The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Elon Musk Files and His Twitter Takeover

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

Elon Musk: part Thomas Edison, part Iron-Man, part annoying dude in the group chat. He's eccentric, terminally online, but also anything but the standard CEO. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. What do you think of when you think of the future? Is it space travel? Robots? Trucks with the word cyber in front of them. Whatever your vision, there is one man working to make it a reality. He's part Thomas Edison, part Iron Man, part annoying dude in the group chat, and is anything but your standard CEO. I changed my title to techno king. And by the way, this is a formal SEC filing. I'm legally, a former, whatever, techno king.

I just did that as kind of like a joke. Yes, he's the technic king, but as a joke, and soon will all be his search, but in a funny way. Because while he may be an eccentric satellite launching terminally online billionaire who wants to plug people into computers and build a vast network of underground tunnels, it's not like he's some kind of super villain. Eventually you can transform Mars into an Earth-like planet. Drop thermonuclear weapons over the poles. Well maybe a little. So strapping. Turn on the

autopilot but keep your hands on the steering wheel in case of pedestrians. Because this is the daily showography of Elon Musk, visionary future man. Elon Musk was born in Pretoria, South Africa in Earth Year 1971. His father made a fortune in construction and emerald mining because Africa's resources are like free money for white people. Badly bullied in school, Elon overcame many hardships, although unlike other South African celebrities, he didn't make his childhood

into a whole thing. By age 10, he was learning to program computers. At 12, he built a video game he called Blastard, which started his lifelong love of inventing things that already exist. Soon after, he left South Africa and made his way to a booming Silicon Valley, where he launched his first company, Zip 2, which he eventually sold to compact computer for $305 million. Like so many tech entrepreneurs, he earned his unimaginable wealth by doing something invaluable for society, selling a startup you've never heard of to a company that doesn't exist anymore.

Must celebrated by buying himself a million dollar supercar. There are 62 my parents in the world and I will own one of them. Yes, Musk was so rich he could afford to have a midlife crisis while he was still in his 20s. Sadly, his new toy wouldn't last long. I didn't really know how to drive the McLaren, because it's like a difficult car to drive, and I floated and did a lane change and the back wheels broke loose and the car spun around and then we hit the ebankment and knocked the car into the air which continued spinning like a discus like

three feet in the air. That's right. Musk's McLaren crashed worse than Dodge Coyne after Saturday Night Live. For his next act, must created X.com which would later become PayPal. The app your th Nokia. Must took the money you made from that business and build an empire of cool ass shit. Rocket ships, electric cars, solar farms, artificial intelligence, neuro-technology, and underground highways all while dating celebrities and starting a record label to release his own EDM track. The B-I-U-B-U's Instructor. A banger, all the more impressive, considering Musk had clearly never heard music before.

Yes, Elon Musk refuses to stay aseless, much like a Tesla on autopilot. Now I'm not just changing this by itself. Tesla's groundbreaking cars. Ludicrous speed! Go! Brought unprecedented power range and sexiness to electric vehicles, a market previously reserved for nerds who cared about the environment and must even promise the dream of full self-driving technology.

No hands, no, feet, no, no, like promised repeatedly. I'm confident that in less than a year, you'll be able to go from highway on-ramp to highway exit without touching any control. Holy shit, it just ran that red light. If I come up and that was in three years. The call will be able to take you from point to point

and you previously killed. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I think we're basically less than two years away from complete autonomy. Oh, what's the fuck? Oh shit. Shit, we hit that. Cross country from LA to New York by the end of the year, fully autonomous. Extremely confident of achieving full autonomy and releasing it to the Tesla customer base next year.

But Musk can't stop dreaming big, even when he probably should. Oh my goodness! Like when SpaceX made history with the world's first reusable rocket technology and then used it to launch the first car in the space? Technically the second, if you count, Elon Musk's McLaren. Musk's special brand of achievement is one of athe totally normal and healthy families around the world. But success didn't come easy.

He had to overcome a lot of doubters, starting with himself. I don't want to give the impression I thought Tesla would be successful from the beginning. I actually thought we would fail. We were only a few days from bankruptcy. It pushed him to the brink. Musk could have gone from being a multi-billionaire all the way down to the very lowest rung of society. Millionaire. But through the years, Musk kept his many ventures going with little more than his can-do attitude. Oh, Jesus, sorry.

And billions of dollars in government subsidies. Today, Musk isn't merely the richest man in the world, the net worth is higher than the GDP of most countries. Should Musk be a country? He does have a national anthem. Don't go to buy him. But don't worry, it's not like he's got an army or anything. I went to Russia to look at buying a refurbished ICVM, which is a very trippy experience. Okay, maybe worry a little.

And he's not just great at making money, he's also an expert saving it by paying almost nothing in taxes for three years, and then actually nothing in 2018. Of course, there's always haters reluctant nitpick must business methods. There are charges of unreported injuries, excessive hours, abusive conditions, injuries on the job, breathing toxxicu..... And, and th. And, and th. And, and th, and thiii. And, and toxicicicicicicicic, and thi. And, and thi. And, and tops, and tops, and tops, and tops, and tops, and tops, and tops, and thi, and thi, and tooing money money, and thi, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and th, and th, and th, and th, and th. And, and th. And, and th. And, and t, and too, and too, and too, and too, and tooe, and tooxi, and tooxi. And, and tooxi. And, toos, toos, toos, toos, and toos, and thi's not just just just, and thi, and thi, and thi, excessive hours, abusive conditions, injuries on the job, breathing toxic fumes, over a hundred ambulance calls. I don't think that's correct.

I mean, I was literally living in the factory. If these, if those like toxic fumes, I'm breathing them, okay. Exactly. Does Musk seem like a man who is inhaling toxic fumes? But Elon Musk also understands that all work in no play make X-A-12 a dough boy. And like any well-adjusted person, his favorite pastime is spending 12 to 14 hours a day on Twitter. So it made sense when Musk announced that he would buy the social media platform, and even more sense when the that he would buy the social media platform, and even more sense when the deal spun out of control and crashed into an unpacking. But Musk

doesn't only use Twitter for fun, he uses it to make the world a better place, or at least promised to you. It's where he promised to solve world hunger, end traffic, fight COVID, and fix Flint's water. And when a Thai soccer team was stuck in a cane, Elon even promised to rescue those kids from the guy who rescued. That's why Musk is such a champion of free speech. If you can't randomly accuse someone who is saving people's lives of being a pedo guy, does civil discourse even exist? Elon Musk is dedicated to building a brighter future for all humanity. It's why he backed the most futuristic presidential Elon Musk is dedicated to building a brighter future for all humanity.

It's why he backed the most futuristic presidential candidate of 2020. It's why he's so dedicated to turning every aspect of our lives into a platform for his dumb jokes. From robots, to cybernetic implants, to AI, to space travel, to unfettered social media. Elon Musk is building a future that humanity only imagined in the movies. And who wouldn't want to live there? You basically have to think about the hate humanity if you don't like that future. And that's is talking about.

Elon Musk and Twitter. It's the hottest and messiest relationship drama this side of Riverdale and it looks like after weeks of flirtation and fighting, the new couple has officially done the deed. Now it is official Elon Musk has bought Twitter for approximately 44 billion. He's going to be paying each share of Twitter, $54 and 20 cents. In a statement released by the company, Mr. Musk said, free speech is the bedrock of a functioning democracy. And Twitter is the digital town square where matters vital to the company, Mr. Musk said, free speech is the bedrock of a functioning democracy and

Twitter is the digital town square where matters vital to the future of humanity are debated. This is a dramatic turn of events from earlier this month when Twitter was set to decline Musk offer, adopting a so-called poison pill to block him. That's right, people. Twitter said it would never sell to Elon Musk and then he produced the cash and they're like, I, it will sell................... I, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is, is, is, is, their, their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their...................... the....... the.. the. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. would never sell to Elon Musk and then he produced the cash and they're like, alright we'll sell. Yes, I guess they found that edit button after all. It's actually kind of a historic moment. This is the first time anyone at Twitter has changed their mind about anything. Well done. I think like Twitter was always going to sell to Elon though, right? They just couldn't be too eager about it. You know, it's like a husband and a wife, where it's like, uh-uh, I am not going to that wedding.

Forget it, it's not gonna happen. And then three months later, it's like, how does my bow tie look? How does it? Do you think it looks good? Do you think it does? I honestly don't know why I'm saying. buying Jurassic Park after the power went down and the cages are opened. Yeah, you're going to spend a lot of time replacing Jeep windshields. That's all I'm saying.

But the truth is, look, in many ways, this is a really smart move by Elon Musk. Because wealthy men know the value in owning publishing platforms. It's why Jeff Bezos bought the Washington Post. It's why Confucius owns those fortune cookies. Yeah, because you see, then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then then thi thi they. their their their their their their their theirueueueueueueueueueueueueueueue. their. their. their. their. their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's t. It's t. It's t. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's why Confucius owns those fortune cookies. Yeah. Yeah, because you see, then he knows that none of us will play his lucky numbers in the lotto. That's genius. So you see, by buying Twitter, Elon Musk gets to own one of the most culturally influential publishing platforms in the world.

I mean, remember this. Think about it. Twitter is how the Arab Spring took off, right? Black Lives Matter blew up on Twitter. The Me Too movement started on Twitter. Trump used Twitter to turn himself from a reality show joke into the 45th president of the United States and a joke. So owning Twitter gives you more power than the drugstore employee with the key to the deodorant shelf. Yeah, you want to smell fresh, you best not piss off Curtis. Don't play around. Shut you down, walk around smelling musty. So here's the thing, look, whether you are for Elon Musk or against him,

you've got to admit, it is pretty crazy that one man is now in control of all of that. Because before this, Jack Dorsey didn't own Twitter. A lot of people think he did. No, he had 2% of the shares. And even as CEO, he still had to answer to the board. And the board still had to answer to the shareholders. And Twitter itself still had to answer to the SEC. But now as a private company, it's just Elon Musk. Yeah, everything that happens on Twitter from now is up to him. And also whatever strain his weed guy gives him that day. I'm just saying, if he gets the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong the wrong th. thirty th. thi. threathe thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to th. th. th. It is still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still still th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's to to to to to toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's toe. It's still has toe war people prepare yourselves like this is the thing whether it's a billionaire you like or a billionaire you hate as a society I think we should spend more time interrogating how easy it is for billionaires to shape our world in their favor just think about it you like it now you like it now but should they be

able to do it I don't know you know the news what's happening in the news what's the news oh oh oh oh the news the news the news the news the news the news the news the news th let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th let's th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th is th is th. th. th. th. the th. the the the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is the is the is the is the able to do it? I don't know. You know the news, what's happening in the news? What's happening in the news? Oh, let's kick things off with the big news of the day, right, starting with Elon Musk, the guy who always looks like a ghost, whether it's Halloween or not. For months now, for months now, Musk has said that he wanted to own Twitter, right? And the reason he wanted to make sure that it became it that it that it tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thus the guy the guy thus the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy the guy thu. tho tho tho tho tho tho a tho a tho a thoooooo a thoooooooo th. thoooooooooooo the guy the guy the guy the guy the wanted to change it to that, because let's be honest, up until now, you know, people have really held back on Twitter. You know, I always find myself scrolling and thinking, but what do you really think? Why are you so reserved, sir? So anyway, on Thursday, the day Elon officially took over, right, we got a taste of this extra free speech, right? Because in the first 12 hours under Elon's ownership,

the use of the N-word on Twitter shot up 500% 500%. Which, no, you don't know, you don't know. Who knows what it is? It could be, it could be, it could be. Right? Just who feel free and feel emboldened to say it now, right? Or it could be black people watching Elon. You don't know which one it is, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on, the the the the the end the end the end the the the the the the end the end the end the end, the end, the end, the end, the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their thi thi, the, the, the.e. theat, their their the. their their their their their the be black people watching Elon take over like, this, nigger. You don't know which one it is.

You're not sure. You're not sure. Because he's going crazy. Here's my question. Here's my question. I really want to know this. Why is it always when the free speech, right? All these people are like, the free speech people right all those people were like we want free speech why do they never want to use their free speech to say

words like perambulate or or or pusillanimous like it's never stuff like that have you noticed they're like we want free speech we want free speech you like okay what do you want to say negger like really all the things you could have said in the world everyone that their. Niggers like the their th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. they's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their their their their their their their their th. N. N. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. What th. th. th. What they they they're they're they're they're th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're like, they're they're their they, every word, everything you could have spoken about, all the issues you, what do you want to say? Did any other word? Niggers? It feels like he doesn't want free speech, you just want to hate on people, right? So yeah, it looks like Elon is, he's scrambling to figure out, you know, how to make this whole thing work. Because remember, he spent $44 billion, because it was a troll that took th thuu, thol thu, thu, thu, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thu, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi.. So, thi. So, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii's, thiiiiiiiii.a, their, the was forced to spend $44 billion because it was a troll

that turned into a real, he used his free speech and he paid a big price. And it's going to be hard to make money from this thing. You know, Twitter has a lot of debt, right? They're not profitable as a company, you know, and so today to try and mitigate this. Elon Musk came out and he said he's going to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start charging to start charging to start charging to start charging to start charging. to start, to start, to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. to start. thi. thi. thi. thi. to start. to start, to start, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to thi. to thi. to to to to th to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to a blue check mark next to their name. Yeah, $8 a month for the blue check mark. Because I guess he's hoping that everyone else on Twitter will also make terrible financial decisions like he did. No, because what, I'm sorry, $8.00, what are you spending $8 for? Like the blue check? You realize what you get with $8 a month, you can subscribe, you can get like Netflix, you can get Paramount. 8 $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $8.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, $8. Yeah, $8. Yeah, $8. Yeah, $8. Yeah, $8. Yeah, $8. Yeah, $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $, $, $, $, $, $, $, $, $, $, $.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00.00 a month for? Like the blue check? You realize what you get? With $8 a month, you can subscribe.

You can get like Netflix, you can get Paramount Plus, you can get Hulu. Or, or you can pay so that people verify that they're actually shitting on you. Right, it's just like, oh, this is the reason. This is the reason Elon Musk gave. He said the reason he's doing this, the reason he's doing it, is because he's sick of Twitter's current lords and peasant system for who has or who doesn't have a blue check mark. And then he ended it with power to the people, blue for $8 a month. So here's my question. If you're trying to create equality on Twitter,

why charge anyone to be verified? Huh? Yeah, just give everyone a blue checkmark then. Why are you charging the people? Give it to everyone for free? Oh, give it to no one. Give it to no one, right? But it doesn't make sense to offer it as equality

and then put a price on it. Do you get what I'm saying? Can you imagine if MLK was out there like, I have a dream? I have a dream, and I'll tell you all about it for 899 a month. It wouldn't be the same thing. It's all about equality. No, you're trying to make money. I get it.

Yeah. So I think this $8 a month thing is ridiculous, you know? If you ask me, if Elon Musk wants to make money from Twitter, what he should do, don't charge people for blue check marks. No, you know, charge white people to say the N-word. Twitter will be the most profitable company in history. Racists are going to be taking out loans. I need a bit of extra cash. My neighbors are so god damn loud. I could use this. In social media news, on Friday, Elon Musk kicked off his new job as the head of Twitter

by laying off. I like how you built your boo. He kicked off as the head of Twitter by laying off half of the workforce. Yeah even fired the bird was terrible. It was last seen in a parking lot, a dick for worms. Oh, relax, relax. A dick is just a bigger worm. But it turns out, Musk got a little ahead of himself. Because this morning, he's reportedly trying to rehire dozens of people

that he just fired. After realizing that he actually needs them. And I'm going to be honest, I'm going to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to them and I'm gonna be I'm gonna be honest I'm gonna put it out there If he's handling Twitter like this I don't know how comfortable I would be going with this dude to Mars You know yeah, I don't want Elon walking into my cabin one day like hey guys turns out I accidentally fired the team that was bringing the oxygen But we'll be fine if we just stopped breathing for 69 months Ha ha ha ha ha! But we'll be fine if we just stop breathing for 69 months.

Right now, the one thing being mismanaged worse than Putin's war is Elon Musk's website. Well, Twitter has officially debuted its verified blue check marks and the feature is already causing a lot of confusion. Subscribers who pay the $8 monthly fee are now entitled to some additional perks, namely the blue check mark previously reserved for verified accounts. The problem is some of those users are using their newly acquired verification to impersonate celebrities and other public figures. Someone pretending to be LeBron James tweeted, I am officially requesting a trade from

the Lakers. An account that appeared to be from the pharmaceutical company Eli Lilly announced that all insulin would now be free. Meanwhile a user impersonating George W. Bush declared I miss killing Iraqis and a fake account for Nintendo simply tweeted a picture of Mario giving the finger. Oh no! Because anyone can buy verification they're now impersonating famous people. Who could have seen this coming? What? Everyone? Wow! Where were you guys? 44 billion dollars ago? Look, I'm going to be honest. And I'm going to be blunt here.

Elon Musk is running Twitter into the ground. And it's the best Twitter's ever been. Are you kidding me? Huh? Fake LeBron leaving LA, Mario flipping the bird, huh? George Bush telling us how he really feels. The thing is an absolute train wreck, and I'm here for it. The only reason we know that that wasn't the real Mario was because Mario

would never flip someone the bird. He's Italian. Come on. Yeah, he'd probably do this, right? Or this. It's like, hey, Cooper, tell your mother I said hello, huh? But who knows? Who knows? Maybe all of this verified real fake people on Twitter. Chaos is actually part of Elon's plan. Yeah, maybe this is what he's doing on purpose. Soon no one will know a real account from a fake account. And then he'll be like, guys, did you see someone impersonated me and spent $44 billion on Twitter? That was crazy. Well, I'm just gonna take my money and be on my way. Okay, bye-bye now, bye bye.

Now, if we had the time, we could discuss how this verified fiasco isn't just hurting Twitter. It's also damaging Tesla's stock. Oh, we we we we we wea, we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could we could th. We could th. We could th. We could th. We could definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely definitely th. We could that, we could definitely that, we could tho, we could definitely definitely definitely thi. thirty, we could thirty, we could thirty, we could thirty, we could th. th. that, th. th. tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. today, today, today, that thi. that thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Rianna just said on Twitter that she wanted me to perform with her at the Super Bowl. And no it's not a fake account because she even asked for my social security number. Let me ask you guys a question. Who hears on Twitter? Okay, I, that's too many people. The guy, the guy who said no, that's a normal person right there. I trust you.

Now, by now, you probably know Elon Musk recently bought Twitter for $44 billion. Yeah, and since Elon's takeover, all I see on Twitter is, Twitter sucks. We should leave Twitter. Elon ruined Twitter. But here's the thing, guys. Elon didn't make Twitter terrible. Twitter has been terrible for years. Because of us. Nah, you can't dunk on Elon.

It's us. Twitter is the shidiest platform on planet Earth. It's worse than Tinder, and Tinder gives you genital herpes, okay? But as bad as it gets, no one ever leaves. Oh, but Hung Hu-N, I can't leave Twitter. It's the digital town square. No, it's not. Twitter is not a town square. It's Times Square. Have you been to Times Square? It's fucking terrifying. You got the

M&M store, Mexican Elmo, a guy masturbating, ads for Draft Kings.com, I'm like, can someone just stab me in the eye and take me out of this hell? Oh but husson we have to be a part of the discourse. This is a place for discourse fine let's talk about the discourse. Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything? Is someone like, you know, I used to think canceling student debt was a bad idea, but it makes a lot more sense with hand-clapp emojis. Oh, you think we're going to convince Florida's government to stop banning books with a thread. Here's a thread. They've already made it pretty clear.

They're not big on reading. But Husson, no no I can't leave Twitter. Everybody's on Twitter. No they're not. Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter. Yeah, by the way, by the way, and only 10% of those dorks create 80% of the content. It's a minority of a minority. There are more country music stars named Luke than people who tweet. It just feels like everyone's on it because the news everyone's on it. Because the news media is on it. So journalists see three people tweet about something and they're like,

everybody's talking about this. Who the fuck is everybody? Ballsack 79 is everybody? But they go, quote, tweet, quote, tweet, a this, a this, but this was nothing. This was not discourse, this was three people. Okay, now, now, to the people that gave it up that were like, I use Twitter, I will give you this.

I'll give you this. Twitter has been helpful for boosting the Me Too movement and spotlighting police brutality. But it has to be used in dire circumstances. That should be the CAPTCHA for Twitter. When you log in, it shouldn't ask you to pick three stoplights. It should ask you, are you reporting a natural disaster? An authoritarian government, whistleblowing, harassment by the police? Or are you defending Beyonce? Then, and only then, should you get to tweet?

Outside of that. What the f-fee is the upside of anyone tweeting? Why should I tweet? Why should you tweet? Think of the process. You share your opinion. You argue with people and then potentially lose your job. That's if you're a civilian or a celebrity. It's a platform with no dialogue, no grace, no forgiveness.

It's all ISIS beheadings and clout. In the only thing worse than Twitter's features are its users. Not the lurkers. Lerker's were normal. I'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline. The amount these psychos tweet is on another level. George Tchaye has tweeted 100 in 3,000 times since he joined. That comes out to 23 tweets a day.

George, you can have opinions, but I shouldn't be able to set my watch to them. Dude, Mike Surnovich has tweeted 200,000 times. That's 48 tweets a day. How the fuck do you have that many opinions? I'm a guy, and I only have two opinions. I love the Sacramento Kings. In real talk, Chipotle has kind of fallen off. That's it.

Wajahat Ali. he's a friend of mine and a writer for the New York Times, brag. Wodge has tweeted 185,200 times. Watch. I have a message from your family. We miss you, Dad. Look up. I don't care. What side of the aisle you're on.

Put the crackpipe down and leave Twitter like you said you would. What happened to the mass exodus when Elon took over? I thought all you guys were going to Twitter Canada. Mastodon. Find me on Mestadon. You can catch me on Mestadon, you f-couards. And for the people who still think it has value, you're wrong. You know this deep down.

You fucking feel it here. You bitch about Elon all the time, but you won't quit. You don't even have the willpower to live up to your own values. You don't give a fuck about your values. You don't give a f- You care more about your brand than progress. You don't want to write on Twitter. You want to write on succession. But you're not talented enough to write for succession.

And neither am I. I want out of the media grip. Do you understand? I want my mind back. I hate twitter. I want out out. I. I. I. I. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to live. I. I to live to live to live to live to to live to live to live to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. I. I. I. I. I to to to to to to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live to live their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I want their. I want their. I want their. I want their. I want theirfoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I want. I want too. I want to. I want to. I want to to.. Do you understand? I want my mind back. I hate this place. I hate Twitter. I want out. I want out. Give me my mind back. Treat my mind from Yashar Ali's tweets. Please. Oh, fuck. What am I doing? What am I doing? My daughter's here? What am I doing? My daughter's here. What am I doing? Oh my God, I'm the living embodiment of Twitter. I'm judging other people without changing anything about myself. Let me channel the fake Gandhi quote I saw on Twitter. Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see in the world.

F*** this I'm leaving Twitter. I'm leaving Twitter. I'm leaving this Hellscape right now. Let's do this right now. You think I'm doing this? This is real. This is real. And just like everybody on Twitter, I'm making a long, annoying announcement about it right here. You got that? Yeah, let's do it.

Oh, fuck, yeah. Let's get the f-shund here. Deactivate. Yes, deactivate. Goodbye. I'm gone. I'm free. I'm free! I'm free!

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free! So what do I do now? I guess I can actually go to the town square and meet people in real life. Hang out with my wife, kiss my children, you know, touch grass. It's a big world out there, and I want to live in it. We had a fun ride, trolls and bad faith actors. Oh, and by the way, if you hate this on Twitter, I could give the f-bick because I'm not there.

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