The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the Trump-Pope Beef & Ronny Chieng on JD Vance's TPUSA Flop

Episode Date: April 18, 2026

Jon Stewart dives into Trump Jesus-ifying himself with an AI image (which he later claimed was depicting him as a doctor) and the president's Easter beef with Pope Leo. Ronny Chieng weighs in on JD Vance's apology tour on Trump's behalf, Joe Biden thinking he saw Obama, the president's theory that diet soda kills cancer cells, and a FEMA official's claims of teleporting... to a Waffle House. Plus, Ronny Chieng comments on the ongoing meme war between the U.S. and Iran, and Pete Hegseth slams the media for its lack of "patriotic" coverage. -- Stream full episodes of The Daily Show on Paramount+: https://www.paramountplus.com/shows/the-daily-show/ The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You're listening to Comedy Central. I'll be talking to peace activist Aziz Abu-Sara and Meos Inan. They are a Palestinian and an Israeli who traveled their homeland and, I assume, walked into a bar with the Pope. Honestly, it's an incredible book about two men touched by tragedy who try to rise above this conflict to find reconciliation and healing. It's a message of compassion, shared by many in the world today, including Chicago-born Villanova-educated Pope Leo the 14th. Let those who have the power to unleash wars choose peace. Not a peace imposed by force, but through dialogue.

Look who became Pope and suddenly became too good for English. But still, a beautiful, compassionate message that I cannot imagine. Imagine anyone. Really? Anyone. It does not come into my brain that anyone in the worst message of peace

will have some kind of a weird problem with it. Overnight, President Trump lashing out at Pope Leo on truth social, calling the first American Pope weak and a loser. Starting to sour on this president. What did the

what the Pope say? He wants what? dialogue? He wants to choose the noblest aspirations of mankind to show humanity at its greatest articulation? That loser! I'm sorry? Oh, that's who died? Okay. Oh, really?

There was a vote. White smoke? Interesting. Hold on. I'm going to have to call you back. Okay. And look, President Trump, I know the Vatican's been critical of your policies, but you've got to remember that at the end of the day, you and the Catholic Church, both historically, care deeply

about the same thing covering up sex scandals. By the way, Trump's comments about the Pope upset a lot of people of Christian faith. But please don't worry. It gets worse. In a separate social media message, the president shared an image of himself in a religious scene that appears to depict Trump as Jesus. My God! The guy in the bed, can I just... I don't have the vigor and spunk of my MTV days. But I didn't know we were here.

already. I didn't realize my look had reached leper territory. From the picture, it looks like it was touch and go with me for a while. But thank God in my time of need I was surrounded by family. There's my darling wife Amy Lynn, hands

clasped in prayer. My brother. Sergeant Chisseldjaw. Oh, look in the back. There's Pappy Joe. He and I stormed the Capitol together. And up at the top there, there's the eagle that delivers my mail. And apparently the lead singer of Guar is in the middle of there.

You look at just the bottom there. It looks like there's just a guy's hand. Not mine, just some other guy's hand. Seems to be taking advantage of my infirmity to... I don't know why. This is freaking me the f***ing outside the watchful eye of daytime fireworks. You know, I'm just glad that Jesus Trump, brought his healing orb.

By the way, can I tell you my favorite thing about this picture? Like, I like how there's only so much AI can do. Like, AI is like, look, I can give you the fireworks and the healing powers, and I can make you Jesus but you weigh

what you weigh. I plug it all the shit, give me the flag, make me Jesus, do the Eagles. And then he was like, it make me 185, and I'm like, can't do it. You're going to have to be fat Jesus. That's me entering the program. Now, apparently, not everyone in the Christian community

took too kindly to Trump portraying himself this way. And the backlash was bad enough that Trump was forced to come up with his own incredibly plausible cover story. Mr. President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ? Well, it wasn't a picture. It was me. I did post it, and I thought it was me as a doctor. That's you as a doctor. Oh, I'm sorry.

What's this? urgent care you put yourself out there as Jesus you got fucking called on it and now you're like you even care about lying to us anymore is it over

is this relationship gone still your lies used to have a real spark they're eating the cats and dogs Venezuela stole the 2020 election and now the best you've got is oh no you guys it wasn't Jesus I'm a dot You need to find your happy place and fast.

We expect better lies, sir. And can I just remind you, Mr. President, we're in the middle of a grinding war with Iran. Can you just address that in a straightforward way with the American people without all this other weird shit going on? Can you just do that once? I don't think it gets much more hostile than Iran. They're capable fighters.

They're very tough people. And there are others like that. You don't mind when the enemy is weak. but that enemy is strong. You guys see the rabbit, too, right? I've been, I, you see it. Oh, thank God. I'm so glad they see it.

You know, clearly I've been on a lot of leprosy meds, so I don't, a lot of hallucinations and shit. By the way, the surreal image of the president running through his cavalcade of grievances next to the Easter bunny was not exclusive to the balcony. Poor Peter Contell had to listen to this bullshit all dead.

We've broken every record on the stock market. We've broken every record in our military. And we are the most respected country anywhere in the world with the greatest military. Mr. Jameson Greer, have you heard? He's right here. Come on here, James. How are we doing on trade? It's a big country.

They can't fight back. They have no capability. NATO should be ashamed of themselves. This is about eggs. Eggs. Sorry. That's insane. I can't have a thing that if Jesus came back to see the White House Easter event, he'd be like, I think you may have misunderstood my message.

At one point, the show of the Easter Bunny got so bad, you're not sure if it was an episode of the office. If anybody in the egg industry vote for Kamala, a low IQ person. She's a low IQ person. The Easter Bunny does one of these. landed it and his eyes don't move. It is immobile and he still landed the... You have to be for an adult in a bunny suit to go, all right, now I'm embarrassed.

But back to Iran. If you remember correctly, about a week ago, Donald Trump had given Iran a deadline to open up the Strait of Hormuz or face the end of their civilization. And while Iran neither opened up the Strait of Four Moos or faced the end of their civilization, they did agree to a two-week ceasefire.

And to meet in, Islamabad, Pakistan to talk. Let's go there now. The fate of the U.S. Iran war is hanging in the balance. The collective world holding its breath. Highest stakes talks between the U.S. and Iran in many years. In the balance, the lives of millions of people across the Middle East and the fate of the global economy.

My God, these negotiations couldn't be more critical. We're going to need everybody. Bunny, pack your eggs. We're going to Pakistan. What luck for the United States. United States because what Iran might not realize is our president is the greatest negotiator in the history of his book. We are talking about this year's recipient of the FIFA Peace Prize and some fucking gold thing

from Apple. And they don't just give those to anyone. I had the inflection wrong. They don't give those to any. I would have loved to see those Iran negotiators faces when the formidable negotiator in Chief Donald Jehasafeffert Trump entered those talks on Saturday in Islamabad. Unfortunately, he couldn't make it because I shit you not. He went to a UFC fight with Dana White.

Now, before you criticize the President of the United States for attending a UFC fight around the same time that America and Iran are locked in high-stakes negotiations in Islamabad, you do have to understand. He had fantastic seats. like super close like uncomfortably weird and close you're a beautiful guy great fight you'll give you a hot you look so good you're too good looking fair fighter you are so fighter thank you man one last thing you wouldn't mind trying on a bunny suit would you

let's let's see where those eggs come out of I don't really understand Easter all right but it it's fine the president didn't need to be in his I'm sure he can delegate some of the heavy lifting to his accomplished secretary of state, Marco Rubio, who, oh, is all... And by the way, what in the pit bull are those hand signals? No disrespect to Marco repping the 305, but if Trump isn't in Islamabad and Marco Rubio isn't in Islamabad, who exactly is in Islamabad handling these extremely delicate negotiations? Hey, guys, good morning. Thanks for coming. Norris van. World peace depends on chubby face mode, dude. Well, all right, fine. I remain open-minded. Let's set the scene.

Obviously, the last Iran agreement took the Obama administration 20 months to negotiate. And this time there's a wide gap between the U.S. position and the Iranian position. The U.S. is asking for an unconditional surrender. Iran is asking for control the Strait of Hormuz, nuclear enrichment, and money. I'm glad the Pakistanis are setting the stage for what will be extensive and grueling talks. The host country declaring a national holiday implementing a lockdown in the capital of Islamabad. The Pakistani government welcomed both delegations

with flowers as they both got off the plane. The building was decked out in branding. There were signs that read Islamabad talks. Reporters were offered specially branded, brewed for peace coffee. Peace talks have a fucking signature cocktail? Are the countries registered? You know, I pause it. I'm sorry.

Respect Pakistan for taking this seriously and for locking the U.S. and Iran in for the long haul. U.S. Vice President J.D. Vance and his delegation are headed home. What? It's over all right. Oh my God. Did J.D. Vance just fucking nailed this in a... Did J.D. Vance just Rubik's Cube, World Peace, Jazeppa, bab, boom. You know what, J.D. Vance? I owe you an apology. I thought you were some kind of incompetent,

unlikable cytoplasmic apparition of a meatbag filled with cynical ambition, a cipher whose only principle is devotion to power. But you're not that at all. You are a competent, unlikable cytoplasmic apparition of a meat bag. U.S. officials say there's no deal following 16 hours of negotiations with Iran.

Wait, and you didn't even get... Wait, you went home, didn't even get a deal, it failed, and you just came home? Well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't be too hard on yourself. You did give it almost a day. I mean, we all knew that's what it took to build Rome. Jesus, couldn't you have just thrown down some of that peace coffee and pulled in all-nighter?

No, let's resume in the morning and build on some momentum. Just, I got to go. I don't want to miss euphoria. At least tell us, after all this. there were some concessions. You got the Strait of Hormuz open. President Trump announcing today a U.S. military blockade of all ships

passing through the Strait of Hormuz. Now, we're blocking the F*** up, Godfather. You think you're going to close the straight? No. No, my friend, we're closing the strait. You think you can kick me in the Bulls? No, watch this. Never going to get this Hormuz straight?

I'm telling you, man, it's all starting to fall apart in Maga World. The whole thing spread too thin. Even Trump's overseas allies are in trouble. Victor Orban, one of President Trump's closest allies in Europe, is facing his toughest challenge as he tries to win a fifth term as prime minister. Well, no, no, that should be a problem. We all know Trump is the endorser in chief. He shows up to a rally.

Almost inevitably that person gets elected. Is Trump going to head to Hungary to prop up his boy Orban? I mean, who else could you send? Hey guys, good morning. Apparently, a couple of days before J.D. Vance shit the bed in his lava bot, he took a practice crap in Budapest. J.D. Vance treated the crowd to a phone call live from Donald Trump. Here's how it all played out.

I actually had a special guest that asked that I give him a phone call, and we'll see, let's hope he actually answers. But this is going to be very embarrassing. All right. Evance has the same relationship with President Trump that we have with Comcast customer service. That's incredible. Can I tell you my favorite part of the whole thing was the sort of a Vegas magician part at the beginning with the phone. Hey, I've got a special friend.

The way over there. Give her another go. Okay. Try one more time. Good a good signal here. It's ringing. It's progress. Mr. President, you are on with about 5,000 Hungarian patriots, and I think they love you.

even more than they love Victor Orban. Oh my God, you ass-kissing, cytoplasmic, blah, blah, blah, what I said. God. But you know what? I'm sure that by pulling out the big guns, having Donald Trump and J.D. Vance throw all of the American power behind Victor Orban

is sure to pay dividends. Hungarian Prime Minister, Victor Orban, was voted out of power in a massive landslide. Please let the dam be breaking. Folks, this has been a truly shit year, as we have all been at the mercy of the mercurial whims of a mega-maniacal man baby. And we are, the presidency is supposed to age the president, not the people. But I'm telling you, there is hope. The air of Donald Trump's invincibility is being slowly eroded by world.

events and his own heart's ability to clear liquid from his capillaries. That's why I bunches at the bottom. But we cannot give in to the sadness. We must embrace these moments of light and hope and oxygen. Even MAGA is beginning to realize the depths of this man's depravity, no matter how much we love the person he's healing. I do appreciate it. And to the dismay of Donald Trump and his acolytes.

an illiberal autocrat who controlled the media, stacked the judiciary, and manipulated the electoral process of his country, has been crushed. Because the people of Hungary stood up and said, fuck this. We must remember these moments of hope. I'm going to show you something.

These are Hungarians. It's not where we are right now. But I am starting to believe it is where we could be soon. Drink in their jubilation. Take solace and strength from their joy. All right, that might be a little much. But you know what? Sure, fuck it.

Dance like that. And remember, as we grind through these next two and a half years, it ain't over till the Freddie Mercury sings. Start with Vice President J.D. Vance. He had to come out yesterday to defend President Trump from all the woke Christians who are trying to cancel him just because he might have said, I am Jesus, okay? Hey, get over it, snowflakes.

Where in the Trump Bible does it say you can't worship false idols? So poor JD Vance had to come out and explain why you don't get it. I think the president was posting a joke, and of course he took it down because he recognized that a lot of people weren't understanding his humor in that case. Shut up! What's a joke?

What's the matter? You guys don't have jokes at Jesus camp? Everyone knows Trump posted this picture to be funny, right? I did post it, and I thought it was me as a doctor. Wait, wait, what did you mean? A doctor? Okay, well, make up your mind. Is it a doctor or is it a joke?

Or is it a doctor who is a joke? Like a chiropractor? I don't know. Anyway, look, the point is all these Christians need to get off Trump's back. Even Pope Leo is going around criticizing Trump. And Catholic J.D. Vance had to take him to Sunday school. I certainly think that in some cases, it would be best for the Vatican to stick to matters of morality, to stick to matters of, you know, what's going on to the Catholic Church,

and let the President of United States stick to dictating American public policy. Yeah, stop getting all high in mind. The Pope. J.D. Vance just told the Pope to shut up and dribble. Look, it's hard enough being the Pope without having this guy telling you how to do your job. I mean, think about it. The Pope has to wear white all the time and eat Italian food. I mean, it's a miracle.

He isn't saying every mask covered in Marinara. But let's move on because there's a Trump administration official starting a podcast. And if you're hoping it's one of the ones with a voice that doesn't sound like shit, Think again. U.S. Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. has announced he is launching a new podcast. I'm Robert F. Kennedy Jr. You're HHS Secretary. This podcast is about telling the truth, especially when it's uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable already.

I can't think of anyone less suited to an audio-centric medium. Although actually, maybe that's how they'll make money. I mean, Draft Kings is going to pay to not have an audio. ads on it. I can't wait for his first guest, the jackhammer outside your apartment building at 6 a.m. But what's this podcast about exactly? I'm going to ask the questions and lift the taboos

and expose the hypocrisy and the conflicts and the corruption. We're going to follow the evidence wherever it leads. And we're going to name the names of the forces that obstruct the path to public health. Wow, cool. You're going to talk about. the government's problems on the podcast.

That's great. And maybe after you do that, you could, I don't know, maybe send an email to yourself to fix it. Because you're the government. That's your job. That's your job. What's episode two about? Why are government employees starting

podcast instead of working? I investigate. And finally, that's turned to Greg Phillips, the head of FEMA's Office of Response and Recovery. Now, in a normal administration, we were the entire presidency without ever knowing who's the head of FEMA's office of response and recovery.

But, you know, this is Trump. So instead, we get shit like this. Greg Phillips, he was on a podcast in January of last year, during which he claimed more than once that he's teleported, including one time to a Waffle House. Okay, wait, wait, hang on, everybody, wait. Just time out in America. Give me a timeout here.

This dude teleported to Waffle House. Waffle House? Okay, look. He must be joking, right? You know, like when you tell everyone that you're Jesus, it's just a joke. I was with my boys one time, and I was telling I was going to go to Waffle House

and get Waffle House. And I ended up at a Waffle House. This was in Georgia. And I ended up at a Waffle House, like 50 miles away from where I was. They said, where are you? I said, a Waffle House. They said, waffle house where?

And I said, Waffle House in Rome, Georgia. I said, that's not possible. You just left here like, I want him to go. Okay. Wow, I never thought I hear a boring teleportation story. But this is. This guy's like, I told my boys I was going to Waffle House. But instead, I ended up at a different Waffle House.

Universe works in mysterious ways. You have the power of teleportation, but you use it to go to Waffle House. I mean, that's like if you invented time travel, and instead of going back in time to kill Hitler, you went back in time to kill the cashier at Waffle House. Surely there was another place you teleported to, besides Waffle House.

I was on the phone. Oh, my God. happening and I was and I was landed and and landed about 40 miles away in a ditch outside of a Baptist church. It's, it's amazing. Teleported a Waffle House, a ditch. This guy teleports to all the exact places you end up when you're blackout drunk. That's just incredible.

Tiger Woods is like, yeah, they happen to me too. Yeah, I just teleported into an upside-down car. And here's how crazy this story is. Even Donald Trump heard it and was like, this is crazy. So CNN's Andrew Kaczynski called the president to ask about all this. The president's first response was, quote, was he kidding when Andrew said, no. The president said this, quote,

I don't know anything about teleporting. It just sounds a little strange, but I know nothing about teleporting or him, but I'll find out about it right now. The president is on it. Trump's going to find out about it right now. Because if there's a way to bend the laws of the universe to get waffles quickly, Trump will find it.

Now, you're probably thinking it would be incredibly irresponsible to allow this guy to keep working at FEMA. Well, call M. Knight-Sholam, because here comes a twist that doesn't make any sense at all. Despite all this, multiple FEMA official told us that his performance had eased some of their concerns about his lack of experience. One official even described him as FEMA's best hope, saying they couldn't believe that they were actually saying that. Look, of course they like him at work, all right?

He can go on a waffle run in seconds. But that tells you all you need to know about the Trump administration. The Waffle House teleportation guy might be the most competent person in FEMA right now. Do you guys remember how before we had a president who was an old man who said crazy things? We had a president who was an old man who said crazy things. Well, Joe Biden's not the president anymore, but he is still very old. At an event at Syracuse University yesterday, former president Joe Biden called out a man who he thought looked like Barack Obama. And by the way, I always want to turn around one guy and say, uh, Barack, what are you doing?

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. How bad is this gonna be? Like, I hope he's not just pointing to some black guy, but I also hope it's at least a black guy. You know what I mean?

Oh my God, please let him look like Obama. Please let him look like Obama. I feel like he should be standing the right and I should be standing the left. Oh, thank God! Close enough. I mean, I'm not saying he looks a lot like Obama, but it's in the ballpark. I thought for sure it was going to be like Lil Wayne or something.

In fact, I don't know how to explain this, but somehow that guy looks more like Obama than Joe Biden looks like Joe Biden. But still, what a high-risk, low-reward move that was. I mean, at best, the audience is like, Oh, yeah, I guess I can see it. And at worst is they send you off to a nursing home for racists. Speaking of a nursing home for racist, let's check in with the White House to see how our current president is doing.

Good thing America's preeminent TV doctor, Dr. Oz, is keeping an eye on Trump's health. Your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass. It's poured on grass. So therefore, it must kill cancer cells inside the... body. So he'll try to your, please. Diet Coke kills grass, so Diet Coke must be good for me.

Is a crazy theory. Like, this kills plants, so safe to assume it'll kill cancer cells and not everything else in my body is flawless logic. Also, why does he think that diet soda kills grass?

That's not a thing. Like, are we sure he hasn't accidentally been drinking Roundup? Like, that would explain a lot, actually. By the way, I love how Don Jr. just laughs at this. Like, if someone told me this about my dad, I'd be concerned. But Don Jr.'s just like, oh, yeah, ha, yeah, my dad's brain sure is bad. But let's move on, because having a body that's 80% Diet Coke isn't Trump's only problem right now.

Recent polls show that young Republicans are starting to turn on Trump, especially over the war with Iran. But Donald Trump is not worried because he's got the one guy who has the ris to Trump Max Gen Z again. Talking about Vice President J.D. Vance. Yesterday, he went to a T.P. USA event and just look at the packed crowd that came out to see him.

Oh, my God. Have you ever seen such a handful of people? It's very nice of turning point to institute COVID rules six years too late. But... But... J.D. Vance managed to inspire the crowd with his stirring message of, please don't leave me. I recognize that a lot of young voters don't love the policy that we have in the Middle East.

Okay, I understand that. What I'm saying is don't get disengaged because you disagree with the administration on one topic. Get more involved. Make your voice heard even more. That's how we ultimately take the country back. Yeah. That's right, J.D. It's time to take the country back from yourself.

Like, what are you talking about? Taking back from what? Republicans have everything. Republicans control the Congress, the White House, the Supreme Court, old media, social media. You even took a Kennedy. I mean, you can keep him, but you still took him. At this point, you're fighting the establishment.

You are the establishment, buddy. At this point, liberals are like, all we have left is blue sky, and we hate that. But young conservatives aren't just mad at Trump because of the war. They're also mad about the thing he started the war to distract us from. The Epstein Files.

Yeah, remember that? Yeah. Well, you know what? The streets still have questions. But J.D. Vance tried to bail Trump out of that. When Donald Trump says, when the president says, this is a hoax, he's not saying it's a hoax that Epstein was the scumbag. He's saying this democratic idea that somehow he was Epstein's best friend. Jeffrey Epstein hated Donald Trump.

And Donald Trump hated Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah, Trump and Epstein always hated each other. We all remember that famous video of them. Everyone here is my friend. Except you. I hate you. I hate you, too. You're a sick pervert.

I hate you so much. Go, leave. Case closed. The big issue J.D. Vans had to address was Donald Trump's week-long beef with the Pope, which is a completely normal sentence in 2026. You see, the Pope's position is that peace is good, and Donald Trump's position is that he is Jesus Christ.

So J.D. Vans had to go out there in front of literally, dozens of people and tried to argue that the Pope was wrong and AI Jesus was right. The Pope's job is to preach the gospel. When the Pope says that God is never on the side of those who wield the sword, there is a thousand year, more than a thousand year tradition of just war theory. Was God on the side of the Americans who liberated France from the Nazis? I think it's very, very important for the Pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology. Yeah. He's right.

You got to be careful when you talk about theology. Pope, let me remind you guys that what the Pope basically said was war is bad. That's not controversial, all right? It's literally the Pope's job to say things like that. That's like if Miss America wished for world peace and J.D. Vance burst on stage and was like, oh yeah? Even with Hitler? Stay in your lane, bitch.

This is why I don't get about guys like J.D. Vance. Okay, how come you have no problem when the Pope weighs in on abortion policy? But when he weighs in on your foreign policy, you freak out. I mean, wasn't assassinating the Ayatollah just a very, very, very late-term abortion? I mean, the man was in his 258th trimester, right? But fine, the Pope said his thing. J.D. Vance said his thing. And let's just put this thing to bed, okay?

No more Jesus stuff. President Trump. just posted or reposted on his social media site, a new image. The one today is him with Jesus. I think we have this here. Yeah, great. That'll calm things down. Nothing will ease religious tensions,

like posting an image of Jesus giving you a hand job. Let's start with the straight of Homoos. Much like clavicular, we all found out exists two months ago, and now people won't shut the up about it. Well, we have an update. It's still closed. No one can get oil, because turns out this thing we never heard of

was the choke point for the entire fucking planet. Whoops. There are long lineups for fuel from Pakistan to Cambodia to Vietnam. Sri Lanka shortened work weeks to save electricity. In Bangladesh, the energy crisis has forced universities to close. In South Korea, people are being asked to take shorter showers. Okay, not cool, South Korea. Times of global unrest are when people need to jerk off in the shower the most.

And the war's not just making it harder to get clean, it's making it harder to be dead. In Thailand, the strict measures have prevented this temple from refilling its tanks, meaning they would have to suspend cremations. Are you telling me Thailand is filling up with dead bodies? Well, nobody tell RFK Jr. Did anyone call dibs on this? And while Thailand can't set fire to its dead people, it also can't cool down its living ones. The Thai government has ordered government employees to lower office air conditioning to save energy.

During a morning show segment, Thai TV news anchors ditch their suit jackets on air. Let's just take it off so we can set an example of how to save energy too. By wearing less clothing, it can help with our moods and the coping with the weather. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of hot in here. Let's take off our jackets. Betty? Oh, oh, what's that? Breaking News.

Looks like we have to shower together, too. Just to save water. Curse this war. Actually, oh my God, I just realized. This whole oil crisis is going to end with me seeing Wolf Blitzer's dick. This shows you what life is like for other countries in a world dominated by America. We start a war, and now everyone else has to have swan. bump ass. But hey, if it's any solace to the rest of the world, I'm sure the American economy

is suffering just as much. The American stock market just hit a record high. Isn't that something? That's right. This American stock market is as high as ever, thanks to the investment strategy of, uh, la la, la, everything's fine. Money, money, money, money. The stock market is like America's Instagram. No matter what's really going on in your life, always looks good on the stock market. Hey, happy anniversary, baby. Our marriage is perfect, and we definitely are sleeping in the same room. For most of the world, this war cannot end soon enough. And today, we got an update from Pete Heggseth, Secretary of Defense and worst part of every Hooters' Waitresses Day. He came out at a press conference this morning, and you can tell he's laser-focused.

on defeating Iran. A note to the press, to the press corps, to the American media. As I just can't help but notice the endless stream of garbage, the relentlessly negative coverage. Okay, right. No, obviously he has to defeat the American media first, but then Iran. In the press, you only seek the negative, earning each and every day.

and every day the fake news label. Okay, okay, I get it. We suck. We suck. Fine. Okay, but what about the homoose? Sometimes it's hard to figure out what side some of you are actually on. It's incredibly unpatriotic. Where's the coverage of the new spirit in the country?

Yeah. Yeah, you stupid fake news media. Show some headlines about spirit in America. Like, how about Spirit Airlines may have the liquid aid due to the rising fuel prices? Okay, well... You guys are so happy that spirit is... You know what I mean.

Stop with all the crybaby anti-Trump questions. Like, why haven't we achieved any of the goals in the war? Just fucking babies. Only good Christian patriotic questions from now on. Okay, go. Iranian embassy accounts are sharing an AI video of Jesus Christ kind of bloodily killing President Donald Trump. Does the Pentagon have a response to this,

including the fact that this AI Jesus is casting Trump into hell? Now there's a question. What does, I quote, what does the Pentagon think of Iran's AI video where Jesus kills Trump and tosses him into hell? Which, by the way, it's too graphic to even show on TV. And as you all know, there's no other place besides TV to watch videos, so I guess you'll never see it.

What say you, Secretary Hexeth? Are you pro or con this video of Trump being sent to the fires of hell by AI Jesus? As far as a video like that, of course, that's disgusting and detached from reality. Yeah, okay. Thank you for clarifying that Jesus punching Trump straight into hell was not reality. I don't think there were a ton of people going, so are they going to arrest Jesus for this or what? I mean, I was all set to go to my nearest church, find a priest, and be like, what the fuck, man?

Get control of your boy. But this leads to an important point about the Iran war. Memes are weapons now. War with Iran isn't just playing out on the ground. It's exploding online. Iranian embassies and pro-Iran groups are flooding social media with AI-generated memes, many mocking President Trump and U.S. policy.

Mocking President Trump. No one's ever thought of that. Big deal. Look, no offense, Iran, but you're not exactly known as a cultural powerhouse. Okay, so good luck impressing Americans with your little videos. The secrets are leak it. The pressure is rising. We're locked on the target.

Holy shit. Did I... Is there a sequel to a Lego movie I don't know about? Did I just see Iran fire a loser rocket at Lego Trump? I mean, look, do I support Iran propaganda? No. Could it end up on my Spotify wrapped? Absolutely.

I mean, I kind of can't wait for Iran the headline Coachella next year. But if I told I can do that, you know what? I bet Donald Trump and his virgin maxing meme lords can go even harder. All right? Show him what you got, Trump. You want to see me do it again?

You want to see me do it again? What the f***ke was that? That was the shittiest meme ever. How is Trump bad at this? What was the point of electing a cyber bully if he sucks at cyberbullying? I was worried we might be the bad guys in this war, but after seeing this disc drag, I'm realizing it's much worse. What Drake?

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