The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Tucker Carlson Files

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

Who is Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson, and why doesn’t he have more than one facial expression? Here’s how Tucker Carlson went from entitled aristocrat to former Fox News superhero.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. What makes a legendary journalist? Gravitas. . their thi.

Eye so piercing they can give you a nose ring. No, it's adaptability. And no one's better at that than Tucker Carlson. Man of a thousand faces, but also somehow only one face. Tucker, Swanson, McNeer, Carlson. His father was a journalist and U.S US ambassador to the Seychelles, a popular vacation spot for people's money. His stepmom was an heiress to Swanson Frozen Foods,

a heritage he still pays tribute to with his trademark frozen facial expressions. He has a brother, Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson. You don't really need to know anything about him, but how about those names, huh? Others might have tried to downplay their wealth, but downplaying was never Tucker's style. Well I'm like extraordinarily loaded just from like money I've you know inherited. I've never needed to work. He didn't need to work. We could be living in a world where Tucker, Bronson, McChad Carlson, isn't on TV every night. But luckily for America, that didn't happen. After college, Tucker took his talents to journalism, rising to prominence as the liberal's

favorite conservative. Everyone liked him. He seemed normal and unwhite supremacisty. Tucker, Swan Lake, M. Nordstrom Carlson took that palatable conservatism to CNN and PBS, eventually becoming the perpetually bow-tied co-host of CNN's crossfire. There he helped steer cable news away from meaningful discourse and more towards people shouting talking points at each other, like a housewives reunion. It was going great until one day when a comedy central extremist infiltrated the set and wrecked havoc.

You're a partisan, what do you call it, hacks? Now this is theater. I mean, it's obvious. No, no, how old are you? 35. And you wear a bow tie. Yeah, I do. After surviving that ugly attack, Tucker made the difficult decision to move on. Desperate times called for desperate tuckers. So the butterfly emerged from yet another cocoon and flew to MSNBC, where he was both respected and likable. Someone you could definitely trust, like Matt Lauer. You know who his pals with him back then?

Rachel Madow. It's weird to see now, like Emperor Palpatine going to brunch with Baby Yoda. Carlson's low-rated MSNBC gig didn't last long, but his personal brand only grew stronger. He was not going to rest until the world knew all 36 of his names. Having flunked out of TV twice, Tucker Seamus McDuck Carlson began rebuilding his journalism career by working with one of radio's most respected broadcasters. Bba the Love Spunge, where he was able to channel his inner shock jock. I love women, but they're extremely primitive. You're talking to a feminist, and she's giving you, you know, well, you know, men really

need to be more sensitive and just, you know, actually, you just need to be quiet and kind of do what you're told. I'm not defending underage marriage at all. I just don't think it's the same thing exactly as pulling a child from a bus stop and sexually assaulting that child. The rapist in this case has made a lifelong commitment to live and take care of the person. So it is a little different. Rock is a crappy place filled with a bunch of, you know, semi-literate, Keep the monk in Canada that called them our retarded cousin. She just does seem a little f-citty. Yeah, you said it, I'm just agreeing with it. One thing couldn't be denied.

Tucker Carlson said all that, out loud, on purpose, knowing other people would hear him. Plenty of people would be proud to coast on calling women the C word, but not Tucker. In 2010, he remade himself yet again as the public intellectual behind the new website, the Daily Caller. Soon he was ready for his most important role yet. Fox News superhero. Tucker, Vanderpump McRib Carlson was home. And this time, he became something completely new, a man of the people.

Democrats have become the party of the elite professional class, eager to lecture you about open borders, global warming from their gated communities. The most privileged people in our society shouting down at Trump's voters. Damn you working class Americans, you must need to be quiet. Doctor, you went to the elite schools of this country. I did, I did. We should focus on is major. It was the performance of a lifetime, an aristocrat who spent his entire adult life working in media, acting as if he had just crawled out of the coal mines and sat in front of a TV camera.

And Carlson wasn't afraid to use his new clout to uplift the most need neede to us us us us us us us us us us us us us us to to up up up up up up up up up to uplift the most needy among us, people who hate immigrants. Our leaders worship multiculturalism because all cultures are equal, except they're not all equal. Our civilization is superior, and we need to defend it. Latin American countries are forcing demographic change on this country to rate that American voters consistently say they don't want. We have a moral obligation to admit the world's poor, they tell us, even if it makes our own country poorer and dirtier and more divided. Isn't it crowding your country the fastest way to despoil it, to

pollute it? Tucker's swamp thing McRuff Carlson was like a beautiful reverse statue of liberty, telling everyone to get their tired huddle masses out of here. But any Fox News host could hate immigrants. thu them did. So Tucker up to the ante. How precisely is diversity or strength? Do you get along better with your neighbors or your coworkers if you can't understand each other or share no common values? White supremacy, that's the problem.

This is a hoax. This may be a lot of things, this moment we're living through. But it is definitely not about black lives. And remember that when they come for you and at this rate they will. We have every right to fight to preserve our nation and our heritage and our culture. In the skull of the African here, the area associated with submissiveness is larger than any human or any other subhuman species on planet Earth. Tucker was on fire like a cross on a black family's lawn. But as 2021 began, he was once again restless for a change. So Carlson put on yet another hat,

this time made of tinfoil. Democrats rigged the election in front of all of us, and nobody did anything about it. And what about this vaccine? Why are Americans being discouraged from asking simple, straightforward questions about it. And what about this vaccine? Why are Americans being discouraged from asking simple straightforward questions about it? Questions like how effective are these drugs? Are they safe? And by the way, how much of the drug companies making off this stuff? The Biden's affection is totally real.

It's in no way part of a slick PR campaign devised by cynical consultants determined to hide the president's senility by misdirection? Not at all! Their love is as real as clai as as as as as as as as as thiiiiii as thiiiiaaa-as thia-a-a-a-a, to to to to toa, toa, to, to, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions, thi, questions, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi.. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi, thi. thi. to thi. to to to thi. tooi. tooi. tooi. thi. toe thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to hide the president's senility by misdirection. Not at all. Their love is as real as climate change. A little nuts? Well, maybe. But unlike the moon landing or a 44-year marriage, you can't fake ratings like this. And while yes, at least one person did sue for defamation, a judge dismissed the case on the grounds that any reasonable viewer knows that even things Tucker says

are facts are not actual facts. So whatever the future holds for him, one thing we know is that Tucker, Severus McFly Carlson, will do it with a smile or whatever's going on there. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, the weekly show we're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. Now, the big story that I want to talk about is all the drama and news media.

Apparently, everyone at GMA is fucking the same guy. But these days, the most scandalous place in TV news is Fox News. Now you're probably thinking, Fox News, oh shit, they're still out here smashing in these streets calling women hags. Nope. Those days are over. They're dealing with this. Cumbersome, ugly hardware. These are voting machines made by Dominion, who no one had ever heard of until Fox put them at the center of a mass conspiracy. Fox said, Dominion stole the election with these R2-D2-look-janitor cars. And now, Dominion is suing Fox for 1.6 billion dollars. And the election with these R2D2-looking janitor cars. And now, Dominion is suing Fox for $1.6 billion, and the lawsuit is airing out Rupert Murdoch's dirty laundry.

There is breaking news tonight involving Fox News and owner, Rupert Murdoch, acknowledging under oath that Fox News hosts endorsed false election fraud claims. It's a candid admission from Fox News boss Rupert Murdoch about how his network handled Donald Trump's lie about the 2020 election. Murdoch acknowledging, quote, some of our commentators were endorsing false claims that the election was somehow stolen from former President Trump. Explosive newly revealed testimony in the Dominion voting system's lawsuit.

Shocking new revelations, new bombshell admissions under oath. Oh, is it a bombshell? Is it, is it shocking? Is it explosive? What? Fox knew the election wasn't stolen, but they said it anyways? That's not shocking. If Brian Kilmede ever completed a wordle, that would be shocking.

Now, I'm not shocked. But I will say, I am very entertained. Because of this lawsuit, a bunch of Fox News host had to release their text messages. And y'all know this. You know this. There's LinkedIn you. And then there's I message you. That's the deep, dark, underbelly of who you really are.

And boy, oh boy, were these eye messages good. New court filings show that in private, Fox hosts Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingram, and Sean Hannity were brutally ridiculing the claims of election fraud and the people who were making them. Top Fox hosts privately trashed the the the the tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra tra. tra.the people who were making them. Top Fox host privately trashed the Trump legal team for lying. As Tucker Carlson texted Laura Ingram, Sidney Powell is lying. It's insane. Ingram responded, Sydney is a complete nut. Tucker Carlson referred to Donald Trump as a demonic force. The private mockery also targeted Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani. Sean Hannity wrote Giuliani is acting like an insane person. While

Ingram remarked, such an idiot. Oh my God. Do you realize what this means? These people are secretly sane. They also don't respect anyone they have on their show. These guys are texting each other all day about how bullshit Fox News is. Their group chat is basically MSNBC. But out of everything we learned about Fox News, there was one text that came out in discovery that truly freaked me out. It's when Tucker Carlson said Fox News had to be more supportive of Donald Trump's election claims.

Tucker Carlson wrote his producer Alex Pfeiffer. Do the executives understand how much credibility and trust we've lost with our audience? We're playing with fire for real. An alternative like Newsmax could be devastating to us. Do you understand what he's saying here? He's saying if I don't say this bullshit my viewers will leave me. This whole time we thought Fox News was manipulating its viewers but it turns out the viewers were manipulating Fox News. So just think of it like this, okay?

Tucker Carlson is a moral vacuum. A hole, if you will, who glorifies election deniers. So, a glory hole. And his viewers expect him to please them with his mouth. And he's constantly terrified that they'll find a new, more satisfying Gloryholt. And that's why Tucker Carlson will never stop sucking. This is the Daily Show, so let's talk about Fox News. They're dealing with a big lawsuit right now, and because of it, a bunch of Fox News hosts had to give up all their private texts.

So we've been finding out what they really think about Donald Trump. And it's hilarious. According to court documents, host Tucker Carlson texted a producer on January 4, 2021. We are very, very close to being able to ignore Trump most nights. Referring to Trump, Carlson says, I hate him passionately. I can't handle much more of this. Carlson added, we're all pretending we've got a lot to show for it because admitting what a disaster it's been is too tough to digest.

But come on, there really isn't an upside to Trump. Oh, ooh, that's fighting words, oh! Why don't white crime, let's go! All right, I know this looks bad, but their makeup sex is going to be so much hotter. You know, this is so embarrassing for Fox News if they want to keep their shit quiet they should do what the crack dealers do. Use a pay phone. Yo it's Tucker listen black lives matter. They really do. All right hit me back on my burner. I'm enjoying this, though. I have never seen someone's private text that was so opposite from their public persona. This is like finding out Nikki Haley has a black sin.

She got texts like, oh hell no, y'all ain't coming at Nimrodder like that. Sorry, boo-boo. Let's begin with Fox News, which yesterday agreed to pay $787.5 million for saying Dominion Voting Machines help Joe Biden steal the election. Although, now that more details of the settlement have come out, it turns out it's not all bad news for Fox. The deal, sparing Fox from what would have been a very high profile trial with some of the network's own stars likely testify. Dominion's

legal team says there will be no on-air apologies or retractions on Fox News. In a statement the network is saying this settlement reflects Fox's continued commitment to the highest journalistic standards. That's right. High journalistic standards like this. The Green M&M daughter Bootsback, but apparently is now a lesbian, maybe? Yeah. Look, I'm happy for Dominion. But Dominion was not the only injured party here.

What about, you know, our faith in democracy? There are people who will not trust elections for the rest of their lives. And I have to talk to those people. I'm going to be arguing with them at Trump rallies every four years for the rest of my life. And you know what? I'm not naive. I didn't expect this lawsuit to restore our country's faith in elections or even for me to get a little cashola. No. But I was at least hoping to get a couple weeks of joy out of seeing Sean Hannity up there on the stand sweating through his shirt like a beach

manate. Would that have saved democracy? I don't know but it would have been nice to see. We're not going to get any of that. They don't even even th. T th. T th. T th. T th. T th. to even even even to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to get a to get a to get a to get a to get a to get a to to get a to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the nice to see. We're not going to get any of that. They don't even have to apologize on air. And frankly, we deserve that, bare minimum. Yes, you deserve that. And you know what? If the settlement won't give it to you, then I shall. There is much fallout this evening, and there will be for months. We are admitting that we lied to you for saying the wrong things about the 2020 election.

Now why is that? Well the truth is Donald Trump lost the election. And no, we didn't tell you because we don't care what you think. Now we have to pay hundreds of millions of dollars. We were wrong. We are completely irresponsible and we're sorry America. I'm sorry for repeating something that was untrue. I'm sorry. I just got to take a quick break and go cry in a closet while squeezing a stuffed animal. Thank you, Tucker. Well, sir.

Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. All right, let's move on to the big story

rocking the media world today. You know that stupid look that's always on Tucker Carlson's face? Well, today, he has a good reason for it. Tucker Carlson's face. Well, today he has a good reason for it. This just in to CNN. Tucker Carlson is out at Fox News. The right-wing network just announced the two have parted ways. CNN senior meter reported Oliver Darcy is here with more on this. What are you learning? He was out on Friday.

Will we see him say goodbye? We're not gonna see him say goodbye. This is really stunning news coming from Fox. They say his last show was April 21st. They put out a very short statement. They say they thank him for his service. And that's it. That's all we know right now. Wow. Wow. I can't believe that a network that network network network network network network network network that a network that a network that a network that's that's that a network that a network that a network that's that a network that a network that's so opposed to gender-affirming surgery

just cut off their own dick. Now apparently Tucker was forced out by Rupert Murdoch, which is pretty ironic. Tucker spent so many years saying that Mexican people were coming to take our jobs away. Turns out he should have been worrying about Australians. And we still don't know exactly what led Rupert Murdoch to fire his network's biggest star, but reportedly he was concerned over Carlson's conspiracy theories about January 6. So let this be a lesson to everybody. If you try to tople America's democracy, you can't tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha to to to tha, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thea to to to to to too-aq. tooom-aq, too-aq, too-aq, too-a, to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be their, t. the, the, t. the, the, the, the. the. the. thea, thea, tf. tf. tf. tf. tf. tf. tf. tf. today, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to everybody. If you try to topple America's democracy, you can stay on TV for two more years and that's it. That's it. But whatever the reason was, Tucker's firing is going to leave a huge white power vacuum at Fox.

And I'm glad he's gone. But if I'm being honest, I'm also a little nervous about what he's going to do next, you know? It's like after Papa John got fired, you just knew he was out there somewhere working on a pizza that gives you even worse diarrhea. By the way, Tucker Carlson isn't the only cable news anchor to get the acts. CNN just fired Don Lemon after 17 New Year's Eve blackouts. Sorry, years of service. So it's been a tough day to be a news anchor on cable.

Sorry, sorry, what's that? Oh, I'm also being fired. Oh, that was fast. Okay. Guess I'll pack up my things. Stapler, scissors. Yeah, my photos. Oh, my giant fish. My tripahs.

The box is too small. Call me a girly girl. You would f-this. I just got here. I'm finishing this out. Finish this show. Yesterday, Carlson got fired from his job at Fox News, and it was a huge surprise to everyone, including Tucker. Apparently, they only told him 10 minutes before announcing it publicly, which is so cold.

I mean, that's barely enough time to pack up all his Nazi memorabilia. Not to mention, he was Fox's most popular anchor, and they still fired him. That'd be like if MSNBC fired, well, like, imagine if there was a show people watched on MSNBC, it would be like firing them. And look, I know people love making fun of Tucker, but just put yourself in his shoes. Say you're this massive piece of shit with no real friends, and you got a giggle-me-elmo and a dumb, floppy haircut and you always have your mouth hanging open like you're dry in your teeth. I forgot where I was going with this.

Oh, Tucker's an asshole. Now we still don't know exactly what got Tucker fired. Maybe it was election lies that cost Fox News $787 million. Maybe it was insulting his bosses in private text. Maybe it was his overall vibe of creepy dad driving the babysitter home. Or maybe it was this. The Daily Beast reports that Tucker's repeated use of the Sea Word was a key factor in his demise.

According to text messages from the Dominion lawsuit, Tucker referred to Trump lawyer Sidney Powell as the Sea Word, and a former producer at his show alleges she heard the word around the office constantly. Female politicians who came on the show were mocked. There were debates about who they'd rather sleep with. Sea word all the time. They use the Sea Word all the time? Like, how do you use the sea word at the office all tie the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the soeaseaseaseaseaseaseaseaseaseaseasease askewoom. the time. They use the sea word all the time? Like, how do you use the sea word at the office all the time?

Oh, Susan's taking lunch orders? Tell that k-k'n'n'l' I'll just have a k-k'k' sa'k' sa'k'k' hold the k'k'k'k. You know what, do you want to share a k'k'k'k? For the audience at home, I know that just got bleeped. I just said the word, ****. But you know what? You know what? You know what?

It's okay. Tucker's allowed to say the sea word because he is one. tocker's allowed to say the sea word because he is one. Let's kick things off with Tucker Carlson, the world's most unemployed boat shoe. No one's heard from Tucker since his surprise firing on Monday, except the pillow he's been screaming into. And it turns out there may be a good reason for that. Fox News executives reportedly have a dossier of dirt on him.

Yeah, to keep him from attacking the network. That's right. They apparently have him saying the most vile things you can imagine. And the way they compiled it, and this is genius, is by turning on his television show and pressing record. Very sneaky Fox. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcasts by searching the pressing record. Very sneaky, Fox. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes

anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official Survivor Podcast on Fire, and this season we are joined by Fan Favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you

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