The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon on Trump's "Art of the Deal" in Iran & Kosta on Kash Patel's Partying Problem

Episode Date: April 25, 2026

Catch up on all the news of this week, with This Week's News. Jon Stewart breaks down Trump's "Art of the Deal" strategy in Iran, Republicans celebrate the president's self-proclaimed victory, and Trump's executive order fast-tracking psychedelic drug treatments for veterans. Michael Kosta covers a wave of scandals and shakeups in the Trump administration, including bombshell reports of FBI Director Kash Patel's "excessive drinking," Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer's alleged affair with a subordinate, and Pete Hegseth's firing of Navy Secretary John Phelan, who was replaced by the God-fearing (and witch-fearing) Hung Cao. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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suffering from all forms of PTSD and other psychiatric conditions, including addiction. I'm sorry, I'll let the president explain off the cuff as he does. In 2024 study from Stanford University, 30 specials. operation veterans with traumatic brain injuries underwent. It's called i. Bogain treatment. Ibogane. Remember the name.

Is that pronounced relatively properly what you said? I don't want to get it wrong. Iboagain. Body, body, body. Ibo gain. Ibo gain. Rogaine with an eyeball. It's easy.

By the way, they gave you the easiest telucinogenic to pronounce. They could have thrown f***an ayahuasca in there. there. Silocybin. But they gave you ibo-gang. But even when they dumb the shit down for him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm falling into old habits. It's good. You did a good thing. I'm nitpicking. A lot of the people are going to get the help they need.

Ibo gang, because it's so important and experienced an 80 to 90% reduction in symptoms of depression and anxiety within one month. Can I have some, please? I'll take whatever it takes. Trump won't be president forever? I have to say, moments in these Oval Office gatherings that are somewhat revelatory of the president's psyche and really a good starting place for any accredited mental health professional. I don't have time to be depressed.

You know, if you stay busy enough, maybe that works too. That's what I do. Press, if you stay busy, it's a little thing called outrunning the darkness. You can't be depressed if the sadness can't catch you. And to be frank, I don't think Donald Trump should treat that with hallucinogenics anyway. But if he did, would we even notice? If he took hallucinogenic, he'd be like, they're eating the cats and dogs. Right near my beautiful bowl.

The poor fellow in the bed is still sick. It really freaks me out every time I look at that picture. All right, you know what, though? Maybe Trump's already taken them. given how intensely he focused on the signing of this bill I mean

he signed the shit out of this bill dude that's a good one I want to do that you think Biden can do that you ever really looked at your signature on weed it's a good thing what he did

I swear to God it's a good thing what he did and this is not political I don't mean this as political but it was weird as shit the way he signed that. It was like it was weird as shit. Like, I'm looking at that signature right now. Does that even say Donald Trump? Last name is longer than his first name.

Looks like it says Leonard Skinnered. It doesn't even, none of this makes sense. You know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to derail the program. Can we go back to just play him writing the last name? I swear to God, he doesn't write Trump. letters. Unless he's just adding characters like this is his Wi-Fi password.

I would make sure this executive order is even legal because it appears to have been signed off by David Hasselhoff. That says David Hasselhoff. But the signing capped off a bit of a winning streak for the president. The biggest news being the Friday announcement of his total victory over Iran. President Trump marches to victory. Trump told the media Iran has agreed to everything. The announcement really sparked a huge surge on Wall Street.

new record highs on the S&P 500 and the NASB. Crude oil prices falling off a cliff. Most of the points are already negotiated and agreed to. You'll be very happy. A great and brilliant day for the world. A humble poll. I was one of the naysayers who said this president got us into a war on an impulse.

I said this president didn't have a plan for a coherent exit strategy. I said this president was cavalier about the damage that this war of choice would cause. I said this president, seems to slosh when he moves because of the venous insufficiency. Like a milk carton when you go out and push across the kitchen day. All of those things. And I would like to take back three of those statements.

He does slosh. But the president's allies knew all along what time it was. The president is playing chess when the rest of the world is playing checkers. That's how he does it. I can't believe at the beginning when the whole thing started that the rest of the The rest of the world didn't say, wait, why are you playing? Why do you have a horse in a castle? And we have the little discs.

What kind of chess were they playing? He's playing three-dimensional chess. Four-dimensional chess. Playing five D chess. That's the chess where the seats move and they spray water at you. Analyst Dean Kane, could you expand on that? President Trump is playing five D chess. The dominoes are slowly just falling and toppling.

What game is he playing? He's playing chess and then the dominoes. He's at checkers ordering dominoes. The point is, I'm hungry. And while the world played jenga, Donald Trump is playing hungry, hungry hippos. Whatever the analogy is. Because of Trump's brilliant interdimensional Jedi mind, he basically got everything he wanted from Iran.

Iran has removed or is removing all of the sea mines. No money will exchange hands in any way, shape, or form. They will never have a nuclear weapon. The USA will get all nuclear dust. The nuclear dust! Does that mean we also get the nuclear dust bunnies? It's so adorable how they beg for death. But look, the enriched uranium was a huge part of this war.

The fact that Iran has agreed to transfer all of its enriched uranium to the United States, it's a win. The Iranian Foreign Ministry says Iran's enriched uranium is not going to be transferred anywhere under any circumstances. I guess Checkers is a tougher game than I thought. All right, so there's still a couple of fine details to work out on the nuclear aspect. But the truth is, we only fought this war to get Iran to open the Strait of Hormuz. That they closed when we started this war. But let's keep the main thing the main thing. Iran has just announced that the Strait of Hormuz is fully open.

and ready for business and full passage. That news is ibogaine to my ears. Could Biden have done that? No, because as I said earlier, the strait was already open. You heard it straight from the president. He declared the straight of Hormuz is open. Iran declared the straight of Hormuz closed. Iran is directly contradicting President Trump,

and he's not going to like that. On truth social, he wrote the following. The United States is going to knock out Every single power plant, every single bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Civilian infrastructure? No, after nice guy. Say hello to senior war crime.

The audience seems to be split between old people and younger people. Get yourself. How did this happen? How did the certainty of total resolution that Trump announced morph into the uncertainty of total annihilation that Trump announced? In less time than it took Carol G to own Coachella. Cool down. Hey, who wants an edible.

Multivitamin, an edible multivitamin. See, what the naysayers don't understand about Trump is that what appears to the outside observer as chaos is actually the 5D-focused stratagems of a master negotiator. This is the art of the deal. You know, we never got to see Henry Ford assemble a car, or Thomas Edison put the first filament into a light bulb, or Malcolm only fans reveal his bare foot in the town square.

But thanks to God, the Iran War has given us all an opportunity. This is history to witness in real time. Donald Trump apply the sacred principles of the art of the deal. Let's begin just a few weeks back when Donald Trump and his bombing buddy Beebe launched fierce military strikes on Iran in the middle of a negotiation, setting the stage for art of the deal

step one, state your demands. The president declaring in a truth social post, there will be no deal with Iran except unconditional surrender. It's where they cry uncle or when they can't fight any longer there's nobody around to cry on. Uncle? They cry uncle?

I believe the president may be confusing war with tickle fighting, but the point is saying I remember when Lee cried uncle at Appomatics. But you always start every negotiation by demanding everything which sets you up for step two art of the deal the consequences of not exceeding to step one we're going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks we're going to bring them back to the stone ages where they belong yabba dabba oot total surrender or total

destruction game set and i'm sorry iran has shut down the straight of her moves move. Shutting down the strait of whore moves. Well, cry me a whore river. What's that going to do? The closure of the straight of her moves causing chaos to the global economy. Disrupting the global supply chain. Causing gas and food prices to surge. Skyrocketing jet fuel costs. Sending fertilizer prices soaring. A global economic downturn that could ignite mass famine. All right, motherfuckers. I didn't want to have to do this. Move like that. Balance your run of the meal dealmaker, but the master has already prepared a step three. The president wrote, open the fucking straight, you crazy bastards, so you'll be living in hell.

The deal, step three is basically steps one and two, but with cursing. Your move, Iran. Iran says the straight of Hormuz is still closed. I see what you did there? Your move is no move, which brings us to step four. Iran has agreed to open the straight of her moose. Boom!

Motherf- just say it's open. Actually, open, even if you have a boat, what are you going to do? You're going to drive all the way there? What are you going to? You'd go to the Strait of Hormuz yacht and regatta club? Get the f***ed out of here. You didn't even know what the Strait of Hormuz was a month ago. Now you're a fucking expert on the straight-hormoos.

As far as you know, it's open, it's open. Now, the next part's tricky. Because at some point, even though you stated very clearly that the Strait of Hormuz is open, and people are going to realize it's not going to. They're still not getting food or fuel. Because this is where the art of the deal, where the fourth dimensional chess comes into play.

Breaking tonight, President Donald Trump saying the U.S. Navy will start blockading, quote, any and all ships trying to enter or leave the straight of Hormuz. Might assume you've been winging it the whole time. And they might be getting hungry or much poorer or cold. And they might have questions like, hey Trump, do you even have? have a plan? Well, the art of the deal says, don't fall for that. I have the best plan of all, but I'm not going to tell you what my plan is. I don't know people like you about that. I mean, who would answer a question like that?

Why would I tell you with that guy? Art of the deal. Don't tell anyone your plan. That would be the dumbest thing you could do, which brings us to step seven. Call up a newsperson and tell them your plan. I just spoke with the president this morning. The president said if they do not sign the deal, the U.S. will blow up every power. plant and more in Iran. But telling one person your plan, that's still just 4D chess. Step 8 is 5D chess.

Tell everyone your plan. I spoke to him on the phone this morning and told me several things. President Trump today told me if Iran does not sign this deal, the whole country is going to get blown up. In our short phone call, the president told me the strikes have caused very great losses on their leadership. She also told me he doesn't think boots on the ground will be necessary. He told me that they had agreed to talk.

I just got off the phone with the president and he called. You see how bummed out Brett Bear was that he called her? Yeah, I talked to the president. He called me. I had the number blocked, but I got those. So now everybody's on the same page. It seems like you're moving towards a resolution in a crisp and linear fashion. Everybody knows the plan.

All that's left to do is send over a high level negotiating team to work out the fine print and arrive at an enduring peace. You've got them right where you want them, where you hit them with step nine. Who's talking to what now? The president's saying he intends to send Vice President J.D. Vance to Pakistan for a second shot at peace talks today. And an important clarification. I just got off the phone with President Trump. Yet again, he told me that Vice President Vance will not be leading the U.S.

delegation. But then less than two hours later, I was told that Vice President Vance would again lead this delegation. Vance on. Vance on. Huh? With the art of the deal, basically it's a cycle. It's a cycle of demands and threats and premature declarations of victory that allows the negotiator enough wiggle room to at almost any point claim that they've achieved exactly what they've set out to do. Ultimately, achieving a nuclear deal that'll

probably be worse than the nuclear deal. Trump pulled our country out of with to start a devastating war that has killed thousands of innocent Iranians, 13 American soldiers eroded our credibility as the leader of the free world, sabotage the world economy, and will cost the American taxpayers, who knows, maybe trillions. And as that realization sinks into a population weary of your malignant narcissism and impulsivity, Trump hits him with step 10. Cuba's going to be next. That's right, motherfucker. Step 10. Keep moving to outrun the darkness.

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Let's begin with Cash Patel. FBI director and man who starts every day by looking in the mirror and saying, Freeze, freeze, FBI, freeze. And his tenure as FBI director, he's almost solved dozens of cases. But this time, the case is about him. FBI director Cash Patel is now suing for defamation over a bombshell new art. sources told the magazine, The Atlantic, that Patel, quote, has alarmed colleagues

with episodes of excessive drinking and unexplained absences. He wants a quarter of a billion dollars in damages. A quarter of a billion dollars? Our, cash Patel? Excessive drinking? I can't imagine such a thing. I mean, yeah, he does always have the look of a drunk guy

trying to convince you he's sober. But I've never seen him actually drink, although, hmm. Now that I think about it, there was that one time. Yes, I remember my first 10,000th beer. I guess in retrospect, if a room full of 21-year-old concussed hockey players thinks you're a good hang, you probably shouldn't be in charge of the FBI. You probably shouldn't even be in charge of the rental skates at the rink.

By the way, fun fact, cash was already in there drinking. He didn't even know the Olympics were happening. That's why he was so happy when the hockey team showed up. But so what? The guy parties when Team USA wins a gold medal. That's not worth a quarter of a billion dollars. How bad are these accusations? On multiple occasions in the past year,

members of Patel's security detail had difficulty waking him because he was seemingly intoxicated. At one point, the article claims even prompting a request for SWAT-style breaching equipment because the director had been unreachable behind locked doors. Okay, I mean, that sounds pretty bad. Look, I've been hung over, but I've never been so hung over. They had to wake me up the same way they killed bin Laden.

What else you got? During Patel's tenure as FBI director, the FBI has had to reschedule early meetings as a, quote, result of his alcohol-fueled nights, adding that Director Patel is often away or unreachable. The story also goes on to report, Patel is a frequent guest of the poodle room at the Fountain Blue Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada. Okay.

It is a little weird that a man whose job is in Washington, D.C., also frequently goes to something called the poodle room in Las Vegas. But I'm sure the poodle room is a distinguished, respectable, hypoallergenic social club where important men network and exchange ideas. So it's a Coke den. Ladies, if you want to get an STD on a circular waterbed, might I recommend meaning a gentleman at the poodle room? Imagine you're this guy at the poodle room, just having a good time with your shirt unbuttoned all the way,

and all of a sudden you're like, is that the FBI director throwing up on himself? And there's more in this article that just stories about cash drinking. There's also stories about him being stupid in a little high strung. Back on April 10, Patel had trouble logging on to an internal computer system. It was just a technical glitch, but Patel quickly became convinced he had been locked out, and he panicked, frantically calling aides and allies to announce he had been fired by the White House. Whoa, calm down, Cash.

How paranoid are you if the moment you have trouble logging into your computer, you think you got fired? Oh, no, they fired me. Get me on a plane to China. I'm going to tell them all my secret. I hate this country and everybody in it. Oh, wait, I just had the caps lock on. Everything's cool. God, I need a drink. But it is concerning that the guy who's supposed to be the country's top investigator can't crack the case

of logging into his own computer. No wonder he's pissed off. What else does he have to say about this article? We're not going to take this laying down. You want to attack my character? Come at me. Bring it on. Yeah, that's right. He's not going to take this laying down because then they'd have to get the SWAT team in

to wake him up. Now, as a part of his lawsuit, Cash argues that under his leadership, the FBI has achieved historic law enforcement results, which, even if that were true, doesn't prove anything. People can accomplish incredible things when they're drunk.

If Tiger Woods can successfully park in a ditch, then Cash Patel can be like, hey, go arrest some bad guys. Hell, I'm a little drunk right now. now and I think we all agree. I'm fucking nailing it. Moving on. I'm really glad. Really glad you responded that way. It would have been awkward otherwise. Moving on. Let's say hello to Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-Daremer. She's one of the more obscure cabinet secretaries, but it's never too late to get to know her.

Lori Chavez-Durremer has resigned. Damn it! Not you, too, Lori. It's always the ones you never heard of. But that's right. Secretary Lori has resigned. over a scandal. And if you're wondering which scandal, the answer is yes. Her departure comes amid multiple scandals and investigations, including drinking on the job,

allegedly taking staff to a strip club, and using department resources for personal trips. Chavez Duremer is also accused of having an affair with a member of her security team. What the hell? Was she going through her workplace anti-harassment training, like, challenge accepted? Taking your staff to strip clubs, really?

I can't think of a more inappropriate place for a government official to be spending their time. Well, maybe a strip club isn't so bad after all. But before you jackals in the media go tearing Lori down just because she knows how to party, don't forget, this woman has a family. Have a little respect for what her husband is going through. Her husband, also in hot water. He was banned from the department's headquarters earlier this year after two women accused him of sexual misconduct.

What? My boy was banned from his wife's office for sexual harassment. I've heard of men cheating while their wife's were at work. I've never heard of a man cheating at his wife's work. This guy's unreal. And to do it all with resting, I'm going to sniff your neck face, that's so impressive. Well, this cannot get worse for Lori. I can't imagine anything more embarrassing than your staff being sexually harassed at work by your husband.

The New York Times reports that the Secretary of, husband, quote, exchange text messages with young female staff members, as did her father. Her dad? They're saying her dad is trying to tag team his daughter's staff with his son-in-law. Well, no wonder she's drinking at work. This must be a misunderstanding. In an April 2025 exchange, Richard Chavez wrote to a young female staff member, quote, hearing you are in town, wishing you would let me know, I could have made some excuses to get out and show you around. Please keep this private.

Don't worry, buddy. No one's ever going to see this. Lori's probably like, Goddam it, Dad, now you know how to use your phone? This is creepy and disgusting and also such a classic parent text. Even when they're being perverts, they're like, well, it would have been nice for you to give me a heads up. You're coming to town. But this is crazy.

There's no way Lori knew about her husband. and her dad, right? Right? Some of the young women were instructed by the Labor Secretary herself to, quote, pay attention to her husband and father. Wow, wow. The Labor Secretary heard Cash Patel had a scandal

and she's like, hold my beer. And my wine and my stack of dollar bills and my dad's penis. Local news is in decline across Canada and this is bad news for all of us. With less local news, noise, rumors, and misinformation fill the void. And it gets harder to separate truth from fiction. That's why CBC News is putting more journalists in more places across Canada,

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or the van that's gone from just practical to practically family. Whatever you want, wherever you're going, start your search at ototrater.ca, Canada's car marketplace. Hash Patel, FBI director, and the man voted worst kisser by Breath of Ler. Magazine is having a bad week, he sued the Atlantic over a story alleging that he drinks too much, misses work, and that he's what's known inside the domestic intelligence community as a total chode.

And yesterday, Cash went before the press to make it very clear that he will dodge any question that comes his way. Can you say dissinitably that you have not been intoxicated or absent during your tenure as FBI director? I can say unequivocally that I never. Never listen to the fake news mafia. Yeah. Damn, that's a real masterclass on talking shit like a middle schooler who's terrible at talking shit.

Oh, you f***ed my mom? Well, I sucked your dad's bitch, dumbass. Yeah, clap for that. Talk for that. Also, the fake news mafia? I appreciate that you tried to make us sound cool. But if the news were the mafia, it would be a lot more vague. Tonight at 6.

Let me tell you about the guy who's going down the place to do. the thing, okay? Capiz. Come on, cash money. You got to give me a better defense than that. Try again. This FBI director has been on the job twice as many days as every director before me. What that means is I've taken half

as many days off as those before me. What that means is I've taken a third less vacation than those before me. Let me just check the math real quick. So we got twice as many days plus half as many over a third less. Yeah, I think he's

wasted. But it's like, it just says boobs. I don't know. But it's like, it's like my grandpa used to say, if you love your job and your shit faced at it, you'll never work a day in your life. But let's move on. To the big update on the war with Iran. Specifically,

the update is that I have no idea what the fuck is going on with the war in Iran. Nobody has had any idea since day one. Trump just started this war on us like a dog bringing us a dead bird. We don't even want this. Now, we have to clean this up?

And it doesn't help that everything he says about this war is immediately canceled out by the next thing he says about this war. It was only going to be four weeks, then six weeks, then eight to ten weeks. He wanted an unconditional surrender. Then he wanted a nuclear deal. Then he wanted to open the strait. Please, Mr. President, can you stop bullshitting us and just find an end to this war? President Trump just told the New York Post that Vice President J.D. Vance

and his delegation are in the air on the... the way to Pakistan for talks with the Iranians. Thank you. Yes. We must be nearing peace. I mean, Trump makes up a lot of bullshit, but if he says the vice president is in the air, that definitely happened. But that didn't happen. Vice President J.D. Vance, who was preparing to fly to Islamabad, never laughed. What? What? So he just made up a flight?

Look, I know everyone who knows J.D. Vance is always wishing that he was on his way to another continent, but this is not the time to manifest it into being. The ceasefire expires today, unless you're going to extend it. The president said it was highly unlikely he would extend the ceasefire. I expect to be bombing. Shit. Okay. So J.D. Vance is not on a flight, and Trump is not extending the ceasefire. Okay, I got it.

Late this afternoon, President Trump announced he was extending the ceasefire indefinitely. Indefinitely. Oh, God. So, hold on. No ceasefire to ceasefire. J.D. Vance to no J.D. Vance. Oh, it doesn't... It just says boobs again. Jesus, guys. You know what? But you know what? At least a ceasefire is better than no ceasefire.

It means that nobody's getting attacked or shot at. So, few. Actually, this is a good thing. Hours after President Trump's ceasefire extension, Iran attacking vessels in the strait of Hormuz, more ships fired upon. and seized by Iranian forces. Iran unmistakably sending a message to President Trump. Jesus! That's the shortest indefinite ceasefire I've ever seen.

President Trump, Iran's Navy is shooting at ships. Iran's Navy is gone. Shut the fuck. Just shut up. God, just shut up. Jesus. Nothing you say means anything. In fact, you know what? Hold on. I know how to deal with this.

Never in the history of warfare has an enemy suffered. Much better. Everyone, just enjoy this for a second, this blissful, bullshit-free silence. Oh, my God. I wish we could just tune him out in real life, but we can't. Because even though nothing he says matters, unfortunately, his actions do matter. So we have to pay attention.

And right now, his actions, they're fucking everything up. AAA reports the price of a gallon of regular spiked 40% since the day before the war began. Last week, the International Energy Agency warned that Europe has only about six weeks of jet fuel supply luck. That supply shock tied to the Strait of Hormuz is hitting fertilizer markets as well. Fertilizers going up. Do you understand how bad it is when the price of shit is rising? I wish I knew about this this morning when I flushed a whole retirement account down the toilet. Now, maybe you don't fly or drive or eat, but sooner or later,

the effects of this war are going to get you, possibly in ways you never saw coming. The war with Iran is having a huge impact on the global condom supply. Condoms are made from petrochemicals, and the supply chain bottleneck in the Strait of Hormuz is forcing the world's top condom producer to raise prices by 20 to 30 percent. Well, well, well. looks like that Trojan I've had in my wallet since 2002 is finally going to get some action when I sell it on eBay.

But a 30% spike in Continent price is a big deal. I mean, Jerome Powell of the Federal Reserve Bank is already suggesting that people, quote, do more hand stuff. And remember, every day that the Strait of Harmoos remains closed, the global energy crisis only gets worse, which is why today, Earth Day. I just want to give a big shout out to President Trump. Truly, because thanks to your war,

the benefits of switching to renewable energy have never been clearer. Now, we can all see the risks of anchoring the entire global economy to one narrow waterway in the Middle East that stays open or close based on the impulses of a deranged ruler. No, not that one.

There you go. Yeah. You want to know what the world would be like right now if we weren't held hostage by fossil fuels? Here's a little taste. Hey, did you hear the Strait of Hermuz was closed? The Strait of Hermuz? Isn't that the waterway that has no effect on my life? Yep, that's the one. See you later.

So President Trump, thank you. Your thoughtless war is already spurring countries around the world to invest more in wind, solar, and all the other forms of energy that you would probably refer to as gay. Now, I don't think that was your plan when you started this war because I'm pretty sure you didn't have a plan at all. But still, you have, by pure chance, help the Earth. At this point, you're basically Captain Planet.

Except if there are any records of you spending time with younger women, they've probably been redacted by the DOJ. And look, we know by now that praise means nothing to you unless it's accompanied by a trophy. So allow me to present to you, Donald Trump, with the first ever Earth Day Award for being a reckless idiot who accidentally did something good. Congratulations, sir.

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Via Rail, love the way. All eyes are still on the Strait of Hormuz, which we can now all agree is the most important narrow waterway in the world. Look, no offense to the Panama Canal, but if I were you, I'd fucking kill myself. Anyway, as part of Trump's efforts to pressure Iran to open the strait, the U.S. Navy is blockading

all Iranian ports along the coastline, which is a very complex, difficult task. But luckily, we've got the steady, stable leadership of U.S. Navy Secretary John Feeleyn to get the job done. U.S. Navy Secretary, John Feelein, ousted from his position, affected immediately. What? You're in the middle of a major naval operation

and you're firing the guy whose job is to be in charge of major naval operations? Just because what? He looks like a high school principal who's always asking the girls for hugs. How else you're going to say congrats on sophomore year? There must be a reason. Tensions between Phelan and Defense Secretary Pete Hexeth had been mounting, according to multiple sources familiar with the relationship.

The approach Phelan was taking when it came to shipbuilding appears to have been the main reason for the firing. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. I can't tell you how many friends I've lost are. about shipbuilding. It's actually kind of sad. Tim, Gary, Todd. I know we haven't spoken since our big fight about whether a displacement hall

is superior to a semi-displacement hall, but I still think that a semi-displacement offers better balance of range and speed, but I wish it hadn't torn our friendship apart, especially since none of us were actually building a ship. Also, sorry for banging your wives. In retrospect, that was childish and uncalled for.

That'll do it. But this firing is a little concerning, especially because we're losing all of the military expertise that I'm sure John Phelan had been bringing for the job, for I assume, years. Before taking the job just 13 months ago, Feelein was a Florida businessman and a major donor to President Trump's campaigns.

He had never served in the military. Holy shit. That's it? They put a guy in charge of the U.S. Navy because he's good at being rich. Secretary, six incoming torpedoes. Quick, throw some money at him. I mean... But still, Trump hangs out with lots of rich people.

There must have been something more about John Feelein that he liked. John Feelein is named on a flight manifest, indicating that he flew on Jeffrey Epstein's private plane in March 2006. God damn. That plane was like a LinkedIn for creeps. Someone on there must have been like, yeah, I dittle kids, but only for the networking. So maybe it's not so.

bad that Heggsett isn't feeling, feeling anymore. But who's taking the helm from him? Replacing him as acting head of the Navy will be under Secretary Hung Cow, a combat veteran who ran unsuccessful campaigns for the House and Senate in Virginia. This is a great gentleman. I love his name, Hung Cow.

I love that name. Okay, sure. I'm sure he loves that name now, but how long until Trump forgets hung cow's name and starts trying to get close? Hey, the carrier's under attack. Where's a fat dong, huh? Hey, anyone seen chubby wang?

By the way, hung cow was my nickname in high school. That's right, ladies. I was well-endowed, and my farts caused climate change. Now, to be clear, cow does have some things that you want in a Navy secretary, like 20 years' experience in the Navy. But in case you're worried that Trump accidentally hired someone normal, not so fast.

For example, he seems very concerned about Christians being persecuted even when it's a bit of a stretch. There's a place in Monterey, California, called Lovers Point. Yeah. The original name was Lovers of Christ Point. But now it's become, they took out the Christ, it's Lovers Point. Oh, okay, that's very interesting. So that's actually just like Orlando originally was called Orlando,

don't you love Jesus. Is changing it from Lovers of Christ Point to Lovers Point that big of a deal? I mean, if they change it to Rimjob Lovers Point, yeah. That might send a signal. but they didn't, and that's why I have no interest in going. But sorry, I interrupted. You were talking about how all the Christians were driven out of Monterey, California. So what happened next?

And it's really Monterey is a very dark place now. A lot of witchcraft and the Wiccan community has really taken over there. And we can't let that happen to Virginia. Yeah, no, yeah, we can't let Virginia be taken over by witches. Also, I have a follow-up question. What the f*** are you talking about? Why? I mean, why is everybody they appoint so

fucking crazy? Can they just find a normal person with a normal head on his shoulders who believes normal things? What kind of sailors did this guy even want to recruit? When you're using a drag queen to recruit for the Navy, that's not the people we want. What we need is alpha males and alpha females. Alpha females, right. So drag queens.

Maybe he's right. Maybe he's right. Maybe we need Alpha Mayas who will beat the shit out of our enemies and alpha females who will mock their insecurities so precisely they'll never leave the house again. But what exactly will the alpha males and females do that others can't? What we need is alpha males and alpha females

who are going to rip out their own guts, eat them, and ask for seconds. Those are young men and women that are going to win wars. You want Alpha males. and females who eat their own ripped out guts? Maybe I don't know what war is. I mean, I guess it might freak out the enemy if they see the Alpha soldiers pulling out their own stomachs and eating them, but that's only going to work once.

Also, not to be nitpicky, but if you eat your own guts, where do they go? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show. Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Soccer fans, your chance to witness history is here.

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