'm glad to be... I'm glad to be... I just had the craziest dream. And it taught me that Christmas belongs to all of us, because all of us can find something in it to be angry about. You there, boy. Yes, sir?

What day is it? Today? Yes. Why, it'd be Christmas Day, sir. Then it's not too late. Here, take this. Sure, take what exactly. Take this coin.

I will. Thank you. Wow. How did you ever become cool? How did I ever become quarterback president with that? I got it. I got it right here, sir. Nice.

Nice job. Lovely coin. Take this and go buy me the biggest Peking Duck in all of Chinatown. Oh, that I will, sir. And then you and me are having Chinese food and going to the mother fucking movies. Really? Sure. Yeah.

Quick question, sir. May we go see Jack Reach her, sir? Yes, absolutely. Well, azzar for old man Stuart is. Thank you. It's going to be the best Christmas for a Jew ever. Mazel tough, governor. We'll be right back.

I could walk. You can walk. You can do it. What is it like to live in that world of pure fear and despair, where every inconsequential change in what was becomes a harbinger of a dystopian post-America apocalypse where only Muslims can. swim. And the sidewalk game where decent law-abiding white folk or randomly knocked out has replaced baseball as our national pastime. And a sense of persecution is always at its worst right around this time of year. A new battle in the war on Christmas. The war on Christmas. The war on Christmas. The school district that's now saying faith-based tunes have no place in their elementary school.

The majority of Americans celebrate Christmas, so everybody should have the right to enjoy this season without the interference of a few Bahumbug bullies. How can I enjoy my Christmas when I know that somewhere a little Jewish boy isn't being forced to sing, oh, little town of Bethlehem? Where's the joy there? Who will save Christmas? Sarah Palin.

She has a new book out about the meaning of Christmas. I was hoping for blitzin, but she'll do, carry on. Can you understand why somebody who is not a self-identified Christian would feel uncomfortable with demonstration of something from the Bible, from the New Testament, coming from the government, because to them that might feel like their government is picking a religion and it's not there. Well, there are things that we can do about that to, I guess, lessen that offense. We can do that in our personal lives. For instance, in my family, we have the menorah out through December on our kitchen table. I want to teach my children about the Jewish faith.

Quick word to the Palin kids. I appreciate the gesture. Jews don't actually just leave a menorah out for the month of December. Like a knick-knack in a curio case. Goes in the window, and you only put it there for eight days. And also, Palin kids, this is not a menorah. Now, there's got to be someone

who can defend Christmas with a little more authority. Over the years, we've taken on the role of protecting the federal holiday of Christmas. Even though it is not in any way threatened. But I'll bite since we do this dance every year. Tell me why this year it is especially egregious to use the phrase, Happy Holidays. What is interesting this year is that Hanukkah will be over on Thursday. So there are no more holidays between then and Christmas Day.

Damn you, O'Reilly. We've been checkmated. Without Hanukkah, we have no excuse to say Happy Holidays, plural. Because apparently you can't include anything past Christmas like Juan's Epiphany and New Year's, although by that logic it means that up until Hanukkah, you can only say Happy Hanukkah,

but two of the fuck cares about that. But I'm sorry, I interrupted your flow, Mr. O'Reilly. secular humanists are peeing on your U-Log this year. Macy's, a company that I generally like. Macy's! Macy's isn't Christmassy enough for you? Macy's? This Macy's?

The one emblazoned with a bejewled believe sign? That could be seen from space? The one that looks as though someone ejacized. calculated tinsel all over it? That, Macy's? What have they done? This year they're touting Santa Claus who will help you, quote, with your holiday wish list.

So here's my question to Macy's. What holiday is Santa celebrating? Ah, that is a good question. Santa or Santa Claus is celebrating the Feast of St. Nicholas. the Feast of St. Nicholas, which originated in the Netherlands, in the Middle Ages, and occurs every December 6th. But you might not have heard about that, because like every other December holiday, it was long ago sucked into the insatiable black hole that is Christmas. And by the way, you're upset with the department store, because in their effort to get you

to buy a Swarovsky crystal, hello kitty snowman figurine, they're not invoking Christ's name enough. I thought Christians used to complain that their holiday was getting commercialized. Are those days gone? I love the commercialization of Christmas because it spreads the Christmas cheer. It's the most jolly holiday, obviously, on our calendar. Obviously. So commercialization is what's spreading Christmas cheer. I've been so confused about the message of that holiday for so long. I thought it was about opening one's homes to friends and family, not opening one's present, and then returning it for store credit. Look!

If the true spirit of Christmas is best spread and expressed through commercialism and materialism, then anyone who denounces those things is by the transit of property waging war on Christmas. Sarah Palin, Bill O'Reilly, meet your newest nemesis.

Today, Pope Francis denounced trickle-down economics as unfair to the poor. He takes a shot at commercialism. Calling for Catholics everywhere to resist excessive capitalism and materialism. When will the Pope stop his war on Christmas?

Well, well, I hope his message is heard, and someday Macy's will truly honor the spirit of Christmas. Look, we all know Christmas is everyone's favorite holiday. Everyone's. Everyone's. But it is very difficult for even our staunchest defenders of Christmas to keep the spirit of the season when Christmas its very essence is under constant siege by

someone, something. It's the subject of our new segment. We're on Christmas. It's getting weird. First up, the General Patton of the War on Christmas. There's an even crazier topic out there. Remember this classic Seinfeld moment? Out of that, a new holiday was born.

A festivus for the rest of us. Oh, please. That's the classic episode. I mean, the episode was funny, but not Festivus. Yes, that episode was funny. But not Festivus, the central comedic conceit. of that episode. Not funny!

Wait, why is Festivus not a holiday for the rest of us? Now a nearly six foot tall Festivist pull made from empty beer cans about to go up at the Florida State Capitol. I'm not kidding. It's part of a not-so-settled protest against the nativity scene

already on display there. Who gives a... Can't you just pretend? But it's... Can you just pretend it's a place for the wise men to tie up their camels? How about that? I mean, really, you're concerned there's a six-foot festivist pole made out of beer cans. It's Florida.

You're lucky there's not a stripper named Christmas swinging on it. It's been to Florida? But I apologize. I apologize. You're upset. Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, oh yeah kids look there's baby jesus behind the festivist pole made out of beer cans it's not yes that sounds relatively nuts why are you driving around looking for nativity scenes in the car when you

could just bring your kids to where you work where you put a giant nativity scene out on the plaza. But as much as I'm used to Gretchen's yearly manger danger warnings, a little surprised to see Megan Kelly going full Christmas nog. So in Slate, they have a piece on dot com. Santa Claus should not be a white man anymore. By the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white,

but this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But, you know, Santa is what he is. And just so you know, we're just debating this, because someone wrote about it, kids. It just got real. Santa is just white. And who are you actually talking to? Children who are sophisticated enough

to be watching a news channel at 10 o'clock at night yet innocent enough to still believe Santa Claus is real, yet racist enough to be freaked out if he isn't white. Why? That's such a narrow, yes, West Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But since we're pretending to debate this, carry up.

The author seems to have you know, she's African-American, and she seems to have real pain at having grown up with this image of a white Santa. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change. Actually, I think that's the official slogan

of oppression. Oppression. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to change. You know what's interesting? That's also the slogan of Arby's. I don't know why we do that. They're perfect.

Perfectly nice people make perfectly nice food. I don't know why we continue to do this. Now, you may wonder why on this news channel they're making assertions of fact about a fictional character. Santa Claus is based on St. Nicholas, who was an actual. person, a Greek bishop, and was a white man. You can't take facts and then try to change them to fit some sort of a political agenda or a sensitivity agenda. There is so much crazy going on here.

So much crazy. I don't even have time to deal with a Fox News pundit saying, you can't take facts and try and change them to fit some kind of political agenda. I can't say that. Even though that's all, that's how much crazy is going on here. But what she is suggesting is that you can't just arbitrarily change the facts about the real historical St. Nicholas, who was a white man, even though he was from Greece, which is actually Turkey today. And that white man lives at the North Pole and drives a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. But you can't change the facts about it.

Of course, the real St. Nicholas was from a part of the world that is now Turkey, and according to forensic scientists, who studied research, originally commissioned by the Vatican, he probably looked something like this. So, who exactly is changing the facts to make themselves more comfortable here? actual St. Nicholas, well, my guess is there'd be no Christmas if he looked like that dude because he's probably still on the no-fly list. And then things got really weird. Jesus was a white man, too, but, you know, it's like we have, he was a historical figure.

I mean, that's verifiable fact. I'll give you that Jesus was an historical figure. But you're going to get a little pushback on the white thing. You do know Jesus wasn't born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, right? For more, we're joined by our senior Christmas, our senior Christmas historical accuracy correspondent, Jessica Williams. Jessica, thank you. Welcome to your show.

Nice to see. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Merry, Merry Christmas. Well, the big news that I hear out of the whole Jesus is white thing is that Jews are white now. So, congratulations, John.

But, you know, what about Santa? Do you feel Santa is white? What about people insisting that Santa is white? Oh, John, Santa is white. That's just a fact. It's Miracle on 34th Street, not miracle on 134th Street. The only miracle on 134th Street is that we get to participate at all. Half the time Santa skips us on his way downtown, just like a taxi cab.

But here's the thing, Santa is fiction. He's not even real. Hey, hey, man. What the hell are you doing? Hey, kids. Stop crying. Santa is real as f***. And he's really white.

He's really white. No, but Jessica, if we're talking history here, and that is what they're saying, we're talking fact and history. St. Nicholas was from the area of the world that is now Turkey. He was not some cherubic Wilford Brimley type. Hey, don't be stupid, John. A swarthy Turkish Santa will make people very uncomfortable. Yes, yes, yes. But that Megan said, just because you feel uncomfortable,

that doesn't mean you should change it. Oh, wait, no. Megan said, if I feel uncomfortable, there's no need to change it. If white people feel uncomfortable, then we have to change it. And then pretend it's the way it's always been. That's how this became this. It works that way for everything. Like how this becomes this.

White people don't want to hear jailhouse rock from somebody who'd actually been to jail. Real jail is uncomfortable. Elvis jail is fun! He did, he did. He looked like he was having a great time. Dan singing. Hey, he was.

Ain't about a hell noise. Right? Yeah. I mean, John, that's how it's done. First, you fix history, then you lock that shit down. Forever in a vault. Sorry, Santa's not black just because some blogger wishes he was. Just like Meg is not black just because she spills her name creatively.

And let's face it, John, there is no way this could be Santa. But why, now, you're very jolly? Why not? Because the moment white folks saw a black man with a big old bag coming down their chimney, it'd be time to grab a gun and stand your ground. Jessica Williams, thank you so much. Merry Christmas. Thank you. the start of a decade's old tradition. Desi and I went on location to watch it happen.

America has had its share of intractable wars, but Fox News has been tracking one forever war in particular. It's the war on Christmas. The war on Christmas. The war on Christmas. The war on Christmas. And there's no end in sight. Now it feels like the war on Christmas

is coming earlier and earlier every year. So we came to the Fox News All-American Christmas Tree Lighting show to talk to people about how they're surviving the war on Christmas. I don't feel like there's a war on Christmas. And I think if there was a war on Christmas, Christmas would win. Are you familiar with the war on Christmas?

I've heard of it, but I don't really think it's actually a thing, so... Are you serious? Yeah. People can't say Merry Christmas anymore. If I say Merry Christmas to my neighbor ten times in a row, he looks at me like I'm crazy! Do you think that this tree lighting ceremony is so much smaller this year because Fox lost so much money in the Dominion lawsuit?

That's very possible, but I haven't really put a lot of thought into that. Are you at all worried that the thing? There will be no tree lighting ceremony next year when Smartmatic comes in and takes the rest of their cats? Not really, no. No? No. So how will people even know it's Christmas outside of those Christmas decorations

and those Christmas decorations and those Christmas decorations? There's Rockefeller. There's some trees over back here. There's a Santa. Finally, we spoke to some civilians who truly have experienced the nog of war. Fox has talked a lot about how there is a war on Christmas. I think there is.

If I were to say happy holidays, how would that make you feel? feel. I might correct you. Some people talk about saying happy holidays. Fox is really proud about saying Merry Christmas. They say there's a war on Christmas. There is. There's a war on Christmas? I believe it. Look around you. Look at all the businesses, look at the corporations that have, you know, not allowed you to say that. I think that people are scared to speak up about their Christianity, about their faith. Sure, there is a war on Christmas and the group facing the most vitriol for sure are Christians. I think so. I do. Christians? Specifically? Yes. Right now?

Right now. But is defending Christmas enough to put the Monsana's nice list, or does St. Nick reconsider when Fox News hosts say things like this? I want to say something about Arab Americans. We've had it with them. Okay, so Noddy or nice. Someone at Fox News said, we've had it with them, referencing Arabs in general. Oh, he's nice. So Jesse Waters would be in the nice category. Maybe because I'm a New Yorker, and I'm a...

pretty, you know, used to stuff. Used to stuff. You know, I've been mugged. You've been mine? Yeah. And so that's like led to an irrational fear that you basically project down to an entire group of paper. Yeah. So we got the five right here. Judge Jeannie andyneem.

Yes. Notty or nice. Nice. I love the judge. She sees the world. Yes. Call it as she sees it. Exactly.

That lady knows her way around. Exactly. A bar. A bar. A bar. when they lied to the American people about the election results? That's naughty. That's naughty.

That is naughty. We can acknowledge that's naughty. But overall Fox News? Nice. We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. Who hasn't threatened the entire nation's trust in democracy? No one moment, right?

Or 91. Right. We finally arrived at the moment to declare mission accomplished on the war on Christmas. Three, two, one. Ho! Yay! Happy, happy, happy, happy, Merry Christmas.

Until next year. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.