The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Showography of Ted Cruz

Episode Date: June 3, 2021

The Daily Show chronicles the life of Sen. Ted Cruz, from his early days as a breast-obsessed youth to his status as a man who is universally unlikable, in this clip from May 4, 2021. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You're rolling. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. March 4th, 2016. Let's cut waste fraud and abuse. It's easy to say it.

Establishment Republican candidates were making their last stand against Donald Trump. And Senator Ted Cruz of Texas had a gross booger hanging on his lip. And then he aided, as if none of us could see. This is Ted Cruz, the bougar on the lip of democracy. Raphael Edward Cruz was born in Canada to an American woman and a former Cuban revolutionary. When Ted was four, the cruises relocated to Texas. Houston, we have a problem. Where his youthful ambition was the same as any higher order lizard, sex and domination. Well, my aspiration is to, uh, oh, I don't know, being a tint-tit film like that guy who played Horatio.

You know, he was in Malba, bikini beach shop? Well, other than that, uh, take over the world, world domination. Yes, young Ted Cruz was obsessed with boobs and power. Two things he would struggle to get his hands on for the rest of his life. From there, it was on to Princeton University, where he befriended Craig Mazin, who as a creator of the HBO series Chernobyl is familiar with toxic disasters.

Ted Cruz was my roommate. I did not like him at all in college. I want to be clear, because I, you know, Ted Cruz is a nightmare of tha the of of of with his politics, but truthly, his personality is so awful that 99% of why I hate him is just his personality. Awful, awful, awful person. He's awful. Ted Cruz was so awful, this professional screenwriter could think of no other word to describe him.

That's impressive. After graduating from Harvard Law School, Ted finally found someone who didn't hate him, which left him no choice but to marry her. We got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. And I said, if you don't buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup, we'll, you know, you, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t... t. t. t. the t. t. t. t. today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, t't buy a hundred of anything much less canned soup, well, you know, we're we can't do this. I'll be making things and he said, no, I know you, you won't be making things.

And then, because there was no room for both soup and a wife, Ted and Heidi lived apart for seven years. Cruz used that time to rise through the legal ranks, arguing eight cases before the the the the theeee. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the. the. the the the. the. the the. the the the the. the, the the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, we'll the, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we the, we th. th. We th. We th. We th. We th. We, we th. We, we th. We, we th. We, we the, we the, we can can can can can can can can can cane, we cane, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll, we're, we're the, we're te, we're, we're, we're, we're, we're, toge. te. today, te. today, today, te. te. where he championed the rights of mentally ill prisoners to be executed by the state. But his most famous case was a passionate defense of one unusual Texas law. Cruz, as Texas Solicitor General once defended a ban on the sale of sex toys. That's right, in a show of selfless devotion to the law, Ted Cruz defended a ban on sex toys, even though he himself is a complete dildo. In 2012, Cruz burst onto the national stage as a Senate candidate and darling at the Tea Party.

Once elected, he put his mark on the Senate by filibustering Obamacare while showing off his first grade reading ability. Do you like, green eggs and ham? I do not like them, Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham. What a treat to hear Dr. Seuss read by a Dr. Seuss character. To achieve his dreams of world domination, Ted knew he would need to leave an impression,

and he left impressions everywhere. Hmm, there is no try. Do or do not. The force is strong with this one. Nonstop. Hidily ho, neighbor. Just a never-ending parade of barely recognizable voices. Liar!

Shut up, witch. I'm not a witch of your wife. Even though he couldn't really do any of them. In the immortal words of William Wallace, freedom! With charisma like that, there was only one thing for Cruz to do. I am announcing that I'm running for president of the United States. I was hyped, it was like in the back bag, took a mic, no rights, had them right tracks. Soon, Ted was cruising took a mic no rights had them right tracks soon Ted was cruising toward victory he had key endorsements I've looked at the candidates Ted Cruz

is my man a supportive family not a day goes by that my mom is not lifting me up in prayer that thrown for hours at a time and fresh ideas of course Texas, we cook bacon a little differently than most folks. Mmm. Mmm. A machine gun bacon. Mmm. Hmm. A machine gun.

Mmm. A machine gun. Mmm. Any hunter can track and shoot an animal. But it takes a true outdoorsman to use a gun on meat he already bought at the store. That's just how unlikable Ted Cruz is. He actually found a way to turn people off of bacon.

But despite having the meticulous planning skills and foresight, that's just coincidentally the whole mark of a serial killer, Ted Cruz failed to anticipate Donald Trump. Ted Cruz, he's a absolute disgusting liar. He is like a little baby. Soft, weak little baby. This guy's a liar. Lying Ted Cruz, lying Ted. Lies. Oh, he lies.

Donald Trump called his wife ugly and said his father was implicated in the conspiracy to kill JFK. At first, Ted took the high road, swallowing his pride and a few boogers along the way. But finally, he had had enough. Cruz got on stage at the RNC, and he did not endorse Donald Trump. Vote your conscience. That pledge was not a blanket commitment that if you go and slander and attack Heidi,

that I'm going to nonetheless come like a servile puppy dog and say thank you very much for maligning my wife and maligning my father. The gauntlet had been thrown. No longer would Ted Cruz cater to Donald Trump's every win. He drew a line in the sand and, oh, hold on, I'm getting a call. Hi, this is Ted Cruz's call. I was calling to encourage you to come out and vote on election. Oh, Ted. With nothing left to do, Cruz headed back to the Senate, where he reclaimed his position as the most hated guy in the office. If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate and the trial was in the Senate, nobody

could convict you. I probably like Ted Cruz more than most of my colleagues like Ted Cruz, and I hate Ted Cruz. He's just a toxic co-worker. He's the guy that microwaves fish. There is nothing more dangerous than a reckless asshole who thinks he's smarter than everyone else. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ted Cruz. I'm beginning to understand why Ted Cruz has been hated by everyone, every place he's ever been from kindergarten to the United States Senate. I am not endorsing Ted Cruz. I hate Ted Cruz. And I think I'll take cyanunite if you ever got the nomination.

God damn. Even people who don't know if mass shootings are bad, thinks Ted Cruz fucking sucks. Chasen by this reception, Ted got to work rehabilitating his image. He began doing relatable stuff, like accidentally posting milf porn on the anniversary of 9-11, and encouraging an insurrection against the government. We will not go quietly into the nation. Look, Ted Cruz's objection to the Arizona. This is objection, he was going to sell us out all along.

Look, objection to counting electoral votes on the state of Arizona. Wait, no, that's okay. All right, all right. All right. He's with us. He's with us. Oh no. Ted Cruz is so hateable that for a moment, even his biggest fans hated him by accident.

But once the dust settled and the Maga Mob reluctantly decided not to murder him, Ted and his family headed back home to Texas to let things cool down in Washington. Unfortunately, things cooled down even more in Texas. As Texans wait for a thaw and power to their homes, Senator Ted Cruz is facing backlash after an alleged fellow passenger tweeted out this photo, appearing to show Cruz on a flight to Cancun.

He first blamed the trip on his kids. That turned out to becun. He first blamed the trip on his kids. That turned out to be a lie. The 24-hour trip to Cancun radically shifted America's view of Ted Cruz from a giant unlikable asshole to... Actually it didn't shift the view of him at all. But these are just small bumps on the road to his ultimate goal, world domination. To Ted Cruz, the earth is a mere booger dancing on his lips. Tantalizing, mesmerizing, repulsive, waiting until the day he can swallow us whole and hope that no one saw it.

Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at.

That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17.