The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Beckham Bids Farewell To The Queen

Episode Date: September 24, 2022

Beckham bids farewell to the Queen, Adnan Syed is freed from prison, Trump is sued by New York's attorney general, and Putin faces heat at home. Here's what you missed this week. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. A giant story from the world of video games. Over the weekend, a hacker leaked unfinished footage from the next Grand Theft Auto Game, and then, they threatened to release more if Rockstar Games doesn't reach a deal with them. Yeah. And you know Rockstar the game manufacturer. They must be so pissed right now. They must be like, how do these kids get the idea that it's fun to commit crimes, huh?

Now luckily law enforcement has said that they had a lead on the criminal, but then he hid in a car wash for like a minute and now they just forgotten about the whole case. In international news Gautam Adani, an Indian businessman who made his fortune in shipping and coal production has officially passed Jeff Bezos to become the world's second richest person. Yeah, poor Jeff Bezos, yeah when he heard this his rocket ship immediately went limp. I see some of you are cheering, he's just like, yeah, Indian guy number two on the list. Don't forget, don't forget, yes. I mean, it's good news for him, but Mr. Adani's parents are Indian.

So, they're probably still like, you know, I still wish you went to medical school. A billion is cool, but you know what school is it? Being a doctor! Oh, and an update on COVID-19, in an interview yesterday, President Biden said that while we still have a problem with the virus, quote, the pandemic is over, the pandemic is over. Yes, yeah, but I get why Biden said this. I mean, he just had COVID. Everyone, everyone who gets COVID is over COVID. Everyone, as soon as they're done, they're like, all right, it's done for everybody.

Let's start this party! Start breathing in each other's mouth. Ha! All right, but let's get to the big story that everyone's talking about. Two weeks ago, as you all know, Queen Elizabeth died of being old. two weeks since, right? Lots of heated debates from all sides. She was an icon, she was a tyrant, preserve the monarchy, get rid of the monarchy. We hate Charles, we also hate

Charles. But today, today Britain said, hey, let's suppress our feelings as usual because it's the Queen's funeral. And they did it in a major way. So let's catch up on the UK's big day and our latest installment of the Royal Rumble. Today Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest at one of her favorite castles but before she was buried the public was given a chance to visit her casket and pay their respect. Today Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest at one of her favorite castles but before she was buried the rest at one of her favorite castles, but before she was buried, the public was given a chance to visit her casket and pay their respects. Overnight, that incredible line of mourners snaking through central London, thousands

patiently waiting to pay their respects to Britain's longest-raining monarch. Tens of thousands from around the world wait for hours to see the Queen's coffin. With lines now stretching five miles to see her lying in state, the predicted wait tonight, an incredible 22 hours. I've been waiting for 10 hours. I've been up since 4 o'clock this morning. Even soccer star David Beckham lining up overnighed for 13 hours. I think that was a reminder of how much people in this country really like to line up. It really is a national pastime. British people enjoy

queuing as they say in this country. That's a... It's an interesting takeaway. No, why are these people here? They just like lining up. That's, uh, is something else? No, no, they just really like lining up. I don't think they also like the Queen. But this is true. Apparently standing in line is really popular in Britain. thiiiiiiiiiiiii. It it. It thi. It's. It's. It's. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, their. It's, their. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. thi, th. th. It th. It th. It th. It is th. It is thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. It's thi thi thi that that that that that that that that thate thate thate thate thate thi. th't think they also like the Queen. But this is true. Apparently, standing in line is really popular in Britain. It's like their national pastime. And before you make fun of them for doing something so boring, don't forget, America's a national pastime, it's baseball, you know, which is, yeah, when people act as if someone died but they didn't. But 22 hours in line, that's nother-o'er. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. the. thee. theeeeean. thean. thean. tean. tean. thean. thean. thean. thean. theee. because remember, there's no iPhone at the end of that line, all right? It's just a box and you don't even get to open the box.

And as you heard, even David Beckham waited in line, which honestly, I found so impressive. Because apparently he was offered a chance to skip the queue and he refused, which is really admirable. I mean, especially when you consider that you don't know, you're going to be stuck in that line with, you know what I mean? Yeah, because at the beginning you might be like, I'm just going to stand in the line and next you know there's like an Arsenal fan behind him for 20 hours, just like, man United, oh shit they say it in! Arsenal! Arsenal! Oh, God save the Queen I don't miss it so much! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! th! Go! Go! Go! I'm! I'm their! I'm just! I'm just! I'm just! I'm just! I'm just! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I! I'm just! I'm just! I'm just! I'm just th! I'm just th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the today was finally the Queen's funeral. And essentially, the entire country shut down for this thing.

You've never seen anything like it. Schools and businesses were closed. I mean, and that's a really great way of honor, you know, someone who also never had to work, but it was intense. It was also a little inconvenient for people. Flights were canceled to avoid the noise. Hospitals even postponed surgeries. Yeah, and if you were supposed to get a surgery on a plane, forget it.

That definitely wasn't happening. No, but for real, I think it's actually good thatthey postpone routine surgeries because everyone in the UK is distracted today. You know, kind of doctors coming out like, Mrs Abbott, I'm pleased to say the bum lift was a success. But I needed a hip replacement. And I need a new queen, but you don't hear me complaining. I get on out of here with that fat ass girl. Shake it.

Just shake it. Just shake it. So obviously this was a huge deal. And by the way, not just for the Brits. Leaders from all over the world flew in to be a part of this funeral. Now, what was a little strange was that President Biden arrived in a six-car motorcade. Meanwhile, leaders from most other countries had to share buses. I mean, that must have sucked. Like, the whole point of becoming a world leader is that you don't ever have to ride a bus anymore. Imagine you're the emperor of Japan, and you have to pretend you don't hear Justin Trudeau shitting in the bus bathroom.

And obviously some people are mad that Biden got special treatment. But if you ask me, I think the other world leaders, they're the ones who benefited. Can you imagine being stuck on a bus with Joe Biden? With Joe Biden? The conversation would never end. It's just him like, so then Mr. Prattman said, Corn Pomp, I said, listen Jack, I lived in straight and I, I took his hair, and tell him, mama, sorry, what, what, you, you're moving to another scene? Come on, man, come on, listen.

And world leaders weren't the only ones in attendance. No, the Queen's cogies were there too, and this was really really really Yeah, they got to pay their last respect, you know, see the Queen one more time, and then I assume follow the little trail of dog treats right into the tomb. Very adorable. That's how the Egyptians did it. I'm assuming the English are the same. I'm assuming the you bring the dogs? Why are you torturing them? What, were the dogs like, sitting up in the morning, can we get a treat and like,

I'll show you why there's no more treats? But once the funeral was over, the Queen's casket was driven to Windsor Castle to give her one last chance to experience London traffic. procession of Queen Elizabeth's coffin. Cheers going up from the crowd, a crowd that has been quiet and somber throughout most of the morning, but now cheers as the Queen's coffin. Fours being thrown from the crowd toward the Queen's coffin. This is probably my favorite part of a funeral. No, it genuinely is. There's a moment where everyone's sad because somebody gone and then there's the moment where you celebrate their life. I love this moment.

You know, you're like, oh, ha ha! It's just a way that they were throwing the flowers onto the car's windshield while the dude is driving. It's a bit risky. I don't know if guys the guy's going to end up like just plowing just the the the the th is going the th pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pl pling up. I the the th th is th is going. I the the th is going. I's going. I's going. I's going th is going th is going thi thi. It's going thi thi thi. It's thi. It's thi- thi- thi- thi- thi- thi- thi- thi. I's thi. I's thi- thi- thi- thi- thi- thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the crowd. Just put those in the back with the Queen. Let's go, let's go. We're gonna keep moving, gotta keep moving. But aside from all the flowers and panties being thrown at the car, it was a beautiful procession. With all the King's horses, all the King's men, basically everyone who couldn't save Humpty Dumpty, they were there. And it was a three mile march from Westminster Abbey to Windsor Castle, also known as the Long Walk. Yeah, or as Kylie Jenner calls it, why didn't they take the jet? So it was a long ride to Windsor Castle, but it was worth the wait. Because the ceremony, the ceremony formally

laying Her Majesty to rest was not to be missed. The most intimate, moving moment was when the crown jeweler removed the instruments of state, that's the crown, the orb in the scepter, removed them from the queen's coffin and placed him on the altar. And then the head of the queen's household broke his wand of office and then placed that on the queen's coffin. That essentially signals we're told that this queen's the thrain is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the is the the is thease thease thease thease thease theanananananananananananan is thoomeoleanor is that on the Queen's coffin. That essentially signals we're told that this Queen's reign is over the coffin, then lowered into the vault. There are 10 other monarchs buried there at St. George's Chapel as well. Yeah, as the world watched on, Queen Elizabeth II, the UK's longest reigning monarch was lowered into the family vaults.

And whether you are for or against the monarchy, you cannot deny. This is a landmark moment in history. They broke the wand and it's official. I will say, and yes, it's because I've read too much Harry Potter. This thing could have just as easily been part of a wizard ceremony you know. It's like a guy in a cape holding an orb snapping a wand. By the way why why is the wand getting buried with her majesty but nothing else? I feel like it's kind of a

letdown right? Because they could bury her with the crown and the orb but they're like, no no we'll hold on to these. Yeah you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you can you can you can you can you you the th you can th you can th you can th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. the that the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th th. th. th. th th th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to the to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the orb, but they're like, no, no, we'll hold on to these. Yeah, you can be buried with this broken pool cue. There you go. Tata. An executive from the vegan burger company Beyond Meat was arrested after a fight in which he allegedly bit another man's nose. Which, God damn, when vegans have a cheat day, they really go half. He allegedly bit another man's nose. Which, god damn, when vegans have a cheat day, they really go hard. They go hard. In health news, the FDA has officially warned people not to do a Tick-Tock trend called

the NyQuil Challenge, which is where people are cooking chicken in Nyquil. I don't know. I mean, this sounds fake to me. But if it's not, why would you stop it? Huh? White people are finally seasoning their chicken. That's a win. Let them do it. Let them go.

Oh, and in international news, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is facing criticism after a video circulated showing him singing Bohemian Rhapsody at a London hotel two nights before the Queen's funeral. Yeah, people are saying it was disrespectful and and they're right. You don't sing a song by Queen when the Queen has died. That's insulting. You sing Wu Tang. It was her favorite group. But seriously, I don't get why people are so angry about this. Who cares? It's not like he's saying, another one bites the dust, you know? You're not too sensitive.

But let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day. Starting with a criminal case that was probably in your ears every Thursday morning back in 2014. A judge in Baltimore today overturned the murder conviction of Adnan Syed, whose case was featured in the hit podcast serial and ordered his release from prison. Syed now 41 walked out of the courthouse after spending more than two decades behind bars. In vacating the ruling, the judge found that the original prosecutors did not turn over evidence to the defense that could have helped Syed. And evidence uncovered since would have added, quote, substantial and significant probability that the result would have been different.

The decision to vacate Syed's conviction came down just hours ago, and tonight, he's back home with family. And as you could see in this video, one of the first things he did is go right for the fridge and dive into some leftovers. I'm sorry, this is an insane story. This guy was sentenced to life in prison. Then years later, a podcast brings attention to his case, and now after 22 years locked up, he gets to go home. And I know people are celebrating this and I understand why, but I'm going to be honest with you,

I find it weird that America confuses fixing a mistake with a happy ending. You know what I mean? I'm like, good news, we got out of Afghanistan. Why were you there in the first place? Good news, we got emergency water to Jackson, Mississippi. Why do you need emergency water? Good news! We took all the pink slime out of the meat. The pink what now? So yes, happy, but come on people, you know?

I will say it was heartwarming though to see him back home with his family eating leftovers. Yeah, no, just because knowing families, there's probably one uncle who's like, who's like, who the hell had my leftovers? I know you did 20 years, but I was saving that. But can you imagine that that guy was in prison since the year 2000? Think about all the things he's missed out on. He's going to be chatting to his friends like, oh man, I'm so excited to be free. Let's go to an R. Kelly concert.

They'll be like, ah, ah, got some bad news. But this does raise a big question, right? What does it say th say it takes a podcast to help free a man from prison. Because what I think it says is that either America needs to reform its justice system or podcasts need to become part of the justice system. Yeah, think about it. Think about, everyone hates jury duty, but everyone loves podcasts. So maybe we get rid of juries and just have everyone in America listen to the podcast. And then they all vote, it just becomes a nationwide jury.

They're paying attention. They actually call. Yeah, because this is something I've realized. If you add entertainment, Americans are always interested. Like, nobody wants to sit in a courtroom, ah, but people have watched 700 seasons of law and order. Sometimes during jury duty, they're like, this is boring, I'm going to watch more law. Think about, if the trial is a podcast, everybody wins, right?

Justice is served, jurors aren't bored. And best of all, everyone gets to go home with a promo code for a shirt that you don't have to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the to tuck in. Now here's the thing, the full story is this. It wasn't just the podcast that helped free Saeed. What happened was, Saeed got lucky enough that his case came up for review to a prosecutor who used to be a public defender, right? And that prosecutor dug through the case files, deeper than she had to and found all sorts of problems with the original prosecution. So she asked the judge to vacate the conviction and let Say it go. Yeah, and they did this while they decide whether or not to put him on trial again.

But remember, the prosecutor didn't have to do any of that. She could have just said, yeah, maybe it wasn't a completely fair trial, but no. She said no. If we're going to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put to put the the to the the the the to the the the to the the to be the to be the to be the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th.. th. th. threat. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. te. th th the the the the the the the th th trial but tough shit but no she said no if we're gonna put somebody in prison it has to be without any doubt and that shows you the difference between a justice system that wants justice versus a system that just wants to put people in prison this prosecutor is like those employees in the shoe store who offered to check in the back when they don't have your size you know what I mean when they actually go let me check in them as opposed the employees their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their they their their their their their their their their they're to their their their their they they they they their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their te. te. te. te. te. I te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. they're te. they actually go, let me check in them as opposed to those employees. We're like, sorry, man, I ain't got your size.

You're like, can you check in the back? They're like, no, I'll be better if you just chop off your feet. No, I'm not gonna lie. Get more people like that. Get more. caps are melting. It's not like they're like, oh damn, did you see that Adam Levine story on Tick-Tock? I'll melt later because you got to check this out. No, the climate change is still getting worse and it doesn't mean that it's gotten worse for everybody though. In fact, in Mexico, the effects of climate change have created business opportunities for drug cartels. An investigation by Vice

news has found that Mexico's notorious Sinaloa drug cartel is now in the water business. After a major drought dried up lakes and rivers across northern Mexico, the cartel began siphoning off anything that remained and selling it to farmers and businesses. In some cases they even hijacked water trucks at gunpoint. Yeah, you hear that? Drug cartels are running water now. Controlling the water. We laughed at the fire festival guy, but sooner or later, every one of us is going to be sucking bee for a bottle of Poland spring. Because here's the thing, just because climate change happens gradually, it doesn't mean it's not a crisis.

People watch Mad Max and they're like, oh, that's a bit unrealistic, but remember, that's not day one. It didn't start like that. Immortant Joe didn't roll up into the office like that. It was gradual. And if drug cartels are not going to be selling water, that means now we have to be worried about whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether whether they's or not, if if if if if it's or not, it's or not, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, the now we have to be worried about whether or not it's pure. And if we're not going to start cutting it with like urine or, yeah, or even worse, Dasani, you never know.

And if you're not disturbed about what's happening in Mexico, you should be, because water is a resource people. It's a resource that everyone needs to survive. It's not something that should be controlled by drug cartels. That's Nestle's business. And Cineloa is stepping on their goddamn turf bend the hole. Speaking of climate change, as the world tries to become more green, one of the major challenges has been airplanes, right? The problem is, it's hot to make them green and we need them. We use them for everything. You know shipping products people, you know dragging giant signs across the sky so people know that there's a mattress sale

Without planes how you ever gonna join the mile high club, huh? Have you ever tried to smash in a hot air balloon the splinters get everywhere Plus that old man is judging you the whole time well you paid for an hour, so you still got 57 minutes??????????? th? th.? th.? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? thi thrown. toge? togu? toge? toge? toge. trie. trie. toge. toge. toge. paid for an hour, so you still got 57 minutes left, kid. Pshps. So, the truth is we're going to have to get serious about fighting climate change, even if it means taking some big swings, which is why Air Canada has made an exciting new announcement. Air Canada is buying electric planes for the first time. It is purchasing 30 battery-powered regional aircraft from Hart Aerospace, a Swedish company. The planes can carry up to 30 passengers and will generate zero emissions. Now that's what I'm talking about, people, electric planes, cleaner, efficient, quieter,

so now you'll really be able to hear the baby crying behind you, you know? I was like, oh, that's one in a thing. I don't know about you, but I'm excited for this, you know? Like, I can't, I can't wait to fly on maybe the second or third one they make. I, yeah, like, let them fly for a year and then I'll jump on. I'll jump on immediately. I mean, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to to to to to to to to to to to to jump on, like, like, like, the to to to to jump to tho, I'm to to to jump to jump to jump o' to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the their their their their their th. thi, I'm thin, I'm thin, thin, thin, thin, the the the the, thin, the the thin, the the., I thin, I thooan, I'm tho immediately. I mean, like, here's the thing. They won't even let us fly with a big battery on a plane because they're scared, it'll burst into flames, but now the whole plane is just a big battery? You want me to be comfortable with that? I'm just saying, it's not a no. Maybe we just make everything on the ground electric tooes first,

before we do it in the sky. It's gonna th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thin thin thin' thin' thi's gonna thi's gonna thi's gonna thi's gonna thi' thi' thoom! thoom! thoombue thi' thi' thoom'er'er. thoom'er'er'er'er'er. thi'er'er'er. thi'er. thi'er. thi'er. thi'er. thi'er. thi'er. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi'n't thi'n't thi'n't thi'n't thi'n't thi'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n'n't th sky. It's gonna be dope when you think about it, you know, because once electric planes are going, it's gonna be easy. Just leave them plugged in, charging at the airport, and boom, zero emissions. We should also prepare ourselves, though, for that occasional flight when we find out at 30,000 feet, that the plane wasn't fully charged because, yeah, because the plug did that thing where it just hangs off. You know what the plug does that?

Now you're on 4%? I was just like, uh, ladies and gentlemen, does anybody have a portable charger? I'm joking. That's not how technology works. Come on, people. If the plane gets low on battery, you just put it in the airplane mode, problem solve. Come on. All right. finally, finally, here's a story,

here's a story I have to share with you guys, because I can't tell if it's amazing or terrifying or both. Like, how many ants do you guys think they are on earth? A billion? A billion? A trillion? Well, it turns out, you're way off. And the Washington Post report scientists calculated how many ants are on earth. And they say the number is unimaginable.

Scientists from the University of Hong Kong analyzed hundreds of studies and concluded that there are nearly 20 quadrillion ants burying around the planet. There are about 2.5 million ants for every person. Wow! 20 quadrillion ants on the planet! I've heard that news today and I was like, what? That doesn't even sound like a real number. Sounds like what I'd make up if someone asked me how many ants they're on the planet? I'd be like, I don't know, like 20 quadrillion. But no, an actual scientist has counted them all. And I mean, that's the person I feel bad for. Yeah, because

they were probably like 17 quadrillion and 35, 17 quadrillion and 36. I was like, hey, Sam, you want to grab a coffee? Ah, I was in the middle of something! One, two, three. And you heard what they said, they said this number means there are 2.5 million ants for every person. And that's really bad news. Yeah, because I can fight like 20 ants tops. After that I'm leaving the picnic. The producers of the James Bond movies have announced that casting is officially underway for the next double-07. Yes, but, but, but, they say whoever takes the role must make a 10 to 12-year commitment. Yeah, which is a bit weird.

I mean, if there's one thing James Bond is not known for, it's long-term commitments. In Health News, a panel appointed by the Department of Health and Human Services has formally recommended that all Americans under the age of 65 should be screened for anxiety. And I'm going to save you some time. Yeah, everyone's god-dame anxious, all right? I want to be screened. What does it mean? If you live in America and you don't have anxiety, your ass needs a mental health screen like a full one. And by the way, I love how they're recommending the screenings, but only

for people under the age of 65. Yeah, what about the people over 65? It's basically like, they're like, well, whatever you're worried about, it's going to be over soon. So. In military news, Space Force has officially released its theme song. Here's a sample. The Federal Reserve has raised interest rates yet again, yeah, to try and get inflation under control. And I don't know people, after three big interest rates increases that, like, they haven't stopped inflation. Maybe it's trying to try and try to inflation, you know? Yeah, to try and get inflation under control. And I don't know people after three big interest rates increases that like they haven't stopped inflation maybe it's trying to try something different you know maybe we just invite inflation to a party

yeah and then when it gets drunk it passes out we draw a dick on its face it won't change anything but it'll be funny ha inflation all right let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day starting with the only ex-president who spends more time with his lawyers than his grandkids. Donald Jurassic Trump. Now it turns out the former president is somehow in more legal trouble than ever. And we're going to find out why in another legal trouble for January 6th, for stealing classified documents, for meddling classified documents, for meddling in the vote count in Georgia,

and for having an ass that just will not quit. For stealing classified documents, for meddling in the vote count in Georgia, and for having an ass that just will not quit. But now, he's also in big trouble with New York's Attorney General. We are in unprecedented territory once again. The New York Attorney General has just filed a sweeping fraud lawsuit against former President Trump, three of his adult children and the Trump organization. AG Latisha James says they were involved in a decade-long

financial scheme that allowed Trump to falsely inflate his net worth by billions of dollars. James says the investigation uncovered some 200 examples of false valuations of Trump's assets and she thinks this civil case will have serious criminal fallout. The pattern of fraud and deception that was used by Mr. Trump and the Trump organization for their own financial benefit is astounding. Claiming you have money that you do not have does not amount to the art of the deal.

It's the art of the deal. It's the art of the steel. Ooh. Donald Trump is in trouble now. Yeah, because when a prosecutor uses a rhyme, you're about to do time. Now, I'm not going to lie. I'm not optimistic. But if half of what the Attorney General is saying is true, Trump is an even bigger economy than we all thought, because he's accused

of lying about the value of his properties for decades, for decades to defraud the banks into giving him better loans, right? And these are not small amounts. For instance, Marilago was worth $75 million. And what a Trump said was worth? $740 million. How? Because I upgraded it, folks. Yeah.

Totally upgrade. I added a wreck room. It's got a foosball table and everything. He also claimed that his 11,000 square foot apartment was actually 30,000 square feet, which was a lie. So this man is going to be the first person to ever get in legal trouble for claiming his apartment is a grower not a shower. And I've got to say, I've got to say, it would be so funny if this is what takes

Trump down. Can you imagine? He's trying to overthrow the government, but then, but the the the then, but then, but then, but then, th, th, th, thin, thin, thin, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throwing, throw, throwing, throw, throw, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is their, is their, is their, is their, is thi............ He's, is thi. He's, is thi. He's, is thi, is thr, is thi, is thi, is thi. He's, is thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. He's thi. He overthrow the government, but then they get him for lying about having an in-unit washer dryer. It's like, that's the thing that locks him up. Oh, and according to this lawsuit, it wasn't just Donald. Apparently the whole family was involved in the scheme, which is pretty disappointing. I mean, I expect this from Donald Trump, you know, and also from Don Jr. and also from Ivanka, but... But Eric? Actually, yeah, he seems like the kind of guy who would do this. All right, let's move on to some international news, and it's about Ukraine.

We want to begin this morning with that breaking news out of Russia overnight Vladimir Putin doubling down in his war against Ukraine. Vladimir Putin is preparing for a longer and more intense war on Ukraine. In a speech carried nationally in Russia the president said he will put up 300,000 military reservists to active duty. Vladimir Putin's been pushed into a corner. Warning the waste, he still has weapons of mass destruction, read that as nuclear, and he's prepared to use them. We will use all the means at our disposal to protect Russia and our people, he said, this is not a bluff.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Seriously Putin, nukes the N-word? Not cool, man. Not cool. That's America's word to use. He does sound serious, though. You heard him. You heard what he said? He said, this is not a bluff. Although, to be fair, this is not a bluff. Is what someone who's bluffing would say? Yeah, it wouldn't be very effective if he was like, I will nuke entire world, but I am bluffing, so don't worry. By the way, I know this is random, but I found it funny that he has the two landlines

behind him in the picture. No, I mean, like, I get the one. Maybe that's for like the nuclear code. But what's the other line thine thine thine thine thine that's thine, that's that's that's the other that's the other that's the other that's the other that's the other thine, that's the other thine, thine, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's but what's the other line for? Is he also like a part-time telemarketer? He's like, Mr. Antwerp, I'm preparing for nuclear war, which is why in life insurance is very important right now. Could I introduce you to a poem? You know, one of the most frustrating things about this war is that the only reason

it's still going on is because Latimer Putin is trying to save face. He just doesn't want to be seen to be losing and it made me wonder do you think Putin knows how to lose? Like do you think he knows how? Because think about it, the dude plays an annual hockey game where the Russian team lets him score 32 goals, right? He somehow wins the judo contest against professionals every year. So it actually wouldn't surprise me that he can't accept the concept that he can lose. You know, it's almost like when parents let their kids win everything. You know when they're like, wow Billy you ran so fast you win again, then the kid grows up thinking that losing isn't a part of life.

All right? That's why when Iaced my four-year-old nephew last weekend, I smoked his ass. Bam! Left him in the dust. Yeah. Then I gave him a rematch, and I smoked his ass again! I mean, yes, he cried. Yes, he cried, yes he cried. But you know what he won't do?

Invade Ukraine. Yeah. All right, finally, let's turn to the world of sports, where there's some really exciting stuff going on. In baseball, Aaron Judge is on a historic home run tear, crushing it out there. In football, the Giants won a game. But the most exciting news of all is coming out of the NBA.

And it's because the king has a new crown. And it looks like basketball icon. LeBron James is trying something new. The Laker star posted this picture on his Instagram stories, sitting in a barber's chair with no hair for years LeBron's hairline has been the subject of countless memes Okay, okay, who is this? Lebron James I love it. This is a dope look. The one that's making you is Lebron James not only does he look better. This is gonna be trouble. the tryo-dynamic Lebron. He's gonna be unstoppable two hundred points. I'm calling it. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thronge. throng-I's the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thr-I's thr-I's thr-I's teeeeee. thro the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. Can you imagine a more aerodynamic LeBron? He's gonna be unstoppable! 200 points! I'm calling it right now! I'm glad

Lebron did this. I'm glad, proud of him. Because his hair kept on receding further and further back. You know, there's nothing wrong with that, but it just was, you know? His line was so far back, Steph. No, but for real, he looks good. I like it. Slick, still got the beard. In fact, it's so good it's inspired me to do it too. That's right. The time has come. Thank you, LeBron.

No, guys, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. told thi. I'm kidding. God. God. God. God. God. God. God. God. God. th kidding. I'm kidding. God blessed me. Come down. The ongoing legal troubles of America's 45th president, Donald jurisdiction, Trump. The only former president with a sidegig selling bedazzled classified documents on Etsy.

You see, Trump is still being investigated by the Justice Department for keeping over 100 classified documents in a closet at Marilago. Pretty much the least secure place in the world outside of Adam Levine's DMs. And Trump, and Trump has been coming up with all kinds of defenses for what he did. They said, oh, the FBI planted the evidence. They said, everyone takes work home with them, and then they said, Trump was trying to protect the documents from Nicholas Cage. But last night, last night during an interview with Sean Hannity, Trump came up with a new excuse that may have topped them all.

A defiant Donald Trump pushing back, the former president is insisting he had the power to declassify documents seized from his Marlago home just by thinking about it. If you're the President of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it's declassified, even by thinking about it. And there doesn't have to be a process. There can be a process, but there doesn't have to be. Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Donald Trump can declassify documents with his brain? How? How does this happen? I really hope that I can make things happen with my mind is going to be the actual argument at the trial. That would be great. Your Honor, the defendant pleads Jedi. So Trump is saying that he

declassified these documents just by thinking about it, which I don't even believe because that will be the first time in his life, that Trump has thought something and not said it out loud. Think about it. This is a man who thought to himself, who, if I wasn't related to my daughter, I would date her. And then he told everyone on way, if this all happened in his head, you do realize that means now the FBI is going to have to raid his brain for the evidence.

That's going to be a nightmare for them. Oh guys, all right, let's see what we have in here. Wow, it's a lot of bikinis, a thieni. that's a lot of bikini. Is that Putin in a bikini? Is that Putin in a bikini? A hamburger in a bikini? Oh, what's going? Hold up, hold up. I think I found the documents.

I got them, the classified documents, but they're in a bikini! Now, if we had more time, we could talk about the massive ramifications of Donald Trump having a superpower that only applies to documents, but we just, we don't have have have have have have have have have the same the same talk about the massive ramifications of Donald Trump having a super power that only applies to documents, but we just, we don't have the time. Because in that same interview, he gave a different excuse that was even more mind-boggling. Here is Donald Trump's new theory revealed just an hour ago about what the FBI was really looking for with their search warrant. There's also a lot of speculation because of what they did the severity of the FBI coming and raiding Marlago.

Were they looking for the Hillary Clinton emails that were deleted but they are around someplace? Were they looking for the spying or drugs? No, no, they may be saying they may have thought that it was in there. Okay. Wait, wait. What? Even short-handies like, wait, I'm sorry, I'm they. I. I. they. they. they. they. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the they they th. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. They they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're th. They're th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thee. S. I the. I thee. the. the. the. thi. thi. theythere. Okay. Wait, wait, what? What? Even shorthand, he's like, wait, I'm sorry, man, I'm, I'm, I'm, I roll with you, but I don't understand. Like, what, what, I was so confused. So is Trump saying the FBI raided his house to find Hillary's emails? So they didn't want the documents he declassified with his mind, no, they wanted the emails he couldn't find, but that he actually had the whole time at his house?

Because Donald Trump is Hillary Clinton? What? What? What? So, America really did elect the first female president? What? This is so insane! And if we had more time, we could talk about how great it is

that Hillary Trump broke the glass ceiling, or we could talk about how amazing it is that Sean Handy basically gave Trump a softball, and Trump hit himself in the dick with his bat, but we don't have the fun. We don't have the time to have fun with all of that because while American people are getting embarrassed by their leaders, Iran's people are rising up against theirs. Hundreds of Iranians risking their lives to protest the country's ultra-conservative dress code for women and much more. If they were sparked by the death of 22-year-old

Masa Amini while she was in the custody of Iran's notorious morality police, she was detained for the crime of showing her hair in public. In a brave show of defiance, women in Iran's capital of Tehran are now removing their state-mandated hijabs. The scope of these protests, John, are rare but also unprecedented in their feminist nature where you're seeing women at the forefront of these protests, leading these protests, taking to the streets, removing their headscarves, setting up bonfires, burning their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theironnesnescants theironsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsets. Women theironsets. Women theironsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsons..s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.aaaaaaaeeeeeee.ae. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia. tia. tieiea. ties. te. their. their. te. the forefront of these protests, leading these protests, taking to the streets, removing their headscarves, setting up bonfires, burning their headscarves, in chanting death to the dictator in reference to the supreme leader. Yeah, women in Iran.

Women in Iran, who all have stories of being detained or harassed by the morality police are fighting back. And rightfully so. Rightfully so. Think about it. You're going to have a bunch of random people walking around Iran telling people around Iran tell. You're going to have a bunch of their own bodies? In America, you have to be on the Supreme Court to do that. And what the women of Iran are doing is inspiring people thir thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. to thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. toooooooooooo. thi. thi. I mean you saw them, they're chanting death to the dictator in front of the dictator's troops. That is the definition of bravery, like actual bravery. Real bravery.

Yeah. Not like the way we use it here, like when a musician tries acting, oh this was a real risk for you. And that bravery has been contagious because in the past week, these protests have gotten bigger and angrier. And in response, the Iranian government is trying to control the flow of information by shutting down access to apps like WhatsApp and Instagram. But this is something I wonder with these governments sometimes. Do they realize that people protested before social media? Yeah, like civil rights leaders didn't have Facebook. Nelson Mandela wasn't on Tick Tock, like,

y'all is your boy Nelson, straight up kicking it in present. Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how this protest follows on the heels of a series of events that has turned Iran into a powder keg. The government's COVID response was terrible. Water mismanagement has caused massive droughts, the government has brutally suppressed labor protests, and on top of all of that, the United States has sanctioned Iran so badly that people can barely afford medicine. So this protest and this moment in time has many people in Iran wondering if this is going to be a tipping point. But we don't have the time to cover all of that because it

turns out Iran's government is not after taking to the streets. Young men chanting, I don't want to die for Putin. Mother's screaming, send Putin to the trenches, let our children live. This after President Putin suddenly announcing he would call up 300,000 men for military service after his massive losses in Ukraine. Other Russians are fleeing the country. Flights from Moscow to all visa-free destinations selling out quickly. There are also long lines of cars heading to Finland,

which has open borders. Yeah, that's right. After Russia's angriest elf announced that he was going to be drafting 300,000 people into his war in Ukraine, The Russian people are trying everything to get out of the country, which I totally get it I get it I mean, think about it. Think about it.

This guy is fighting a war for no reason. He made it up. It's like when your friend gets drunk and then tries to get you involved in a fight that they started. He's like, come on, bro, he spilled his shirt all over my beer. It's like, yeah, I'm just gonna Uber home. And you remember, the Russians don't have Uber, so they're trying every other way to get out, you know, any way they can. Some are flying out. Others are driving cross border.

Some are even hitting up Rondoes. fly Martha's vineyard years? And look, if we had more time, we could talk about whether the resistance to Putin's draft could spur more opposition to the war itself, or we could talk about how Putin needing to have a draft undermines everything he's set up until now, because remember, he's always insisted that this wasn't even a real war. So what do you need 300,000 more soldiers for? Does you need help moving to figure that out. Because while Russia is ramping up the war in Ukraine, here in New York City, there is a major escalation in the war on crime. Well, the MTA taking some new action to make our subway safer.

It's going to install security cameras in $5.5 million cost. Today, Governor Hokel got to test a major expansion of the surveillance system. Watch here as Hokel and MTA chairman Jan O'Leber board a 7 train at the Corona Yard, and then the hidden camera on board records them. Do you think Big Brother is watching you on the subways? You're absolutely right. That is our intent. That's right. I'm Big Brother, I'm the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to to the to the to the the to the to to the to the to to to to to the the to to to to to to to to to to to you on the subways? You're absolutely right. That is our intent. That's right.

I'm Big Brother watching over you. Just like in that book, I clearly didn't finish reading. Why would you want to be Big Brother? I get that they're trying to address crime, but we already have cameras in the subways. Yeah, they're called iPhones. Anything, anything that those security cameras are going to pick up was already on Tick-Tock two days ago. Don't get it twisted. And here's the thing. I'm not saying New York shouldn't try to make the subway safer,

but is it the right way to spend the money? Especially when you consider how many other problems with the subway, improve safety and accessibility, maintaining them so that they don't always look like shit's about to go down. Like have you been in a New York City subway lately? It looks like the world ended and Will Smith is about a shop with his dog. That's how it looks. Before we go, I just wanted to remind you that much of Puerto Rico is still without power in the wake of Hurricane Fiona.

So please consider supporting Hispanic Federation. They're already on the ground providing emergency relief services and essential supplies to the communities that are most affected by the storm. So if you can, please donate at the link below. The next few days are going to be essential to get emergency services and supplies to all of those who need it the most. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily show show to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to thears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.