The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart on the U.S.-Iran Situationship & Desi Lydic on Trump's Cognitive Tests

Episode Date: May 9, 2026

Get caught up on all the latest headlines with the Daily Show team. Jon Stewart weighs in on Trump ignoring the legal deadline for Congress to approve the war in Iran and on King Charles's reminder to Congress about checks and balances. Desi Lydic tackles the president's multiple cognitive tests, the boycott against the Bezos-backed Met Gala, major cuts to airlines due to the ongoing Iran conflict, and Marco Rubio's obsession with 90s rap. Plus, Desi comments on the release of Jeffrey Epstein's purported suicide note and the cryptic message that lies within it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Maintaining financial transparency and keeping money where it belongs is a priority for many. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers often make that difficult with high monthly bills, hidden fees, and perks that actually cost more in the long run. It's time to stop overpaying for wireless just because that's how it's always been. MintMobile exists purely to fix that system, rescuing consumers with premium wireless plans starting at just $15 a month. All plans include high-speed data and unlimited talk and text, delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. This is a high-quality alternative to overpriced wireless, offering three months of premium service at that $15 per month rate. The process is designed for maximum convenience. Users can bring their own phone and current phone number, activate an e-sim in minutes, and start saving immediately. There are no long-term contracts and no unnecessary hassle, making it easy to ditch expensive carriers for a more efficient option. If you like your money, Mintmobile is for you. Shop plans and Mintmobile.com daily. That's mintmobile.com slash daily. Up-up-front payment of $45 for $45.5-gigibite plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only, then full-price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra.

Seamint Mobile for details. You're listening to Comedy Central. Ladies and gentlemen, obviously the big news continues to be our situation ship with Iran. Is it a war? Is it a ceasefire? Are we friends with bomb-fits? I don't know. Because as you know, Friday marked the expiration of the 60-day free trial period presidents get to do wars. After 60 days, the president must ask Congress, who then decides, are we subscribing? Or are we just going to use

Israel's password? So as you can imagine, it's going to be big news when Trump asks for official permission. Trump's signaling he will not seek official permission from Congress to extend the war with Iran. What? Going to seek official permission,

I was kind of under the impression that that's not his choice. that it would be, I don't know, illegal. Then I remember Donald Trump doesn't give a fuck about legality or any accountability that may occur from said illegality. So much so that he felt confident confessing to said illegality in a speech in Florida on the day he was supposed to attain congressional approval. What they call a military operation, you know, they don't like the word war, and they call it a military operation, because that way you don't have a war, you don't have legal problems.

You almost have to admire the brazenness of a president just casually explaining just a thing, how to get around our pesky laws. It's not a care in the world. It's like going up to a McDonald's cashier. Yeah, I'm going to get a cup of water. Well, I say water. It's because I don't like to use the word soda. If I say water, I get it for free. But to be clear, I will be drinking soda. But my plan is to use the word water to avoid any what you call payment problems.

Trump's plan only works if he has the discipline to maintain his assertion that we are, in fact, not in a war. You know, we're in a war. Get around being a war. We're in a war. He's just sitting there. He's like he's just looking the cashier in the eye, filling up his cup with soda. I'm just going to get a little mountain. Little, I don't know what the root beer one is. Little mountain, dude. Wait, it's all purposeful. These are not mistakes. These are the

machinations of genius. He'll tell you himself as he did this weekend. I'm the only president to take a cognitive test. You know, the first question is very easy. It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a shark. They say which one is the bear? You're the only president to take the cognitive. test. Let me ask you a question. Why do you think that is? That you're the only president that that happens to. That for some reason, every time you go to the doctor, which is a lot, the doctor's always like, hey, while you're here, if you could come over here and just explain very quickly, which one of these is the bad? I interrupted. I interrupted. Let's hear more about this totally believable test you keep acing. They say, take a number.

any number, okay, I'll take 99, multiply times nine, okay? Divide it by three, good. Add 4,293, that's good. Divide by two, subtract 93, divide by nine. There aren't a lot of people that get it right. I got it right. The answer was bare.

Be dismiss it. No, Trump is a regular Stephen Hawking. That's what it is. Although I thought the only thing they had in common was being in the Epstein files. But the important, I'm sorry, I apologize, too soon? Or should I say, listen, if Punch the Monkey can handle it, the wild thing is Trump seems to be almost getting smarter with age.

Because this is how he handled math questions 20 years ago on the Howard Stern show. All right, I'm going to ask you a tough question. We're at school of business. Yes. What's 17 times six? Come on. What is he? Human calculators?

See, that's not a practical... 96? Wrong. That's not a practical application, though. Ivanka, 17 times 6. It's 11. It's 1112. 7.12 isn't a real number. Two numbers just play side by side.

Guess it's the 2000s equivalent of 6.7. I apologize. I know you're a genius. Try again. 112. 112? 112. It is 112? 112?

Yeah. Yeah. So that is a number. but it's still wrong. 102. But somehow we're supposed to believe that 20 years later, you've turned into a fucking genius. You've turned into a working class janitor

at MIT solving quadratics between mopping up. You know, I can't believe they ever gave Trump the FIFA math prize. So, see, Trump is a special genius that sees himself above all traditional

presidential limitations. He's not bound by our petty checks and bound and separations of powers. He has ignored 31 lower court decisions, not including 250 more rulings in immigration cases. He's festooned the people's house with

trappings of a Versailles themed bar mitzvah. He has built a Kim Jong-un-esque, giant gold statue of himself at his Doral golf course. He's going to be on our f***ing passports. Our passport.

Whenever you go When ever you travel overseas, you're going to have to tell a customs officer, I don't know him. How out of control are Trump's royal ambitions so bad that last week, an actual king, born of the lineage of kings we fought to establish our constitutional republic, had to come back here to remind us to wake the fuck up. I come here today with the highest respect for the United States Congress. This citadel of democracy created to represent the voice of all American people to advance sacred rights and freedoms.

Oh shit, no, you'll do. What's the British word for cylinders? I don't know. Would you hurt them? And then Charles did us dirty with a list of all the hard-fought constitutional principles we are squandering. The principle that executive power is subject to checks and balances. The rule of law, the certainty of stable and accessible rules, an independent judiciary delivering impartial justice. Let our two countries rededicate ourselves.

All right, all right. It was all very powerful until you hit the rededicate. The separation of powers that we must rededicate. I'm going to stop you before you go full tootsie pop owl. Must you give a country before we get to the... He's just a boy. Standing in front of a Congress. Asking it to rededigate itself to the principles of constitutional checks and balances.

But Congress won't. Congress won't do that because they suck. Congress has completely abandoned any serious oversight of our military operation. They've still not passed a full budget. They've passed fewer laws than any Congress in the first year of a presidency. in our history. They haven't done anything. Well, that's not totally fair. We have another bird alert, and this time it involves something that happened on Capitol Hill.

These birds were in the hot seat during a House hearing led by Idaho Republican Congressman Mike Simpson. The hearing was meant to highlight efforts to preserve these birds of prey. That's what it is intended for, but instead, it ended in tragedy. Jump Lindsay! The Congresspeople still showing up for bird shows are the best. best to them. Some of these people don't show up for anything. GOP, New Jersey representative Tom Kane, Jr. hasn't voted since March 5th. Kane has missed more than 50 votes. Top GOP leaders are in the dark. It's a mystery in

the Capitol building. Fox contacted multiple members of the House GOP leadership. None had any idea about Kane's whereabouts. One member of the Republican brass told Fox that Kane's absence didn't worry them, quote, until you called. Hey, you know the saying around here, that's just more birds for us, huh? Here's how little government even means to any of them. This is who was designated survivor, who would be tasked with rebuilding our nation if the worst had actually happened at that White House correspondence dinner. The person who would have theoretically taken over control of the United States government

as president of the United States if something would have happened to everybody in that room would have been Senator Chuck Grassley, who is in his 90s. Where's the designated survivor who will lead our country into the future? The guy who will lead our country into the future, statistically doesn't have much of one. Like, actuarial tables-wise, he would not be expected to survive an uneventful evening. I'm sorry. Too soon?

No way, if you're hoping that our judiciary will step up and be the guardrail against Trump's kingly ambitions, watch a bunch of nominees for confirmation to our federal court system. Refuse to do so. Mr. Mark, if I might, just tell me about the 22nd Amendment. What does it provide? I haven't had an opportunity to use that one specifically. It states no person shall be elected to the office of the president more than twice. Mr. Mark, is President Trump eligible to run for president again in 2028? Senator, without considering all the facts and looking at everything,

depending on what the situation is, this to me strikes more of a hypothetical. Is he eligible to run for a third term under our Constitution? I would have to review. Review? I mean, you can't have three. Do you really have to do the math on that? Person trying to be confirmed to the United States judicial system? Is the answer 1112?

Is that what you're looking at? It's, what do you have to review? It's not a trick. Anybody else brave enough to say that the Constitution of the United States prevents President Trump from seeking a third term? Anybody willing to apply the Constitution by its plain language in the 22nd Amendment? Nobody. All right, let's move on. Are you happy?

It broke his heart. The Congress isn't coming to save us. The judiciary isn't coming to save us. The voters are being gerrymandered out of being able to save us. We've only got one last card to play, our beautiful fourth of state. Democracy dies in darkness. So we look to the free press, the newsies, the ink-stained wretches, the masters of muckrake, the cliquity-clack brigade, tapers, rappers, wolf blitzers, titty twisters.

To bring the tough questions that hold the politicians accountable. There was reporting this week that because of all the firepower required for Epic Geary, that there are people in the White House who are starting to worry about our inventory of bombs and missiles. Are you worried? It's a solid question. The New York Times just discovered that since the war began, the United States has burnt through half its long-range missiles, plus a thousand Tomahawk missiles, which is nearly 10 times more than we buy each year, plus thousands more of pretty much every other type of missile that we have. Experts are getting worried. We're depleting our stockpiles.

So, Mr. President, are we running out of weapons? No, no, we have more than we've ever had. Because all over the world we have in Detroit, and we could take that if we needed it. Right now, we have more than double what we had when this started. That sounds like bullshit. Is it perhaps what you're saying is, in the beginning of the war, we had only this one ball. And then we spent a month using that ball. We used it to bomb every place in Iran we could think of.

And now, at the end of that time, we find ourselves. One ball, and we use the ball to bomb Iran, and now apparently we have... Very clearly, this makes no f***ing sense. It's nonsensical, on its face. And the reporters have all the specific reporting to back that up. The follow-ups to this nonsense are going to be brutal. The G7 is in France, in June. Will you go to it? Probably.

The question should just be this. What the f*** did you say? The G7 is a month from now. It'll be on his schedule. Follow up on the fucking missile thing. You still support a pardon for Pete Rose, sir. Oh, I think Pete Rose was great. Oh, I get it.

You're prepping him with nonsense to lower his defenses before you come into hard facts about a war he's clearly bullshitting about. You're going to be hosting the first ever UFC fight at the White House in 45 days, sir. Can you preview the event? Can you talk about the card and what the thing? We're so f***.

And by the way, what is the point of having to shout your questions if you're not going to listen to the answers. We need you to help us litigate the boundaries of our reality, not move on to Pete Friking Rose.

Can someone from the foreign press jump in? I love you, Mr. President. I love you. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President. Well, they give Chef Boyardee credentials? Mr. President, Italy has a question for you. By the way, that reporter is not actually Italian. He's Kurdish, but this was the only accent we felt we could safely do it.

I genuinely don't understand what this country is becoming. When every one of our institutions are failing us, is there any hope for the liberal democracy that has inspired the world for these past 250 years? Is there anyone who can recall the lessons of our American Revolution and inspire this nation to return to its founding principles in this, our 200,000? That's our two countries rededicate us. If the strongest defender of American democracy is the king of England, we are really

f***. The night was the Met Gala. It's the biggest night of the year for fashion and for your mom saying, now is that one heated rivalry? But the biggest trend on the red carpet this year was controversy. This year's Met Gala finds itself steeped in turmoil. Why? Because the chair are billionaire Jeff Bezos and his wife Lauren Sanchez. Look at the message projected last night on a building in New York City, boycott the Bezos Met Gallup.

Yeah, get his ass. I fully support this message, although I don't know if the people living in that building do. Sorry, can you just take it down and not? Your activism is getting in my eyes. What if they even find a projector that big? Well, probably Amazon. They have Prime Day deals. No, no, no, no, no, Desi, remember, boycott, boycott. But while the wealthy are living their best lives,

the rest of the country is tightening their belts. The war in Iran has sent fuel prices rising to the point where over the weekend, Spirit Airlines was forced to shut down. Spirit Airlines, at least it's no longer suffering. In heaven, after a three-day layover in Phoenix. Things are getting so bad that even the real airlines are struggling. If you fly Delta and you look forward to hearing the words, would you like a Bisk off cookie and a complimentary beverage when you travel?

Yes, please. You may be out of luck. Delta is eliminating snack and drink service on all flights under 350 miles. With the smoke detectors, now this? This is bullshit. So if I want a free cookie, now I have to, what, give blood at the Red Cross? You can fucking forget about that. This is my blood, okay?

I made it so I get to keep it. F*** off, you bloodthirsty maniacs. What is wrong? with you. Sorry, I just really like cookies. Now, without pointing fingers, this entire situation is President Trump's fault. So he needs to reassure people that he has a plan to fix the economy.

And fortunately, he had the chance yesterday when he hosted a small business summit. These are the men and women on the economic front lines. Donald Trump, give them the reassurance they need. Anybody running for president or vice president should take a cognitive test. So I've taken three. No president.

Think of this, has ever taken one. Kind of a weird flex. It's like bragging about being the only kid in school who gets a special helper. This is not a test to see how smart you are. It's to check if your brain is functioning, which Trump should understand based on the questions. The first question is very easy, and they always show the first question is you have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a, what's another good, a squirrel, okay? Okay? Which is the squirrel?

I'm glad that we have a president who can differentiate between an alligator and a squirrel. Unlike President Coolidge, God rest his soul. But Trump's struggling to remember all the animals isn't a surprise. In fact,

maybe that should be the cognitive test. You have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a, what's another good, a squirrel, okay? Which is the squirrel? You have a lion, a giraffe, a whale, and a shark. And they'll say, which one's the lion?

It's a lion, a giraffe, a bear, and a shark. They say, which one is the bear? A tiger, an elephant, a giraffe, a giraffe, a tiger, or this, a whale. A giraffe, a fish. And a hippopotamus, right? I'm sure there was even a test. I feel like there's a good chance the president was just watching Zootopia. You know what, maybe small business owners aren't the best audience for Donald Trump's

animal facts. Is there an audience that's closer to his intellectual level? President Trump hosted a group of children at the White House today for an event promoting physical fitness. Ah, there we go. That's more your speed. Now you can talk about animals until your heart's content. The power of a nuclear weapon is something I don't, you don't want to talk about. We can't let Iran have a nuclear weapon. You might be too young. for this. No, they're not too young. I'm sure they've already seen the Paw Patrol episode

where they drop a ballistic missile on Humdinger. Talking about nuclear war in front of children. You kids have seen Oppenheimer, right? Lawrence Pugh. Her tities were out for 10 minutes, and he became death destroyer of all world. So true, so true. Honestly, if there was ever an event

where it was important to stick to the topic at hand, it's the one where you're surrounded by small children. understand that, right? It was a rigged election. Barack of San Obama. Have you heard of them? Open borders letting anybody come in from the Congo, from countries all over the world.

They came in from prisons and mental institutions. He can put on weight, like up and down like a yo-yo. And he doesn't take the shot, okay? We just hit records on the Dow. We reached 50 in the first year. And then I reached 7,000. When you have transgender mutilization, don't listen to biscuits.

And then all of a sudden, a woman dropped, dead with a bullet right there. Hey up from the White House? The president is trauma dumping on me again. Nine of our four-week war with Iran, and it hasn't been going great. But this morning, there was some unquestionably good news for anyone insider trading the oil markets. And we do have breaking news this morning. White House officials believe, quote, the U.S. and Iran are closing in on a one-page memo to end the war.

Sorry, a one-page memo? How can Trump end a war with less paperwork than it took me to end my planet fitness membership? Whoever wrote that memo, can you please organize all bachelorette trips? Can we actually, can we see a copy of this memo? Him. This is far from a done deal,

since Iran does not seem to trust Donald Trump. Some say that's because Trump famously never honors his agreement. while others say, yep, that's it with the first guy said. The Secretary of State, Marco Rubio, has a more sophisticated explanation. The times come for Iran to make a sensible choice. And it's not easy for them to do that, obviously, because the top people in that government are, to say the least, you know, they're insane in the brain.

Really, Marco? A little inappropriate to be quoting old rap lyrics while you're talking about war. I mean, you imagine your doctor. telling you, if you're looking for the tumor on this scan, whoop, there it is. I'm afraid it's actually spread from the windows to the wall. Drop down my...

But if you've been watching Marco Rubio for a long time, first of all, what is wrong with you? And second, you know that this is kind of his thing. Every day, the Department of War lets the drummer get wicked over every portion of Iran. They should check themselves before they wrecked themselves. If you don't know, now you know. We are dealing with people over there that have spent most

their lives living in a gangster paradise. I'm sorry, we're getting breaking news that rap is no longer cool. Marco, you've got to drop this. You're the Secretary of State, for Christ's sakes. Not some lame wedding DJ. Marco Rubio clocking in for a shift as a wedding DJ over the weekend.

And in this administration busy. Marco Rubio's DJing, Cash Patel is party in locker rooms. RFK is working out with Kid Rock. Donald Trump has scheduled nap times in the middle of meetings. Focus.

We need to end this war. It is costing us billions of dollars a week. Surely there are more important things we could be spending money on. Senate Republicans are working to secure $1 billion in taxpayer money for President Trump's White House ballroom saying the money is for security enhancements.

Ugh, not the fucking ballroom again. People didn't even want the ballroom when he was building it for free. Now Trump's like, okay, I hear you, but what if it costs a billion dollars? And if this ballroom story is making you sick, don't worry, it can also make you literally sick. Health concerns growing from President Trump's ballroom project. A new report showing soil taken from the White House construction project has tested positive for toxic chemicals. So that soil is dumb near one of the three golf courses at East Potomac.

All first, first they can't even clap normally, and now this? I can't believe. saying these words, but the toxic waste the president has dumped onto the public grounds from his demolition of the White House could be very dangerous for golfers. I hope everyone in the D.C. area keeps his safe distance. DC News now is Daniel Hanberg, joining us live at the golf course there in Southwest. And Daniel, are there? Hulman safety concerns at this point? There are Susan and Chris. There are Susan and Chris. The toxic site you sent me to. is indeed toxic.

The thing we could have talked about in the studio. But let's move on from the golf course to something equally toxic, Chuck Edwards. North Carolina Congressman and Guy who's not bald, so stop asking. Turns out he's in big trouble. Yet another member of Congress facing a House Ethics Committee Investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct.

What sources described to me was inappropriate conduct that crossed the line. Representative Chuck Edwards had an inappropriate relationship with two young female staffers who were both in their 20s. Both of these relationships included love letters, personal gifts, personal travel. We saw Edwards write to this staffer that she was, quote, the most amazing woman that she, quote, had written a complex chapter in his heart. A complex chapter in his heart?

What a sophisticated way of saying, me horny. But, yeah. Believe, this guy is a creep. I mean, he's the kind of guy who's not wearing a fedora, but when you think of him later, he's wearing a fedora. What his love letters were like, but gifts, gifts were his real love language. He gave these two staffers, jewelry, designer bags. One of the gifts was even a custom puzzle that when you assembled it,

revealed a photo of Adam Sandler with a handwritten note, asking the staffer to come to a comedy show, one of Adam Sandler's comedy shows with her. You sexually harassed your staffer with a custom Adam Sandler puzzle? Not only are you violating the rules of the workplace, but you're giving her homework? This is you know how to describe this. This is insane in the brain. Someone who was definitely in the Epstein files, Jeffrey Epstein.

We've seen millions of his texts and emails already, but there was one very important document we hadn't seen until now. Breaking news tonight, a judge has released what is said to be a suicide note written by the late convicted. Sex Offender Jeffrey Epstein. It is a treat to be able to choose one's time to say goodbye. What you want me to do, bust out crying, no fun, not worth it. No fun, not worth it? His last words were the same words I said when I bailed on the new season of Landman. Just kidding.

All 437 Taylor Sheridan shows are equally excellent and available now on Paramount Plus. But let's move on because this weekend is Mother's Day. The day we celebrate all the incredible women who pee a little when they sneeze too hard. Trump marks the occasion with an event honoring military moms, or as he calls them, military milfs. And I assume he showed them the love and respect they deserve. We're also honored to be joined by a military mother who sacrificed far more than most as Melody Wolf. and, you know, I love the name Melody because for a long time, you know, they have spell correct and word correct in these crazy machines that we use to put out truths or they used to be called tweets. Every time I wrote Melania, it would correct to Melody.

So I do think, and I work very fast, very fast. Well, now I know what I'm not getting for mothers. Horny ever again. I think we just experienced the last thing of Big Maxis right before the lights go out. But don't worry, Trump turned off his autocorrect. Just kidding, he did this. I didn't know about that little feature,

but I got that corrected eventually. You know who corrected? The military. I'm sorry, the military had to fix your auto-correct problem. Trump heard he had to go to his phone's general settings, and he was like, okay, then, get me general settings. And get me Captain Airplane mode too, just in case. Mr. President, can you please stop with your weird stories?

You see drug traffic coming into our country's way down, and by sea, by sea, by ocean, by the water, you know? A lot of people say, what do you mean by sea? Is it sea like vision? No, it's the SEA. What? I've been confused by that phrase. If you say by sea, it's obvious that sea means ocean. And by means bisexual. I mean, at least until it graduates.

Look, anyone who watches this speech must be questioning if this man should be president. Inflation is rising. Corruption is through the roof. We are losing a war he shouldn't have started. And he's spending his days rambling about autocorrect and building a ballroom for himself and melody? Sure.

Surely at this point, he's got to be losing support among Republicans. There's this myth that's going on right now, that, oh, Trump is really really losing support among Republicans, but compared to other midterm cycles, he's just as popular with Republicans as he has ever been. Is still sticking with him after everything? Look, I know it's hard to admit you're wrong.

Take it from me, the creator of the Facebook group, Jared Fogle, would make the most awesome babysitter. At this point, you've got to cut your losses. I mean, what is it? Do you have a humiliation kink or something? This polling to me jumped out at me, Ours. They asked Republicans who would win when a physical fight with Trump. Would you be able to beat up Donald Trump

or would he beat you up? 39% of Republicans said, Trump would beat me up. You have a humiliation kink. But you really think you'd lose a fight to an 80-year-old man? I mean, come on, Republicans. Believe in yourself.

Where's that storming the capital confidence? To be fair, this is an incredibly weird phone call to receive. Yeah, Dave, it's the polling company. You think you could take President Trump, you fucking pussy? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central,

and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Soccer fans, your chance to witness history is here. You can win tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2026 final thanks to Visa. All it takes is a BMO Visa credit card to winner. Sign up and enter at BMO.com slash contest. Contest rules apply.