The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Mike Pence Files: From Trump Puppet to Trump Opponent

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Presidential hopeful Mike Pence has quite a VP resume: ice cold immigration takes, unconvincing lies, and an impressive squirm out of Trump's hold. Here are some of his most memorable moments.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. I'm gonna be honest people. Last night was not the most interesting convention night. Actually I'm gonna be super honest.

It was extremely boring. And that's only because the other nights have been so rock and roll. I mean, on night one, Kimberly Guilfoyle attempted to summon the crackin. On night two, Donald Trump had a ceremony with immigrants that wasn't a marriage. But last night, the most exciting thing to happen was a speech by Mike Pence, a man so boring that during his midlife crisis he bought a minivan. Hey ladies, you want to come on in, I'm going to Costco. And part of what made Pence's speech interesting was how he's able to hide so much bullshit

underneath the veneer of a respectable small town pastor. In fact, he actually made me appreciate Trump, because Trump says bullshit in a bullshit way. That's always easy to spot, like this. You mentioned the Bible, you've been talking about how it's your favorite book, and you said, I think, last night in Iowa. Some people are surprised that you say that.

I'm wondering what one or two of your most favored Bible verses are and why? I wouldn't want to get into it because to me that's very personal. You know when I talk about the Bible it's very personal, so I don't want to get into verses, I don't want to get into. There's no verse that means a lot to you think about or site or a tpaste of verse. There's no verse to you thipea. See? the Bible the Bible the Bible means means means means means a thia verse, I I thia thia thia verse, thia thia thia thia thia thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thoer's thi, thi, thi, thi, tho tho tho tho thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi We all know that man has never read the Bible. Now, granted, he's never read any book, but he's specifically never read the book, which is your favorite? But with Mike Pence, if you're not paying attention, he comes across as a reasonable guy. You know, it's the same way I didn't trust anything that the Tiger King said, but when Doc Antel spoke, he almost made me believe that he wasn't running a wild animal

sex cult. Just seemed like everyone was just doing their thing. And last night was Mike Pence at his finest. Cool, calm, and full of BS, starting with the way he talked about the civil unrest happening in America's cities. Last week, Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence and chaos engulfing cities across this country. President Trump and I know that the men and women that put on the uniform of law enforcement are the best of us.

Every day. When they walk out that door, they consider our lives more important than their own. People like Dave Patrick Underwood, an officer in the Department of Homeland Security's Federal Protective Service, who was shot and killed during the riots in Oakland, California. Dave's heroism is emblematic of the heroes that serve in blue every day. First off, Pence says that an officer was killed during the riots in Oakland,

which gives you the impression that the officer was killed by rioters, right? The truth is, the person charged with killing Officer Underwood is a right-wing terrorist. You know, it's sort of like saying that Bruce Lee died during the Vietnam War. Yeah, technically that's correct because he died in 1973, but it's not while he was fighting the Viet Cong. You got to tell the truth, people. Bruce was killed by the Illuminati. When Pence says that Joe Biden didn't say one word about the violence during the convention, he's giving you the impression that Biden supports the riots. When in fact, Biden condemned them a few months ago when they started, and he continued condemning them again yesterday

when they kicked off in Kenosha. And that's what makes Mike Pence so slick. He doesn't lie. He doesn't lie. He just implies. But that's fine, I guess, you know, there's no commandment that says, Thou shalt not suggest false witness against thy neighbor. So, according to Mike Pence, America under President Trump is falling into anarchy. But you'll never guess whose fault it actually is. Joe Biden says that America is systemically racist and that law enforcement in America has, and I quote, an implicit bias against minorities. Joe Biden would double down on the very policies that are leading to violence in America's cities.

The hard truth is you won't be safe in Joe Biden's America. That's right. You see all the bad stuff that's happening in Trump's America. Well, that's actually Joe Biden's America. So wait, when is it Trump's America? When things are going well. And as for the idea that you won't be safe when Joe Biden is president, people are not safe

now! Forget the riots, coronavirus is waiting to punch me in the lungs as soon as I leave the house. You won't be safe in the future, bitch, I can't even go to a Denny's right now. So Mike Pence, talking about riots and protests wasn't exactly on the up and up, but it was nothing compared to his bullshit about Trump's handling of the coronavirus pandemic, which, to hear him tell it, was more perfect than Trump's call with Ukraine. Before the first case of the coronavirus spread within the United States, the president took unprecedented action and suspended all travel from China, the second largest economy in the world.

Now that action saved untold American lives. And I can tell you firsthand. It bought us invaluable time to launch the greatest national mobilization since World War II. President Trump marshaled the full resources of our federal government from the outset. He directed us to forge a seamless partnership with governors across America in both political parties. Today we're conducting more than 800,000 tests a day and we have coordinated the delivery of billions of pieces of personal protective equipment for our amazing doctors,

nurses and health care workers. Okay, I'm not going to lie. I'm actually kind of impressed by how much cow excrement Pence managed to pack in here. Because yes, America is doing 800,000 tests a day now. What Pence doesn't mention is the many months where America did basically no testing and that Trump himself wants there to be less testing. Pence brags about coordinating the delivery of P.P.E. What he doesn't mention is that America was so disorganized on PPE that nurses were wrapping themselves up in garbage bags running around looking like some kind of broke-ass Missy Elliott's. I mean it's great that you bought invaluable time to launch a national mobilization but what would have been even better was if you

actually used that invaluable time to actually do the national mobilization. Oh, and as for the seamless partnership with America's governors, I assume Pence is referring to when Trump told Democratic governors that they would only get help if they were nice to him? I mean, I guess that's a seamless partnership. The same way when a guy walks into the bank and tells someone to put the money in the bag, they put the money in the bag. Hashtag, to be fair, Mike Pence did admit that America hasn't completely solved coronavirus.

But then he got mad that Joe Biden said finishing the job would take actual work. Now last week Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming. Well what Joe doesn't seem to understand is that America is a nation of miracles. And I'm proud to report that we're on track to have the world's first safe, effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of this year. Wow, what a miracle. We might be getting the vaccine at some point, and only 200,000 people had to die first. Take that, Joe Biden.

Like, I don't think it still qualifies as a miracle, if it happens long after we needed the miracle. God parting the red sea wouldn't have been quite as miraculous if it happened eight months after the Egyptians stabbed all the Israelites to death. So, that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that was that was that was th th th th th th th th th the thaten thaten thathea thathea thoom thoom, the tho-o-o-o-o-o-a tho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a th. th. the th. the the th after the Egyptians stabbed all the Israelites to death. So, that was Mike Pence's speech. And I guess we finally found out why Pence always has that permanent squint. His own face is going, are we really saying this bullshit? Let's kick things off with last night's vice presidential debate.

The first and only debate between the two people who will take over if the president falls in the shower. And it was a weird situation from the start because there is a real chance that Pence could have COVID-19 even though he's tested negative. And that fear wasn't helped when Pence's eye threw a gender reveal party. Pink it's a girl! Now it would be unfair to say that no part of last night was worth watching, because for a couple of minutes, specifically two minutes and nine seconds, the debate got amazing. A fly stole the spotlight, it landed on Vice President Mike Pence's head and stayed there

for about two minutes, everyone but Pence seemed to notice. The fly that landed on Mr. Pence's head and sat there for two minutes and nine seconds. I thought that the most effective being on that the thee president Pence was that fly that landed on his head. Who would have predicted a fly would steal the show? Okay can I just say that I was not surprised at all to see that fly land on Mike's? th. th. the th. the the th. the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the f. the f. th. the the fly th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the the the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. theeeeean. theean. the thean. the theea theeean. thee. the. the. the. the. Who would have predicted that flies would steal the show? Okay, can I just say that I was not surprised at all to see that fly land on my pants? First of all, even a fly knows better than to toubend to toub-shauile's hair. And second, have you seen my pants? A guy has bloody eyes on the world's palest skin. That fly probably thought he was like, thou? th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. Fi. Fi. Fi's thi. Fi's thi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Flie. Flie. Flie. Flii. Flii. Fliiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwiwi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi. Fi probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably thi probably thi probably thi probably thi probably thi probably thi probably thi. Fli is thi. Flii. Flii. I was like, thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwli. thi. th, the shit moved. And look, flies land on people all the time. There's nothing crazy about that.

What was crazy is how long it sat there for. Even Trump was watching at home like, wow, two minutes with Mike Pence. I could never do that. We got to get that fly into the White House. Such a powerful strong fly. The future of America is in your hands. This is not a movie trailer and it's not a political ad, but it is a call to action. I'm Mila Atmos and I'm passionate about unlocking the power of everyday citizens.

On our podcast, Future Hindsight, we take big ideas about civic life and democracy and turn them into action items for you and me. Every Thursday we talk to bold activists and civic innovators to help you understand your power and your power to change the status quo. Find us at Future Hindsight.com or wherever you listen to podcasts. Let's kick things off with an update on the January 6th insurrection at the Capitol. The day white supremacists entered the Capitol without having to get elected. Yesterday, Congress held its first hearings on what went wrong with security that day, and the testimony from the people in charge was not encouraging. But yesterday's hearing was just the beginning of a long process.

I mean, President Trump incited a mob that stormed the Capitol chanting Hang Mike Pence. That's something that was super upsetting to everyone. Well, almost everyone. Former Vice President Mike Pence is standing by his former boss. That's right. Pence told a group of conservative lawmakers yesterday he maintains a close personal friendship with the former president.

This is significant because of what happened on January 6 and pro-Trum demonstrators coming into the Capitol Capitol, looking for Mike Pence, by attacking Mike Pence even during the Capitol riot. But he did not express, I'm told any ill-will toweting about attacking Mike Pence even during the Capitol riot, but he did not express, I'm told, any ill will towards the former president. Banks told me, I got the sense they speak often and maintain the same personal friendship and relationship now that they have for four years.

Woo, staying loyal after he sent a mob to kill you. Man, that shows how committed Mike Pence is to his principles. He won't even abort a friendship. And I don't know where the line is between forgiving and being a doormat. But Mike Pence crossed it a long time ago. I mean, yeah, the Bible says to turn the other cheek. But at the same time, one of the 10 commandments is, there's nothing that Trump can do to Mike Pence that would make Pence turn on him. They basically have the same relationship that we have with our Alexa.

Ah, Alexa, I hate you! I wish you would die! I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there anything else I could help you with? We kick things off with the ongoing investigation into the January 6th attack on the US Capitol building, also known as the most successful Facebook meetup of all time. Right now, a congressional committee is trying to determine if President Trump and his allies were involved

in the violent attempt to overturn the election. And one of the people they most want to hear from is Steve Bannon, former Trump advisor, and the only person who should maybe try horse dewormer. I mean it couldn't hurt. But like any innocent person, Trump has told all of his people not to cooperate with law enforcement at all. So Bannon defied a congressional subpoena to testify. And this morning he turned himself in, arriving at an FBI office, looking like he'd already served 10 years in prison.

But if all of this activity has Donald Trump worried, he's not showing it. In fact, when asked whether he had tried to pressure Mike Pence into overturning the election on January 6th, well, Trump basically admitted it in the most trumpy way possible. It had been reported back in January by the New York Times that Trump even pressured Pence on the morning of January 6th with a crude phone call. When I interviewed Trump for betrayal, I asked him about that. There was a report, excuse my language, not mine, it was in the report, that you talked to him that morning and you said you could be a Patriot or you can be a

a B. Did you really say that or is that, or is that a incorrect, uh? Uh, I wouldn't dispute it. Really? I wouldn't dispute it? I wouldn't dispute it? Wow. Oh, Trump is gangster. Why would I dispute it? the guy's a totally pussy. Why would I dispute it?

You know what I love about Trump is that? Even if he didn yeah, that's a good line. I totally said it. I said it. Patriot or pussy. I love it. I also love how the reporter says, excuse my language, excuse my language, so as if Donald Trump is going to be offended. My man, it's Donald Trump. If anything, he'd be like, pussy, my favorite topic. Thank you for bringing this up. that don't be a pussy is the thing people only go to in life when they don't have any other arguments. You know, it's the last option when you have nothing real to convince someone with.

And yeah, it usually works because no one wants to be a pussy. I mean, that's probably how cliff jumping started. I'm not a pussy. But sometimes it's good to be a pussy. Oftentimes history is made by pussies. I mean, I, I, I, thandy, than, than, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. I mean Gandhi, total pussy. Yeah. Britain was like, are you gonna fight us or are you a pussy? And Gandhi said, I am a pussy. You must be the pussy you wish to see in the world. That is what we need more of. You know what's messed up man? I kind of, in a way I feel bad for Mike Pence,

man. Because he was like living that Christian life and being all righteous. He was. And that Christian life and being all righteous. He was. And then like the last four or five years, Fomber, he going to hell. Like, you're not messing with just do everything perfect. And then just in the ninth end, oh, I'm going to hell. Didn't do nothing wrong.

Because whole life, he missed all his good jackoff years. Your jackoff years is from 14 to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about to about about to about about 14 to about 14 to about 14 to about about 14 to about jack-off years is from 14 to about 45, 46, and he didn't do nothing. Just a pure man, then start hanging with Trump, now you go to hell, you tell me you're a patriot or a pussy. Which is messed up. I feel bad for Mike Pence, man. He's gonna be all right. The Republican Party right now is more divided than Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. The big debate is between a small handful of conservatives who think it is wrong to try and steal an election

versus the majority of Republicans who say overthrowing democracy is just legitimate political discourse. Well now, Mike Pence has chosen aside. The former vice president, Mike Pence rebuked President Trump's insistence that Pence could have rejected the electoral college results on January 6th. President Trump said I had the right to overturn the election. But President Trump is wrong. And frankly, there is no idea more on American than the notion that any one person could choose the American president.

Ooh, Mike Pence, standing up to Donald Trump. Hey, look at my guy trying new things for the first time. Next week, player is going to be having sex with his eyes open. But still, good for Pence. And it's going to be fun watching him endorse Trump for re-election in two years. He was right, I should have done it, and next time maybe I will. Today was the third day of the January 6 hearings, aka VH1's Behind the Riot. Now, this session focused predominantly on Mike Pence, former vice president and the inspiration

behind the white noise machine. Because you see, Trump's entire plan to overturn the election hinged on Mike Pence agreeing to break the law by not certifying the election results. And today, we heard what might be the funniest recounting of the conversation that Trump actually had with Mike Pence, where the vice president would not agree to Trump's scheme no matter how hard the Donald tried. In the book peril journalist Bob Woodward and Robert Costa write, that that the law the vice president would not agree to Trump's scheme, no matter how hard the Donald tried. In the book peril, journalist Bob Woodward and Robert Costa write that the president said,

quote, if these people say you have the power, wouldn't you want to? The vice president says, quote, I wouldn't want any one person to have that authority. The president responds, But wouldn't it almost be cool to have that authority. The president responds, but wouldn't it almost be cool to have that power? Vice President is reported to have said, no, look, I've read this,

and I don't see a way to do it. We've exhausted every option. I've done everything I could, and then some, to find a way around this. It's simply not possible. My interpretation is no, to which the president says, no, no, no, you don't understand, Mike. You can do this. I don't want to be your friend anymore if you you know, this is the paradox of Donald Trump.

Like, this is really the paradox. Like, he has the most terrifying schemes in the world, but he executes them in the most hilarious ways. Because Trump basically, he lives his entire life as if he's the bad kid in one of those anti-smoking PSAs. You know, he's like, come on, Mike, just try overturning the election. I thought you wanted to be cool. Also by the way, if there's one person who you can't entice with cool, it's Mike Pence. He's the least cool man in the world.

The man wouldn't even about the story? Because Trump said it like this, because he said it like this, you actually believe that is true. Right? Because if the reporting was that, Penn said, sir, we cannot do this, and then Trump said, my interpretation of the Constitution offers ample precedent both legal and historical, people be like, yeah, there's no way that happened that didn't happen that's not real but I don't want to be a friend anymore you like yeah that's that's that's my dude that's my dude right there that sounds like him

also find it crazy that trumps tho tho tho'cends thoubt to bond over also find it crazy that tru thoo pence thii tho that that that that that that that that that that that that that they they they they that they even be possible? What do Pence and Trump have to bond over, huh? He's just hanging out on the weekend? Like, thanks for bringing me to this club, Mike. The music's a little lame, but the ladies are looking good. Ah, Mr. President, it's church. Oh, that's why it burned when I walked through the door. Totally get it, totally get it. As everyone prepares themselves for what the 2024 race will be like with Trump, there's

one party, there's one part that'll be different this time. And that is one of Trump's biggest ass liquors is going to be leaving his ass very dry. Nearly two years after a mob of Donald Trump's supporters attacked the Capitol, disrupting the transfer of power, and chanting Hang Mike Pence. Trump's once loyal vice president is finally telling his story about what happened that day. The president's words were reckless,

and his actions were reckless. The president's words that day at the rally endangered me and my family and everyone at the Capitol building. Given all that you witnessed in the Capitol on that day, this is a pretty straightforward question, a yes or no, do you believe that Donald Trump should ever be president again? David, I think that's up to the American people. But I think we'll have better choices in the future. Hell yeah! Good for Mike Pence, telling Donald Trump,

you almost got me and my family killed, which is why I'm now prepared to say that it's possible there are better alternatives to you in the next election, although that decision will be up to the American people. You tell him, Mike Pence, you tell him. Who? For real though, man, it's a simple question. Do you support Trump or not? I can't believe Mike Pence is the one leaving us hanging. And I know, I know why he's doing this, right?

I know why he's doing it. He doesn't want to go too hard against Trump, because he's still hoping to win over Trump's voters if he runs for president, which is so delusional. Trump's people were the ones who wanted to kill him. The only reason they would elect him president is so that they know for sure where he lived. Why would they vote for you? And th. where he lived. Why would they vote for you? And even if that strategy works, it still makes him a punk-ass bitch. It does. I'm sorry, but this, this is not the type of man you

want leading the United States. All right? Oh, you can't even say the thing out loud. If Pence was present, forget China. Canada would be invading. Yeah. Just be like, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh,ading. Yeah. It's like, oh, sorry, sorry, we're going to take Oregon, eh? It just seems so easy, sorry, sorry, eh? The future of America is in your hands. This is not a movie trailer, and it's not a political ad, but it is a call to action. I'm Mila Atmos, and I'm passionate about unlocking the power of everyday citizens. On our podcast, future hindsight, we take, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to thi, thi, thin-cina, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, to to to to to ta' ta' ta' ta' ta' thin, thin, thin, thina Atmos and I'm passionate about unlocking the power of everyday citizens. On our podcast, Future Hindsight, we take big ideas about civic life and democracy

and turn them into action items for you and me. Every Thursday, we talk to bold activists and civic innovators to help you understand your power and your power to change the status quo. Find us at Future Hindsight.com or wherever you listen to podcasts. But speaking of Mike Pence, guess what they just found at his house? Yes, classified documents. Yes, him too. First Trump, then Biden, now Mike Pence? You know, at some point, the

FBI is just going to have to be like, okay, I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten. And if they're classified documents on this table when I open them, no one gets in trouble. Let's move on to the major news about the arrest of Donald Trump, which is that Trump still has not been arrested. But don't worry because there's still 50 other investigations going on into Trump and one of them is about to feature a surprise witness. In a major ruling, a federal judge has ordered former them is about to feature a surprise witness. In a major ruling, a federal judge has ordered former vice president Mike Pence to testify before a grand jury about former president Trump.

Pence has been ordered to give testimony in the special counsel investigation of Trump's attempts to overturn the 2020 presidential election. The judge ruled private exchanges between Trump and Pence are not off limits. Prosecutors are focused on conversations the two men had on January 6 and also in the The judge ruled private exchanges between Trump and Pence are not off limits. Prosecutors are focused on conversations the two men had on January 6 and also in the days leading up to the capital attack. The conversations before January 6th when Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on the phone, one-on-one and Donald Trump apparently was berating him, calling him names, that sort

of thing in this criminal investigation. He is going to have to share that. Oh, come on, man. Don't make Penn say all the names that Trump called him. Yo, that could take weeks. These jury members have families to go home too. Although, as a viewer, it's something I'd like to see, actually. President Trump brought me into his office and called me a little mashed potato boy. A jerk off for Jesus. A silver-haired baby bitch.

He called me the white Mitt Romney. I don't even know what that means. He said if I didn't overturn the election, he would, I mean, how would I put this, make love to me in the holeto the courthouse and Roywood Jr. Now, for more on this story, we go live to the courthouse and Roywood Jr. What's happening here? Roy? What do you think about Pence having to testify against Trump?

I think this is about to be the whitest trial of all time. You got Mike Pence, you got Donald Trump. This is about to be whiter than the Guinefaltro case. And that case has snow, skin, and Guineafaltro. Roy, that's a good point. And it seems like Pence really doesn't want to testify. Of course he doesn't. Trump's supporters are going to try to kill him again.

And, and some of those supporters are women. So Mike Pence is double scared. According to his beliefs, if you get killed by a woman, you go to super hell. You're the super hell. And they don't even get your bathroom breaks in super-hell. Yeah, it's almost like an Amazon warehouse. Mm-hmm. But, but there's a way out for Mike Pence.

There's a way out for Donald Trump, but neither one of them are gonna like it. If Pence doesn't want to testify against Trump, then Trump and Pence gotta get married. Wait. But why are you going at my thinks? What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about, married? I'm talking about the law, John. You don't have to testify against your spouse.

And I know what I'm talking about. I watch all the law and orders, even the bad spin-offs. OK, okay, but still, th th th th th th th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. theea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. tha. tha. tha. W. tha about. I watch all the law and orders, even the bad spinoffs. Okay, okay, but still, how can they be married? They hate each other. All married people hate each other. It's not like hating your spouse would be a big adjustment for Trump. Hell, Malani would be so happy to Trump's getting married to pets. She'd walk him down the aisle herself. And also, let's just be real about this try and

marriage, they do, Melania, go out there Donna. And also, let's just be real about this, John. What? Trump and pets get married. They might just end up hitting it off. Maybe they fall in love. Maybe they adopt a child together. The kid grows up to be the whitest kid in history.

A kid, a kid so white, he can gentrify a building just by touching it. I'm talking about, talking about super white. I'm talking about a kid so white that he don't even have to go to Coachella. around him. He just... You just... Right, right. Right, right. You summon Coachella. Come on, come on, come on. Focus, focus, please. My brother, please.

Sorry, I'm sorry, man. It's just all so white, all these white-ass cases. Look, man, I've got to go, dog. I need to do something black to rebalance myself. I'll holl you. Hey, can somebody deny me a bank loan? How you doing, sir? Hey! Thank you, Roy. Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.

Explore more shows from the Daily Show from the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a comedy central podcast. Survivor 47 is here which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on Fire and this season we are joined by Fan Favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm

excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47th. Listen to On Fire the official Survivor podcast.