The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show: Global Edition - Iowa and New Hampshire Are Total Opposites

Episode Date: February 16, 2020

Michael Kosta tackles the New Hampshire primary, Roy Wood Jr. celebrates black explorers, and Ronny Chieng finds out how universal basic income recipients spent their money. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to the Daily Show Global Edition. I'm Roywood Jr., host of the award-winning

CP Time. And in honor of Black History Month, Trevor has asked me to introduce the show. But before we begin, some news out of Spain, where authorities have shut down an international criminal gang that trafficked in stolen cardboard. So now if you want a huge amount of cardboard, you just have to buy something from Amazon. Thanks for somehow shipping me that wrist watch and five separate boxes.

Here this week's headlines. Let's kick it off with the big news. Equifax. Some people know them as a credit reporting agency. Others know them as a player hater that stops you from buying your couch. Well, you may remember that they were at the heart of a massive data hack. And now, we're finding out how it all went down. Good evening, it was one of the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest the biggest thii-a thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, th. thi, thi, thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thin, th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. that they were at the heart of a massive data hack, and now, we're finding out how it all went down. Good evening, it was one of the biggest cyber attacks in history, stealing the personal

information of nearly half of all Americans. From our social security numbers to birthdates. Now in a stunning announcement, the U.S. Justice Department is accusing a branch of the Chinese military with the 2017 hack of the credit rating company, Equifax. The Chinese team hid their tracks by using 34 servers in nearly 20 countries. The FBI believes China also hacked Marriott, the U.S. Government's personnel office, an insurance giant, Anthem, as it builds a massive database on every American. That's right. China is allegedly stealing people's private information to build a massive database on every American.

And you know somewhere right now, Mark Zuckerberg is like, back off China, that's my thing. But seriously though, I don't understand this. Like, China's beating the US in everything right now. Why would they steal American's information? And this is just to rub it in everyone's faces, you know, just like, ha ha! I know the answers to your security questions. Your first car was a Kia, what a bitch! What's even we're we're thiwa'er, is that they're even we're ta'eat?

And I mean, I get credit agencies, insurance companies, and they just going to tank the US economy by adding charges to the minibar? Is that what they're doing? No, because let's be honest, like everyone is just three tublerons away from bankruptcy. We're out. Those mini bars don't play. And I know some people are saying that China's doing this so they can steal Americans' identities. Yeah, but if that's true, the joke's the joke's the joke's thukeee's thuke's thew's th. th. It's th. It's thiii's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thrownease thrownease throwne. thi. throwne's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeeeea. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooe. the. the. the on them because half of Americans are in debt. Yeah, so if the Chinese steal those identities, it's going to backfire. It's like, I am Brian Taylor now. It's like, okay, Brian Taylor, you owe Verizon $400. No! All right, moving on to some education news.

Every public school struggles to raise money for its students and teachers, but a fundraiser at one elementary school might have backfired. Disney sent a $250 bill to a California elementary school after it showed last year's remake of the Lion King at a PTA fundraiser. On Thursday of Berkeley Elementary School received a letter from Disney's licensing agent, and the letter ordered the school to pay the money for screening the movie last November without a license. The Disney place wanted some money because they own like all of the movies. They showed the movie that they own, so they want the $250, they kind of want the $250,

they kind of want the $250. Oh no, young man. Disney doesn't kind of want the $250. Oh no, young man. Disney doesn't kind of want the $250. Disney's gonna get the $250. Yeah, right now, some way Yoda is like, my money bitch better have. So yeah, Disney sent a $250 bill to an elementary school for showing the Lion King. Meanwhile, the producers of cats are giving $250 to every school that shows their film.

Please, play the movie, plays a movie. Please. You can use this instead of spanking the kids. We're not monsters. Now, I'm like, this is what's getting, I'm sure there are many schools in America that play Disney movies and don't get busted. So what I want to know is tho tho the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their to their to to I want to know is, who snitched? Huh? Is there like one kid who had one of those toy phones that calls Mickey Mouse directly? Or was just like, Mickey, I got some valuable information? Mickey was like, oh, I'm on the way.

I'm gonna break some day caps. It's like, who was this kid? All right, and finally, Valentine's Day is just, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, to to to to thi. toee. toe. toe. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. away. So first of all, if you were planning to break up with someone, too late, now you have to wait another week. But if you've already been broken up with, here's a little gift you can get for your ex. Valentine's Day fast approaching, and we have the perfect idea for a very unique gift or a way to get back at an ex. The Bronx is once again letting people name a Madagascar hissing cockro, hiss their partner. That gift will only cost you 15 bucks. If you're looking for a way to feel better about a recent breakup, zoos in San Antonio and El Paso, Texas will name a cockroach after your ex.

Then check this out. You can watch a live stream of that roach being fed to an animal. Really? Really? Man, I feel bad for the cockroaches. They can survive a nuclear war, but they can't survive Alan and Janet's Saturday at IKEA? Really? And I'm sorry, but anyone who does this deserves to get dumped. They deserved it. Yeah, because you clearly don't know how to deal with your feelings.

It's like, Melissa thinks I'm too emotional, well I'll show her by making a cockroach die. Also, what a cumbersome way to get revenge on your ex. Like, because they won't know it happened, right, unless you tell them. It's not like they're going to be somewhere like, oh no, a cockroach with my name just died. You're gonna have to call your ex and let them know what you did. Is that the plan? Just be like, guess what, Susan? I named a cockroach after you, then a lizard ate it. It's like, uh, okay, Greg, I just had my third kid with the guy I left you for. Okay, so we're both good, so we're both, so th. So, so th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, tho, tho, th. that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to to to the. to thee. the. the. the. the. the. the., bye. Hello, Bronx Zoo. I need three more cockroaches, please. Also, can we admit that this is a scam that the zoo is running?

Buy a roach from them and they'll kill it? No. You can just find a cockroach in your own apartment. Yeah, name it after your ex, and then start dating it. All right, that's it on to our top story. New Hampshire it's the state always asking Vermont to do something about the weed smell but today they were the state holding the second Democratic primary and because normally the most exciting thing to do in New Hampshire is watch mountains grow election day

gets the people going like nothing else. After months of campaigning and millions of dollars in TV ads, it all comes down to this. Voters here in New Hampshire already heading to the polls. Overnight in New Hampshire, the first votes were cast in the Granite State, as they've done for decades, the tiny town town of Dixville Notch went to the polls at midnight. We were in Exeter, New Hampshire, Hampshire, New hamamamamamamamamamamamamam, the town, their, thiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, thi, thi, th, tho, th, th, and toe, and toe, and to the polls at midnight. We were in Exeter, New Hampshire, at the town hall there. It was beyond capacity. People have been coming in here all day. They've been lined up since 5 a.m. this morning. They vote for sport here in New Hampshire.

I have voted for Warren. Stierer. Why? He's cute. No, he seems like he can't. I voted for Bernie. I voted for Amy Clovershore. Tell me why? I actually went in and Eny, Mini, Mini Moed it. You're kidding. No, between two candidates. In the booth.

In the many, mini, mini, Mo. That's not how you should pick your potential future president. Although it is how the president picks his spray tan shade for the day. It's like, ety mini, money, more. Ooh, crambulet sounds fancy. So fancy. So, New Hampshire voters spent the day carefully deciding who they want to be the Democratic nominee. But of course, none of the votes matter if they aren't counted correctly, Iowa. Luckily, according to state officials, they've got this thing under control.

New Hampshire's Secretary of State Bill Gardner, he told us he slept well last night and today's voting will be simple and secure. Keep it simple. Keep the moving parts, the smallest number you can't. Could this be hacked in any way? You can't hack a pencil. How many apps do you have involved in this process? We don't have any apps involved in any way. You can't hack a pencil. How many apps do you have involved in this process? We don't have any apps involved in any of the tabulating of the comments. No apps. No apps.

It's an app-free election. You can guarantee that. Yes. You know, it's funny how a few years ago, people were like, guys, we need to vote with our phones. thoo. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thanks to the disaster in Iowa, it's like, we're going back to how our forefathers did this, okay? Everyone gets one rock and we put it in a jar. Yeah!

Then our slaves count the rocks. What? Oh, too far? Too far back. For more, on New Hampshire's big day, we go now to our correspondent who is live in the Granite State right now. Michael Costa, everybody! Michael, you're on the ground in New Hampshire. What is the energy like? Hey, Trevor, I am not going to lie.

Today's been pretty stressful for the Democratic candidates. In fact, Joe Biden was so tense, he gave himself a surprise massage. Well, it makes sense, Costa, because thanks to Iowa there's so much more writing on this primary. Well not only that but the candidates have had only one week to completely change their cultural messaging because Iowa is mostly white people but New Hampshire is mostly white people. Costa I don't get the difference it sounds like both states are just a bunch of white people. Wow Trevor just a bunch of white people. Wow, Trevor, just a bunch of white people?

That is so insulting. First off, it's not a bunch. The collective noun for white people is a gluten of white people. And second, white people are not a monolith. We are a rich tapestry of ethnic diversity. Let me show you on my Caucasian color wheel, okay? Now, see, the New Hampshire white people fall here in the egg shell section,

while the Iowa whites are all the way over here in the oatmeal cream section. Costa, that's just basically a blank circle. White is not blank, Trevor. Zero is not nothing. Free to go is not innocent of all charges, although you do hear that a lot when you're white. I mean, how would you feel if I said there was no difference

between black people in South Africa and black people in... What's another country with black people? Well, there's this one. This one? I never heard of it, but I'm sure this one is a beautiful country. Okay, look, Costa, I'm not saying there's no difference. I just don't understand how the candidates campaign differently in New Hampshire versus Iowa. It's a totally different ball game.

For example, in Iowa you can say, it's great to be here in Iowa, but that's not going to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to fly to to to to to to tootally different ball game. For example, in Iowa, you can say, it's great to be here in Iowa, but that's not gonna fly in New Hampshire. Yeah, are you right? That does seem like a challenge. And then there's the voters. Remember, you're talking to very different groups of people. Iowans are rural, while New Hampshireites are not urban.

Okay? Okay, Iowans are blue collar, but New Hampshireians are working class. Plus, Iowans call it pop, and New Hampshireinos call it soda. They're basically different planets. I don't know about that, Michael. A lot of people don't agree with your assessment. For instance, how would you respond to the criticism that these predominantly white states aren't the best states to kick off the primaries? Because these candidates could be starting in a more representative state of the country,

like California or Florida. I hear what you're saying, Trevor. And yes, Iowa and New Hampshire are white. But hear me up. They're all so boring as hell, okay? And that's what we want. We don't want our candidates going to fun states like Florida or California. If you gotta spend a year campaigning in Miami, everyone would be running for president.

But if you're willing to spend a year eating bland food and sub-zero temperatures pretending to care about how big a pumpkin is, that's how I know you really want to be president, okay? And that's why the road to the White House has to go through here, Des Moines, Iowa. No, Costa, you're in New Hampshire. What? No, who cares?

These places are all the fucking same anyway. Michael Costa, everybody. We'll be right back. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. Welcome back to the Daily Show. It's February, which is officially Black History Month. And we're celebrating all month with Roywood Jr. honoring the unsung heroes of Black History in another episode of CP Time. Ah, welcome to CP time.

The only show that's for the culture. Today, we'll be discussing black explorers. Now, I know what a lot of people think of explorers, they only think of white people, like Christopher Columbus, Lewis and Clark, or that Twitchie lady that drives the magic school bus. But what many people don't know is that black people have also been instrumental in discovering new lands. It just don't get any of the credit. Like how I discovered the duggy,

no one gave me credit. I was covered in spiders, and I was just trying to get them off me. Our first black explorer is a man by the name of Matthew Henson, the first man to reach the North Pole in 1908. It was an incredible feat, not just because he discovered the North Pole, but also because he was a black man who wasn't afraid of going head-to-head against winter. The only place I would want to discover is Miami. Party in the city where the heat is home. Another black explorer who doesn't nearly get the credit he deserves was an enslaved man named York.

In 1804, he joined Lewis and Clark on their famous expedition across North America, making him the first black man to travel across the U.S. continent. York was a vital part of the expedition. In fact, he was so trusted, he was even given his own gun, which was a risky move on Lewis and Clark's part. You're given a slave a gun. You know what you call a slave with a gun?

Master. Interesting fact, after the expedition, York, York requested his freedom from Clark. But Clark denied it, because he realized that without York, he would just be another white dude lost in the forest. Like a bitch. And finally, black people weren't just tagging along with white people on these expeditions. They were also making history themselves, like Abu Bakari II, the second, the ruler of the Mali empire. In 1311 like Albuqari II, the ruler of the Mali Empire. In 1311, Albuqari set off on an expedition westward. Eventually, he landed in Brazil.

Albuquerie met the native tribes there and made peace with them, and even ended up marrying a chief's daughter, a quest that many men know all too well, traveling to distant lands for new booty. As the local girls are too familiar. So the next time you think about explorers, remember not to just give credit to white men who discovered places people already live, Columbus. But also give credit to those of the more melanin persuasion

who have explored the world, like my Uncle Bebo, who in 1990 traveled across the country searching for the Dairy Queen with the best Oreo blizzard. We haven't seen him since. That's why every day I honor my Uncle Bebo by eating one of these. We're gonna miss you, Beebo. And we'll, oh, oh, shit. And I'm back. Well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm Roy Wood Junior,

and this has been CP time. Remember, before the culture, somebody give me some hot tea to balance out this cold. to the the the the the the to'n'n'l. this is 60 Minutes, everybody. We'll be right back. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to the Green Show. The New Hampshire primary gave life to Bernie, Pete, and Amy Clobershaw. But while the New Hampshire giveeth, it also taketh away. The race is getting smaller as of last night's results. We did see the suspension or termination of presidential campaigns by Andrew Yang and Senator Michael Bennett. Tonight is not going to be our night, but let me say this to New Hampshire. You may see me once again.

You know, I am the math guy, and it is clear tonight from the numbers that we are not going to win this race. We'll be back soon. In the meantime, though, thank you all. God bless you, and God bless the United States tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha the meantime though, thank you all. God bless you and God bless the United States of America. I'm not gonna lie, I don't get why candidates always say they'll be back when they know they won't. No, I know they don't want to seem like a loser, but why not just be honest? Why not just be like, New Hampshire, you guys are never gonna see me ever again? Like, they're the same problem with movie villains.. And, their. And, their, th. And, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, th. th. to, to, to, their, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. their thi. thi. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to their their th. th. their their the same problem with movie villains, even though when they're falling off a cliff or a building at the end, they're like, oh, be back. No, you won't.

No, you won't. Like, it would be nice if they were honest, just like, you and your family are safe forever. But even though he's gone, Andrew Yang did a lasting impression on the real world. 2020 race. His plan for universal basic income made a big splash and it even had an impact in the real world. You see, he gave several families a thousand dollars a month for a year to test out his plan. And we sent Ronnie Chang to find out how it went. Yesterday, Andrew Yang dropped out of the 2020 presidential race, and I'm a little sad about it. Last year I met him in person and there was just something about the guy that made me trust him.

Not to mention, I really wanted that free money he was promising. Every American adult at the age of 18 should get $1,000 a month, free and clear from the government to do whatever they want. Making it rain! It's called UBI or Universal Basic Income. And although the dream died with Yang's campaign, a few lucky families did get $1,000 a month for a year as a test program, like the Fasci family of New Hampshire. Basically, he gave us a check for $1,000 a month from January until December of 2019.

We went to his New Year's Eve party, and so that's how we got our first check, was at midnight. He wrote a check and gave it to physically physically physically physically then after probably three months, he was getting really busy. He forgot about us. What? He didn't, he didn't pay on time? Yeah, it was very odd sending out a message like, hey, you owe us money.

So you guys were like, hey, asshole, where's my free money? So how hard did Chuck and Jody ball out with their $12,000? Did you buy a Tesla, buy a snowmobile? Maybe buy a Tesla snowmobile? No, we spent 90% of it on our daughter's college tuition. College tuition, I guess that's pretty good. What else? Spent a little bit on groceries, buying some healthier choices, combucure and some soy yogurt.

Isn't yogurt and cumbucha for shiting? Digestion. It's for digestion. So now that the money stopped, you must be pretty backed up, right? But luckily for Chuck's colon, he was so inspired by his UBI experience that he learned how to brew his own kombucha. And it is potent. Just, what is it, what is, th?????. th, th, th, th is, th is, th is, th is, thi, what is, thi, what is, what is, thi? Is, what is, thi? Is, thi? Is, thi? Is, thi? Is, thi? Is, thi? Is, thi, thi? Is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, thi? Is. Is, thi? Is, thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is it? Is it is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thi? Is thii? Is thiiiioliioli? Is thiioliiiii? Isn't thi? Isn't thi? Isn't thi? Is thi? Is that he learned how to brew his own kombucha. And it is potent. Just, what is it?

It's a big blob of bacteria that's been sitting in some fermented tea in my bathroom for about six weeks. Bathroom juice aside, these people spend their UBI on college, groceries, and paying bills. What a bunch of idiots! It's like they don't even know what flexing means. You guys could be in head-to-to-toe supreme right now. Do you know what supreme is? No. No.

Fuck. That's how you flex to your neighbors and make them jealous. That's what money's for. Okay, Chuck, okay Jody. But believe it or not, bawling out is the last thing on most Americans' minds. Half of American adults say they can't even cover an unexpected $400 expense. Clearly, if you give people $1,000 a month, they would spend it on necessities, with a few exceptions. What was it you buy? Um, I took improv classes. I've been doing that for the last eight months.

You took improv classes? Yeah, mindful improv classes. What the fuck is that mean? It means we do self-appreciations, we do vulnerabilities. Ugh. It's taught by a yoga teacher. Oh my god. Andrew Yang may be out of the presidential race, but his ideas live on, and Americans deserve a shot at universal basic income.

Well, maybe not all Americans. How you doing? Oh, I lost my hand. I hate improv. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look starting September 17th wherever you get your podcasts. That's it for the Daily Show Global Edition. Before we go, some troubling news out of China, where fears over the coronavirus have led to a global shortage of protective masks. That's why I wear this protective mustache on my face, stops germs from getting in, and sometimes soup gets stuck in there too.

And I get a little afternoon snack for free. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show week nights at at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.