The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show: Global Edition - Super Tuesday Drama & Coronavirus Fears | Judith Heumann

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

Trevor covers the fallout from the 2020 Super Tuesday elections, Roy Wood Jr. gives tips on avoiding the coronavirus, and activist Judith Heumann discusses "Being Heumann." Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News,

listened to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple Podcasts starting September 17. For the week of March 2nd, 2020. From Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York. It's the Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Global Edition. Welcome to the Daily Show, Global Edition. I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin, some news out of the Vatican City. The Pope has suggested to followers that they give up internet trolling for Lent.

And that's such a specific instruction, it makes me up internet trolling for Lent. And that's such a specific instruction, it makes me wonder if the Pope is getting bullied. It's almost like, what else is he going to say? For Lent, we should also give up wedgying the Pope when you see him in the hallway. Please, Benedict, stop it. All right, now here it is, this week's headlines. Some good news from Afghanistan, a phrase no one has ever said.

America's never-ending war with the Taliban might finally be coming to an end. America's longest-running war could finally come to an end. Over the weekend, the United States signed a deal with the Taliban to end the nearly two-decade conflict that gripped Afghanistan in the aftermath of the 9-11 attacks and the subsequent U.S. invasion of the country. The agreement lays out a timetable for the full withdrawal of U.S. and coalition troops from Afghanistan within 14 months. In exchange, the Taliban agreed that it would not allow Afghan territory to be used by any groups or individuals to plot future attacks against the United States and its allies.

This is a big deal. The United States and the Taliban might have a deal. And this is huge. Besides Taylor Swift and Kater Perry, this might be the biggest peace agreement of the century. It's huge. And after 20 years and $2 trillion, you have to admit that's a lot of lowered expectations. No, because America went into Afghanistan. the Taliban and bringing in Western democracy no matter how long it takes.

And now America's like, we're going to leave. Just like, don't do another 9-11, okay? Now the deal hasn't been concluded yet because there's still some things that need to be worked out, which makes sense. Because if you think about it, these two countries have been entwined in a 20-year relationship. We all know it's hard to walk away when you've spent that much time together. So America, let me give you some relationship tips. First of all, America, let me just say I'm proud of you. You've realized that you're in a toxic relationship with Afghanistan and you're ready to get out. Now I want to warn you for a while, there's going to be a part of you that wants to go back

and bomb them in the middle of the night, but you stay strong and you remember, no matter what you think now, there are plenty of other Middle Eastern countries out there for you. The Democratic Primaries. If yesterday was Super Tuesday, today is what the fuck Wednesday. So let's catch up on the fallout of the biggest voting nights in the primaries in another installment of World War D. Going into Super Tuesday, the Democratic field had been narrowed down to four main candidates,

which is a long way from the Democratic field had been narrowed down to four main candidates, which is a long way from the original 6,000. And as the dust began to settle, it became clear there were two winners and two losers. Elizabeth Warren, one of the nights loses. You see, she failed to pick up a single state. And to add insult to injury in her home state of Massachusetts, she came in third. Yeah, which is pretty rough.

It's like if you came home to find your parents had replaced you with another child. Just be like, sorry, honey, we'd like Joe Biden to be our daughter now. But she wasn't the only one with a disappointing evening. Another candidate who hit a low point was Mike Bloomberg, former New York mayor and best person to sit behind at a concert. Because after spending the GDP of a small country on his campaign, his quest for the nomination

ended in failure. We come in with this Fox News alert, Super Tuesday made for a super shake-up. Democrat Mike Bloomberg today dropped out of the race after his dismal showing last night. Yesterday was a disaster for Bloomberg. He spent more than 500 million dollars and won only a few dozen delegates. Last night campaigning in Florida, Bloomberg tried to sound upbeat. No matter how many delegates we win tonight, we have done something no one else thought was possible. That's right, we spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat shit. They said it couldn't be done, but we did it.

We did it. I'm not going to lie. I still can't believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. No, like I'm also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing I No, so in a way I feel like I saved five hundred million dollars You know That really is that's how I feel And the funny thing is the funny thing is right before he dropped out

Bloomberg bought more TV airtime that he doesn't need anymore But I was thinking like since he's already paid for it. He should use it. He's just come on TV and? th, th, th, th, th, th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to need anymore. But I was thinking, like, since he's already paid for it, he should use it. He should just come on TV and share his random thoughts. Hi, I'm Mike Bloomberg. Have you ever noticed you've never seen birds having sex? Kind of weird, huh? Anyway, see you guys in the next ad break. You should just do that the whole time?

Now, the reason Bloomberg is dropping out now, after just one bad night, is that you must remember he entered the race to be the moderate alternative to Bernie Sanders. But last night, the voters were very clear that they already know who they want their moderate candidates to be. The night belonged to Joe Biden. They don't call Super Tuesday for nothing. The former vice president with a massive comeback on the biggest night of the primary so far.

A fired up Joe Biden celebrating his historic night, racking up a string of commanding victories, including a clean sweep of states in the south, and a stunning win in Delegate Rich Texas. The press and the punis declared a campaign dead. Tell that the south and a stunning win in Delegate Rich, Texas. The press and opponents have declared a campaign dead. Tell that to the folks in Virginia. North Carolina. Alabama. Tennessee. Oklahoma.

Arkansas. Minnesota. Hey. Hey. That's, that's a Joe Biden we haven't seen in a while. Minnesota! Hey! That's a Joe Biden we haven't seen in a while. Look at him, smiling, full of energy, naming states that actually exist. No, because let's be honest, we were all waiting for him to give a shout-out to Pencil Chusets.

I'm serious, I don't think I've seen Biden this happy. Since that time Obama told him how to ride a bike. This has been a while. I mean, I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I thi. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that's thi thi, thi that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th, we haven haven haven, we haven, th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. That's thi, I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi've seen Biden this happy since that time Obama taught him how to ride a bike. This has been a while. I mean, and of course, of course, no Joe Biden's speech would be complete without a few moments where the Wi-Fi dropped out. It's a good night, and it seems to be getting even better. By the way, this is my little sister, Valerie, and I'm Jill's husband. Oh no, this is the, oh you switched down me. This is my wife, this is my sister, they switch down to me.

Oh, Joe. Really? Joe Biden called his sister his wife? That's an awkward mistake. And if you are going to talk about your sister wife, you should have done it sooner because then you could have won Utah. Yeah. Oh, and by the way, hi, I'm Mike Bloomberg. I was thinking, how does a train turn around?

Anyway, see you guys next ad break. Now, the sister-wife thing was just a silly gaff that didn't derail the night. What did cause a bit of concern was when two protesters stormed the stage. During Biden's speech, protesters rushing the stage. You see it they are coming within feet of the former vice president. And Dr. Jel Biden, his wife, one woman was swiftly removed by the former, the former, the former, the former, the the the the the their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. t. t. t. t. t. train, train, train, train, train, train, train, their, train, th. train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. train, train, train, train, train, train, train, train, the. train, the. te. the. the. train, train, train, train, train, train vice president and Dr. Jill Biden. His wife, one woman was swiftly removed by the former vice president's bodyman. Then moments later, see it again,

a second protester storming onto the stage. Simone Sanders, his senior advisor, she just comes out of nowhere, flies on stage and rips one of the protesters off. Dr. Jill Biden, protecting her husband by shgling off a protester that was storming the stage, her response, I'm a Philly girl. Yo, yo, yo, yo, y'all. That, Jill Biden, you see that?

that stepped in and blocked that protester like a white lady, Jackie Chan. Bam! I mean, I knew she was a doctor. I just didn't know her PhD was an ass whipping. That was amazing. And it wasn't just Biden's wife. Yeah, he's senior campaign advisor, Simone Sanders. Did you see that?

She handled that protest like a professional bodyguard. Hell, Biden's got more women protecting him than Tachala. Like, he's just killing it out here. No wonder he's winning the black vote. So overall, overall, it was a good night for Biden. But don't forget, this contest is far from over. Because this race is all about winning delegates, not just states, but delegates. And even with his good night last night, Biden is still basically neck and neck with Bernie in the delegate count. And up until this point, these two have been super friendly on the campaign trail, laughing, hugging at the debates. But something tells me, those days might be over th the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the the the the the thi. thi. the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. theeeeeee thean. thean thean. thean. thean. theeauuuu. thea. thea. the. the. th point, these two have been super friendly on the campaign trail, laughing, hugging at the debates.

But something tells me, those days might be over. This morning, it's now a two-man race. Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is already sharpening his attacks against Biden. One of us in this race led the opposition to the war in Iraq. You're looking at them. Another candidate voted for the war in Iraq. One of us has spent his entire life fighting for the war in Iraq. One of us has spent his entire life fighting against cuts in Social Security, wanting to expand Social Security. Another candidate has been on the floor of the Senate calling for cuts

to Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and Veterans Program. That's right, one of us is a bitch ass. The other person is me. You know who I'm talking about. Spread the word. Yeah, people, you can see. The gloves are officially off. The dentures are in. And things are about to get messy between these two.

Not just because there's Vicks vapor up everywhere, no, because this is the home stretch to find out who will be the Democratic nominee. And Bernie, if you're gonna attack Joe Biden, I wish you the best of luck. But remember not to get too close, because then you'll have to deal with Joe. We'll be right back. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome back to the day show. Let's talk about the coronavirus. According to WebMD, you already have it. Now every day, we learn more about how this virus is affecting the world. So let's check in on the latest coronavirus news in our ongoing segment. Is this how we die? to die? Last week, we learned that coronavirus has been making its way through Europe, like a trust fund kid on a gap year.

And after throwing Italy into chaos, the next stop on the trip is Paris. Big changes in France today. The number of cases there has nearly doubled to 100. The government there really taking some pretty extreme measures. The French government banned indoor public gatherings of more than 5,000 people. That led to the Louv Museum shutting down. The health minister advising people not to kiss or shake hands when meeting, as President Macron did days ago with Italy's leader.

Oh, come on, Macron! Are you serious? Italy's got Corona and you're kissing their prime minister? And it's not just one kiss, it's three. That's three chances to get sick. Yeah, you're just like healthy, m'a, healthy, m'a, dead, m'a. And that's right. This situation is getting so serious that French people have been told not to kiss each other, hello, which must be hard. That's like such an ingrained ing ing ing ing ing ing ing ing ing inged, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tock, tock, tock, tock, tock, tock each other hello, which must be hard. That's like such an ingrained part of their culture.

You know, it's like telling New Yorkers not to jack off on the subway. That's how we say hello. But these protocols make sense. Greeding people with physical contact is not a good idea right now. And black people are the only people who are really prepared for this. Everyone else is like shaking hands on you, but black people, like, we have many different ways to greet each other. You know, we've got the distant head nod, you know, it's like that whole thing.

Yeah? You just, you look sick. Stay over there, you know? And even when black people shake hands, it's so complicated that by the end of it, the virus is like like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the virus is like, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus is like, the virus is like, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, the virus, like, the virus, like, like, like, the virus, like, the virus, like, like, the virus, like, like, like, like, the virus is like, like, like, like, like, like, the virus is like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the virus is like, like, like, the virus is like, the virus is like, the virus is like, the virus is like, the virus is like, the virus. I didn't get that part. That, yeah, you got me. I don't know what, I'm out. I'm out. Now, while France is only beginning to grapple with how to contain the outbreak, Korea is showing the world how it's done. Outside of China, South Korea has the most coronavirus cases. They've come up with a new, innovative way to test for the virus in the form of a drive-through. This is a free service that that that that that that that that that th. S th. S. S. S. S. S. to. to. toa, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, South, toa, toa, toa, toa, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the to. to. to. to. to to to the toa, toa, the toa, to to to the to to to the to. to. the the the to way to test for the virus in the form of a drive-through. This is a free service that the city of Goyong is offering anybody. I just took the test, actually. Vehicles come through here and you get a questionnaire, you get your hand sanitized,

and then you go through a number of stations here. Damn, career is advanced. They've got drive-through testing. And apparently, using this, they have screened more than a hundred thousand people for coronavirus, which is impressive, and probably the first time people going through a drive-thru are getting healthier. But also, why isn't America doing this? Right? This is the land of the drive-thru. Yeah. Drive-through fast food, drive-through banks, drive-thrifices. I mean I'm in a rush, I go to a drive-through therapist, you know? It's just like, stop being sad, thank you, goodbye! And look, whether it's drive-thrus or something else, America needs to figure out how it's going to deal with this pandemic,

because it turns out, not only is coronavirus here in the tapapapapapapapapapapapapap th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. to tooom. tooom. tooom. to thi. tooom. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to..... to.................................... to...... to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to t. tt. to t. to t. to to t. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. t US. Apparently it's been here for a while. Over the weekend, health officials announced new infections in Washington state, Oregon, California, Illinois, New York, Florida, and Rhode Island. A state of emergency issued in Washington state where 13 patients have been diagnosed with COVID-19. Researchers in Washington tellain to their analysis of samples of the virus strongly suggests it's been spreading in this state, their analysis of samples of the virus strongly suggests it's been spreading in this state for the past six weeks. Yeah, that's right, people. There's a chance coronavirus has been in America for weeks and nobody realized it. Yeah. It's like at the end of a sports movie where the coaches like, guys,

what you've been looking for has been right here all along. See the virus is in your lungs. You shouldn't be playing basketball. You should be at the hospital. But this is really scary. And so for more on this health crisis and America's response, we turn to our senior medical correspondent, Roywood Jr. everybody.

to thrown, I've got to say, Roy, this virus has everyone so stressed out. I mean, I'm keeping this can of disinfectant around to spray on everything. What else can we do to stay safe? Stop, stop with that. First of all, Trevor, don't panic. The most important thing to do is wash your hands.

Just wash your hands. And don't rush them for at least the length of one verse of a Cardi B song. I watch their back then, watch their front girl, I make healthy moves. And another thing, don't touch your face, because you can make yourself sick. And if you are sick, remember to stay, stay at home. What? Did you

just What? What? What? Did you just corona cough in my face? Oh, I got a cough in your face. My threat.

They just had some bean nuts a minute ago. They slept in my throat. Okay, I'm, because I'm watching you, Roy. Don't, don't make me sick. I'm good, man. Come on. As I was saying, it's important not to panic. Check on your elderly neighbors, make sure... There's no need for concern. There's no need for concern. What you need to...

Oh, co-ahhh. Oh, Corona! Corona! It's Peter! Get out of here! Roy Woodch's Peter! Get out of here! Roy Woodtrue, everybody, let me get back. Ah! When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling? But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to the Daily Show, everybody. My guest tonight is a lifelong civil rights advocate for people with disabilities. She's also the author of Being Human, an unrepentant memoir of a disability rights activist.

And she's featured in the upcoming Netflix documentary, Cripp Camp. Please welcome, Judith Human. Thank you so much for being here. Can I just say, reading this book, I expected to be impressed by it, but I wasn't quite expected for how much of a badass you would be. No, because you don't just advocate for human rights and rights for people with disabilities, but you fight for them and you fight for them with a passion.

Welcome to the show. Before I get into my first question, I guess what really blew my mind about your story is that I specifically have taken for granted so many things in life that I feel like were always there. Ramps, you know, for getting into stores, you know, ramps that help people get into buses when traveling. All measures that we put in place to help everybody be part of society. You lived in a world where that wasn't true and you fought to make those changes. What was that world like before the world we live in today? So I grew up in Brooklyn, all of you from Brooklyn,

and at that time, so I was born in 1947. I had polio in 1949. There were no laws. There were no federal laws that made it illegal to discriminate against many people. Obviously the Civil Rights Act in the US didn't come about till 1964. And as I got older, it became a bigger problem because the school in our neighborhood was not accessible. My mother took me to that school, PS 198. At that time, it wasn't accessible.

After the laws came into being, in 1981, it was renovated, the school became accessible, but the principal denied me entrance into the school because I couldn't walk, and he said I could be a fire hazard. You know as an able-bodied person I take so many things for granted, we take things for granted? I call you non-disabled. Oh, I never know which term it is, to be honest. I call you no disabled because we also, because the likelihood of you're requiring, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I are, I are, I are, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, their, their, toe, toe, their, their, their, their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, and, I, I, and, and, and, I.. And, I'm, I's, and, and, I'm, and, their, their, their, their, their, their, they.e.e.e.a.a, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, because the likelihood of your acquiring a disability temporarily or permanently is statistically very high. So. Did you just threaten me? Yes.

Definitely. It's been 30 years now since the American Disabilities Act was passed. Many would feel like everything has been done and everyone has access to what they need. What do you still feel needs to be improved specifically in the United States? So I think the United States and around the world, one of the big issues is that people with disabilities need to feel proud of who we are. We need not to be ashamed of who we are. We as disabled people and as allies like I know you are because you've done some great work on your program. Mental health piece

that you did was fantastic. Thank you. That's really I think what the objective is that we as disabled people need to band together, speak out against depression or discrimination against anyone. And that needs to be the norm. And I want to just also say, I live in D.C. and the metro there. Some of the most frequent users of the elevators are men and women who have babies and baby carriages. So I think we really need to also look at the kinds of of of of of of of of the accommodation of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of of the accommodations of the accommodations of the accommodations of the accommodations of the accommodations of the accommodations of the kind of the elevators are men and women who have babies and baby carriages. So I think we really need to also look at the kinds of accommodations that theoretically

have been made for disabled people actually benefits so many other people. And people don't even realize why they're doing. That's really beautiful. I honestly, I loved every part of your story because of how fierce it is, because of how funny it is, because of how interesting it is, because of how much you learn. I mean, I learned about stories in and around the Disabilities Act, the story of America, and I learned that there was once a time in New York when there was no traffic on some streets. So thank you so much for being here. Being human, a beautiful tale from real life is available now.

And Netflix will feature Crip Camp beginning March 25th. To the Human, everybody. The Daily Show with Trevnoa, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.