The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart Critiques Trump's WHCD Set & Jordan Klepper Eyes Fauci's Explosive Diary

Episode Date: August 1, 2026

Catch up on the latest headlines with The Daily Show News Team. Jon Stewart comments on the rescheduled White House Correspondents' Dinner and Trump's failed attempt at comedy. Jordan Klepper weighs in on the president being called a "pedophile protector" yet again while visiting a General Motors facility in Michigan, and breaks down how the Trump administration accidentally reimagined drug trafficking. Plus, Klepper covers Lindsey Graham's funeral, the DNC getting scammed out of $29K, and the underwhelming release of Anthony Fauci's diary. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You're listening to Comedy Central. The United States and Iran taking a hydration break. A welcome cessation of hostilities. The respite gave President Trump a chance to stop bombing the strait of form. moves and to start bombing at the White House Correspondents dinner. The other day, Senator, I knew got a text, a great guy from his wife. And she said, when you get home, I want to have you immediately come up the stairs and make love to me.

And he said, I can't do both. You know what the, you know? In other words, can't go up the stairs and make love. Does anybody get that? You know, normally I'd say don't quit your day job, but in this case, I will make an exception. Yes, Friday night was the White House correspondent's dinner part of, yeah, where the media elite got to hobnob with hobgoblins. If you remember, the first attempt ended prematurely by, let's say, very intense heckling. The frightening scene prevented the president from delivering his humorous remarks, prepared remarks,

which was a shame because if there's one thing the President Trump is known for, it's his joyful love of mirth. We all know that he has a great sense of humor. He's going to deliver a really good speech. I mean, he's funny. He is hilarious entertainer. His comedic timing is really good. If you hadn't become president, he could have become a stand-up comedian. This guy is honestly one of the funniest presidents we've ever had.

I think Trump's the funniest president of all time. Funny how? How the f*** is he funny? Does he amuse you? How the fuck? What's so fucking funny? No, seriously, I am asking you. Because when I was watching him do that one joke, he doesn't seem very funny at all.

Hey, but you know what, man? Look, I've been in that situation. We all try new material. Done go. You move on to the next one. You cannot judge Trump's whole hour-long special. Just based on that one joke, Mr. President, what else you got? UFC Freedom 250 fight.

I'm pleased to announce that we're going to host an even bigger one right in front of the White House every Friday night. See, this is great. Simple premise. Easy, refillable. We're going to be hosting more fights. So these are just going to be jokes about who's on the card. What the fights are going to be.

It's simple. Set up punchline. Or... It's every Friday night, every Saturday night. We're going to have fights in front of the White House. But we do have something coming that's... And I'm only kidding. You know, the one thing about...

We are going to have Indy 500. Roger Penske's coming in mid-Augn. Germany, Japan, all these countries. They spend billions and billions of dollars trying to win the Indy 500 on July 4th. We were over at the mall, and it was raining. It's supposed to be really bad again. And we didn't do it the following day, and we didn't do it two weeks later.

We did it when we were supposed to do it. It was a fantastic celebration. You set up the premise, and then you just walk off into the street? Boss is so cheap. Well, before I get to that, it was raining. The guy went four minutes before introducing. the first joke fight in his own premise. But I can exclusively reveal to you this evening

that for the heaviest of the heavyweights, we will have sloppy Chris Christie, one of the sloppiest human beings you'll ever made. Fighting, I would say, I could mention the governor of Chicago, but I'm gonna mention instead Jerry Nadler. What the, oh my God! You're changing the target of your roast joke Halfway through the fucking Joe!

We don't know the target. Just change it. Don't say, I was going to make fun of the governor of Illinois, but Jerry Nadler. And by the way, are there two more relevant targets than Chris Christie and Jerry Nadler? Ooh, wait till the former governor of New Jersey, an outgoing congressional district 12 representative of New York, get a load of this. their careers will continue to have been over. But you know, look, I don't, I'm, you know what, it doesn't, the walk doesn't matter as much as the destination. Let, please land this joke.

And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake, big fat piece of cheesecake. Who the hell wrote that line? It sounds like you. It sounds exactly like something you would say. Look, this is a solid premise. here's an easy joke to land with this premise. Oh, and tonight, I'm proud to announce the next upcoming fight at the White House. AOC will face off against her greatest enemy, a simple question about foreign policy.

See, it's simple. Give that joke. Give that joke a go. And then you have a congresswoman, Alexandria, Ocasio, Cortez, AOC plus three. That's their three friends, right? Okay. AOC plus three. And I watch her give that answer when she was over in Europe.

It was not a good answer. If I ever gave that answer, I would be out of politics. You don't have to talk about what you saw. Remember, you cannot have a 19 second wait time. Just fucking do the joke. But we'll then have a rematch against an extreme, simple question on a foreign policy.

Nobody knows what you're saying now. Security conference. It was a big security conference, and this was the first time up. No! In terms of that. And we had a... You don't do jokes like you're reading them for the first time.

pounds of roast jokes and we're five pound back, it doesn't work this way. There are rules to these things. Look, let's just... Obviously, the more complex jokes you're not going to better handle. Let's just stick to simple burns. Simple burns. You can't f*** that up. Look, here we go. Here's what I'll do for you. I'll bring out

a... Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to help you along. Ready? That's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. We got the rim shot. We're going to do simple burns. You can't... He's up with your little wandering off weaves.

Go. So they thought about going with a professional clown for entertainment, but Adam Shifty Shiff was not available. You know, he's known, I called him, I hate some people. You know, I shouldn't say this. I'm not supposed to hate him. I'm supposed to love everybody. But he's a terrible person.

He's a liar. Traditionally, roasts work because at the heart of it all, you only roast the ones you love. saying you hate someone in the middle of the joke really takes a lot of the pleasure Don Rickles might not have been the sensation he was

might not have been so beloved if he ended his act with no seriously, fuck the Japanese I don't like them as people try again and I called him watermelon head because he has the largest head I've ever seen with the smallest neck pencil neck

How does that big, fat, ugly head stand on a little pencil, pencil neck? Okay, there's probably something in there. But you might not be the perfect messenger to deliver a roast about someone's big, fat, ugly head. It's another rule of roast. It's just a different. Very tough to land solid jokes about something you yourself clearly suffer from, although admittedly you're fat ugly head sits on what appears to be, not a pencil, but a big, fat, ugly neck. So maybe the joke is a proportion issue.

Hard to point out the pencil neck when your mug sits on what looks like a rhinoceros's vagina. It's a rental. Honestly, the only funny part of the jokes was watching the crowd's reactions. It was a melange of confusion, boredom, and at one point, existential crisis. Your audience at a comedy show. You never want the audience at your comedy show to clearly be rethinking the choices that led them to that night. Why did I go to grad school? The audience was so distraught and perplexed that at times it was difficult to discern whether you were watching their reactions to Trump bombing at this dinner or their reactions to a gunman interrupting the last one.

Which brings us to the hottest game. game show of the summer season. Shooting or bombing. Number one. Milling about. Some smiling. Some are filming. Some are filming. General sense of eh.

That's a good mix of schmooze humor, a hint of concern or confusion. The correct answer. Shooting aftermath. That was after the shooting aftermath. Let's go to number two. Hmm. Sadness and shock. What happened?

How could this have happened? happened. The correct answer? This, that's the face he made while Trump was telling jokes. Look at his face. He's literally like, is anyone going to stop this madman? People are going to get hurt. Here's the next one. Let's see. Okay. What is that? Is that the shooting or the bombing? Okay. All right. I, obviously that was after the shooting. I knew you would get it. It pretty easy. I just wanted to remind everybody that the night of the shooting, R.F.K. Jr. left his wife to fend for himself. No. There was no trick to it. I just thought that was like the most f***ed up thing I'd ever seen in my life. Here's another quick roast rule. Try not to build a whole routine around a premise that's no longer operable.

You can't have somebody like a J.B. Pritzker, who I understand is not present, sadly. But, you know, some people say, never use the fat word. And I don't. I would never call anybody. I have my own problems, you know? It's not like I'm perfect. Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat pig, okay? You can't call J.B. Pritzker a fat pig, please. Actually, he's lost a lot of weight. I saw him recently. He lost quite a bit of weight.

Bring it out. Although now, obviously, she's on the GLP ones. And I mean, she does. If I'm being honest, looks fantastic. I mean, here's one, years ago, when she sat around the house, She really sat, although I can't say that now. She's the driving me 50. The point is this.

Your mother was so fat. I'm glad she got the help she needed. Here, listen. God willing, she lives to see those beautiful grandchildren walk to me. I promised myself I would have cried. The deeper problem for Trump is that last weekend revealed he has lived so long in a magical world of his own creation, curated for his comfort and positive reinforcement. He's the ultimate snowflake, rewarded with unearned participation trophy laughs.

That he doesn't even know what's actually funny. Because everything he says is funny in his Truman show of an administration. I don't know if I can handle looking 20 pounds heavy. Boy, you said the right thing. That would have been the end of Croft. Good steel, right? It's supposed to green paper mache. They do treat me well, Sharpie.

But of course, the night demonstrated another hard truth about Donald Trump's administration, that whenever his warm front of fantasy collides with the cold front of reality, there's no one to blame, but everyone else. And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake, big fat piece of cheesecake. Who the hell wrote that line? She wasn't high up on her totem pole. Who the hell wrote that? That was actually the only thing I thought was good in this whole freaking stupid speech that they wrote.

That was the only good one, and that went down with not exactly great laughter. You know what they say? A great carpenter always blames his tools. And Donald Trump is surrounded by tools. But no matter how his writers let him down, boy, Trump just kept digging. Tried to make a simple joke about Caitlin Collins. but unfortunately triggered himself in the process, turning the entire event into a festivist grievance miracle.

But I want to personally congratulate CNN's Caitlin Callens on receiving her award. It was all about me. It's a fake. She shouldn't get the award. It was a fake. But I didn't mind. I said, Caitlin, congratulations.

But it was fake. There's no question about it. But she's a young, attractive woman. She never smiles. I said, Caitlin, do you ever smile? smile. You have a nice position. You're at CNN fake news.

You should be a happy person. So smile, Caitlin. Just smile. My favorite thing in that is Wolf Blitzer kept looking over like, you want me to f*** him up? I'll go f*** him up. You want me to get a piece of them? I'll go right up there.

I'll slam shit on it. Oh, Will Smith that motherfucker. You want me to go out of that? Caitlin Collins' name! This was a bad night. Don't take my word for it. Even Trump's cadre of media fanboys and girls had to admit it. I've seen him be very funny, and so I think he could have been a lot funnier.

I think it's a missed opportunity. It really had no positive effect on anybody, including him. I think it could have been a lot shorter and it could have been punchier. Some of the jokes veered off into very sort of onry insults, and that's not going to land for many audiences. That guy couldn't polish this turd? That guy who spends his days bending over backwards to figure out how to tell you that the war in Iran is go-g-g-uh. Even he's like, I can't put lipstick on this motherfucker.

Look, beyond the fact that Trump was terrible, the dinner should not have happened at all. In fact, it shouldn't ever happen. Quite frankly, memorializing the collegial and cozy relationship between the press and those that they cover is at best a very bad look in normal times. I don't need to see the cops and robbers getting along at a banquet honoring our penal code. You can celebrate the First Amendment without asking your opponent in that fight what he thinks. You already know what he thinks. We are a nation that no longer has a free and fair press.

Fake news is all you get. Fake news. Fake reporting is what's tearing this country apart. These corrupt press, they corrupt. Crooked, dishonest. media. Just horrible people. These are horrible people. They're sick and evil people. Real dishonest people. They're so bad for the country.

It's almost treasonous. I have to be honest. It's almost treasonous. They are truly the enemy of the people. Who wants dessert? I'll fight you for the last piece of cheesecake. Look, as much as I enjoyed Donald Trump having to squirm through Wolf Blitzer describing in vivid detail why the Wall Street Journal won a reporting award, It was the end of that tour to force that demonstrated the perverse bargain the entire night encapsulated. The journal's courageous reporting on President Trump's past relationship with financier Jeffrey Epstein triggered the release of the so-called Epstein files,

thousands of documents that might otherwise have remained hidden from the public. And despite the president's threat of a lawsuit, the journal published a story about a provocative letter to Epstein bearing President Trump's signature. I love that you should have just kept going. I mean, you should have seen the shit they didn't release. I mean, this guy knows what I'm talking about. But it was the next moment that for me solidified that this event is worse than pro forma.

It's actually an act of submission. Trump quickly filed a $20 billion lawsuit against the journal, revealing reporter Kadeja Softdar's home address. Her family had to be relocated. I'm a little stinker. She wrote an objectively true story about my depraved relationship with Jeffrey Epstein,

and I got her life threatened. Did I do that? I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at them, but they're all in there just snicking it up. So he just gets to shake hands with the leaders of a profession, with the leaders of a profession whose members he has subpoenaed, arrested, sued,

cut their funding, threatened their licenses, barred their access, and even had fucking deported. And the sad truth is, if Trump had known he could win an award for that Epstein story, well, he'd have told them about the Epstein files himself. Twizzlers keep the fun going. Yeah, I know.

I just stopped whatever you were listening to to tell you that Twizzlers keep the fun going. Well, irony isn't my forte, but twisty, chewy, yummy Twizzlers sure is. So think of Twizzlers as a little pallet cleanser for whatever's queued up, which, by the way, should be coming very soon. Like any second now. Okay, Twizzlers, time to keep the fun going. Let's start in my home state of Michigan, which is Ojibwe for,

we're saving up to move to Chicago. Yesterday, President Trump visited a GM auto facility, where he Kim Jong-unned his way down the display floor, checked to see if a car was cake, and apparently got tricked into signing a lease. Don't get that rust-proofing, okay? It's a scam, trust me. By the way, I know we always rag on Trump for being weird,

but knocking on the car hood is probably the most normal thing he's ever done. There is not a dad in the world who can walk past a new car, without wrapping on the hood to check that build quality. You know, like, yeah, yeah, that's a car. That checks out, yeah, yeah. You know what? At least this tour went a lot better than the last time Trump visited a car facility

in Michigan back in January, which, if you remember, went like this. As the president toured a Ford manufacturing factory, this moment caught on camera and video obtained by TMZ. One man shouting at the president, pedophile protector. Wow.

Show some respect for the office. That's president pedophile. Protect her. Respect. Come on, Michigan, look, it was an embarrassing event for all involved. Luckily, this time, Trump made it through his whole tour without a hitch, and he was able to move on to his speech.

The trade deficit in automobiles was more than $300 billion annually. That means outside countries and companies were coming in and just robbing us blind, and it was causing tremendous problems for your jobs. But now all of them... Now, all of that is changing because I place this... Oh, what does this keep happening? Is it the same guy? Is it something in the water?

Is it because Trump with head millions of Epstein files and people are furious that no one has been held accountable for it? We'll never know. But come on, Donald. This will not stand. Hit him with a comeback. He's a communist. He's a communist.

Oh. Okay. If you're wondering, communist is the opposite. of pedophile. We all remember watching Karl Marx hosting to catch a predator, so... I mean, maybe this is the political spectrum now? Like, I'm just a straight down the middle type of guy,

fiscally communist, socially, bettophile. Look, my fellow Michiganders, please stop shouting crazy shit at Donald Trump. He was elected to shout crazy shit at us. Continue. For years, you watch companies move production from America down to Mejahoe. I'm sorry.

Down to where? Mejaho. He's saying it that way on purpose. Next question. Why? There's a very nice president of Mexico. You know that. She's very nice and she speaks beautifully and she calls it mejho.

Oh. Please meet with China next week. Please meet with China next week. Please meet with China next week. While Trump is ranting about mejho, Just down the road, they're opening a new international trade route between the U.S. and Canada. Or as Donald Trump calls it, kind of ha. It's called the Gordy Howe International Bridge.

It connects Michigan and Ontario in a symbolic, unifying moment between the two countries. Today was supposed to be this unifying moment between the two countries, but instead it's sort of dripping with a stain. And that's because at the 11th hour, Trump imposed these 50% terrorist. They were actually supposed to have a joint ribbon cutting between the two countries. Instead, Canada hosted their own without a single U.S. elected official in sight. It's so heartbreaking to see mom and dad fighting like this.

And to the bridge, it's not your fault. Think of it this way, little Gordy. You get to have two Christmases, okay? And even if Trump isn't excited for this bridge, Michiganers are. And that's why Michigan's local... news offered rudimentary bridge driving tips. And I mean very rudimentary. MSP pushed out an important warning for anyone who plans to use the new bridge. First,

check this out. Don't stop on the bridge or exit your vehicle. Great tip. Let me write this one down. Stay in car while driving. Great. All right. Thank you, Andre 1000. Appreciate it. Do you have any more advanced tips for bridge driving? Follow all posted traffic signs and message boards. Obey posted speed limits. Drive for the current traffic conditions. Stay focused on the road and put away any distraction. Buckle up every time, every trip.

Buckle my seatbelt? That's not even bridge specific. This is just a driver's ed class. I mean, why am I even taking driving tips from a guy who looks like he only travels by hot air balloon? Why are you talking like this is the first bridge Michigan has ever seen? Stop treating us like we're stupid.

We're not Ohio? We're not. But let's move on, because Trump isn't just beefing with Canada. He's also beefing with the entire rest of the world. He's losing his war with Iran. He's losing his war with Yemen. he's somehow losing Ukraine's war with Russia, and now it looks like he's even losing his war on drugs.

After bombing dozens of boats and hundreds of deaths, a DEA assessment reportedly shows Operation Southern Spear, which started in September, has not reduced the amount or even the purity of cocaine flowing into this country by sea. Hell yeah, let's fucking go! I mean, another policy failure from the Trump administration. Yes, somehow the cocaine in America is not only still plentiful,

but according to DEA officials and my stockbroker Cody, it's that good shit. I'm confused. How has the tactic of blowing up random fishing boats not stopped all drug traffic? The Trump administration strikes on alleged narco-terrorists have only encouraged drug lords to find new ways to bring narcotics into the United States. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course drug lords found no. ways. These are the same people who found a way to sneak in a powder using your butt. They're pretty good at problem solving. They're probably all got in a room and we're like,

all right, we're going to crack this drug smuggling nut. We've got to pull it all nighter, but how are we going to stay up all night? Uh, any ideas? Anybody? Anybody? Cody, you, huh? Let's start with the Democratic Party. With the way the country is heading, they are poised to make big gains in the 2026 midterms, as long as they stay focused and don't do anything stupid. New reporting reveals a scammer stole nearly $29,000 from the cash-strapped Democratic National Committee last year after posing as chairman Ken Martin in a fraudulent email. Jesus Christ! Your 2026 Democratic Party, everyone. We will stand up to the rising forces

of authoritarianism and tell them loudly that our pinnesty. number is 1.003. But let's move on to someone who probably could still win an election against the Democratic Party. Senator Lindsay Graham. Yesterday was his funeral, and beforehand, his remains were honored in the Capitol Rotunda.

Personally, I don't understand this tradition, because, I mean, that's his office. Like, when I die, I don't want to be brought back to work and displayed next to the copy machine, you know? I want to be shot out a cannon straight into the Kalamazoo River as per Klepper family tradition. But the big story was President Trump's appearance at the funeral,

where he made sure that the tic-tacks he chewed were the funeral-appropriate mint ones. I tell you, now that is leadership. This is a nation in mourning. There will be another time for citrus adventure. And then our president, and his newly freshened breath, stepped up to the podium. and attempted to say anything nice.

Anything nice at all. No matter how heated things got in Washington, virtually everyone, Republican or Democrat, liked Lindsay. Well, not everybody. But it sounds good. I can't believe I have to say this to Donald Trump, but can you just lie to us?

It's a memorial. You could paint a rosier picture. I didn't go to my Uncle Lou's funeral and tell everyone he was the Zodiac killer. I said he was good with numbers, you know? Come on, Donnie, you guys spent so much time together. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe share a heartwarming story about how you two met. As you remember, Lindsay and I did not exactly get off to the best of starts. Back in 2016, Lindsay said something rather nasty.

So naturally, I did something that I shouldn't have done. shared his personal cell phone number with the millions of people that happened to be watching that particular day as I made a speech. Okay, interesting choice. I might have chosen a moment that highlights Lindsay's character, but I guess

the time he got 10,000 calls from guys named Mike Roch and Hugh Jass is also equally good, but the point is, you got off to a bumpy start, you shared his phone number, but that's all in the past. I remember the number 202.

228-0292 if anybody wants to give it a shot. What's to give it a shot? What do you think is going to happen? You think the phone's going to start ringing in the casket? Lindsay's going to burst out of the coffin, like, I gotta get this. It could be someone trying to book me on a Sunday show.

Also, why do you still know that number? I don't even know my wife's number. I just know, like, my number and, like, 1877 cars for kids. That's it. Look, I... I know Trump is the president. So, of course, he had to speak.

But I do hope that when he's finished, we get to hear from someone outside of politics with a more personal relationship to the late senator. Fox News host, Sean Hannity, is next up to give remarks to give a eulogy. Shut. They couldn't find a personal friend that Lindsay loved, like a predator drone or something. I mean, have our politics and media fused so tightly

that a premier guest at a senator's funeral is a pundit and a right-wing network dedicated to parroting that specific senator's propaganda in an escalating spiral of grievance and culture war stoking? I mean, please, please, please, please, please, please, please tell me I am being too cynical that maybe this isn't all just about propaganda and ratings, and this speech will be a beautiful, touching tribute.

Senator Graham was great for ratings. It's so true. It's so true. It's so true. So true. Oh, you know what? Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe the first thing St. Peter checks at the pearly gates is the TV ratings. Mother Teresa, you scored a point two with the 18 to 45 demo. Enjoy hell, bitch. You know what? Hannity didn't just come to praise Graham's lasting effect on Sweeps week.

No, he also wanted to remind people how in life Graham so dearly love proximity to power. been so honored, Mr. President, that you were here. Mr. Vice President, that you are here. I see the Secretary of State is here. I see the entire cabinet is here. Thank you, all of you, each and every one of you. Chief of staff is here.

Steve Whitkoff is here. Yes. My favorite part of the eulogy. The crowd shout-out section. Steve Whitkoff is in the hizzy over here. What's up, player? I see Marco Ruby over there getting his cream on. Yeah. Oh, there's

Big Hecketh over there in the back at the bar, pouring one out. Oh, he's drinking it? Oh, okay. It's 10 a.m.? You do you, boo. Do it. Tell you what? Usually at a funeral, there's some fun speculation about how the deceased is in a better place. Maybe a give us some of that, Sean. Lindsay, Mr. President, I'll argue in my mind probably has a heavenly version of Mar-a-Lago. He may have a little more gold in the Oval Office in his mansion in heaven. And I wouldn't be surprised if he added one big beautiful ballroom and an arch somewhere on the property. Okay.

Okay, you know, let me get this straight. You're saying that when God asked Lindsey Graham, where do you want to spend eternity? Lindsay said, you know that tacky club in Palm Beach that's so ugly it became a nickname for botched plastic surgery? I want you to stuff a ballroom in it, slap an arch in there, and then pack in an oval office so I'm living in a Trump version of backrooms.

That's... That's my little slice of heaven. I mean, okay. With all due respect, with all due respect, why the fuck would anyone want that? Because he would want to obviously duplicate his dearest friend in life. You, Mr. President. Wow.

That's really what it has all come down to for Republicans. Your entire life is so thoroughly and abjectly reduced to the ass kissing of one man. And then when you die, other Republicans use your eulogy to continue the ass kissing in a perpetual motion machine of chapped lips and lubricated cheeks. And maybe, maybe. And maybe, you know what, in some way, sucking up to Trump is just the best way to honor how Lindsay Graham lived his life. But surely, there must have been some other thing this man was known for. He was extremely hawkish.

I will tell you, he never saw a war that he didn't like. Yes, that is true. Perhaps the man loved Donald Trump, but he also loved bombing people. Now streaming on Disney Plus, the Hulu original series Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black, played by Emmy Rossum, on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer.

Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. New episodes week over week. Watch the Hulu original series Furious, now streaming only on Hulu on Disney Plus. Do you guys remember COVID, that thing that briefly turned humans everywhere

into alcoholic indoor cats? Remember that era where we lost friends and family to the Joe Rogan experience? We were trying to flatten the curve or deltimore. the Omicron, or whatever the f*** we were trying to do. Regardless, I know that Republicans remember COVID because ever since the pandemic,

they've been calling for the arrest of Dr. Anthony Fauci, who spearheaded America's COVID response. And this week, one of his biggest haters escalated things. Senator Rand Paul has released Anthony Fauci's diary entries. Ooh! Dr. Fauci's diaries are out in the open for anyone to read. It's going to have all the juice, the evidence and reveal which variant he had a crush on.

Now, if Rand Paul released Fauci's diaries, they must reveal something incriminating. So let's hear what Dr. Anthony Fauci was trying to keep secret. Fauci writing, it is not hyperbole to say that today I am the most famous and talked about person in the country, and one of the most recognizable. Yeah, it's not really a secret.

Everyone knew. Everyone knew that. I mean, I literally saw Fauci more than I saw my parents. Mostly because they couldn't figure out how to turn on the Zoom camera. What else you got? He said, quote, the press still hot and heavy about me, multiple stories per day directly or indirectly involving me. Yeah. Again, he was famous.

We know that. A lot of us had Fauci fever. I mean, the pandemic made us say crazy things. or wear crazy things, you know? Come on. Come on. I'm looking for something with substance, not just embarrassing gossip.

In another diary entry, Tony is writing about an Instagram post with supermodel Tyra Banks, and Tony Fauci wrote, quote, one person said that Tyra was very sexy, but that I was even more sexy than she was. Come on. Are we supposed to be surprised

that Fauci wrote about being called sexier than Tyra Banks? If someone called me sexier than Tyra Banks, I'd write that in my diary. You know what? I'd write about being called sexier than Carlton Banks. I might even write about being compared favorably

to a Bank of America. I have very low self-esteem. Honestly, this just sounds like an old man not realizing how unhinged Instagram comments can be. Then another commenter used an eggplant and a water-splashing emoji to, from what I understand, emulate an ejaculating penis. Needless to say, a great honor.

Look, Rand Paul, Dr. Paul, DJ, Polly Rand, we don't care about Fauci's interactions with celebrities. Give us some entries with answers. Had great call with Barbara Streisand. I told her that I work listening to her songs on Alexa. She really did not know what Alexa was. I accidentally butt called her later in the evening. You butt dialed the Barbara Streisand,

the funny girl, the Dolly Levi, the Gental Mendel, the Esther Hoffman Howard. So basically, these diary entries didn't reveal any shocking revelations about Fauci's criminal negligence or intent. But that didn't stop Republicans from dragging Fauci into Congress yesterday and grandstanding on it. Somewhere along the line, it became all about you. You became a nurse.

and a megalomaniac and a liar. And you've lied to the American people, and you've lied to this body. Wow. Strong start, Senator Josh Howley. And, by the way, I love the hair. Something about that hair. It just makes you look super cool, man.

And smart. No notes. All you need to do now is bring it home. You know, hit him with a closing line that makes everyone stand up and cheer. You've done more to harm science than anybody in my lifetime. and I hope you'll go home and write that in your diary.

Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Is this thing on? Is this thing not on? Let's see, let's see. Anyone here have been to Wuhan? Anybody? Anybody? Of course, Republicans weren't just there for political theater. They were hoping to get Fauci to say something on the record that they could use to incriminate him. Unfortunately, for them, Fauci had an answer for everything. Excuse me. One answer for everything.

Are you disappointed how you handle COVID? Do you have any regrets? On the advice of counsel, I respectfully declined to answer based upon my rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution. On the advice of counsel, I respectfully, respectfully declined, decline to the client to answer. Under the Fifth Amendment, I respectfully declined to answer. What color tie you're wearing? On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer. Oh, you won't talk, huh? Don't worry, boys. I got a question for him. Dr. Fauci.

What's your favorite Barbara Streisand? song. I respectfully declined to answer. Damn it! He's good. He's very good. So, Fauci answered every question by invoking his right to remain silent. Well, nice try, Doc. But your silent speaks volumes. I'm no

body language expert, but we're going to have one in a few minutes. Let me show you this. You ever see Mr. Burns on The Simpsons? I still love the Simpsons and he did this thing with the hands a lot. Fingertips on fingertips. What do you make of that? It says something.

It has to say something, right? Otherwise, this whole segment would be stupid. I'd look like the biggest dip shit on TV. And while I have a body language expert here, the president going like this, that's normal, right? Right? It has to be. This is weird.

Normal. Weird, normal? You know, I'm getting confused here. I'm getting confused. What is it that Dr. Fauci did that is so heinous that you are still trying to get him six years? years afterwards. Well, he did fund gain to function research at a sloppy lab where a virus escaped and left

a million Americans dead. Complicit in the deaths of millions of people. The guy killed or had something to do with killing nine million people. Okay. Wow. That's right. He engineered the virus that killed millions and millions of people because it was so deadly, a threat to everyone.

The COVID virus was simply not a threat to most people. All my spidey senses about him, about the entire scamdemic, were accurate. A lot of us that COVID was a flu. To tell kids they couldn't go to school for years for no reason, Dr. Fauci lied about his own personal views. Shutting down the country for a virus he knew wasn't that deadly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. See?

It's deadly. And it didn't matter. And millions died, but it was fun. and, God, my head fucking hurts, okay? My ears are bleeding, and are those symptoms of the deadly virus? That doesn't matter, I just don't understand.

Can someone try again to tell us what was in these diary entries? If you read the stories in the so-called mainstream press about the Fouchie Diaries, you will see an exact parallel to the Biden... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the pipe. What's going on here? Are you guys... Are you guys trying to solve COVID or a murder on the Orient Express? But I know about Dr. Fauci shall we retire to the hot tub, my dear boys, chop top. Listen, guys, can we dial this back a bit? I'm not saying Anthony Fauci made no mistakes, but it's not like the man is Hitler.

Fauci's guilty of mass murder and crimes against humanity on a scale of a Hitler and a Joseph Mangala. Okay. I stand corrected. In fact, Hitler also committed all his crimes to meet Barbara Streisand. Fun fact. By the way, if you think America's response to COVID was really that horrible, is there someone other than Fauci?

You might put some blame on. Maybe somebody Fauci worked for, could even be somebody you may have met one or two or three, four, five times. Maybe a little turn around the room might jump. your memory, no? Donald fucking Trump! He was the guy who was president during the pandemic, and he also thought Fauci was sexier than Timber Banks.

He's a good man. I like Dr. Fauci a lot. He's been doing a very good job. We're very happy with Dr. Fauci. And I have a lot of respect for Dr. Fauci. And I have to pay tribute, we have, whether it's after Fauci, we have the best people or this. Normally when Trump praises something like that,

that highly, he just had his broker buy a ton of stock in it. And look, this is not to say Donald Trump is the one big villain of COVID. There is no one big villain of COVID. Well, except maybe COVID. He was a bad dude. It was an unprecedented pandemic that we spent years stumbling through, trying to find some patchwork of solutions that would protect our health while keeping our society

from total collapse. Did our leaders make mistakes? Of course they did. Should we try to find out what we did wrong? Of course. But that was not what was happening. with Republicans this week. They were doing the only thing we do anymore. Shove a complex issue through a performative partisan filter, but it's not going to do anything for us to throw Anthony Fauci in prison.

It's not even going to do that much to Anthony Fauci. I mean, threatening an 85-year-old with life in prison that's kind of like putting a kid in timeout 10 minutes before school is over. In fact, coding public health as a partisan issue is incredibly dangerous, because we've already seen what happens when a party comes in thinking that public health is the other party's issue. The Trump administration has started carrying out mass layoffs

at the Department of Health and Human Services. The cuts will impact roughly 3,500 workers at the FDA, 2,400 at the CDC, and 1,200 at the NIH. Chanceling almost $500 million in funding for 22 projects focused on developing MRNA vaccines. An office established to prepare the nation for future pandemics is reportedly down to just one staffer.

The source says it's not clear who that person reports to. There's one guy left. This is why we are losing a Diary Award to lettuce. It's accessible. So here's the point, America. How about instead of looking for partisan scapegoats

for the last pandemic, how about we for once work together to find out how we could focus out preventing the next one? I think that. That is a plan. Even Dr. Fauci couldn't agree with. What do you say, Doc?

I respectfully declined to answer. Gotcha. Save it for the diary. I get it. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11,

10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. I don't know.