The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show Podcast Universe Episode 2: #Crushing: A Success Podcast for Winners

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

Introducing The Daily Show Podcast Universe, a five-episode miniseries, each episode a parody of a popular podcast or podcast genre. Subscribe HERE or search for "The Daily Show Podcast Universe" to hear them all."#Crushing: A Success Podcast for Winners," hosted by Ronny Chieng and featuring Roy Wood, Jr., will supply you with the knowledge, motivation, and vitamin supplements you need to become an epic one-man success machine. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple Podcasts, starting September 17.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi there, podcast listener. This is Roywood Jr. from the Daily Show with Trevor Noah. Are you ready to be transformed into an epic one-man success machine? buckle up. It's time for hashtag crushing, a success podcast for winners with Ronnie Chang. To listen to all five episodes in the Daily Show's new podcast miniseries, search for the Daily Show Podcast Universe on Apple Podcasts. People come up to me all the time and say, Trevor, how did you learn to crush it so hard?

I always give them the same answer. Mr. Ronnie Chang. In hashtag crushing a success podcast for winners, Ronnie will give you the motivation, the life hacks and the FDA pending dietary supplements that you need to live epically. Testing, testing, te-testing, diabetes is a mindset and a hoax. Test, one, too. What's up Chang gang? Your boy Ronnie Chang here with another episode a hashtag crushing a success podcast for winners. A lot of people ask me hey Ronnie how can I crush it as hard as you're crushing it? The answer is you can't. I'm crushing it harder than scientists thought possible. I've written 13

books, delivered 28 teat talks and I follow 58,000 people on Twitter. I post over 400 inspirational quotes that day on Instagram and I own over 4,000 t-shirts from Ed Hardy. I'm a non-stop dynamo of epic winning. Okay I'm like Elon Musk without a weird anime fetish. Fuck you Elon. But hey if you listen to this Pekas and follow my advice, maybe you too can write this crush train to crush town. And the train conductor? It's Jeremy Piven. All right, I'm ready to pound. Let's start the show. Success, money, Instagram, Airpods, Bacon. Whoa! I'm still buzzing you guys.

I just delivered the keynote at a Power Thought Summit, presented by Forbes and Lean Cuisine. In fact, if you're interested, you can stream my speech right now. It's titled Why Every Entrepreneur should try Huffing Spray Paint. Check that out on YouTube or catch me in my next live event, pumping up the crowd at a winter assembly for Pembroke Middle School. Mrs. Goldstein's class is going to be singing Christmas carols and I'm going to be shooting red bulls out of a t-shirt cannon. told me, thear.

Hell yeah, you know what that means? It's time for the cleanse. Right now, I'm doing a solids and liquids for two weeks. I mean for breakfasts I had tip th th th th th th th to th th th th th th th th th th th to th th th th th th th th the to the the to to the to to to to to be to be to be the thin the to be thoes thoes thoes thoes tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- thoes thoes thoes the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th and I'm th and I'm th and I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the an to to to to to to to to tooooooooooooooan. and I toooooan tooooooooooooooooooooe and I the and I'm doing a solids and liquids cleanse. I'm not eating or drinking any solids or liquids for two weeks. I mean for breakfast I had some vape smoke and for lunch I think I'm gonna suck the helium off a balloon animal. I gotta tell you thanks to this cleanse hey my energy is up my blood pressure is down and my motor skills are shot. If any of that sounds appealing to you why don't you check out my website Ronnie Chang dot protein powder. I've I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I th. I've the th. I've th. I've th. I've the th. I've th. I've the th. I've th. I've the the th. I've the th. I've the th. I've th. I've the the th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've the. I the. I the. I th. I th. I th. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I've th. I've the the to to to to to tip tipe tipe tipe tipe tipe tipe the the the the the the the. If any of that sounds appealing to you, why don't you check out my website, Ronnie Chang.protein powder. I've got exclusive recipes and an interview with Ashten Kutcher. That's a Ronnie bomb.

All right, I'm jacked. Let's take some calls. If you got a question about anything, entrepreneurship, muscle mass, manscaping. Dial 859, Epic Blow right now. If a line is busy, dial hudder. If the line is busy, dial harder. It's crush hour. All right, we got a call on the line. It's James from Danbury, Connecticut. Hello, James.

the long-time fan. Of course you are. I'm an Alpha's Alpha. I'm an Alfalfa. So I'm about to be a college freshman and I want to become a doctor, I'm thinking a neurosurgeon maybe. Do you have any advice for how I can make that happen? James, I do have some advice. And that advice is don't go to college, bro. Student debt is for suckers. You can learn everything you would in medical school by purchasing a corpse on the dark web. You buy the corpse, you cut it open, you poke around inside, and hey, you'll be ready to operate on live humans after four to five corpses, no debt required. That said, you should pledge a frat. Next caller.

Hey Ronnie, this is Mike from Staten Island. What's up Mike from Staten Island? How can I improve your life today? I want to be an Instagram influencer. Right now I have 200 followers, mostly high school friends. How can I gain more? Okay, I get this a lot. The answer is simple. Instagram loves sex appeal and it loves travel. So, I always tell people, quit your job and become a pirate. Go somewhere sexy like Somalia, your Instagram will explode. Trust me, bro. Oh, okay.

Is there a way I can gain Instagram followers without becoming a pirate? No, bro, are you kidding me? I just gave you advice that's worth like a billion dollars. Get off the phone and go on the next flight to Mogadishu. Okay, I've had enough of you. Next caller. Oh, hello? 911. My husband, he's gripping at his chest. I think he's having a heart attack. Oh, hell yeah! Okay, some contacts for our listeners. I recently got a life hack from post Malone. You pay a guy at a phone company to redirect 911 to your personal

line. Instant growth hack. Hello is this 911. My husband is in real pain. Wow, it sounds like he's really suffering from a bad attitude. That's a money bomb. I don't know how I get connected to you. But please send an ambulance. I don't think he's going to make it. You definitely not with that negativity. Don't hate job create. Okay.

Mr. Chang. This is Agent Jim Peterson again with the Internal Revenue Service. OK, that was a wrong number. You know I've I've got th got I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I have I've th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that. I've got that. I've that. I've got a this this this this this this this this this is this is a this is a bad. I this is a bad. I. I this is a this is a th. I. I. I. I th. I. I th. I th. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've th. I've th. I've th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. this is this is th. this is this is th. this is this is this is this is this is this is this is Jim Peterson again with the Internal Revenue Service. Okay, that was a wrong number. You know, I've got a lot of haters at the IRS because of how successful I've been. Like seriously, I'm the mother to read self-giving vibes and the Wesley Snipes are paying taxes. All right, next caller is Ryan from Nashville. What's up, buddy? Hey, ma'am, I just finished reading your book. Nice. Thank those who don't know, my new book, The Success Virus,

how to infect yourself with winning is in stores now. It's 220 pages of pure knowledge. Yeah, about that. The first 20 pages were just foes of you at Planet Fitness. And then the last 200 pages were just a knockoff of the babysitter's club. Hey, don't knock the teenage child care society. I'm in talks with Disney Plus to make into a mini series. There was no advice in the book at all. I want my money back. Yeah, and I want my former assistants

to stop telling people I have a lifetime ban from Jiffie Lube. But we don't always get what we want. We get what we crush. Let's crush an ad break right now. And when we're back, we're have my special guest? Daily Show correspondent Roy Wood Jr. And I'm gonna ask him if he's ever snorted dog tranquilizers. Who! Woo! Today's episode is sponsored by Dr. Manhoods' Tissues for Men. Are you tired of girly tissues that look like they were designed by Nancy Myers, director of Something's God Give and the Holiday, whatever those are. Then you need Dr. Manhoods tissues tississississississississississississ tississ tiss- th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's Myers, director of Something's Gotta Give, and the Holiday, whatever those are.

Then you need Dr. Manhoods' tissues for men. There are 100% testosterone-fueled, badass tissues for jacked up, broes. They're just like regular tissues, except they come in a black box with flames on side. You don't wear a lady's Kleenex? Dr. Manhood's Tissues for Men! Don't blow your nose. Bro your nose! Today's episode of HASHTAC crushing is brought to you by Ronnie Chang's cursed healing crystals.

Listen, Bros. These crystals will change your life. I recently mowed down a witch with my Tesla and when I went to go check for the body, all that was there was a burlap sack filled with these crystals. Now I'm selling them to you for literally any amount of money. Please, I need them out of my house. I just tried to throw them in a river, but when I got back to my place, there was more of them. Ryan Chang's cursed healing crystals. Oh God they're glowing again All right. We're back and we're joined now by a legendary guest. He's a correspondent on the Daily Show with Trevor Noah and it looks like he could bench I don't know 230 240 240. That's right. Uh, Road Junior is here. I actually I think I can bench like 1st to thirty. That's thirty. That's right. Uh, Rowwood Jr. is here. I actually, I think. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. thi. theo theo tho thooooo. the. their their their their their that's right. Roywood Jr. is here. I actually, I think I can bench press like 175 less I tried.

Okay, well that's pretty weak. What does that smell? It's dear carcass. Roy, you are crushing it. Well, thanks, man. You're crushing it too, Ronnie. It's actually a problem how hot I'm crushing it. It's starting th starting th starting th starting th starting th starting th starting th starting th starting th starting th starting the people th starting. It's starting. It's starting. It's starting the people. It's starting. It's starting. the people. th. to th. th. to to to to to th. to to to th. th. to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, th. th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. to to to be, to to be, th. to to be, th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to th. to to the. to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the to the the the the the the the the the. I th. It's starting to affect the people around me and the people I love. Roy, let me ask you something.

You're like a stand-up comedian, right? A lot of nights on the road, lonely. How do you stay emotionally connected to your loved ones while maintaining focus on your career? I think the important thing when you're traveling is to take something from home on the road. I'm just kidding. I the first the first the real th. the th. I the th. I th. I the th. I th. th. thi thi thi thi thi. I'm thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi. the, the, the, them. them. them. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to thean. to thean. thean. to thean. to thean. thean. thean. thean. theaa thea thea thea thea. to take something from home on the road. I'm just kidding, no one cares about that. This is my first real question. Hey, you ever done DMT? Uh, no. You ever inject horse platelets?

I don't even know what that is. You ever free base of stuff inside glowsticks? I'm not into that, Ronnie, I just, I just, uh. I'm not into I got a web series of common central but before that Roy Roy let me just ask you you you ever take LSD and have a threesome inside an aquarium you just got chain bang you know what Ronnie I'm just answer a question about travel okay all right all right I'm gonna answer the travel question okay okay all right fine go ahead but you go a true go a to try okay okay fine go to try to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go to go to go to go to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go to go to go to go Fine, do whatever you need to do man. Look, when I'm on the road, I do my best to make sure that my family is my number one priority. I face time with my son.

I try to make sure that my son knows that I love him, so I face time with him. Pain is just weakness exiting the bottom. So, for me it comes down to one question when I'm looking at what gigs to take to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make the to make the to make to make the the to make to make the the to make the the to exiting the bottom. So, for me it comes down to one question when I'm looking at what gigs should take. Will this opportunity negatively affect my family life? Because I have to consider how many days I'm going to miss my family. For sure, man. Great, great. I did 300 chin-ups, by the way. Not sure if you notice me over there, just ripping metal. So I got to ask, you're doing no pee-P November, the thiaa, thiaa, the thia, thia, thia, thia, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, just, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to to, to to to to to to to to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. Willa, thi. Willa'a'a'a'a, thi. Willa, to to to pee November? What the hell is no pee November?

It's where you don't urinate for an entire month of November. I'm doing it, it's sick. Runny November was last year. Dude, November is a state of mind. Is that like no nut nupe where you don't masturbate to? It's like that because it involves the penis, but instead of nutting, it's urine. So you haven't peed for an entire month? That's right. The only pee I'm into is P90X. It's a powerful word because it's got numbers and letters in it. Speaking of power, you ever eat a bald eagle? They're an endangered species.

Why would I eat an egretism, bro. I eat bald eagle and I feel America coursing through my veins. No I haven't even buy a bald eagle. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. So. So. So. So. the. So. the the. So. the the th. So. th. the th. th. So. th. So. th. So. th. I. So. I. I. th. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the through my veins. Why did you even buy a bald? No, I haven't even- Okay, so I was watching your last standout special. Very funny stuff, by the way. Appreciate that, thanks. I especially love the part where you talk about the nutritional benefits of elk meat. I'm... Are you sure that was me you were watching?

You were watching it? talk about elk meat. Oh, okay well maybe I'm confused because I watched it on 10 X speed, finished a whole hour in six minutes. Anyway you ever do a elk binge? It's where you kill an elk and you have 72 hours to eat the entire thing, including the bones. It's how cavemen lived. Cavemen also had an average lifespan of 17 years. They didn't have Tesla as a podcast. They didn't even speak English. That's a really thinne and dense in nutrients. It the thea. their their thea. their their their the. their the. the. the. the. the. thease. theathea. t. thaeathea. t. t. t. thaeateathea. thauu. thaeathea. thaease. thaease. than, than, than, than, tha. tha. tha. Anyway, tha. tha. Anyway. I I I I I I I I's is is tha. I I I I I's is t. I I I's t. I I's t. I. I's t. I's t. I's t. I's t. I's t. I's tease. I's tea. I'm. I'm tea. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. I'ma. I'ma. I'm dense in nutrients. It feels like I'm saying things and then you're just hearing words completely different from the words I'm saying. Ha ha ha totally. That was so 90s. You know, all right.

Can I ask you a question? Shoot. Why are you like this? Why are you obsessed with cave men, fitness routines, masculine diet fads, and drugs inside of glow sticks and eagle jerky. What happened to you? What made you this way? Wow, no one's ever asked me that before. Actually, you know what? I don't know if I can talk about this.

No, no, no, you can. You can. Sure. Okay, well, um, ever since I was a teenager, I knew I was different. I was rebellious and I fell in with the wrong crowd. I got into fast cars, extreme sports, trusty women. Okay, but that's pretty on par for a young guy. Then one day my life changed. The government needed my extreme sports expertise to infiltrate a Russian terrorist cell in Central Europe.

Okay, but hold up. Please, Roy, let me get through this. The terrorist group known as Anarchy 99 had acquired a biochemical weapon, and there was only one way to disarm the missile, using my extreme sports capabilities and racing cars through the streets of Prague. Wait, so Anarchy 99? Yeah. You're sure that was the name of the terrorist group? Yeah. Okay, that's just the plot to Triple X.

That was Vin Diesel who did all that. You didn't do that shit. Yeah, they base that movie on me. You're full of the thrown. No, man. the outside so that's not happening. Okay that's another episode of hashtag crushing a success podcast for winners. Can I at least plug my website? I hope you learn some new ways to hack your way through the jungle we call life. Thanks to my guest Ray Woods Jr. Did the dishes move? Thanks everyone I gotta go do cross fit with the founder of WeWork. We're best friends. Until next time keep crushing

that shit! Woo! This episode is brought to you by Legal Zoo. Did you commit a crime at a zoo? For example, try to steal a goat? Then you need Legal Zoo, the premier portal for attorneys practicing zoo law. Last year I was charged with public intoxication in the Hall of Birds. It was total BS. But a lawyer from Legal Zoo helped me bribe the judge and get out of community service. Legal Zoo, for when you're actually going to kangaroo court Today's episode of hashtag crushing is brought to you by mantras The mattress made specifically for bros. Are you worried that sleeping is ruining your physique?

All those hours you have to spend in bed making your pecks as soft as pillows. Well, then you need mantras It's the only mattress that spews pure testosterone juice into your mouth while you sleep. Plus if you use the promo code shaft, mantras will throw in a free set of leather sheets. Bro, if you haven't slept on leather, you haven't slept. Mantras crush your dreams. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. But the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17.