The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Best of Jordan Klepper and Jon Stewart

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Throwing it back to Jordan's first on-screen chat with Jon and his desperate need to please Dad, sorry...Jon. Jordan then attempts to capitalize off conservatives and patriotism's impact on NSA surveillance. Plus, Jordan helps Jon cover Trump becoming the first openly asshole president, and Jordan and Hasan Minhaj walk Jon through his Twitter mentions.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday?

I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. For more of the story, we're joined by our new senior Caucasian correspondent. Jordan Clepper, Jordan, thank you for joining us on the program. We appreciate it. Jordan, welcome the show, first of all. We're excited to have you. You are in Crimea.

Obviously, you have studied this region for years. Yes, that is 100% true. Okay, as you know, the Crimean Peninsula is ethnically Russian. Now it's important to remember a peninsula is a landmass surrounded on three sides by water, unlike an island or an Isthmus. Now the Crimean Peninsula is dependent on Russia for most of their natural resources. Actually, they're dependent on the Ukraine for most of their natural resources. Right, right. Stupid.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm not going to fail you, Dad. John. It's all all right, Jordan. It's fine. Just relax. How are the people feeling? They're scared, John. Real scared. A little sweaty. Because they have ties to both the Ukraine and Russia? Is that? Uh, sure? I mean, if you'd asked them a week ago, would you like to be a part of Russia? They would have been like, yes, Russia is my favorite.

I'd love to join Russia. I watch Russia every night. But now they don't know what they've gotten themselves into, you know, and they think, maybe I've gotten a little bit in over my head. Just say, it's fine. You're doing fine. Stay focused. What have you learned so tod tod to to to to nine to get an outside line. Lunch is at one. And if I keep my head down here for a couple of years, I've got a real shot at my own sitcom on NBC.

I'm blowing it. No, you're not blowing it. Everything's fine. You're in Crimea. Yeah. Yeah. I'm blowing it! No, you're not blowing it!

Everything's fine. You're in Crimea. Now, obviously it's daybreak there. Oh, actually, I'm going to stop you there, John. It's 6.15 at night. Although, obviously we are pretending it's 11. to 11. 15, which in Crimea is 6.15 in the morning, where I'm supposed to be your dad I am so sorry no you're not you're doing great okay there's don't there's an almost nothing you can do

to mess up one of these reports trust me thank you thank you that's I mean, this is kind of a big deal for me, John. This is kind of a big deal for me, John. This means a lot to me. And my parents are watching at home, you know? Stay clean and sober, Jordan, you know, and that record will get expunged. Just keep to it, work hard. You know. You think you could go back to Crimea or is that?

Thanks. Yes. You got it, boss. You got it, boss. Yes. Ah. Live from Crimea. Jordan Clubman, we'll be right back. As in every story these days, at some point, someone is going to get caught unaware when

a thing they say makes them the weather vein for the entire national s-storm. Owners of Memories Pizza in Wackerton, Indiana, they say they support the new law and planed to act accordingly. If a gay couple was to come in, their Indiana. They say they support the new law and plan to act accordingly. If a gay couple was to come in, like say we wanted, they wanted us to provide them pizzas for a wedding, we would have to say no. Oh, previously anonymous pizza lady who was interviewed for a local news story. Buckle your seatbelt. The social media storm ensued.

The threats, the nasty tweets. Inundated with negative comments. They had to shut down because of threats that they were receiving. One woman who tweeted something to the effect of who's going to come to Wackerton and help me burn down memories pizza. But if they did that, everyone everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. the, the, the, the, the, b. the, b. th. th. B. th. B. th. that, that, that, that, that, to come to Wackerton and help me burn down memories pizza. But if they did that everyone would say, oh man that place that was here, what was that called again? I can't.

I have no recollection that's just a distant. It's quite a backlash. But what the internet taketh so the internet giveth. A go fund me campaign has been set up and has raised almost half a million dollars in one day. $842,000. That's how much money's been raised in support of Memories Pizza. Indiana pizza better be good, **** pizza, that's all I can say. For more we go to senior correspondent, Jordan, Jordan, who is in Indiana tonight.

Jordan! Thank you for joining us, my friend! What, Jordan, what do you make of this storm around this business? I got to say, John, I get it. Probably because I too am a business owner. You are? Yeah, absolutely. I recently started a restaurant, a pizzeria, in fact.

Really? And what's it called? Uh, recollections pizza. Come one, come everybody who isn't gay. No, all right, Jordan. I see what you're doing here. But I think the anti-gay pizzeria donation train, prize already left the station, little tab.

OK, you didn't let me finish, John. Gays and immigrants. Won't serve immigrants. No. No. What was the name of your place? Uh, I'm calling it, ances of Calzone's past. Our slogan is, hey, remember that Calzone we had that one time?

Jordan, you're just trying to profit from this bigotry side. That's awful. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Stewart, call off the attack dogs. I'm just a liberty-loving American trying to serve some home-cooked food with a dashed charm and a pinch of absolutely no immigrants. Also, I don't know, no Muslims. Jordan, this is a law for Christian belief. You're not even a fundamentalist Christian for God's sake.

Oh, BS, I'm not! You're not! I love that sandals guy. You don't know. Yeah! Yeah! You know with the Jared Leto their hair and Look, I won't remember his name. See, I knew you'd try to persecute me for my beliefs. How are you being persecuted, George?

Are you kidding? In this environment, I don't know if I can even open my newest place, deja vu meatballs. Slogen is, hey, didnthis is not going to work. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I just think real America wants a place where they can eat with their family without being harassed by some dirty Chinaman.

That's got to be like 50K right there, right? Jordan, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, what am I doing? I'm watching my Go Fund Me campaign and it is blowing up. No, thanks to you, you East Coast Hollywood Liberal. Boom! Just past two million bucks, Jabys the-million bucks? What are you going to do with all that money? Don't donate it to the church, of course. Oh, I get, well, all right.

I'm fucking with you, John Cl Jordan, Clepper, everybody. Here we try. For more, we turn to senior surveillance correspondent, Jordan Clepper, Jordan! This seems like... This seems like a big turning point for the NSA. Where does the NSA go from here? Hopefully, further. Much, much further. In a world this dangerous, you can never collect enough intelligence. And I'm not just talking about phone data. The clue

that stops the next terror attack could be in a pile of unopened bank statements on your kitchen table, or in a giant bag of taxi receipts you've been accumulating since you moved to New York six years ago. The NSA should really just take it all. Maybe even organize it. I'm not sure the NSA is interested in a bad way. John, we're talking about national security. We can't let anything slip through the cracks. The NSA should be storing it all from a complete set of Fraser DVDs that you haven't watched in years but can't bear to part with. Or maybe, I don't know, like a box of your cherished trophies and yearbooks. You just doing some spring cleaning, Jordan?

What? No! John, I'm gathering potential intel for terror-thwarting purposes. There's a lot of actionable stuff here in this, uh, this class of 97. Look, oh, stay cool. John, I never was cool. That's clearly some kind of jihadist code. I hope you finally get some in college. What does that even mean? Get some, huh? I'll tell you what they're talking about, plutonium.

Now, Jordan, I'm not, I'm not trying to question your patriotism in any way, but you appear to be trying to get the NSA to just store your junk for you. Why don't you just get yourself one of them self-storage units? Yeah, for 300 bucks a month? No, thank you. Look, you're telling me, the NSA doesn't have on, Joy, this isn't even about protecting America anymore. How dare you, sir? My love of country knows no bounds. Hell, for all I care, the NSA can interrogate.

I don't, uh, my dog, you know? Maybe for like a long weekend, preferably around the Cape Cod clam jam. And then, you know, then I can pick mopsy up on my way back home. While I'm there, I can also drop off some winter coats. Your apartment's pretty small, isn't it, Jordan? I can't even lie down, Jim. All right, thank you, Jordan, Clapper, everybody. We'll be right back. I didn't realize.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, it's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but

how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John's presidential bid because, you know, why not? Nothing else really is fun to talk about. We turn to senior election correspondent Jordan Clepper, who is at Trump International Hotel. Jordan, thanks for joining us. Yes. Hello, John. Jordan, yeah. Jordan, a month into Trump's campaign, and he has already managed to alienate most of his own party.

I know. The man is truly an inspiration. He, he, wait. An inspiration to whom? Well, to me, to my hedge fund manager, to frat boys everywhere, John. Don't you see, Donald Trump could very well be our first openly asshole president. Come on. That can't be true. That can't even be true.

What about Andrew Jackson? He was an asshole. Oh, no, no, no, Jackson was a compassionless killing machine. Warren Harding. Harding was a dickhead, not an asshole. It's nuanced, you know, but there is a difference. Nixon, clearly an asshole. It's nuanced, you know, but there is a difference. Nixon. Nixon clearly an asshole. Yeah, gaping. A gaping asshole, but closeted. Now Nixon's assholishness went unconfirmed up until those tapes leaked, but Trump, on the other hand, says it loud and proud.

I'm here, I'm an asshole. Get used to it, you Mexican rapist losers. Well, you know, I mean, to be perfectly honest with th th th th th thi, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, I, I, I, I, I'm an asshole, get used to it, you Mexican rapist losers. Well, you know, I mean to be perfectly honest with you, and I admit it, I never did, I never thought about it that way. John, clearly you're one of those people who is prejudiced against asshole Americans. Jordan, that's that's totally not true. I'm very close friends who are assholes. Oh, really? Yep, like who? Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd. John, John, thank you for the shout out, buddy.

Thank you. Really, this is the best asshole you could come up with? Hey, Clepper, I just f-fee your dad watched. Side show Bob looking, nobody, piece of shit. Trump, 2016! Yeah, I stand corrected. That guy's a real asshole. See, I told you. I get it now.

Trump's campaign is a step-forward for ass-holes everywhere. told you. I get it now. Trump's campaign is a step forward for ass-kind. Well, not just a step, a giant leap for ass-kind. John, let me tell you you you you you you you to to to to to to to to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to me to-a to-a to-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-s tooom tooom tooom tooom th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th-a-a-s tho. tho. tho. tho'-s tho'-s tho'-s tho'-s tho'-s. tho'-s. tho'-see-seeea-s. to-s. tho'-sea-s. tho'-s. to-s. John, let me tell you a story about little boy. People used to say to meet to him, little boy, you'll never be president. You're way too big an asshole, Jordan boy, little boy. Then he'd cry myself to sleep while listening to Nickleback.

John, do you know who that little me was? It was you. No. It was little me was? It was you. No, it was me, John. It was me. Huh. But today, today is a new day, not just for me, but for the little assholes out there at home, sassing their underpaid cleaning woman. To the grown assholes out there running their first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong parts of Wolf of Wall Street. Now, now those assholes can dream. And so we say thank you Donald Trump for being such a tremendous asshole. Jordan that that was beautiful. Thank

you. Thank you, John. And by the way I also fucked your mom while your dad watched. My dad's passed away, Jordan. Yikes. Sorry. Paul Rudd makes it look so easy. I'm sorry. Over the past couple of weeks, we've been drinking cold syrup before the show. I'm sorry. We've been encouraging you to send questions you've always wanted to ask. I haven't been drinking Nyquil before the show.

Anyway, we wanted you to send questions that you've always wanted to ask by a Twitter. Well, tonight I answer those questions in a segment we call. Hey, it's going to be, uh, I'm sorry, I thought we were doing a roundtable. Yeah, have a seat, John. Sure, I thought, okay, what's this all about? I'm just gonna... People want answer, Stuart. I, I know, that's, I'm happy to give them and we're gonna... Yeah, prove it.

Prove it. At Benefits, Babe wants to know, who who who who who who who to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the to the to to the the to the to the to give them and we're gonna... Yeah, prove it! At Benefits Babe wants to know who was your favorite guest of all time? Oh, Jimmy Carter, President Jimmy Carter, because usually he's drunk. And right afterwards he's always like, can we go look for a horse? So it's like, so that's always... Yeah, okay, you think this is funny. You think it's funny, don't you, Mr. Chuckles? You know, Jordan, I, I didn't want to do this. No, I'm sure you didn't.

But I have to. I didn't want to necessarily. Jesus, what is it's the- What is it? Jesus. What is, you're, the Macon Fork. What is that? D'Ninos? No, Hassan, just, just, please, it's fine. My favorite guest are my friends. I get to not work, f'k around with them for five minutes,

and it's an honor to sit across people also like Malala, Desmond Tutu, Jimmy Carter. Just put the cutler down. Just eat it with your hands. Can we focus, Stuart? Can we focus? Let him digest it however he was, alright? I just saw, you know... Look. It is still pizza. Twitter wants to know. Now, at life his desire asks, what is written on the blue papers you scribble on?

Oh, that's it. I've always wanted to know that one. It's not like I've been writing a novel one sentence a day for 16 years about the struggles of a female blacksmith working in a male-dominated profession. It's funny. Okay. I'm making jokes. So you're doing.

If I wanted jokes, I would have asked someone. That's gonna to thii. That's, you know. God forgive me for what I am about to do. Don't do this. What are you going to do? Is this? Frank. Get me snooching.

No! No! No! No! Come on! No, don't do it! No, don't do it! No!

Don't do it! No! No! I'm a terrible actor! What? I can't watch anymore, and neither could people that were supposed to pay money for that. What is that? Is that your attempt to look desperate and sad? I mean, uh, you are terrible.

I can't act. Look, the blue papers are a script. I'm just scribbling on him. I get bored. I can't smoke any more. Or I doodle the same the same the same theodle the same cartoons over and over again. That's what I go. God, I want to see that cartoon. I want to see that's so bad. Show me that cartoon. This is what I actually do.

All right, so what I normally do is I draw just a roundheaded drunk guy like that, a juffro. I mean, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. But, but at Sam put simply, he wants to know, is there an algorithm for what cities go on the globe ticker every show? But no, there's no algorithm? I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, John, don't make us do this, Stuart. Look, we've got a guitar, a pair of terrible voices and we like making up our own lyrics to Born to Run.

I am Bruce Brinksin I was born to suck. Baby, I'm right. Chuck O'Neill, our director, Chuck Chuck O'Neill, he chooses the cities based on a theme like places with famous, our countries, countries in the World Cup. We think th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thiii. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, I thin, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, I'm thin, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, I'm, Bruce, Bruce, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm Bruce and I'm Bruce and I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I am th. I am, I am, I am, I am, I thian. I th. I I th. I th. I th. I I th. I th. I th. I and Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, I thr. I'm, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, and thin, and thin, and the thin, and the the thin, and the the thin, Bruce, and Bruce, Bruce, and Bruce, and the the throwne. And throwne. I'm throwne. I the viewers can play at home I'm sorry that's all it's okay good that's fine that's fine but one last thing all all right all right all right at L99 blood wants to know marry Mary shag or kill Larry Wilmore John Oliver Stephen Colbert look guys these my friends I'm not gonna drive a wedge between a saying which one I would to marry I would marry kill let's just some things are best left on said let's the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. Let's th. thus the. Let's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the., fuck kill. Let's not. Let's just, some things are best left on said. Let's not. I hope it wouldn't come to this. Do this.

Let's not worry about this type of, what is that? What is that? You know what this is. You know what this is. You know what talking, we're gonna make you eat it instead. Oh, come on! Open up that ass call it.

Fine, I fucked every one of them. Every single one of them, in every room, and then I would make them breakfast in the morning. And then I would hold, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. tho, the. the the the the the the the hold... Hey, hey, whoa. And I would nuzzle my head into them. No, no, what, what, no, no, wait, hey, hey, hey. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.