The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Media's Hantavirus Panic & Klepper on MAGA's Missing Trump Phones

Episode Date: May 16, 2026

Get caught up on the latest headlines with This Week's News: Jon Stewart slams the media for sensationalizing the hantavirus outbreak despite assurances from health experts that it poses no serious public health threat. Jordan Klepper weighs in on RFK Jr.'s creepy concerns about teen sperm, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy kicking off his ethically dubious road trip reality show, President Trump's high-stakes trip to China, and MAGA's outrage over their missing Trump Mobile phones. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. But first I want to check in on the president. You know, his approval rating is currently lower than really ever, I think. It's really, it's not good. Really, thanks to a combination of inflation and he's a dick and the war in Iran, the ongoing energy crisis in his own body. Weekend to Donnie's. But as is always the case with Donald Trump.

his MAGA base remains unfazed. Now, this week saw the formal dedication of a 22-foot gold statue of Trump at his Miami golf course by none other than evangelical Pastor Mark Burns. Pastor Burns must have known that he might take some criticism for preying over a literal golden idol because he wrote on social media, quote,

let me be clear, this is not a golden calf. It is not. But if I may say it is a full-grown cow. That is a golden cow with a gold load in its... I don't want to suggest this is actually a case of false idolatry. If it was, God would probably be punishing us the same way he did in the Bible with a plague. And, I mean, that's not happening.

Breaking tonight, the deadly outbreak of a rare rodent virus on board a cruise ship. to contain a suspected deadly virus outbreak. The public health threat so dangerous. Nightmare at sea. Cruise chaos. A cruise from hell. What? Another pandemic?

Are we going to have to start washing our hands again? Or freaking the f*** out in the target? Target? This shit's up. Although, I have to say, on the plus side, I can't believe I still fit into my old hazmat suit. Question here, though, are we all going to die?

It's not like COVID. It's not like measles. It's not a very efficient transmission. The overall risk to the public is low. You don't need to be hysterical about it. I know we don't have to be hysterical about it. But you know what? It's a relief.

I'm glad we don't have to be hysterical about it. COVID was a respiratory virus. Passes easily. Often when the person isn't symptomatic. It was a brand new virus. We had ever seen before, and we weren't allowed to know where it came from. I mean, we didn't know.

We were obviously allowed to know we just didn't know. While the Hanta virus is a known virus, it's difficult to transmit, it's mostly spread by rat infestation, which does raise the question, how did a cruise ship end up with hanta virus on it?

A husband and wife who were the first to be stricken with the so-called rat virus reportedly went bird watching at a rat-infested landfill when their cruise ship was docked at a remote city in Argentina. I have some questions. It's going to walk down the list.

A, what cruise line offers day trip landfill excursions? Bird watcher, landfill, and spend the whole day going, uh, seagull, Seagull, Seagull, used condom, no, that's used condom, sorry, seagull, vulture, seagull, condom, vulture eating, seagull eating condom. But in bird watching lingo, that's known as a vulgolum. A lot of people serve

that on the holidays. The point is, some people may get pretty sick. But forget COVID, this ain't no pandemic. Hell, this haunt a virus and not even in monkeypox territory. But I guess reality don't sell papers. So

boys, we learned that everything was okay on Tuesday. What are we doing Wednesday through Friday? The WHO has been vocal in saying this is not another pandemic or epidemic situation. Can they be so sure? Should people be worried? Is this another pandemic? Could the hentivirus mutate?

People have a right to be nervous. You got to have a right to be nervous. But I guess the question the news might want to ask is, do we have a reason? And your assignment, news, should you choose to accept it? is to help the public discern the difference. So may we hear from the experts again? The potential to spread beyond an outbreak is very small.

Should be pretty limited. It should keep it contained. Shouldn't really have any concern at all. I have no concern about that. I guess it's going to stick this time. I want to make the timeline clear to everybody. Sunday, we found out Haunted virus had been on a cruise ship. Monday through Thursday, expert upon expert,

scientists upon scientists, very transparently explained why this illness, while a serious illness, is a low-level public health threat. Their words went a long way to easing the concerns of a curious public. And Lord knows the news

can't let that happen. So on Friday, after three days of reinsurance, I give you nightline. A dream vacation turning into a floating nightmare. Authorities now working to stop the spread and track down passengers who've already left the ship, including to the U.S. The looming question, could this become the next pandemic? God damn it. Percussion on that?

Did it whether it was going to be the next pandemic had been asked and answered for three days. But apparently that was before the authorities decided not to fire a torpedo and sink the cruise ship, burying its diseased passengers and cruise entertainers in a watery grave befitting their disease. That's right, folks. These people from this

ship were going to be allowed to disembark. Allowed to disembark. The deadly hauntah virus is no longer contained to that cruise ship. It is now literally flying around the world. Why they let them off the boat, releasing them off the boat, just creates new problems.

Why did they get off the boat and then come back to America? How long people on the ship should be isolated before being allowed to leave and then walk among us? Are crazy about the idea of people who take cruises walking amongst us. I just don't think it's... And I respect that. But there's still people. They're just people who wanted to travel the world on a floating shopping mall they can throw their fiancé off.

Trust me, it's got a higher body count than the hanta virus. Trust me. I could be convinced to be on Team Synch them all. But again, let's listen to the experts that the news people themselves have vetted to answer these questions responsibly. Dr. Rasmussen, do you have any concerns about the process of the passenger? returning to their home countries? So I don't actually have any concerns about this process from a scientific perspective,

because I actually think that the process itself is completely suitable for this virus. Oh, suitable for the virus, but not suitable, apparently, for this news cycle. The news experts say stay calm, but the news media says, no, I believe we prefer panic. Right now, we're in the port where the ship won't even be allowed to dock.

You can have a look at what this looks like. That is the MV-HonDOND. Those are the Americans finally on board that evacuation boat. And you see there's a small group of them being ferried back and forth. Helping ferry passengers off the ship and onto some smaller boats to land. Off of the ship, on these little boats that bring them here through a tent. Within minutes, they are on a bus headed straight for the airport. We're looking at a portion of a bus that looks similar to the ones that people have gotten on to.

Literally showing us a bus they're not on? You're just cutting to showing us what a bus looks like. like? Yes, Jim, the passengers are getting on and I'm being told that the wheels on this bus go round where the wheels go round and round, Jim. I see, and can you ask

will that be all through the town? I believe it will, Jim. I believe they will be going all through the town on the bus. They were treating it like the OJ Chase. It was, that's the logistics of how you get from a boat to the fucking shore.

But don't worry. The news media is high-level technology gets us access we never could have gotten before. These images just coming in, those Americans getting on buses and waving before boarding their flights. Dron video from Spanish authorities capturing the first passengers leaving... Dron

video! Spectacular! Such good use of drones! Ukraine uses theirs to defeat Russia! But good on you! I still have not learned enough. I mean, I know they've gone from a boat to a smaller boat to a to a bus, but at this point, I've somewhat lost the trail. Where will it end?

Where will these who are supposedly to walk amongst us end up? Perhaps in a room? If so, what does the room look like? Is it furnished? If it has a bike, will that bike be stationary? Each person will have their own room. equipped with special ventilation system, private bathrooms, exercise equipment, and Wi-Fi.

Private bathrooms, exercise equipment, Wi-Fi. Oh, maybe we should all get the Haunted Virus. It's actually not that luxurious. Only one of them will be given the password, which I believe is lowercase hauntavirus, but the I is a one, and the S is a dollar bill, y'all. Look, we are now eight days into this non-pandemic.

and it's beginning to affect our Mother's Day coverage segues. It's a very happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. This morning, that cruise ship hit by a deadly hanta virus. The state of our union is calling our mom. This morning, 17 Americans are beginning a trip back to the U.S. Happy Mother's Day, all the moms watch you, let's kick this off. Pandemic panic. You love her, but also keep your eyes on it.

Because you don't know if she's got her or not. I'm going to tell you this, if she turns, you know what you have to do. No, she's not your mother anymore. She's more haunt her than woman. No matter how many times the question can be asked and answered, it doesn't fucking matter

for some people. And sometimes, it's the same person. Does this have the markings of the next pandemic or no? No. Should we still not be sounding the alarm? I don't think we have to be very anxious about it. Should we be worried that we have an American here who's tested positive? No, it's a low risk to Americans.

Should we still not be worried by this here in America? Correct. I don't think that this poses any risk to the general public. Jesus, lady! You just want to work from home! Work from home! In, Jesus! Although it is important to note, this virus can cause chronic fatigue syndrome,

mostly amongst the experts who have to repeatedly answer the same questions. What is your message to Americans who are still scared? We have been repeating the same answer many times. This is not another COVID, and the risk to the public is low. So they shouldn't be scared and they shouldn't panic. You fucking idiot. Well, that certainly should put an end to it unless... So they shouldn't be scared and they shouldn't panic.

And there is concern out there that more positive cases could pop up. So when they say, you shouldn't be scared, you hear, be scared! It's like they're all trying to recapture that pandemic ratings magic. Remember the old big screen body counts? All the ways they scared us. well, the counts are back, obviously not as compelling. There's one person who tested positive. A separate person showed symptoms, but we don't have a positive test result for that person.

One is spreading like, I don't know, what's something that doesn't spread? Cold butter, the legs of a prude. I could do this all day. So it's fine. It's not a thing. Go about your line. Go on a cruise if you want. Meanwhile, a narovirus outbreak

on board a different cruise ship. 102 passengers, 13 crew members are sick on the Caribbean princess. Most in an event on maternal health care, which is a high priority for the White House. Because what is a woman's birth canal, if not a straight of Hormuz that our government must take control of? Now, the focus of the event was America's lower birth rates. So, of course, Trump invited RFK Jr.,

health secretary and guy whose iPhone screen is always greasy. So let me ask, RFK Jr., why are birth rates down? And please remember, when you answer, don't make this weird. For men in 1970, men had twice the sperm count as our teenagers do today. I'm sorry. Did he just do a back in my day for sperm? We had twice the jism. Our Spunk knew how to drive a stick, you know? They don't make man butter like that anymore.

Now, he didn't explain how he knows that, but knowing RFK, I'm sure he personally went down to the sperm bank and sampled them like gelato flavors. Can I get it with sprinkles, please? Okay, but it's interesting that he mentioned teenage sperm in particular, because when you look at the lower birth rates, that's mostly driven by fewer teen births, by which I mean teenagers giving birth,

and not moms giving birth the teenagers. Oh, congratulations. It's a Mr. Beast fan. I'm just confused why the government is apparently trying to reboot 16 and pregnant. But Dr. Oz, maybe you have a good reason. And again, you know what, I'll remind you. Just please, please, don't make it weird. Go ahead.

So let me speak a little bit about the reality that what in three Americans are under-babied. Weird! Under-babied? What does that even mean? Are we shocked no one wants to have babies anymore? I mean, nothing makes the ladies want a raw dog like hearing RFK Jr.

talking about what the jizz was like at Woodstock. Let's focus up. This is an event about women. Let's actually hear some of the women speak, while we all pay really, really, really close attention. In the perinatal improvement collaborative hospitals, we have reduced maternal mortality by 41.5% which is truly incredible. And this is compared with the 5.9% decline in benchmark hospitals.

Oh. Don't judge. This fan is exhausted from working the graveyard shift at his second job posting insane AI slop all night. It's important. It's important, thankless work. So yet another Oval Office meeting, where Trump was, as Dr. Oz would call it, under-conscioused.

I'd like to see the White House somehow spin their way out of this one. Now, a Reuters reporter posted a picture of President Trump with his eyes closed significantly, and the White House responded, he was blinking, you absolute moron. Look, you know what? I can relate. I got a solid eight hours of blink last night.

I mean, come on. Don't you hate when you're blinking and you have to get up and go pee? You have to try and get back to blink, you know? It's a nightmare. You know what? See, I think I see what's going on here. Trump and Cash Patel have split up blinking duties. One keeps them shut and one keeps them fully open.

It's government efficiency at work. But look, let's not get carried away here. Yes, Trump is falling asleep in the middle of meetings. in the middle of meetings. But he's not as bad as Joe Biden, okay? Remember Sleepy Joe? He was snoozing while inflation just skyrocketed. This is completely different.

Today, new inflation numbers at the highest level in nearly three years, up 3.8% from a year ago. Well, well, well. Looks like the Sleepy Joe Er has become the Sleepy Joe E. But okay, all right, inflation is so, which means gas prices are going up. Transportation costs are exploding,

and our most cherished airlines are up in heaven now, charging the angels for water. Now, you know what? Normally, I'd be worried. But thank God, we have Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy, who I'm sure is laser-focused on fixing it. Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy is starring in a new reality show, encouraging people to hit the road.

Duffy and his wife, Rachel Campos Duffy of Fox News, met on MTV's Road Rules All-Stars, and they and their nine children are channeling that past in this five-part YouTube series. Well, first off, nine kids? I guess we know someone who's not under-babied. Now, you might be upset that your tax dollars were spent on sending Sean Duffy

and his entire Wu-Tang Clan on all-expenses-paid trip around the country. But don't worry. You didn't foot the bill. It was the other kind of corruption. Duffy says no taxpayer dollars were involved, neither he nor his family were paid, and sponsors picked up the production tab.

But looking at some of those corporate backers, government watchdogs warn that the secretary is enjoying a road trip that appears to have been funded by the very industries his agency overseas. Wow. I mean, Boeing just can't help being part of a disaster. Look, if you're furious about a cabinet member being paid by companies he regulates to take a road trip in the middle of a gas crisis caused by his administration,

if that really makes you want to scream, please don't because the president is blinking right now. President Trump left for a major summit in China yesterday, where he's sure to discuss important topics such as trade deals, the war in Iran, and whether the Chinese can help get his fingers. out of that pesky trap. Honestly, this trip could not have come at a better time. Things have not been going great at home.

And at a press conference, just before he left, you can see just how testy he's getting. So what happened is we have a ballroom that's under budget. It's going up right here. The price is double. I double the size of it, you dumb person. Trump. You are not a smart person.

You are not a smart person. Oh, whoa, calm down, Mr. President. Go to your happy place. Well, not literally. That party's over, and your wingman is M-I-A, but metaphorically. The point is, I think both Trump and us could benefit from this time apart.

I mean, nothing wrong with a little break. Get some distance, reset. You know what? You can take your boys with you. Making the trip with him, several of the nation's top CEOs, including Elon Musk, Tim Cook, and Jensen, Washington, the head of NVIDIA?

That's your crew? Those are your boys? Not exactly the rat pack here, is this? That's the kind of bachelor party that makes a stripper want to get her life back in order. In fact, you can tell that that was not a fun flight by watching Donald Trump walking down the staircase after he landed in Beijing.

Look at that. That is a man who spent 19 hours sitting next to Elon Musk. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Let's hear Grok do the Borat voice again. Oh, yeah, all right. Apartheid South Africa was very nice. Yeah.

When do we land? Luckily, China was there to perk him up, though, with a Jennifer Hudson spirit tuttle of business casual children. Go there, whyo, whyo, whyo, go there, why you? That chance translates to ballroom now, ballroom now. And then, of course, Tim Cook got off the plane and was like, hey, you kids, get back to work, huh?

I'm not paying you a nickel an hour to sing. Get back there. Anyway, you know what? I'm sure Trump will have a good time. And while he's gone, maybe we can have a little check-in back here at home. You know, I'm talking to you, MAGA bass. Um, hey. Hey, Maga pals.

What's up, guys? You know, there's a safe space. Donald's gone. It's just you and me, your old pal, Jordy Klep, you know? Let's rap. Not in an urban way. Don't worry.

So how are we feeling, you know? About everything. Hey, Trump supporter here. This goes out to Don Jr. and Eric. Where the fuck is my phone? Whoa. Well, it's in your hands, sir. That's how you're recording this.

But, you know, maybe you're talking about the new. Trump mobile phone that Don Jr. and Eric are backing? You must have ordered one of them. I ordered three, no, four gold Trump phones in the summer. Now we can't get any fucking updates on them.

Well, I stay incorrect. It was four phones from the world's top phone makers Eric and Don Jr. Look, look, for those of us who don't remember, last June, the Trump's son, introduced the Trump mobile phone,

which had one major selling point. You're gonna have phones that are made right here in the United States of America. We're gonna be building phones in America. That's about time we bring products back to our great country. Build for Americans by Americans. For Americans by Americans. Sort of like Fubu.

For people who call the cops on people who wear Fubu. But still, a $500 phone made in America. Say what you want about the Trump. This is an incredible deal. And of course, the haters will say that you can't build a phone in America. That the only thing we make here anymore are nepo babies and look-smaxers. And that this whole thing was just a scam aimed at anyone gullible enough to fall for it. But 600,000 people ignored the haters and put down a hundred-buck deposit

because they knew they would be proven right when those phones arrived in August. August came and went. September came and went. At one point, we were promised a November 13 date. Okay, fine, not August. Okay. But November's not bad either. And then November came a win, December came and went.

And here we are in May of 26, and there appears to be no sign of it. December, January. We all know the names of months here, okay? So it's taking a long time. But so what? It's worth the wait to finally have a phone that's made in America. USA! USA!

The company's website states that the phone, which was originally advertised as being made in America, will now be designed with American values in mind. You? It's not as chantey as you'd like it to be. Okay, all right. Okay, so the phone went from made in America to designed with American values in mind.

This reminds me of shopping for my kid's fruit snacks. Some are made with real fruit, and some are inspired by the idea of a strawberry. All right, but it's disappointing that they couldn't make it in America, but hey, the important thing is that you're absolutely still getting a phone. The company behind Trump Mobile, quietly updating its pre-order terms and conditions last month, to clarify that it, quote,

does not guarantee that a device will be produced or made available for purchase. Holy shit. After people bought the phone, they changed the terms and conditions. to say there might never be a phone. That feels less like terms and conditions and more like

a gotcha bitch. And no wonder the Maga Base is so upset. I mean, I'd be furious too. And the Trump's sons must have heard the cries from inside the F-150 because suddenly, the Trump phone is about to come out. Again.

Some of President Trump's mobile phones should be shipped out this week. That's according to Trump Mobile CEO, Pat O'Brien. This week. where on earth are they going to find 600,000 phones to ship? Oh, okay. Okay.

That's why they brought all those people to China with them. Now I get it. It comes down. Quick. Everyone grab all the phones as you can. I would do it myself, but this thing is more complicated than I thought.

Grab it. How do I do it? Look. I don't know if these phones are actually being shipped soon or ever, but there is a way to describe the kind of person who put down $100 for a phone made by Eric Trump, but I don't really want to say it. You dumb person.

Okay. He said it, not me. President Trump is in China right now, and the whole U.S. news, media, has gone along with him, which means we at home are getting a rare look at some of China's cultural wonders. This is the family moment. convenience store in Beijing. Inside is a Galbot robot, the dominance of AI. Beijing is trying to

lead the way in AI and also in humanoid robots. It's going inside. This is the first of its kind for this kind of interaction. If you want to order something, hello, can I get a sausage, please? A sausage? You went to China, home of one of the most famed cuisines in the world and ordered a Convenience store sausage? Bread, you're making us look weird in front of our future overlords. Although it could be worse. Usually when someone at Fox News

asks someone to grab their sausage, it comes with a $10 million lawsuit. By the way, look at that robot just standing there in the back. I love that even in our tech future, there's still one guy at work that does absolutely nothing. But as for the summit itself, Trump's welcome got off to a nice start when he was greeted by children, upon children, upon children.

But then things took a turn for the worst when Trump was confronted by stairs upon stairs, upon even more stairs. But after all the greeting and the stair climbing, it was time for the actual summit. A chance for President Xi to explain this position in simple, clear terms Donald Trump could understand. President Xi said that he hoped the two countries could avoid the so-called Thucydides trap. It's a historic reference about a great power being threatened by the rise of another.

Damagee! You're going to hit President Trump with a Thucydides trap? Now you're making his brain go up a flight of stairs. Come on. All right. President Trump, don't let this guy history mug you. Show him you can communicate in equally sophisticated terms. Chinese restaurants in America, outnumber the five largest fast food chains in the United States, all combined.

That's a pretty big statement. That's my president. Putting his understanding of geopolitics into fast food terms. He gives a summit speech like a third grader who got assigned China for his geography project. In conclusion, China is a land of contrast, and I brought Panda Express for everyone. I got to say, it appears to be a good sign to see all this bridge building.

Because I was under the impression that our relationship with China was growing increasingly tense and bitter, especially over Taiwan, which China wants to take back and we want to keep independent. But I'm sure, all the goodwill between Xi and Trump carried over into their closed-door meeting about Taiwan. During a two-hour closed-door meeting, Xi reportedly delivering a stark warning to Trump on the issue of Taiwan, which China sees as its territory.

She telling Trump, if the issue is handled poorly, the two countries will collide or even clash. Ho, ho, ho. Tough talk, President Xi. Perhaps you've forgotten that you're talking to America, the country that's just about to start kicking Iran's ass any day now. And if you want to step up to us with all this lucidity's crap, then why don't you do sit on these nuts?

Now, I know Donald Trump's not going to take a tongue lashing like that. Our president's definitely not going to walk out of those talks looking like he's in a hostage video. How are your talks, sir? Wait. Holy shit, what happened in there? That was like asking Tiger Woods

how the drive home went. All right, D.T. Do you want to expand on that? Maybe defend Taiwan? Great place. Incredible. China is beautiful. What happened in the meeting that made him really not want to talk about Taiwan? He's out there like, don't you guys want to talk about anything else?

Jeffrey Epstein? I got a lot of redactions. I got time. Let's chat. So after day one of this trip, I definitely have way more questions than answers. What did Xi say to Trump behind closed doors? Can our two nations avoid the famous two centipedes trap? How many Chinese restaurants are there in the U.S.? Hell, I don't even know if Brett Bear ever got his son? This is the first of its kind here, and they say there are going to be many different iterations, so there's a real big back and forth.

He got his sausage! It's just a loose sausage on a plate. Yum! The robots are like, I know you are going to eat this with your hands, you American pig. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central, on Comedy. Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.