The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Jon Stewart on Trump's Xi Summit & Jordan Klepper on Hegseth's Anti-Weirdo Crusade

Episode Date: October 3, 2026

Catch up on the latest headlines with The Daily Show News Team. Jon Stewart comments on President Xi's trip to the U.S. and MAGA's outrage over Trump wooing the Chinese president, and Jon questions whether MAGA's loyalty has finally reached its limit. Jordan Klepper covers the conservative outrage over Sarah Huckabee Sanders's ad portraying a white man on welfare, as well as Trump's summit with tech bro CEOs, where they signed a "self-policing" pact for AI.  Plus, Klepper weighs in on Trump kicking off Hispanic Heritage Month with a brand-new racial stereotype, and Pete Hegseth's crusade to rid the U.S. military of "beardos, weirdos, wimps, and radicals." -- To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/dailyshow -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Donald Trump picked up a young man by the name of Xi Jinping, Chinese president, at the airport for a pivotal three-day visit to Washington. Now, as with any monumental meeting of superpowers, with profound repercussions for global safety and stability, it began with house tour. Have you seen my pictures? Do you guys have pictures? Have you guys seen our outdoor carpet? Do you guys have outdoor carpet? Have you seen our sky? Do you have a sky?

It's what? Oh, do you see that lady with the face? Yeah. Do you think she's pretty? Oh, good, yeah. She's fired pretty. What a genuine thumbs up. It's the thumbs up you give when your friends show you their kids' artwork. Madison made that all out of macaroni. In fact, Trump spent most of Xi's White House visit just pointing at shit,

while Xi did his best effort to pretend to be impressed. Although, I'm sure they talked about issues of national importance. He likes granite. He's an expert on stone, aside from many other things. And he loves good granite. Does he? Does he love good granite?

Is that his, I love good granite face? Because it looks like his, I'd rather be standing in front of a tank in a square face. Yeah, look it up. Like, President Trump, I'm sure you're proud of your new circular granite. helicopter parking spot. But just so you know, this is Shenzhen, China.

They've got a fully autonomous magnetic levitation train. Pretty sure he's not blown away by carved rock in shape of circle. Wait, you know, China did used to work in rock about 3,000 years ago. I'm pretty sure Xi Jinping is

not like, this used to be grass, and now it Brock, we have so much to learn from your people. But listen. Yeah. Curie wants to be a good host. As long as Trump understands the seriousness of the competition between our two nations and is diligent in not undermining America's national security.

I mean, national security is the whole reason we're paying $600 million for this f***ed ballroom, right? So you'll keep that behind the curtain, yeah? As a special treat in honor of President Xi and Madam Pung, I'd love to like to invite everyone in the room to visit through that beautiful curtain in the back, the new ballroom that you've heard about. You'll be the first people to step foot on that. Maybe Trump's just trying to sell Xi Jinping on renting the ballroom out for his next big function. I don't know.

Jewish. Surprising. Xi Jinping. Yeah. Who'd have thought? Probably changed his name. Anyway, surprising how lighthearted their interactions seemed to be given recent developments. sent 1,300 shipments of drone and missile parts to Iran from the start of the year through the end of June. China has been sending weapons to Iran. Did China supplying Iran with weapons come up at all? The U.S. ambassador to China claims President Trump

offered to sell American weapons to China. It only came up as an opportunity? I got to say, that sounds like bullshit. Unless I hear this from the actual mouth of the U.S. ambassador, to China, I do not believe it. President Trump continues to say, hey, we sell arms to other people around the world. He actually asked President C, would he like to buy some at one point?

What the FD of? America even stay on the map sometimes. I don't even, how do we not just slide into the sea? All right. I had to have misheard that. I got to hear from the president himself. I won't believe it. Did Trump really offer to sell weapons to China?

Is that accurate? Do you make such a suggestion? To China? To China? To China. You mean to Taiwan? No, to China. That's what he said. I never heard of that one.

I've got to have to ask him. You mean wigger itself? No, they'd probably like to buy it because we do make better equipment than that. So maybe it's a good idea. He totally fucking offered them weapons. Oh, my God. You can almost see Trump trying to do the math in his head. Well, if Iran beats us with weapons that we make, it's kind of like we won the war.

Question. I seem to remember the Republican Party used to frown on the idea of selling weapons to communist enemies who are supplying said weapons to other enemies we are currently at war with. Does anybody on that side have an opinion on this summit? President Trump with a lavish welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping. Some Republicans now sounding the alarm.

Getting some pushback from members of his own party. Not happy with the president's extravagant welcome. Frustrated that he's rolling out the red carpet. Want Trump to drop the velvet glove and use the iron fist. A number of Republicans outraged with Trump's embrace of she. Senator Roger Wicker, the great state of Mississippi, went down to the floor of the United States Senate to tell President Trump from his whole chest how he feels about this debacle. Quite frankly, had the White House asked me for advice, I would have suggested the president not invite Xi Jinping to Washington. Oh, someone who runs a small town southern funeral. He himself recently died in.

But you know Trump? He's got nine lives. They're going to have to follow up that fiery rhetoric. Trump's a populist. He speaks the language of the people. He's not going to listen to the outrage unless it comes from someone like Senator John Kennedy, who's a simple, lazy and a farm boy, who was raised by a butter churn and two crawfish, before, of course, attending Oxford law.

He knows what these dang Chinese are like. President Xi is one of the best liars I've ever seen. I mean, he learned a lie before he learned to talk. With China, if you turn the other cheek, they just stabbed you in the neck. I mean, with China, you can reach out a hand in friendship, but they'll just f*** your cousin. Old Senator Kennedy looks more bopping a cold chicken in a war. It doesn't bother me. Well, he's not bothered either.

Nothing? No cutesy. You know what's sad? The only Republican. with balls to say what a bad idea this summit is, is Donald Trump. We have the president of China come a few months ago to Washington, and we give them a state dinner. Now, when people are screwing you, you don't give them state dinners. I would not be throwing them a dinner. I'll be throwing him a bit afterwards. There'll be food and people dressed up, and we're going to talk about granite. I found that amusing as well. Of course. It is not. It is not a

not the first time. The media has tried to make a meal of Republicans' dissatisfaction with Donald Trump. Republican revolt. Republicans are starting to hit the panic button. The president's approval rating is at an all-time low. Breaking ranks. Republicans distance themselves from President Trump. Top Republicans break with President Trump just weeks before the midterms. Openly breaking with the president over the war in Iran. Openly? Well, I guess if Trump wasn't weak, I mean, would any Republican have the balls to come out against the Iran war, like Senator Houston of Ohio? Senator John Husted up for re-election in Ohio told Politico tonight, quote,

The war needs to come to an end as quickly as possible so that we can lower gas prices. There you go. He is taking a stand. Now, obviously, many would prefer that an anti-war position would come in the form of a moral judgment about the shedding of innocent blood and the folly of man's desire for conquest and not necessarily. $5.54 for regular. What the... But we take it here as we can get it. So long as Senator Houston of Ohio

backs up his stirring rhetoric with a yes vote to end this reckless war of choice. I take you now to the floor of the United States Senate. Mr. Houston, Mr. Houston, no. You know, courage can take many forms. Although that does not appear to be one of the forms that it takes. But the point is... The point is Houston's up for re-election.

His constituent is, hate this war and chances are most of them don't get C-SPAN. Now, why in God's name would we continue to fall for this? Why are we constantly believing that there are cracks in the MAGA fortress? We do because that's what we are told over and over again. Is MAGA cracking? New cracks emerge in the president's armor. A crack in the Republican Party's blind loyalty.

The first big crack in the wall. His party is turning on him. His base is fracturing. The dam is starting to break. It'll be a flood. It's going to be a flood, right? A break in the dam, in the Trump dam, that it doesn't mean that you're going to get a flood, but it means you at least have a leak.

But you told us the dam, the armor, the cracks, the flood. And now it's, is the MAGA coalition finally showing a small wet spot on the front of its pants? And the media's been doing this to us for fun. F-Eckin ever. If it's not China and Iran, it was the Epstein files. The Trump presidency, as we have known it, is over. It is not. Cracks are emerging among Republicans over the government shutdown. Cracks in the Republican wall are starting to show us.

Exposing some cracks within the GOP. Starting to see some cracks emerge. Trump fever breaks, and it's in the process of breaking right now. That Trump fever seems to be breaking. I get the sense there might be a damn breaking. This is a very tough. damn. And we can keep going back even further, like when candidate Trump attacked John McCain's military service in 2015. I do think it's the beginning of the end of the marriage between Donald

Trump and the Republican Party. It's not the end of the marriage between Trump and the Republican Party. It's the beginning of the Republican Party's current BDSM understanding of master and gimp. That's not Photoshopped, by the way. That is a real L. That is a real elephant. You know what's weird about that? Can't remember its safe word. A different memory joke. All right.

The media refuses to recognize that even Republicans with nothing left to lose will still shrivel at the moment of truth. Like confirming an attorney general who also happened to be the president's personal law lackey. Todd Blanche's nomination for Attorney General is indeed in deep trouble. The so-called Wounded Bear Caucus of Senator Tillis,

Cassidy, Cornyn. They're not going to be coming back for another term in 2027, so they really have nothing to lose. An army of Republicans with no more, you know, F's to give. It's President Trump versus the Yolo Caucus. Trump Cornyn, Tom Tillis, and Bill Cassidy all voted for the president's former personal attorney, despite having concerns he was too close to the White House. Oh, it's the Yolo Caucus, bitch. Information votes and show some spine, and we are all out of spine.

And by the way, no one plays the, I'm actually quite concerned and upset about this thing I am actually going to vote for, better than the poster child for troubled acquiescence. The five-foot-eight-inch sophomore from the great state of Maine, Susan Collins, who is the avatar for wanting to do something about the policies her votes have enabled whenever, of course, she happens to be up for re-election. Take Ice. Back in July, Ice shot an unarmed man in Biddeford, Maine. It would be wise for DHS to have a halt in non-urgent traffic stops until we get this straightened out. Straightened out. Straightened out. Ice didn't try and return a sweater without a receipt. They shot a guy. I'm telling Ice the same thing I could. I told L.L. Bean, I was here last week. But yes, it would be wise to rain in ice, Susan Collins, perhaps by tying their funding to important reforms. Senator Susan Collins, earlier this year,

voted for $70 billion in ICE funding with no reforms. Trump's Office of Management and Budget, which has come up with the novel theory that it can just refuse to spend money Congress has passed into law. Well, you can guess who's pretty upset about that. Senator Susan Collins saying any effort to rescind appropriated funds without congressional approval is a clear violation of the law? Yes, it's a clear violation of the law that is known as the Impoundment Control Act. And ignoring that law is a strategy masterminded by Office of Management and Budget Chief Russell Vaught, who Susan Collins voted to confirm. But how could she have known that Vaught would try and pull something like this?

The president ran on the notion that the Impoundment Control Act is unconstitutional. I agree with that. Troubling. But what about abortion? I would not support a nominee who demonstrated hostility to Roe v. And to her credit, she only voted for four of them. Like so many enlightened manors, Susan Collins is also worried about the effects of the anti-vaccine sentiment on our health as a nation. I am really worried that we're going to see outbreaks of measles. Totally preventable outbreaks of measles. Yes, totally preventable, specifically by Susan Collins.

Collins has voted to confirm RFK Jr. as head of the Department of Health and Human Services. Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown metaphor. I can't figure out if Susan Collins, is Lucy or Charlie Brown. She is either Lucy, cynically pretending to be concerned about the obvious downstream effects of her votes despite repeatedly voting that way, or she is criminally naive about the inevitable betrayal.

Oh, I think this time the justices will actually... No! In fact, the only thing you can be sure of with Susan Collins is if you try and hold her accountable for these contradictions, she's gone. Do you think you should release? He's got. You regret your vote on Kavanaugh?

I really don't have anything to add at this, at this point. I don't know enough to make a judgment at this point. I have not reviewed the MOU yet. You haven't reviewed the MOU yet? Do you think this is a good deal for the United States? So I have not yet had a chance to review the MRO. There is not a conveyance yet invented. car, escalator, elevator, door that can hold the Houdini-esque Susan Collins.

She is the master of all egress, except obviously the elevator. The elevator is tough. It's complicated. The buttons, which symbol is which is greater than the one that closes it or less than? Nobody knows. And by the way, if Susan Collins was actually a principled lawmaker, she would no longer be Senator Susan Collins. If I'm elected, I will only serve two terms. 12 years is long enough to be in public service, make a contribution, and then come home and let someone else take your place. Oh, that seems interesting. Let me hold on one second here. Very quickly. Okay. She made that statement in 1996, and a Senate term is six years. So two terms is 12 years. So that puts us from 1996 to, hold on, 2008. Now let me carry that this gig is awesome.

Okay, hold on a second. And now it's 12. 2016. Susan Collins made a two-term promise five terms ago. But it's fine. I'm sure she'll continue to have very serious concerns about term limits when she's running for her 18th term as head in jar. Let's stop pretending that the overwhelming majority of Republican politicians will ever stand up or break from Donald Trump,

will ever remove the ball gag that is in place from grabbing by the pussy avenue to insurrection road to no more wars except this one boulevard. They're in the fucking car. And the news media would be doing everyone a favor if you didn't try and play up every empty gesture of independence

from Republican lawmakers. It's cruel. You're getting our hopes up, Lucy. That's for you. Susan Collins, I'd like to hear an explanation as to why you shouldn't pay an electoral price for enabling all the terrible consequences that the people of Maine are facing as a result of your Senate votes. Frankly, I just think it's too early to make that kind of position.

But I am getting prepared. Where's you going? Son of a bitch. In Toronto, every arrival. is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision, to make every drive extraordinary.

Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Biggs off with Donald Trump, 40-time winner of the ongoing war with Iran. Now, today he launched a new website called America.gov, which uses AI to answer questions you have about the government. Questions like, why is Massachusetts so hard to spell? Or why no bulge on Lincoln Memorial?

How to solve crime, question mark. This not Cash Patel, BT-dubs. But Trump didn't just launch an exciting new website, He also brought in his most exciting cabinet member, Marco Rubio, to make his own exciting announcement. Starting next year, Americans will be able to apply for their first passport entirely online. Doing this like an Apple product launch.

And one more thing. This passport folds to the size of a passport. But hey, you know what? But hey, you know what? When I'm wrong, I admit it. The administration is really delivering on all its promises. I mean, you remember the chance. Thank you very much. Wow.

Promises made promises kept. But Marco had more surprises in store, because once you get that passport, it's going to look a little different. The words, the United States of America are now exactly where they belong. First, right on top. The eagle carries you across 250 years of America. you see it sore

watch the eagle as you flip through the pages it flies I think that's pretty good oh holy shit it's going to totally blow the minds of kids in 1928 who haven't seen

steamboat Willie wow moving pictures read all about it but while Trump is basking in the rollout of America's high-tech website and 19th century tech passports he's embroiled in yet another ethical

controversy. The Trump administration is facing some controversy after a new White House ad campaign aired on CBS and other channels. The TV spots say paid for by the U.S. government. Critics say they look like campaign ads for the president. Wow. Okay, now that is messed up. The government shouldn't be spending taxpayer dollars on campaign ads for President Trump. It should be spending that money on figuring out how to put water in the reflecting pool. Keep at it, boys. We are close to cracking it. We are. You know what? Okay, the money has been spent. Let's see what our sweet, sweets tax dollars are paying for. This is the final battle. With you at my side, we will demolish the deep state. We will expel the war mongers from our government. We will drive out the globalists.

We will cast out the communist, Marxist, and fascists. We will throw off the sick political class that hates our country. Weird. I have the exact same inner monologue. I have the exact same inner monologue when I'm walking to the office bathroom. Very strange. And aside from the legality of it, this ad is making some questionable artistic choices. Look, if you want to film an ad where it looks like Trump fired everyone

from the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel, fine. Why does it start with a six-second close-up of a storage closet? I mean, is that supposed to be a metaphor for where they're going to lock up the deep state, or is that like, is that the closet Stephen Miller sleeps in during the day? Or is it just where they're storing the footage they shot that doesn't have a fucking storage closet in it?

The point is, spending taxpayer money on a campaign ad is clearly indefensible. So, let's see how the White House defensible's it. But the administration rejects such a criticism. A White House release declaring, the announcements are very clearly not campaign ads. President Trump is not on the ballot, and there is no call to action. Right, right. It can't be a campaign ad because Trump is not even on the ballot.

It's just, I feel like I heard someone say something different. So I'm asking you to pretend that I'm on the ballot. I'm on the ballot. I'm on the ballot. He didn't just say it. He said it three times in a row. He's trying to Beetlejuice himself onto the ballot. But there is one other thing that makes me think. this is a campaign ad, which is that this is literally a campaign ad they ran two years ago. It's the exact same footage.

And you'd think even just to cover their ass, they would film a new ad unless they thought about it and we're like, you know, we can't do a new ad. That shot of the storage closet is just too fucking good, you know? We're never going to top it.

I mean, if you didn't, if you didn't want to film a whole new ad. Maybe there's a line you could think about cutting. We will expel the warmongers from our government. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. That war mongers line

hits different in 2026, doesn't it? Major O.J. Simpson looking for the real killer vibes on that one. But let's move on to another TV commercial that's stirring up a controversy. This one is definitely a campaign ad, and it comes from the great state of

It comes from the okay state of Arkansas. Sarah Huckabee Sanders releases an ad attacking welfare, and MAGA pundits are mad. Me and Brad has turned relaxing into a full-time profession. But you, you actually work hard. You pay taxes to cover welfare for guys like Brad who just choose not to work. No, no, hold out here.

Are we sure we want this guy in the work? force? I don't want Dr. Brad leaving cheeseballs inside me after surgery, okay? Why are Maga pundits mad about this anti-welfare ad? Can we, can we see the rest of it? That's why I launched a welfare-to-work requirement. Almost there. Now, more Arkansasans are working than ever before. Even Brad. Okay, okay, so the message is welfare cheat should get a job. Now, Now, I really don't see what conservatives are upset about.

Daily Wire writer Matt Walsh saying Republicans don't have the balls to do this ad with, quote, Shaniqua as the villain. Okay, you know what, I think I'm beginning to see it here, but go ahead. Say more. Another commentator accused Tuckabee Sanders of having, quote, the audacity to dishonestly mock young white men as welfare queens. And one more says that the ad, quote, villainizes a white man. know exactly what a stereotypical welfare recipient looks like. Yes. Exactly.

Stereotypically speaking, you shouldn't show a white man on welfare. You should show a white man who's a school shooter, okay? Do you guys have any more constructive suggestions? Well, what they should have done is they should have had, you know, Brad next to, you know, I don't know, Laquisha or something. And then just, you know, put in some other characters. then, so like, your equal opportunity offenders. Okay, well,

first of all, Brad's living at his parents' basement. You think he can pull a babe like Laquisha, Dream-On? And also, make the cast more diverse. It's such a weird argument for this group. There should be a non-binary person in a wheelchair represented there as well. Conservatives are going to angry brainstorm themselves into making Hamilton, too.

But obviously, these guys were looking to improve anything. They were already on their way to the pity party. It's not a great time to be a strapping young white dude in America. The white man has been systematically discriminated against, locked out of jobs. The only group in America that there's no taboo to attack whatsoever is white men. It is tone deaf. It is disgraceful. This should be taken down.

There should be an apology to the young white men. in this country. To all the white men who saw a clip of a guy in his basement contributing nothing to society and you said hey, stop making fun of me. I'm very sorry. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement

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not your business. Workday is the enterprise AI platform for HR, finance, and IT, with AI grounded in your context to get work done and done right. It's a new work day. After after weeks of alarming headlines about artificial intelligence, Trump hosted all the major tech CEOs at the White House.

It was like the Last Supper, if everyone there believed they were the son of God. I, for one, am glad they had this summit because I assume it means we'll finally be getting federal guardrails on AI. There will be no federal guardrails on AI. President Trump declaring AI leaders should police themselves. What? Want them to police themselves?

Zuckerberg can't even police my aunt from commenting on all of my pictures. This is not a text message, Aunt Diane. You're on my Instagram page. Everyone can see this. So, if there aren't going to be actual regulations, what did they come up with instead? Instead, several companies have signed a voluntary joint agreement. Suggesting industry leaders should implement internal measures to monitor and check their own AI models. Is it binding in any way?

I think it's morally binding. Oh, finding. Sure. We don't need laws. I'm sure we could trust these guys, you know? Well, no, no, not him. Okay, not him either, but, well, I don't really know who this guy is. So, let's entrust him with the future of humanity. I'm sure he's not a monster.

This guy is a monster and nobody does. Damn. I'm not saying that this says. self-policing document they signed is bullshit that they barely bothered to read, but I will say they did misspell United States. It doesn't matter because Trump has a greater concern about his new technology. The president signing an executive order mandating federal agencies rebrand AI as SI. It's been officially changed to superintelligence or SI. Who should be held accountable when the AI agents committed a crime?

It's not AI. It's S.I. That's the other thing. We've changed the name officially today. We've changed the name Steve officially to S-I. Okay? S-I. Like, sigh. Indeed, sir, sigh, indeed. Also, just a reminder. The question was, who should be held accountable when AI commits a crime? And Trump's response says, uh-uh, uh-uh. It's SI that shut off your town's water. Essie! I mean, I know Trump loves renaming things, but these are some of the richest,

most powerful people in the world. They're not going to change the name of their entire industry just because he told them to. That would be too humiliating. As you know, we want to advance AI, advance SI. I'm going to get good at this. We are bringing those well-known best practices

to the development of super-indulatory. Well, I think it is worth highlighting the positive benefits of AI, which will... Or SI on me. Thank you. You know what? Let's move on. Because while Trump was doing his best to screw up the future, the rest of his party was endlessly litigating the past. Yesterday, Senate Republicans hauled in Jack Smith, the special prosecutor who investigated

Donald Trump for trying to overthrow the election. And they made their feelings about him pretty clear. The American people were disgusted. at your willingness to abuse power in partisan ends. Javert from Le Miz would look at you with astonishment. What a disgrace to our justice system. You will go down as a total dirt bag. You make me want to throw up in my mouth.

He makes you want to throw up in your mouth? Like it's an act of choice you're making? Let them want to switch it around a little bit, show on the chunks. We call that Louisiana Listerine. This hearing was another over-the-top performance by Republican senators to show their fieldy to President Trump by going after one of his enemies, who had the gall to prosecute him just because he committed crimes, which in today's Congress is just another Tuesday.

But what made yesterday special was when Missouri Senator Eric Schmidt didn't just come with harsh insults. He had prepared a trap for Jack Smith. He was going to prove that Smith had colluded with another Trump hating prosecutor when they were both together in Atlanta, Georgia. And Eric Schmidt brought the receipts. Republican Senator Eric Smith claiming to have text messages proving Smith attended a Hawks basketball game in Atlanta in 2024.

During the time Georgia prosecutor Fannie Willis was investigating Trump. Aha. Classic perjury trap. You get Jack Smith to say he wasn't in Atlanta. Then you reveal text messages proving he was at an Atlanta Hawks game. It's a perfect plan. Assuming it was the Atlanta Hawks, you're sure it was an Atlanta Hawks game, right? But it turns out that text messages obtained by Schmidt were not about the Atlanta Hawks NBA game,

and Smith was not in Atlanta. He was in Maryland at an Iowa Hawk Eyes college game. He confused Atlanta Hawks with the Iowa Hawk Eyes. That's like mixing up NASA and NASCAR. Hart Jr., were you or were you not on the moon in July 1969? Yes or no? So basically, the senator tried to spring a perjury trap on Jack Smith with evidence that proves that Jack Smith was right.

And guys, just watch how excited he was to spring this trap. Did you go to an NBA game between the Golden State Warriors and Atlanta Hawks on February 3rd, 2024? I'm sorry, could you say that again? Do you go to an NBA game between the Golden State Warriors and the Atlanta Hawks on February 3rd, 24? What city would that be in? Atlanta. No. Okay.

Look at that smirk, you know? He's got that Chris Hanson swagger. You see how this looks, don't you? He probably told his wife, make sure to watch me on TV today, honey. In fact, you know, we keep the kids home from school so they can tune in to C-SPAN. They're going to see Daddy's Not the loser they think he is. And obviously, Jack Smith was like, I have no idea what you're talking about. To which Schmidt replied, but what if you did have an idea of what I was talking about?

Boom! What would you say if I had a series of text messages from your team that said you were in Atlanta at a Warrior Hawks game on February 3rd, 2024, the day after Willison Wade announced their affair? We need a copy of the actual text. Oh, God, they memorialized their mistake on a giant poster board. You know, the guy at Staples was probably like, you know what, I know it's not my place, but you guys double-checked all this info, right? This is a big swing. It's a big swing.

Look how happy Schmidt is. And look at Kennedy over here. They're so excited they want to throw up in each other's mouth. I mean, you hate to see their bubble get popped. Let's see their bubble get popped. I recall going to a University of Maryland basketball game, where Caitlin Clark was playing right around that time. It was Maryland playing Iowa, I think, February of 2024.

Could it then be that University of Iowa's the Hawkeyes? Could that be it? Could that be it, Eric? Explain that in poster form, Eric. I don't want to say you're embarrassing your Republican colleague, Senator Schmidt, but look at Senator Katie Britt's face while your case falls apart.

I recall going to a university, of Maryland basketball game where Caitlin Clark was playing right around that time and the Marshal Service was there with me. You could check if that was the exact date. It was Maryland playing Iowa.

...formed Katie Bread into Mitch McConnell. Eric Schmidt thought he was Tom Hanks and the Da Vinci Code when in reality he's Tom Hanks and Forrest Gump. Shame on you, Eric Schmidt. It's so ironic you neglecting women's basketball and now Amy Klovencho gets to dunk on you.

That might be the confusion over the names of the team, but perhaps you should have looked at it more carefully. Who's questioning is this, by the way, Mr. Chairman? Are you using your time, Senator? Is this what this is? Are we just having, like, an open session here? I will begin my questions. I just, I'm just shocked that.

When you are calling a witness a dirt bag. I presented him with text messages about him wanting to meet with people that could have obviously been related to the prosecution that was coordinated with his office in Atlanta. Look how red he's getting. Where this worked, okay? Obviously, Senator Schmidt spent the rest of the day

running away from the news media. But because this is 2026, he could always go to the right-wing media where everyone can pretend he did a great job. Dang. So you had text messages from his team confirming that he was going to a hawks game and he sat there acting dumbfounded

and completely clueless. Senator Schmidt, you did a great job. So got to give you some flowers here, sir. Jesus Christ. It's like telling the Captain the Titanic, great job, b-hap that iceberg, bro. So the most depressing thing about what happened yesterday is that two things happened yesterday.

In one reality, the Republicans are so desperate to punish Trump's enemies that they embarrass themselves in front of the world. Well, in the other reality, a heroic senator proved that Trump's prosecutors are evil liars. If we're going to be this willing to live in such separate realities, then you know what? I don't know, guys.

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So, yesterday Trump held an event at the White House to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month, which he definitely did because he loves them so much and not because he's losing their support right before the midterms. Either way, Trump had a special honor. He was ready to bestow upon his. his amigos.

We're going to do something a little special. We're going to open those doors and you'll be the first people of consequence to ever step on the new ballroom floor. Wow! They get to tour the unfinished half-built ballroom site! Don't fall for it, guys. He's obviously trying to trick you into finishing the construction. Lunch breaks from 1.30.

from 130 to 140, guys. But look, this was a room full of Trump supporters, so I'm sure they were psyched to see the ballroom, and there's nothing Trump could do to dampen that excitement, even though he tried his best. You literally will be the first group ever to enter the premises. So be very careful. Don't fall over the edge, because it's a long way down.

And only a Hispanic could survive that fall. I'm sorry, what? Is that a racial stereotype I'm not aware of? That Hispanics are good at surviving long falls? Although, you know, for a man who started out labeling Hispanics as murderers and rapists, to end up at bouncy, that's progress, okay? But let's move on, because terrible poll numbers with Hispanics isn't the only thing dragging Trump down. He also has terrible poll numbers.

with people who don't like losing wars. The good news for Trump is that he has Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, and guy who takes paintball way too seriously. And yesterday, Hegseth got up in front of the official flag of not compensating for anything to lay out his plan to take our military to the next level. We are no longer the woke department or the weak department. Simple translation of that.

No fatties, no trannies, no beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals. Whoa. Worst Dr. Seuss book ever. This kind of rhetoric is unacceptable from our defense secretary. Every American, no matter who they are or what they look like, should have the chance to fight a Middle Eastern country for no clear reason. That's the American way! That's a mention it probably would help if our military had at least to Just a few beardos and weirdos, right?

And what if Iran challenges us to Dungeons and Dragons? We need at least one druid in the party. Hazzah! But Hankseth really believes we need a more macho, aggressive military because, as he's told us before, our enemies in Iran are uniquely evil. Obviously, we're fighting religious fanatics. Of course.

Of course. We are in a fight against religious fanaticism. And how are we going to defeat these religious fanatics? Our department is, you might say, putting on the full armor of God of the sixth chapter of the book of Isaiah. Lord, here I am. Send me. As the psalmist put it, the Lord is on my side. As Psalm 3312 extols us.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, we know Psalm 3312, no fatties, no trannies, no beardos, no weirdos. Amen, we know. We've all read the vibe. We get it. But Pete Hanksett didn't get up in front of an enormous flag and pace around like he was. was coming down from a cocaine bender just to talk about how he wanted his soldiers to be hotter and more religious. He also was launching a new high-tech initiative for the next generation. I'm announcing Project Meridian, an effort led by America's best minds to study the future of warfare.

Okay, that's certainly not the worst idea he's ever had. I mean, for one thing, it's the first idea that doesn't have slurs in it. So, we're already ahead of the curve. As long as these best minds studying the future of war really are the best minds America has. I mean, they are the best minds, right? Project Meridian will be co-led by three of our nation's best minds. Elon Musk, Homer Lucky, and Newt Gingrich. The list of America's top minds includes

Newt Fri-Gingrich. He's not even America's top minds. Newt! What future war is Newt Gingrich going to help us with? We better hope it involves preventing Bill Clinton from acquire nuclear BJs. Okay, so that's one-third of our brain trust, and Elon Musk, we already know, excellent choice. But who's this Palmer Lucky? Palmer Lucky isn't your typical defense industry executive. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, stop.

What happened, 3312? He must have been like, oh, this? Oh, that's not a beard. My pubes just escaped out of the top of my shirts, you know? Seriously, who is this guy? His daily uniform, flip-flops in a Hawaiian shirt, is more suited for Margaritaville than the military. I've always said that we need to transition from being the world police

to being the world gun store. Wow. I'm sorry, this human vape pen is a military consultant. I didn't expect to see this guy working with the military. I expect to see him as the youngest person at a Jimmy Buffett concert or the oldest person at a Wiggles concert. Now, if you're wondering, how did GameStop Gaddafi even get his start? Well, he actually invented the Oculus VR headset when he was only 19.

And that's him. This guy invented VR goggles when he was only a teenager, despite being totally busy with like tons of parties he was invited to. So frankly, I don't have much faith in this smash-mouth cover band bringing the military into the future. But here's how bad things have gotten. I'm looking at these three, and I'm thinking, thank God Elon Musk is there to be the adult in the way.

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