The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show Covers Trump's Indictment

Episode Date: December 31, 2023

The Daily Show guest hosts covered Donald Trump's journey from the campaign trail to the courtroom. John Leguizamo discusses Trump's denial of criminal activity and the grand jury's vote to indict him only days later. Plus, Roy Wood Jr. tackles Trump's New York arraignment and his attacks on the judge during his Mar-a-Lago speech.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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egos and accounts of the extraordinary power of decency. Listen on the I-Heart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. You're listening to Comedy Central. Okay, let's kick things off with Donald Trump. That's right. The man so bad at sex he pays people not to talk about it. Yep. We're still all waiting for the cops to arrest him for lying about his affair with a porn star, but until then, he's continuing his presidential campaign and staying focused on the important issues, like lying about his affair with a porn star.

Former President Trump used his first official campaign rally in Waco, Texas to denounce the legal threats against him. People see it's bullshit and they go and they say it's unfair. The district attorney of New York under the auspices and direction of the Department of Injustice in Washington DC was investigating me for something that is not a crime, not a misdemeanor, not an affair. I never liked horseface. I never liked.

I never, it's just not. It's terrible thing. That wouldn't be the one. There is no one. We have a great first lady. Wow. Nice save bro. You could actually see his brain try to turn the car around and his mouth was driving. I didn't have an affair and I never had an affair and I'm actually, I actually never had sex. Did you know that? I'm a virgin and the best and biggest virgin ever?

By the way, I do the worst Trump impersonation in the world. I suck at doing Trump. But yeah, over the weekend, Trump kicked off his 2024 campaign in Waco, Texas. I love that Trump's running for office and from the law at the same time. How great is that? He's going to be the first presidential candidate who's going to be giving speeches from his getaway car. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. My fellow Americans, we've got a lower inflation. we've got to get a handle on China. And most importantly we have to crack down on crime. You'll never take me alive, your pigs!

Yeah, I think my trumpet impersonation is getting better, don't you? You're just being nice, I know, I love you. You know we've had such a heavy week of news, so I thou, you is getting better, don't you? Just being nice, I know, I love you. You know we've had such a heavy week of news, so I thought, you know, we'd wrap up things this week with some light-hearted news that's really gonna put a smile on your face. We're interrupting this package right now, because we have some breaking news,

and it is historic news out of Lower Manhattan right now. A federal-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-a-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-a-in-a-in-s-s-s-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th-s, th- has voted to indict former president the first time ever that a former president has been criminally charged That's right. I lost my chair. Yeah, yeah. That's right. That's right. That's right. Lady Justice grabbed Trump by the pussy. And you know, I take a firm stance against mass incarceration, okay?

But for this, I'm willing to make an exception. I just hope they take it easy on him and put him at least in a cell with his lawyer. But hey, let this be a lesson to all your kids out there, okay? If you commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after like seven years and a full term as president. Now I know we're all open to see him put in handcuffs, but we don't know how it's all going to go down. The report is that they're going to try to negotiate his surrender. Either that or they'll leave a trail of Big Max leading to the prison. And you know a lot of pundits like Lindsay Graham are saying

this is going to be good for Trump but mother fuck why don't you get arrested and see if it's good for you. Shit. Shit. Anyway, we don't know when this will actually arrest him or how it's going to pan out, but hey, maybe going to prison might be good for Trump, it may be what he needs. Because at least in prison he'll be able to pursue his greatest passions, reading, working out, and converting to Islam. Let's move on to the real championship game.

The state of New York versus Donald J. Trump. Oh Trumpy. Oh, Trumpy was indicted last week for paying a porn star hush money. You know Trump got to be mad. He paid all that hush money. Did nobody hushed. It's messed up. It's in the word. Hush. But no affair, no affair has been less hushed than this one. Everybody know about this damn affair. There's uncontacted tribes in the Amazon who know that Trump

bone Stormy Daniels are. I do not know what a plane is. But I do know that Storm and Daniel spank Trump with a magazine. Now, excuse me, say, now look, now if you notice I did not do a native accent, I'm not trying to get canceled on my first day. I am holding a spear, my back, but I didn't do no accent. The point is, Trump has been indicted and tomorrow, the circus is coming to town. New York City this morning, preparing, to, to to to be, to to be, to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I, th. I, the, the, the, tr. I, tr. tr. tr true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true, the. tomorrow the circus is coming to town. New York City this morning, preparing to become the setting for an unprecedented legal and political drama, as Donald Trump returns to face the criminal charges against him. Mr. Trump expected to face some 30 separate charges, the first ever filed against a former president

in an indictment handed up last Thursday. Still secret and under seal until his arraignment. Mr. Trump's arraignment Tuesday will include being processed at the courthouse, with fingerprints and a DNA sample expected to be taken as well. But he likely won't be handcuffed, and secret service agents will protect him at every turn. That's right. Trump's got to provide a DNA sample. Which if you think about it, that's kind of how he got in this mess in the first place. Upside with Trump's DNA, the upside with Trump's DNA, now the NYPD could probably solve a bunch of cold cases from the 80s. Why are they arraigning him like he's a normal person? He ain't a normal person?

Tropic ain't a normal person? Normal people don't bring the Secret Service to get arrested. And to be honest, I kind of feel sorry for the Secret Service agents. You get assigned to a former president. You're supposed to be going to baseball games and windsurfing. You get assigned to Trump, you gotta go to Rikus. You gotta take a shank for this man. You gotta taste the toilet wine, make sure it ain't poison.

You gotta dig the escape tunnel, then dump the dirt in a softball field. I'll never forget the day Donald Trump showed up on the yard with six Secret Service agents. He thought I was Ben Carson. My Morgan Freeman's terrible. I gotta work on it. But it's not all bad for Trump. He's already raised five million dollars since the news dropped on Thursday. Five million dollars!

This man is balling, five million dollars. Do you know how many cigarettes that'll get you in prison? Honestly, this might be teaching this man the wrong lesson. Trump gonna start telling people to snitch on him for other crimes he did just so he can get that bag too. Trump will be the first man in history to pay unhush money. Going to jail might be the new way to fundraise if you're a politician. Hillary probably sitting around like, hell, $5 million shit. Maybe they should have locked me up.

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Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast. So we are here in New York City and today was one for the history books because when today began we were preparing for the craziest day in New York since the stay puff marshmallow man came to time and busted a nut on the whole city. That wasn't marshmallows. But today was even crazier, because today was Trump Arraignment Day. This is breaking news. In a remarkable chapter of American history, for the first time, a former president faced a judge in a criminal courtroom

on charges he broke the law and it happened right here in New York City. Former President Trump pleads not guilty to 34 counts of falsifying business records related to hush money payments. The photograph is stark and historic as we look at it, Donald Trump. That's a man who looks like a defendant, you know the former president. I've seen that face not many times. He's, he looks somber. Look at you.

Look at your ass now. They got your ass. Ain't so tough no more. Ain't so tough. You spend all that money talking shit about the judge. He talked shit about the DA. Oh, I'm a march in the courtroom, and I'm gonna shut your ass up.

Look at how sad Trump looks. My man looked like somebody told him his dog died, or that Mike Pence is still alive. And you can talk all the shit you want, but I'm telling you, baby, the moment you in that courtroom, thah shit, thin' thin' thin' thin' th I'm telling you baby the moment you in that courtroom that shit get real. Trump's sitting there like wow you're really gonna do this to me huh? And he alone ain't none of your boys around no more you gave them all pardons and everybody know you don't pardon all your partners you got to leave one in jail so you have somebody to talk to you know on top of all that, this is how I know Trump did something. I don't know what the guilty of, but he did something.

Look at that outfit. First day of court he in a suit that don't even fit. Why would you do that? Gwinniff Powtrow showed you the cheek-cold, You got to dress for court like you own your way to somewhere else. Look at Gwynif Powtro. You can't convict me these glasses or Cartiers. Cardias, is that how you say it? I don't know, I can't afford nice glasses. So as you can imagine, it was a crazy day in New York.

And the city was ready for anything. Barricades were laid out, every police officer was on duty. Even Mayor Eric Adams said he might not go to the club tonight. Just in case you don't need them. Because you know he'd be in the club. He got to keep the phone on vibrate, but call him twice so he know it's an emergency. And the cops, I'll give the NYPD this, they were ripe to set up all the barricades. Trump supported swarmed downtown Manhattan and filled the streets with red, white, and blue. It was like a Puerto Rican day parade for people who want to deport Puerto Ricans. And to the police's credit, to the police's credit, to their credit, they handled

it perfectly. They kept everybody on both sides far enough apart so nobody. To their credit, they handled it perfectly. They kept everybody on both sides far enough apart so nobody got hurt, but close enough so they can still roast the shit out of each other. Ah, yes. The classics. Don't nothing win an argument faster than a yo mama. It hit like a shit, just plain, your mama. You lose, I, no matter what you said. Donald Trump is a political prisoner, unfairly targeted by the criminal justice system. Your mama, bitch. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That's how it hit you, you bleed out. Whoa, oh, whoa, go. Let's move on to the big story. The arrest of Donald J. Trump. Oh, you heard about it. Oh, you heard about it. Y'all heard about it? Okay, I thought it was just a little under, you know, little.

Yesterday was a momentous day for Donald J. Trump. He was indicted for 34 counts of falsifying business records and also one count of clogging the courthouse, you know, a little true. So old Trump, he went down to the courthouse, looked around stupid for a couple of minutes, then fled on his private jet to Florida because as you all know, Florida does not have an extradition treaty with the United States. He rolled up to Marlago and then waved to a support us and then offered to put a thumb up their butt.

What is this? Seriously. What, who adds motion to a thumbs up? It's simple. Just lock the elbow. Trump got to be the first person to add the jerk off motion to a thumbs up. Thanks so much for coming out. I really appreciated it.

Wow. So then after all of that, it was time for Trump to give us big speech. And, sidebar, why people still going to Trump's speeches? Like, I get it. That's your dude, but you know what he gonna say. He's saying the section, Donald Trump is a comedian that ain't changed his act in years. You know what he gonna do. Liberal media be doing this and Joe Biden, Joe Biden and them they be doing this. Y'all know I ain't lying. Come on now DJ kicking. The only thing that changes year to year with Trump is who his enemy is.

For this fight, he's got two new ones. In a defiant speech at Marlago, the former president claimed he's a victim and targeted the prosecutor and judge in the case. They can't beat us at the ballot box. So they try and beat us through the law. The criminal is the district attorney. I have a trump-hating judge with a trump-hating wife and family. Who, you know, go to trial and talk shit about the judge. That's bold.

The judge could destroy you. He could destroy you and you're riling them up. You're about to fight cocaine bar. You don't offer him crack first. And he didn't just call out the judge. Trump called out the kids. You don't pull the kids. And even rappers don't go after the kids,

and they murder each other. And Trump said the man has a Trump-hating wife. But to be fair, to be fair, I don't even know if that was an insult. Because Donald Trump also has a Trump-hating wife. You can't tell me Melania don't hate that man. If anything, this week was confirmation. If y'all think Trump, let me ask you this thing. During Donald Trump's 45 minutes as a political prisoner, where was his wife? Many people noticed the former first lady, the former president's wife,

Melania Trump, was not in attendance last night. His wife, former first lady Melania Trump, she was not there. Among the guests were ardent Trump supporters, including Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green, and the my pillow founder, Mike Lindell. One person noticeably absent last night was former First Lady Melania Trump. Even the pillow salesman showed up for the speech. But his own wife didn't show up.

And the speech was at the house. Melania didn't even come downstairs. She just, she opened up the bedroom door. Oh, you're back from prison already. Oh. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show. Wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Do nice guys really finish last. I'm Tim Harford, host of the Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. From New York to Tahiti will examine villains undone by their villainy, monstrous self-devaring egos and accounts of the extraordinary power of decency. Listen on the IHart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official

Survivor podcast on fire and this season we are joined by fan favorite and survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action Charlie I'm excited to do this together. Thanks Jeff so excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to on fire the Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get your podcasts.