The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show: Global Edition - Coronavirus Fears, Democratic Primaries & Women's History Month

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Trevor urges people to remain calm during the coronavirus pandemic and breaks down the Democratic primaries, and Dulce Sloan addresses a Women's History Month discrepancy. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever

you get your podcasts. For the week of March 9th, 2020. From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York, this is the Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Welcome to the Daily Show Global Edition. I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin, some news out of Hong Kong. Officials are warning people not to kiss their pets because a dog contracted coronavirus. Yes. However, it is still okay to take your dog to dinner and a movie.

You know, sometimes it's nice to do something without physical reward at the end. Here are this week's headlines. All right, so look, normally we would catch up on all of the headlines from around the world. You know, maybe we'd talk about Harvey Weinstein getting 23 years in prison. We could talk about the Supreme Court, giving President Trump a victory on immigration. But today, there's only one story the entire world is talking about, the coronavirus, aka COVID-19, a mumbo- number death. It's now in 110 countries, with over 122,000 confirmed cases,

and it looks like it's only getting worse. The World Health Organization today officially designating coronavirus as a global pandemic. Congress's in-house doctor to told Capitol Hill staffers at a closed-door meeting this week that he expects 75 to 150 million people in the United States to contract the coronavirus. New tests led by the US government scientists show the virus can live in the air for several hours and on some surfaces for up to three days. Oh, okay, that's a lot of information, so let's try and break it all down.

First, the World Health Organization has officially just declared coronavirus a global pandemic, which, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the cciiiolioliolioliolioliolviolviiolviiolviiiiolviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, the c the c the c the c, the c, the c, the c, the c. the c. the c. the c. the c. the c. Wea, the c. I, the c.c.c.c.5, tipe, tipe, tape, than, thauu.5, thau.c.5.5.c.5a, the the the the the the the the try and break it all down. First, the World Health Organization has officially just declared coronavirus a global pandemic. Which, yes, is scary for us humans, but from Corona's perspective, it's pretty cool. Yeah? No, because for a virus, this is like going platinum, you know? It's a big day. Started from the Wuhan, now we're here. I think it's pretty cool for Corona. And yes, I'm saying that because I hope if I suck up to corona to co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co co to co to co to co to co to co to co to co to co to co to co to co to co to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tho tho tho tho thro thro to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tho Corona and yes I'm saying that because I hope if I suck up to Corona it'll leave me alone I I'm not sure if it'll work but I'm gonna try it. Now the second piece of information is a little more disconcerting. Congress's in-house doctor says up to 150 million people in the United States could end up getting Corona. Yeah that is half the

country and the other half won't get it because they're clearly clearly clearly clearly clearly clearly clearly clearly clearly clearly the losers the losers they're clearly that is half the country. And then the other half won't get it because they're clearly losers who don't have friends. Yeah, it's gonna be like, how do you not have Corona? Has nobody touched you? I'd rather be dad. And the third point, it might be the most scary. We're learning that this coronavirus can't try to three days. Yeah. Although in New York, it doesn't stay as long because it can't afford the rent.

That's the good news. The housing crisis is real. Now on some surfaces like cardboard, apparently corona can only survive for a day if it's cardboard. But then on harder surfaces like glass, it can survive for much longer. So like your cell phone, that could be a problem. My advice, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, the th, the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, can can can can't thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, thi, thi, that could be a problem. My advice, clear your browsing history. Yeah, I mean, you might still get corona,

but at least the doctors won't see all the freaky shit you've been searching on your phone. Is this your emergency car? Wa'er's this? thrown, what the hell? And look, guys, I know we're all scared, but it's important to help anything. We're still learning about this. We're still learning about the mortality rate. And panic is not helping because right now, some people are letting their panic make them dumb as shit. The impact of the coronavirus being felt across the country

now affecting everything from air travel to schools to what's on store shelves or what's not on store shelves in some case some retailers seeing a run on many of the basics. Well just a crazy scene at a grocery store where toilet paper has been in high demand. Yeah, surveillance video shows a stampede of customers clearing the shelves. Fights over toilet paper, breaking out in grocery stores as shelves run empty. People, what are you doing? People, what are you doing? I really don't understand what people are doing.

You do not need to panic over toilet paper. Water, I would understand, right? Food, medicine, yes, but you can survive without toilet paper. Don't forget, you're in a bathroom. Oh, how will I clean my butt in this room with a shower? I feel like people in First World countries don't know what to panic about. Toilet paper, are you shitting me? Like, what's next?

People are just going to be running around Walmart, like, oh, where's the car wax? And maybe it's because, it's because where I grew up, there were times when we didn't have toilet paper. Honestly, when I was a kid, we didn't have toilet paper paper. We always made a plan, right? You can use newspaper, you just rub it together. This is a true thing, right? You can use paper towels.

Hell, everyone in America has a dog. Be like, I'd rather use my hands, Trevor. Look, man, just avoid panicking. Because if you panic, you stop thinking clearly. And if you're not thinking clearly, then you'll start to believe anything that you hear. And there is a lot of bad information that is out there. Well, the spread of the coronavirus, it's also led to a lot of spread of misinformation. There are more rumors going around on social media about how to avoid the coronavirus. Eating garlic, drinking bleach, snorting cocaine, yes, and masturbation are not miracle cures for coronavirus.

Yes. Drinking bleach, snorting cocaine, and masturbating is not the way to cure Corona. It's the way to kick off the most rock and roll party of your life. That's what that is. That's what that is. That's what that is. And I don't understand how anyone even falls for any of that. None of those things gets rid of the coronavirus.

Bleach gets rid of stains. You can't drink it. It's not gonna help you. Garlick gets rid of vampires, okay? Cocaine gets rid of your money. That's it. In a way, the only thing that makes sense is masturbating. Yeah, it won't cure you, but if you stay in and you do that all day, you'll probably have less chance of catching the virus.

Yeah, you know, if the CDC really wants people to self-quarine, forget the Puretel, they should just be handing out lotion. Here you go, stay home and social distance yourself, you know what I mean. All right, that's it for the headlines, let's move on to two major candidates. The old man from up and the old Captain America. And because yesterday was another big day on the path to the nomination, it's time to catch up on the latest developments in our ongoing segment, World War D. Yesterday, Democrats in six states went to the polls to cost their votes and get some coronavirus. And after a strong showing on Super Tuesday, Biden picked up right way he left off. Former Vice President Joe Biden expanded his lead in the Democratic presidential race.

Biden won in at least four of the six states which voted yesterday. He took the battleground state of Michigan by double digits. Biden now leads the race by 150 delegates, which significantly narrows any path to victory for Senator Bernie Sanders. Looking at the math tonight, I think it's almost certain that Bernie Sanders does not have a mathematical path to becoming the Democratic nominee. Let's shut this puppy down and let's move on and worry about November. This thing is decided.

There's no reason to keep it going, but not even a day longer. Okay, okay. Not talking reason needs to calm down. Yes. Okay, okay, okay. That talking raisin needs to calm down. Yes, Joe Biden had a great night. That doesn't mean you have to shut the primary down immediately. This is the presidential race, not a kissing booth in the Wuhan province, all right? Because, look, it is true,

that because of last night's results, they have already been calls for Bernie Sanders to step aside and let the slightly younger generation take over. But let me tell you something, if you think a little turbulence is going to shake Bernie Sanders out of the race, you need to think again. Senator Bernie Sanders earlier today, making clear he has no plans to drop out of the Democratic presidential contest. On Sunday, I very much look forward to the debate in Arizona with my friend Joe Biden. And let me be very frank as to the questions that I will be asking Joe. Joe, what are you going to do about the fact that we have the highest rate of childhood poverty? What are you going to do to end the terror that millions of undocumented people experience right now?

What are you going to do to end the absurdity of billionaires buying elections? Joe, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do when they come for you? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do when they come for you? Much men national, nice, national, nice, no, nice, no, no, no's national in the day. So yeah, for now, Bernie Sanders is not dropping out of the race. And what was interesting is some people were worried that the only reason Bernie was staying

was to burn the party to the ground. But after today's speech, it seems Bernie that he's giving Biden the questions beforehand. Yeah. He could have made a surprise, but now he's like one of those cool teachers in school that tells you what's gonna be in the test, you know? And you think they're being nice, but they just don't want to see your ass again

if you get held back. Bernie putting pressure on Biden in their first one-on-one debate this Sunday. And I'll be honest, I think Joe Biden is ready for the fight. And I say that, because yesterday, a video came out of Biden going toe toe with a factory worker in Michigan, and he was fired up. Earlier in the day touring an auto plant in Detroit, Biden had a testy exchange with a voter over gun rights. How you intend on getting the union vote when there is a large portion of the union workers that are gun enthusiasts and you are actively trying to diminish your Second Amendment right and take away her gun? You're a full shit. All right, thank you. Shush. I support the Second Amendment. I have a shotgun I have a 20 gauge, a 12 gauge, my son's hunt, you need 100 rounds?

So when you put the veto when you said you're going to take over a gun, that you're not saying that. I did not say that. It's a viral video. It's a viral video like the other ones are putting out that it's simply a lie. God damn. Wow, I can't believe Joe Biden got into a fight with that factory worker, especially considering that he was surrounded by all of his boys. I mean, yeah, that's risky. I guess so at the same time though, Biden knows those guys can't toucest him. Not because of secret service, but because of coronavirus. Yeah. No, touching anyone.

It's like, hold me back. No, seriously. But when we get a vaccine in 12 to 18 months, I'm gonna kick your ass! Until then, wash your hands, you're my. Now after this video came out, a lot of people, even some Democrats said that the worst part of that exchange was Biden telling a voter that he was full of shit. But what was interesting is that that factory worker went on Fox News today, and what he had to say was really different. When you looked at this confrontation it lasted for a long time. What's your response about his use of profanity?

You know, I'm kind of used to it in the workforce, and as a politician, I can understand the way how things have gone, you're not supposed to use profanity. But in this day and age, it's a language. I'm not going to hate him for that. And I use it all the time. Most people use it all the time. Wow. Wow. I won't lie. I was impressed by that.

That factory worker still doesn't agree with Biden on guns. He wasn't pretending to be his. the I liked is that he wasn't going to pretend to be offended by the profanity. And you could even see the Fox News anchor wasn't expecting that answer. Look at that face. Right? He looks like he was expecting a surprise party and instead he walked in on his parents having sex. That's what that face is. And maybe one of the reasons the guy wasn't offended was because whether it's Trump or Bernie or Biden, voters seem to like it when politicians talk like normal people. And I'll be honest, I'm hoping that the straight talking you're full of shit Biden becomes

his new thing. Yeah. Soon Joe Biden will just be walking into diners like, hey, asshole, that's a good-looking pickle. Which is what your mom said to me last night. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha all. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. th. th. tho, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thee the to the to the the the the tho the the thi. the the th a good-looking pickle. Which is what your mom said to me last night. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. All right, vote for me, fat ass. We'll be right back. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures treasures treasures treasures treasures treasures treasures treasures treasures treasures the treasures the treasures the the the treasures the tres treasures the the the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60the Daily Show. As you know, March is Women's History Month. Yes, yes.

It's the one month when Mike Pence can't be alone with the calendar. And to help us celebrate, we're joined by our senior women's history correspondent, Dosey Sloan, everybody. Hello. Happy Women's History Correspondent, Ducey Sloan, everybody. Hello. Happy Women's History Month. Happy? It would be happy if you got me a gift.

Well, another one. I just got you a gift for Black History Month. Yeah, because I'm black in February, and in March, I'm a woman. Oh, no, but that's not fair. Okay, so then when do I get a gift? In April, because you're a fool. Anyway, Trevor, have you ever wondered why women don't get the historic credit they deserve? Uh, sexism?

Statues, Trevor. Women don't have as many statues as men. In fact, nationwide, only 8% of outdoor statues are of women. Wow. How did you know that statistic? I drink Snapple. N' nationwide only 8% of outdoor statues are of women. Wow. How did you know that statistic? I drink Snapbook. Nigger I read. What? Internet?

Come on, dog. And I've seen it for myself. I was walking through Central Park the other day under duress. And I saw statues of Alexander Hamilton, Christopher Columbus, William Shakespeare, all famous men from history. But it comes to women, there's only two statues in Central Park, Alice in Wonderland and Mother Goose. Which makes no damn sense.

Alice is just a white girl who took Molly. And why does Mother Goose get a statue? All she did was fuck a goose. I don't think that's right. Fine, she made love to a goose. No, that's no one. Okay, anyway, Dulce, I'm lost. How does having more statues help? Because, Trevor, statues help us remember history. When you walk past the statue and you're like, oh yeah, MLK did have a dream. Thomas Jefferson was a complicated individual. And when you don't honor women the same way you honor men, you're leaving them out of history.

That's true. That's true. Well, at least, at least women have the statue of liberty. That's one of the most famous statues in the world. That doesn't count. We need statues of real women, not some giant French bitch holding an ice cream. No, someone like Tony Morrison, the first black woman to win, the Nobel Prize for Literature, or someone like Francis Perkins, the first woman appointed to a presidential cabinet. Or someone like Bionse. Or someone like Bionse. The first woman to be Bionse. Why doesn't she have a statue? I mean she's already standing like a statue. She's ready. This is actually a great idea.

But I hope you understand building thousands of statues of women is going to be difficult. I mean statues are expensive. You, this is going to be a project that's going to take a lot of time. Oh, I've already done it, Trevor. What? I've designed one statue to symbolize all women, their power, their beauty, their mystique. A flawless avatar of womanhood. That anyone can look at and see themselves. tham themselves. thamamamamamamamamamamamamam that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that anyone can look at and see themselves.

Don't say that that's a statue of you. Oh Trevor. I'm touched that you can see me in that art. No, it's literally you. It has your name on it. And also why are you holding a baby? You don't have kids. That baby symbolizes America, okay? Which women have been carrying for far too long! Possible.

Nah, I'm kidding. It's just Elvis baby. Because that's some history I want to make. Do you say Sloan everybody. We'll be right back. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at.

That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60the Daily Show. It's officially March, which means it's time to fill out your bracket for the big NCAA tournament. But what if you don't like watching basketball? Maybe you think it hurts the ball every time they bounce it on the floor. Yes, you're a weirdo, but still, we have just the tournament for you.

I'd like to introduce the Daily Show's Trump's best word bracket. You see, President Trump has the best words. And how do we know this? Because he told us. I know words, I have the best words. You know, I went to an Ivy League college. I know a lot of words.

I have like this incredible vocabulary. I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them. Believe it or not, I watch my words very carefully. There are those that think I'm a very stable genius. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Trump may be bad at disease control, immigration, domestic policy, and literally everything else, but when it comes to words, he truly is the best. So for March, just for March, just for March, we're th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, we th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch, I watch thi wa wa wa, I watch thu thi wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I wa, I th th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th th th th th th th thi thi that tho that tho' wo' wo' woananananananananananananananananananananan' woanananan' woanan' woanan that that when it comes to words, he truly is the best. So for March, just for March, we're hosting a tournament to pick his best, best word.

Because let me tell you, he's got a lot of them. In 1870, President Eulicious S. Grant. President Franklin Delano, Roosevelt. He was awarded the Bronze Star and the Combat Infantribent Band. Hot, Lung and Liver Transpans. You're going to see some Stix, Sotix coming out by Anonymous. Anonymous. You know, we just said another stock market. You saw that right. The stock market. I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges, on the oranges of the investigations,

the beginnings. Expectations in the House for the Midtown and Midturn year. And God bless the United States. Thank you very much. Yeah. I don't know about you guys, but I've never heard better words. That clip makes me proud to live in the United Shesh. And I know a lot of what happened they had the haters going, oh does Trump have dentures, was his mouth dry?

Did Russia attack his tongue? No. Trump just came up with a better word for the country and he used it. Because our president has the best words. And thank God he does. You see, with so much uncertainty in the world, the volatility of the slock rocket, all the negative climate statistics.

And so many Americans waiting for organ transpants, it's comforting to know that we have a president who comes from a higher place, unlike the rest of us, who come from humble oranges. And I could play, I could play clips of Trump all day saying trumpy words, but I'm not going to do that. Okay, I am going to do that. Deploying the whole state to be a sanctionanchory for criminal way of all applicable state taxes. Made a pivotal, really, and I mean this was pivotal. A lot of work has been done, a lot of renovations, if you look at some of it.

Shield and shelter, criminal, look, look, heroin alone, if you look at the heroin epidemic. Venezuela is by Venezuela, so. Venezuela's. As Hurricane Irma approaches, in April of 2014, these historic accomadments, working to improve this country and your government. And then they announced there was snow by snow. See that. Trump is so great. for government. And then they announced there was snow by snow. See that?

Trump is so great at words. He doesn't even need to open his mouth to say that. And by the way, I want to take a second to congratulate our graphics department for fitting that word on the screen. Yeah. Fairly powerful. Well done guys. Three of our designers died in their tent, but it was worth it.

And of course, who can forget the devastation of Hurricane Irmer? So many Herms were destroyed. Sorry, guys, I didn't mean to be a Burmer. So what is Trump's best word? Well, there are 64 for you to choose from, and we've put them together in a bracket. All you can do is pick the best noun, adjective, or whatever you like. Just go to Daily Show Bracket.com, and there you can watch every video of the clips and every word.

And you let us know which ones you think are the best. the round one is open now, so please go and start picking. Because, tho many great things, but the words he gives us will live on as his most important, a compliment change. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. And subscribe to the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive

content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th,

wherever you get your podcasts.