The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories - Britney Spears Is Free, a Hamster Trades Cryptocurrency & More

Episode Date: October 2, 2021

Britney Spears's father loses control of her conservatorship, Switzerland legalizes same-sex marriage, and a hamster becomes a superstar among cryptocurrency enthusiasts. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. Europe, it's Asia's foreskin. And right now, one of its nations has finally entered the 21st century.

Well, Switzerland has become one of the last countries in Western Europe to legalize same-sex marriage. More than 64% of voters approved the change in a referendum on Sunday. It is a historic day for Switzerland. Historic Day for equal rights for people of the same sex who love each other. Yay! Congrats to everybody in Switzerland! I mean, not for legalizing same-sex marriage, I mean, just for finally taking a position on something.

No, but this is great. I mean, finally in Switzerland, no one has to hide their love. Now they'll be able to devote their full attention to hiding Nazi gold. I will say though, it is weird to hear about a country legalizing something that most people probably assumed was legal a long time ago. You know, it's the same feeling I had yesterday, when they said Arkelli was convicted, I was like, wait, that happened now? Isn't that like 10 years ago? So this wasn't a thing? And you know, it it it it's th. It th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird, it's weird. thi, it's weird, it's th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. th th th to, to, th to to to th to to to th to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the ago? So this wasn't a thing? And you know it's weird, that Switzerland is so old-fashioned, like Switzerland of all places. I mean, they're the country that invented the world's most bangable cheese. You'd think they'd be loose, you know? What? But then what are the holes for? Why would they... Oh wow?

My bad. And you know, Americans always assume Europe is the most progressive place on earth until you see stuff like gay marriage being illegal in Switzerland or France trying to ban hijabs. I think that's how powerful a European accent is. A European could be yelling slurs at an immigrant family, and Americans would hear them and be like, Wow, dude, one enlightened man of culture. I gotta be better.

But let's move on to the climate. It's no secret that major climate disasters have been rising in the past decade, from hurricanes to wildfires and even tweet storms. And according to a new study, this new pace isn't slowing down any time soon. An alarming new study is shedding light on the long-term effects of climate change. The study published in the Journal of Science finds that the average six-year-old will live through three times as many climate disasters as someone born in 1960. That includes twice as many wildfires, over three times more river floods, and two and

a half times as many crop failures. The study also says the average child will encounter seven times as many heat waves as their grandparents. Yeah. This study says that children will live through three times as many climate disasters. Imagine that. I mean, luckily they'll only notice half of them because they'll all be on Tick day, but still. Also, the good news for these kids is that they can finally one up their grandparents' my life was so hard stories. Back in 55, there was a blizzard with

snow up to your neck. Bitch, that's an average Tuesday. Now give me my school gear, gotta swim to school, dumb grandpa. But let's move on. Because the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate the climate. the climate. the climate. thine. thine. thine. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's t. I'll t. I'll t. I'll t. And, toge. And, toge. And, toge. And, toge. And, toge. And, toge. And, t. And, t. school, dumb grandpa. But let's move on, because the climate is only going to kill us if we already haven't killed ourselves. And apparently last year, we tried really hard to make that happen. The FBI revealed today that murder jumped 29% in 2020 compared to the year before, the biggest increase since it began tracking the data six decades ago. Experts who study these trends say say say say say tha tha tha tha tha tha tha thens say thens say th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. their, thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to their, to to to to their, to to to their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. their, th. their, th. th. th. th. th. the. the. thea, thea, thea, thea, theu. today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, thea. thea. t tracking the data six decades ago. Experts who study these trends say two factors have formed a deadly combination. More people forced to stay home because of COVID lockdowns and a huge increase in gun sales, especially to first-time buyers. One bright spot, property crimes were down for the 18th year in a row.

One reason, with more people at home, fewer houses are burglarized. Okay, this is not going to be a popular thing to say, but this amount of murder actually, actually seems reasonable to me, you know? I mean, think about it, think about it. People were stuck at home with their family and with their roommates 24-7 for a year. That's a year of snoring, chewing loudly, arguing about whose turn it is to wipe the Amazon packages. Yo, I'm shocked everyone didn't kill everyone. I mean, at some point during the lockdown,

I bet murder just made sense. If I kill my roommate, I go to jail, but at least I'll have my own cell? Mmm. And by the way, it's funny how people don't talk about murder, the way they talk about COVID debts. Have you noticed that? Like, you don't have any deniers being like, yeah, he was shot in his home, but he was old, and he had heart disease.

Are we sure it was the bullet that did it? I'm just saying, I need to say to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do my to do my to do my to do my to do my to do my the ththat did it? I'm just saying. I'm just saying I need to do my own research. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Children, you know, their Ypill bottles are so damn hard to open. And it turns out they're also the hottest new market for social media companies. But today, one social network realized that its new kids app had gotten a little too hot. We get started on this Monday morning with an exclusive announcement from the head of Instagram,

Adam Massary. Earlier today Adam said that plans to create an Instagram for kids. You might remember this. Well, those plans are the plans are the plans are the plans are the plans are their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their t. t. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. their. their their. their. today. today Adam said that plans to create an Instagram for kids, you might remember this? Well, those plans are being paused. That app was intended for children under the age of 13. This is a hot topic because Instagram has recently come under scrutiny for the impact that has on our kids, especially teenage girls. I do want to be very clear that if anybody leaves using Instagram feeling worse about themselves, that's an important issue that we need to take seriously and then we need to figure out how to address. Okay, first of all, how are you in charge of Instagram and just now realizing that it's bad for kids? I mean, that's like the McDonald's CEO being shocked to hear that the ice cream

machine isn't working. Since when bait. Yeah, I said it. Also, nobody wants to see photos of little kids' brunch. What's that even going to be? Like a fruit roll up and a juice box? That actually sounds pretty good. Now I want a fruit roll up. But my bigger question is, who are these children with iPhones? Are you kidding me? You know what I had to play with when I was a kid, a rock. I played with a rock every day of my entire childhood. And you know what? I turned out just fine.

Yeah, just asked my girlfriend, this beautiful rock. Oh, no, baby, not in front of the guys. Oh, you can't say that. Anyway, as I was saying, I turned out fine. Yeah, we're gonna fuck later. Yeah. All right, but let's move on to our next story. Crypto currency, the main retirement plan for people who own pet snakes. Although, one of the most successful crypto investors may actually surprise you.

So a hamster in Germany named Mr. Gox has been treating a portfolio of about a dozen cryptocurrency since June 12th, and so far his returns have been impressive. In a rigged cage that's live streamed on Twitch, the hamster spins a wheel to pick a crypto, then runs through one of the two tunnels, each labeled buyer-sell. As a Friday, his investments are up nearly 24% according to the Twitter feed that documents the animal's daily performance. God damn! That groundhog that predicts the weather got into the wrong business. And I mean, yeah, I guess it makes sense, you know, that hamster has about the same

understanding of crypto as anyone else, so why shouldn't it also get rich? I just feel bad for all the human crypto traders who are getting outpermed by a......... th. th. to, Chad, Chad. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the the the the to, to, the to, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the animal, the the the the the the the bad for all the human crypto traders who are getting outperformed by a hamster. Good numbers this quarter, Chad, but not Mr. Nibblesgood, he'll be getting your promotion, loser. But hey, I'm not hating. Congrats to that hamster. Although it must be bittersweet to get that rich and then die from a kid feeding you a crayon. Amazon. It's why your favorite bookstore is now a crackden. And now they've got a new product in the works.

Amazon just unveiled a fleet of shiny new gadgets at its fall product event. The real showstopper, a tiny rumba looking robot with a tablet of sorts on top, about the size of a small dog. It's the Amazon Astro. Kind of like an Alexa on wheels that can follow you around the house. So instead of yelling for the weather across the room, you can just talk to the little gadget, a robot with eyes by your feet. You can have it spy on the kids or the dogs in a specific room and see the live stream all on your phone. It can th. It can th. It can th. It can th. It can the th. It can the th. It can the th. It can the the th. It can th. It can the th. It can the their the dogs in a specific room and see the live stream all on your phone. It can play movies or video call and no it cannot climb stairs.

But it has an arm with a camera that extends up about four feet to look at things from a normal height and a little cup holder. So you can literally tell Alexa to hold your beer. And get this, it can recognize faces. So you can tell it go find David and it will offer a thousand dollars a thousand dollars a thousand dollars guys I'm sorry I will never spend a thousand dollars on a designer robot especially not when there are thousands of adorable robots in shelters looking for a home adopt donopt, don't shop.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I do like that it has a cup holder, you know, or as it's known in an Amazon warehouse, a pee holder, but aside from this cup holder, this robot barely does anything. I mean, at least not for the customer, you know, because best believe that when we leave the house, it's doing a hell of a lot the for Jeff Bezos. Scanning house, my scan indicates he has just been dumped, show him ads for tissues and lotion, lots of lotion. But let's move on, because while humans are inventing new robots, they're also killing off nature's robots, animals. Here's some sad news.

Today the US government will declare 23 bird fish and other species of animal extinct. Fish and wildlife says the ivory-billed woodpecker is the best known of the group. In these cases, many of the animals have not been seen in years. The ivory-billed woodpecker, for instance, was last officially seen in Louisiana back in 1944. Some scientists warn the global rate of extinction is a thousand times higher right now compared to historical averages. Man, this is so so the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thiol-a, thiol-a, thi, thi, thiolid, thiolid, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. toda. today, ty. today, today, today, today, today, the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. times higher right now compared to historical averages. Man, this is so devastating for these poor animals.

And you know what, tonight? I'm pouring one out for the ivory-billed woodpecker. Because we're going to miss it so much, man. We can't be having that wood. Oh, no, no, no, no. Ah, that was. Oh guys, my bad is he drunk? No he's dead. He's dead. Sorry. And look, although this is horrible, I think we have to look on the bright side as well. If the extinction rate is up, at least that means things we don't like might go extinct too,

you know? Things that serve no real ecological purpose like mosquitoes, like mosquitoes or f-boys. Not to mention, is this really surprising? Like, is this a surprising story? No one has seen this woodpecker since 1944. And they've just now concluded it's extinct. It's kind of like the government announcing now that there won't be any more Frank Sinatra albums? Yeah, I kind of assumed. Thanks, government. I mean, honestly, guys.

I think after going missing missing missing missing missing missing missing missing missing missing missing missing if these animals showed up again. Because like, where were you when I needed you, Ivory-Build woodpecker? I was getting bullied in school by a tree, and you weren't there. You weren't there for me. But now, they're gone forever. The experts say that they're extinct and we just have to accept it. Although I have a different, some would say, dangerous theory. Did these animals go extinct or did they all adapt over time to become invisible to the human eye? I'm just asking questions, man. And finally, let's move on to one animal

that hasn't gone extinct. Alligators, they're what you milk to get gatorade. You know how normally Florida man is someone you would never want to be? Well, this time, Florida man is the hero we all need. So this video right now, you have to see it to believe it. One man took an interesting approach to catch an alligator. Here we go. So this man here using a trash can as you can

see the alligators moving back, moving back and here he is and now check this out he has on socks and slides. Okay, thank God he captured that alligator because let's be real. My man did not have on the proper footwear for this situation. I mean, this is not what you wear to catch an alligator. This is what you wear to a waffle house at 2.30 a.m. and yes, both are extremely dangerous situations but only one requires running away from a little dinosaur that wants to eat you. But still, I mean, this dude was a lot braver than I would be, you know? Like I had to call my neighbor once for backup just to kill a cockroach in my kitchen.

It turned out to be an almond, but I still have nightmares. That shit was close, man. At the same time, I will say, I actually feel bad for this alligator. I mean, not as bad for the garbage man who's going to open when an alligator loses a fight to a human, it's because the human has a gun or a fancy trap. But when this alligator goes back to his swamp, you know, all his friends are gonna be like, yo, so, how'd they beat you?

I don't want to talk about it. Hey, why do you smell like it? I said, let it. When 60 minutes premiered in in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at.

That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. The COVID vaccine, the best way of discovering how crazy a person is. Recently, employers have begun telling people they either have to get the shot or they lose their job. I mean except for Nathan he's losing histhey either have to get the shot or they lose their job. I mean, except for Nathan, he's losing his job even if he does get the shot.

Because that's not what copy machines are for, Nathan! And it turns out that while a lot of people said they would never get the vaccine, being forced to make a choice has altered their calculations. In our health lead, vaccine mandates for health care workers seem to be....... the the the their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. them. Employers, the. the. the. the, th. the, the, the, the, to have to have to have to have, to have, toe. I, toe. I, toe. I, toe. I, toe. I, toe. I, employers, employers, employers, toe, employers, employers, employers, employers, employers, th. Employ. Employers, employers, employers, employers, employers, thi. Employers. Employers. Employers. Employers. Employers. Employers. Employers. the, employers. the. the. the. th th th th th th th tho th th tho the. the. the. the. Employ, vaccine mandates for health care workers seem to be working. The vast majority who faced a Monday deadline chose to get the jab rather than lose their job. Vaccinations in New York City jumped 45% a day since the first mandate was announced. New York says that as of Monday night when the vaccine mandate officially went into effect, 92% of hospital staff, 92%

of nursing home staff, and 89% of adult care facility staff had received at least one dose of a COVID vaccine. And consider that a week ago, all of these numbers were in the 80s. United Airlines announced this week from less than 1% of their 67,000 person worked for us did not comply with their mandate. Since Tyson Foods announced its vaccine mandate last month, its vaccination rate has gone from 50% to 80% with the deadline still more than a month away. That's right people. Vaccine mandates work.

And if you ask me, this is a win-win situation. Yeah, because think about it. It'll help keep everybody safe and it gets the economy moving again. And then for the people who still didn't get vaccinated, look, I don't think you're right, but if you are, your win is that we all die and then you guys inherit the entire earth. Ha! I mean, think about it, you can move into all the mansions. There'll be no lines at Disney World. No one's ever going to. the economy the economy the economy the economy to be to be the economy. to be to be th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy the economy th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, the thin, the the thin, into all the mansions, there'll be no lines at Disney World, no one's ever gonna pee in the urinal next to you, it'll be pretty sweet for a while until you all die of measles because you don't believe in vaccines.

And I think it's funny because so many anti-vaxes were like, I'm never taking vaccines. It's the principle of the principle of not being a broke-ass bitch. The only thing about this that surprised me though was learning that the rates of vaccinated nursing home staff is up to 92% which is great don't get me wrong but shouldn't that be a hundred percent? I mean they work with the most vulnerable people. Hearing that only 92% of nursing home staff are vaccinated is like finding out that only 92% of skydiving instructors believe in parachutes. Now, this is where most instructors would pull the card.

But I don't know, man, I read about the dangers of parachutes on Facebook. As long as you got a strong immune system, you'll be okay when you hit the ground. All right, let's move on to some news about Brittany Spears. Formerly a girl, yet currently a woman. It has been 13 years since a court put her under a conservatorship, which means she can't spend her own money, she can't make her own career or medical decisions, and she can't even choose her own fighter in super Smash Bros. She just has to be Diddy Kong every single time. But yesterday all of that came to an end. Meanwhile Britney Spears waking up this morning for the first time in more than 13 years without her father in control of her life

or finances. The judge's decision being seen as a huge victory for her and her team. The new conservator in charge of her finances, an accountant hand-picked by Brittany's legal team. He and others will work in the coming months to unravel the conservatorship, eventually leaving Brittany to run her own life as she chooses. Brittany absent from the hearing, appearing on Instagram in a video flying a plane, writing, she's on Cloud 9. Outside the courthouse, hundreds of supporters gathered many part of the free Brittany movement.

You know what's what Britney's wanted for so long and what Britney wants, I want. Yes! Brittany is free! And props to her fans for making this happen. Because you know who really was ahead of the curve? That's leave Brittany alone person. Yeah, at the time we were like, whoa, that's a little over the top and now we're like, yo, let's put this mother fuck on the Supreme Court. No, but for real, like this has been such a great movement, you know, like everyone from MSNBC hosts all the way to Ted Cruz was speaking out in support of Brittany. Like this could use more of that, you know. That's why I've chained Joey for Tonup in my garage.

Come on, y'all, let's come together one more time and free Joey. We've got a free Joey, everybody! Ha! And look, as happy as I am for Brittany, the bigger issue is conservatorships themselves. Because you do realize any of us could be thrown into a conservatorship at any point, at any point. Someone just has to go to prove to a judge that you can't handle your own life. And I mean, who is handling their own life well? Nobody. I mean some guy could take me to court and be like, your honor? What kind of person wears hoodies on a TV show? He's clearly not well. But if we're not going to end conservatorships, we could at least at at at at at at at at at at to to th. to to to th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to toee. toee. toee. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. th the. the. th the. But if we're not going to end conservatorships, we could at least apply them more selectively. I mean, Britney Spears is worth 60 million dollars, yes, but she doesn't need a conservator. You know who does?

People with 60 billion dollars. Most people are out of control. I mean, name one thing Brittany has done that's as wasteful and just like mindless as going into space in a giant penis. And speaking of conservatorships, there's one country that might need some help in running its affairs. Tonight, the worst fuel crisis to hit Britain in decades. I didn't think it would be as bad as it actually was until I actually came out on the roads and it was awful.

At least two-thirds of the country's gas stations now running unempty. A severe shortage of truck drivers leaving pumps dry across the UK. The UK's lost tens of thousands of drivers this past year. Many forced to leave the country because of new visa rules for foreign workers after Brexit. The government is trying to repeal temporarily some of those visa restrictions in the hope of enticing 4,000 EU truck drivers over here as soon as possible to get them on the roads. Yes, there's a huge gas shortage, or petrol, as they say in Britain right now. It's hurting the economy, and I heard it completely ruined the new James Bond movie. Because car chase scenes just aren't as exciting when halfway through, you have to get out of your car and push.

Dee-D-Dee. So basically what happened is the is is is is is is is is is is is the UK is the UK is the UK is the UK. There is the the the the the the the there is there is there is there is there is there is there. There is there. There is there there there there there there there's a there's a huge there's there there there's a huge there's a huge there's a huge there's a huge there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there. There. There. There there there. There there. There there. There there. There there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there. There's there's there's a there's a there's a the the the th. There's a th. There's a thi th. There's a the. There's a the. There's a th. There's a there's a huge. There's a huge. There's a there there's a there you have to get out of your car and push. So basically what happened is the UK past Brexit because they were all sick of the dirty foreigners coming in and taking their jobs and now there's a fuel crisis partly because those dirty foreigners were the ones driving all those dirty gasoline trucks, which which really shows you how everyone hates the idea of immigrants, way more than the actual immigrants, or what the immigrants do. This always happens. It's always like, the immigrants are taking our jobs! Okay, all the immigrants are gone. Do you want the job now? Well, I mean not me personally, no, but I'm sure Nigel would love that, wouldn't you?

No? Well, not Nigel either, but I mean, I'm sure there'll be somebody who wants the job. What about Oliver? What do you mean he's in America? Do he what? A TV show? Well, do that? So he doesn't want the job either.

Before we go, thousands of people are reported missing every year in the United States, and while not every case will get widespread media attention, the coverage of white and minority victims is far from proportionate. The Black and Missing Foundation is an organization whose mission is to bring awareness to missing persons of color, provide vital resources and tools to missing persons families and friends, and to educate the minority community on personal safety. So if you can, please consider supporting them at the link below.

Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11th, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible.

I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Min Like, none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.