The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon on America's Gerontocracy Crisis & Kosta on Explosive Diarrhea Sweeping U.S.

Episode Date: July 18, 2026

Catch up on the latest headlines with The Daily Show News Team. Jon Stewart dives into America's gerontocracy problem amid the sudden death of Lindsey Graham, Trump's backhanded tribute to the late senator, and how Mitch McConnell somehow managed to outlive his colleague from South Carolina. Michael Kosta comments on Graham's sister being named as his successor, the president's toll war heating up the Strait of Hormuz, and America getting explosive diarrhea from the cyclospora parasite. Plus: Why do corn dogs and Joe Biden eating ice cream have JD Vance all hot and bothered? --Go to https://Quince.com/dailyshow for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. CarShield is offering our listeners 20% off with the code TDS at https://CarShield.com/TDS -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit Scotia Bank.com slash h-I-SA to learn more. Scotia Bank. You're richer than you think. You're listening to Comedy Central. But first, obviously, big news from the weekend, the sudden passing of Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. Obviously, I knew him a bit from lobbying down a Capitol Hill, but I didn't know him particularly well. So I'll let Lindsey Graham's best friend memorialize the late senator. Joining us now by phone is one of his best friends, President Donald Trump. I know you lost one of your closest friends and an ally in the Senate.

How are you feeling? Well, I don't feel great. He was a great guy, and he was a friend. He would call me all the time. We've just, I'd say, stop calling me, Lindsay. I'll never forget the way that I always let him go to voicemail. It was our thing. Obviously, he's just opening the eulogy on a lighthearted note.

I'm sure the poignancy follows. Love playing golf. Love being outside. It wasn't that he was a great striker of the ball. He wasn't exactly a perfect. He wasn't Jack Nichol. He was not Tiger. He was totally against me.

He said, I'll get you in South Carolina. I'm going to get you in South Carolina. That didn't work out too well. It was a nasty campaign. He was tough and nasty. I wanted to see the war with Ukraine end. Very quickly, I think he was more into, you know, keeping it going, frankly. He was a total workaholic politician.

You know, some people don't call that work. Some people will call that a lot of talking. I think the president has zoomed through the first five stages of grief. And gone straight to number six, fuck that guy. By the way, it takes a lot of balls for Donald Trump to gently roast someone for yapping too much. He's the one who toasted his friend on Meet the Press, CNN's State of the Union, Fox and Friends. Trump was everywhere remembering Lindsey Graham, even when the host of the show appeared to not want him to. These people suffer from a very fine disease known as Trump's arrangement syndrome, and he was seeing that.

Mr. President, did you notice any... He would really come a long way on the terminating the filibuster. But, Mr. President, did you notice anything different? Millions and millions of ballots is impossible. And they didn't know in two weeks. They let it be known an hour later... So, Mr. President, real quickly, that you notice anything different from Lindsay...

That he's going to be in the run-off. On the phone? These elections are very dishonest. No. President, the TV station's going through a tunnel. Boop! Even his best friend Donald Trump had to concede that Senator Graham Graham's career did have a bad moment.

Now, he had one bad moment. That was, you know, the January 6th thing when he stood up, all right. Now I've had it. That's it. I can't do it anymore. So I give him a 99 instead of a 100. You know, most people were, a lot of people were at 100. But he did have that one little moment.

You know, my favorite part of any eulogy is when they announce the person's life score. Like it's portnoy doing a pizza review. Yeah, Graham had a good undercarriage, good. mouth feel yeah yeah anyway eight two i'm going to give him an eight two solid score eight if he had let the people kill him on january six nine two monster score i'd give him a monster score now before graham passed he was not feeling well and was kind of joking about how he didn't have time to die axius reported that several hours before his death senator graham complained of feeling unwell and said i i can't die now i still need to do the russia sanctions get iran sorted

out and do Israeli-Saudi normalization. He passed away a short time later. Middle East peace is about as ambitious as a bucket list item can get. I want to bring Israel back into the family of nations and go whale watching. But let this episode be a lesson, people. Write it down. Write your last wishes down. Write what you want to accomplish in your name down.

because Donald Trump had a very different interpretation of Lindsay's last wishes. He was pushing the Save America Act like crazy. This is a big blow to the Save America Act. Let me tell you. And then Lindsay said to me his voice weakening, barely a whisper. He said to me, Donald, when I die,

float my body down the crystal clear, reflecting pool water. So that I may lie in state in your completed ballroom. I said, Lindsay, don't, don't save your strength, Lindsay. He said, no, no, no. One more thing I want before I leave this mortal coil for them to put your name back, the Kennedy. A lot of you may be wondering, as I was, did Lindsay Graham die before Mitch McConnell? The f is that possible? Was the one who spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals

since his Capitol Hill buffering episodes? McConnell was the one who suddenly disappeared for a month and nobody heard from him to the point where the governor of his own state was asking for proof of life, which coincidentally, we got yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you totally believable evidence

that Mitch McConnell is not only alive, but the happiest boy. in the hospital. He's the happiest boy in the of a make a wish kid whose wish was that everyone else in the hospital lost their health insurance

due to his fucking policies. After that, of course, Mitch and his wife released even more photos. Here they are at Disney riding Splash Mountain. Then apparently they climbed this fire of the Empire State Building and renewed their vows. And then, let's say, went to a World Cup game. Might not be out of the woods

yet. Regardless, McConnell is still here, Graham's gone. And so it was time for the media to discuss Graham's legacy for like a couple of minutes. You know, this is, this is so tough for you and for so many there on Capitol Hill, because it really was so sudden. No one was expecting this. And we have to turn to the crude numbers of it all, right? Todd Blanche's path to getting confirmed as Attorney General just got a whole lot more complicated.

Unfortunately, your majority now down to 52. Mitch McConnell's continued absence. now leaving Republicans with just 51 senators. If Collins votes against you down to 50, the vice president breaks a tie. But what if it's Collins, Emmerkowski? Republicans were already struggling with the numbers. Add in Lindsey Graham now being off the table.

I'm sorry, off the table. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a winner for worst dying euphemism yet. Off the table. Where's the table? Old Yeller. But don't worry, Timmy. We just had to take him off the table. Although I guess the numbers have been pretty tight in the Congress for a while now. I wonder why

that is. The current Congress is the third oldest in U.S. history with the average age of senators nearly 64. 131 out of the 530. Members of Congress are 70 or older. Graham is the sixth member of Congress to die this term. What the f f f this term? He's the six. He's the six. member of Congress to die this term. Any other business, they'd shut it down to figure out what the f*** is going on.

Six of them have gas leak, serial killer, six of them are dead. My God, those are pet code gerbil numbers. To Congress every morning with a shovel? What the fuck? It's not like the job is dangerous. They're just sitting there.

They're not filming deadly his catch. Oh, he really is healthy. And not to put too fine a point on it, but the last person to speak to Graham is our 80-year-old president. The governor who chooses Graham's replacement is 79. One of the candidates being

considered is 78, but he backed out because he's too important at his current job in the House of Representatives, all to say of the Todd Blanche hearings, which are being co-run by 92-year-old Chuck Grassley and Whippersnapper Dick Durbin, 81. The entire

F-in Congress is falling apart due to a lack of not just political will, but bone density. 83-year-old Board of Democratic Congresswoman Frederica Wilson recovering from an eye surgery. 89-year-old Chuck Grassley, getting hip replacement. Senator Patrick Leahy, a broken hip. Nancy Pelosi hip replacement surgery. Jenny Hoyer is in the hospital with pneumonia. Eleanor Holmes Norton is in the early stages of dementia. White Evans, who 71 had a stroke.

Bernie Sanders is sidelined by a heart attack. Congresswoman Kay Granger lived in an assistant living facility for dementia patients while still serving in Congress and drawing a congressional paycheck. And all of those, by the way, are the ones who were still on the table. Place is a Sky Rizzi commercial. Two samples. Get some free samples, Sky Rizam.

Look, I'm no f***ing prize. I get that people age differently. Why are we tolerating this level of national frailty in our lawmaking? And it's not just anti-old people. It's not disrespect to ask this question. In Japan, they revere the elderly. But the one thing they don't do is put them in charge of everything. What's the for argument here?

Well, age is a relative thing, as we all know. His experience is an advantage to us and not to be described as a disadvantage. Oh, experience, that's right. This is actually the most experienced Congress we've ever had. How is that working out? The most unproductive Congress in the first year of a president in history, potentially the least productive in modern history. Fewest laws passed since at least the 1950s.

As our government has gotten older, the economy has gotten worse. Inequality more severe. Our safety net shredded. The irony is that this long past retirement age government has policies that force everyone else to have to work long past retirement age. Mostly, though, without a health care plan that covers a mysterious month in the hospital.

Because we don't have a system that rewards experience and competence and performance. We have a system that rewards incumbency. These people aren't brilliant. They're f***ing barnacles. Utterly incapable of addressing a world moving much faster than the speed of matlock. Why does it matter?

Here's the co-chair of the House Army caucus, co-chair, Congressman John Carter of Texas, explaining why it's imperative to remediate our outdated defense systems. Another issue that's very important, the department is historically relied on outdated production techniques of interjectic manufacturing, which may have remained unchanged since the civil, the Second World War. Since the since the Civil War?

Second world. The blur in my mind, having been at both. How is the Department ensuring that investment in next generation of energetic manufacturing such as AI

machine learning capabilities and enabling and insurance of quality assurance. I take no pleasure in this. But this is not right. The stakes are too high. There's no way that dude even knows how to put his phone

on silent. How can our government make better use of the chat giput? The government going to get that jackaboot? If I can get a jackaboot, if I can get a check of put in the government, we're going to get the government up with the jack of it. Get an insurance and an insurance in the Civil War and the check a put.

The people deciding rules about the most advanced technology on earth should look like their steam powered. I'm going to shout you can put, no. Get some more coal up the ass and get me going again. Come on. Now, shovel that shit right on my. No one understands. You cannot have the country ruled by people this old and frail. Everyone except them.

Senator Mitch McConnell said over the weekend, I'm not taking a break from the Senate business. that matters to you, I still have unfinished business to complete on your behalf, and I have every intention of finishing the job you elected me to do. I have to finish the job. And by the way, I am going nowhere because I have unfinished business literally is what a ghost would say. Ghosts would say, banish me. All has unfinished business.

I must curtail your access to foodstead. In no way suggesting that old people cannot be productive at their jobs. but at the highest levels of our government, there is no check on when they are no longer capable of doing just that. But their power remains. Advanced age is just one more way in which our government is at a remove from the needs of the people they purport to serve. And they have too much power to be this disconnected. If only there was somebody in the government who understood that, We need a Democratic Party that opens its doors to new people, new energy, and new ideas.

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Now available in Canada, too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-C-E dot com slash daily show for free shipping and 365-day returns. quince.com slash daily show. President Trump hosted an indie car event at the White House. Now, if you don't know what indie car is, it's for fans who have more class than NASCAR, but less money than F1. Say what you want about Trump.

He's a showman, so I expect to see him hype up this exciting event with some energy. Um, maybe it doesn't have that eye of the tiger. energy. This would be like if instead of running up the steps of the museum, Rocky took the chairlift. Lazyest Rocky ever. He doesn't even work out. He just drinks the eggs.

Stay down, Rocky. Okay. It would still be a better reboot than the new Moana. Oh, poor Disney. I hope the rock is okay after that. But you know what? I understand why Trump might be a little down. He's on a sad weekend. His best friend was poisoned by his other best friend.

No, no, no, no, no. Putin did not kill Lindsey Graham while he was in Ukraine. It's just a suspicious coincidence that makes a lot of sense when you think about it. But according to President Trump, Lindsay died from a specific medical... You know what? Let's let the president just delicately explain it. Do you think we know the whole story about his death? Well, I think we do. We've had great doctors, and they talked about, you know, in a certain part of a His body literally blew up.

That's right. Part of his body blew up. The New England Journal of Medicine calls it spontaneous cabloy syndrome. It's actually a fairly common cause of death. Well, I'll remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina went boom. But now the question is,

who will fill in the senator's seat until the next election? I assume someone like the lieutenant governor or the secretary of state. Whatever political process we have in place for this. We now know who will fill Senator Lindsey Graham's seat in the U.S. Senate, his sister. Or his sister. I guess his sister?

A Senate seat? That's an inheritance jackpot. Most people just get a garage full of damp boxes. Whose idea was this? President Trump recommended Graham's sister for the interim job, calling it a fabulous tribute to Lindsay. So we're going to work for one Senator Graham to another senator. Graham, it's just tragically symmetrical. If there's one thing this guy knows all about, it's being tragically symmetrical.

But for real, I disagree with this guy who looks like a finger-linked potato that they put a dollop of cream on top of it. I mean, there was more consideration about who should take over for Pat Sajak, and his whole job was correctly reading up to three words at a time. But still, I'll give her a fair shot. What exactly are her qualifications? Darlene Graham Nordone has more than two decades of experience in government. She is commissioner of the South Carolina Commission for the Blind. She was business service director and communications director for the South Carolina Department of Employment and Workforce and is president-elect of the National Council of State

agencies for the Blind. No surprise there. Another giveaway to the all-powerful blind people lobby. I hope everyone bought stock in that company that makes those sticks they're always tapping on the sidewalk. I'm kidding, obviously. If anything, she's overqualified. I'm worried she'll make the other senators look bad,

which would be embarrassing for the ones who know where they are right now. Let's move on, because Lindsay's sister will have her work cut out for her for the next five months, plus 36 weeks vacation time, because a lot of shit is going down right now. The U.S. launching strikes for a Thursday day, as President Trump informed Congress that U.S. military action is ramping up. We're going to hit him very hard tonight, and we're going to hit him hard tomorrow,

and there's not a damn thing they can do about it. They have nothing. They have nothing going other than they have big mouths. By the way, it doesn't seem fair that Lindsey Graham pushes into this war, and we still have to fight it even after he dies. It feels like when my daughter makes me buy a really complicated Lego set, and then five minutes in, she goes to watch TV. Two hours later, I'm sitting by myself assembling a...

Mermaid Castle, like, what the f*** am I doing this for? Anyways, it came out great. Of course, the reason why Trump says he went back to war is that Iran wants to charge tolls for ships going through the Strait of Hormuz. And guess what, buddy? Okay? You can't do that. We believe international waterways should be free of tolls,

and that's been our position. Trying to impose a tolling system. Iran's plan, a form of international extortion, is unacceptable. No country is allowed to charge tolls or fees on an international waterway. That's existing international law. Yeah, newsflash, Iran. Charging a toll is not allowed under international law.

It doesn't matter if it's 5% or 1%. The only acceptable number is 0%. Okay. Trump announcing plans to charge a 20% fee on all cargo that passes through of the Strait of Hormuz. We're charging 20%! That's like twice what I give a waiter. But maybe 20% is reasonable. What kind of damage are we talking about here?

Just a couple hundred bucks. If Trump's fee goes into effect, a massive oil tanker transporting 2 million barrels could have to pay the U.S. upwards of $32 million. $32 million. Jesus. Although if you sign up for EasyPass, it's only 29.1. So...

At least I hope they have Easy Pass. Imagine steering your boat through a toll booth, frantically searching your center console for 32 million dollars in quarters. It's crazy to pay $32 million for something that used to be free. This is just like when the grocery store started making us pay 10 cents for bags, except it's 31.9999 million more. And by the way, we're not even in control of the strait. Iran is.

And now you're just giving them ideas. Its foreign minister wrote on social media the following. Quote, the president is absolutely right. Whoever provides secure and safe passage of commercial vessels through the Strait of Hormuz should be compensated for their service. 20% of course is too much. We will be fair. Jesus Christ. How did we end up like this? We're a global superpower and we're haggling over tolls with the Iranians?

We're not going to beat the Iranians at haggling. They invented it. And putting raisins on rice. There's no haggling with Iranians. We're going to go in there looking for a deal on the Strait of Hormuz and end up coming out with an $800 raw silk bed spread

that never wanted in the first place. How are we going to get out of this jam? Today, in a major reversal, President Trump says the U.S. will not charge tolls on cargo moving through the Strait of Hormuz. I was called by different people, and they said we'd love to do it a different way. We'd love to invest in the United States

as opposed to charging a fee. And I like that, actually, because I don't think anybody should be able to charge a fee for the straight. All right, few. God, I was worried there for a second. Then I remembered everything Trump says is bullshit. So thanks, President Trump. So, in summary, the bottom line is we're back at war with Iran

to stop them from charging tolls that they weren't charging before we went to war with them so that nobody can charge tolls except we want to charge tolls. Can anything be more embarrassing than this? Going even further, Trump declaring the U.S. will soon become, quote, the guardian of the Hormuz Strait. Guardian of the Hormuz Strait. He couldn't even protect the reflecting pool from algae. So the Guardian of the Strait is a pretty fancy term for a toll booth collector.

Some dudes in the middle of I-95 right now, hey, I'm kind of the Lord Protector of the New Jersey Thurn Pike, what you're going to do about? I'm Keanu and I leveled up my business with Shopify. Once I figured out that Shopify was a thing, I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business.

But Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like I can't stop. I'm addicted. Start your free trial at Shopify.com. Hey, America, how you feeling? Good? Is your tummy okay? Well, enjoy it while it lasts. This is not a happy morning topic. Explosive diarrhea afflicting more than 3,000 people.

The parasite is called cyclospora. So far, 3,000 cases have been reported in 32 states. The symptoms are nasty, to say the least. explosive diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, muscle aches, debilitating fatigue. You know, honestly, it could have just stopped at explosive diarrhea. Muscle aches aren't an issue at that point. I'm not going to be sitting on the toilet shitting my brains out like, and my biceps are sore. Seriously, this is not a helpful list.

These are also all the symptoms for being over 35. I had a piece of cake at my kid's birthday. I had every single one of these. But I will say, butthole COVID really does sound awful. It was really bad. There were moments where I was literally just camped out in the bathroom. And like, I don't care

I'm just going to lay on this floor. Anyway, you're going to blur my face and change my voice before this airs, right? I'm not going to be the face of lying on the floor, pooping to death, right? I'm just joking. You know, she's actually sharing her experience to raise awareness. She shouldn't

be embarrassed. It's the clout-chasing TikTokers who should be embarrassed. I eat healthy and I end up getting diarrhea for seven days straight like bam all day on the toilet cramping the stomach pain the worst thing about this was I felt disgusting yeah that's that's how diarrhea works it's disgusting and be even stranger if you were like I had diarrhea for five days and man did I feel sexy By the way, we shouldn't even be talking about how you felt when you had diarrhea. TikTokers, can I have a quick word with you over here?

Hey, chat. You don't have to share everything. You can always ask yourself, did anyone ask me if I had explosive diarrhea? If the answer is no, do what you couldn't do last week and hold it in. You might be wondering, where does this parasite come from? company is taking responsibility. Taco Bell saying they have voluntarily removed some ingredients at select locations as the food-borne parasite cyclospiriasis rapidly spreads across the U.S.

Yeah, well, I guess we should have known they did just come out with their new dioritos lococe tacos. So Taco Bell has been giving people the parasite. I'm glad we cleared that up. Case closed. The company stating public health officials have not confirmed a link to Taco Bell or any specific ingredients so supplier, restaurant, or retailer, adding they will closely monitor the situation. Wait, so talk about didn't cause this? They just heard explosive diarrhea, and they were like, yeah, that must have been us. We'll take it. It actually turns out no one is sure where it's coming from, and our media isn't helping us figure it out from using these terrifying red outbreak maps,

highlighting basically all the states, high-tech graphics of the supposed parasite cell. And when that's, It seems scary enough, feeling an entire screen with just four words. Weeks of severe diarrhea. I'm so scared by these graphics. By the time I get the parasite, I'll have already shipped myself. Come every time there's a pandemic or outbreak. They show us these close-up headshots of the virus like it's a wanted poster. Like I'm gonna see the parasite on the street and be like, hey, it's the guy from the news, get them.

Please, News. You don't need to convince us that explosive diarrhea is bad. We're on board already. Just tell us what we can do to avoid getting this parasite. We'll do anything. Wash the lettuce under running water. Yeah, I'm out. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

You're adding chores to eating a salad? Eating a salad is the chore. I'm not washing lettuce. I'll give fruit a quick rinse. Will that help? I would let it run over these. How long? Probably for about five or six minutes. Five to six minutes.

It's a kitchen, not an AI data center. Okay, so fruits out, lettuce is out. I guess I'll be grocery shopping at the gas station until the CDC gets a handle on cyclospora. By the way, why hasn't the CDC gotten a handle on the cyclospora? The CDC is also tackling the outbreak with fewer staff because it had cuts to its funding last year. CDC actually scaled back a decades-long federal-state partnership

that monitors food. born illnesses, including those caused by cyclospora. Hmm. Okay. Let me see if I can track this. We cut the funding for the program that tracks forever diarrhea, and now people are getting forever diarrhea. Let me see if I can figure this out. I don't see any connection.

All I saw were these complicated math equations. But hold on. If we're cutting the funding that prevents Americans from getting the disease that turns our guts inside out, out where exactly is our money? An internal Pentagon estimate puts the cost of the war with Iran at between $80 and $100 billion. That marking a significant increase from the roughly $30 billion

estimated just three months ago. Oh, I see. Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea. Well, America, I'm sorry to say, but the money it takes to blow up Iran is the reason we're blowing up our own bathrooms. It's like how our grandparents grew their own crops to support the troops during World War II, except our version of this is power washing the toilet with our butthole.

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President Trump is addressing the nation tonight and because we tape earlier in the day, we don't know yet what he's going to say or which museum will be putting his name on, but come on, museum of, of African-American history and culture. But there is one person who does know what's in the speech, and he sure is making the most of it.

Trump's longtime teleprompter operator is accused of using inside knowledge to cash in on prediction markets, allegedly making more than $100,000 by betting on what the president would or would not say. Honestly, respect. You know what I'm saying? Oh, I know people are going to say it's cheating

if he knows what words are in the prompter, but with Trump, that's not a sure thing. For example, let's say he puts a bet down that Trump is going to read the word magnificent in a speech. And just across the bridge in front of Arlington Cemetery, we're building a magnificent. It really beautiful. Does that count?

Does that count? I hope it does because I put a 200 large on it. Now, obviously, using a teleprompter to win bets is a recipe for trouble. I mean, I read from a prompter, and I know our operator would never purple bananas, purple bananas, purple bananas.

God damn it, Christina. But I assume Trump is cool with this. I mean, game recognized game. He's on unpaid administrative leave right now. There are very strict ethical guidelines here at the White House. Did she just say there are very strict ethical guidelines at the White House?

This is like claiming that Love Island has a dress code. Nice, drag. Let's move on. to someone in the West Wing who's slightly less important than the prompter guy, J.D. Vance, Vice President, and the weak link in your improv group. He's been on the podcast circuit lately

to plug his memoir and share a bit about himself, but I feel like he's oversharing. The thing I couldn't get over Biden is the way that he ate ice cream. I mean, it's like, you know, we could bring some of the stuff up, but it's like they would get him eating ice cream in the most ridiculous, suggestive way imaginable. suggestive? I mean,

I remember seeing Joe Biden eating ice cream, but I don't remember pitching a tent over it. Do you ever meet someone with a kink and they assume you have it too? Man, man, look at that goat just teasing us. But if you actually look at Joe Biden eating ice cream, there's nothing suggestive about it. I mean, look at this. The man uses his teeth.

He's biting it like a shark. Either J.D. Vance doesn't know what he's talking about, or I've been giving blow jobs wrong this whole time. It isn't Vance's only sexual food hangup. You know how politicians are always being photographed awkwardly eating food at a state fair? J.D. is not going to let that happen to him. You'd have to be a very manly man to be able to eat a confidently, confidently eat a corn dog. I don't know that I can do it, Joe.

I eat them. They're good. Yeah, but it tastes good. Are you pho-I love corn dogs. I try to eat my corn dogs. That's between me and my kitchen. That's between you and your kitchen? Yeah, that's right. J.D.'s not one of those losers

eating corn dogs in public. He's eating his corn dogs alone over his sink in the dark. Who's making a fool of himself now? Why do you have this gay panic, dude? Nobody's going to think the corn dog is a penis. I mean, it's a hot dog, so there is some rat penis in there, but it's not, like, in a gay way. But J.D. Vance wasn't just there to list his top 10

most arousing foods. He also clued Joe Roganin on the U.S. strategy for the war in Iran. We're not just going to do something open-ended indefinitely. We're not just going to bomb and bomb and bomb. We're going to try to use our military force as one of the many tools that we have to solve the problem. Yeah, yeah, I love that. Our military shouldn't just be used to bomb without any strategy. Great idea, JD. Oh, quick suggestion. Instead of flying to Austin to tell it to this podcaster, why don't you walk down the hall and tell it to your boss? The president of the United States. Because so far, his strategy is bomb. And I like your strategy of don't do bomb, which I hope is for strategic reasons and not just because the shape of a missile makes you

uncomfortably horny. Now, you might be wondering, does this guy even know that he's the vice president? Don't worry. He knows. Like, my life is, dude, totally transformed. I don't go to the grocery store anymore. People go to the grocery store for me. Dude, that's awesome. Maybe you should go to the grocery store. You might learn some stuff. Like, oh, were beans always $85? No, they weren't. And it's actually your job to fix it.

But still, the vice president wants people to know that even though he doesn't do his own grocery shopping, he's still JD from the block. But it can become the sort of thing that if you internalize it, you start to be an entitled asshole. Yeah. Yeah. You see? He's self-aware. Don't forget. This guy, this guy,

guy is from rural Ohio. He grew up poor. So he's not about to exploit his newfound privilege at taxpayer's expense, right? Right? Some of the Secret Service agents assigned to protect Vice President J.D. Vance say they're, quote, fed up with his personal and family travel requests. Just last Thursday, the family demanded that agents joined a military helicopter crew to fly his young son to his golf lesson across town. They have also used the choppers to house hunt in Virginia. All right. Now, first off, if you're trying to get the best deal on a new house, maybe don't show up in a helicopter. I can't go over $1.5. Money's tight. I said money is tight.

It's the Secret Service who blew the whistle. Do you know how overbearing you have to be if the people who signed up to take a bullet for you are like, whoa, this guy is a diva. Let's move on to Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense and the personification of Sons Out Guns Out. Because he has nothing else going on right now, he came out with an important message for the troops. We have the most elite warriors on the face of the earth. While we invest heavily in our weapon systems, platforms, and gear,

our most decisive tactical advantage will always be the individual warfighter. We have a sacred duty to maintain that advantage, which is why we must constantly look for new ways to optimize your performance, your resilience, and your long-term health. Awesome. You know, I thought this guy was just a walking word salad of military cliches, but no, he cares about the troops. And there's so much to do.

We could fix the VA, give our troops some mental health care. For once, I could feel good about where our money is going. So what's the priority here, Beatty? Today, I'm authorizing a new screening program for testosterone. Deficiency for our service members, ensuring you have the right testosterone levels to operate at your absolute best. Hell yeah. This Secretary of War f***s up policy a lot. It's kind of a problem.

So, wait, am I understanding this correctly? He thinks the biggest problem facing troops is low T? Wait, are the Marines pulling the trigger with their rock-hard cocks? You know, every time you look at what this administration is up to you, always find the most insane combination of audacity and stupidity. But after all this time, I do think there's something we can do about it. All it takes is purple bananas, purple bananas, purple bananas. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show,

wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.