The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show Podcast Universe Episode 2: #Crushing: A Success Podcast for Winners (Rebroadcast)

Episode Date: January 7, 2021

Hosted by Ronny Chieng and featuring Roy Wood, Jr., this podcast will supply you with the knowledge, motivation, and vitamin supplements you need to become an epic one-man success machine. Originally aired January 20, 2020. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. People come up to me all the time and say, Trevor, how did you learn to crush it so hard? I always give them the same answer. Mr. Ronnie Chang. In hashtag crushing a success podcast for winners, Ronnie will give you the motivation, the life hacks and the FDA pending dietary supplements

that you need testing, diabetes is a mindset and a hoax. Test, one, two. What's up, Chang, gang? Your boy Ronnie Chang, here, with another episode, crushing a success podcast for winners. A lot of people ask me, Hey, Ronnie, how can I crush it as hard as you're crushing it? The answer is, you can't.

I'm crushing it harder than scientists thought possible. I've written 13 books, delivered 28, t, and I follow 58,000 people on Twitter. I post over 400 inspirational quotes a day on Instagram, and I own over 4,000 t-shirts from Ed Hardy. I'm a non-stop dynamo of epic winning. Okay, I'm like Elon Musk without the weird anime fetish. Fuck you, Elon! But hey, if you listen to this, Pekas, and follow my advice, maybe you too can ride this cross train to crush town.

And the train conductor? It's Jeremy Piven. All right, I'm ready to pound. Let's start the show. Success, money, Instagram, Airpods, baking. Wow! I'm still buzzing you guys. I just delivered the keynote at a Power Thought Summit, presented by Forbes and Lean Cuisine. In fact, if you're interested, you can stream my speech right now.

It's titled Why Every Entrepreneur should try Huffing Spray Paint. Check that out on YouTube or catch me in my next live event, pumping up the crowd at a winter assembly for Pembroke Middle School. Mrs. Goldstein's class is going to be singing Christmas carols and I'm going to be shooting red bulls out of a t-shirt can. Right now I'm doing a solids and liquids cleanse. I'm not eating it. Hell yeah, you know what that means? It's time for the cleanse report. Right now I'm doing a solids and liquids cleanse. I'm not eating or drinking any solids or liquids for two weeks. I mean, for breakfast, I had some vapes smoke.

And for lunch, I think I'm going to suck the helium off a balloon animal. I gotta tell you, thanks to this cleanse, hey, my energy is up, my blood pressure is down, and my motor skills are shot. If any of that sounds appealing to you, why don't you check out my website, Ronnie Chang dot protein powder. I've got exclusive recipes and an interview with Ashton Kutcher. That's a Ronnie bomb. All right, I'm jacked.

Let's take some calls. If you got a question about anything, entrepreneurship, muscle mass, manscaping. Dial 859, epic bro right now. If the line is busy, dial harder. It's crush hour. All right, we got a call on the line. It's James from Danbury, Connecticut. Hello, James. Hi Ronnie, a long-time fan.

Of course you are. I'm an Alpha's Alpha. I'm an Alfalfa. So I'm about to be a college freshman, and I want to become a doctor, I'm thinking a neurosurgeon maybe. Do you have any advice for how I can make that happen? James, I do have some advice. And that advice is, don't go to college, bro. Student debt is for suckers. You can learn everything you would in medical school

by purchasing a corpse on the dark web. You buy the corpse, you cut it open, you poke around inside, and hey, you'll be ready to operate on live humans after four to five corpses. No debt required. That said, you should pledge a frat. Next caller. Hey Ronnie, this is Mike from Staten Island. What's up Mike from Staten Island. How can I improve your life today? I want to be an Instagram influencer. Right now I have 200 followers, mostly high school friends. How can I gain more? Okay, I get this a lot. The answer is simple. Instagram loves sex appeal and it loves travel. So, I always tell people, quit your job and become a pirate. Go somewhere sexy like Somalia, your Instagram will explode. Trust me, bro, uh.

Oh, okay. Is there a way I can gain Instagram followers without becoming a pirate? No. Bro, are you kidding me? I just gave you advice that's worth like a billion dollars. Get off the phone and go on the next flight to Mogadishu, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. to to to to to to to to to to the the the to the the the the to the the the to to to to to to to to to to You're kidding! Get off the phone and go on the next flight to Mogadishu. Okay, I've had enough of you. Next caller. Oh, hello? 911. My husband, he's gripping at his chest. I think he's having a heart attack.

Oh, hell yeah. Okay, some context of our listeners. You pay a guy at the phone company to redirect 911 calls to your personal line. Instant Growth Hack. Hello is this 911? My husband is in real pain. Wow, it sounds like he's really suffering. From a bad attitude. That's a money bomb. I don't know how I get connected to you. But please send an ambulance.

Oh, p-oh. You definitely not with that negativity. Don't hate job create. . Not with that negativity. Don't hate job create. Okay. Next caller. Mr. Chang. This is Agent Jim Peterson again with the Internal Revenue Service. Okay, that was a wrong number. You know I've got a lot of haters at the IRS because of how successful I've been. Like seriously, I'm the mother to rees of giving vibes and the Wesley Snipes of paying taxes. All right. Next caller is Ryan from Nashville. What's up buddy buddy? Hey, ma'am, I just finished reading your book. Nice, thank you so much.

For those who don't know, my new book, The Success Virus, How to Infect Yourself with Winning is in stores now. It's 220 pages of pure knowledge. Yeah, about that. The first 20 pages were just foals of you at Plant Fitness and then the last 200 pays were just a knockoff of the babysitters club. Hey, don't knock the teenage child care society. I'm in talks with Disney Plus to make into a mini series. There was no advice in the book at all. I want my money back.

Yeah, and I want my former assistants to stop telling people I have a lifetime ban from Jiffel Loo-Jiffie, but we don't, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, they the, I, the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ttax, toge, toge, togu., togu., togu. togu. togu. togu. togu. togu togu tha. I tha. th th what we crush. Let's crush an ad break right now and when we're back what have my special guest Daily Show correspondent Roy Wood Jr. and I'm gonna ask him if he's ever snorted dog tranquilizers. Woo! Woo! Today's episode is sponsored by Dr. Manhoods Tissues. Today's episode is sponsored by Dr. Manhoods Tissues for Men. Are you tired of girly tissues that look like they were designed by Nancy Myers, director

of somethings God Give, and the Holiday, whatever those are? Then you need Dr. Manhoods tissues for men. They're 100% testosterone fueled badass tissue for jacked up broads. They're just like regular tissues except they come in a black box with flames inside. You don't wear ladies clothes or vote for a female politician and why are you blowing your nose with a woman's cleanex? Dr. Manhood's Tissues for Men. Don't blow your nose. Bro your nose. Today's episode, a hashtag crushing is brought to you by Ronnie Chan's cursed healing crystals. Listen Bros. These crystals will change your life. I recently mowed down a witch with my Tesla and when I went to go check for the body,

all that was there was a burlap sack filled with these crystals. Now I'm selling them to you for literally any amount of money. Please, I need them out of my house. I just tried to throw them in a river, but when I got back to my place, there was more of them. Ryan Chang's cursed healing crystals. Oh God, they're glowing again. All right, we're back, and we're joined now by a legendary guest. All right, we're back and we're joined now by a legendary guest.

He's a correspondent on the Daily Show with Trevor Noah. and he th and he th, and he th, and he th, and he th, and he th, and he th, and he th, and I I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I the, I need the, I need th- I need th- th- th- th- th- th- the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I the, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need th, I need thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, I thin, thin, that-a' that, that, that, that, looks like he could bench, I don't know, 230, 240, that's right. Roy Wood Jr. is here. I actually I think I can bench press like 175 last I tried. Okay well that's pretty weak. What does that smell? It's deer carcass. Roy you are crushing it. Well thanks man you're crushing it too Ronnie. Yeah I know it's actually a problem. It's th th th th the the the th. Roy the the the th. Roy the th. Roy the the th. Roy th. Roy the th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy thi th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, th. Roy, thi, thi, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thi. Roy, thanks, man. You're crushing it too, Ronnie. Yeah, I know. It's actually a problem. How hard I'm crushing it. It's starting to affect the people around me and the people I love. Roy, let me ask you something. You're like a stand-up comedian, right? A lot of nights on the road, lonely. How do you stay emotionally connected to your loved ones while maintaining focus on your career? I think the important thing when you're traveling is to take something from home on the road. I'm just kidding, no one cares about that.

This is my first real question. Hey, you ever done DMT? Uh, no. You ever inject horse platelets? Uh, I don't even know what that means. You ever free base of stuff inside glow sticks? I'm not into that Ronnie. I just, can we just talk about some of the stuff I'm working on? I got a web series. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

But before that, Roy, right, let me just ask you. You ever take LSD and have a threesome inside an aquarium? You just got shang-banged. You just got chained. You're just a question about travel. Okay. all right. Alright, fine. Go ahead, but you might if I crank out some chin-ups while you talk? Fine, do whatever you need to do, man. Look, when I'm on the road, I do my best to make sure that my family is my number one priority.

I face time with my son. I try to make sure that my son knows that I love him. You got to say pain is just weakness, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, the thia, thia, thi, thi, thi, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, tom, tom, tha, tha, tha, togu, togu, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, t, toge, togu. togu. togu. togu. togu. togu. try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, togu. tog son knows that I love him so I face time with him evident. You got this said. Pain is just weakness exiting the bottom. So for me it comes down to one question when I'm looking at what gigs to take. Will this opportunity negatively affect my family life because I have to consider how many days I'm going to miss my family? For sure man. Great, great. I did 300 chin-ups by the way. Not sure if you notice me over there just just. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to. th. to thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. the. the. to the. to thee. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea. to to to to to to the. th way. Not sure if you notice me over there just pulling up, just just ripping metal. So I gotta ask, you're doing no pee November? What the hell is no pee November? November? It's where you don't urinate for an entire month of November. I'm doing it, it's sick. Runny November was last year. Dude, November is a state of mind. Is that like no nuttnu-nupe, where you don't masturbate to? It's. It. It. It. It. It's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, thine. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. to the. toe. toe. toe. toeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. toe. toe. the. the. the you don't masturbate to? It's like that because it involves the penis, but instead of nutting, it's urine.

So you haven't peed for an entire month? That's right. The only peeve I'm into is P90X. It's a powerful word because it's got numbers and letters in it. Speaking of power, you ever eat a bald eagle? They're an endangered species. Patriotism, bro! I eat bald eagle and I feel America coursing through my veins. Why would you even buy a bald?

No, I haven't eaten. Okay, so I was watching your last standout special. Very funny stuff, by the way. Appreciate that. Thanks. I especially love the part where you talk about the nuttreatments of elk meat. I... I'm th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. thed. theree. theree. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even even. I to even. I to even. I to even. I to even. I to even. I to even. I to even. I to even. I to even. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. the. the. the. the. theateat theat theat theat that that that told. to to to told to to to toldeat didn't talk about elk in my special. I didn't talk about elk meat. Oh, okay, well, maybe I'm confused because I watched it on 10X speed, finished a whole hour

in six minutes. Anyway, you ever do a elk binge? It's where you kill an elk and you have 72 hours to eat the entire thing, including the bones. It's how cavemen also had an average lifespan of 17 years. They didn't have Tesla as a podcast. They didn't even speak English. That's a really good point. Oak meat is really lean and dense and nutrients. It feels like I'm saying things and then you're just hearing words completely different from the words I'm saying.

Like, you know, all right. Can I ask you a question? Shoot. Why are you like this? Why are you obsessed with cavemen fitness routines, masculine diet fads and drugs inside of glow sticks and eating eagle jerky? What happened to you? What made you this way? Wow, no one's ever asked me that before. Actually you know what? I don't know if I can talk about this. No no no no you, you can, you can, you can.

Sure. Okay, well, ever since I was a teenager, I knew I was different. I was rebellious and I fell in with the wrong crowd. I got into fast cars, extreme sports, trusty women. Okay, but that's pretty on par for a young guy. That's no one day my life changed. The government needed my extreme sports expertise to infiltrate a Russian terrorist cell in Central Europe. Okay, but hold up. Please Roy let me get through this. The terrorist group known as Anarchy 99 had acquired a biochemical weapon

and there was only one way to disarm the missile using my extreme sports capabilities and racing cars through the streets of Prague. th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th of th th th th th thinininininininininnenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenenene th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Then. thi. Then. Then. Then. Then. thi. thi. Then. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th.. the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. theauuuuuuu. theauu. thea. thea. thea. the the thea. thea. way to disarm the missile using my extreme sports capabilities and racing cars through the streets of Prague. Wait, so Anarchy 99? Yeah, you're sure that was the name of the terrorist group? Yeah Okay, that's just the plot to Triple X. That was Vin Diesel who did all that. You didn't do that shit. Yeah, they based that movie on me. You're full of shit. No, thi. No, man. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. th. th. th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the weird. Well, the doors a lot from the outside, so that's not happening. Okay, that's another episode, a hashtag crushing, a success podcast for winners. Can I at least plug my website? I hope you learn some new ways to hack your way through the jungle we call life. Thanks to my guest, Ray Woods Jr. Thanks everyone. I gotta go do cross fit cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross cross. the the the to to to to the to the to to the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. the. to. the. to to to to the. the. the. thoooooooooo. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm? Thanks everyone, I gotta go do CrossFit with the founder of WeWork. We're best friends.

Until next time, keep crushing that shit! Woo! This episode is brought to you by Legal Zoo. Did you commit a crime at a zoo? For example, try to steal a goat? Then you need Legal Zoo, the premier portal for attorneys practicing zoo law. Last year I was charged with public intoxication in the Hall of Birds. It was total BS. But a lawyer from legal zoo helped me bribe the judge and get out of community service. Legal Zoo, for when you're actually going to kangaroo court.

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