The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Daily Social Distancing Show - Good News from Italy, Canadian Border Closure & Coronavirus Tests

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

As the coronavirus grips the world, Trevor covers an Italian success story and the closing of the U.S.-Canada border, and Roy Wood Jr. discusses test access for A-listers. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. Trevor Noy here. Right now, we don't know when we're going to go back

to the studio. We don't know if we're going to go back to the studio. And I don't think any of you know any different. Coronavirus has changed everybody's lives and so what we've decided is to try and make the daily show from homes not just my home but everyone's home so the producers, the directors, the graphics producers, we're all just gonna chill at home and use the technology we have to try and make a show. So I know a lot of people have said, hey we still want to watch the daily show, we still want to be informed, we still want to catch up on the news without having to watch 24 hours of CNN and I don't blame you for that. So that's what we're going to be doing. So let's let's get into it. Today we're going to be chatting about infrastructural development in no. So we're going to be chatting about

coronavirus. We're going to be talking about the US border with Canada being shut down. We're going to talk about NBA players getting tested. We're going to chat about how people need to stop going to the ER because you're actually hurting everybody who needs it. So Let's get into that that that that that that, Social Distancing Show. No, Daily Social Distancing Show. That's it. The Daily Social Distancing Show. From Trevor's Couch in New York City to your couch somewhere in the world. This is the Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor No. Ears Edition. All right, yo, let's kick it off with the big news of the day.

The coronavirus has officially surpassed 200,000 confirmed cases worldwide, which is pretty insane. Because right now, that means Corona is just running around the world, like those penguins at the aquarium, just doing whatever it wants. It's actually funny when you think about it. Like, you know when you watch that video of the penguins? We always think that if humans were off the planet, then there would be no zoos,

but then when I watched that video, it made me realize animals would make zoos for other animals. Like the penguins would be like, and this is the polar bear. the polar bear, thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. thuuu. the thuins. the the the th. th. th. the per. th th th thus. We the per. We th---------------wea-wea-wea. We th. We the p-wea. We the p. We the p. We the p. We the p. We the p. We the p. We the p. We the p. We th. We th. We th. We th. We th. We th. We th. We are th. We are th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thooooooooooooooooooananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananan. We always. Anyway, I'm not telling you the news of Corona is surpassing 200,000 to make you sad, right? I'm just keeping you up to date with what's happening. We all got to be informed. Now, just because coronavirus cases are going up in the world, please, that shouldn't make you more sad,

because there is a lot of encouraging news coming out over the world. For instance, just today, just today there was a story that came out of Italy where a small town of about 3,000 people tested everyone in the town. And then they just kept track of everyone who had coronavirus and who was giving it to who, and they got the cases of coronavirus down to zero. So it shows you that's basically what we need to do, right? We need to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to te teck, to test test test test teck, te, te, te, te, te, te, te, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thr, thr. anda, thr. to, to, toooo, toooananananananananananananan, to, to.e, to.e, thoo. tho, thr. th do. We need to test as many people as possible. And I know if you live in New York, you're probably like, yeah, but Trevor, that town only had 3,000 people in it. That's how many roommates I have. But still, it shows that the key to stopping coronavirus.

What's scary about testing, though, is that the cases are going to go up, because the more people we test, we're going to discover more people have coronavirus, but at least we'll know how many people have coronavirus. You know? It's like today, we just found out that four Brooklyn nets players, NBA players, have coronavirus, including Kevin Durant. Yeah, so now the Nets have coronavirus. The Jets have coronavirus. It's going around to all of the NBA,teams, except the Knicks, because not even Corona

wants to be on the Knicks. Now, the White House keeps trying to reassure people that more tests are coming, but every time Trump tries to calm the nation down, I feel like he does the exact opposite. We are all in this together and we'll come through together. It's the invisible enemy, but we're going to defeat the invisible enemy. Your credibility ratings are very low. There's a recent NPR poll. Who are you asking of that question? I'm asking. Because I see that they're very high.

Why do you keep calling this the Chinese virus? Why do you keep using this? Because it comes from China? It's not racist at all. It comes from China. That's why. There are are are are are are are are are are are some some some some some some some some some some, at least one White House official who used the term Kung Flu, referring to the fact that this virus started in China.

My question is, do you think that that's wrong? Kung Flu. And do you think using the term Chinese virus that puts Asian Americans at risk that people might target that? No, not at all. I think they probably would agree with thagag know Trump is the only person who could hold a press conference about a pandemic and then turn it into a fight about racism? Who does that? Like, who does that? The guy comes out there like, let's stay calm folks, so calm, everybody.

And then five minutes later, he's like, Kung respect, ask any Asian. Nehau, conflux, thank you. Focus. This is where you need presidential. This is one of those moments where I wish, I wish Obama could come back. You know? I wish Barack Obama could come. Not as president. I'm not trying to mess with the Constitution. Just saying they should hire Obama to handle press briefings, you know?

Because whether you agree with his policies or not, you have to admit Barack Obama did his thing. He knew how to calm everybody down. You know, he'd just come out and be like, all right, everybody, this is what's going to happen. We're going to get the testing. All the kits are we're going to isolate the virus. We're going to beat this thing. We're going to isolate the virus and we're going to beat this thing. In the meantime, if you want something comforting to binge at home, a lot of people are watching TV, if you want to watch something, you can watch the first eight years of my presidency.

That's a rerun that never gets old. The best part th th th th th th th, th th th th th th, th th th th th th th th th th the th the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the's theate- the, theate-a' the-a' the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thu. Wea, the, the, we's, we'll, th. We's, th. We's, th. We's, th. We'll th. th. the. the. the. the. the. theanananneneu. teanananananananneuu. teanananananananananananananananneu. theananananann. theann. theann. We'll, the eight years of my presidency. That's a rerun that never gets old. The best part is in season two. When I go after bin Laden, spoiler alert, he doesn't make it. Actually, I feel like Obama takes so long to finish a sentence. It might make social distancing fly by. Like right now we're like, oh, we're going to be in here for months. If Obama speaks, we've got to we've got to be safe. And we're like wow it's August already. I guess we can't go outside now. Thanks Obama. Now Trump held another presser today where he said that America and Canada are closing

their border to non-essential travel. Yeah. And that actually made me kind of feel bad for Trump, because he's finally getting the border shut down he always wanted. It's just happening with the wrong country, which sucks for him. It's kind of like wishing for more vacation days, but then you get fired. You sort of get what you want, but it's not the same. And so from now on, only essential travel.

Only essential travel is allowed into Canada from the US. You know, stuff like government business, trade, and your boy's bachelor party in Montreal, but that's it. Nothing else. I'll see you there, Brandon. And like, you know, I just wonder if this is this this this this this this this this this this this this I just wonder if this is going to work. Because you know, you know Canadians are so polite. I bet if you showed up at the border, they still let you in and be like, oh gosh,

I'm really not supposed to, hey, Trevor, but I can't say no to new friends. Come on in, eh? I don't even know if that was a Canadian accent, to be honest. I don't even think I remember. I that that that that that that that tha tha thinininininininininininin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' is thin' is that' that' is that' is that' is that' is that' is they're they' is they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's their their their their their their their that is that that that that that that told. told. to to told. to told. to to told. to told the. theananan been around people for so long, I don't know what any accent sounds like. That could be Canadian. For all, I know, all the accents in my head are wrong. Maybe it's been that long. This Corona self-distancing.

It's gonna be like making up random accents that are incorrect. Yes, so sorry about that. Yes, welcome to Toronto. Yes, I'm Canadian. Yes, yes, oh, sorry, yeah, but, you want maple syrup. Oh, one other thing I want to mention. Doctors need our help right now. Yes, doctors need our help.

Because there are many stories coming out that a lot of young people, especially in New York, have been going to emergency rooms, looking for a corona test when they don't have serious symptoms and the hospitals are overwhelmed. They can't handle that. Like I know, I know that they've shut down the bars so maybe you think the ER is the hot and you hang out but it's not people. Yes, they have have have have have have have their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the down the bars, so maybe you think the ER is the hot new hangout, but it's not, people. Yes, they have alcohol, but it's rubbing alcohol. It's not the same thing. When you go to an ER, and it's not an emergency,

you're overloading the system. You're overloading the hospitals. You're taking care away by the way. This is what the CDC has told us to do. If you're feeling sick, stay at home, self-isolate for a few days, and you see if you get better. All right? Emergency rooms are like flights on Spirit Airlines. You should only go there as a last resort. Spirit Airlines, thanks to Corona, we're not the worst anymore. All right, I've been alone in this apartment for a few days. I could use some human conversation, so let's call up Roywood Jr. and see what he's up to with the magic of technology.

When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look. Starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Yo, Roy, what's going on? Yeah. Yo, how's it going over there, man? I missed your face, man. This is fun. I'm all right, man. I'm doing okay over here. My three-year-old flushed a full bar soap down the toilet, so for about 14 hours we didn't have nowhere to take a duck.

Like, you ever had to, pray you don't have to take a duck, because you know you can't, like, this is the worst time to need another bathroom. Wait, so, so your son flushed soap down the toilet? Not soap, don't say so, it's a bar of soap. A whole ass bar of soap, brand new, and it got clogged in the corner. So I went on Twitter asking questions. Yeah, so why didn't you just pull it out? Because it's down under there. You know, the toilet, the toilet goes down up and down. Oh yeah, yeah, it's that thing. Okay, yeah, that's the soap. So the soap was there. So I couldn't get. Right. So I had to hangar. I tried. Is that him? Yeah, man.

You know, dude. The only thing worse than coronavirus is having coronavirus shutdown and kids at the same time. I have never been happier to not have a child in my life. Just yells for no reason. Does he even understand what the shutdown is? Does he understand self-distancing? No, this is spring break. He keeps waking up. He goes school and I go no school. And he goes, yeah, no school. And then I make grilled cheese sandwiches all morning. Grilled cheese and apples every the morning. Man, I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry. I'm good. I'm great. I won't lie. Like I mean, I'm worried about people. I don't know where the world is going. I'll tell you, the biggest stress I have is that I don't know if I have corona or not,

because you don't show symptoms. So, I don't know if I have it, what if I already had it? And then like, maybe I don't have it anymore. And then like, I'm immune. Because I haven't, because I can't get tested. Like nobody, you can't get tested unless you like really show symptoms. So I don't know. So, yeah, that's the only frustrating thing for me. It's like a lot of famous people getting tested. That's what it seems like.

It seemed like what you need to do. You need to do what I'm going to do. I'm drawing the NDA. Time to get to get I already ordered a jersey and everything. It doesn't, I don't even know, what are you saying? If you want to get tested for Corona, join the NBA. NBA shows a symptom. They tested immediately. They tested all of the Utah Jazz, they tested all of the Oklahoma City Thunder when the first hit. Yeah, yeah, the Brooklyn Nets, I think, what, what, four players got tested all of the Oklahoma City Thunder when the first hit. Yeah, yeah, the Brooklyn Nets, I think what, what, four players got tested?

Yeah. Or the four players are confirmed. Yeah, they tested everybody. So if you want to get a test, but I'm looking on the TV, all our city's corona tests and people are there at six in the morning, the testing doesn't start to nine to to to to the mall an hour before it opened for Jordans. And people are there four hours, that's how dire this is. That's like the new, the way you just said it makes it sound like Corona testing is going to be the new swag.

Yeah, like, like rappers are going to be in their videos like, yeah, got their Corona tests. Yeah, with a 90, Bougaties and Corona tests. With a N95 mask on the picture. Got that Corona test. Y'all, well, Corona. Yeah. Wait, but now, but now, if you say celebrities get it, then, how come we haven't gotten the test? I think this is, if there's ever a time to confirm

whether or not you're an A-list celebrity. Wow. This is the time. Because if you look at the celebrities has got it, top shelf, Idris Elba. Tom. Yeah. The people that are bona fide stars.

If you're anything, like if you're doing Hallmark movies, you might not get a test. They might just not, I'm nervous. I'm gonna be honest. This is myself included. You might be good. Like, oh, man. I haven't gotten the test though. I'm not saying if we was both in line to get the corona test and the and the the the the the the the test though, so I mean... I'm not saying, if we were both in line to get the corona test, and the SWAT lady came down the line,

she'd be like, oh, Trevor Noah, come. And I'd be like, what about me? And she's like, no, Anthony Anderson, I don't watch black. That's what would happen. Oh, man. Oh, dude. I hope you're wrong. I hope you're wrong. I heard too many people are trying to get the test, so maybe that's a good thing.

I don't know. Or maybe they should say like every NBA player slash movie star that gets tested has to bring a friend to get tested with them. Maybe that's how we get the thing to everybody. I probably should wear, I got more baseball gear in my house than basketball, and I know that for sure I'd have enough to make three-fourths of a Chicago Cubs uniform. Like I have a hat, I have a glove, I have a jersey, I have cleats, I just need pants. Then who are you going to be in the team? When they say like, oh, you play for the Chicago Cubs,

who you are? Well, they probably won't believe I play baseball because I'm black. It ain't but eight of us left. So I probably gotta learn Spanish and trick them in and thinking I'm Dominican. I don't, look, I'm just hoping that, you know, we continue to remain along together. And that I don't get any symptoms. Is that? Hey, let me, man. What, is everything okay? I, this boy, man. I'm sorry.

What's going on? I'm sorry. Hey, stop eating the toilet tissue. This boy is eating toilet tissue. That's like eating money. That's actually worse to eat money. Hey, eat this $2020 bill don't do that. Roy are you... All right, I'll chat to you later. All right, cool. Thanks, Roy. I'll chat to you tomorrow if your kids not eating more toilet paper.

Oh, speaking of kids eating toilet paper. if your kids not eating more toilet paper. Oh, speaking of kids eating toilet paper, before we go, school in America specifically is where millions of kids get their lunch every single day. But with many schools closed down right now, these kids could use our help. So if you can help, please, if you can donate anything right now, I know it's hard, but if you can, please go to no kid hungry.org and give what you can. You can help children get a meal. It might be their only meal of the day. And if you want to help in New York City specifically, please go to City Harvest.org. In times like this, we all need to pull together and help out however we can't. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. tho, tho, tho, tho, thi. thi. thi. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the. the. the. the. theea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thoooooooooooooooooooooooooo. the In times like this, we all need to pull together and help out however we can

because it's going to be a ride and the only way we can make this journey a little more tolerable is if we travel on it together. Wow, that was deep. I just made that up. That was powerful. So yeah, that's the daily social distancing show for today. I'm Trevor Noah. Stay out there, stay safe. th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. thiist th. th. th. th. th. th. thi still thi still thi thi thi.ancing Show for today. I'm Trevor Noah. Stay out there, stay safe. Please distance yourself socially. But connect with each other digitally. And I'll catch up with everybody tomorrow. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily Show.com. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram and subscribe to the Daily Show

on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible.

I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17.