The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the Iran War's Monthaversary & Desi on Kristi Noem's Double-D Life

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

Catch up on the biggest news you might have missed with This Week's News. Jon Stewart gives updates on the one-month anniversary of the Iran war, including the Strait of Hormuz's continued closure and the global shortages affecting everything from grain to pickleballs. Desi Lydic weighs in on Kristi Noem's husband cross-dressing, Pete Hegseth waxing poetic about the war in Iran, and Lindsey Graham's trip to Disney World. Plus, Desi comments on Trump's attempt to end birthright citizenship for "billionaires," and a federal judge blocking the construction of the president's ballroom. -- Stream full episodes of The Daily Show on Paramount+: https://www.paramountplus.com/shows/the-daily-show/ The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. But as many of you know, it's the one-month anniversary of the Iran War. And as we all know, one month is the escalated threat anniversary. If the Strait of Hormuz is not immediately open for business, we will conclude by blowing up and completely obliterating all of their electric-generating plants, oil wells, and Karg Island. Better open that straight, and we're going to blow you up. Trump is threatening to escalate our bombing campaign,

unless Iran opens the strait that they closed in response to Trump's bombing campaign. I believe we've entered what General Patton used to refer to as the human centipede portion of the war. I urge you not to look that up. And I understand why the world would like the Strait of Hormuz open. The conflict is disrupting global supply chains for other surprising and essential products. grain, nuts, oil, saffron, dates, paddles, and pickleballs. How that snuck into the essential product story? But I guess we all make sacrifices in wartime.

My dearest Eliza, it's been over a month since I've played, well, not tennis, kind of like tennis. It's baby tennis. It's like, well, it's bigger than ping pong. You really have to try it, Eliza. It's so fun. This is being blocked. It's getting harder to get food. that comes with pistachios.

You can't make Dubai chocolate bars. Our influencers stand in line to pretend to eat. To buy chocolate, my God, that's been an American staple for tens of days. I can't believe how the news has to frame world events to try and make Americans care. The whole region is being flattened. Innocent people are dying.

Their food and fuel are in total chaos. Our news is like, if this goes on any longer, say goodbye to your stuffed crust pizza. Using anything else? It turns out there is another key material being affected by the war in Iran, fertilizer. There could be helium shortages. Yes, the gas that's used in party balloons. Metal gas used in the production of advanced chip technology. You don't have to dumb it down to make us.

Oh, this war could be even bad for your promposals. Like, come on. Meanwhile, back on the home front, this weekend offered stark images, articulating our nation's deep political divide. As 8 to 9 million people took to the streets for the no-kings protest, the smaller group of, let's call them, heritage Americans, took to the Reagan meeting room 1A on the second floor for their Yas kings rally. If you want an object lesson on what a strong commander-in-chief looks like, take a look at least. at the current resident of the Oval Office, President Donald J. Trump. What he's been able to do in one year is truly remarkable. Great president, greatest president in my lifetime.

That guy is an energize your bunny. We'll never get another president like Donald Trump. Never. And that's why it's important that we do everything that we can to try to get him reelected. That's Reverend Franklin Graham saying, praise the Lord and fuck the Constitution. Now look, far be it for me to question the world. wisdom of this year's CPAC convention. But clearly, the vibes this year were slightly off.

How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings? That was the wrong answer. That's a rookie crowdwork mistake, slap. See, they cheered for Trump's impeachment, not realizing that you were calling for the counter, but that's on you. Crowds are like dogs. They react to tone. You can get them excited about anything. Who

wants to go to the vet? Who wants to get the boss cut off? Yes, who's good? See, in Trump land, Old Donald didn't let something as trivial as a war keep him from doing his rounds at the golf course and at a Saudi investment meeting in Miami because God forbid during a war, he let the precipice of World War III yuck his yum in any way. That was Trump's weekend. And I find it so astounding that this nuclear-armed man baby doesn't seem to have any understanding of the confusion and anxiety that his ill-planned

adventure in Iran is causing this country. He's just chucking along like it's any old episode of The Apprentice. Here is Trump last night on Air Force One. Watch him try and focus for more than two sentences on the war. He started before veering off into what really matters. It truly is regime change. And regime change is an imperative, but I think we haven't automatically. I did something today.

We just got these in from the architect. A lot of people who are talking about how beautiful the ballroom. For 150 years, they've wanted to build a ballroom at the White House. Here's another view. This is coming from right opposite the Treasury Building. Here's a view on the south with the porch. This is a view of it from the north, and there'll be Corinthian, which is considered the best,

most beautiful by far. Now, I know what you're thinking. How do you get something that size on a plane? But I guess he's allowed. It's his emotional support ballroom picture. Now, you may say, what prompted this presentation about the ballroom? Well, it turns out this incredibly long-winded visual aid-assisted Timeshare presentation was spurred by a critical New York Times article that had the gall to suggest that sometimes Trump's plans don't hold up

scrutiny. The Times had architects analyzed plans for the ballroom. They pointed out design flaws like staircases that seem to lead nowhere. Okay, woke New York Times. When MC Escher does that, it's art. But you put it on an actual building and suddenly it says, this doesn't make any sense. And I appear to be trapped. Picture this.

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Go to Shopify.com slash daily show. Shopify.com slash daily show. For the ballroom, Trump will pull an all-nighter for a point-by-point rebuttal. for the war literally doesn't have the focus to answer one question about the dire consequences of his actions on his favorite network. I think it is alarming that we have not been able to see or hear from any of the Iranian people. And I think there is some general worry about them. Do you have any insight as to how they are doing? Do they have drinking water?

Do they have food? Wow, straightforward question. It asked the president to put himself in the shoes of those purportedly were trying to liberate and the suffering they may be going through. The Iranian people are hurting, sir. Do they have food? Right, I do. It's upsetting.

I do. But first, you remember when we had lunch years ago in the base of Trump Tower when it was a brand new building? So the point is, the Iranians might not have food, but you remember you and I about 12, 13 years ago, had a club sandwich? That's a long time ago, yes. A long time ago, and you haven't changed. You have not changed. Now, I'm not allowed to say this. It's the end of my political career,

but you may be even better looking, okay? So I don't know what you're doing. But I will not say that. I will not say that because that will end my political career. You're not allowed to say a woman's beautiful anymore. You know, it's funny, Dana. Your question about the suffering of the Iranian people has somehow made me horny.

I don't know why. I guess you asked me, do they have food? Do they have water? And the whole time I'm thinking, like, what a piece of ass. What a delightful piece of ass. You remember that day? Remember how I made you uncomfortable at lunch?

You remember? I do that. I do that a lot to women. I make them uncomfortable. What was your question? I don't remember your question. The war, other than the occasional tweet, doesn't seem to occupy any space in Trump's brain.

And by the way, not just for TV. On Friday, he addressed a room full of Saudi investors who you would think might be very concerned about the bombings in their neighborhood. But he wants to let them know we didn't have to talk about that at all. I'm asked to take a few questions, and unlike other politicians,

they would like the questions screened. I don't ask for screening of the questions. You can ask me anything you want. You can talk sex. You can whatever the hell you want. We can ask about sex. That, is that your fucking name? Or you meant like general sex shit, like loveline shit.

Sorry. You know, honestly, his leering behavior is less commander-in-chief at war and more grandpa who's lost his filter in public. Instead of assuaging a nervous nation, he's just embarrassing the whole family at dinner going, hey, do you see how a waitress is a busty one? Huh?

Just like your grandma was. But like any good monarchy, Trump's loyal henchmen assure you that it's really the opposite of everything you're seeing. He has an encyclopedic molecular knowledge. I was on the airplane with him, and we were sitting across the table from each other. We started talking about Syria,

and he got a place mad, and he turned it on its back, and then he took a Sharpie, and he drew a perfect map of the Mideast. And then he put the troop strength of every country on every border on that map. Has anyone thought about filming that? Let us see that. Because that's not what we see.

What we see as a president four weeks into a war he has yet to fully explain with objectives he has yet to fully define, only displaying molecular knowledge in a cabinet meeting of his own pen preferences. So I came here to have $1,000 pens. And you know, you hand pens out, you're signing it, and you hand them out, you're handing them with all these people. Beautiful pen, Brault Point. Thousand who's gold, silver, gorgeous.

I'm handing out to kids that don't even know what they're. What is this, Mommy? So I take it out. And I saw it, and there's no ink. And I got all you people looking, and you say, there must be something wrong with pen right here. This pen is an interesting example. It's the same thing.

This one I called the guy. I said, I'd like to use your pen, but I can't have a gray thing with a big ass on it. Same Sharpie. You said, why can you die, sir? He said, what can you do? He said, I'll paint it black, sir, if you like. In gold, almost real gold.

That's a cabinet meeting during a fucking war. Don't tell us what you use to draw the map. Just draw the fucking map. You know, all we keep hearing from this administration is why the American people have to sacrifice for Trump's vision of America's greatness, that these temporary disruptions are just part of the process. And why can't we be patriots?

We have to be patient. We have to suck it up. Whether it's high gas prices or whimsical tariff inflation or draconian ice rates or temporary Bill of Rights suspensions. It's on us to understand. But Trump gets to be just the same old, ain't I a stinker? Utterly self-absorbed.

Remember when I used to want a f*** hot girl's twat self. Can you imagine any other president, let alone a wartime president, being this f***ing indulgent. And there were $1,000 a piece. Beautiful pen, ballpoint. A thousand who's gold, silver, gorgeous. But I'm handing out to kids that don't even know what they're going.

What is this, Mommy? His kids, they're getting a pen for $1,000. They have no idea what it is. To be fair to Trump, pen technology was at FDR's time quite primitive. But Trump is the guy you want to be your king. That's who you want. It's important that we do everything. we can to try to get him reelected.

Really? This is the guy you'll break the Constitution for. The American monarchy begins with this guy. This is the line we face in this country. No kings versus kings. But a word of caution, generally with monarchies, the first guy is the best guy. It's the guy that's so good.

it makes the people want a king, a Charlemagne, and Alexander, a Ralph. But pretty soon, corruption and inbreeding take their toll on the monarchy and turn your king into this guy. Old Charles II. Yeah, that's his real head.

He liked cheese. It was his favorite food. So go ahead. But just understand, we're starting a lot closer to Charles than Charlemagne. Pick things off with Christine Nome, former Secretary of Homeland Security and the inciting incident in All Dogs Go to Heaven.

She's had a bad time recently. She lost her job. We found out about her affair and how it happened on a taxpayer-funded f***lein. She really needs to just lay low and stay out of the headlines. Sorry, what's that? Former Homeland Security Chief Christy Knoem is said to be stunned by reports that her husband may be leading a cross-dressing double life. According to the Daily Mail, Nome's 56-year-old

husband, Brian, is a secret cross-dresser who wears gigantic fake boobs and wears pink hot pants while he chats online with fetish models who have gigantic breasts. Leave, the lady banging her employee on a f*** plane is the less messy one in their marriage. You live your truth, Brian. Oh, she can dress up and you can't. Fri-affair, you have a free pass. You can do whatever you want. I support you and your beautiful lazy-eyed balloon nipples.

Never felt more seen. You know what they say. Sometimes they're sisters, not twins. Let's move on to a different type of inflation, the one at the gas pop. All right, the breaking news. morning gas prices in the United States now higher than $4 a gallon for the first time since 2022. Part of the reason, basically the full closure of the Strait of Hormuz, almost no oil has passed out over the last month. Yeah, this sucks. We're supposed to be drill, baby drill.

We're supposed to be self-sufficient. So how is the gas prices going up? It's too Spencer, puppy. You know, I might buy me a horse or something. That, sir, is a great idea. Horses drink much less gasoline. By the way, this is how much Americans hate Tesla's now. They're just like, how do I stop using so much gas? Maybe a horse? It doesn't matter how many horses we buy. Oil prices won't come down until the Strait of Hormuz is as open as Christy Noem's marriage.

President Trump, President Trump, it was your stupid war that closed it in the first place. Do you have any suggestions for how to open it back up? All of those countries that can't get jet fuel because of the Strait, of Hormuz. I have a suggestion for you. Build up some delayed courage, go to the straight, and just take it. You'll have to start learning how to fight for yourselves. Go get your own oil. So just to get this straight, you started a war that caused the Strait of Hormuz to be closed, and now you want someone else to figure out how to open it? It's the Middle East. It's not a toilet in the second floor office bathroom. If you clogged it, it's your job to unclog it.

Unless, unless no one saw you go in and then you blame it on Michael Costa. Forget him. Maybe someone else can help us figure out exactly what's going on with this war. Pete Hegesith, you're smarter than Donald Trump. Well, you're more qualified than Donald... Well, you're... You're not Donald Trump. So what's your type? This new regime, because regime change has occurred, should be wiser than the last. Wait.

New regime? You killed the Ayatollah and they replaced him with an even more hard-lined son. That is the opposite of regime change. That is regime maxing. Give us a plan. You were in the region this weekend. What did you see? I had a chance to bear witness and I witnessed the best of America. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Pete, don't try to be poetic. Don't do that. In my mind's eye, I'm actually looking out at the groups I met this weekend. those maintainers who we walked up at sunset with the chill in the air on the flight line. I met a junior airman as the sun was going down and a chill was setting on the tarmac. I did the same with his boss, a colonel with a heart the size of Texas and a beautiful deployment mustache to match. Weirdly horny at the end. A heart the size of Texas, an ass as tight as Idaho.

and a penis the shape of Rhode Island. Okay, you know what? Forget Pete Heggsons. I know who can help us figure out this war, Lindsey Graham, Senator from South Carolina and Living Confederate Monument. Because when I tell you that he has been wanting to go to war for a long time,

I mean a long time. I would urge President Trump to go all in to make sure that when this operation is over, there's nothing left standing in Iran regarding their nuclear program. We're going to blow up all your oil refineries. Hit Iran. Blow it off the map. Don't underrate, killing them all. That gets everybody's attention. It's now time for them to pay a price. We'll use military force. Destroy the Air Force, sink their Navy. We need to look at military option. We should destroy their ability to make conventional war. I think it's better to use military force

than it is to allow them to have a nuclear weapon. The most dangerous thing in the world, in my opinion, would be the regime in Iran possessing a nuclear weapon, and if military force is necessary, then so be it. Wow. Okay, he's been going after Iran since before I was even born. Don't Google it. Don't Google it. Seriously, Graham is more excited about blowing things up than Christy Noem's husband.

This guy knows what's going on with this war. In fact, he's probably sitting in the situation room as we speak. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham spotted by TMZ at Disney World. You can see him carrying a bubble wand at the Magic Kingdom, dining at Chef Mickey's, and even in line to ride Space Mountain. Graham went to Disney World? I know going to war with Iran was important to him, but I didn't know it was a Super Bowl.

By the way, for any Jets fans out there, the winning team at the Super Bowl traditionally goes to Disney World. The Super Bowl is the last game. of an NFL team. I'm sure he was there to do all the normal things adults do at Disney World, like eating your body weight and dip in dots or showing your boobs on Splash Mountain.

Or maybe you went to see that new Olaf robot that everyone's talking about. Olaf, the animatronic here at Disney apparently had its first public malfunction just dropping back. I agree that Lindsey Graham is at The Magic Kingdom, while the country is in a war he pushed for. Don't worry.

He has an almost plausible. plausible explanation. He says, look, you know, I was in Florida because I had a meeting with Steve Whitkoff, one of President Trump's people, where they were talking about normaling relations between Saudi and Israel. He was in Florida on meetings and just decided to swing by Disney World. Swing by Disney World? No, it is impossible to swing by Disney World.

Oh, babe, I'm just going to swing by Disney World. Want me to pick you up a $30 turkey leg? I'll be back in three days. No. Going to Disney without a serious plan would be like, I don't know, attacking Iran without a serious plan. Lindsey Graham knew that excuse didn't work, so he's moved on to overcompensating.

On Twitter, he's posting photos of a different flavor. One of him in South Carolina, carrying a gun. Oh, honey. No one's buying that. Who can tell he's not happy out there in the woods? He wants to be where the people are. He wants to see, want to see him dancing. He felt the backlash.

By the way, can we see what he was hunting out there? Olaf will be replaced by his son, who is also named Olaf, and who now regime change. The people have ruined more women's lives than eyebrow plucking. Today, they took on a historic case to decide whether every child born in the United States is automatically an American citizen. Even kids with annoying names like Grayson or Portabella. And it's a very tricky question because on the one hand, it's been enshrined in the Constitution for 125 years. But on the other hand, Donald Trump doesn't like it. So scales of justice.

And Trump is taking this case very personally. I'm outside of the Supreme Court in Washington, where President Trump has become the first sitting president to attend oral arguments at the Supreme Court. Well, that makes sense. Trump heard they'd be doing oral and was like, I'm in. Maybe he was just hoping to influence the justices. He's doing this thing with John Roberts or this thing to Clarence Thomas. Unfortunately for Trump, he's not a great legal scholar,

so he probably thought a Supreme Court argument was going to be like this. I want the truth. You can't handle the truth. When actually it was more like this. Is the application of that general rule limited only to the situations that they had in mind when they adopted the general rule,

or do we say they adopted a general rule, they meant for that to apply to later applications that might come up? OK. There is no way Donald Trump was still awake at that point. Fell asleep at his own criminal trial. My birthright citizenship is such a big problem for Trump. Yesterday, he explained that it's all about devious people

exploiting it as a loophole. Chinese billionaires who are billionaires from other countries who all of a sudden have 75 children or 59 children on one case or 10 children becoming American citizens. Okay, big difference between 75 and 10. 75 is a spider. Have you seen America's test scores? We need as many Chinese kids as we can get.

Got to cheat off someone. But that's actually a fair point. Okay, foreign billionaires shouldn't be able to just buy their way into citizenship. Finally, we agree on something. For $5 million this could be used. A gold card. For $5 million you buy a path to citizenship in this country. Says he opposes birthright citizenship because he doesn't want rich people to buy their way into America, but at the same time he wants rich people to buy their way into America.

It's almost as if he's bringing up billionaires for a completely disingenuous reason, and there's some other group of people that he wants to stop from because of people. He wants to stop from becoming citizens. Gosh, what group am I thinking of? Sorry, that was just my reminder to turn my ringer off. Move on from birthright citizenship, because the president has another court case to worry about. Tonight, a federal judge putting the brakes on construction

of President Trump's $400 million ballroom. Declaring the President of the United States is the steward of the White House for future generations of first families. He is not, however, the owner. It was a 35-page ruling. ruling and it was quite extraordinary in its writing it had 19 exclamation points patient points who is the judge me writing a work email the court demands an immediate halt and construction but no worries if not exclamation point

sideways smiley face I'm sorry Donald Trump it looks like your precious ballroom is over there is no way around this no loopholes here the judge does allow that they can finish up projects so that they don't leave the site unsafe. Oh, well, sure. Yeah, of course you have to patch up the site to make it safe. I mean, what if Christy Nome's husband tripped and fell and popped his enormous kitty? Aside from that tiny safety loophole, the judge was clear you are not allowed to build the ballroom. It's over. Even you can't talk your way into saying that this is somehow a positive for you. This is positive for us. I'm allowed that, meaning we are allowed to continue building as

necessary to, let's see, what is that to cover the safety and security of the White House and its ground. So it says here very carefully the safety and security have to be protected of the White House grounds. Well, that's what we're doing because everything's bulletproof glass, et cetera, et cetera, including the ballroom. The judge said no ballroom, and President Amelia Bedelia took that to mean the judge is begging us to build that ballroom.

By the way, bulletproof, et cetera, et cetera, what was the et cetera? It's bulletproof and it's ballistic proof. The roof is drone proof. We have secure air handling systems. We have a hospital and very major medical facilities. We have biodefense. We have bomb shelters.

Okay. This is intense for a bull. I suggest if the ballroom starts experiencing ballistic assault, maybe we just cancel the ball. No worries if not, exclamation point, hug emoji. Part of all this is that this ballroom isn't even his only DIY project. He's also starting a new one in Florida. We're getting our first look at what President Trump's presidential library could look like. The president posted the video on social media showing renderings of a skyscraper in Miami, with no surprise Trump's name on it. Has Donald Trump ever seen a library before?

Because this just looks like one of his hotels, but it's his library, right? Not a hotel. It's going to be most likely a hotel. It could be office, but it's most likely going to be a hotel. A big monument to President Trump, a hotel parading as a presidential library, where you can honor his legacy

by cheating on your wife in the Ashley Madison suite. The suites are Ashley Madison. I know Trump does. doesn't do anything in the traditional way, whether it's governing or standing. But classic presidential library or museum? I don't believe in building libraries or museums. Announcing that he is building a library and museum.

And he's like, I don't trust museums. All the little guys come to life at night and make you learn history. Honestly, honestly, this sounds like one of the worst ideas Trump has ever had, which is not very easy. I mean, I can't think of a single good thing about this building. I wouldn't start until I'm out of office. You wouldn't start until you're out of office?

Mr. President, we need this library that is mostly... And start building it right now. We bring J.D. Yes, we are losing your administration, but we are gaining so much more in Hotel Brary. If not, fingers crossed emoji. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show,

wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.