The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Taylor Swift Ticket Fiasco Goes to Congress | The Best of Wanda Sykes

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

Wanda Sykes had a lot to dive into as guest-host: classified documents, Swifties taking on Ticketmaster in Congress, the over-ticketing of poor communities, mummies, and more.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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setting the black race back 50 years. You know those two. Trump held meetings with them, he'd invite them to the over office. He would point at them and say'd invite them to the Oval Office, he would point at them and say, see, black people love me. Well, sadly Diamond passed away a few days ago. Yeah, and Silk said that she wanted Trump to speak at the funeral because the three of them were so close. At least Silk thought the three of them were close, until Trump started to speak.

You know, the world has lost one of its brightest stars, real star, but I see that we have another star who was equal to, but she stepped up and she is different. I'm serious. I thought I knew them both. I didn't. I knew Diamond, but I didn't know Silk at all. I just learned about silk. You're fantastic. You're going to carry on beyond, beyond anybody's wildest imagination. Oh my God, I mean, it's like Trump showed up to that funeral like, diamonds dead, but I'm going to bury silk silk. Oh yeah, there's room for two in that casket. I mean, come on, to say you know diamond but don't know silk is wild,

because they're always together. Like, that's like saying, I know Bert, but I've never heard this Ernie fella. What's his deal? You know, I thought Sister Sister was just called Sister. Knowing Trump, he probably only has room for one black woman in his brain at a time. If he turns on the TV right now, he'll be like, wow, Diamond's hosting the Daily Show. You know?

You know, a week ago, she was dead, but thanks to me, she's risen. Word, mummy is being canceled. Museums are choosing to go with different terms, largely because of the pop culture view, which tends to portray mummies as a monster. So, CNN says more museums are choosing to go with the term mummified person to restore the person's humanity. I quit, wait a minute. Let's be clear right off the back.

Mummies aren't monsters. It's only a monster when it gets the fuck up. It's just a mummy. Monster. But yes, they want us to be respectful. The correct usage is mummified persons. As in, why the hell do half our senators look like mummified persons? If you ask me, the museums are making a big mistake here.

Having a monster in the museum is the only thing that gets kids in the door. You think kids are coming to see them old-ass bowls? No! They're coming to see them, Mommy! This weekend, the Church of England announced that it will now allow its clergy to bless same-sex marriages. But they're still not going to allow the actual wedding to happen in the church. But to be honest, this is also how I feel about any destination wedding.

I ain't gonna be there, but good for y'all. Well, I don't know how your 2023 is going, but it has not been going well for President Joe Biden. Just when we were ready to move on to the next scandal, the FBI searched his house for 13 hours on Friday, and they found even more classified documents. At this point, the FBI is just declutoring Biden's house form. They're like Marie Condo going around his rooms like, this list of spies does not spark joy.

No, but honestly, this doesn't bother me at all. I mean, come on, the man has been in public office for 238 years. I bet you most of the shit he has isn't even classified anymore. You read his notes and it's like, keep an eye on this Hitler guy. It's just history now. It's just history now. It's just history now. They're teaching this stuff in schools. Well, not in Florida, but you know. By the way, some of you might not know, but before doing stand-up, I worked at NSA for seven years.

Yeah, it's true. I had a top-secret clearance and everything. Take me for my service, damn it. So I gotta say, this story has me a little concern, you know, I'm sitting here thinking, damn, what is in my garage? I put that back, right? Yeah, yeah, I put that back, I put that back. But in Biden's defense, at least he is cooperating with the FBI searches, right?

In fact, he's been so cooperative. It makes me wondering, like, is he hoping they do work around the house for him? You know, it's Biden like, uh, you know, fellas, I think I have some documents up in the gutters. You might need to clear the leaves out first. I know Jill would love that. She loved that. Speaking of Mike Pence, guess what they just found at his house? Yes, classified documents. Yes, him too. First Trump, then Biden, now Mike Pence? You know, at some point, the FBI is just going to have to be like, okay, I'm going to close my eyes and count to 10.

And if they're classified documents on this table when I open them, no one gets in trouble. Facebook and Instagram are ending the two-year ban they imposed on Donald Trump after January 6th and allowing the former president back on their sites. I mean letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy. You're just asking for trouble. It's like letting Hannibal Lecter babysit your most delicious child. But Facebook is putting it back online anyway, because they say that, quote,

the public should be able to hear what their politicians are saying. And to that, let me say, quote, Foley. Look, we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money, and they want that Trump. me say, quote, fooie. Look, we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money and they want that Trump attention back. They need a hit. Trump is their white lotus. Right? I mean, he's the Jennifer Coolidge of the internet.

Yeah, I'm fun. Yeah, I'm fun. Look, but I think maybe for the first week, they should just allow him to only post cat photos, you know, let's see how it goes. If you see a bunch of cat storm in the capital, though adorable, they should just allow him to only post cat photos, you know. Let's see how it goes. If you see a bunch of cat storm in the Capitol, although adorable, shut it down. Finally, there's something that Republicans and Democrats seem united on and it's this, the Taylor Swift ticket fiasco. Today on Capitol Hill, senators held a hearing to examine the lack of competition in the ticketing industry. The bipartisan hearing comes in the ticket fiasco. Today on Capitol Hill, senators held a hearing to examine the lack of competition in the ticketing industry. The bipartisan hearing comes in the wake of a technology breakdown

on the ticketmaster website during the pre-sale for Taylor Swift's upcoming tour. Super fans, known as Swifties, faced hours long wait times and website crashes. I just really wanted to see Taylor. I'm not getting to see Taylor. I'm not getting tickets. Shame on you, Ticketmaster. Look what you did to these emotional young people. Hey, you know what? It's about time someone held Ticketmaster accountable. And the Swifties are the only ones who can get this done.

They're the most politically organized group in America. Yeah, it goes Swifties, the Teamsters, and somewhere way all the way down the list is the Democrats. You know, these hearings are so popular. I bet Ticketmaster screwed up tickets to that too. You got kids outside crying, I'm the Senate's biggest fan! I just wanted to see Dick Durbin! But ultimately, there's only one way to fix this problem.

Get rid of online ticket sales. Go back to waiting online in person out in the cold. Make people earn that shit like we used to. You're not a real fan unless getting a ticket gave you hypothermia. Hey, I almost lost two toes just to see Johnny Gill. And I'll do it again, damn it. The 2023 Oscar nominations were announced this morning. Yeah.

And if you're wondering how they picked the nominees this year, they basically just went, hmm, let's see, who's not going to slap nobody? That's my pick. Now, as usual, there was good news and bad news. Good news, Michelle Yell became the first Asian woman nominated for best actress. But bad news, no women were nominated for Best Director. Yeah, but remember, they gave it to Jane Campion last year.

So I guess this year they thought, eh, that's your whole U Brods for the next 50 years. And personally, I'm a big Woody Harrison fan, so I was happy to see some nominations for a Triangle of Sadness. Yeah. Which is not just a good movie, it's also what Mike Pence calls a vagina. We're coming up on 11 months since the Kremlin Grimlin invaded. And now, the Ukrainian military is getting some major reinforcements. The announcement came this morning. The United States and Germany will both be sending tanks to Ukraine.

Ukraine has been desperate to get tanks as Russia prepares for a spring offensive. And this morning, it looks like more than a dozen German tanks will be on their way soon with as 100 to follow with the US expected to send more than 30 Abrams tanks. Ukraine wants the advanced German tanks as soon as possible. As for those Abrams tanks, the only issue is they will not likely arrive for at least a year. A year? Oh, come on, U.S. Ukraine is fighting for its life, and America is like, all right, the delivery window is from June to December. Make sure you're home.

I'll tell you, that damn Lewis DeJoy has really messed up the post office. He's got to go. Now, the reason it took so long to send these tanks is that Germany didn't want to send tanks alone. They wanted another country to send tanks with them because, you know, it's not a great look just when it's a German tanks rolling across Europe. Kind of makes people nervous. I think it should have been Sweden. Yeah.

And they send tanks to Ukraine and Russia. Okay, hear me out, hear me out. And then Sweden, do that thing you do where you send the tanks in parts with a diagram for assembly number. Yeah. Yeah. See, that would bring the countries together, because no one couldn't assemble that shit on their own. You know, Ukraine to be like, hey Russia, do you have an extra one of those wooden,

Peggy thingies? FDA has some good news for babies. And if there are any babies out there watching, what you're doing? Go to the tank. See, see, see, see, see, see? See, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. FDA has some good news for babies and if there are any babies out there watching, what you doing? Go to the baby. And also, your food's about to taste a lot less like pennies. In tonight's health watch, we have important information for parents about baby food. The FDA today proposed new levels for lead in baby food, cutting the allowable level by about 25% to 20 parts per billion or less. Now that would apply to baby foods made with fruits, vegetables, and dry cereals, but not cereal puff and teething biscuits, which have been

found to have some of the highest lead levels. The author of a 2019 report that found dangerous levels of lead in nearly 95% of manufactured baby food says the FDA's proposals don't go far enough to protect children. But at least now you know. But at least now you know? Is that a thing? Is this how you break bad news to people now? Hey, remember that bump I thought was a thing? Is this how you break bad news to people now? Hey, remember that bump I thought was a spider bite? Well, it's herpes, but at least now you know. Across America, police are handing out 112,000 speeding tickets every day.

Yeah, that's a lot of tickets. I'm like, where do they find the time to shoot people? And those tickets aren't going away anytime soon because these fines aren't just to punish you. It turns out local governments need that money to keep the lights on. Traffic stops aren't always about safety or hunting contraband or crime. Some cities use traffic stops to raise money. The cities and counties that are trying to use these schemes, trying to use these fines and fees to balance their budget, are basically charging a backdoor tax to poor people.

In the south, municipalities strapped for cash have been targeting the most vulnerable citizens. We're primarily black and living under the poverty line. In Missouri, some of these municipalities generate anywhere from 20 to 40% of their total revenue by finding citizens. That's right. These cities are filling their budgets on the backs of poor people. Yeah. So the next time a cop asked, do you know why I pulled you over? You can be like, let me guess, the mail wants a standing desk? And getting fine is bad enough.

But then they tack on a bunch of extra fees, payment plan fees, collection fees. One county even has a $51 processing fee. So it costs you $51 to give me a $30 ticket. How about you not giving me the ticket, and you just saved yourself $21? And let's say, and let's say you're like a lot of people, and don't have all this money just laying around. Well, in 14 states, your ass might be going to jail.

Yeah, you heard me right. 14 states will send you to jail for being poor. And if you want to know what states those are, it's probably the ones you're thinking of. And guess what? You could come out of jail own even more because they actually charge you another fee for going to jail. Like, that's so messed up. thup. thup up. thup up. thup thup. thup. tho. tho. thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi thi thi 14 thi 14 thi 14 thi 14 thi 14 thi 14 thi 14 thi 14 thi thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14, thi. 14, thi. 14, thi. 14 thi. 14 to to to to to to toa. 14 to toa. 14 thi. 14 toa. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 thi. 14 ththey actually charge you another fee for going to jail. That's so messed up. Wait, wait a minute.

I'm in jail because I couldn't pay. And now you're charging me more for being in jail. You know I couldn't pay? That's why I was here in the first place. What, do you think I hit the lottery while I was in jail? But you know what? It doesn't have to be this way. A lot of other countries never find you more than you can afford. They find you based on your income. This makes it more fair, since billionaires aren't paying the same fines

as people who work at the dollar store. And if you're thinking, that must lead to some expensive-ass tickets, you'd be right. A man in Finland got caught speeding and boy did he have to pay up. Listen to this. A Finnish millionaire got a 58,000 dollar fine for going 64 miles per hour in a 50 zone. While that seems kind of crazy here, over in Finland, speeding tickets are based on your income. The highest ticket so far was $103,000 a ticket given to a Nokia executive who made roughly $14 million that year.

I tell you what, we did that here, that will make me start putting those quarters in the parking meter. Look, if the ticket is meant to punish you, it should feel like a punishment. $30 for a rich person is not a punishment. Rich people don't even know money goes that low. If you ask Jeff Baisos for $30, he'll be like, do I just rip a corner off of this $100 bill? So long story short, stop using poor people as your little take a penny jar, especially over small shit. If anything, we should be doing the opposite.

I propose every highway should have a broke lane. I propose a broke lane. Do what you want to do in the broke lane. Busted tail a light, expired registration, dangling muffle, who cares? You get hauled ass in the broke lane because you got to get from your second job to your third job. I don't care, do whatever it takes. But if you get caught in the broke lane, talking about, well, I'm trying to get to my squash game at the country club. Then the officer can say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to to to to to to to to to to to my squash game at the country club. Then the officer can say,

Ooh, I'm gonna have to tase you. And the electricity has a $51 processing fee. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.