The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Iran Updates & Klepper on Surging Gas Prices and Afroman's Triumph
Episode Date: March 21, 2026Catch up with all the biggest news of the week with Jon Stewart and Jordan Klepper. Jon covers all the latest updates from the Middle East, including the closure of the Strait of Hormuz, Brendan Car...r and Pete Hegseth's anger over the media's coverage of Iran, and a wartime recession on the horizon for Americans. Jordan weighs in on Trump's plans to "take Cuba," counterterrorism chief Joe Kent's resignation over the war in Iran, MAGA's "micropenis" infighting, and Republicans spinning high oil prices into patriotism. Plus, Klepper chimes in on the president's unsavory Pearl Harbor joke at a meeting with Japan's prime minister, and Afroman's glorious defamation victory against the police. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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You're listening to Comedy Central.
As many of you know, war is God's way of teaching America.
geography. And class is in session. I give you the straight of Hormuz. Of course, Gen Z will tell you,
no Hormuz is 100% straight. But it's a passageway choke point for 20% of the world's oil,
kind of a lazy river for fossil fuels, not to be confused with the strategic Iranian island of
Khargh, which we also attacked.
We attacked Harg and Hormuz.
Because if we've learned anything from these past 20 years,
it's that America will bomb anywhere that has a Scrabble score above 12.
Oh, we'll get to you, Uzbekistan.
And you guys, you're not going to believe what Iran did after we attacked them.
Breaking news.
The Supreme Leader said that the Strait of Hormuz, which is a critical shipping lane for nearly 20%
of the world's crude oil will remain closed.
Was it scheduled maintenance?
Oh, wait.
Is this because of the incessant bombing?
Oh, we're going to play the one card we have to stop you from collapsing all of our infrastructure.
Real mature.
Well, you know what?
Close it.
See if we care.
Gas prices up, diesel prices up, Jeff Fuel prices up.
And in some quarters, you're beginning to hear whispers of concerns over the all.
R-word, recession.
Their existential fight for existence.
Inconvenience, our commute.
And by the way, the R-word?
Oh, this whole thing is the R-word, all right.
The word I would use for the decision to attack Iran.
But Iran has now closed the Strait of Hormuz,
leading to surging gas prices and risking the global economy.
Of course, there was no way to know that that was going to happen.
General Dan Cain, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,
warned President Trump that Iran could close the Strait of Hormuz.
President Trump acknowledged the risk, but told his team that Tehran would likely capitulate
before closing the street.
Oh, would that?
Oh, don't worry about it, everybody.
Gee, who would have thought that a guy who did this during a solar eclipse or a warning?
By the way, my favorite part of that goes, he looks up in a solar eclipse.
Free time!
But not to worry, this sudden bottleneck of the world's oil supply, it's not a big deal.
It's barely closed.
The only thing prohibiting transit in the streets right now,
is Iran shooting at shipping? It is open for transit, should Iran not do that.
Other than Epstein, it's a wonderful island.
So right now, the ships cannot make the passage because they're being attacked,
and the risk is too great. There were some mines that have been laid. It's going to take a lot
of foresight and planning to thread this needle, come up with a strategic plan.
Luckily, I think the president has one.
I also asked the president about the rise in oil prices, $100 a barrel.
And he said this, these ships got to go through the strait of removes and show some guts.
Captains, Philip, I know you may not want to sail the slowest moving vehicle on earth.
Packed with the most flammable liquid on earth through the most active war zone on earth.
There's an easier solution to the myriad difficulties that have arisen from a hasty war of choice.
It seems light on plans for the inevitable unforeseen consequence.
and contingencies.
The Trump administration is threatening to go after U.S. TV networks for their coverage of the war with Iran.
Yes, the solution. What if we just didn't hear about it?
We've got two choices. Do this war better?
Or make sure that the news networks only tell you that we are doing this war better?
I know which one FCC Chairman Brendan Carr prefers.
FCC Chairman Brendan Carr hosted this on X.
Quote,
broadcasters that are running hoaxes and news distortions,
also known as the fake news,
have a chance now to correct course
before their license renewals come up.
No, he didn't.
Networks have to learn.
You better not lie and give misinformation
about how this war is going.
That's Donald Trump's job.
Did the United States bomb a girls' elementary school?
Based on what I've seen, that was done by Iran.
They have no accuracy whatsoever.
What's done by Iran?
He's going to lose his president license.
Unless he moves to basic cable,
jump in, Donnie, the water's warm.
To be fair, the administration isn't just criticizing how the media covers the war.
They're being constructive about it.
Allow me to make a few suggestions.
People look up at the TV and they see banners, they see headlines.
For example, a banner or a headline,
Mid-East war intensifies, splashing on the screen the last couple of days.
What should the banner read instead?
How about Iran increasingly desperate?
Does desperate have an eye?
So smart.
You know, we should be doing that.
Like, instead of the straight of Hormuz is closed, like they put up there,
why not just say 99% of world's waterways now open?
And by the way, news organizations, what's with all the depressing footage of things being blown up
and people running away in terror?
Surely there's a more uplifting version that honors our greatness.
Iran has claimed responsibility for that hit.
They said they used underwater drones to strike the oil tankers.
Video showed enormous fires following the impact.
Was that so hard?
Well, if you can't trust the fake news media,
and we've got so many unanswered questions about the reasons for the war,
how long it's going to go.
I mean, who can we turn to for clarity to give it to a straight?
There's no better communicator than our president?
President Trump laid out clear objectives to the American people.
He's the best communicator I've ever seen.
Allowing myself to get all confused and flustered.
Why don't we just go to the source?
All this time we've been relying on independent sources
or outside observations and analysis
when the truth and the clarity have been staring us in the face all along.
So to clear up all the confusion about this war,
Conflusion.
To clear up all the confusion about this war,
I've assembled an expert panel.
to help explain what the war is actually about in a lucid and clear-cut way.
So please welcome to the program, President Donald Trump, Donald J. Trump, DJT, and John Barron.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, thank you so much for joining me today.
It's great to be here and great to be back.
It's a great honor to be here.
I just want to say it's a pleasure to be with you.
I have no idea who you are, but that's okay.
Good one.
But all right, let's get.
right into it. Look, let's just start with the basics. There's been some confusion over whether
or not we are even at war. Can you clarify for us? If America is at war, I'll start with you, Donald
Trump. This was just an excursion into something that had to be done. Okay. All right. Thank you.
It's not a war. It's an excursion. It's an excursion. President Trump, do you agree?
This is an excursion, a little excursion, and I think it's only that.
Okay. So it's actually like a minor, just like a walkabout, like a bit of an exploding
amble, if you will.
John Barron, how is this excursion
going, this little
suissant of pl.
We're winning a war, buddy, a lot.
So it's a war.
Because earlier, we heard President Trump and Donald
Trump say it's an excursion.
It's both, it's an excursion
that will keep us
out of a war.
Okay.
All right, DJT, it's both a war
and an excursion that will stop the
war that it isn't.
excursion in the streets, war in the sheets.
Is that what I'm hearing?
It sounds good to me.
I bet it does so.
But thank you so much for not clearing that up.
Do you have any sense of how long this is going to go?
Combat operations continue at this time in full force,
and they will continue until all of our objectives are achieved.
Understood.
So obviously, we have to bear down and achieve all these objectives
before we could ever just stand up and say it's over.
we won. We won. We won the bet in the first hour it was over. That was two weeks ago.
So the objectives, if we won and our objectives are met, and that was two weeks ago,
why are we still at war? We've already won in many ways, but we haven't won enough.
Motherfucker. So we're there till we win. We've won. We haven't won enough. I'm can't. I'm sorry,
we've got Don from Palm Beach on the line. Sir.
You said the war will end when we achieve our objectives,
and they're very clear that we've won, but not won enough.
Sir, if you can, how will we know then when we've won enough?
When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones.
I'll do respect to your bones.
But should we really be giving them more responsibilities?
Seems like they've got enough on their plate with getting you up and down.
the stairs thing.
Gentlemen, I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I can kind of see why we're having trouble
keeping this trade of Hormuz open.
In fact, there are some naysayers out there.
I want to read you a tweet.
Guys, I want to hear your response to this.
This is a tweet from Donald J. Trump at Real Donald Trump.
Here's what he says.
Hopefully, China, France, Japan, South Korea, the UK and others will send ships to the area so that
the Hormuz Strait will no longer be a threat.
How do you guys respond to that?
That tweet by Donald Trump,
would the military support of other nations
be helpful and welcome in this endeavor?
We don't need anybody.
We're the strongest nation in the world.
We have the strongest military by far in the world.
We don't need them.
Everybody needs us.
We have the weapons.
We have the strength.
We're very strong.
They need us much more than we need them.
I will tell you that right now.
See, this is the clarity.
This is the clarity that we've been looking for.
We're going to go it alone with our bomb buddy, Bibi.
We're the strongest country in the world.
All right, let's move on to another topic.
I'm sorry, Donald, you had something you wanted to say?
They should be not only thinking it, as they should be helping us.
What does surprise me is that they're not eager to help.
We need anything, any piece of apparatus that they may have because of a situation that they have,
they should be jumping to help us.
We requested two aircraft carriers, which they had, and he didn't really.
want to do it? I said, why don't you send some ships over? And he really didn't want to do it.
So to sum up if I can, we don't need your help. We don't know it's hard to imagine, but you know,
we're not the only people affected by this bombing campaign. The Iranian people, along with suffering
under this terrible regime, are now living through an intense aerial bombardment. Gentlemen,
what's your message to the Iranian people? Now is the time to stand up for the Iranian people and help
take back your country.
Now is the time to seize control of your destiny.
I call upon all Iranian patriots who yearn for freedom to seize this moment.
That's big.
You're calling on the Iranian people to try to overthrow their own government.
Donnie down in Palm Beach, do you agree with that statement?
So I really think that's a big hurdle to climb for people that don't have weapons.
Who's going to do that?
They literally have people in the street.
streets with machine guns, machine gunning people down if they want to protest, okay?
Sir, it's an excellent point. Donnie makes an excellent point. Guys, there seems to be some
disagreement amongst the Trumps on the merits of, let's call it an Aronuary 6th type movement.
And I've got to be honest with you guys. I mean this. There are others even more critical of
your decision to launch this where. I'm going to play you this for you. And then I'd like
your reactions.
Our president will start a war with Iran
because he has absolutely
no ability to negotiate.
Guys,
I mean, you can dismiss
the comment, but that's from the
author of the art of the deal.
How do you respond?
I would say that it's
one of the dumbest
things I've ever heard. Really are a loser.
What an idiot. What a jerk.
Low IQ. He's a low IQ individual.
Well, sir, I can't disagree.
You know, there have been many who've been saying for some time, you know,
I'm wondering, we may have disagreements about how long this is going to last
or what the ultimate objectives are.
But I think we all agree that sending American men and women into harm's way
is the gravest decision any American president can make.
I think the American people wish Godspeed to our soldiers,
wisdom to our leaders, and a just peace that accommodates and recognizes the humanity of all those.
I'm sorry, am I boring you?
Oh, President Donald Trump, am I born?
Donald Trump, can you believe this guy?
Oh, for a f*** sake!
Does anyone on the panel want to jump in and come?
Oh, my God!
I don't have to do this, but how's the ballroom renovation going?
I think they'll save money on the door.
We need it for a hundred years.
I think I'll save money on the doors
because it can't get more beautiful than that.
Thank you for clarifying all of our questions.
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According to public polling, the war in Iran has less support at its outset than any previous
American war.
And wars are almost always popular in the beginning.
They're kind of like Apple TV shows.
People are like, I don't know what's going on here, but for some reason, I'm on board.
But President Trump doesn't need popular support
or congressional consent to declare war
because he's got a high-profile fan on his side.
President Trump made news
when he suggested a former president he's been speaking with
wishes he had done to Iran what Trump has done.
I spoke to one of the former presidents
who I actually like,
and he said, I wish I did what you did.
Okay.
First of all, why is the president holding onto the desk
like it's a safety bar and a six-flex?
flags roller coaster.
No, come into the Oval Office.
I'll be right with you.
Just let my French tips dry, you know?
No biggie.
But the big question is which former president
gave Trump props for the war in Iran?
Come on, Trump.
Fill the beans.
I just want to ask you about something very interesting
that he said twice today.
But you talked to another former president
about the Iran strikes.
Was it George W. Bush?
I know.
Was it Bill Clinton?
I don't want to say.
Oh, I think you've said plenty, Mr. Trump.
I don't want to give away who it is.
All I can say is that I was recently helping him prep for his Epstein Island deposition.
That's all.
By the way, I love how Peter Deucey is trying to play Guess Who with our toddler president.
Is he wearing glasses?
Is he bald?
If he was doing karaoke, would he be allowed to sing all the words in gold?
digger?
No.
There's also another
possibility, and this may come
as a shock, which is that
maybe, just possibly, Trump
pulled the whole thing out of his
ass. It needs to each of the
four living former presidents
all deny they have had any such
conversations with President Trump.
Yes.
The living former presidents
denied talking to Trump.
Trump never said
living.
What's more likely that Bill Clinton thinks starting a half-baked war in the Middle East was a good idea,
or that Trump spent 20 minutes talking to a portrait of Grover Cleveland?
Regardless of who he's been talking to about it,
I'm just glad the president has his mind 100% completely focused on this daunting situation with Iran.
I do believe I'll be the honor of having the honor of taking Cuba.
No!
Just got you!
This is not the time to be true.
Taking Cuba. By the way, what do you mean by taking Cuba?
Taking Cuba.
Taking Cuba in some form, yeah.
Taking Cuba. I mean, whether I free it, take it, I think I can do anything I want with it.
You want another, too?
You can do anything you want with it?
I don't know what's worse, that he's talking like a supervillain or that he sounds so bored about it.
You should be cackling with lightning in the background when you say shit like that.
Why are you sounding like Lexa Pro Luther over here?
World is mine, Superman, I guess. Whatever.
While Trump seems unengaged, some people in his administration are getting worked up.
Breaking news. The head of the National Counterterrorism Center, Joe Kent,
announced just hours ago that he is resigning immediately over the war in Iran.
Oh! I mean, that would be even more damning if this guy wasn't an unqualified crackpot,
But it still has to shake up a president
when one of your appointees resigns over your war.
I read his same, and I always thought he was a nice guy,
but I always thought he was weak on security,
very weak on security.
You know what? I guess that tracks.
Everyone knows the qualifications for running
the National Counterterrorism Center go,
nice guy, brings muffins to the morning meeting,
and then all the way down the list, good on security.
But this split is dividing the entire MAGA movement right now.
There's the anti-war side with people like Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, and Megan Kelly.
And there's the pro-war side with Sean Hannity, Lindsay Graham, and Mark Levine.
And as you can imagine, the quality of an internal MAGA debate is highly intellectual.
On the X platform, Mark Levine posted, poor Megan Kelly, an emotionally unhinged, lewd, and petulant wreck.
She's completely revealed and destroyed herself.
In response, Megan Kelly posted,
Micropenis Mark D.T. as the monopoly on lewd.
He doesn't like it when women like me fight back
because of his micropenus.
Feels like a bat at the Oxford Debate Club.
Be it resolved, that dick be tiny.
Now, it's not a good look for President Trump
to have his followers fighting so publicly
over their micropenuses.
Donnie, why don't you step in and heal the divide?
President Trump defended Mark Levin,
posting that he is somewhat under siege by other people with far less intellect capability and love for our country.
Mark is tough, strong, and brilliant.
In response, Megan Kelly posted that Mark Levin went running to daddy about his micropenus.
Oh.
It's obviously not fair to accuse Mark Levin of running to daddy about his micropenus.
Although I imagine having a micropenus makes the running a lot easy.
Totally unrelated.
But in high school, I was the slothed.
The slowest guy in Jim class.
Did you notice that at no point
did Trump deny the micropenus allegations?
Not exactly the full-throated defense you want.
He has a micropenus.
Hey! He's a nice man!
Also, I'm sorry. Are we at war? You're tweeting about your buddy's
micro penis. Was FDR taking time out of his fireside chats
to be like, anyway, that's how D-Day went.
Now if I may say a few words about whether my friend Zachary has a chode.
Please, please.
Isn't there anybody who can calm the situation?
Marjorie Taylor Green, you're a...
You're a respected member of Maga.
Perhaps you can bring some intellectual substance to this debate.
Former Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green posted,
I wholeheartedly support Megan Kelly telling the world that Mark Levinn has a micropenus.
Marjorie, come on!
All this talk about micropenuses, we're losing.
sight of the real reason we attacked Iran, which is
shit.
You know what? Now that I think about it, we never got an answer to that
actually. And believe me, I've been searching for one harder than Mark Levin's
urologist, you know? Boom! Sorry. Sorry, Mark, I had to get in one last
small one. Just like you. Boom! Okay, look, can conservatives please
just stay focused on the actual war? There's a new Iatoly
in power who is dead set on revenge.
You should be talking about him,
not gossiping about men's penises.
The New York Post is reporting
that the president was just briefed
about the new Ayatollah.
Sources are saying Ayatollah Jr.
might be gay.
You gotta love that banner.
New Ayatollah is probably gay.
Give it up for the fourth estate, everyone.
Wow. Bravo.
Love the media.
Who apparently are now reporting gossip
like their high school mean girls.
This just in from the CIA,
the new Ayatola got his period
in the driver's ed car.
Fine, fine.
I guess we're doing this.
Media establishment.
Let's hear that hot, hot goss.
Ayatollah Jr. might be gay
and has been making aggressive
sexual advances on his male caretakers
while hopped up on meds.
His father reportedly thought
he was too gay
to be Iran's support.
leader.
Too gay, the implication that the supreme leader of Iran should be a little guy.
He should be like, death to America, except Lady Gaga.
So that's basically where we're at right now.
This country has launched itself into a devastating regional war in the Middle East.
The president is focused on taking Cuba.
His movement is split amongst themselves, and the media is turning into TMZ.
The quality of our discourse has absolutely vanished.
And in these fraught times, is it too much to ask for just a little bit of thoughtfulness and dignity?
If we could just have the smallest amount, it would still be bigger than Mark Levins.
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As the war continues into its third week, oil prices are skyrocketing,
which is devastating for everyday Americans like commuters, truck drivers,
and that guy from Dune who lives in a pool of oil.
He can only afford to bathe in a kitty pool now.
It's really demoralizing.
And if you're thinking, that's fine, I rarely bathe in a pool of oil.
This won't affect me.
Think again.
Now, if oil prices keep rising, this flows through to a lot of areas, heating oil goes up, airline ticket prices go up, delivery services, public transit can go up, and groceries, child care, elder care.
Gas is affecting elder care?
I swear to God, if this means my grandmother can't send me $10 for my birthday,
she's f*** dead to me.
Yes.
For those of you who drop your nana off on a Delta flight in the morning
and just let her circle around in the sky all day,
it's going to get a lot more expensive.
And it may surprise you,
but those tennis balls old people put on the bottom of their walkers
come directly through the Strait of Hormuz.
Just...
Now, so, high gas prices have my...
world in a tricky position now,
because there's no way to spin it as a good thing
to the American people.
Unless, you know what?
Unless, what if we're the problem?
$3,0.50 cents gasoline.
People are talking like this at the end of the world.
No, it's not.
I can handle the gas prices.
People can handle the gas prices.
We're hardly ever called on to sacrifice anything anymore.
Freedom is not free.
Americans are going to have to make some sacrifices.
For gas prices to go up a little bit is suddenly raising so much
concern. Think of how much worse it was in World War II than what we're facing that.
Is that the bar as bad as the worst war in human history? So stop bitching? I mean, you can dismiss
any concerns that way. Oh, you're upset because home ownership is out of reach. You know who else
doesn't have a home? Saving Private Ryan. Maybe. Instead of shaming the American public for complaining
about prices, a more thoughtful appeal might help.
This is short term, and I'm asking you to just trust the man.
Okay, trust the system, let him cook.
Hold on for like two to three tanks of gas.
It'll be an extra $10 to $12 a tank.
Two or three tanks?
You don't know how many tanks of gas I go through, man.
My wife just joined a Tokyo Drift Club.
She's got a Tokyo Drift right through our kids' college fund.
But you heard him.
This is just temporary pain that will all,
be worth it in the long term.
I'm sure everyday Americans will understand
and we'll take this in stride.
If you could say something to President Trump
and he was going to hear you right now,
what would it be?
You are a worthless pile of shit.
Oh, well, someone's not getting an invite to the new
ballroom.
You know what? I'm sure that lady was probably
just another Trump derangement syndrome
liberal who makes her morning macho
with a Ruth Bader Ginsburg
wist.
Let's hear what else this member of the
resistance had to say.
And you voted for him how many times?
Three times. That was my bad.
Apparently, I'm an idiot.
She's a three-time Trump voter.
Just imagine how angry she'll be
when she votes for him a fourth time.
Let's move on.
Because unfortunately, for Trump, it's not
going well for him on Capitol Hill either.
Two weeks ago, he sent Christy Knoem to the great
costume bin in the sky.
And when Trump thought about who
should replace Noem as head of Homeland Security,
only one name came to mind that happened to be two names
smushed into one name, Mark Wayne Mullen.
He had his confirmation hearing today,
and some people were expecting fireworks
because Mark Wayne has bad blood with committee chairman Rand Paul.
In fact, you might remember that 10 years ago,
Rand Paul got beat up by his neighbor when he was mowing the lawn.
And since then, Mark Wayne Mullen
has taken the side of the neighbor.
I believe we have a quote from Mullen about Paul.
Rand Paul's a freaking snake.
And I understand completely why his neighbor did what he did.
Oh, low blow, Mark Wayne.
Pick it on someone with half of your names.
I mean, although to be fair,
while Rand Paul does only have one first name,
it is his last name for some reason.
All very confusing.
But of course, that fight was a decade ago.
This is an important confirmation hearing.
I don't think Rand Paul is going to use it
to try to settle old scores.
You told the media that I was a freaking snake
and that you completely understood
why I had been assaulted.
You had never had the courage to look me in the eye
and tell me that the assault was justified.
Tell me to my face, why you think I deserve it.
It's a lack of contrition, no apology, and no regrets.
So you say you completely understood
that I was assaulted from behind,
had six ribs broken and part of my lung removed.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You had a lot built up there, man.
You said your piece.
Now it's out of your system.
We can move on with more pressing issues.
When I talked to you on the privately on the phone,
there was no apology.
So how do you think I'm just going to set that aside?
I don't know the word apologize.
Haven't heard the word regret.
You supported the felonious violent attack on me from behind.
Who do you think started that character as well?
I'm repeating your support.
for the assault.
You have no regrets about being happy,
being completely understanding why I was attacked from behind.
Are there still your opinions?
Mark Wayne, Mark Wayne, Mark Wayne.
Think he's a little upset?
Maybe out of respect, just to help smooth things over,
tell Rand Paul you do not support his neighbor beating the shit out of him.
I did not say I supported it.
I said I understood it.
There's a difference.
Not how a worker says,
I don't support cannibalism, but I understand it.
You're not trying the shepherd's pie
they're bringing to the potluck, okay?
But look, Rand Paul was actually trying to get
at a question about Mark Wayne's temperament.
Because Mark Wayne didn't just not apologize.
He also had a unique argument
in defense of political violence.
You did many interviews in which you justified the violence
as historically justified by precedence,
such as caning and dueling.
What I was simply pointing out is some of the rules that still applied to this body.
For instance, dueling with two consenting adults is still there.
I was pointing out what is still...
Been illegal for 170 years.
I'm sorry.
Does the next Homeland Security Chief think that dueling is still legal?
My man, it's definitely not legal to duel, even if your first name is currently involved in one.
Senator Mark Wayne, rather than dueling.
May I suggest that it's actually just much easier to just apologize.
I've even got the perfect phrase for you.
My bad, apparently I'm an idiot.
Yeah.
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Business.
Almost three weeks into the war in Iran.
And it's not going great.
Oil prices are surging.
Our planes are getting shot out of the sky.
And now Pete Hegeseth is asking for an extra $200 billion to fight this war.
And they say women be shopping, huh?
And on top of all of this, our allies are angry that Trump started this war without consulting them.
But of course, President Trump is smoothing things over with his trademark charge.
Why didn't you tell U.S. allies in Europe and Asia like Japan about the war before attacking Iran?
Because we wanted surprise.
Who knows better about surprise than Japan?
Okay? Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor?
Okay?
The Japanese prime minister did not like that joke.
I haven't seen an American bomb in front of Japan that badly since.
You get the idea.
Although I will give Trump credit, though.
He didn't do a Japanese accent, so let's call that progress.
But taking all of this into account,
it feels like America could really use a way.
win right now.
Rapper Afro-Man wins a defamation
lawsuit filed by seven
Ohio sheriff's deputies
because he's calling it a victory for freedom
of speech.
It looks like American victory to me.
I mean, just look at what he's wearing.
If aliens
landed here in America, they'd be like,
take me to your leader. Oh, it must be this guy
right here, right? His glasses.
Love the glasses. Now, you might
remember Afro-Man from his hit song
Because I Got High. Or, you
You might not remember it because you got high.
But basically, back in 2022, local police in Ohio
busted down Afro-Man's door, rummaged through his clothes,
took money from his house, scared his kids,
all to look for evidence of crimes that they never ended up charging him with.
Now, after a raid like this, a lot of people might try to lay low for a while,
not piss off the cops.
But Afro-Man happened to notice this particular moment.
moment where one of the deputies was searching his kitchen and looked longingly at a lemon pound
cake. And Afro-Man did what Afro-Man does. He released multiple satirical music videos using his own
security camera footage of the incident that included images. You're seeing some of that here
of these officers. Oh, man. I'll tell you, rap songs have really evolved. They used to say
the police. Now they body shame
them over carbs.
And that was just the beginning.
Afro-Man put out a whole series of
videos about the cops, addressing
specific grievances in songs like
will you help me repair my door?
And why are you
disconnecting my video camera?
As well as songs
with more general
observations.
Randy Walters, this is
a son of the bitch.
That's my out.
That is right.
why AI will never replace real musicians.
Now, a lot of people found these cuck-the-police music videos funny,
but the police officers who starred in them did not.
So, last year they sued Afro-Man for defamation.
And right away, the officers had a problem,
which is that when you sue someone for making fun of you,
you have to get up on the witness stand
and talk about how badly you suffered from it,
which led to moments like this.
Sean, you were called Officer Poundcake.
Did that Mr. Pornish?
Multiple times.
You'll save hundreds of pound cakes at work.
The horror! The horror!
I can't imagine the pain of being sent free desserts!
I just hope Afro-Man doesn't find out that I love banana pudding from Magnolia Bakery.
It would be devastating if my haters sent me hundreds of them with the Nilla Wafers.
specifically. I mean, oh God, I would never recover.
Remember, Officer Poundcake
wasn't Afro-Man's only target.
Officer Randy Walters sued Afro-Man for saying,
I mean, what was it again?
Randy Walters was a son of a bitch.
Right, right, right.
Which again, met Randy Walters
had to get up on the witness stand
and answered the question,
are you a son of a bitch?
And when they call you a son of the bitch, that would be an opinion.
I'd assume that that would be an opinion.
Because there's no way we can prove whether you're a son of the bitch or not.
She's been done from you.
I'm sorry about you.
No one mentioned your mom.
Your dad could be the bitch.
I got to say, I didn't realize that determining whether or not someone was a bitch was part of the legal profession.
It does give me hope for my new pilot.
bitch court with Judge Jordan.
Anybody's buying.
This is generally the big challenge
with the defamation lawsuit,
because to win,
you have to argue that a reasonable person
would believe that Afro-Man's claims
were facts and not just jokes.
And that's especially awkward
because Afro-Man also said
he slept with Randy's wife.
Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry.
How did he put it?
Yes, thank you.
So, now poor Randy Walters
had to argue that a reasonable person might believe that,
which led to perhaps my favorite moment of the tribe.
So you're claiming that is the defamation statement
is that he said he had sex with your wife?
Yes.
Okay.
And that's painted you in a false light.
It's caused tremendous pain in my life
that my wife is cheating on me with Mr. Foreman.
But we all know that's not true, correct?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Just look at me in my whole deep.
I think a reasonable person could assume I'm unable to satisfy my wife.
Look, okay, okay, obviously, obviously no one thinks that Afro-Man is sleeping with this guy's wife.
I wouldn't dare slander them or their beautiful child.
Now, can I just say, can I just say this?
This puts Officer Poundcake in an even worse light.
The other guy is like, Afro-Man called me a son of a bitch and say,
said he f***ed my wife.
And then you're like, yeah.
And he said I had a sweet tune.
Again, OK, the central question of this case
wasn't whether Afro-Man songs were factual.
It was whether people would think they were true.
And this is how his lawyer made the case.
Look at that suit.
Does this look like a man who thinks
that everybody's going to assume that everything he's saying is back?
Getting to see how brilliant wearing that suit is.
Ladies and gentlemen, does my client look like
someone you should take seriously.
He dresses like the
DJ at the club where Betsy Ross
strips. And by the
way, I love this lawyer, too.
Look at Hagrid Esquire
over here.
Let's wrap this up. I got the Big Zeezy
top case at three, and then
I got to go back to forging my own
swords. Thank you, Your Honor.
But there were actual free speech
issues on trial here, and Afro-Man
was unapologetic about
his rights. After they run around
my house with guns and kick down my door, I got the right to kick a can in my backyard,
use my freedom of speech, turn my bad times into a good time. Yes, I do. And I think I'm a
sport for doing stuff because I don't go to their house, kick down their doors, flip them off on their
surveillance cameras, then try to play the victim and sue them. Wow. If I want to stand up
and salute because of the speech he gave or because he's wearing all the American flags.
Regardless, I'd say Afro-Man should run for president.
Except that was a real thing that happened in 2024.
Didn't support him.
I could have had President Afro-Man right now.
I'm not saying that would be ideal, but you can't tell me it wouldn't be an improvement.
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