The Daily Show: Ears Edition - The Vladimir Putin Files

Episode Date: June 29, 2023

Vladimir Putin: part President of Russia, part shirtless horseback rider, part invader of Ukraine. We're revisiting some of the Daily Show moments on Vladimir Putin; from Trevor's headlines, to The Daily Showography of Vladimir Putin, to an interview with Ukraine’s U.N. Ambassador Sergiy Kyslytsya who discusses why supporting Ukraine to a victory over Putin is vital for the security of the globe.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Vladimir Putin is preparing for a longer and more intense war on Ukraine. In a speech carried nationally in Russia, the president said he will put up 300,000 military reservists to active duty. Vladimir Putin's been pushed into a corner. Warning the waste, he still has weapons of mass destruction, read that as nuclear, and he's been pushed into a corner. Warning the West, he still has weapons of mass destruction, read that as nuclear, and he's prepared to use them. We will use all the means at our disposal to protect Russia and our people, he said. This is not a bluff.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Seriously Putin, nukes the N-word? Not cool, man. Not cool. That's America's word to use. He does sound serious, though. You heard him, you heard what he said. He said, this is not a bluff.

Although, to be fair, this is not a bluff. Is what someone who's bluffing would say? Yeah, it wouldn't be very effective if he was like, I will nuke entire world, but I am bluffing, so don't worry. By the way, I know this is random, but I found it funny that he has the two landlines behind him in the picture. No, I mean, like, I get the one. Maybe that's for like the nuclear code.

But what's the other line for? Is he also like a part-time telemarketer just like Mr. Antwerp, I'm preparing for nuclear war which is why in life insurance is very important right now. Could I introduce you to a plan? You know one of the most frustrating things about this war is that the only reason it's still going on is because Latamia Putin is trying to save face right he just doesn't want to be seen to be losing and. and it it it it it it it it it. the the the the to be to be the their. to be to be their. their. And it. And it. It. It. It. It. It. to be. to be. to be. to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be. the. the. the. the. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, i. the, i. their, i. their, their. their, their. their. their. their, their. their. their. their. their. to. to. their. to. the only reason it's still going on is because Latimer Putin is trying to save face. He just doesn't want to be seen to be losing. And it made me wonder, do you think Putin knows how to lose? Like, do you think he knows how? Because think about it, the dude plays an annual hockey game

where the Russian team lets him score 32 goals, right? He somehow wins the judo contest against professionals every year. So it actually wouldn't surprise me that he can't accept the concept that he can lose. You know, it's almost like when parents let their kids win everything. You know when they're like, wow, Billy, you ran so fast, you win again. Then the kid grows up thinking that losing isn't a part of life. All right? That's why when I raced my four-year-old nephew last weekend, I smoked his ass. Bam! Left him in the dust. Yeah. Then I gave him a rematch and I smoked his ass again! I mean, yes, he cried, yes he cried.

But you know what he won't do? Invade Ukraine. Yeah. Russia has invaded Ukraine. Why is this happening? What does it mean? Where is Hillary Clinton's email server? Well, I've been watching Fox News for 648 hours straight, and I'm ready to

Fox Blaine Ukraine. Why did Putin invade Ukraine? The answer is complex, but let me try to explain. Barisma, critical race gendered, mini mouse and a pantsuit. Don't believe me? Take a look inside the gender neutral bathroom in Hunter Biden's laptop. This is happening because President Biden is weak. This is happening because President Biden is weak.

When Donald Trump was president, Putin didn't meddle in America. He meddled in America. Putin is strong and Biden is weak. America needs a strong leader. By the way, why are we supposed to think that Vladimir Putin is evil? He's not the one poisoning our children with critical race cities. Vladimir Putin is evil. I have always said that. I have never said that Vladimir Putin is a handsome genius with a haughty's body. Let me be clear. Vladimir Putin is a handsometyrannical leader. He was not democratically elected, and he alone is responsible for this. I'm talking about Joe Biden, if that isn't clear.

We need to do far more to support our allies in Yugoslavia. Ukraine. Ukraine. You know what could solve this crisis in minutes? I vermicten. Vladimir Putin is evil, thrant. Vladimir Putin wrote a bear. He's evil though, yet seductive. Vladimir Putin supports Trump. I also support Trump. Does that make me... Vladimir Putin? Russia is basically being canceled. First, Mr. Potato Head, now Mr. Putin head. And that's pretty

much all you need to know about the Ukraine situation, according to Fox News. NATO's run by vampires. Are you a conservative who praised Vladimir Putin and now wish you hadn't? Then you need tyrannol, the drug that makes you forget you applauded a tyrant who is now slaughtering civilians. This miracle pill can help you go from this. It might be worth asking.

Why do I hate Putin so much? Why do I care what's going on in the conflict between between to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to the the the to the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoom.. thoomorrow. thi. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. thea. thea.'s going on in the conflict between Ukraine and Russia? And why shouldn't I root for Russia, which I am? To this. Vladimir Putin started this war. He is to blame for what we're seeing tonight in Ukraine. Incredible! Tyronall works by invading your sovereign mind and attacking any previously held memories or beliefs. Just listen to this satisfied customer. Vladimir Putin, he's a very talented statesman. I consider him a elegantly sophisticated counterpart. We've seen a Russian dictator now terrorize the Ukrainian people. And if you've been praising Putin for years, then try Tyronal extended release. Putin has done an amazing job.

Putin has much better leadership qualities than Obama. President Putin was extremely strong and powerful. President Putin is sharp. He's a guy who's very savvy. I know him very well. You have not only Putin, you have other people that are stone-called murders and thugs and dictators that are very dangerous. Tyronol is not 100% effective. Tyronol may cause side effects, including permanent resting constipation face in some patients. It's time to stop regretting and start forgetting.

Tyronol, out with the Vlad, in with the good. Can a leader be too perfect? Can a leader be too perfect? He's a superhero. He's some kind of superman for us. Can his flawless intellect, an unmatched strength, make him somehow more than a man? Russia. At what point does a mortal rule? Unmatched strength make him somehow more than a man? Russia! At what point does a mortal rule become a living gun? Will I be sitting here till I'm 100 years old?

This is the daily showography of Vladimir Putin. Democracy Superzar. Vladimir Vladmirvich Putin grew up with everything a Soviet child could ever want. Communal housing. And that's it. We lived in a small room, all three of us, in a communal apartment in Leningrad, with no private facilities. We didn't even have our own bath or shower. It was all the fun of a college dorm, but with way more drinking. From birth, greatness was in his blood.

His father was a party member and his grandfather was a cook for Joseph Stalin, giving Vladimir access to all the flavors of Soviet Russia. From bland to cold to gray. It was a movie that set Putin on his life's path. The shield and the sword about a dashing Soviet spy inspired him to join the KGB. He'd be the Russian James Bond. Meaning the guy trying to kill James Bond.

By 1985, Putin was a lieutenant colonel in the KGB, stationed in glamorous East Germany, but in 1989, tragedy struck. A crowd of Germans driven mad by the decadent Western influences of Coca-Cola and Blue Jeans descended upon the Berlin Wall. They smashed it to bits, and then, looking for more souvenirs they could later sell to history nerds, they gathered around Putin's station. The Berlin Wall might have fallen, but a great man does not crumble so easily. Putin ran to the basement and set all the KGB's documents on fire. Then he went outside and told the crowd they all the KGB's documents on fire.

Then he went outside and told the crowd they would be shot if they didn't leave. What an honor for those Germans to be there for the future leaders' first death threat. Through his heroic actions that day, Putin survived. But sadly, the Soviet Union did not. When I say that the fall of the USSR was one of the greatest catastrophes of the 20th century, I'm talking about a humanitarian catastrophe above all. After the dissolution of the USSR, 25 million Russians suddenly found themselves in a foreign country.

That's right. Millions of Russians had to order whole new address labels. Was the downfall of communism really worth that? But Russia and Putin persevered. Under the steady leadership of the incredibly competent Boris Yeltsin, Putin rose through the political ranks, eventually becoming Prime Minister. The Russian public wanted to know,

who was this young and objectively perfect man. To answer that, Putin commissioned a documentary about his life, just like Beyonce. And Putin's film was even cooler. He commissioned this rarely seen documentary about himself. Presenting Vladimir Putin Putin the credits read In Power. Weirdly, the soundtrack is from the Broadway show Cats. It was without question the second most disturbing movie ever to feature songs from Cats. In 1999 Boris Yelts. to spend more time with songs from cats. In 1999, Boris Yeltsin abruptly resigned from the presidency to spend more time with

his drinking problem. And Putin became the second-elected and first permanent president of Russia. He proved himself not just a formidable head of state, but a man of many talents. A beastmaster. An adventurer. A sportsman. A sportsman. And a born entertainer.

The moon stood still, on Blueberry Hill. Vladimir Putin is truly a quadruple threat. Quintuple, if one of the threats is making actual threats. But most of all, President Putin is a protector of Russia's fragile democracy. A role he takes so seriously that every election he does whatever is necessary to stop inferior candidates from winning. For this devotion, his citizens have rewarded him with the presidency again and again, but literally unbelievable margins. Vladimir Putin will lead Russia for another six years. He cruised to an expected victory in yesterday's presidential election,

winning nearly 77% of the vote. Check this brazen ballot stuffing, caught on camera. In these videos, verified by the AP, voters seem to insert multiple ballots. One election official appears to stroll over to a box, stuff it, while no one in the room seems to mind. Yes, Putin respects people's right to vote so much that he lets them vote two, three, or 78 times in the same election. It wasn't all smooth sailing though.

One time, Putin briefly had to let a friend be president for him until he could run again. And then he had to make a tiny change to the Constitution so he could run again, again, and again. As Russia has thrived, so has the man who embodies it. For his steadfast commitment to fighting corruption, Russian oligarchs and energy executives have gifted Putin with tens of billions of dollars. My personal suspicion is that certainly Mr. Putin is the richest man in Europe, possibly on the planet. And that money would come in handy when unexpected expenses cropped up, like

secretly buying a luxury apartment in Monaco for a totally random woman. And yes, one media outlet claim that the woman was Putin's mistress, but that's ridiculous. Putin was happily married at the time. And also, that media outlet has since been outlawed. Besides, these rumors are completely unfair to the woman's daughter, whose unknown father must be very proud of her and her face that looks absolutely nothing like Vladimir Putin. Of course even a perfect country has some malcontents but whenever those seeking to undermine Putin's streak of uncorrupt democracy begin to circle him like bloodthirsty sharks somehow, some way fate always intervenes on his behalf.

There seems for some reason to be an extremely high mortality rate among independent journalists and political opponents of Mr. Putin. President Putin dismissed accusations that the Russian state was behind the attack on Mr. Navalny. If our agents had wanted to kill him, he said, they'd have finished the job. Is Russia behind the poisoning of Sergei Skopar? Look, we're busy here with agriculture, and you ask me about some tragedies. Get to the bottom of things there first, then we'll talk about this. Yeah, why doesn't anyone ever ask Putin about his agriculture programs? Like these new bananas he's working on that grow with the poison already inside them.

Sure, it's true that some of Putin's critics met untimely ends, but on the other hand, let's move on. We should be talking about agriculture. Naturally, a true champion of democracy doesn't just want it for his own country. He wants it for all people, which is why Putin began tirelessly assisting with elections around the world, sending his digital democracy helpers to gently nudge voters in the right direction. Putin was so amazing at democracy that in 2016, even the world's so-called greatest democracy was asking for his help.

Russia, if you're listening. And like the great man he is, Putin answered the call. Tonight, Russian President Vladimir Putin trolling the United States, joking about meddling in the presidential election and saying he'll do it again. I'll tell you a secret. Yes, of course we'll do it. To finally make you happier. Just don't tell anyone. You know what they said.

It takes a big man to joke about himself. And an even bigger, scarier man to joke about destroying your country. Yeah! That's why in all the world there is no bigger man than Vladimir Putin. How grateful we are for his 21 year rain, his guaranteed 16-year future rain, and if we should be so fortunate, his 100-year rain after that. His 100-year reign after that. My guest tonight is Ukraine's representative to the United Nations. He's here to talk about Russia's war in Ukraine.

Please welcome Ambassador Sergei Kiseltier. Ambassador, welcome to the Daily Show. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me. You have a really interesting position and a difficult undertaking right now because you are representing Ukraine at the UN, and Ukraine is in one of the most precarious positions right now. Before we get into where we are, let's maybe clear up the beginning. How did this start and what is the cause of what we're seeing in Ukraine?

Well do you want a long story or you want a short version? I guess we're on TV. Well, the long one is like 300 years. But the short one is Putin came to power and he probably promised himself that he would restore the Soviet Empire and ever since we are in the state of war and now we are in the state of hot war. I mean actually the war started not on the 24th of February, it started back in 2014. And you're in a position now where, as you say, I like that you call it a hot war because it's a war that people can see very clearly.

There are many people who are being killed, there are tanks rolling in. It's a different type of war, though, because everybody agrees that Ukraine is in the right. Everybody agrees that Russia is doing something wrong, and yet because of Russia being Russia, it seems like the United Nations and many other countries are scared to overact for fear of causing a world war. How do you then ask for help and what do you hope will be achieved if countries, you know, have to balance this precarious position? Well I think that as a matter of fact, for me, we are already in the Third World War, which may be kind of crazy to say, but the 21st century is now the 20th century where we had these standard wars with tanks crossing the borders.

We are in a hybrid world, and you don't really need to cross the border to attack the United States. You can do that in the cyberspace, or you can do like a terrorism, terrorism, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their, their, their, their, thr-a, thi, thr-a, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr-s, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the thi, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is thi, and, is thiiiiiiiiiiiiii.i.i.i.i.i.i. thi. thi. And, thi, thi, thi in the cyberspace, you know, or you can do like a terrorism or financial terrorism. So basically, we are there in the United Nations, and the United Nations is a product of three old gentlemen among which were Joseph Stalin, so it's not perfect. And we still, in the hundreds day of the war, we still have Russia sitting in front of us, and we still pretend that we have to Respect it and the only reason we respect Russian Federation is because I do not respect but they have to respect

That's a very important correction because they they possess the nuclear arsenal and they are really paranoid that Russia may use nukes against them. So is your argument then that Russia shouldn't be sitting as one of those permanent members of the UN? Oh, first of all, Russia is not a permanent member, if you ask me. I mean, Russia occupied the seat of the Soviet Union back in 1991. The same way Russia occupied Georgia, the same way Russia occupied Transnistria in Moldova,

the same way Russia invaded Syria. So Russia occupa occupaies, occupies, and we are all complacent with that. I mean, we were complacent with that until the night of the 23rd. And all of a sudden, we were surprised that it happened, I mean, which was imminent for 30 years. But do you think that maybe this has been, you know, it, everything in hindsight is 20-20. And I've read, you know, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you th, you th, you th, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, and I've read, you know, some historians who would argue that, you know, they could have been a way for the world to bring Russia into the fold from the very beginning. Some say, the problem was the fact that Russia was pushed out.

Russia felt like they were being isolated. It felt like NATO was encroaching on their territory. If Putin was brought into the fold, to to to to being part of the world. Do you see any credence in that argument? Well, you know, I saw many criminal knowled, the Sovietologists, as they are called often, and they are tunneled with their vision of the world, the same way like Germany was to tunnel with North Stream, you know, they saw the world th. through through th. th. th. th. th. thunnel th. thunnel the world, th. thunnel, the world, thunnel, throw, the world, the world, throw, the world, throw, the world, throw, their, throw, throw, their, their, throw, throw, throw, thoomomomomomomatoed, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, throwne. Souoomorrow, thoomorrow, thoomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, tooomorrow, thoomorrow, thoomorrow, thoomorrow, their, their, theunnel of North Stream. And we were, all of us, we were guilty of letting Putin grow as a dictator of unprecedented scale in Europe, probably Hitler, or only the one we can compare him with. No, I don't believe in appeasement. I believe in the need to fight the virus. And Russian Putinism is the same as COVID but

it's only the international politics COVID you know. Right, right and and it is taking its toll as well. You know your country is in a position now where every day we read about how Russia is is changing its tactics. You know it's slowly becoming a war of attrition as opposed to a direct assault. You know Ukraine has inspired the world in how you're fighting back. You know, your president has been there staying in the country, you know, despite what everyone thought he would do. When you get to the point, though, where it feels like European nations are almost encouraging Ukraine to in some way give up a piece of territory, you see many European nations saying, Ukraine, maybe you should just give them the Donbass

region, just give them that part that has already expressed some sort of interest in becoming part of Russia. You have said that that is a complete non-starter. Why? Yeah, it's absolutely. I mean, unless everybody is amnesiac, you know, let me remind it what happened in 1938 1938, a Munich agreement with Chamberlain. The New York Times literally, literally ran an article, and I can quote from it, the world has never been pregnant with hope as it is now. And then what happened?

Chicago Slovakia lost one-fifth of its territory. The Nazi troops moved in. And then in less than 12 months, the Seconds of his territory. The Nazi troops moved in. And then in less than 12 months, the Second World War started. And the whole Czechoslovak here was invaded. So basically, if people are not very cognizant of the history lessons, they have to go back to schools, I think. And it's a duty of all of us to make them study the history. Are you worried that European countries may at some point say

this is too much for us and we don't know if we're going to back Ukraine through this because we've seen, again, through history, Russia is not afraid to fight long, painful wars. It seems like Vladimir Putin is not afraid to send his troops out onto the front lines and have them perish because he doesn't have to worry about an election that he's losing, you know, approval is not his issue. And so if you're in that position, you know, Ukraine is in a space where you have your people who may get demoralized, you know, you have a nation that is constantly bombarded, you know, obviously the U.S. is helping you.

But what would you hope the next steps would be the the next the next the next the next the next the next the next the next the next, the next steps would be then? Where do you see the world moving towards to help Ukraine? Well, Trevor, you just came from Europe onto you, right? I did? Yeah, you saw it was your own eyes that Europe is not really homogeneous. It's so diverse. It's like a bouquet of nations. Right. So it would be kind of over generalization to say that Europe believes, Europe says, I mean, we have wonderful, wonderful nations like Poland, like the UK,

like Portugal, I just talked to the Portuguese ambassador, like Baltic states. They will fight hard until the very end to defeat the Russian despotism. You know, we have some countries that got used to live in comfort for so long that they are out of context altogether. But the thing is that if we do not defeat the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theto live in comfort for so long that they are out of context altogether. But the thing is that if we do not defeat Putinism today, right, if we will be satisfied with just a military defeat of Russia in Ukraine, and we will let this dictator to re-grow his chopped back claws. They will hit all of you again, like in five or seven years from now,

and then we all pay triple price for it. So even from the point of view of investing money in Ukrainian victory, investing money in your own security, and you should be all grateful that it is the Ukrainian soldiers, not the British soldiers, not the American soldiers, who are dying in the front, defending the collective democratic world, you know. So I have to remind about that to all of our viewers and to all people in Europe in North America, and not only there. I have to remind all Africans who will suffer from the food shortages in two months from now. A lot of people don't know about that. You know, I saw many people complaining about food prices going up.

Many people in the Middle East and Africa struggling with, you know, a shortage of wheat and bread is, you know, one of the most important food sources. Many people don't know how much of that grain is coming from Ukraine for the entire world. There are countries, there are countries that are 70% dependent on Ukrainian grain. And those countries are devastated with civil wars or with droughts or with climate calamities. They have no way to go on the market and buy grain from somewhere else. So I mean, for them, it is a matter of survival. And the fact is that we have 21 million tons of grains sitting to be exported. Right.

And we can't do that because one crazy little person in Kremlin does not really allow us to do that, you know. And that's amazing. And one of the jobs we have to do one of the things we are doing currently in the United Nations. We are desperately seeking the way how to save millions of people who are literally under the threat of dying of starvation, 10,000 miles away from Ukraine.

And that is why this conflict has so many implications that unlike in 2014 where we when we were all happy to have 100 nations voting in favor of the territorial integrity of Ukraine, we now have overwhelming majority, we have 141 nations that voted on the second of March and that identify Russia as an aggressive state. You know, there were only four countries, such wonderful countries as North Korea and Syria who voted in support of Russia.

And it's very important, it's very important because the world finally understood that it's not just about Ukraine. it's about the entire collective democratic community of nations. Thank you so much for joining us Ambassador. Thank you for everybody. I appreciate your fun. Hopefully we'll see you again. Explore more shows from the Daily Show from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show week nights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.

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