The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Showography of Lindsey Graham

Episode Date: August 20, 2021

The Daily Show chronicles the life of Senator Lindsey Graham, a lifelong bachelor whose insatiable lust for power fueled a hot and heavy political career. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Some people marry for love, some people marry for stability, and some people never marry at all. Well, I'm the first bachelor run for president and like forever. You know, I'm not married. The last time I checked there was nothing in the Constitution or the White House said single people need not apply. Yes, how could a person marry when he's hopelessly devoted to the greatest love of his life? Political Power. This is the daily showography of Lindsay Graham, married to the game.

Lindsay Olin Graham grew up in the tiny town of Central South Carolina. His parents owned a restaurant that was also a pool hall, that was also a bar and a liquor store that was also the home they lived in. It could basically be whatever people wanted it to be, the perfect environment for raising a politician. At the age of nine, Lindsay started working at the family bar, one of his jobs, taking phone calls from concerned wives looking for their drunk husbands. It taught him a valuable lesson that it's okay to lie if you're protecting the interests of powerful men. Young Lindsay also saw firsthand the ugly reality of segregation in the South,

in that his parents bar participated in it. When I was a kid, African Americans would come in and buy the beer to go. I remember asking my parents why was that? And they said, that's just the way it is. That was another lesson. When you see injustice anywhere at any time, you can just say whatever and move along. Then in his teenage years, like most boys his age, Lindsay developed strange new urges. An uncontrollable lust for political power. Classmates remember him saying, I want to be governor, and also, let me out of this locker. After becoming the first in his family to graduate college, Graham joined the Armed Forces,

where he would serve six and a half years in the Air Force, as a lawyer. In a lot of ways, Graham charted a path similar to American icon Tom Cruise. Bartender, lawyer, member of the Air Force, but as a lawyer, an o'l with the grace and style of a southern vampire. And of course, he's secretly very short. During his time in the Air Force, Graham fell into a love affair with a Lufthansa flight attendant named Sylvia, but sadly, it was not to be. That was probably the best time in my life, but, you know, at the end of the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their the air their the air force. their tooompera, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the......... the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the..e. the the. the the. the the. the the. the the. tau. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theansa flight attendant named Sylvia. But sadly, it was not to be. That was probably the best time in my life,

but you know, at the end of the day, everybody's got a story. A lot of people have had it worse than I have, but check it out at Lindsay Graham.com. It's true what they say about heartbreak. You can check it out at Lindsay Graham.com. And although breakups are never easy, it gave Graham the opportunity to rekindle his passion with an old flame, ambition.

In 1994, Graham was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives, and like most relationships, his early years with Congress were absolutely consumed with sex. Specifically, the sex life of Bill Clinton. I'm having to judge Bill Clinton based on evidence, and much of it is about sex. The definition of sex colored by sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sexual. Sex, sex, sexual. Sex, sex, sex, this is not all about sex, oral sex. Lindsay Graham was horny for justice. No adulterous president was going to lie and abuse their power on his watch, at least for another few years. The fledgling Graham

made a name for himself prosecuting the impeachment of President Clinton. And after eight hot and heavy years in the house, he was finally ready to settle down for a long-term commitment with the U.S. Senate. And no wedding would be complete without the best man. Graham and Senator John McCain were the best of friends, united by their shared love of fiscal conservatism, straight talk, and a desire to bomb the Middle East back to the Stone Age. I believe those who are calling for withdrawal have the obligation

to tell us what we do in the region when it descends into chaos, as my friend Lindsey Graham just said. Well, I think Senator McCain nailed it. Oh, they went searching for WMDs, but they found their BFF. With Iraq solved permanently, Graham and his political spouse were finally ready to co-assend to the most powerful office in the land. But when they were foiled by an even more radical Hussein, Graham became despondent.

He knew that he would treat power so much better than that Cadd Obama. So he made his move. I'm Lindsay Graham and I'm running for president of the United States. Yes, Lindsay Graham was single and ready to mingle. With voters, he turned the White House into his bachelor pad. First thing I'm a good president. We're gonna drink more. And the media was fascinated with his roguish lifestyle. So it's date, marry, or make disappear forever. Hillary Clinton, Carly or Sarah Perry. Who are you marrying? Carly because she's rich.

Hell yeah, Playa, secure that bag. Graham's goal was in sight. His marriage to the game was thriving. But if there's one man who knows how to ruin a marriage, it's Donald Trump. This guy, Lindsay Graham, you have a guy, he's one of the dumbest human beings I've ever seen. The guy is a nut job. I could could th th dimble. Boom. He called me four years ago, three, four years ago. And he gave me his number. And I found the card. I wrote the number down. I don't know if it's the right number. Let's try it. Two, two, give out factual information.

Graham's presidential hopes were demolished. Watching his beloved walk away with a much richer, more famous man, he had only one option left, to warn the nation about the dysfunctional relationship it was about to get itself into. He's a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot. Donald Trump is a political car wreck. He's a jackass. He xenophobic, religious bigot. Donald Trump is a political car rep. He's a jackass. You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to hell.

I think he's a cook. I think he's crazy. I think he's unfit for office. Yes, Graham saw that Donald Trump was as unfit for office as he was for a book club, a dance off, an obstacle course, an obstacle, and an obstacle, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, and an obstacle course, th, th, th, and a th, and a th, and a th, and a dance-off, an obstacle course, tennis shorts, or literally anything he did in his life. Graham did everything he could to stop the wedding between Donald Trump and America. But if he couldn't ultimately succeed, then goddamn't he would give up harder than

anyone had ever given up before. President Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize and then some. What concerns me about the American press is this endless, endless attempt to label the guy as some kind of cuck, not fit to be president. No, I don't think he's as anaphobic race-bading religious-speaking. I really, really like the president, and he's been a great commander-in-chief. I am all in.

Keep it up, Donald. I'm sure you're watching. If you don't like me working with President Trump to make the world a better place, I don't give a shit. Graham's political instincts had kicked in. If staying in the game meant joining a grifter personality call, well, that was just another thing he'd have in common with Tom Cruz. Why did Lindsay Graham a line himself so tightly with Donald Trump? Because he's Graham. That's what he does. I know how the game's played, and I don't give a damn. Yes, Graham wasn't off the Trump train.

It was more like one of those tourist buses that you can get off and then get back on whenever it's convenient for you. Which is why the one thing we know is that doing the most politically expedient thing to serve himself. Always, married to the game. Life is what it is. You know, I can't answer all the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts.