The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Thirty F#@king Years | Desi, Michael and Troy's Favorite Segments - Full Length

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

In our previous episode of ⁠⁠30 F#@king Years⁠⁠, Desi Lydic, Michael Kosta and Troy Iwata broke down their all-time favorite Daily Show segments. Now you can catch those segments in full. Brian Unger reports on a cat trapped in a tree, from a tree. Ed Helms delivers the news that Vice President Dick Cheney shot an old man in the face. Steve Carell sits dow with John McCain on the Straight Talk Express. Aasif Mandvi dons a two-headed fish costume to confront a polluting company. Resident Expert John Hodgman breaks down the unfrozen cavemen dangers inherent in global warming. Sam Bee acts her heart out, literally, in her one-woman show devoted to The Five, and Rob Cordry gets personal in his tour of Boston. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

She's got a breakaway. She's all alone. She's going. She's going! Oh no, wrong goal, kiddo. It's chaos out there. Their stomachs don't have to be. Introducing Cultural Kids Probiotics Plus electrolytes. Sugar-free, more hydrating than water alone from the number one pediatrician recommended brand. Youth soccer is never boring, but your kid's stomach should be. Culturalile probiotics, the science of a boring gut. See website for details. You're listening to Comedy Central. As unlikely as it may seem, there's still the remote possibility

that you could turn on your television and not see Dateline NBC and one of its trademarked survivor stories. Fortunately, we here at The Daily Show are also committed to bringing you the latest in hilarious near-death experiences. Here's Vance DeGeneres with another tale of survival. Nothing tugs at the heartstrings more than the story of a kitty stuck in a tree.

Except maybe the story of a baby stuck in a tree. in a tree or an old woman in a wheelchair stuck in a tree. But this is the story of a kitty stuck in a tree. It was early January in this suburban Chicago neighborhood when Deb Walton let Blackie the cat out. I let Blackie outside right after the snowstorm January 2nd. And I heard a lot of commotion outside from the birds. The birds? The birds.

Not just birds, crows. crows, and like winged pipe pipers, they lured Blackie into a date with destiny. I looked up in a tree and there was Blackie and I asked him, how are you going to get down now? But Blackie didn't answer. Had he fallen victim to the dreaded crows' insidious plan? Is it just possible the crows may have picked him up and put him up in that tree? Oh no, I believe maybe the crows, and I'm just stuited, and I'm just stuited, No, not trying to think like a bird, tricked him into climbing up in a tree, maybe taunted him or teased him. Where are the crows?

They flew away. Left him high and dry. Exactly. They got him up in the tree, and that's where he sat. And there he stayed in some kind of a tree. What kind of a tree is it? I'm going to take a wild guess and say an oak tree. Maybe an oak, perhaps an oak.

But I couldn't tell you exactly what type of tree it is. Oki type. Oki type. An Oki Death Trap. By the third day, Deb was crying out for help. I've contacted the Humane Society. And when did they come out? They didn't.

They didn't come out. They did not come out. I contacted Anticruity Society. And when did they come out? They did not. They informed me that. They do not get cats out of trees. So, in fact, it's a misnomer.

It should be the Cruelty Society. No one in the city of Chicago will come out to get a cat out of a tree. Deb, what is it about Chicago that no one will come to get a cat down out of a tree? Policy. It's the only way I can figure policy. When will the policy makers learn? Deb had had enough bureaucratic pussy footing. She appealed to Blackie directly.

And I said, come on, go. Blackie, you gotta come down out the tree. You can do it. Come on, Blackie. Blackie. Give him a little encouragement. Positive reinforcement. Right.

Come on, Blackie. Blackie, come on out the tree. Day four, the weather turned deadly. How cold did it get? 16 below zero one night. Snow? Snow. Blackie was covered by ice and snow.

Yes, he was. The days wore. on. Blackie's time was running out. More on the story. Let's go out to correspondent Ed Helms, who is live in Corpus Christi, Texas. Ed, thank you to join us. The hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail hunting expedition. Doctors say he's recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the vice president. I'll be here all day with

continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face after he mistook him for a small bird. Ed, this Armstrong ranch, what kind of facility is this? It's a private hunting ranch where the hunter drives up to the pen-raised birds. The hunter then gets out of his car, Ames his 28-gauge shotguns at slow-moving birds three feet away, and then the hunt is on.

Why would the vice president or hunters shoot at a facility with birds that have been raised in captivity and then just released to be killed? Well, as you know, the vice president has a big entourage, secret service, and a full hospital detail, including five paramedics, three cardiologists, two defibrillators, an iron lung, the cast of ER, and that metal egg Darth Vader sleeps in. It's a group that makes a lot of noise that could scare off your average quail. So they hunt pen-raised witless quail with no wings in order to, you know, level the playing field.

And how did this accident happen? Well, I'm sure a sedentary, indoorsman liberal elite Jew bag like yourself wouldn't understand. But it's actually a very common missat. Here's how it happened. Hey, do you see where I put my thermos? Damn, dick! It's really quite, I'm sorry. Hold on a second.

John, I'm being told Whittington's condition has now been upgraded from stable to stable but still shot in the face by the vice president. It's good news, really. For now, I'm Ed Helms, reporting from outside Christospoone Hospital in Corpus Christi, Texas, where this weekend, A 78-year-old man was shot in the face by the Vice President of the United States of America. John? Thank you very much.

Ed Helms, everybody. ...can rival the excitement of a modern-day political campaign. As part of our Indecision 2000 coverage, Steve Carell joined the fun and went on the campaign trail. It's every reporter's dream to spend a day on the campaign trail with a front-running candidate. And that's exactly the opportunity we were afforded this day in New Hampshire on John McCain's straight-time. Hawk Express. However, Dan Rather and the 60 Minutes crew were already on board, so we had to go on the Overflow Bus. Great. This is just great. The Overflow Bus, repository for outcasts, misfits, and journalistic bottom feeders. I bet they've got an omelet bar or something up there. You think Rather's up there talking policy with them?

No, they're up there playing pinball, singing karaoke. Rather doesn't have to be on the overflow bus. Oh, I'm 60 minutes too. Be lucky. if we even see him today, don't throw it back. You just ate half of it, threw it back. You know, we were asked to come. Like, oh, yeah, well, you're that bus. Shut up back there. Stick it up your ass.

The situation was intolerable. Something had to be done. Exactly what am I looking at here? Bus assignments for the 50-some members of the media. Well, let's cut to the chase. Where are we? 47, 48, 49, and 50. What do the circles mean? Circles mean you're on the bus.

you can see no circle no bus why you're jerking me around like this all I want to do is sit on the nice bus covering the story at arm's length was getting me nowhere and then it hit me the best way to get to a presidential candidate's bus is through his wife this is your driver here he's from the beginning now this is a well-appointed driver he's wonderful I'd like you to take a look at the driver we have great thanks very much Ron You see what I mean? Okay, now step aboard. Here we go into our secondary bus.

Take a whiff. Yeah, take a whiff of that. One whiff of the overflow bus, and Mrs. McCain was on my side. Stick with me. I'll get you on. Really? Come on, let's go. Really?

Not only was I finally on the bus, but I was going to get the chance to talk to Senator John McCain. Sir, how are you are welcome on our bus at any time. Let's do a lightning round. Okay. Your favorite book? For whom the bell tolls? Favorite movie.

Viva Zapatah. Charlton Heston. Marlon Brando. Close enough. If I were a tree, I would be a... If I were a tree, I would be a root. What does that mean? Senator, how do you reconcile the fact

that you were one of the most vocal critics of pork barrel politics? And yet, while you were chairman of the Commerce Committee, that committee set a record for unauthorized appropriations. I'm just kidding. No, I don't even know what that means. Oh, they all laughed at my little question,

but two things were abundantly clear. Okay, all right, okay. It was the wrong question to ask, and I was going to be walking. Steve Carell, ladies and God. Steve, that was an interesting piece. Thank you, Mr. Stewart. It seemed like you had one shot to really ask a good, solid, political question, and you froze up, you backed off.

Well, I was trying to explore the sights, the sounds, the smells of a political campaign. You were up there to get an interview with McCain and one-on-one. Now, Mrs. McCain was a gracious... Mrs. McCain is not the story. Did you see her? Yeah, yeah. She is intelligent, beautiful... Yes, I understand, but it seems like you froze up with McCain.

You had them right there. Well, I was just... I was trying to... Should we take you off the political beat? Is it too much for you to... Steve Correll, ladies and gentlemen. Coming up, four minutes with Tiffany Amber Seeson. You're not...

You're not talking... You're not tossing a commercial. Look at me. Look, Stephen. Look. Look. Look. Uh, what do we say?

Bad report. Do better. Steve Corral, here's a caramel. Good boy. They say two heads are better than one. But they often say very stupid things. Especially if you're talking about two-headed fish appearing in Idaho's rivers.

That's just wrong. Asif Monvi has more. Idaho. Home to some of America's most beautiful rivers. But according to conservationist Marve Hoyt, there is a dark secret. lurking in these waters. The fish are suffering massive deformities.

Deformities you just don't see in nature. Like what? Two heads. Two heads? Yes. Oh, that's a fish? Yeah. Those are heads?

Yes. Oh! Okay, put that away. Put that away. What is causing that? Well, it was the selenium in the water. And what is selenium? It turns out selenium is a toxic byproduct of phosphate mining,

and in southeast Idaho, one company loves mining phosphate. That's the Simplot company that operates the Smok Canyon mine. Have you shown Simplot these mutant fish pictures? Those pictures came from Simplot's own report that they commissioned in order to get around the current Selenium standard. selenium standard. You see, with six of Simplot's six Idaho phosphate mines cited for grossly exceeding federal selenium limits, Simplot took action and issued a report saying the federal limits needed to be higher. I went to Simplot to talk it over with a company spokesman.

Can you tell me about this exciting two-headed fish that you guys are developing? We'd really appreciate it if you leave the premises. Thank you very much. Are you who you calling? Hi, this is David at the Simplot headquarters. We have some pesky reporters here who won't leave, and I'd appreciate it if you'd send an officer to escort them out. Sure, Simplot can bully me, but wait until the EPA gets their hands on the report. All of the federal and state regulatory agencies reviewed the report.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're saying the EPA saw this report? Mm-hmm. I bet they were pissed, right? No, they were not pissed. They failed to call out the fact that there were two-headed fish deformities were in that report. That can't be right.

But in fact, the EPA called the report outstanding, and they may even use it to address national selenium standards. When interview requests to the EPA were ignored, I headed to their offices to see how they could overlook a two-headed fish. Hi, I'd like to talk to somebody about the Smoky Canyon mine. Where are you guys from? I'm from a river up in... No, no.

What company do you phone? I'm not with a company. I'm a two-headed fish. I've called the police because I don't really appreciate the way you guys are coming in and getting in our face. I can't really make an appointment. I'm a two-headed fish. I live in a river.

You're not a fish. You're a person. Why would the EPA call Homeland Security? I needed answers. But everywhere I went, no one would talk. What is this? Does Simplot run this whole state? Literally, every single place I went in Idaho,

There was Simplot. So I looked him up. And they're one of the largest privately held agribusiness companies in the world. The governor of Idaho worked at Simplah for 30 years and married J.R. Simplot's daughter? Idaho Congressman Mike Simpson chairs the subcommittee that sets the EPA's budget?

What the f***? Is this an actual conspiracy? There's certainly a conspiracy of silence. This is really dangerous. Yeah. What do you mean, yeah? Well, I've received threatening phone calls from people who have suggested that I don't work on this issue or come back to Caribou County, Idaho again.

Okay, are you kidding me? Look, next time a fake reporter comes to ask you to do an interview about Simplot, you should lead with the stuff about the threats. If they were threatening this nobody, what the hell were they going to do to television's Asif Manvi? There was only one person who could help, Erin Brockovich. I have uncovered a real corporate conspiracy. What the fuck do I do?

You've got to expose it, man. You found out information. It's going to be able to you to expose that information. Blow the whistle. I don't want to blow the whistle. I want to bury the whistle. Stop being a pussy. It's your responsibility to go out there and make it right.

Aaron Brockovich had given me good advice. I had to make things right. Simplot, a true American success story and a company that is definitely not polluting Idaho. What do you think about Simplot? Not very much. Okay, you love them. You love them, love them, love them.

Can you just look at that camera and say thank you Simplot? No, I won't do. Come on, just say that. No, no. Just look in the camera. F*** those guys. Well, you heard it here, folks. fishermen in Idaho loves Simplot.

There's nothing wrong with Simplot and there's nothing wrong with this water. Here we go. We're all good now Simplot. And there is no way water this clean could cause a two-headed fish. Oh, just a dream. Just a dream. Hey, what's better on TV? Correcting a noticeable decline in bedroom performance does not have to involve navigating a complex time-consuming medical bureaucracy.

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Appreciate it. What is the general picture today concerning global warming? Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes. Right. But why specifically do the scientists think that? Oh, specifically. Well, new findings reveal that in the past five years, the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now, this map shows the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat, within the...

In only three generations, the seas could rise as much as a meter, changing the map dramatically. When you say dramatically, you were talking about the change of the water level or... No, that explosion between the two of them. The maps. Yeah. It was very dramatic. That was a dramatic change. Yeah.

The arrows on that chart, is that wildlife migrating? No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place. We estimate that there are perhaps 20,000 prehistoric hunter-gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply thaw and wander around, it's not a problem. But if they find a leader, a captain caveman, if you were like, we will be facing an even more serious problem. So the problems that you foresee with global warming are rising sea levels. Yes. And organized flesh-eating cavemen.

Potentially organized. Yes. And all because you didn't buy a hybrid car this year. Wow. Incredible, a small thing like that. It's like a butterfly effect, if you will. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. A what? The butterfly effect. The saying, a butterfly flaps its wing in China and causes a hurricane, say, in Peru. Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that. Maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of mothra-type creature. But that's a very different problem.

And I want to assure you people that the Mothra problem is something we have completely under control. Uh, John, why isn't the government, our government, doing more to fight this global warming? Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation they're most concerned about, Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale, they'll all be just fine. Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim-up bar

for Long Island and New Jersey. But basically, that's what we're going to be. what it is now anyway. Is that why the administration doesn't urge us to drive less or reduce emissions or really anything? Well, the president's position is the answer isn't regulation, but American ingenuity. So we're just going to wait for someone to solve it? No, no, no, this administration's very proactive. Using genetic testing, they've already isolated two young children whom they think have the best chance of solving the global warming crisis.

Most likely through some kind of anti-global warming machine. an aerosol spray of some kind, maybe, or a gel. Anyway, to keep them safe, they've been placed in a raft on stilts, given some science books, but no television, and they can't get off until one of them cracks this nut. Which child do you think will do it? Oh, my money's on the kid with the bigger head. Between you and me, I think that other one is unfrozen caveman food.

All right. John Hodgman, everybody. It's our own Samantha B. Samantha, nice to see you. Now, Samantha, what do you feel like these panel shows like the five bring to the analysis of the news? John, I'm sorry. Please don't compare the five to other panel shows. Okay, the five is so much more than just a panel show.

It's life itself. It is everything. How are they different from a panel show? They seem like... John, perhaps you're unacquainted with my one-woman show inspired by The Five. I shall now perform it for you. I don't... Actually, I don't think we have five.

Shush. Shh. Easy little John. Mama's in control now. John, the Five is the storyboard of the human condition. And I know this because I'm Samantha Bee. And I watch The Five. The Truth about The Five is that it's a story, a story, one that rivals the works of a Shakespeare or a Nicholas Sparks.

This, this story is rooted in that deepest human emotion. Riding the Boner Train to Pound Town. It's the tale of a winson blonde ingenue, Dana Perino, a young girl, new to the big city with big dreams and a heart so pure she makes Mary Poppins look like a disgusting whore bag I am us in bed asleep by 1030 I'm definitely awake by 630 there is a certain word that rhymes with truck should the detainees be given the E word in the first place we're gonna discuss next to you erotica they don't start families is because they feel like they don't they're not financially secure enough thank you family yet it's not that they're not having

She can't say SEX. She's not a . Word. ...for a good girl. Harder than a bad boy. Then the rebellious Greg Gutfeld. I was on Perkinset for seven days. Best week of my life. I'm drunk now.

I've been drinking since two. I gave three people hepatitis. Who's riddled with hepatitis? There's got to be a catch. Greg and Dana were total opposites. They should never have ever. even been seated together but once they were electric these beautiful flowers of your face and I wanted to give them to Greg it's a photo rose you could have this in

your office wait Greg was very chivalrous and gave me his jacket in the break how do I laugh at anything you say one last question to Greg is pot an aphrodisiac okay you do that to me how do you have that power I know is that of course a girl like Dana she's not gonna have just one suitor it's a a game of high-stakes international chess, so I put together a big old chess board right here. Can you camera, too, take this, because this is what you agreed to wear.

We fivers want to take you through how we're dealing with the flu. I have to do this. OK. What is that? Is that ketchup? Really, Eric Bowling? Prop comedy?

That's not going to work on Dana. This isn't 1980, and you ain't no Gallagher. Besides, Greg and Dana's love. couldn't be denied, not that others didn't try to pull them apart. Which brings us to our story's villain. A man with a soul so dark, he couldn't abide Greg and Dana's happiness. He knew exposing their secret love would be a scandal, the likes of which the world had never seen.

And on the day the five were outside grilling meat. That's just what Bob Beckle did. We put Gutfeld on here. We could have grow guguff. That'll be the best meat you ever had. I'm sure it would be. That's what Dana tells me. Is that, is it true?

Mistake, Bob. How about I take those suspenders and hang you by your balls? None of it mattered. Meaning less because Greg and Dana had worse problems than scumbob big pants. I want to wish a happy ninth anniversary to my wife, Elena.

As a wife? Yes, galliv. commenting around, you stupid studio, laughing it up with you secret wife. What's your take on the view? You're vacuuming or whatever. Okay, Sam. Sam Beath, everybody. Thank you. Sam Beaths, decided to hold our convention in Boston. Our own correspondent Rob Cordy knew that it was a chance for a very special homecoming.

Tonight it gives us a natives look at this historic city. Hill to Back Bay, from burning witches to busing blacks. This city has something for everyone. Unless you're black. There's so much history here, like Fanual Hall, Bunker Hill, the site of the Boston Tea Party. Of course everyone knows about this little piece of Boston history. The Adams Inn, where I treated Maureen Sullivan to my virginity. Room 223.

I'm back. I'm back, remember me? No. Now room 223, 1986? No. And I'm gonna have to ask you, turn that camera off, please. Of course, Boston isn't all about my personal sexual history. It's also about entertainment. Fenway Park, the world famous green monster.

Growing up, I had my own green monster. Father Green. But again, Boston's about so much more than my sexual history. Just ask my former scoutmaster, Steve Mangone. I think Boston's an extremely unique city, and it's such a fast-moving type of town. town. I seem like a screwed up kid to you.

Well, that's sort of harsh, Rob. I thought you were a very happy scout, like all scouts who have many issues. So I had a lot of issues. You had your share. Anyhow, here's a fun fact. Did you know that Boston has a merit badge and corruption? It's called the Big Dig, the largest public works project in American history, its billions over budget, and a national laughing stock.

Though corrupt former Massport officials, like my dad, would never admit that. The Big Dig has been a success. Absolutely has been a big success. Let's talk about successes. Do you think it's successful parenting to call the principal's office and tell them that I was being beat up by a girl? I don't remember doing that. Carrie Cook? Oh, yeah, Carrie Cook, I do remember that. You were coming home with bruises on your arm, and that's when we took our case to the vice principal.

Everybody knew I was getting my ass kicked by a girl. That was a long time ago. Reliving painful childhood memories is sure to make you want to visit one of Boston's many fine watering holes, where old friends are always happy to see you. Remember the time we had a fight with Sig F up the street? Yeah, I was... Yeah, you were where? Whatever, whatever.

Come on, Cordry! You were gay. What the fuck's up with your hair? It looks like God in the chat, for grace sake. This bald bastard that didn't fight and didn't do in college, and now he's a pussy, and now he's on the national TV, and here we are. That's bull-h-h-h-hack him. Maureen Sullivan.

Poor. Poor. You see so . . Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Bruce is on your arm. You probably deserve it. Come on that, boy. I can't believe.

I like you, screw me. B-B-B-B-you, I'm looking for more. Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.