The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Show Presents: Remotely Educational

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

Trevor and The Daily Show correspondents provide pandemic-era education by covering topics ranging from real-life math to gym class, with a special lesson from boy band NCT 127. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruits smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiter's powerful matching technology

starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use zip recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites, and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter Get a Quality Candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi kids, it's me, Trevor Noah. Listen, I know it's really hard during this pandemic to learn anything from a TV or a computer. Heck, it's hard for adults. A lot of them try to learn things online and the next thing you know they're storming the capital. But I wanted to help. So I asked the team here at the Daily Show to help put together a lesson plan for you guys. And not just any lesson, but the lessons you won't learn in school, but that you need to know before life teaches them to you the hard way. My friends at the show agreed to help, because they're all under contract.

So without further ado, please enjoy the Daily Show's special presentation, remotely educational. Years Edition. Oh, hey kids, welcome to geography class. What's the capital of Mozambique? I don't know. Google that shit. I am going to teach you geography. tooge class. the capital of Mozambique.

to the capital of Mozambique? I don't know. Google that shit. I am going to teach you geography. You won't learn in school but need to know. Like tod tod tod tod to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to teach you geography you won't learn in school but need to know. Like today's lesson, who hates who. That's something you gotta know. If you cab driver is Serbian, you can't be talking about that trip you took to Croatia. You're gonna get your ass thrown out on the street. So I'm gonna tell you who hates who around the globe, butthen both of them going to be mad at me and I don't want Kurdistan in my mentions.

Yeah, there to go already. Okay, let's begin. Chinese and Japanese hate each other. Indians and Pakistanis can't stand each other. Vietnamese and Cambodians do not want to be in the same room at all. Turks and Armenians hate each other. Turks and Kurds, they hate each other too. Honestly, Turkey is the nini leaks of Europe. They always at the center of some shit. You got the Russians and the Chechnyans, they always arguing.

Hungarians and Roma. Dinka and the Noor, the Irish and the British, Scots in the British. Honestly, that whole island hate itself. Ghana and Nigeria. Now, from what I I thiiiiiiiiiiiii is thii is thi is thi is thi is thi is thii is thiiii is thii is thi. T. T. Tur is thi. Turk is thi. Turkey is thi. Turkey is thi. Turkey is their turk is tuke. Turkey is tuke. Turkey is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is thi. Tur. Tur. Tur. Turk. Turk. Turk. Turkey is thi. Turkey is the. Turkey is tuke. Turkey is te.k.k.k.k.k.k.k.k. Turkey. Turkey. Turkey is tea.k. Turkey is tea. Turkey is tea. Turkey is thea. Turkey, that whole island hate itself. Ghana and Nigeria. Now, from what I understand about this beef, this one is mostly about rice. So here's the thing. Nigerians think Ganyan rice tasks like concrete. And Ganeans think Nigerian rice is a bigger international crime than their email scams.

Fortunately, centuries of colonialism have made both countries too poor to afford a nuke, so it don't really matter that much. Iranians in the Saudis, Saudis in the Houthis, Saudis in the Qatari's, Saudis and the Israelis, although now they're becoming friends because they both hate the Iranians more. In a way, Iran is really bringing the Middle East together. We've got the Sudan and South Sudan, North Korea and South Korea. Matter of fact, if there's two countries with the same name, they definitely hate each other. And then, of course, you've got the Israelis and the Palestinian. I said I'm not getting into it. God damn.

All right, let's wrap this up. Last beef. America and everybody else. Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna give it to you straight, kids. Every other country hates us. They all hate us. Some of them we invaded, some of them we overthrew. Most of them we bomb.

Some of them we save from the Nazi, so I don't know why they're mad. But it is what it is the game. But that leads me to my tip of the day, kids. If you ever travel abroad, do what I do. Pretend you're Canadian. Hell yeah, you put that maple leaf on your head right there, man. Because here's the thing. If it's one country that nobody hates, it's Canada. Be honest, I don't know what that's all the boot. But I'm gonna make thah it thah it thinin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the game thin' thin' thin' the game thin' thin' thin' the game thin' the game the the thin' the th. that' that' the game the the the the their their their their that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. thin' th. that's thin' that's the game. the the the the the the the the today. the the the the the the today. the. the the. the thean. theanan. the me. That's it for today kids. See you next time in geography class.

Yeah. Helpful phrases. Spanish. A one burrito the pooh I'm for the-a-pooh. toe'a'a'e'e'a'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e'e, in Chipotle. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I don't understand if you respond. Uh, much thanks. One chicken burrito, please. Oh, thank you for allowing me to order in Spanish while I'm here in this Chipotle.

Oh, I'm not going to understand if you respond. Thank you very much. Hi, kids. Welcome to Miss Desi's Math for Real Life. Calculus is cool and all, but if you're part of the 99% of adults who don't become math teachers, you'll want to learn some math that you won't learn in school. Now there are two times normal adults use math. Tipping your waiter 20%? This is only 8%.

And buying a home is like getting married. It's a huge decision and you're only going to do it one one one one onetimes in your life. Lucky for you, I'm a licensed real estate agent, like one-third of adults in America, so I can help you through this big decision. Step one, determine your budget. Usually, to buy a house, you'll need to put 20% of the price as a down payment. So for a $500,000 house, you'll need to have a $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, to to to to to to to to th,000,000,000,000, to to to th,000, to th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to buy to buy to buy to buy to buy to buy to buy to buy to buy a to buy a $ $ $ $ $1, to buy a $ $ $ $1, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, thi, thi, thi,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, $1,000, $1,000,000, $1,000 house you'll need to have $100,000 in savings. But you only have $3,000. Don't worry, we'll figure that out later. Let's move on to the fun part. Step two, find a house. Look at all these beautiful houses. I'm a Victorian. I'm mid-century modern. And we're twinsins But you can't afford any of these houses Oh wait, but what about that one on the end over there? That looks nice

I'm only affordable because a murder happened in me and I can't stop thinking about it. My walls will never be clean in In reliters speak we call this character, so let's put an offer in step three put in an offer an offer an offer an offer is the price the price you to you. you. you you you to you to to to to to to to to to to to you you you to you to to to to to to the the the the price you the price you the price you the price the price the price the the the to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the telli tell tell tell teli tell. tell. tell. tell. tell. tell. the the the the the the the three, put in an offer. An offer is the price you tell the seller you're willing to pay for the house. Let's offer 750 K contingent on inspection. I think that's good. Ooh. They counted at $2 million last and final. I know it's more than we talked about, but I suggest we take it. There's a Saudi shell company right behind you ready to pay all cash the cash the cash the cash the cash the cash the cash the cash the cash the cash th for cash th for cash the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thathea the, the, the, tho, thi, that, the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to, th. to, to to to to to to th. to to th. th. th. to th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to theat to to to to to to toeean, toeeateeeate. the the theeate. the. the. the, the, take it. There's a Saudi shell company right behind you ready to pay all cash. Just a quick thing. I'm paid on commission so it's really important to me that you buy this house but not really important to me that you can afford it. So you'll accept? Congrats!

On to step four. Under contract. Once you've signed the initial contract, now it's time to send a forest worth of paperwork to the bank. They'll need pay stubs, bank statements, W-2s, a credit report, a letter from your employer and your parents' address, because somebody's going to pay for this house. While you fill all that out, let's get the house inspected. Hello, Mr. Wrench, how's the house looking? Oh yeah, it's falling apart. You've got black mold, the septic system. That's right the tub, thoom. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thoom. thoom. thi. toe. thoome. the the the the the the thoome. thoom. thiol-s. thiol-s. thi. thi. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. th. th. th. th. th. t t to. to. to. to. to. to. to. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. the the the t the t toe. the the the the the the. the ic system needs to be replaced. That's right, the septic system. I bet you didn't know this house has a big tub of shit under it. It's right next to the well. Step five, closing day. Once the bank approves your paperwork,

you sign the final contracts with the previous owner and the bank, and you own the house. Specifically, you own 20% of the house. The rest belongs to the bank. Oh, which reminds me. Meet Marty the mortgage. Where's my money? You better have it by the first of the month or your ass will be out in the street. I don't give it crap if it's winter. So remember to pay your mortgage. And be happy because you're living the American dream. You own a home. And that's math class. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter.

Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web

address, Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Today's show was brought to you by the letters M and K. M.K. Ultra was a CIA mind control project that illegally experimented on humans to identify substances that could coerce people into making confessions. M.K. Hey, welcome to science class.

Today we're going to talk about animals. And I know you kids all like the fancy animals, okay? But stop being so thirsty for hippos. Because unless you're a Colombian drug lord, you're never going to own one. Okay? Instead, today we're going to talk about the animals you'll actually encounter, the ones that will infest your house. Animals like the fruit fly. This is a mild infestation. As far as insects go, fruit flies are pretty chill. They're like most Brooklyn hipsters. Very picky eaters and they have zero upper body strength. Also, they do it doggy style. Who knew? Anyway, getting

rid of them is pretty straightforward. To stop leaving piles of rotting fruit lying around. Duh, a worse infestation is bed bugs. Much like Army Hamer, they feed on human blood. Getting their of bed bugs is almost impossible. So if you get them, the best solution is to just leave. Walk out of the door, start a new life, like Miley Cyrus. People think th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. Getting thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. Getting thi thi thi th. Getting th. Getting thi thi thi th. Getting the the the the the thi thi th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting th. Getting thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. the the the best solution is to just leave. Walk out of the door, start a new life. Like, Miley Cyrus. People think Hannah Montana was a character, but it was just who she was until she got bed bugs. Next up, lady bugs.

Or as scientists call them, women bugs. This is maybe the best infestation you can have. They don't really do anything, and for bugs, they look pretty. T their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their, their, their, their. their. their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. their. thi. thi. thi. to. to. to. toeea. toean. toean. toean. toean. toean. toean. toean. toean. toe. to. pretty. They're like beetles, they just got their nails done. But enough about insects. Let's move on to mammals. Specifically, mice, the freeloader rodents. And to be clear, not all rodents are freeloaders.

Just look at squirrels. They're like small business owners, hustling, out there, renting storage lockers for their nuts. But mice just want to to to to to to to to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to come to to to to to to to storage lockers for their nuts. But mice just want your food. Now mice like to come into your home because it's nice and cozy. That's why the best way to deter them is to make your home cold and inhospitable, like a Scandinavians. If you do have mice, you'll know because they take these little shits in your house that look exactly like chocolate tic tags, but they are not chocolate tic ta ta taax.. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. Ifains. Ifiiiiants. Ifiants. If that's. If that's. If that's. If that's. If that's. If that's. If that's. If that's, if you thiants. If thiants, if you thiants, if thiants, if thiants, if thiants, if thiants, if thiants, if thi-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n't, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thiiiiiiiiiii. thiiiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi like chocolate tic tags, but they are not chocolate tic tacks. That's a lesson I learned many, many times. Finally, the king of pests, raccoons.

Racoons evolved millions of years ago when a bear f-fucked a monkey. Of course I'm just kidding. Science doesn't actually know where they came from. Mostly they just go through a garbage looking for food and anything they can sell on eBay. They're how nature recycles. You have to be careful around raccoons. They're one of the primary carriers of rabies, a virus that makes animals act like them from New Jersey. If you see a raccoon foaming at the mouth, do not go near it with a cowzone. It will fight you for it. So, yeah, those are all the animals you

actually need to know about. I hope you found this educational. Now if you're excuse me, I'm going to enjoy some of these chocolate tic-tacks I just found. Oh, damn it. Okay well I'll see you guys next week. Hmm, maybe this one? No, no, no, maybe this one? Nope. No, no, no. That was poo too. All right, everybody, it's time for gym class. It's also time for sex ed, which is taught by gym teachers for some reason.

Let's get right into it, shall we? Sex. Sex. These days, the internet is going to give you the wrong idea about sex. That it's fun. Well, it's not. When you're single, getting lucky isn't having sex. It's getting a clean blood test six weeks later. And when you're married, it's not much better. She's more interested in her Hitacchie

personal massager from Brookstone and you're so desensitized by porn that you can't get things going unless you imagine she's a mermaid but with legs. Hey, let's get 20 Jumpy Jacks going, hit me. Now, if you're into feet, that's kind of cool, because you can just go to the beach. Grandpa Liu, thu. too the beach. Grandpa Liu, I'm nine years old, and one day, I day I'm will be president of the United States. Well first off don't call me grandpa kid. Secondly, no you're not.

You'll have to wait until you're 35 and this country's not going to be around that long. But if you like throwing your weight around and holding the fate of people in the palm of your hand, why not enter the exciting field of reality show judges? There's voting. People respect your opinion even though you have no clue what you're talking about. And the best part is you'll never have to eat a corn dog in Iowa. So be that instead. I command it.

Grandpa Lou, I love animals. I have a dog and a cat now. And my dream job when I grew up is to help them by becoming a veterinarian. Again, it's not Grandpa Lou. It's guidance counselor Lou. And unfortunately, vet school can cost over 300 grand and will take you decades to pay off because people love their pets, but they love their money more. I'm not taking out a second mortgage to fix muffins thyroid. Lucky for you, it's a cheaper way to work with animals without all the hassle. The Russian circus, an unregulated paradise of animal performers. You'll get to treat all kinds of furry friends, from endangered species sold on the black

market to a panda that you're pretty sure is actually just a dog, baby black and white. And you don't only got to care for bears, you'll get to wrestle them. What a treat, huh? I'm gonna sign you up. Grandpa Liu, I'm Kylie, and when I grew up I want to be an astronaut. That's a great career choice. I mean, to be an astronaut, you have to be an expert in math and science. And if you're trapped in the American educational system, you've got no chance at that. So I suggest you try for another job that will let you to let you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the te. I try try try try try try try the try the try the the try toe.a. I toe. I to me to to to to the American educational system you've got no chance at that! So I suggest you try for another job that will let you enjoy the majesty of space and usher at a planetarium. You get to experience distant worlds to do that instead.

All right. Last kid, I am getting sick of the shit. Mr. Black, I'm Olivia, and I want to become a mid-level account representative for a marketing company. Now, that's a career choice. You don't need any advice for me, Olivia. You get what life's all about. Set a realistic goal, achieve it, and spend your weekends drinking margaritas and chilies. All right. Well, that's enough correcting kids' hopeless dreams. Until next time.

Goodbye from Grandpa Loo. Oh, I mean, Guidance Council, Lute. Damn it! Now they've got me doing it. What is the fastest land mammal? A, horse. B, Cheetah. C. C. Congressman leaving a motel at 4 a.m. D. Gazelle. The answer after the break. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast.

And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruituder's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiter's powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it. And you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address.

Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the the the their, ruiter, the smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. Really? But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS of of of of of of of of of the the CBS the the the the the the thiase. C. C. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. Se. Se. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. the. the. the. the. the. the. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. to. tr. tr. tr. tr. tr. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. Like none of this stuff gets looked at, that's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.

What is the fastest land mammal? The answer is C. While cheetahs can reach 75 miles an hour, a properly intoxicated congressman can drive from a crime scene at twice that speed. Hey kids, today we're going to learn about commerce. And we're going to do it with some help from my friend, Smuggly. Smuggly, I want to buy an action figure collectible from the new Robo dinosaur movie. I'm not sure if I have enough money. If action figure collectible from the new Robo Dinosaur movie. I'm not sure if I have enough money. If I have four quarters and ten dimes, can you tell me how much that's worth?

Uh, yeah, you got scrap metal. Uh, no, it's... It's money. That's called Fiat money. The future is crypto. You got to get into Bitcoin. Bitcoin. Isn't that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th you that th you th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the money you use to buy synthetic marijuana from the Philippines? No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, yes, but not just that. You can buy all kinds of things with Bitcoin. Like a robo-dinosaur collectible? Uh, sure, you can buy any dumb toy you want. Well, techno. It's not a toy, it's a collectible. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. an open ledger, stored online in what's called the blockchain. Ooh, blockchain! Like Legos? Legos? Jesus Christ.

Similar to Legos. Okay, let me start at the beginning. Give me a dollar. Okay, now, what? that. thooo? thi. tooo. One dollar. Mm-hmm. And which is worth wiping my puppet ass with. What?

Oh, smuggly, that's my dollar. Yeah, relax, man. Every dollar bill's been in someone's ass. The point is, it comes from a central bank which can just print them out of thin air. That's called inflation. And that's why, 30 years ago, a bottle of Lambruscoe only cost $5, and now I'm paying, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's thi, thiiiiiiii, thiiiiiii.eee robbery. So how does Bitcoin fix all this? Well, it's hard capped at 21 million Bitcoin, so there's no inflation. And the only way to find those 21 million is through mining.

Mining? So bit coins come from the ground. No, not that kind of mining. Jesus, this is why I didn't want to work on a kid's show. But oh, a puppet can't the puppet can't the puppet can't the puppet can't thap pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu pu this this this this th. This th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. This is th. T th. T th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that's that work a trading desk at Goldman. That's discrimination. Should you really be mixing pills and wine like that? That's how Prince died. Okay, all you need to know is that you and all the other kids out there, better make the leaf to Bitcoin as soon as you can. Kids, I'm 41. 41. And you're trying to buy a toy dinosaur?

Sweet baby James. I thought you just had like a hormone imbalance or something. Let me be clear it's a collectible. Look, if I want to buy one of these bitcoins, how much does it cost? Well, that depends on the market rate and what someone will take for it. Right now, they're worth a lot. More than a toy dinosaur? A toy dinosaur. Buddy, for one Bitcoin, I could pay Barney to watch me baby bop his wife. Sounds like I better get a Bitcoin.

It's the money of the future. Unless the power or internet access goes out, and the risk of being decentralized means if someone gets control of 51% of the blockchain, they mail to the ledger. And of course, the deflation def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def def deflation the the the the the deflation the deflation to to to to the deflation to the deflation to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to to to to to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe too too., toe toy., toy., toy. toy toy toe toe toe too too too too., too., too. too. to, because why would anyone use Bitcoin to buy things if it keeps getting more valuable? Hey, you may not be able to print new bitcoins, but anyone can make new crypto so Bitcoin could be made obsolete through competition, or the government could just decide to ban them. Anyway, that's just a couple thoughts on the top of my head.

Yeah, those are, uh, those are good points. That's why the safest thing to do is to diversify and to put your money into other things. Like what? Well, while you were talking, I bought this collectible dinosaur. Okay, well that's what I wanted to buy. Yeah, exactly. There's clearly a demand. And that's what makes it valuable in the market. Why don't you let me that me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that rest of the man children. That's a dick move.

That's commerce for you kids! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. Helpful phrases, Mandarin. told me. I'm a true toe toe theiransomoombsi and learn their today's their today. Hello, I'm an American looking to enter the country as an economic refugee. My skills include Microsoft Office and knowing learn how the government works. Now most civics classes will teach you about the president and Supreme Court and Congress, and blah, blah, blah.

But you don't need to know any of that. Hell, the biggest thing Congress does for you is flood your inbox. Every 15 minutes, the future of the world depends on me sending 10 bucks to some dumbass in Rhode Island. I'm gonna tell you about the parts of the government you'll meet in real life. Let's start with the TSA. That's the part of the government in charge of feeling you up and confiscating your little shampoo bottles filled with Hennessy. Here's a tip kids. Always drink your booze before you get on the flight. And do you know how the TSA gets away with harassing us like this? It's because the men are so damn fine.

Next we've got the IRS. You know how the mafia collects protection money? This is sort of like the same thing. You see, whatever you make, the government wants a taste. And the IRS are the guys who come to get it. But don't worry, the government will use that money for important things like drones and studies to see if they can grow corn on the sun. Next, the FBI. Unless you're mobbed up, you're probably not going to hear much from these guys. They're busy working on a backlog of cases from

people who copy the VHS tape in 1987. Because if there's one thing the feds hate more than Al-Qaeda, it's bootlegs of dirty dancing. There's also the CIA. They're the ones selling drugs in your community. Let's move on to the judiciary, or as I call it, court shit. No matter who you are, you're going to be in a lifelong battle against the justice system. For some of you, it'll be avoiding jail. For most of you, it'll be avoiding jury duty. Court is also where you go to get married, and where you go back to to get divorced, and

where you defend yourself against grand theft auto charges because he said the Ford of floor was his, but you were the one making the payments. And speaking of cars, let's move on to the DMV. That's where you go to renew your license. You'll wait in a long-ass line next to all the weirdest people who live in your county. In fact, I'm in a DMV line right now. After this, I'm headed over to the State Department, because that's where you get your passport. The document that has the smallest, worst picture you've ever taken.

Oh, don't worry. You only have to look at it for 10 years. What else? Oh, the Department of Education. They're in charge of teaching you the basics, like where to hide during a school shooting. Other than that, they don't teach you shit, which is why I'm here teaching you on my day off. They could have more funding, but America needs that money for the Defense Department. They're the ones out there enforcing the American Empire so you can maintain your way of life. Oh, y'all didn't think I was going to get real, did you? Hmm. If you're a male over the age of 18, the military will make you register for the draft.

But not if you're a woman, and that's fine with me. I'm the kind of feminist that wants to be a CEO, not a gunnery sergeant. And that's basically most of government you interact with. There's other agencies. You got the EPA, FEMA, the Deep State, but we'll get to them another time. Right now, I gotta go get my license. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Well, that is our special. Thank you so much for watching. I hope we all learned something. I know I learned much too late that none of this is tax deductible.

Unbelievable. Anyway, join us next time when we learn about green energy subsidies from the Cayman Islands. Class dismissed. The Daily Show with Trevnoa, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a Second Look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.