The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Unraveling of Rudy Giuliani

Episode Date: August 2, 2023

How did Rudy Giuliani go from son of a small-time criminal to “America’s Mayor” to the best – and possibly last – friend Donald Trump ever had? See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday?

I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. One of the central figures in yesterday's January 6th hearing was Rudy Giuliani. The one man who didn't abandon President Trump's dreams of re-election just because he had already lost the election. But how did Giuliani become the fearless, ask Hissa we know today? Well, that's the subject of our latest, daily showography. What makes a great leader? Is it courage, compassion, charisma?

Or is it an integrity and confidence that just leaks out of their pores? A calming strength that drips from every orifice, and the way they give their blood, sweat, and other bodily fluids to make the world a better place. Since the 2016 election, Rudy Giuliani has been a national leader, spreading his patriotic message at political rally. Landscaping company parking lots and arenas across this great nation. America!

But how did he become the man and or man-like creature he is today? This is the daily showography of Rudy Giuliani, oozing greatness. Rudolph William Lewis Giuliani was born in 1944 in East Flatbush, New York. His father was an alleged mob enforcer who did time at Sing Sing for armed robbery. He would tell me, never take anybody else's money, make sure you always pay for things. I mean, he wanted to make sure that I didn't make the same mistakes that he believed he had made. It was an inspiring message from a father. Come up with your own original crimes.

And he would. To keep Rudy away from New York City's criminal element, the family moved to the suburbs. I can remember as a youngster that my father would sometimes threaten me with putting me in public schools if my behavior didn't improve. And that was a very frightening thought, but I was a product of Catholic education. And it instilled in me from a very early age a desire to be a priest. That's right, Giuliani almost became a man of the cloth instead of a man of sweaty handkerchiefs. Ultimately, he chose not to pursue the priesthood, deciding instead to marry his childhood sweetheart, who also happened to be his second cousin.

And while today that may be seen as weird, back then it was seen as super gross. After graduating law school, Giuliani began his meteoric career. Quickly rising to the third highest position at President Reagan's Justice Department. He was the youngest person ever to hold the job, but he was already sporting the combover of a man twice his age. Soon, Rudy was U-was the U the U th th thi thi thi was U thi was U thi thi was U thi was U thi was U thi was U, thi thi was U, thi thi thi thi thi to tooes to to to to to to hold the job, but he was already sporting the combover of a man twice his age.

Soon, Rudy was U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York. Rudy wasn't afraid to take on criminals, or to give lots of press conferences about how he took on criminals. Well, I think five or six or seven years ago, nobody would believe it was possible to convict the head of the Sicilian Mafia have him sitting in the Metropolitan Correction Center. He loved the camera and the camera just wanted to be friends. But soon, taking credit for arrest wasn't enough. He had to pretend to make the arrests himself. I bought Crack. I had a female DEA agent who's like theoretically my date and we went up and we purchased a crack in Washington Heights. Now that's what I call going undercover.

Tell me you don't think he smoked crack before picking out that outfit. With his crime-fighting career burning hotter than totally normal lust between second cousins, Rudy set his sights on elected office. He first ran for Mayor of New York in 1989, but he didn't quite have the name recognition he needed to win. I would like to commend a Republican candidate, Rudolph Gielani, Rudy. Sorry about that. Wow, tough break for Rudy Geophiliuni.

Four years later, Rudy tried again, and this time he had the perfect foil to rally his voters against. New York's first black mayor. Denouncing David Dinkins is soft on crime, Giuliani led off-duty police officers in a peaceful protest to... But then, minutes later, thousands of cops stormed through the barricades and ran on top of cars as they charged the stairs of City Hall. Okay, it was a peaceful-ish protest. At least typing up a crowd to storm a government building would be good practice for him.

So through sheer charisma and just a little hint of police intimidation, he finally became Mayor Giohani. Sorry, Giuliani. Over the next decade, Giuliani took New York City from a gutter toilet of violence and sex and piss and turned it into a clean, safe utopia with ample magazine jobs that allowed young women to live in giant apartments with walk-in closets and so many shoes. Under Giuliani, the New York Police Department pioneered some of the most iconic anti-crime tactics of the era, like stop and frisk, broken windows policing, sexual assault with a broom handle, and shooting

an innocent guy so many times, Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about it. 41 shots, Elena gets a song ready for school. And Giuliani didn't just go after criminals. He went after all poor people, in the most hilarious ways. Look at you, lying there like that. Don't you have any dignity? Lying on your butt all day, collecting welfare? Yeah, I think he was still buying crack.

Giuliani was bringing glamour back to New York City, and if he was making a few enemies, he was also making some good friends. You know, you're really beautiful. Oh, you dirty boy, you... Oh! Finally, Rudy found a disguise that managed to fool someone dumber than a crack dealer. By now, Giuliani was ready to shake things up. He dumped his second wife at a press conference without, to to to to to to to to to toldni to toldnomer to toldnomer to to to to told their their their their their their their their their to glamure to glamour back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back to to umber than a crack dealer. By now, Giuliani was ready to shake things up. He dumped his second wife at a press conference without telling her first.

In many ways, we've grown to live independent and separate lives. Leaving her to respond with her own statement about how he was a cheating hoe. For several years, it was difficult to participate in Rudy's public life because of his relationship with one staff member. Rudy moved out of the mayor's mansion and crashed with some friends, a gay couple in their pet shitsu while running a losing Senate race against Hillary Clinton. Honestly, his life was a lot simpler when he was just banging his cousin. And then, just as his term was coming to an end, Rudy Giuliani found himself right where he needed to be.

Tomorrow, New York is going to be here, and we're going to rebuild, and we're going to be stronger than we were before. 9-11 gave Rudy his big promotion to America's mayor. America! And that's when the party started. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, the Honorable Rudolf Giuliani. Yes, no one rose to greater prominence after 9-11 than Rudy Giuliani, except maybe Bin Laden. By 2008, Giuliani was finally

confident enough to admit he was bald and to make a play for the highest office in the land. Rudy is in. America's mayor now wants to be America's president. Anyway, he came in six in Iowa and was out of the race by February. By the time the 2016 election year came around, Giuliani had realized he didn't need to be president. He could just be friends with one. It was a win-win friendship. Trump gave Rudy the power he was longing for,

and Rudy made Trump look attractive by comparison. As Trump's BFF, Rudy was really thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi was really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really the the power he was longing for, and Rudy made Trump look attractive by comparison. As Trump's BFF, Rudy was really going places, even if he didn't always seem to know where he was. From the top to the bottom, from the middle to the side. The next four years were a whirlwind of campaigning, lawyering, cheerleading, extorting, treasoning, and insurrectioning. By the time it was over, Giuliani lost his law license, several gallons of hair dye, a variety of electronic devices seized by the FBI, and most of all, his dignity. Hi, it's Rudy Giuliani, and I'm on cameo.

In a pay for play scheme. Hey, Giuliani, fuck you! But Rudy is still easing on, enjoying life to the fullest, maybe even too much. I don't think I've ever done an interview drunk. I have sometimes. I mean, I drink normally. I like scotch. I drink scotch.

So you do not believe that you have a drinking problem? I know. I don't. I know Prince Andrew is very questionable now. I never went out with him. Never had a drink with him, never with a woman or a young girl with him. Ever, ever, ever. One time I met him in my office and one time when we had the party, right, Bernie? You were there. Yes, whether he's standing

tall through 9-11 or a blood alcohol level of 9-11, Rudy Giuliani is a born leader, making his mark wherever he goes, one that no stain or anything can ever take away. John Stewart here, unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show, the weekly show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. The Trump campaign held a press conference to challenge the election results at four seasons total landscaping in Northeast Philadelphia. Some people suspect the campaign intended to reserve the four seasons hotel, but accidentally booked this landscaping company,

located between a crematorium and a sex toy store. Trump's lawyer Rudy Giuliani was speaking when he was told the election had been called for Biden. What was it called by? All the networks! Wow! All the networks! No, guys, cover, how is this real? How is this real? How are you going to hold a press conference at a landscaping warehouse between a crematorium and a sex toy store? I mean, as a general

rule, if you're ever out declaring war, you don't want to do it 20 feet from a dildo. Although, I mean, in some ways, it makes sense. Because if you ask people what's halfway between a pawn shop and a crematorium, they'd probably say Rudy Giuliani. And by the way, I have a feeling that Rudy Giuliani uses that sarcastic response, a lot. I'm sorry, who wants me to put my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my to put my clothes to put my clothes to put my clothes to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to me to put my clothes back on? Everyone! Oh wow! Every single person in this Denny's wants me to put my clothes back on. Now, the campaign says that they did mean to have the press conference at this venue. And I hope that that's true.

But it really just sounds like Trump's legal team accidentally booked the wrong four seasons. And if that is the case, that would be so sad. I mean, do you know how incompetent you've got to be to get catfished by a landscaping business? Also, I love how the real four seasons tweet, that it has nothing to do with them, because even hotel chains are trying to get away from tru- I bet in the te. scumbags, you're grossing out our bed bugs. I also feel really bad for anyone who was inside that sex shop during that press conference because imagine being

in a sex shop and then seeing every camera in America pulling up next door now you got a hideout in a Dildo store for six hours and that's a long time to pretend to be browsing. Yeah so is this the edible underwear underwher? Uh huh? Yeah, they still outside? Okay. Do you do samples? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi's thi' thi' thi' tho tho thi. thi. thi. the thi. the thi. thi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi-free? Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, they're still outside? Okay. Do you do samples? So even though most of the world has accepted that Joe Biden will be the next president, Donald Trump is clearly planning to drag out this fight for weeks. Donald Joe Biden beat my ass Trump. None of his legal efforts to undo the election have been working. So now he's trying a different approach. But on the other hand, what might save America

from Donald Trump trying to overthrow the government is that it's Donald Trump trying to overthrow the government. Because his people are not known for being that great at what they do. I mean, just today, Rudy Giuliani, the president's personal lawyer and something kids' fear is in the closet, gave a press conference to explain why Donald Trump actually won the election. Right? That's what he was doing.

He was trying to explain to us why Donald Trump actually won the election that we all saw him lose. But we couldn't pay attention to this conspiracy theory because we were all distracted by this. Many of the absentee ballots were fraudulent, and they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they thed. thi. they they they the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thed. thed. thed. thed. thed. thed. thed. thed. thed thed thed thed thed thed thed the the to the to to to the to the to to to to to the the the the the the the the distracted by this. Many of the absentee ballots were fraudulent and they knew that and they didn't want to have account of that. 200% of the registered voters in a district vote. What does that mean? In the states that we have indicated in red, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Nevada, and Arizona. We more than double the number of votes needed to overturn the elections.

All you've got to do to find out if I'm misleading you at all is to look at the lawsuit. That's the reason why he probably didn't have to go out and campaign. Okay, I know that this could be the end of American democracy, but guys, this shit is hilarious. I mean, Trump always said that he had leakers in his administration, but I don't know was this bad. What the hell was going on with Rudy? Honest question. Was his hair dye dripping?

Was his brain shitting itself? Honestly, I didn't even know that side burns got periods. You know your legal strategy is f-up when even your hair starts thriririririing th. th. th. th. th. thii thi-in' thi-in' thi-in' thi-I's thi-I's, thi-I's, thi-I's, thi-I's, thi-I's, thi-I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm thi-I's, I'm't even know that sideburns got periods. You know your legal strategy is f*** up when even your hair starts crying about it. It was going down both his cheeks. This dude was growing a chin-strap beard in real time. And look, I'm not going to lie. Part of me feels bad for Rudy. Because this was the biggest press conference of his life.

His big chance to get Donald Trump another term as president and his hair ruined the entire moment. Can you imagine if Abraham Lincoln was reading the emancipation proclamation and his beard just walked away? People would have been like, hey, yo, y'all, man, forget about the slaves, man. Yo, your chin hair just bounced, B. Yeah, you got, you got to look at that shit. But maybe this is the perfect combination of evil and ridiculous, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, the the the the the the, the, the, their, thiiii-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, thi-a, their, thi-hea, and, and, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, and, their, and, their, and, their, and, their, and, their about the slaves, man. Yo, your chin hair just bounced, B. Yeah, you got, you got to look at that shit. But maybe this is the perfect combination of evil and ridiculous to end the Trump era.

I think it's perfect. Because think about it, if someone said in 2016 that this whole thing would end with Rudy Giuliani openly plotting a coup against the government, but no one would take tak tak dye running down his face the entire time. You'd be like, yeah you know one? It sounds about right. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show, it's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be to be to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be toking to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the ca the cune the cune the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ca the ca toke. toke. toke. toe. toe. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. to o' to. to. te. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday.

We're gonna be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're gonna be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches and I know that I listed that fourth but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go but how many of them come out on Thursday. I mean talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.

Rudy Giuliani, former aide to Donald Trump and lawyer who makes all his clients look innocent in comparison. Since his role in the attempt to overthrow the 2020 election, Giuliani has largely disappeared from public view, like a snail retreating into its shell, but way more disgusting. And if there's one thing America loves, it's a big comeback, and last night, Rudy got his. A little bit of controversy on the mass singer last night. Personal lawyer to former President Donald Trump and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani popped out of a giant rooster suit while singing a rendition of Bad to the Bone.

She could tell the right away that I'm a Band to the Bone. But as he revealed himself, this is what happened, Judge Ken Jung stormed off the stage, apparently didn't like it, saying I'm done th. th. th. th. thu thu thu thu thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. to. to. toe toe. toe. And toe. And toe. And thu. And toe. And toe. And toe, and toe, and their their toe, and their their their their their their their their their. And toe. And toe. And, and toe. And, and toe. And, and toe. And, and toe. And, and toe. And, and toe. And, and toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, this is what happened, Judge Kenjunk stormed off the stage, apparently didn't like it, saying I'm done. Yeah, Rudy Giuliani just got voted off the masked singer, which means he's about to spend the next five years claiming that he actually won the mask singer. And I guess history, history was made last night, because for the first time in the mask,

a contestant took off their mask and everyone was like no no put it back on put it back on put it on we don't want to get put it back on it's also weird how Rudy has the time to be on a game show but he's too busy to testify in front of Congress like maybe they should have just tricked him right Congress should have just like made it seem like it was the Mars singer, combined the whole thing, top him in the giant costume, and then sitting in front of the January 6th committee. Let's do it! Yeah, that's the game show American needs. Bernie Sanders would be sitting there like, oh based on his other disregard for democracy, I'm going to guess the rooster is Rudy Giuliani. Let's take up the mask and see, she's a real bottom-doubt.

It was him. I told you it was him. I could see the melting through the mask. I could see it. Trump's inner circle was well aware that the election did the way. And they told Trump, except for one person who had the liquid the the the the the the to have, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told, told had the liquid courage to say that Trump did win. President Trump rejected the advice of his campaign experts on election night and instead followed the course recommended by an apparently inebriated Rudy Giuliani to just claim he won and insist that the vote counting stop. Was there

anyone in that conversation who in your observation observation, had too much to drink? Like, Mayor Giuliani. And the mayor was definitely intoxicated. Yeah, according to the former Trump aid, Rudy Giuliani was wasted on election night when he told Trump that the election was stolen from him. And I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot.

So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally? His hair dye sucks back into his hair? How does this work? And you know, it actually says a lot about trapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapap about it says a thu – it says a lot about Trump that a whole team of sober advisors, his attorney general, his campaign manager, his daughter, who he wants to bang. Yeah, we haven't forgotten. They were all telling him, you lost this election, sir, but then Trump was like, yeah, yeah, whatever, drunk vampire, what do you think? You know what you think about, it actually makes sense that Trump would listen to a drunk person because that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th.... th. th. th. th. th. th, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's thr-a thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. And, thi. And, thi, actually makes sense that Trump would listen to a drunk person because that's the one time people probably sound like him. You know?

He's just like, what are you guys, think we should do? And I'll tell you what I think we should do. Wow, there's something about this guy. He totally gets it. You'll get it. I get it. I get it. You get it. I get it. All right. You know, there are a lot of depressing things going on in America right now. So we decided let's start of today's show with some good news. And I'm talking about what happened to Rudy Giuliani.

Former New York City Mayor and America's most illegal lawyer. You see, he was in a supermarket on Staten Island, Sunday, campaigning for his son, Andrew Giuliani, who's trying to make history as New York's first caveman governor. And thankfully, Rudy is now doing okay after just barely surviving, a heinous drive-by on his upper back. On Staten Island grocery store workers facing assault charges accused of slapping former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. This surveillance video shows the encounter inside a shopright store.

The worker appears to hit Giuliani on the back, prompting a reaction from the former mayor. NYPD said that this man was a 39-year-old suspect to approach Giuliani, slapped him in the back and said, what's up, scumbag? Giuliani refused medical attention at the scene and the 39-year-old was taken into custody with the NYPD recommending charges of second-degree assault. Don't you laugh? Don't you dare laugh! This is a second-degree assault! That's how tough New York's laws are. Third degree is if you lightly blow on someone's ear.

And first degree is if you boop them on the nose. Boop! Ah, I've been hit. I've been hit. Please, don't get me wrong. I don't think it is right for anyone to be putting their hands on politicians or anyone for that matter without their consent. I'm not saying that. But no way in hell is that second degree assault.

Like I barely tell that's not second, if that's assault, then what? I guess Will Smith murdered Chris Rock. That's what happened there. And now I'm in the grave. In the grave. And I love how, I love how they say, Rudy declined medical attention. Medical attention for what? For what? That's the kind of injury where the only thing you could do is kiss it and make it feel better. That's it. Is it better, Rudy?

Is it better? In fact, if anyone needs medical attention here, it's the guy who touched Rudy Giuliani. Yeah, that dude's hand probably looks like Dumbledore's after he barehanded a hawkrucks. And yes, I will admit, I will admit this guy did sound aggressive, but you've got to understand, what's up scumbag is just how people say hello on Staten Island, you know? Yeah, it's a normal conversation. What's up, scumbag? Not than much. Fee, your mother. All right, well, nice to see your grandma. But to me, to me the best part of this story is that the more Rudy told it, the more the slap seemed to hurt.

He hit me hard enough to knock me forward about like this. You know elderly people die mostly from falls? This guy could have killed me. I got hit on the back as if a boulder hit me. It knocked me forward a step or two. All of a sudden I feel a shot on my back like somebody shot me. You know that that was that was that was the woman who was rubbing my back. The guy hit me so hard that she herself almost fell from the reverberation of it. Yeah, that's right. He slapped me so hard. My eyeballs fell out and I had to pick them up and put them back in. You all saw it. You all saw it. He slapped me so hard. I shit out the side of my face two years ago.

Yeah, that's how hard it was. You saw it, everybody. I felt it. I felt it. I felt it. You know, I thought that Rudy was lying about the election. I thought that Rudy was lying about the election being stolen because he was a Trump-sick-offand. It turns out he just lives in another world. This is just his brain. And I will say in his defense, in his

defense, he was already in a weakened state, you know, you have to acknowledge that. He was out during the day in a store that sells garlic. I mean, you know? It was hard for him. It was hard. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes any time on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey everybody, John Stewart here.

I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.