The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show Podcast Universe Presents 'Podcast Today' & 'Crushing: A Success Podcast for Winners'

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

The Daily Show's Podcast Universe presents a parody of the genre. First, "Podcast Today" hosted by Desi Lydic, Michael Kosta, and Jaboukie Young-White who bring you the ultimate podcast - more ads, more housekeeping, and more plugs for live shows than you ever thought possible. And later, "Crushing" hosted by Ronny Chieng and featuring Roy Wood, Jr., will supply you with the knowledge, motivation, and vitamin supplements you need to become an epic one-man success machine.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart here, unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show, we're gonna be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Are you a busy person who's always on the go? This next podcast is for you. No bull, no filler.

Just news and analysis, that's straight to the point. No beating around the bush. No wasting your time. No repetition. We know you're a busy person who's always on the go. This next podcast is for you. Bucle your seat belts. Desilitic and Michael Costa present present podcast today. Hello and welcome to podcast today where we cut through the noise

and bring you real talk about what's happening today. I'm Desilatic. I'm Michael Costa. Before we get to today's episode, some quick housekeeping. Thursday's pod will be released at 6 p.m. instead of 1 p.m. because I have to take my dog to the dentist. Also, a little more housekeeping. Friday's show is a listener mail bag. Send in those questions to pod tod-tod-tod-tod-tod-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-s. tho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-soo-soo-soo-soo-soo-soo-soo-soo-soo-s. too-s. too-s. too-s. too-s. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to to too-s. too-s. too-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-cc-c. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s. to-s questions to pod today letters at minespring.emel. One last bit of housekeeping. Thursday's pod will be at 1 p.m. again. My dog no longer has a cavity.

Well, terrific. Turns out my dog didn't have a cavity. He just needed a Sharpie. We should also mention tickets are now on sale to our live shows in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, Oklahoma. Right. And you, use code I'm with podcast. San Antonio, Jacksonville, Biloxi, Philadelphia. Right, and you can use code. Detroit, Miami, Green Bay, Providence, Atlanta,

Chesapeake, Fresno, Norfolk and Boise. Is that all? Can I announce a code now? Go for it. Use code, I'm with. Indianapolis, St. the province. to today. Use code I'm with code with I I I I'm with I'm with I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. I'm with. the. the. I'm with. I'm with. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the. the. I. the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the. the. the. the. I. I. the. I. I. the. the. I. the. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to.. to. to.. to. to...........................................'ll see you soon. Use Code, I'm with Podcast for 2% off early bird tickets. I forgot to mention Branson, Missouri. We're also going to be in Branson, Missouri. Hey, just a reminder that you should follow at podcast today on Twitter. Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, TikTok, Pinterest,

AdultFace, adult friend finder. And of course the weightlifting forums. This episode of podcast today is brought to you by Shrimp Fix. Every week Shrimp Fix sends you a 24-pound box of delicious golf shrimp. Are you tired of walking down the sidewalk with a big net full of shrimp? Try shrimp. It's shrimp. It's shrimp. It's shrimp. Knock knock, who's there?

Look on your doorstep. It's a big box of shrimp. Are you still going to the grocery store to buy shrimp? What are you, Amish? Log on to Shrimp Fix.com, backslash today, and your first order will come with a free bucket of tartar sauce. Before we get started, we have an exciting announcement about a new partnership.

Podcast today is teaming up with the good folks at VoteSpank.org for a great project. Here's the deal. Ahead of the election, Vote Spank.org and Podcast Today are going to make polling sites brand spanking new. That's right, Desi. We're going to renovate in DeVermen, church basements, school gyms, abandoned circuit cities, anywhere votes are going to be cast. No more polling places will be closed because of raccoon investations, unlike the last time.

All you have to do to participate is go to vote spank.org, sign up, give them your name, email address, birth date, home address, work address, income level. You just show up in some loose-fitting clothes, pre-s, to to to, and 20 feet of nautical grade rope, and you're all set. Let's spank this election, flat palms, big wind-up, firm contact. Boat spanked.org, together we can make democracy brand spank and new.

You know, I think it's time to introduce our guest in. Yeah, that's right. He's a correspondent for the Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Jabuki Young White. Thanks so much for having me. You know, the studio is a lot smaller than I thought it would be. the ha ha ha. Now, Djibouki, before we talk shop, you have a book to promote? Yes, well, it's actually more like a Twitter account. It's my Twitter account at Djibouki. Cool and where can our listeners find your Twitter account on Twitter?

Fantastic. I can't wait to read it, Desi. Before we get to Djibouki, we just have a little more housekeeping. Podcast Today is looking for new theme music. So if you're an amateur composer and you want to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to the to to to the to to to to the the the the to tooge. tooge. tooge. tooom. tooom. tooom. tooom. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toom. toom. to. too.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.....e..... you can submit your compositions at podcast today music at prodigy.net. Just a few guidelines. Your theme song has to be original. It has to be less than 30 seconds. Has to be fungy. It must include a flu. There can't be any screams in the background. And it must be in a frequency that sends marine life into a frenzy. Lyrics cannot include slurs against Macedonians or Turks. But they must include at least two references to Sigourney Weaver. Get those submissions in, guys.

Can't wait to hear them. Okay, we want to remind our listeners to check out our sister pod, podcast today this week. This week on podcast today this week, we'll have some amazing guess, including Montana governor and former presidential candidate, Steve Bullock. Is he related to Sandra Bullock? That's what we're going to find out. Tune in! You know what I was thinking?

If Sandra Bullock were the first lady, she'd turn the White House into the Lake House, you know what I'm saying? I don't think I do. Yeah, what does that mean? You know, the lake house? Kianou Rieves and Sandra Bullock exchanged love letters through a mysterious timespace portal inside of Lakehouse's mailbox. Podcast today is brought you by Claire space. Need a website specifically dedicated to Claire Daines? Use Claire space. We have thousands of different templates you can use to create a website revolving around the actress Claire Danes

and nothing else. I'm serious. If you try to make the website about muffins or something, then your computer will crash and give you a virus. Clarespace, because Claire Dains is a national treasure. Kassie, you use Clare space, right? I actually use Clare space to build my internet tribute to Brokedown Palace. Clare space. If you make a website about Jennifer Lovewett, get malware. And now it's time to get to the point. As always, get to the point is sponsored by Henry's Rusty Shave Club. Henry's Rusty Shave Club was started by two college roommates who hated shaving with high-priced razors so they decided to do something about it. They bought a German factory that had been making torture devices until it abruptly shut down in 1945, but was still filled with

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Costa, you use Buckbanger this week? I sure did. So Monday, I went to the movies with my buddy. We saw Aladdin again. Oh, you love a rapping genie. I can't help it. Anyway, we get the tickets, we see the movie, it's magical. And on the way out of the parking lot, I run over a rare bird. Oh, a rare bird.

Yeah, an ivory-billed woodpecker. Crazy, endangered. Huge fine for turning it into a road pancake. So naturally, I opened my wallet to buy the silence of all the witnesses, but, uh-oh, I spent my last Jackson on Mr. Will Smith's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's's, the th's, th's, th's, th's, thi's, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, toe, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, crazy, crazy, thi, crazy, crazy, th. th. th. th. thi, th, th. th, th-a, th-a, th-a, th-a, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tttttttttttttttttttttttttttoday, ttttttttttoday, tttttoday, ttoday, ttttttt what do I do? I open the Buckbanger app, send $50 bribes to everyone who saw me do it, and I'm home by dinner time Googling when is Aladdin 2 coming out? By the way, the answer? Not soon enough. Uh, Costa, you just confess to a crime. What? The crime of loving Aladdin? If that's a crime, then lock me up in solitary confinement, preferably with a Blu-ray of Will Smith's Aladdin. Buckbanger, the easiest way to send money.

All right, let's get to the point. But before we do, we need to address something we said on Monday's show. Let's take a listen. take listen. It's Monday. And before we get get started we have some housekeeping. Right. Tuesday's show will be pushed back to 3 p.m. instead of 1 p.m. I have to be home at 1 p.m. to get my latest shipment from shrimp fix. Hey, is it bad if hypothetically a dog eats a sharpie?

Just some housekeeping on that bit of housekeeping. Tuesday's show was actually released at 3.30 p.m. instead of 3 p.m. Because we had more housekeeping than we anticipated. And just a bit more housekeeping. We are aiming to have less housekeeping going forward. That's right. Fewer housekeeping? Fewer housekeeping.

Guys, by the way, it's actually houses keeping, like attorneys general or ASAP's Rocky. Just so you know. And now, let's get to the point. Quick reminder, if you like Get to the Point as well as other great podcast today segments, like, check this out. Is this real life? It's only Tuesday, and that just happened. Rate and review us. Rate and review us on Apple podcast, Stitcher, Spotify,

Breaker, Pod Squad, Hewlett Packer Pods, Prodogy, CompuServecast, and Earthlink. Website, backslash, revues, backslash, slash, slash. And just to clarify, because there's been some confusion, that's the backslash symbol. If you end that to, the the the the the the to, thaa, the backslash. If you end that URL with two backslash symbols, it sends you to a pretty out there website. Yeah, it's real jarring stuff actually.

Anyway, those reviews really help us out. They boost our rankings, which allow us to be discovered by more people. And they also can serve as powerful character statements for us during court proceedings, they're the way, shout out to listener David the Dave Man 18. Your review saying we were quote awesome, help me get back custody of my kids. Can I go now or do you guys want me to weigh in on something? No, we're ready for you. Yeah, sure are. Our guest today is jibuki young white. Jibuki, how areay is brought to you by Just the Packaging. Do you love coming home to something that you ordered online, but you don't have the money

to buy lots of shit? Well, Just Packaging will ship you a big box of tissue paper, bubble wrap, and all that other stuff that's so fun to open. And that's it. No meals to cookon and send back. It's just the packaging. Thanks. Before we move on, we've got some sad personnel news. We do? This is Michael Costa's final episode of podcast today. Wait, was I fired? We are super excited about our permanent new host, Jabuki Young White. What's up? I'm super excited? We are super excited about our permanent new host, Jabuki Young White.

What's us? I'm super excited to break down all the issues of the day with y'all. Costa, can you please get your shit out of your office? Now, you can still listen to Michael Costa on our brand new international sister pod, podcast today Kosovo, up to the date news and commentary live from the Balkans. Kosovo like up to the date news and commentary live from the Balkans. Kosovo? Kosovo like the country? Just read the paper.

Hello, podcast today, Kosovo fans. Tickets are now on sale for our live shows in Sarajevo, Dubrovnik, Chernobyl, Bucharest, and northern Chechnya. Use Code Holo, Kosovo for 20 Zlatels off. And so I don't even have a passport. By the way, a bit of housekeeping there is now an emergency bonus pod for our titanium tier supporters on Patrient. That's right.

Head to our fan page right now to hear an exclusive 5 alarm bonus pod that features our extended interview with podcast today, Cosevo host Michael Costa, who will have secretly infiltrated a Chechen terrorist group. People, point of order, please. Has the new Aladdin even been released in Kosovo? Pondcast today is produced by Tom Baylor and Sheila Mansfield and recorded at Daily Show Studios in the heart of Manhattan's little Belgrade. Trevor Noah's our research is provided by Miroslav Birkovich.

Our audio engineer is Petra Mastorovic. Legal services provided by the law firm of F. Feeke, Feeh-Fiak and Milosovich. A man known only as the Scorpion is our lookout. An unsuspecting Uber driver named Cynthia is our wheelman, and laundry and pet sitting is handled by Zivko Vuyadinovich. Our fabulous interns are Greg Rasputin, Lizzy Borden, the third, and Lyle Menendez.

Costa want to leave us with any parting words? Yeah, actually I just Google then Aladdin is not in Kosovo right now. There's no, it doesn't seem to be any showtimes or movie theaters. This is kind of what keeps me grounded. And you have nothing to say now, both of you? I guess you could wait for it to show up on Prime. And now you're the fucking host all of a sudden. I mean you didn't even know, you don't even know that you were going to be the host. But I... Just wait, dude. Just give it 10 years of hard work. And the try. Well, you know, I stepped, I I I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. th. th. th. the the th. th. the th. th. the the the the the thi, to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their try. their try. the the try. the try. try. try. the try. to th. to to to to to to to to have they try. Well, you know, I stepped up to the plate and I think maybe that could be a part of the reason why. Couldn't even pronounce Zerjanovich. show we're going to be talking about the election economics ingredient to bread

ratio on sandwiches listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast people come up to me all the time and say Trevor how did you learn to crush it so hard I always give them the same answer. Mr. Ronnie Chang. In hashtag crushing a success podcast for winners, Ronnie will give you the motivation, the life hacks and the FDA pending dietary supplements

that you need to live epically. Ronnie Chang here with another episode, a hashtag crushing, a success podcast for winners. A lot of people ask me, hey Ronnie, how can I crush it as hard as you're crushing it? The answer is, you can't. I'm crushing it harder than scientists thought possible. I've written 13 books, delivered 28 TED Talks, and I follow 58,000 people on Twitter. I post over 400 inspirational quotes a day on Instagram and I own over 4,000 t-shirts from Ed Hardy. I'm a non-stop dynamo of epic winning. Okay, I'm like Elon Musk without a weird anime fetish. Fuck you, Elon. But hey, if you listen to this Pekas and follow my advice, maybe you too can write this cross train to Crush Town. And the train conductor? It's Jeremy Piven.

All right, I'm ready to pound. Let's start the show. Success. Money. Instagram. Airpods. Bacon. I'm still buzzing you guys. I just delivered the keynote at a Power Thought Summit, presented by Forbes and Lean Cuisine. In fact, if you're interested, you can stream my speech right now. It's titled Why Every Entrepreneur should try Huffing Spray Paint. Check that out on YouTube or Catching in my next live event, pumping up the crowd at a winter assembly for Pembrook Middle School. Mrs. Goldstein's class is going to be singing thols, and I'm going to be shooting red balls out of a t-shirt cannon.

thanot. Clenze. Clenze. Ah, hell yeah. You know what that means? It's time for the cleanse report. Right now, I'm doing a solids and liquids. I'm not eating or drinking any solids the solids tholic. I mean for breakfast I had some vape smoke and for lunch I think I'm gonna suck the helium off a balloon animal. I gotta tell you thanks to this

cleanse hey my energy is up my blood pressure is down and my motor skills are shot. If any of that sounds appealing to you why don't you check out my website Ronnie Chang dot protein powder. I've got exclusive recipes and an interview with Ashton Kutcher. That's a Ronnie bomb. All right, I'm jacked. Let's take some calls. If you got a question about anything, entrepreneurship, muscle mass, manscaping.

Dial 859, Epic Bro right now. If the line is busy, dial 859 epic blow right now. If a line is busy, dial harder. It's crush hour. All right, we got a call on the line. It's James from Danbury, Connecticut. Hello, James. Hi Ronnie, long-time fan. Of course you are. I'm an alpha. I'm an alfalfa.

So I'm about to be a college freshman and I want to become a doctor, I'm thinking a neurosurgeon maybe. Do you have any advice for how I can make that happen? James, I do have some advice. And that advice is, don't go to college, bro. Student debt is for suckers. You can learn everything you would in medical school by purchasing a corpse on the dark web. You buy the corpse, you cut it open, you poke around inside, and hey, you'll be ready to operate on live humans after four to five corpses, no debt required. That said, you should pledge a frat. Next caller. Hey Ronnie, this is Mike from Staten Island. How can I improve your life today? I want to be an Instagram influencer. Right now I have 200 followers, mostly high school friends. How can I gain more?

Okay, I get this a lot. The answer is simple. Instagram loves sex appeal and it loves travel. So, I always tell people, quit your job and become a pirate. Go somewhere sexy like Somalia, your Instagram will explode. Trust me, bro. Oh, okay. Is there a way I can gain Instagram followers without becoming a pirate? No, bro, are you kidding me? I just gave you advice that's worth like a billion dollars. You're kidding!

Get off the phone and go on the next flight to Mogadishu. Okay, I've had enough of you. Next caller. Hello, hello, hello, husband, he's gripping at his chest. I think he's having a heart attack. Oh, hell yeah! Okay, some context of our listeners. I recently got a life hack from Post Malone. You pay a guy at a phone company to redirect 911 calls to your personal line.

Instant growth hack. Hello is this 911. Wow, it sounds like he's really suffering from a bad attitude. That's a money ball. I don't know how I get connected to you. But please send an ambulance. I don't think he's going to make it. You definitely not with that negativity.

Don't hate job create. Okay, next call it. Mr. Chang, this is Agent Jim Peterson again with the Internal Revenue Service. OK, that was a wrong number. You know, I've got a lot of haters at the IRS because of how successful I've been. Like, seriously, I'm the Mother Teresa of Giving Vibes and the Wesley Snipes are paying taxes. All right, next caller is Ryan from Nashville.

What's up, buddy? Hey, ma'am. I just finished reading your book. For those who don't know, my new book, The Success Virus, How to Infect Yourself with Winning, is in stores now, is 220 pages of Pure Knowledge. Yeah, about that. The first 20 pages were just foes of you at Planet Fitness, and then the last 200 pages were just a knockoff of the babysitter's club. Hey, don't knock the teenage child care society. I'm in talks with Disney Plus to make it into a mini series. There was no advice in the book at all. I want my money back. Yeah? And I want my former assistants to stop telling people I have a lifetime ban from Jiffilube.

But we don't always get what we want. We get what we crush. Let's crush an ad break right now. And when we're back, we're my special guest. Daily Show correspondent Roy Wood Jr. And I'm going to to to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to to ask to ask to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I the their. I the the the the t. I. I t. I tf. I tf. I tf. I tf. I tf. I tel. I tell. I tell. I tell. I the tell. I's ever snorted dog tranquilizers. Woo! Today's episode is sponsored by Dr. Manhoods Tissues for Men. Are you tired of girly tissues that look like they were designed by Nancy Myers, director of somethings God give and the holiday? Whatever those are. Then you need Dr. Manhood's Tissues for Men. They're 100% testosterone-fueled badass tissues for jacked-up broads. They're just like regular tissues, except they come in a black box with flames on the side. You don't wear a lady's clothes or vote for a female politician.

And why are you blowing your nose with a woman's Kleenex. Dr. Manhood's Tissues for Men. Don't blow your nose. Bro your nose. Today's episode, a hashtag crushing is brought to you by Ronning Chan's cursed healing crystals. Listen, broes, these crystals will change your life. I recently mowed down a witch with my Tesla, and when I went to go check for the body, all that was there was a burlap sack filled with these crystals. Now I'm selling them to you for literally any amount of money.

Please, I need them out of my house. I just tried to throw them in a river but when I got back to my place there was more of them. Ryan Chang's cursed healing crystals. Oh God they're they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are their. I they are their, their, their, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. I tho. That's, tho. That's, I the, I the, I the, I the the the the, I the th. I th. I th, I th, I th, I th, I I I I I th, I I I I I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I'm thi. That's, the. That's theeeeat thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I'm the. I'm tho. I'm they're glowing again. Hey everybody John Stewart here I am here to tell you about my new podcast the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're gonna be talking about the election earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're gonna be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of

options as far as podcasts go but how many of them come out on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast. All right, we're back and we're joined now by a legendary guest. He's a correspondent on the Daily Show with Trevor Noah, and he looks like he could bench, don't know 230 240 that's right Roywood Jr. is here I actually I think I can bench press like 175 less I tried okay well that's pretty weak what does that smell it's dear carcas Roy you are crushing it well thanks man you're crushing it too Ronnie yeah I know

it's it's actually a problem how hot I'm crushing it starting to affect the people around me the the the the the th the th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thu thu thu thu thu thu- th. th. th. th. th. th. Roy th. Roy th. Roy th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the the thi the the the thi the the the the the the the thi the thi thi it. It's starting to affect the people around me and the people I love. Roy let me let me ask you something. You're like a stand-up comedian, right? A lot of nights on the road, lonely. How do you stay emotionally connected to your loved ones while maintaining focus on your career? I think the important thing when you're traveling is to take something from home on the road. I'm just kidding, no one cares about that. This is my first real question. Hey, you ever done DMT? Uh, no.

You ever inject horse platelets? I don't even know what that is. You ever free base of stuff inside glow sticks? I'm not into that Ronnie I just can we just talk about some of the stuff I'm working on I got a web series Yeah, yeah, sure sure sure but before that Roy Roy let me just ask you You ever take LSD and have a threesome inside an aquarium You just got shangbang you know what Ronnie I'm gonna just answer a trau kang-bang? You know what I'm just answer a question about travel okay, okay, all right? All right, I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that. that. that that. that. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's they. they. that's they. they. they. they. they. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm. I's. I's. I's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. tr. tr. tre. tre. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. Do you answer the travel question? Okay, fine, go ahead, but you might if I crank out some chin-ups while you talk? Fine, do whatever you need to do, man. Look, when I'm on the road, I do my best to make sure that my family is my number one priority.

I face time with my son. I try to make sure that my son knows that I love him so I face time with him evident. Pain is just weakness exiting the bottom. So for me it comes down to one question when I'm looking at what gigs should take will this opportunity negatively affect my family life because I have to consider how many days I'm going to miss my family for sure man. For sure man great I did 300 chin-ups by the way. Not sure if you notice me over there just pulling up, just ripping metal. So I gotta ask, you're doing no pee November? What the hell is no pee November? It's where you don't urinate for an entire month of November. I'm doing it, it's sick.

Runny November was last year. Dude, November is a state of mind. Is that like no nut? November where you don't masturbate to? It's like that because it involves the penis, but instead of nutting, it's urine. So you haven't peed for an entire month? That's right. The only pee I'm into is P90X. It's a powerful word because it's got numbers and letters in it. Speaking of power, you ever eat a bald eagle? You ever eat a bald eagle?

They're an endangered species. Dangerous species, why would I eat an... Patriotism, bro! I eat bald eagle and I feel America coursing through my veins. I even buy a bald e-. No, I haven't eaten. Okay, so I was watching your last standout special. Very funny stuff, by the way. Appreciate that, thanks. I especially love the part where you talked about elk meat. I especially love the talk about elk. Am I special? I didn't talk about elk meat.

Oh, okay, well, maybe I'm confused because I watched it on 10X speed. Finished a whole hour in six minutes. Anyway, you ever do a elk binge? It's where you kill an elk and you have 72 hours to eat the entire thing, including the bones. It's how really good point. Oak meat is really lean and dense and nutrients. It feels like I'm saying things and then you're just hearing words completely different from the words I'm saying. Totally. That was so 90s. You know, all right. Can I ask you a question? Shoot. Why are you like this? Why are you obsessed with cavemen fitness routines, masculine diet

fads and drugs inside of glow sticks and eating eagle jerky? What happened to you? What made you this way? Wow, no one's ever asked me that before. Actually, you know what, I don't know if I can talk about this. No, no, no, no, no, you can, you can, you can. Sure. Okay, well, ever since I was a teenager, I knew I was different. I was rebellious and I fell in with the wrong crowd. I got into fast cars, extreme sports, trusty women. Okay, but that's pretty on par for a young guy. Then one day my life changed. Presty women. Okay, but that's pretty on par for a young guy.

That's... Then one day my life changed. The government needed my extreme sports expertise to infiltrate a Russian terrorist cell in Central Europe. Okay, but hold up. Please, Roy, let me get through this. The terrorist group known as Anarchy 99 had acquired a biochemical weapon, and there was only one way to disarm the missile, using my extreme sports capabilities, tapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapap, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, th, and, and, and, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, and thrust, and thrust, and threats, threats, threats, threats, threats, ando, Ia, threats, threats, threats, threats, threats, and their, using my extreme sports capabilities and racing cars through the streets of Prague. Wait, so Anarchy 99?

Yeah. You're sure that was the name of the terrorist group? Yeah. Okay, that's just the plot to Triple X. That was Vin Diesel who did all that. You didn't do that shit. Yeah, they based that movie on me. You're full of the thuu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. th. thu. th. th. th. thu. thu. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's that's thi. that's that's the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. th is weird. Well, the doors a lot from the outside, so that's not happening. Okay, that's another episode, a hashtag crushing, a success podcast for winners. Can I at least plug my website?

I hope you learn some new ways to hack your way through the jungle we call life. Thanks to my guest, Ray Woods Jr. Did the dishes move? Thanks everyone. I gotta go do CrossFit with the founder of WeWork. We're best friends. Until next time, keep crushing that shit! Woo! This episode is brought to you by Legal Zoo. Did you commit a crime at a zoo? For example, try to steal a goat? Then you need Legal Zoo, the premier portal for attorneys practicing zoo law. Last year I was charged with public intoxication in the Hall of Birds.

It was total BS. But a lawyer from legal zoo helped me bribe the judge and get out of community service. Legal Zoo, for when you're actually going to kangaroo court. This episode of hashtag crushing is brought to you by mantras. The mattress made specifically for brows. Are you worried that sleeping is ruining your physique? All those hours you have to spend in bed making your pecks as soft as pillows? Well then you need mantras. It's the only mattress that spews pure testosterone juice into your mouth while you sleep.

Plus if you use the promo code shaft, mantras will throw in a free set of leather sheets. Bro, if you haven't slept on leather, you haven't slept. Mantras, Crush your dreams. full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election. Economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches.

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