The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | Biden Continues Building a Portion of Trump's Wall

Episode Date: August 6, 2022

Biden continues building a portion of Trump's wall, the U.S. kills Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, Kansas votes pro-choice, Beyoncé tweaks her album again, and Brittney Griner found guilty. Here's what you missed this week. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. First things first. Thi's first. According to astronomers, the earth is actually spinning faster than ever before. And because of that, it recently set the record for the shortest day ever. Yeah, June 29th was apparently 1.59 milliseconds shorter than a normal day. Yeah. And that's how you know things are going bad.

Even the earth is like, alright, let's wrap this up. Let's go, let's keep things moving. Let's keep things going. 1.59 milliseconds faster, right. I mean, you do know what this means, right? We all get to leave work 1.5 million seconds earlier. Yeah, baby! I'm gone! It also gives people a great excuse if they get pulled over. It's like, sir, if you've been drinking?

No, the earth is spinning super fast, man. It's making me dizzy, man. Then why are we all dizzy? I'm too drunk to answer that question. Meanwhile in environmental news a man in Utah has been arrested for accidentally starting a 60 acre wildfire while trying to burn a spider with a cigarette lighter. And yes this sounds terrible but I bet that spider learned his fucking lesson. You've learned that spider. In entertainment news, Brad Pitt wore a skirt to his latest movie premiere, and when he was asked why he did it, he said,

quote, we're all going to die, so let's just have some fun before we get out. Yeah, and I love that. What an inspirational way to say, it's Laundry Day. It's also been like, it's laundry day. It's also been like 200 degrees outside every day. The question isn't why is Brad Pitt wearing a skirt? It's why isn't every guy wearing a skirt? You're kidding me? If you fall out there?

It's got to the fabric on both sides, everything is cooped up. You walk outside and you work, spend five minutes in this weather. Before you know it, you're you're you're you you're you you you you you you you you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're walking you're you know it, you're walking around with two lightly poached eggs in your pants. Gotta let it breathe. Oh, oh, this, okay, this is a wild story. In travel news, Airbnb has announced that it will no longer allow people to list former slave cabins as vacation rentals after one listing caused an uproar online.

And this must be one of those things that's probably white people. I mean, no, because as a black person, there's no way I'm vacationing in a slave cabin. I don't care if it's renovated, there's no black person who's like, yeah, this is where I want to spend my vacation. So good for ABNB. I will say this. If I owned A.B.N.B. I'm I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. There's no, th. There's no, th. There's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no, there's no. There's no. There's no. There's no. There's no. There's no. There's no. There's no. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. there. there. listings. I would say, yeah, you can stay there if you want, but you're gonna have to have the real experience. Yeah, to surprise those people, barge into the cabinet 6 a.m. Like, here's your basket, fill it up!

We'll whip you in, I just wanted to see what it was like. Well, now you're seeing. But anyway, let's move on to some to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoge. their the their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their...... thoge. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooge..... th. th. th. the the th.. First up, yesterday we had another round of primary elections in America. And I'm just going to say this, this country has too many elections, all right? Every week, it's like, it's time to vote, but we voted last week. No, that was the vote to vote for who we're voting for this week. Then we'll vote on when we'll vote for the next vote. Vote, vote vote vote, vote. So let's check in on the results of these votes in our ongoing coverage of Vote Demick, 2022. So, last night was a very good night for Donald Jigly Puff Trump.

In Michigan, his candidate defeated a Republican who voted to impeach him. In Arizona, his candidate defeated a Republican who voted to impeach him. In Arizona, his candidates won the primaries for Senate and Secretary of State, and in Missouri, the Eric he endorsed beat the other Eric that he endorsed. Yeah, it was the best night for Trump he's had that didn't end with someone signing an NDA. And these Arizona races could have national implications because these Republicans, you have to understand the ones who are winning now, they all believe in crazy conspiracy

theories about Biden stealing the election in 2020. So if they win the final races, they could end up in charge of counting the votes in 2024. I don't know about you, but I know for certain I do not thru the the the the the the the th thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have thi thi their thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi their thi their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toe. I toe. I toe. toe. toe. toeat. toeat. tea. tea. tea. tea. thea. thea. in charge of counting the votes in 2024. And I don't know about you, but I know for certain I do not trust them with that job. Can you imagine what it'll be like? All right, another vote, another vote, another vote, another vote, that's a Trump vote. That's a Trump, yeah, what's it? That's a Trump, yeah, I saw that. That was Trump. That was Trump. Yeah, what's it? that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's a. that's a that's a that's a Trump. that's a Trump. that's a Trump. that's a Trump. that's a Trump. that's a Trump. that's a Trump. that's a Trump. that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. I. true. true. I. I. th. th. th. th. I. I th. I's Trump as well. Yeah, put it in. But that's it. Trump again. What was, look at that? That person spent Trump wrong. He said, BIDN. That's not how you spell. Trump, what they, they spelled it wrong? That's, all right. What's the final tally? What's that? Trump, one Brazilian Biden minus 10? Now, there is some good news. Other than the Trump virus spreading through the Republican Party like Vecna,

last night was actually a really good night for anyone who believes a woman should have a right to choose what happens in her own body. And it's all thanks to Kansas. In conservative Kansas this morning, a political earthquake and a big win for abortion rights supporters. Kansas voters rejecting an amendment that would have removed abortion protections from the state constitution.

In effect, keeping access to the procedure there. The turnout on a hundred degree day in the middle of summer was 53 percent. Historically high. They've never seen anything like this this is Barack Obama's numbers our state stood up and said no we're the first ones to say no so I'm just I'm overjoyed. Wow Kansas amazing Absolutely amazing Congratulations Kansas. Congratulations Kansas. It's moments likethese. I wish I knew which one of these

states you were. But either way, congratulations. No, for real, though, for real. This is a huge pro-choice victory. And it's especially amazing that it happened in Kansas. A state so read that Trump won it by 14 points. Yeah. No one expected this. This was a bigger shock than when Batgirl found out that her real nemesis is the CEO of Warner Brothers. And this is where you realize, this is where you realize as well. The anti-abortion views of right-winged lawmakers and some people on the Supreme Court, they don't mirror what actual Americans want. All right?

It's not accurate. And that's a huge problem in this country. It's like letting the craziest dude in your friend group plan your bachelor party. You're going to be like, I just wanted to play beer pong. How did we end up in a Bangkok present? Not cool, Samuel. Oh, and speaking of Earth-shattering news, Beyonce is changing her album again. Yeah, first, she took out the word spas from a song

because some people complained that it was ablest. And now she's removing a sample from one of her other songs because Keliz complained that she didn't get any credit from it. And look, I get what Biont's doing. It's very nice. But I also should point out, this could turn into a major disaster. Because you realize now, depending on when you listen to the album, you could be hearing completely different songs. Yeah, it's just going to change.

You don't even know what the thing's going to be. I heard, you won't break my soul. And someone else is like, you won't score a goal. Someone else's like, someone check this mole. You don't know. Can you imagine the chaos who's gonna cause? Yeah, the next time you had a Beyonce concert, Beyonce is gonna be like, everyone sing along.

We're gonna be like, we can't! Which version? Ah! Oh, and because Beyonce is now taking requests, Monica Lewinsky sent out a tweet basically saying, what about removing her name in one of Beyonce's old songs, partitioned. All right, it's a song where Beyonce sang, he Monica Lewinskyed all on my gown. Yeah. And I mean, I think we can all see why Monica wouldn't want that in a song. And for me personally, I also think Beyonce should change it in the song.

Because it's not right. Technically it should be he'd Bill Clinton on my gown. Because that's the guy who did all the jizzing. You gotta remember who did the thing. I'm not saying Beyonce did anything wrong, I'm just saying, Beyonce, you have to understand with the way American schools teach history. Your songs might be the only way children learn. It needs to be accurate, Beyonce, please. So whether you agree with it or not, Biance has made her choice and good for her. In fact, you know what I think? They should say some artists have to be forced to do it. Beantzze was nice, some artists have to be forced. Yeah, like R. Kelly. Yeah, part of his

sentence should be that he has to go back and redo all of his old songs. Because age is not just a number. Yeah, we're back in the studio. My mind's telling me no and now my body understands. that my body completely understands. My body completely understands. Oh, and speaking of people who wish they could go back and change the past, Alex Jones, far right-wing commentator and man who makes Donald Trump look like a reasonable human being, is currently on trial for spreading lies about the Sandy Hook shooting, saying that it was all a hoax. And today in the trial, one of the funniest moments came when he found out that his inept

lawyer had screwed up and sent the prosecution evidence that proved Alex Jones committed perjury. Mr. Jones, did you know that 12 days ago, 12 days ago, your attorneys messed up and sent me an entire digital copy of your entire cell phone with every text message you've sent for the past two years, and when informed, did not take any steps to identify it as privileged or protected in any way. And as of two days ago, it fell free and clear into my possession. And that is how I know you lied to me when you said you didn't have text messages about Sandoza, did you know that?

I mean, I was mistaken, but you've got the message, he's right there. I mean, I'm not a tech guy. I told you I gave in my testimony the phone the phone phone phone phone phone phone and so you've got my phone but we didn't give it to you. No Mr. Jones. Oh shit that was funny. Oh man I like how he was he was so shocked he started turning into every emogy was like like oh that. At one point he even tried to give himself COVID do you see there's a I can't speak you know the disease I said is fake yeah I got it I got it I've got it I got it I've I've I've I've I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got it I've got the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th got got got I've got got I got got I got th th that tho tho theeeeeeee tho tho tho tho the the the the the the the the the even tried to give himself COVID. Do you see there's a, I can't speak. You know the disease I said is fake?

Yeah, I got it, I've got it now, I got it. You know you're in trouble when the truth chokes you up like you want an episode of hot ones, you know, with those spicy wings? He's like, oh, I'm sorry. What did I say? this this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? this moment? th. this moment? th. th. th. this moment? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm? I's is is is is. I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I's? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm? I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th. th th. th. th th. th. th. thi. th. that Alex Jones probably committed perjury. Which means Alex Jones lies about stuff. Yeah, I know, that's shocking, because now I'm starting to wonder. Does that mean chem trails from planes aren't turning the frogs gay?

Was that also a lie? And by the way, where did he get that lawyer? Can we just talk about that? Because you see how the lawyers are sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting sitting is sitting is sitting sitting sitting is sitting they's the they's they's? Because you see how the lawyers are sitting there like, bob-bobbb-bobb-bid-bid-bidbidbidbidbidbidbidbidbidbidbbbbbbbidbbb. I would love to be there for that classic lawyer-client conversation during recess and we're just standing together so so how do you think it's going? It's like, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well in history, I think we still have a shot. I think we still have a shot. First of all, congratulations to someone out there for winning $1.3 billion in the Mega Millions Lotto. Did you boo or ooh? I don't know what that sound was.

It's the biggest lottery payout ever to a single winner. And it's wild to me that we just gave a billion dollars to someone who has proven that they're bad with money. Why are you playing the lottery? It's a terrible investment unless you win the lottery winners. thrown the lottery. theymeat. It's a terrible. Now, because jet, it's

probably them. Or Kylie Jenner, you'd never know. Meanwhile, in some shocking entertainment news, Beyonce isn't perfect. Yeah, this is the part where the tomatoes hit me, I know, I know. Because this morning, Queen B said that she would remove the word spas from one of her new songs because she didn't realize that it was ablest and if you're having a bit of deja vu it's because this comes just a few weeks later right a few weeks after or Lizzo had to come out and say the same thing she had to cut the

same word from a song which honestly must be so exciting for Lizzo right yeah she's probably like oh my god Beyonce sampled my scandal! It's so amazing, we should do a collab on like a no-sac apology. We should do this. Oh, and there's another pop star in trouble. This is a crazy story. Shakira could be facing eight years in prison for tax fraud.

Yeah, the Spanish government says that she dodged $17 million in taxes by pretending to live,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, to to to to to to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi, thi, thi, the, the, the the the the thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean thean the the thi, the government says that she dodged 17 million dollars in taxes by pretending to live in the Bahamas, when her real residence was in Barcelona. Bahamas, Barcelona. So yeah, it turns out you cannot claim your residence as whenever, wherever. That doesn't work. This is a good lesson for everybody here. And in Labor news, in labor news, this was one of the weirdest stories ever. A chick-filla in North Carolina got into trouble for asking for volunteers to work the drive-through window, right? And the reason it was volunteers is because instead of paying the workers,

the restaurant said that it would give them five free meals for every one hour shift. That they worked. Yeah. And I will say it really to show you how good chick fillet is. Because all of you paused for a second when I said this before getting angry, you're like, wait, would I? No! No! Does it include the waffle fry?

No! Boo! Boo! So that's what's going on. A bunch of random things. But, but thi on to some of the bigger news stories of the day. Starting with an update on Joe Biden. The president, whose approval rating is going through its own recession. As you all know, the president had COVID and then recovered from it last week.

But then, after testing negative, the White House doctor is reporting that Biden is now testing negative. The White House doctor is reporting that Biden is now testing positive again with what they call a rebound infection. It's definitely not the rebound Biden was hoping for, you know? You're like, come on Jack, I want positive and the poll numbers, rebound, you know what I mean? It's not a joke, man, come anyway. So anyway, the president is back in isolation again, but the white house says, don't worry, he's feeling fine and he will be working the entire time, although many of his supporters might not love his new project. President Biden says work can resume on former President Trump's border wall. The White House wants four gaps in the fence to be filled in near Yuma, Arizona. We're told us one of the busiest crossings for

undocumented immigrants. It's another reversal of policy for the president who vowed not to add to his predecessor's efforts in any way on that project. There will not be another foot of wall constructed on my administration. That's right, there will be many feet of wall. Ha ha! Gotcha, 2024. But yes, it looks like Joe Biden is completing Donald Trump's unfinished business. So, if I was Mike Pence right now, I'd be nervous as hell.

I'd be watching out. You know what I also love, what I love about the story is how Fox doesn't know what to do with these kinds of stories, right? Because they want the wall, but they also hate Joe Biden. You know, they're like, did you see what Biden is doing? He was against the wall, but now he's building it. I guess we have to vote for him, how does this work? But you do have to admit, it is confusing, right? Because Biden, he spent, to have to thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi's thi's thi. thi. thi. the thi. the the the the the the the waa, the wai. the wai. the wai. the wai. the wai. the wai. their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. the. the. the. theeeea. toea. toea. toea. toea. thea. thea. thea. the. the. thing against the wall. He was like, this wall is fascist, it is racist, and it's un-American. And now we're going to have it patched up in no time, folks. We're going to fix up this wall. We're going to fix it all up. Now, okay, the reason the Biden administration? And so they want to put up a wall to stop the people from crossing, which you have to admit

is a little weird, because now they're saying that walls do stop people from crossing. Yeah, but they're only doing it here because they want to make it safer, right, because the river is super dangerous. So they don't want people to try cross here. Other parts, I guess. Although if you really wanted to make crossing a river safer, then why wouldn't you just build a bridge instead of adding a war? None of it makes sense.

You know why? You know why? Because it's bullshit. That's why. Yeah. This doesn't make sense. Look, I can't say it for certain, but it seems like the only reason they're building a wall in these sections is because these sections could affect Democratic Senator Mark

Kelly, who's running for re-election in Arizona. And he's been pushing for these sections to be filled. When you see it through that lens, it makes makes, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia, the they, they, they, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, you, you, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, tho, tho, tho, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, these sections to be filled. When you see it through that lens, it makes a lot more sense. Migrants sneaking into Arizona? Eh, that's whatever. But Republican sneaking into the Senate, you've got to shut that shit down. And either way, either way, I hope this is one of those things that can bring America together. You know, this is one of those moments where people can unite, because when you think about it, Trump and Biden have more in common than we think.

They both want the wall filled in. They both have shady sons, and they both have close companions who require annual rabies shots. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing to see. Biden and Trump. Oh, speaking of Trump. The Tangerine Dream is back in the news with yet another scandal because this is one of the wildest things ever.

Because remember how his wife, Ivana, passed away. I'm really sad stories, he passed away. Well, it turns out the Donald may have managed to turn even that into a scam. Ivana Trump, the first wife of President Trump, has been laid to rest in an unusual location, near the first hole at President Trump's golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. The reason is unclear, but according to Insider, operating a cemetery on the golf course will allow President Trump to avoid paying taxes on the land. Wow.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Wow. Wow. A lot of people say, I'll pay taxes over my dead body. Trump means it. Just someone else's body. And even for him, this feels like a step too far. I don't care what anyone says. Like I, I wouldn't even laugh at that that that that that that that that th. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow, wow. Wow, wow. Wow, wow. Wow, wow. Wow, wow. Wow, wow. Wow, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, tho. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, And even for him, this feels like a step too far. I don't care what anyone says.

Like I wouldn't even laugh at that as a joke. If someone said to me, Donald Trump's ex-wife died, he's probably going to bury her on his golf course to save on taxes, I'll be like, yo, that's not cool, that's not cool. But it turns out Trump was like, wait, say more, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say. I'm gonna send this to my accountant. Keep going. What this really shows you is how strange the tax system can be. Like all this tax break does is incentivize you to be a weirdo. Who came up with this? It almost feels like the law is written by a serial killer. It's just like, there should be a law that if you bury a body in your yard, you don't have to pay taxes anymore. I was like, yeah, the senator whose enters keep disappearing makes a good point.

The motion passes. Good point, good point. It's ridiculous. A passenger on a flight from Bali to Australia was fined more than $1,800 for having two undeclared egg macmuffins in their luggage. And honestly, I don't know if they'll be able to pay for that, you know? No, because I mean, the type of person who saves egg muffins for later probably doesn't plan and has 1800 lying around for fines, do you know what I mean? But apparently, Australia is very concerned about bringing in food from Indonesia because there's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease and that's why they're being really strict.

And when I saw this is like, damn, do you know how poisonous you've got to be to get banned from Australia? Yeah, their border patrol is like, oh, a pet's night, throw killer spiter thrown. Oh, th. T th. Tegegegegegeg-a, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, tho! Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. That's. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. That's. Oh, th. Oh, th. That's. That's. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It's. Oh. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a. It's a. It's a th. It's. It's a their. It's. It's their their their their their their their hurt someone, Mike, that could really hurt someone. In sports news, the head of the Saudi Arabian golf tour revealed today that Tiger Woods turned down a $700 million offer to play for their league. Yeah, turned it down. Yeah, kudos to Tiger Woods. That is really amazing.

All these other golfers are just taking the money from Saudi Arabia. You know, but Tiger stood up, he's like, no, I would do the same thing. In fact, Saudi Arabia, offer me, that's 700 million. Yeah, you'll see. You'll see. Just put in my bank account. You'll see what I'll do. And the rest of you won't see me again, you'll see thah thah tho, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, ti,? Oh, here's something fascinating. Here's something. A major new study of 72 million people has found that poor children are much more likely to move up the economic ladder if they have friends who are rich. Yeah, I don't, which seems kind of obvious.

You know, I mean, I feel like they didn't need to do a whole study. They could have just watched fresh prints. But still now we know statistically that poor kids do better with rich friends, which shows you why it's so important to have different zoning when it comes to housing, to have schools that are integrated, you know, gets people on the same trajectory. I mean, on the downside, it also means that you have some kids coming back demanding weird snacks, you know. But Daddy, Theodore has prosciutto-rap-melons! Like, well The Theodore sounds like a little bitch, now, now, now, th, now, thi thi thi, now, now, now, now, now, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii's thi, thi, thi,ciutto rat melon balls. Like, well Theodore sounds like a little bitch, now eat your cheese stick. But anyway, anyway, let's move on to the big news of the day.

Because there is a lot of it, a lot of news. Starting with China, the original Build the Wall country. Since Jijin the today rose to power in 2013, the communist regime has steadily been increasing its influence around the world. Right? They've been advancing into Africa, they've been claiming territory in disputed waters, and most importantly, creating the perfect algorithm to get us all hooked on pink sauce. But one thing China wants more than anything is for the world to acknowledge that they own Taiwan. Which is why they've gotten super pissed off at where Nancy Pelosi just booked her Expedia trip. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has arrived in

Taiwan. The speaker arriving just really moments ago for a visit which has been controversial and speculated about four weeks now. She says that the congressional delegations visit is part of the unwavering commitment to support Taiwan's vibrant democracy. In the past few days, China launching the most aggressive military exercises in 25 years, accusing the U.S. of interfering in its internal affairs. Chinese President Shijimping warned President Biden in a call last week about the U.S. meddling in the contested territory. With Chinese officials reportedly communicating, those who play with fire will perish by it.

Two weeks ago, President Biden had warned the U.S. military did not want Pelosi to go. I think that the military thinks it's not a good idea right now. Yeah, I would agree. Now is not a great time to start World War III. I mean, the world has so many other things to deal with right now. All the drama on Love Island, you know? I can't believe that Eccanstu ended up with Davide, are you serious? And it's crazy that Pelosi just ignored Biden like that. Well, I mean, I assume she ignored him. Maybe she just couldn't understand him. You know?

Yeah, he was like, listen, Jack, don't skiddle all over the toward and Taiwanese. I mean, come on, man, we need to hear the American. You read me skipper? She's like, you got a Joe, I'm on my way. No! So now, because Pelosi has defied Chinese warnings not to visit Taiwan. The Chinese government is conducting military exercises in Taiwan's backyard, yeah, which is a scary escalation.

But at the same time when you think about it, it's also kind of ridiculous the countries do this. You know, they fly their planes past, aim their guns, but they don't shoot. It's scary, but it's also ridiculous. It's like threatening someone by standing outside their house. You want to mess with me, look at what I'm capable of. Ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, imagine this is your face. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, think about what you did. But let's move on from the war America may be about to start to the one it is still trying

to finish, the war on terror. As you know, it started on September 11, 2001, when the Twin Towers were destroyed by George W. Bush. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It was Dick Cheney. No, no, no, I'm no. It was Al-Qaeda. And the plotters of the attack included Osama bin Laden, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and Aiman al-Zawahiri. And America swore revenge, and over the next 20 years America killed Bin Laden, captured Sheikh Mohammed, invaded Afghanistan, invaded Iraq, bombed Pakistan, Syria, Yemen, Somalia and Libya,

deployed troops to Mali, Kenya and Nigeria and completely obliterated the big shampoo bottle industry. Only tiny bottles for you. But in that whole time, the US never managed to find Aman al-Zawahiri. Until yesterday. The US has now killed the world's top terror target. More than 20 years after 9-11. The hunt for bin Laden's number terror target. More than 20 years after 9-11, the hunt for bin Laden's number two is now over. He has been in hiding for more than 20 years, one of the world's most wanted terrorists.

But tonight, the United States finally cut up with Iman Al-Zahari. Justice has been delivered, and this terrorist leader is no more. Senior officials say the US government used an unmanned drone and hellfire missiles to target the third floor balcony of a residential apartment building in downtown Kabul. Experts say hellfire missiles do not explode. Instead, the missiles are equipped with razor-like blades, extending from the fuselage, which slice through a target. So it will go through and essentially vaporize a human body, but somebody standing within sheet of this person

would not be injured at all. A senior administration official saying, authorities spent months identifying Alzaware's patterns to avoid civilian casualties. Strike was so precise from a drone, it killed him on a balcony without harming any family members in the building. God damn. America clipped the world's most wanted terrorist off of his safe house balcony. I mean also at this point

maybe we should stop calling them safe houses. No, every terrorist gets killed in a safe house. They should they should call it a house that you think you're safe in, but you never know. What's crazy is that America didn't just kill him. They killed him with a razor blade missile, which I didn't even know as a thing. Did you? I don't know. The weapons America has sound like things that kids just make up on the playground. I'm shooting you with a laser guided missile with razor blaze

and a shark's body. Meanwhile the CIA is up in a tree like with a shark's body. Did you get that boys? We gotta go make one of those. Razor blade missile, that's especially genius. Because if it hits, you kill the target. But even if it misses him by a little, he gets like a really shitty haircut. And that's just as good. No one's going to be loyal to a guy with a bullcut. I will say, though, I will say, you know, when you see stories like this, you see stories about what America's capable of, this is where you realize there's really no excuse for the amount of domestic terrorism in America. All right?

Because Zawahiri, Zawahiri, lived all the way in Afghanistan, right, in some random safe house in the middle of nowhere, and America knew what time of day he liked to go out onto his balcony. But when a white supremacist post on Facebook that he's gonna murder everyone and then buys an error 15, everyone's like, oh, there was no way to stop there. Oh, if only he liked balconies. And I know some people are saying, oh, who cares? America killed Al-Qaeda's leader, but Al-Qaeda isn't even in the game anymore. They're like taking out Tom from MySpace.

That's not the point. The point is, America never forgets. Unless it's slavery, but everything else America never forget. You thought it was over. America came back. America is a kid who never stops playing hired and seek. Decades after the game is done. Yeah, you're at a retirement party giving a speech. And America pops up behind you like, found you bitch. I'm with my grandkids, not anymore. Still though, this is like one hell of a strike. They got him with a missile. I'm still stuck on this. A missile filled with swords. This is how I know I'm not cut out for the war room and like all of the things you need to do as commander in chief, all these. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thi, thi, thin, thiaa''a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a, that, that room and like all of the things you need to just command in chief all these I know if I was in that room I would not have been able to keep my

cool in there. All right. Talk to quiet Mr. President. They say contact and three two one. Oh shit. Oh, did you see the sauce? The sauce are coming out of me? Oh, how are you watching this? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. thioliolioliol-I's. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. thi. thi. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's thi. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. I'ma. to. th. toeea. toea. toea. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'ma. coming out of me. Oh, there's like Fruit Ninja. Ah! Oh, how are you watching this?

How's everybody just watching this? Oh, you're not even gonna flinch? Nobody's gonna flinch? Oh, I'm the only one. Oh, okay, you acting like you've all. the soul? that's it. the, you're, you're, I'm just playing, but where are you hiding? I see you go, oh shit, that was crazy.

And finally, today was a big day for the midterm primary season with a lot of closely watched races that will tell us a lot about the direction of the Republican Party. You know, will it be filled with the crazy extremist who worship Donald Trump like a God? Or will it be filled with traditional conservatives who worship Donald Trump like a God? And one race that everyone is talking about is the Republican Senate race in Missouri. And the reason it's getting so much attention is because Donald Trump decided to give one of the weirdest endorsements of all time. It is primary day in America former president Trump hedging his bets in a Missouri Senate race simply endorsing Eric a first name shared by two rival Republican candidates.

Trump has triggered confusion in Missouri after endorsing Eric in the state primary without providing a last name. There are two Erics in the race. Both Eric Grightens who's been accused of abuse and blackmail and Eric Schmidt, the current Attorney General have claimed the endorsement as their own. Now both Erics are saying the former president is supporting them. Each posted a statement online thanking tru-tru-o'n Trump for his endorsement. A source close to the former president told NBC News, leading off the last name of the Eric he was endorsing was intentional saying it was a quote epic troll. Just when you think you've seen it all from Donald Trump, he does something like this. There are two Erics running against each other in the primary and Trump put out a statement

endorsing Eric. Just Eric. Just Eric. He could be supporting any Eric in the world. Well, not any Eric, but you know what I mean. You know, I'm not his father. To me, the best part of the story is that before he made the announcement, Trump called Eric Schmidt and told him that he was getting the endorsement. Then he called Eric Gretens and told him he was getting the endorsements. But he didn't mention to either of them that he was endorsing both of them.

Yeah, what an asshole. Turns out the dude even brings infidelity into his endorsements, you know? He's the first politician to have a side Eric. You're the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only the only th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He's th. He's thioleck thiol- hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' th. Hea- he th. Hea- he's th. Hea' th. Hea' th. Hea' th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's thi. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's thea'er. He's thea'er. Hea' know? He's the first politician to have a side Eric. You're the only Eric for me, Eric. Don't listen to those other Ericks. They're just jealous. As you know, the Russian invasion of Ukraine has shown no signs of letting up. Why? Because Vladimir Putin clearly believes all of those dumb Instagram quotes about never giving up on your dreams.

God damn it, Vlad, we need more memes about realizing you suck and quitting. Anyway, because of that, the European Union is preparing all of its countries for a winter without Russian gas, which means they're going to have to make some really drastic changes to life. And in World News this morning, Spain is heated over an air conditioning ban. The government there says certain shops and bars that can't set air conditioning below 27 degrees Celsius. It's to limit dependence on Russian gas.

Wow! Public buildings in Spain have to keep their air conditioning above 27 degrees Celsius. And I know right now, all the Americans watching are like, oh my God, that's so hot or so cold? I don't know. I don't know, but I'm with you, Trevor, I don't know. Well it's hot. It's 80.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yeah, now you're with me, yeah. Yeah. And if you have to set your AC to that temperature, then what is even the point of having an AC? You may just just just th th th th th Thank you, Jared, that's so refreshing. Ha, were you eating Chipotle? And you know I feel really bad for the Spanish people. They need air conditioning, probably more than anyone else, especially because of how naturally hot Spanish people are. Yeah, just being Spanish. Raises any temperature in the room by like 10 degrees. You know, even in like a boring meeting, it's like,, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi thi-j-j-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i, that's so so so that's so that's so that's so that's so that's so that's so that's so th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-iaa-ia-ia-ia-ia-ia-ia. tha. tha. thperature in the room by like 10 degrees. You know, even in like a boring meeting, it's like, excuse me, Janice, but do you have the TPS reports from accounting?

We need it for the fiscal quarter. It's like, oh my God! Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how Russia is showing the world why it's so necessary to move away from fossil fuels, especially because of the countries the fossil fuels are connected to and because of climate change. But we don't have the time for that because of another shitty thing that Russia is doing. WNBA star Brittany Griner today found guilty and sentence inside of a Russian courtroom. Nine years behind bars for smuggling cannabis oil. The Biden administration calling the trial a sham and saying the sentence is unacceptable.

This is some bullshit. This is bullshit. We all know Russia doesn't care about what Brittany Griner did. Well, this is the same country that's breaking every human rights law on the planet, but they're like, oh, that woman has Vip Cartridge. She's real criminal. Get the fuck out of here, man. What bullshit. We all know it. We all know it. And the one piece, the one piece of good news it looks like is that this seems like

it's just a negotiation tactic. All right? Russia's like, ah, we have prisoner for nine years. You give us a prisoner who is in America for nine years, you know? And you know what I think they should just do it. Yeah, whoever America has in prison, their thi tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, is thi, is tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi thi thi th is th is th is th is th is thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi Yeah, it seems like they win, but don't forget that person now has to live in Russia. Yeah, yeah. They'll get them be like, this whole country is prison. I miss food in Alcatraz. No. Now if we had more time, we could talk about how this whole thing could have been avoided if the WNBA paid their stars enough that they didn't have to go and play in Russia in the offseason season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season season to make money. But unfortunately, we don't have the time to talk about that,

because there's another sports story about a male athlete who has broken out of prison, the prison of the mind. Aaron Rogers recently revealing on a podcast that he used psychedelic drugs to improve his outlook on playing football. The 38-year-old said, quote, I really feel like that experience paved the way for me to have the best season of my career. He opened up about his experience on Iowaska and a retreat in Peru. Iowaska is a plant-based psychedelic drug used to treat physical, mental and spiritual

issues in South American countries. Wow, okay. Do you understand how big this is people? Aaron Rogers just said, yo, I took drugs and that's part of the reason I crushed the game. Yeah, that shows you how much times have changed. Because you remember back in the 90s that bring someone like shack on TV to be like, remember kids, I'd rather kill myself than get high on marijuana. Don't do drugs.

But now this is accepted. And please, and please, don't don't thak, don't thu please, thuu please, thu please, thuu please, this is accepted. And please, don't get a twisted. He wasn't playing while he was on Iowaska. Although I kind of wish he was. No, because I'd love to see what kind of plays a quarterback would think of while they're on the journey, you know? All right, everybody, huddle up. It's fourth and one. So, Johnson, you're going to look deep in your soul, buddy. All right, and rediscover your inner child. All right, Debowski, I'm going to need you to hug that rainbow, man. You

just hug it real hard. All right, Coleman, stop floating. Come on, everybody, let's do this! Now, if we have more time, we could talk about how great it is to see people like Aaron Rogers, normalizing conversations around whether we can use psychedelics to improve people's mental health and cure them from addiction but unfortunately we don't have the time because speaking of addiction the Chaco Taco is back. Okay call this a comeback Klondike hinting that it might bring back the chocco taco after huge reaction to the news that it was going to be discontinued.

The company says it's reflecting on the outpouring of support and demand and figuring out what the next step should be. This is amazing! What? This is amazing! What? This is amazing! Clondike ended the choco taco, and the fans brought it back.

This is the kind of passion you normally only see in like the beehive or the B. Thee S army Yeah, in fact they should get their own name, you know the The Chococco flacco or like a like like the the Klondike Klux Klan maybe not that one but you get my point I'm just I'm just riffing I'm just riffing. Like if we had more time time time time time time time time time time time time time time the time time time time time the time time the time the time time the the time time time time the the time time time time time the time the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the I I I the I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm just I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toy toy toy ty. ty. I ty. I'm just toy ty. I'm just the the the the the the the the the the the the the fun with the conspiracy theory that this whole thing was a marketing stunt, or what other Tex-Mex foods could be ice creamified, but we don't have the time about, you know, to talk about any of that. I was just thinking of burrito, because you want to talk about something coming back from the dead, then this could be the biggest story of thii. A stunning medical breakthrough has raised questions about the line between life and death. Researchers at Yale University pumped a custom-made solution into the bodies of pigs that had been dead for over an hour. Incredibly, the chemical revived cells in the pigs liver, kidney and brain and their hearts even began to beat again.

Scientists say this could lead to saving more human organs for transplant. Scientists. Scientists Sweet Jesus in heaven. Scientists have found a way to bring dead cells back to life. Whole organs, people, hearts beating again. You understand how mind-blowing this is? Do you understand how mind-blowing this discovery could be?

I feel like you guys are fucking around right now. Pigs are coming back to life, people. You realize it's not a long way off? Well, you just could mean we're going to be in a world soon where you could revive people who already died. We could make a Jurassic Park but with people. Yeah. How dope would that be bringing your grandma back to life and visiting her in the park?

Oh no, the grandmas are escaping! Everybody, cover your cheeks. They got me, I'm too cute. I feel like this should be the only story in the news right now. Do you understand how big they, the pigs, they made the cells come back to life. They were dead. They made it come. You guys don't even understand right now. I don't even think you people understand right now.

You understand how huge, yeah there's always people like, who would you like to have dinner with alive or dead? Now that shit could happen? And all those dumb people like, I would love to meet Hitler and then it's like, hello, no! I don't even know why we're doing a TV. We shouldn't even be doing TV anymore. Everyone's talking about other things. They might have found a way to bring dead people back. You guys they might th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. They might might might might th. They might tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And all th. And thi. And thi. And thi. And tho thi. And tho tho thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo th. And th. And th. And th.. You guys still want to know about what? Joe Biden? I'm gonna fuck out Joe Biden right now. They use the thing, they put it inside. They've tried this with bypass machines. It doesn't work. The organs die, but then they pumped these pigs with like a thing called like organ X and now the pigs came... You people don't even understand what the pig. You people don't understand what I'm... they have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have the to have the to have the the to have the their to have their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. T. T. T. T. The their their their their their their their their their their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're th. They're th. They're the. I the. I've the. I've theate. I've the. I've the. I've the. the. I've the. I've the. I've their. T. I've their. They're to make the pig sleep, they gave it a nerve blocker, and then when they gave the pig a die injection to see what the brain was doing, the pig twitched. Yeah, yeah, now you understand.

This ethically is the craziest, we don't even, we're not ready for this. This could redefine death. What is death? Who is death? Who is death? Could be like an option now, you could die and you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, th, th, th, th, th. And, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, th then die and then do my funeral and then come back and watch it be like, oh that's what you said about me when I was gone? Okay, okay. This is wild. And I know it's scary.

The one piece of good news is though, it could lead us to a better world because someone has to bring you back. Yeah, so you'll be like, you guys are bringing me back, right? And people like, yeah, we'll bring it back, yeah. I'll teach you to be an asshole. Before we go, before we go, before we go, I just want to let you know that recovery efforts are underway after record breaking floodwaters have hit eastern Kentucky. The foundation for Appalachian Kentucky are doing all they can to help those efforts. So if you can, please consider supporting them and the important work that they do at the link below. The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Ears Edition. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central app. Watch full episodes and videos at the Daily

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