The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The DailyShowographies of Kamala Harris and JD Vance

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

Kamala Harris has led a full and shockingly normal life. From her birth in a year that makes her a very normal age to be president now, to a classic college job at McDonald's, to her time in the senate barely getting noticed for anything, Kamala is breaking with recent presidential tradition by being totally f**king normal. Plus, find out how JD Vance left his community of forgotten men and women behind for an Ivy League education and a career as a Silicon Valley venture capitalist, before leaving that behind for a career as a never-Trump literary success, and then leaving that behind to become Trump's running mate. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey this Roy Chang the Daily Show is off this week but don't worry we put together some of our favorite moments from the show in case you miss them. We'll be back with brand new shows on September 10th. Until then, enjoy today's

episode. Welcome to The Daily Show. Obviously, this week's convention is really all about introducing Kamala Harris to America. And as part of that introduction, the Democrats produced a special film to make the case for a Harris presidency. Now, luckily for us, we stole it. And we are going to show it to you now. America is a land of people.

People who were normal. And America used to have presidents who were normal. Sometimes they were good or not so. But they could always finish their sentences and not start civil wars. But after eight years of this, we finally beat Medicare. And this. Ah!

Yeah. And just generally feeling like we were trapped in a sadistic circus in the eighth circle of hell. It is time for America to return to normal. It's time for Kamala Harris. Just now, narrated by Jason Banner. the boxes for what Americans are looking for in a normal president. I'm Kamala Harris, wonderful president of the United States. We are a nation that was founded on noble ideals.

But where did this unicorn of a candidate come from? Kamala Harris was born in 1964 in Oakland, California, a year that puts her squarely in the normal age range of American presidents. She was the daughter of two academics, who met at school, a way that normal people meet their spouse as opposed to a party with sex ring billionaires. Her mother was from India, her father was from Jamaica, and that makes her both black and South Asian.

Normal people understand this. I don't know if she Indian or is she black. Again, normal people understand this. Kamala's parents wanted the best education for it. But, because they weren't absolutely loaded in a way that would make them believe they could live outside the laws of man and nature, young Kamala had to be bused to a desegregated school an hour away. It was an experience that always stayed with her, but not in a way that made her thirsty for revenge or obsessed with leaving a legacy that would outlast the universe. Just a normal, I'll put that into my autobiography kind of way.

Kamala was admitted to Howard University, where she made lifelong friends like any other well-adjusted person you can feel comfortable trusting with nuclear codes. And she made ends meet working at McDonald's. A typical job held by millions of people. And just to be clear, she was working the register, not starring in bizarre fever dreams with Grimmis. And stealing jobs from hard-working professional actors who honestly could have used the gig at the time. After college, Kamila went on the normal traject tra tra tra tra tr tr tra tra tra to to to to to to to to to toe, toe, toe, toe, their toe, their their their toe, their, toe, their, their, tra, true, their, too, too, too, took, took, took, too, to, their, their, their,. After college, Kamala went on the normal trajectory for a president.

Law school, San Francisco District Attorney, Attorney General of California. Yes, early on she had a boyfriend-helper get a job on the state unemployment insurance appeals board, but that's a very normal type of cronyism. And besides, it was an unemployment insurance appeals board. Do not act like you wanted that job. Grow up! Kamala wrote her success to the U.S. Senate where her time was mostly unmemorable, which is normal. Do you know what kind of freak you have to be to be a memorable senator?

She ain't gun-baked. Yeah. No, Kamala just did her job, including a famous grilling of Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Can you think of any laws that give the government the power to make decisions about the male body? I'm not a, I'm not a, thinking of any right now. It was a brilliant performance that didn't stop Brett Kavanaugh from overturning Roe v.

Wade, but a politician offering stirring rhetoric with disappointing results? Very normal, guys. After a respectable two years, Kamala decided to take the next step. I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for Presidentthe President of the United States. Yes. A run for President in 2020, a decision so normal that it was done by over 70% of the Democratic Party.

But despite showing voters or personal side by listening and reacting to music like a regular human as opposed to freezing in place or yanking off a pair of dicks and stuff Kamla didn't re-did, and she dropped out before voting even began. I'm not a billionaire. I can't fund my own campaign. It was a move that exhibited her remarkable skill to view reality and react rationally. Wouldn't that be great?

Reacting rationally to an electoral defeat, wouldn't it? But before she quit, Kamala did have one great moment. You know, there was a little girl in California and she was bused to school every day. And that little girl was me. It was a takedown of Biden's support of school segregation so brutal that he reintegrated the White House and made her vice president. They did it, Joe. Hamila Harris became the first black vice president, the first Asian vice president, and the first female vice president. And yes, maybe that isn't normal for America.

But did you know that in the other parts of the world, women are allowed to be leaders like all the time, so that's not on her. What are Kamla's actual policies? Just the vague ones you'd expect from a normal Democrat trying to get elected. Our fight is a fight for the future and it is a fight for freedom. Yeah, great, sounds good. But at least they're going to be normal policies. You won't have to learn about Project 2025 or great replacement theory or whether a president can serve out his turrwall in prison.

What the hell are we doing here, gang? I've been in episodes of Ozark less stressful than this. Of course, like any person, Kamala has her personality quirks, and her time as vice president, brought them all front and center. I love Venn diagrams. Do you know the three circles? Who does it love a yellow school bus? You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? Oh yeah, the coconut thing? Super kooky, right? So what? America has presidents with fun and energy all the time.

What about Abe? He wore the big hats. FDR. Stamps, Reagan, jelly beans, pounded fistfuls of them. And they were all presidents who didn't cause Americans to shit themselves every five minutes. And that is the promise of a Kamala Harris presidency, a president who will not fall in love with a North Korean dictator. Or have a family member whose dick picks end up on a congressional hearing, a president who won't clear up their COVID with hoty warmer and a spritz of chlorox and one that can stay up past eight, a president who will eventually leave office, a president who won't have to flee to a non-extradition country if she loses. In other words, Kamla Harris will be a normal president. Just a normal fucking president.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show, it's gonna be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday we're gonna be talking about. All the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that the same way that they'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday. We're gonna be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls.

What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're gonna be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. Let's talk about J.D. Vance. Democrats hate him and Republicans pretend not to. But who is he really? Let's find out in a brand new daily showography.

Middletown Ohio isn't much to look at. It's probably a few decades away from getting a Jamba juice. But this forgotten town full of forgotten men and forgotten women has given us a name to remember. J.D. Vaines. I came from Middletown, Ohio. I am proud of it, and I will never forget where I came from. But what he would forget is everything else.

I'm a never-Trump guy. I never liked him. The simple fact is, he's the best president of my lifetime. This is the daily showography of J.D. Bance. The forgetting man. You may have heard that J.D. doesn't think much of life in your Democrat-run cities. But to hear him tell it, growing up in the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to the the to the to to the the the to to the to to th to to to to to to to to true true, true, tru, tru- tru- tru- tru- tru- tru- tru- tru- tru tru tru tru tru tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr, tr true-in true-in true-in true-in-in-I true-I-I-I-I-I-s-I-s-s. I tru-s. I'm tru-s-I-I-woo-wo-wo-I-I-I-I'm tru-I tru. I tru. I think much of life in your Democrat-run cities. But to hear him tell it, growing up in small town Ohio and Kentucky wasn't so hot either. Our homes are a chaotic mess. At least one member of the family uses drugs.

Young JD was taken in by his mamma. She said, look, you're going to come and stay with me and if anybody has a problem with it, they can talk to my gun. And theyl came from a family that would shoot at you rather than argue with you. When we went through her things, we found 19 loaded handguns. Under her bed in her closet in the silver drawer. Oh, it's like if Tarantino directed an episode of the golden girl. girls. After high school, Jady left his mama's house for a place with slightly fewer guns, the U.S. military. He spent four years in the Marines' public affairs department, which

would eventually serve him well in politics, where his new boss has had many public affairs. Back home, J.D. lifted himself up by his bootstraps and government GI bill money to to attend Yale Law School, where he would meet his future wife. Nothing would keep them apart. I love her because she's who she is. Obviously she's not a white person, but I just, I love you, she. Marriage really is about compromise.

After overcoming the traumas of an Ivy League education, Jady sought honest work down in the valley, where remembering where he came from sometimes meant forgetting where he was. I didn't come from the elite. I didn't come from San Francisco. You were out in San Francisco now, right? That's right. Working for Peter Too? Yeah, I work one of the venture capital funds that he co-founded. And though Big Tech made him rich, it was the publishing world where he really made a name for himself. Jady turned his childhood pain into Hillbilly Elegy, a best-selling memoir and Hollywood film.

Asterle Vista, baby. Soon, those fancy aristocrats who drink sparkling water and wear pajamas. To this day, I find the very notion of pajamas and unnecessary elite indulgence. We're begging him to join their ranks. Should he run for office? I think that, you know, when people ask me if I wanted one for office, part of me wonder is like, do they think I just give off a used car salesman.

What? No, not at all. Soon enough, Jady was ready to be put to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be. to be. to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to. was ready to be put into a certified, pre-owned Ohio Senate seat. He had the perfect resume, blue-collar childhood, former Marine. Absolutely zero rumors that he had a tou-ked a couch. If only he hadn't said all those terrible things about his party's new god. I can't stomach Trump, I think that he's noxious and is leading the white working class to a very dark place. You said, I've a never Trump guy, never liked him, terrible candidate, idiot if you voted for. Might be America's Hitler, might be a cynical, a-hole, cultural heroine, noxious, and reprehensible. How could Vance run for office as a Maga Republican after all that?

He would have to call upon his experience as a forgotten man and forget it all. Look, I was wrong about Donald Trump. I didn't think he was going to be a good president. He was a great president. Trump may be cultural heroine, but J.D. was hooked. The new J.D. loved D.T. with with all his heart and Trump almost knew who J.D. was. We've endorsed J.P. right? J.D. Mandel and he's doing great. Whatever his name was, there was something about this new guy that Donald Trump liked.

J.D. is kissing my ass he wants myself. What's up? With the taste of Trump's butt cheeks fresh on his lips. Vance won his election and the forgetting kicked into high gear. The man who once said he hated the police and respected trans people now said it was actually the other way around. No opinion was safe from J.D.'s maga, memory wipe. Universities provide high quality talent for folks to get their businesses off the ground. The universities in our country are fundamentally corrupt.

It's really important not to just fabricate and lie to other people. Jadie's moral flexibility propelled him into the MAGA A-list. And when Donald Trump needed a new running mate, for some reason, he tapped Vance. I love you guys. But once he hit the campaign trail, Jady's former friends in the media. thia, thi, the, that the, that the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi the, the, the, the, not to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just to just the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeea their theau theau theau theau to just to just to just to just once he hit the campaign trail, Jady's former friends in the media discovered that his mouth had left around more loaded guns than mamma. Republican v. Candidate J. D. Vance is igniting a firestorm for what's calling citizens without children childless catlady. Vance calls pregnancies resulting from rape or incest, inconvenient.

Said Americans without kids should have their boats count less. Vance takes aim and gymnastic phenoms Simone Biles after she dropped out of the Tokyo Olympics for mental health reasons. The fundamental lie of American feminism is that it is liberating for a woman to go and work 90 hours a week. Please, tell me more about the lessons of feminism, sir. But who cares what the haters and the elites think? There's only one man whose opinion counts.

And he thinks Jady has what it takes. When you look at Jady Vance, is he ready on day one? Historically, the vice president does not have any impact. I mean, virtually no impact. Yes, they said people from Jady's neck of the woods don't matter. But now, Vance has become the most important, not important man in America. And soon, he might be enshrined forever in the nation's halls of power. Or he'll lose, and like every other failed VP candidate in history, this forget-in-man will also be forgotten.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount Podcasts. Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can'tto bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get your

podcasts.