The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's News | Josh on Kash Patel's Bestiality Stance & Kosta on Another Oil Strait Closure

Episode Date: September 19, 2026

Catch up on the latest headlines with The Daily Show News Team. Josh Johnson covers Mitch McConnell's rickety return to the Senate, Trump's dismissive reaction to the looming threat of AI, Pete Hegseth's hunt for hot troops to use as a backdrop for his speech, and FBI Director Kash Patel's softened stance on bestiality. Plus, Michael Kosta dives into Mayor Mamdani's cutting-edge toilets in NYC and the Iran War's closure of a second oil strait. -- The Daily Show airs weeknights at 11/10c on Comedy Central. Stream full episodes on Paramount+ Follow TDS: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Spotify advertising. You're among fans. You're listening to Comedy Central. Let's start with Congress, the only branch of government that ages in dog years. For a while now, there's been growing concern about how old some members are, but it really peaked this summer when Senator Mitch McConnell got sick and disappeared with no explanation. The rumors spun out of control from him secretly being dead to people saying the photo that was posted of him in the hospital was photoshopped.

It looked fine to me. He looks great. But yesterday was Congress's first day back in session, so it was time for McConnell to show up, lock in, and show everyone he's feeling A-okay. Let's go. Senator McConnell, how are you feeling, Senator McConnell? How are you feeling, Mitch?

You feeling all right, Mitch? Uh-oh, okay. I see that he's giving a thumbs up, but that's not the thumbs up of a man who's doing well. That is the thumbs up of a football player on a stretcher that you're never gonna see again. His thumb is saying I'm good, but his face is saying,

beep. Maybe Mitch was just overwhelmed by the media circus outside his door. I'm sure after he gave the thumbs up and got in his car, he seemed totally normal. Stay safe, stay strong. Wait, did he get stuck in thumbs up? Tell the senator vote on universal healthcare right now.

He's stuck like that. He has to vote. Yes. Republicans are going to have to flip him upside down to get a no vote. I'm sorry, but everything here screams puppet. Like, there's just a guy on the floor of the SUV with a fishing line. Like, quick, y'all, I can't open his mouth and move his thumb at the same time. But let's move on to something that can pass for a living human. AI. Over the last few years, we've heard about all the terrible things AI is going to do.

Use all of our water, take all of our jobs, with our ability to think, or even worse, mess with our ability to think, which is all bad. But at least it's not going to kill everyone. Jacob Coxon, a researcher at leading AI firm Anthropic, says he resigned, posting, The people building AI earnestly believe that it could kill us all by the end of the decade. End of the decade? In 20206, that's just three pumpkin spice seasons away. Maybe that's just a disgruntled employee.

People love to shit-talk their jobs after they leave. You know, when my buddy got fired from Chick-fil-A, he told everybody they spent Sundays doing unspeakable things to the sauce. I'm sure the people who still work there don't earnestly believe AI could kill all humans. A more senior employee at Anthropic wrote this on X. Jacob is correct here. We really do earnestly believe AI could kill all humans.

Damn, but you still work there? How do they get these employees? is do they just ask where you see yourself in five years? And if you say, killed by my own creation, you're hired. Frankenstein-ass workplace. But look, I'm not an expert. I don't know anything. The only time I use AI is when I try to Google, and it makes me use AI.

So why are the people who work there so convinced this is a possibility? The reality is the first steps are already here. AI agents, and to be clear, those agents are computer programs. They're not people. They've already conspired together. written malicious code, faked online identities to try to outsmart humans, and we know it's already happened. In an essay, Amadee, whose company runs Claude, writing, A Swarm of Rogue AI Agents could be capable of taking over the entire internet in just six to 12 months,

and saying AI could be used for cyber attacks or to create biological weapons. Six months ago, the Anthropic CEO is saying we could have six months before AI kills us all. everyone pick your death pose now, all right? You don't want to be like those people in Pompeii getting caught off guard, all right? You got to hit them with the... I'm convinced AI is dangerous. Are you guys going to stop making it, or do you have some other way to stop making it? Anthropics CEO, Dario Amadez, calls for an industry-wide slowdown.

He suggests third-party monitors, government regulations, and international cooperation are needed to slow it down. And soon, in a rare show of unity, rival CEOs Elon Musk of XAI and Sam Altman of OpenAI have said they too think the technology is becoming too powerful, too fast. This makes me hopeful. If the people want AI to have guardrails and the CEOs of the AI companies want AI to have guardrails, then it sounds like AI is going to get some guardrails. President Trump posted today that the only control or guardrails that AI needs is a strong and smart high IQ president. I did forget for a second that he was president. But you know what? Let's not rush to judgment. Trump can be smart sometimes.

Maybe the reason the economy is tanking and we're losing the war in Iran is because he's been putting all his energy into studying up on AI. Let's give the man a chance to prove himself. Some people say the worst case scenario with AI is that the robots, the machinery learns to, obviously it thinks for itself. That's what it does. And that could turn against humanity. I just, do we have the gall rails?

It's going to be fine. We'll always have something to stop them, right? I have a little gear. I really hope so. I really don't like that. I really don't like that robot. We'll stop. We have a little gear?

That's not how AI works. Are you thinking of a Furby? President Trump, please say something that tells me you have a firm grasp on the threat that AI poses. It's technology. No different than when television was, they said the movies would be out of business, and the radio came and something else was going to, to be gone.

And it's always everything as people should think more positively. Did this man just compare AI to the radio? Trump is like if the mayor from Jaws didn't know what sharks were. No, no, it's safe to swim, everyone. This is just like when television came along.

It's just like that. Also, it sounds like Trump thinks radio came after TV. He's been watching TV all these years and then he comes across a radio like, You could have it without the picture? Technology is crazy. So look, I know a lot of people are worried that AI is going to kill us all

before Shrek 5 can give us closure. Mainly because the tech CEOs gave us six months to live. But I'm not really sold on their narrative. I think it's just as likely that these people in a speculative, overblown industry got into a room and were like, so, is everybody out of money? and this whole thing, this whole thing of pumping the brakes

is actually about taking the pressure off of them to deliver massive returns that we know still aren't possible. It's not like if a guy couldn't get it up, but instead of apologizing, he was like, it's actually like too big, you know? Like, that's the problem, really. Like, I'm really saving your life right now

because this thing is too dangerous. Like, it's not that I can't perform, it's that I want you to live. So I don't think we can trust the tech CEOs and I know we can't trust Trump who needs the AI bubble to prop up the economy. Really, I just need someone who is trustworthy and fully on the ball

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Chevrolet dealer today for more details. Let's kick things off with Pete Hegsef, Secretary of Defense, and guy at the tattoo parlor who's always getting asked, Are you sure? He may be in charge of a war that we're clearly losing, but don't worry, Hexeth is laser-focused on making sure his next speech

looks sexy. Well, according to the Wall Street Journal tonight, Hegg-S-Penegon is focused on finding troops who embody the Secretary's specific brand of masculinity. to serve as the backdrop for his next speech. Commanders are now reportedly being asked to nominate troops who meet Hegset's waist-to-height requirements and also exhibit, quote-unquote, impeccable grooming standards.

I'm sorry, is this guy still in charge of the military, or is he in charge of casting Love Island? I can just see him screaming like, all these soldiers are going to watch, this speech shirtless, so no pepperoni nipples! I have never heard anyone say the phrase, waist-to-height ratio before. This man cannot count the number of missiles you need to fight a war with Iran, but when it comes

to male physique, he's a beautiful mind? Asking for impeccable grooming is a little strange, you know, but it's nice to know this administration is finally taking grooming seriously. Bond from Pete Hexeth to another perfect specimen of masculinity, Donald Trump Jr. This summer, he celebrated one of the most important days in any man's life. his second wedding. We had an awesome small ceremony in the Bahamas was just absolutely cool.

I think I got some video. I'll give you sweet. It's a. What a beautiful ceremony in the church from sinners. But poor Tiffany, even at a wedding that's basically in a room, she could only get an obstructed view. Still, I'm not going to hit on this story. For once, I'm glad to see the Trump's finally having

a family get together without any corruption. Russian oligarch with ties of Vladimir Putin paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to help finance Donald Trump Jr.'s recent wedding celebration in the Bahamas. Here comes the bribe from a Russian guy. All right, what did comrade oligarch give him? The parties that followed were anything but low-key, including professional dancers and a large fireworks display. ProPublica says this man, Umar Kremlev, seen in the back of this photo, footed the bill.

Dang, look at them back there! Also, the guy who gave them 700K is named Umar Kremlin. I don't want to be culturally insensitive, but that name sounds like a knock-off James Bond villain. He's a spy from the Kremlin. Let's call him Krimlev. But I'm getting distracted. A Russian oligarch with ties to Putin paid for the president's son's wedding weekend,

and this is a presidential family of billionaires, which means you just did corruption for the love of the gang. One person who is not happy about the reveal is the bride. Batina Trump. Batina. I've never seen those letters put together before. Batina Trump. Or as President Trump calls her, Melania.

What's what you doing here? I thought you'd never come back. When Bettina heard people were saying that her wedding was nothing more than a tawdry bribe, she set the record straight. His wife, Bettina Anderson, responded to ProPublica's reporting today with this on Instagram. Don and I got married privately on Friday, surrounded only by our family. And our dear friend, Umar, very generously hosted two incredible nights of celebrations for us after our wedding. Yeah, that's right, fake news.

They didn't pay for my wedding. They paid for the much more expensive after party. Because I'm not cheap. I'm Bettina. This whole family's been making billions off Trump's presidency, and they still can't resist a freebie. Whether it's a Katari jet or a post-wedding chocolate fountain,

all of Trump's kids have front row access to everything. Well, almost all of them. But let's move on from Don Jr., who technically has no responsibilities in the administration, to someone who does have responsibilities. He just doesn't worry about him. FBI director, Cash Battalion. Yesterday, Cash testified before the Senate, and the FBI is facing a lot of scrutiny right now, so these hearings were a chance for the Senate to really dig in.

Um, what about the bestiality? I'm sorry, the what now? Did I miss an episode? You know things have gone off the rails when someone has to ask, what about the beastiality? But apparently what happened was earlier in the hearing, Democratic Senator Dick Durbin wanted to ask Patel about a recent decision to loosen standards for FBI recruits. And I guess one particularly loose new standard kind of jumped out. The FBI has lowered its hiring standards by dropping automatic disqualification

for applicants who have stolen from fire employees, paid for sex, are engaged in bestiality. Director Patel, do you believe those who have previously stolen from employers solicited sex or engaged in bestiality or qualified or qualified? are qualified candidates that the FBI is losing? Thank you for bringing this up so we can get to the truth of the matter. We are witnessing history here, all right? This may be the first time ever someone's response to what's up with the bestiality is, thank you for bringing that up.

These are the standards you're lowering? Maybe the new standard should be only needs to do 20 push-ups and not can't go to a petting zoo wearing gym shorts. So this whole thing apparently confused Republican Senator John Kennedy, who asked Patel what old regulations were we actually under discussion here? The regs wrote it up in a fashion before I arrived that addressed prostitution, bestiality, and trafficking. They were there before I got there. Tell me what it said before. It automatically disqualified any individual who participated on either side of it.

Obviously, we are never going to hire the criminal. This side of what? the bestiality. Yes. So you disqualified the animal? Was this a big problem? I'm sniffing dogs out there who are like, shit, the Chinese know I hooked up with Kyle.

I am so confused. In his fake scenario, the animal participant in the bestiality is the one to blame? Like, there are actually FBI applicants going, yeah, you know how sometimes in an online dating situation, you can get catfished. Well, that has.

happened to me by a catfish. How is the head of the FBI losing an interrogation about animal sex? What a fall from grace for the FBI, you know? Like, y'all used to be the cream of the crop. The Bureau was the dream team and America's finest law enforcement agency. I mean, y'all killed Dr. King.

And now look at you. Jay Edgar Hoover must be rolling over in his dress right now. Now. And by the way, I'm not the only one wondering why Cash Patel made Beastiality an issue in the FBI at all. Senator Kitty and I had the same questions. Why would you, in light of the context and what we're going through and we're having a tough time attracting agents, why would you even get into Beastieality? We are not into Becality. Okay, now I definitely think Cash is into Becceality.

Why do I get the feeling there's a video of Cash Patel partying in the locker room of the Westminster Dog Show? He's just in there like, yeah, Labradoodle, let's go! I'm not saying he does it personally, but like, maybe his mom had an affair with an owl. Plain a lot, you know? Just... So I believe that Kennedy is sensitive to the optics here, but I did some investigating into the senator's social media, and I think I might have uncovered an ulterior motive. guys, John Kennedy here. I've got somebody I want you to meet. This is Lily Grace Kennedy. Even though Lily is a lady, she likes to hump a dump my arm after I feed her cheese

when she jumps up on the bed. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hump a dump? That dog is humping the shit out of you. Hump a dump is crazy. Hump a dump is crazy. You see. Humperdump means that dog is really throwing it back, you know? Well, good news. Under Cash Patel, John Kennedy can join the FBI, and so can Lily. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025.

Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every... Drive, extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Let's start right here in New York City. We've got some Throgheads in the house. It's the best city in the world. A lot of buildup for that. It's the best city in the world. But it's not perfect. Luckily, we've got Mayor

Zoran Mamdani here now to fix our problem. Starting with problems number one, Number two. Finding a public restroom in the city could soon get a lot easier. Mayor Mondani announced plans since all 17 modular public restrooms and busy areas all across the five boroughs. Yes, thank you, Mayor Mammany.

Looks like Costa has weekend plans after all. But this will be helpful, because I'm so sick of having to buy a coffee every time I need to go to the bathroom, and then having to buy another coffee because the first coffee maybe need to go to the bathroom. Then, yep, you get to.

another coffee for another bathroom. Coffee bathroom, coffee bathroom, coffee bathroom, until finally I'm home and I can relax on my couch with you guessed it, a nice cup of coffee. But these aren't just your regular old public restrooms. These have some pretty high-tech features. A QR code gets you in for free. Safety features include a smoke detector

and a 10-minute time limit per use. Attention, your use time has expired. The door is opening now. Wait, after 10 minutes, the doors open automatically. People are going to be in there on minute nine with their pants around their ankles, trying to cut the wire like it's mission impossible. Red or blue, red or blue? I can't believe the door just flies open, whether you're done or not.

Nothing keeps things moving smoothly like a shock clock counting down until the entire city gets to see your butthole. On the other hand, it does beat the original idea. which was to eject you over the Throg's Neck Bridge. It's a great bridge. Let's move on to something that's lasted way longer than 10 minutes. The war in Iran. Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.

When Trump launched this war back in March, he promises it would take just a few weeks, and it would cost us nothing. And that promise went just as perfectly as all's other promises. Nearly seven months into the war with Iran, Americans are also footing a rapidly rise bill from the price of the war itself, the Congressional Budget Office now estimating $38 billion in rising to the price of the things we need, like oil, diesel prices pushed to new record highs

again overnight. Diesel's rising costs can show up in everything from groceries to clothes to home heating. Oh, great, as if I don't already fight enough with my wife over the thermostat. I always want her to turn it down and she always wants me to stop coming home at 2 a.m. stinking of alcohol. You know, it's like marriage. But that's right. We've got a problem with diesel. And I mean the fuel source, not the brand of jeans worn exclusively

by disgusting Europeans. And the cost is even more when you count all the military bases we have to repair. All the equipment will have to fix. All the Iran War Championship T-shirt merch we had to throw away. So I'm just a little confused. Donald Trump has assured many times

that we've already won the war, so why are gas prices still going up? As a new wave of strikes this weekend targets vessels in the Strait of Hormuz, prompting escalating threats. God damn it, the Strait of Hormuz? How is this still happening? We're the United States. We almost beat the Taliban. I know we can handle one straight.

A dramatic escalation tonight in the war with Iran. Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen, threatening a second waterway critical to global trade. The Babel Mandab Strait, a vital route for Saudi oil. Wait, wait, wait. There's another straight now? This war is like a telenovela. The strait of Hormuz has a twin. I'm starting to think it's bad that our entire economy's built on extracting oil

from incredibly narrow waterways in the world's most volatile region. And I just want to give a shout out to my favorite straight, by the way. Gibraltar. Right? I mean, drama-free, ban in its lane. No one has anything bad to ever say about the Strait of Gibraltar. Anyways, love you, Jim. So now we have two straits that we get our oil from, and they're both closed.

How did this happen? A lot of it has to do with the Iranian-supported Houthi rebels in Yemen here. We can see the Houthis have now spread their control. Actually, it does include this town right here, and it also includes a very key island in the Strait of Babel-Aamendev right here. They've been running oil out of this pipeline here into the Red Sea. Shut up, shut up, shut up! Just shut up!

More obscure Middle Eastern geography. I shouldn't have to know what Param Island is. No offense to the people of this region, I'm sure it's a beautiful place with a rich and fascinating history, but every time I learned something new about it, it means my life has gotten worse. By this time next year, gas is going to be $12 a gallon, and I'm going to be able to name all the rivers in Oman.

This brain wasn't built to learn about international. waterways, it was built to learn the names of all the characters in the progressive insurance commercials. Flo, Jamie, Mara, and of course, Alan. You guys don't know their names? And more importantly, this all shows how badly our Commander-in-Chief has managed this war. I mean, look at this shit. Iran is not even on the map about the war in Iraq. I thought this war was about nukes, but the nukes, they're like up here.

This war is starting to feel like that moment in monopoly when you're, when you know you're going to lose, but it's still going to take like six more hours of hemorrhaging money. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11,

10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.