The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Showography of Rudy Giuliani: Oozing Greatness

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

How did Rudy Giuliani go from son of a small-time criminal to “America’s Mayor” to the best – and possibly last – friend Donald Trump ever had? That’s the question answered in this next installment of The Daily Show’s biographical film series, “The Daily Showography of Rudy Giuliani: Oozing Greatness.”See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. What makes a great leader? Is it courage, compassion, charisma? Or is it an integrity and confidence that just leaks out of their pores? A calming strength that drips from every orifice, and the way they give their blood, sweat, and other bodily fluids to make the world a better place. Since the 2016 election, Rudy Giuliani has been a national leader, spreading his patriotic

message at political rally. Let's have trial by combat. Landscaping company parking lots and arenas across this great nation. America! But how did he become the man, and or man-like creature he is today? This is the daily showography of Rudy Giuliani, oozing greatness.

Rudolph William Louis Giuliani was born in 1944 in East Flatbush, New York. His father was an alleged mob enforcer who did time at Sing Sing for armed robbery. He would tell me, never take anybody else's money, make sure you always pay for things. I mean, he wanted to make sure that I didn't make the same mistakes that he believed he had made. It was an inspiring message from a father. Come up with your own original crimes. And he would. To keep Rudy away from New York City's criminal element, the family moved to the suburbs. I can remember as a youngster that my father would sometimes threaten me with putting me

in public school if my behavior didn't improve, and that was a very frightening thought. But I was a product of Catholic education. And it instilled in me from a very early age of desire to be a priest. That's right, Giuliani almost became a man of the cloth, instead of a man of sweaty handkerchiefs. Ultimately, he chose not to pursue the priesthood, deciding instead to marry his childhood sweetheart, who also happened to be his second cousin. And while today that may be seen as weird,

back then, it was seen as super gross. After graduating law school, Giuliani began his meteoric career. Quickly rising to the third highest position at President Reagan's Justice Department. He was the youngest person ever to hold the job, but he was already sporting the combover of a man twice his age. Soon, Rudy was U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York. Rudy wasn't afraid to take on criminals, or to give lots of press conferences about how he took on criminals. Well, I think five or six or seven years ago, nobody would believe it was possible to convict

the head of the Sicilian Mafia and have him sitting in the Metropolitan Correction Center. He loved the camera, and the camera just wanted to be friends. But soon, taking credit for arrest wasn't enough. He had to pretend to make the arrests himself. I bought Crack. I had a female DEA agent. It was, like, theoretically, my date. And we went up and we purchased Crack in Washington Heights. Now that's what I call going undercover. Tell me you don't think he smoked crack before picking out that outfit. With his crime-fighting

career burning hotter than totally normal lust between second cousins, Rudy set his sights on elected office. He first ran for Mayor of New York in 1989, but he didn't quite have the name recognition he needed to win. I would like to commend the Republican candidate, Rudolph Gielani, Rudy. Sorry about that. Wow, tough break for Rudy Geophili. Four years later, Rudy tried again,

and this time he had the perfect foil to rally his voters against. New York's first black mayor. Denouncing David Dinkins is soft on crime, Giuliani led off-duty police officers and a peaceful protest to... But then, minutes later, thousands of cops stormed through the barricades and ran on top of cars as they charged the stairs of City Hall. Okay, it was a peaceful-ish protest.

At least typing up a crowd to storm a government building would be good practice for him. So through sheer charisma and just a little hint of police intimidation, he finally became Mayor Giovanni. Sorry, Giuliani. Over the next decade, Giuliani took New York City from a gutter toilet of violence and sex and piss and turned it into a clean, safe utopia with ample magazine jobs that allowed young women to live in giant apartments with walk-in closets and so many shoes. Under Giuliani, the New York Police Department pioneered some of the most iconic anti-crime tactics of the era, like stop and frisk, broken windows policing, sexual assault with a broom handle,

and shooting an innocent guy so many times, Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about it. And Giuliani didn't just go after criminals. He went after all poor people in the most hilarious ways. Look at you, lying there like that. Don't you have any dignity? Lying on your butt all day, collecting welfare? Yeah, I think he was still buying crack.

Giuliani was bringing glamour back to New York City, and if he was making a few enemies, he was also making some good friends. You know, you're really beautiful.. Oh you dirty boy! Oh! Finally, Rudy found a disguise that managed to fool someone dumber than a crack dealer. By now, Giuliani was ready to shake things up. He dumped his second wife at a press conference without telling her first. In many ways we've grown to live independent and separate lives. Leaving her to respond with her own statement about how he was a cheating hoe. For several years, it was difficult to participate in Rudy's public life because of his relationship with one staff member.

Rudy moved out of the mayor's mansion and crashed with some friends, a gay couple and their pet shitsu while running a losing Senate race against Hillary Clinton. Honestly, his life was a lot simpler when he was just banging his cousin. And then, just as his term was coming to an end, Rudy Giuliani found himself right where he needed to be. Tomorrow, New York is going to be here, and we're going to rebuild, and we're going to be stronger than we were before. 9-11 gave Rudy his big promotion to America's mayor. America!

And that's when the party started. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mayor of New York City, the honorable Rudolph Giuliani. Yes, no one rose to greater prominence after 9-11 than Rudy Giuliani, except maybe Bin Laden. By 2008, Giuliani was finally confident enough to admit he was bald and to make a play for the highest office in the land. Rudy is in.

America's mayor now wants to be America's president. Anyway, he came in six in Iowa and was out of the race by February. By the time the 2016 election year came around, Julianne had realized he didn't need to be president. He could just the win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win win. the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that that. that. that. that. that. that. that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the the the the the the the the the th. He th. He th. He th. He was. He was. He was th. He was th. He was. He was the. He. He was. I. He. I. I t. Hea. I. He. He. He was. I. He was. He was. He was. I. He was. He was. He was't need to be president. He could just be friends with one. It was a win-win friendship. Trump gave Rudy the power he was longing for and Rudy made Trump look attractive by comparison. As Trump's BFF, Rudy was really going places, even if he didn't always seem to know where he was.

From the top to the bottom, from the middle to the side. The next four years were a whirlwind of campaigning, lawyering, cheerleading, extorting, treasoning, and insurrectioning. By the time it was over, Giuliani lost his law license, several gallons of hair, a variety of electronic devices seized by the FBI, and most of all, his dignity. Hi, it's Rudy Giuliani and I'm on cameo. In a pay for play scheme. Hey, Giuliani, fuck you. But Rudy is still easing on, enjoying life to the fullest,

maybe even too much. I don't think I've ever done an interview drunk. I have sometimes. I mean, I drink normally. I like scotch. So you do not believe it. I know. I to to to to to believe it. I to to to to believe it. I tha. I tha. I tha. I tha. I'm tha. I'm tha. I'm the. I'm the. I'm the. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm thii. I'm the the thioliolioliolite the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm too. I'm tooenea. tooea. tiea.a.a. tiea.a.a.a.a.a. tooea. tooe. tooe. I drink scotch. So you do not believe that you have a drinking problem? I know, I don't believe it, I know I'm not. I know Prince Andrew is very questionable now. I never went out with him.

Ever. Never had a drink with him, ever, ever. Never was with a woman or a young girl with him. Ever. One time, I met him in my office and one time when when when when when when when when when when when when when when when when when when when when when we we had the party when we had the party when we had the party when we had the party the party the party the party the party the party the party the party the party the the the the to have had had to have had to have had had had to have had to have had to have to be to bea, to bea, never had to be never had to be never had to be, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, th. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe toe toe toe toe toe toe. toe. time when we had the party, right, Bernie? You were there. Yes, whether he's standing tall through 9-11 or a blood alcohol level of 9-11, Rudy Giuliani is a born leader, making his mark wherever he goes, one that no stay in remorse can ever take away. Watch the Daily Show, Week nights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

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