The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Trump's "Meritocracy" & Desi Lydic on MAGA Moving Iran Goalposts

Episode Date: July 25, 2026

Catch up on the latest headlines with The Daily Show News Team. Jon Stewart covers Trump horning in on Spain's FIFA World Cup celebration and examines how his administration's DEI-free meritocracy is really going. Desi Lydic weighs in on the president's post-World Cup tariffs on Canada, his newest bout of election fraud claims, the SAVE Act taking cues from Olive Garden, and conservatives moving the goalposts on the war in Iran. Plus, Don Jr. profits mightily from his dad’s presidency but swears he’s not the “cokehead” everyone thinks he is. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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World Cup Ended yesterday. with Spain defeating Argentina 1-0 in the footie. The Spain-Argentina final was like a reverse Super Bowl, where the players spoke Spanish and the halftime show was in English. They had Madonna and Justin Bieber and for some reason The Muppets. Holy shit. Is that the count?

You got all the Muppets to choose from. Why in God's name would you make the vampire work during the day? Not only is it the bright glare of the afternoon sun, but for most of the game, the score was zero zero. You're taunting this poor bastard. I sat in traffic for one. Two, three, I was. For this, I'm burning alive. By the way, congrats to World Cup Championships.

Spain, Espania, clearly the best team in this year's tournament. And they celebrated receiving the World Cup trophy with a trophy hoist, which is traditionally, it's a moment that is shared really only by the players. A special moment that is only for the players. It is really, what must everything be tainted by the overinflated ego of Cancles Muldoon? Why? Why? I will admit this. Afterwards, Trump had some really insightful post-game analysis.

I thought it was incredible. It was four times greater than any FIFA ever held. What's a FIFA? How do you hold a FIFA? How could our FIFA be four times greater than any other FIFA? And it's probably about five times, actually. They're telling me today. Is that what they told you?

You know, they're telling you that because everyone around you lies to you because you are a weird old man can we go back a second though and I don't mean to what's up with the guy behind Trump can we see that again can you bring that out

what the fuck is this guy who the fuck is this is this what who in the world is it oh my God is that a backup Trump is that or is that Trump wait is the one we've been dealing

with that Trump's let's on from the World Cup final to something with no actual end in sight, the Iran war. The Iran war is reigniting, and as escalation continues with more intense and widespread bombing, there's no sign that either side is prepared in any way to... You're not in this graphic. What? We have talked about this.

You're not in this... Is that real Trump or backup? I don't know what's happening. Anyway, clearly, the war is escalating. And Americans are rightly concerned that we will be drawn even further into a war that has already cost too much in American lives and money. And so it was that Donald Trump delivered a primetime national speech on Thursday night to address this urgent situation. In mid-2018, China was working to influence the results of the U.S. midterm elections and later the results of the 2020 presidential election. They wanted to just make you sound like your president was.

so hot when actually your president has done a great job. Those Chinese bastards, I'll have you know both presidents Trump are hot as fucking doing a great job. Blue tie is doing a little better than red tie. But still, but yes, apparently the president of the United States called this meeting to announce a new entry in his long-running mystery series. 2020 election. What had happened was

With the turn of a dial or the change of a chip, you can press a button for Trump, and the vote goes to Biden. Illegal aliens and dead people are voting. Big technology companies censored the Hunter Biden laptop story, which independent analysis have said it cost Donald Trump millions of votes. Surely would have changed the outcome. I remember back in 2020,

when we were all wearing masks and socially distancing for fear, we would come across a Hunter Biden dick pick. So now they've settled on maybe China did it. A theory that lasted all the way until a few minutes after Thursday night's speech. When reporters caught up with John Solomon, the guy Trump hired to find any evidence that China did it. Did you acknowledge that there were no votes changed in 2020? All I can acknowledge is what the intelligence shows, right? I only know the intelligence committee has zero evidence that someone that a foreign power flipped a vote in 2020, 22, or 24.

The 2020 election was, in fact, the results as we, the American public saw. I'm still researching. So let me, let me, this is the first. But there's no intelligence. Now, yeah, that's the truth. There is no intelligence. Can he still see me? Look, we have fun.

But I'm not actually worried about our election security because we have a robust cybersecurity and infrastructure agency that monitors threats to our system. Knowing that that's a priority of the Trump administration gives me great confidence. Trump fired a third of the workers last year at SISA, the Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Agency. Well, that news would have me shitting my pants if I wasn't already shitting my pants due to the cuts to our food monitoring system. Nationwide diarrhea outbreak. But at least we have that outbreak under control. as our incredibly competent FDA has finally identified the source of the outbreak.

The Food and Drug Administration now taking back what it said about the source of the cyclospora outbreak. The FDA now says the sample from Mexico-based Taylor Farms was a false positive. The FDA admitted it made a mistake and apologized. Apologized to me. Apologize to this great nation's gaping burning anus. You know what I'm talking about. We were talking about it in the questions before the show. Many of these people are here, even though I can still soothe our burning anuses in the cool, crystal clear waters of our nation's Lincoln Memorial, Reflecting Pool.

Tonight, the Reflecting Pool in the nation's capital being drained again. You know, I'm starting to get the sense that this administration is not as competent. Stay with me. Not as competent as we've been led to police. And it's not just the pool or the diarrhea. Trump said he was going to cut our energy bills

in half. Electricity's up 18%. He said gas prices would go below two bucks a gallon. It's up to four bucks a gallon. He said he was going to stop new wars. He's bombed at least seven other countries. He said he was going to lead a blooming manufacturing jobs. We've lost tens of thousands of manufacturing jobs. They said they would be saying Merry Christmas again. No one's wished me Merry Christmas in March. This country was going to enter a golden age because only qualified people would be in charge now. They promised no more the woke bullshit that had held this country

down for so long. We will terminate every diversity, equity and inclusion program. DEI is a cancer. It's a cancer that destroys merit. want the most competent people. They have to be at the highest level of genius. A meritocracy. Isn't that a beautiful word? Meritocracy. It is a beautiful word.

Where the f*** is it? Where is this meritocracy? We have seen one. It's just another word like daemphis or Jimothy. May I just say something quickly about Jimothy? Hear me out. Hear me out. I f*** with Jimothy.

I f*** with them heavy. Now, I know some of you were perhaps worried about what I might say because of my previous punch kerfuffle. Let me tell you people something. Jimothy is everything punch. Wish as he could be.

Yes, yes. Look, look at Jimithy. Look at him cavorting. That's his family cavorting with Jimothy when he was a baby. Look at them all. They love Jimothy. That's not my judgment.

That is the judgment of the community. They have decided. Not an easy decision. by the way. I'm sure at first they were like, is that a raccoon or an ottoman? I don't know what to happen. But I'll tell you what I think, Jimothy is. A short king.

Jimothy has merit. Unlike all those that were running the government before Trump and Trump's merry band of gifted and talented technocrats stacked in to save the day, first stop for them to save the day was the economy. No longer would our nation's growth engine be hijacked by lesbians and Latin exes. No.

The best and the brightest. would be in charge from here on out. And the results to the economy would be immediate. I think we're up to a great start, and President Trump's going to bring back the golden age. Yes. But unfortunately, DEI had a greater stranglehold on the levers of our government

than we had originally thought. The first quarter, surely Biden, all right, well, the first quarter then, Q2, that ends in April. So April is when our best and brightest finally. It's coming, and it's coming now, and I tell you what, it feels, Great.

Enough about your Epstein testimony. What about the economy? In the not too distant future, I think we will be back to firing on all cylinders. So may? Over the next three months. So the economy will be fixed by our meritocracy, three months, by August of 2025? I think we're going to really pick up in the fourth quarter. So no later than December of 2025.

I think we are at the cusp of the liftoff in 2026, 2027. That is a long liftoff. Generally, a liftoff is 10, not. Well, you know what? If this ever competent administration can't turn this woke-laden economy around, they still have options. Well, maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30 house, you know,

and maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would doggle of. See, that's what the competence has gotten us. That's what the meritocracy has done for us. The economy is going to boom in a month, in a year, in two years. You know what? How many f***le dolls do you people need? Just get two and cut them into pieces. Now you got 16.

Older kids get the tops. Younger ones get the bottoms. Punch gets whatever's left over. This, this meritocracy talk was a sham from the get-go. Remember once Uber-capable Elon Musk doged out the unworthy woke deep state minorities, we were supposed to have been cooking with whatever is available to use as fuel. Doge firing thousands of IRS workers creating chaos. Hundreds of layoffs at the Centers for Disease Control, the FAA, and FEMA.

3,500 jobs from the FDA. Hundreds of senior staff at the Department of Homeland Security. Making cuts to the National Weather Service, as severe weather moves into the South. Laid off nearly all federal workers who investigate firefighter deaths. Accidentally fired some veterinarians and animal health technicians

working to prevent the spread of bird flu. You fired the people trying to prevent bird flu? Who's going to teach birds how to sneeze into their elbow? Maybe Doge sending in teenage ubermensches to gut entire departments on ideological grounds might have led to some problems. But hey, at least they reduced the federal deficit. I think it was more important to reduce the federal deficit from $2 trillion to close to zero.

Did you reduce the federal deficit? No, we didn't. Well, the real treasure was the friends you made along the way. Oh, wait, you made no friends. Up and down this administration, we were promised meritocracy. We got ideologues and talk show hosts, who, as we reignite a New War with Iran to reopen the strait that they closed because of our original war, throw out shit like this. Today, I'm authorizing a new screening program for testosterone deficiency for our service members, ensuring you have the right testosterone levels to operate at your absolute best. Hey, you can't spell meritocracy without more tea. Yeah, that's right. Watch out, Iran. We just declared war on these nuts. Health and human services.

How's old Robert F. Kennedy Jr. doing with that? A growing measles outbreak. Deadly outbreak of the hantavirus. The flesh-eating screw worm is spreading beyond Texas. So help me God. If Jimothy gets screw-worm, I will f*** go crazy. But it's okay, folks. There's no need to be concerned that public health will suffer from unqualified

and comprehensible leadership. They've already dealt with the real problem. We cut a billion dollars worth of DEI studies. DEI research has never cured any disease. It's never produced any new drug. Okay. Now, excuse for a moment that what he just said is factually f***ing wrong.

That the broad nature of what they consider DEI would exclude treatments for sick of cell anemia, autism, pregnancy complications, women's cardiovascular health, and many other great advances made by a lot of made by the people you all consider suspect. But for you, Robert Kennedy, Jr., of all people, to have the balls to hop on board the anti-D-EI, only meritocracy train, mother-f-fri-old.

If your name wasn't Kennedy, here's how all your job interviews would go. It says, here you are a heroin addict who eats rope. kill. Do you have any references with you? I mean, I knew Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby

came to my house. I was on Jeffrey. I've seen the shit two times. Welcome aboard. You know, it's insane. This whole thing is insane. It's one thing to fall short in his duty to country. But Trump's meritocracy is even struggling with the one thing Trump was supposed

to be good at, petty revenge. Like the cases he tried to bring against James Comey and New York Attorney General Letitia James. Tonight a federal judge throwing out both criminal cases against two of President Trump's biggest political foes. Judge Cameron Curry finding the prosecutor, Lindsay Halligan, was not an attorney authorized by law to conduct grand jury proceedings. Well, you can't spell meritocracy. Well, I think actually they can't spell it. But forget lawfare. Trump's meritocracy couldn't even do state fair. More hiccups for the great American state fair at the national mall.

struggling to draw a crowd. Penn states or territory did not show up. Hillers that hover above ground. Vinyl-wrapped buildings have crinkled on occasion. The power went out in the food hall at one point and also on the Ferris wheel. Part of the stage fell while dancers were rehearsing. They can't bring their own water. First responders treating people for heat-related illnesses, others huddling under a replica of President Trump's triumphal arch for shade.

Is there a better image that represents the rock? of Trump's meritocracy, then the maga faithful, huddling under a plywood replica of a memorial Trump is going to erect to himself using money that should have gone to the weather services that would have warned these people about the heat wave they were seeking refuge from. Trump, bring me your heat stroked, your bored, your huddled masses, yearning to rehydrate. for this is Trump's America. We were told over and over again that the problem in this country

is that government only exists to the benefit of the entitled DEI-Mooching class. But the reality seems to be that their version of meritocracy only rewards legacy, fealty, and access. Leaving the rest of us

with the real DEI. Diarrhea everywhere indefinite. later. There's no shortcut for saving time, but saving money is simple. Just combine your car and home insurance with Bel Air Direct and save. Get a quote at bellair direct.com. Again was the big World Cup final, and I'd like to congratulate Spain, or Espagna, as we called it, during my themester overseas. It marks the end of a wonderful month of soccer,

co-hosted by the United States, Canada, and Mexico. And in a beautiful moment of unity, Trump watched the game alongside the leader of Canada, ushering in a new era of friendship that will last and last and last. Breaking news, the Trump administration says it is slapping an additional 50% tariff on certain Canadian goods. Oh, motherf-fucking with Canada. I thought we were going to work this out. Okay, now what are we taxing ourselves to punish Canada for? Everything from Canadian wood and paper and furniture to things like hockey sticks. and dairy products. No hockey.

This is I'm going to keep jammed in the corner of the garage for the past 15 years? Now, obviously, it's very frustrating to be back in this trade war again, but if you're worried that this is another case of Trump abusing his power, relax. These tariffs are legal under the Smoot-Hawley Act, which has been around since 1930

when it helped prolong and worsen the Great Depression. So cheer up. Where is this sudden anger with Canada coming from? What's this all about? President Trump is blasting Canada for, quote, willful negligence in its forest management, calling the pollution an unhealthy invasion. Trump went on to threaten Canada with more tariffs due to the wildfire smoke.

You've got to stop these fires from coming in and, you know, poisoning our air. Or you want America to set a precedent for paying for pollution? I feel like your pals that pesticide, microplastic, death diarrhea, lettuce, ink, might have other ideas. I will say the one interesting thing about the wildfires was seeing Trump almost come to a realization. We've got to stop the fires up there. I've never remembered this happening. Over the last four or five years you saw it starting to take place. Go on. You're getting warmly warmer. Oh, he's discovering climate change while standing next to his idling jet. Something is causing this and we have got to get to the bottom of it. Keep the engine running, guys. All of them. I haven't decided which plane I'm.

taking. ...on from Trump's war on Canada to his war on personally losing elections. Look, I know a lot of liberals out there think election fraud isn't a problem, but I assure you it's just as much a threat to the United States as Canada. And that's why last week, Trump gave a prime time address from the White House to offer his solution to fix our elections. Congress must pass the Save America Act. This landmark bill requires that all voters must show photo, voter.

ID. How simple is that? Could I have your photo, please? Photo voter ID. Even he sounds exhausted by his own election bullshit. Hey, hey, once you turn 80, it is harder to maintain an insurrection. It happens to a lot of guys. If you didn't watch this speech, Trump unveiled a

devastating set of documents that conclusively prove the 2020 election was stolen in a deep state conspiracy. I'm just f***ing with you. He released a a bunch of documents that were old news and didn't prove jack shit, and at one point, he even started to glitch. In light of the brand new and irrefutable information

I have revealed tonight, my administration is in the process of notifying the states. Saying you gotta trust the pros off. Now, normally after Trump gives a speech, all his fans at Fox News amplify his message and repeat his lies verbatim. There's just one problem. Trump's talking about election.

election fraud. Remember how this went the last time? Fox agreeing to pay Dominion more than $787 million over the network's unsupported claims that the 2020 presidential election was rigged. Fox does not want to pay another $787 million. They need that money for settling sexual harassment lawsuits. Sean Hannity, you're live after Trump's speech. Let's see you try to cover this story without tripping over $787 million. President Donald J. Trump from the East Room at the White House, he had a lot to say tonight. Now, the president, if you go to whitehouse.gov,

has now releasing what he believes is all the corroboration that you would ever need. What is pretty remarkable, what he says are in these documents. I'm sure that anybody that cares about truth will want to do a deep dive into all of this. Well, what he said was So it was a little...

You know what, let's move on to a bigger story. Why does Mom Dani want to convert Jimothy the raccoon to Islam? So now Maga Republicans are in a tough spot. If Trump's speech didn't move the needle, they need to find another way to rally support for it. They need to come with irrefutable evidence that is necessary. They need to take this seriously.

24 states already require photo ID to be presented prior to voting. Heck, you even need to present a photo ID to utilize the Olive Garden's never-ending pasta pass. Okay, or we could compare our election system to Olive Garden. Sure, let's try that. And by the way, for those of you who don't know, the Olive Garden never-ending pasta pass is a real thing. And of course, you have to show a photo ID to use it. In fact, my first fake ID was actually a never-ending pasta path. I'll never forget freshman year when I got marinara poisoning.

Had to get my stomach pumped. Before you ask, yes, I check the box to be a pasta donor. That way, God forbid, if something happens to me, a guy who needs a new kidney, gets my pasta. But yeah, Virginia Fox is saying Olive Garden has tighter security than the voting booth. And that's such a ridiculous analogy that everyone on the right is using it. an ID to get all you can eat pasta at Olive Garden, you want to go vote? For God's sake, you can't go get pasta at Olive Garden without a picture ID. So you need one for Olive Garden, but not for a stake in our Republic, right?

You have to show up with a photo ID to prove it's actually you to eat their pasta. My goodness. The fact that eating pasta requires an actual ID before voting in this country is pretty ridiculous. And shout out to Olive Garden. Shout out election fraud anymore. You're just ordering lunch. Here's the thing. Olive Garden and elections are completely different things.

Voting is a sacred right that can't be restricted just because Donald Trump wants photo ID. But Olive Garden needs a photo ID for their pasta pass because their mail-in pasta was a total mess. Not falling for that again. But beyond that, your analogy is taking over your argument. You want people to be thinking about election fraud, fraud, not the restaurant where your parents tell you that they're getting a divorce.

When you're here, your family. But when we get home, you have to choose. Please, just stop making this about Olive Garden. Maybe we just need to change the name of the bill till the Olive Garden law. Fuck it, fine. Let's pass the Olive Garden law, followed by the Red Lobster War on Greenland Act and the Chili's Baby Back abortion ban. So that, that is the current state of Trump's war on voting rights. In the span of a week, he went from an urgent primetime address to watching his base obsessed over a Tuscan-themed casual dining chain. It didn't work out for him this time, but the next one might, because at the end of the day, his lies are like spaghetti,

throw it at the wall, and hope it sticks. And I think I speak for all of us when I say shout out to Olive Garden. That sound? It means summer's biggest event is here. The fashion. is unmatched. The crowd's buzzing, the bets are down. This isn't just a race. It's the Kings Plate. Canada's most iconic day at the track, world-class racing, live music, gourmet food and pure, heart-pounding thunder. Saturday, August 15th, Woodbine Racetrack. Tickets start at $35. Don't miss out. Lock yours in today at kingsplate.com. The Kingsplay, rule the day. Must be 18 plus to wager. No one to take the reins. Responsible gambling.org.

Starring Emmy Rossum, Furious follows FBI agent Alice Black on the hunt for a mysterious and calculating serial killer. Both walk their own paths toward justice, and as their lives start to intertwine, the line between right and wrong begins to blur. Don't miss the three-episode premiere of the Hulu original series Furious on July 27th, only on Hulu on Disney Plus. You might remember back in March when President Trump quickly launched his quick war in Iran and conservative media told you how quick it was quickly going to go. We've already knocked out so much of their capability. It looks like this is just a wrap-up mission at this point. I don't see how this thing can continue much longer.

The war may be over right now. I just left the president today. It was a great interview. I said to him, Mr. President, you keep talking about the war like, was, was, was. I said, is it over? he said, it's over. Aw, she was so happy there, dressed like a pimp on Martha's Vineyard.

Kind of like if Catherine Hepburn was in a music video for 3-6 Mafia. Anyway, that was five months ago. So by now, the end must surely be in sight. Tonight, no end in sight in the war against Iran. Mr. President, there are no signs that Iran is ready to stop fighting. So what is the plan?

Is the plan to just keep bombing until they give up? There are no signs? What, do you know something that I don't know? Well, they continue to attack our allies and kill America. You don't know what? You don't know anything? So talks aren't still possible? Do you know something I don't know? My God, this guy's cranky.

Get him to a cabinet meeting so he can take a nap. But yes, it's a little awkward for Trump's media boosters that the war is still going on, and it's especially awkward for Greg Kelly, Newsmax anchor and guy who's definitely been kicked out of an airport Chili's. He's gone all over. He's gone all in for Trump, and he really put his reputation on the line. I guess this is not a bold prediction on my part because the president just said it. But I predict also this time next week, we may be able to declare victory.

I tell you what, I tell you what, though, it's still better than his other prediction. Diary-free summer. That did not go well. But yeah, one weekend, Greg predicted that the war would be over soon. And did he flinch a week later when the war was still going? No, he did not. The war in Iran, which is only 17 days old. And from what I'm hearing, this thing is going to be over probably before the 28th day.

This is contained. There you go. 17 days and over before day 28. Is it over or is it just beginning, maybe a little bit of both? We are right now at 30 days. Gotcha, gotcha, we are now at 30 days. is over and also just beginning. And before you say, wait, those are opposites. May I remind you that every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end? Closing time. But the point is,

chill out, guys. Don't make Greg get sarcastic. Wow, this Iran war has been going on for years, months, no. 52 days. 52 days. Relax. And quite frankly, we're not even shooting anymore. 73 days and the coverage is relentlessly negative. Well, by one count, you could say 81 days. However, a more accurate count would say 41 days when you factor in the ceasefire. Especially if you call it 41 days. You want him to keep going people because he'll keep going.

If you add it all up, four months. Oh, sure. If you add up the days, it seems like a lot of days. What? You don't want to add on the 21 days? since the first four months, too? Four months and 21 days. How's that for a forever war?

Well, it's a start. So basically, Donald Trump is locked in a forever war, has no plan to get out, and has hardly any defenders besides Kirkland's signature Sean Hannity. Is there anything that's going right for him? And I mean anything. The numbers came out yesterday. You know who's number one or tic-tac I am?

Not to mention, also very popular on Facebook. bark and Instigork. Let's see the master at work. As I stand by the Declaration of Independence, which is a great honor, I keep hearing so much about TikTok and all of the influence they have. I'm number one on TikTok. Can you believe it? I'm number one. Look at those numbers. There's your numbers, so I think we have influence too,

and I'm saying stop communism. Who come from? That TikTok was directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Look, I know it doesn't seem like that would be very popular on TikTok, but don't forget, they're going to be very popular on TikTok, but don't forget they They love messy bitches. And it's not just Trump. His whole cabinet is getting on TikTok.

They just dropped a new video promoting it. And this team is stronger, smarter, and savvier in the game of leverage and negotiations. And it's always about America first for Trump. Hype video for a 50-year high school reunion. Oh shit, Doug's coming? I thought that guy was dead. But I don't want to prejudge. Let's check out some of these TikToks.

RFK Jr., you never do anything weird. Let's see what you got. Went back in time to stop Sarah Connor from getting vaccinated. How does he have those laser eyes? Is that how he hunts roadkill? Behind Jimothy. You guys are having so much fun making TikToks.

But remind me, how's your actual job going? U.S. measles cases just hit a 35-year record high. And more people are being sickened by that parasitic infection that triggered a major lettuce recall. The CDC has now confirmed more than 4,100 cases of cyclosporiasis, making 2026 the worst year for the parasitic infection on record. You've got laser eyes and the rest of us have measles and poop lettuce. Thanks for giving us content to watch while we're sitting on the toilet, shitting our guts out from a parasite that you're not doing anything to stop.

Listen, we are going through real problems and you guys are making TikToks. You're so cavalier about all of this. All you care about is your image and your power. But guess what? These are American issues, and it's only a matter of time before these American issues affect you too. Actually, can you play that video again and just turn up the audio? That is the trenchant satire you've come to expect from 30 years of the Daily Show. Car shopping this civic holiday weekend, most car dealerships are closed and all you'll find are crickets.

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It's farm to Frosty. Get a small 99 cent Frosty until August 2nd. And participating Wendy's Texas Extra. President Trump was down in Georgia yesterday, where he campaigned for Republican Mike Collins. And the GOP desperately needs Trump to give Collins a boost if they have any chance of keeping the Senate. So, of course, Trump talked about himself. When I inherited this thing on January 20th, I walk into office. I have a press conference first or second day.

And they're screaming at me, what are you going to know about high prices? Right? What are you going to do? I said, I just got here. What are we talking about? Tell me. Eggs, eggs have gone up four times. Four times. I said, I just got here. Give me a break. Give me a break. I didn't expect to jump into work right away. I just ran to stay out of prison. What do you mean you just got here? You already had the job for four years. You probably still had old pens in the desk. The guy's acting like he was expecting an onboarding. This is Joe B. You're going to spend the day shadowing him.

Look, I do get it. He just wanted to spend his first day settling in, putting his stuff down, pardoning January 6ers. But the Democrats were just throwing all these new words at him. And they said they used the word. First time I heard it, it was a word, you know, made up by the Democrats.

Affordability. They said, affordability. Affordability. Why is the word you're best at saying the one you're worst at doing? And by the way, Democrats didn't invent the word affordability. Costco did.

If you're going to buy a container of mustard, shouldn't you be able to bathe in it? By the way, after 10 years of Trump rallies, you can kind of tell he's not moving crowds like he used to. The people there were yawning. They were boring. They were bored, not even looking at him.

This one kid was just on his phone half the time. Stop playing Roblox. The president is talking about affordability. Come on, Donald, you got to win this crowd back. You were so great at nicknames. Why don't you just announce a new cool policy with a snappy nickname, like old times? We'll pass the great health care plan.

It's called Our Great Healthcare Plan. That's the name of it. Wow, thanks for putting in all that thought. Such a lazy name. That's like making a daily show and calling it The Daily Show. But look, the president wasn't just there to lie about health care. He was there to warn us about a terrible danger. The radical left is actively trying to destroy our children's future with the disaster known as Communism.

Production. Don't tell me it's communism. Communism is the single greatest threat to our country and its history, including even In World War I and World War II, Pearl Harbor, 9-11, I think it's the greatest threat that I've ever seen to our country. That's right. That's right. Communism is the greatest threat to our country, even more than the looming threat of World War I.

That is what the president believes, although I think someone else might just agree with him. The threat that we have, the biggest threat, is nuclear war. I think that the border is the biggest threat to this country. Our biggest threat remains the sick, sinister, and evil people from within our country. The weaponization of law enforcement is the greatest threat. Our biggest threat to democracy is stupid people. Right with that last one.

But let's move on from Donald Trump to his son Don Jr., a New York 5, but a solid Trump 8. Because while the rest of us are suffering, he wants us to know he's doing great. CNN investigation has found that an investment firm where Donald Trump, Trump Jr. is a partner has skyrocketed during his father's presidency. Trump Jr. announced he joined that firm 1789 Capitol days after his father's re-election in 2024. Since that time, assets the firm manages have more than tripled. What? Lucky. How did he manage to triple his firm's assets in the two years his dad's been in office? He must be so good at business and only that.

Businesses the firm invested in have been awarded more than $1.6 billion. from federal contracts and grants. Unbelievable. What a flagrant abuse of power and access. This just screams corruption and greed. His dad must be so proud. This looks so bad. And Don Jr. isn't rushing to set the record straight,

but there is something else he'd like to clear up. You know, according to Twitter, I'm the biggest co-cade in the world. Shockingly, there's never been a photo or a video or anyone with any credibility. actually saying that they've seen me do this, so I don't. If I look tired this week, it's actually because I had foot surgery a couple days ago. Buddy, the rumor that you do cocaine is the coolest thing about you.

You want to keep that going, or we're going to have to start talking about what you look like without a beard. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Heaven's alive! You look really terrible, big devil. Tell me about little devil. It's hotter than heck down here and I burnt out. Here, try a red bull. It's devilishly good.

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