The Daily Show: Ears Edition - This Week's Top Stories | BTS Joins South Korean Military

Episode Date: October 22, 2022

BTS joins the South Korean military, the 2022 midterms prove to have some of the wildest campaign ads yet, MacKenzie Scott donates $85 Million to the Girl Scouts, and Liz Truss resigns as UK’s Prime Minister. Here’s what happened this week. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day Try it for free at this exclusive web address zip recruiter dot com slash zip. Zip recruder the smartest way to hire You're listening to Comedy Central Central. The FDA has announced that there is a nationwide shortage of Adderal. So, if you don't have a genuine need for it, please save it for anyone who has a legitimate prescription. And if you do have a prescription, thrown. So, if you don't have a toll that school kids, catch in.

to make that money. And if you do have a prescription, now is the time to sell it at school, kids. Catch in, make that money. In international news, the superstar K-pop band, BTS has announced that its members will soon begin reporting for mandatory service in the South Korean military. Yeah, which is great news for South Korea.

Oh, because their army is basically unstoppable now. There's no army in the world that is going to take a shot at these guys. Are you kidding me? Who's going to be stupid enough to take a shot? Everyone's a fan. Enemy soldiers are going to be like, ah, I just got stabbed by gin. This is the last day of my life. Oh in tech news Kanye West announced today that he is going to buy the right-wing social media platform

parlor because quote he wants to make sure we have the right to freely express ourselves and thank God because I've been waiting to hear Kanye his unfiltered thoughts on things. You just never get to hear that you guys ever hear of anything else to say? So shy. that that that that that that that that that that that that he he he that he he he is he is that he is he is that he is that he is that he is he is he is that he is that that that that that he is he is he is he is going he is going he is going he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is going he is going he is he is going he is going he is going is going he is he is going is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is he is th th th th th th th th th th th thi is thi is thi is thi is thi is thi is going tho to thi is going tho thi is going thi is going thi is going thi is going thi is going thi is thi is thi is th waiting to hear Kanye's unfiltered thoughts on things. You just never get to hear that. You guys ever hear of anything he has to say? So shy. So shy. So shy. All right, let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day.

Starting as we so often do with Donald Trump. And I know, I know, I know when Trump is in the news, court doing more crimes, but this time it's also because of that. The man loves to crime. What can I say? So let's find out about his latest one in our ongoing segment, America's most tremendously wanted. You may remember that after he left the White House, Trump created his own social media app called Truth Social, which is basically just Twitter but for white supremacists. And before you say, wait, aren't the white supremacists already on Twitter? Yes, but on truth social, they're verified.

Now, believe it or not, believe it or not, there might also be a dark side to Truth Social. A whistleblower is now accusing former President Trump's social media company of violating federal securities laws. Will Wilkerson is a former executive at Trump Media and Technology Group, which launched the Truth Social Platform. He tell, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, the, th, th, th, the, thi, thi, thi, the wa, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, thus, thus, thus, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thui, thui, thui, launched the Truth Social Platform. He tells the Washington Post that Trump's company tried to raise capital by making fraudulent misrepresentations about its finances. The SEC is now investigating.

The co-founder told the Washington Post, the former president asked one executive to relinquish his shares in the company to former First Lady Milania Trump and had him removed from the board of directors when he refused. What? Donald Trump's social media platform was reportedly engaged in shady financial gimmicks? How? It's called Truth Social. I don't know what to believe anymore.

Oh, oh. You know, one of the most interesting allegations is that he tried to bully one of his board members into giving his shares to Melania, which is just so romantic. Yeah, ladies, find you a man who will commit securities fraud for you. Are you kidding? You have to admit though, shares in truth, social are a weird gift, you know? It almost sounds like Trump didn't remember until the last minute. It was just like, of course I remembered your birthday, Melania. I got you.

I got truth social shares. Surprise. Surprise. Totally love it. And also the tie I'm wearing. The funny thing is truth social is such a failure of a company that she probably didn't even want the shares. You know, it's almost like when your kids give you that gift, but it's just like a piece

of macaroni art for your birthday. You know, she was probably just like, oh, so cute. You think this is worth something. Thank you, Donald. Now, just to be clear tha thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thii thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi. thi to be clear, just to be clear though, I am totally on Trump's side in this story. Yeah, yeah, it's the year 2022. If you go into business with Donald Trump and you are surprised that you got scammed, that's on you. What were you thinking? Look, I know the last guy that Trump worked with almost got hanged by an angry mob, but I think I'm going to turn out fine.

I don't know what can go wrong. I've know what can go wrong. So let's move on. From Donald Trump to this year's hot new mini-Trump, Herschel Walker, Georgia's Senate candidates and closed captioning's worst nightmare. There are a lot of controversies swirling around Walker. His attack on absentee parents, despite being one, his opposition to abortion despite allegedly paying for one, his attempt to become a senator despite not knowing how many states America has.

And in his first debate over the weekend, Walker tried to clear up one controversy with a little prop comedy. At a debate Friday night, Herschel Walker responded to accusations that he has pretended to be a police officer by flashing what appeared to be a fake badge. I have to respond to that. And you know what? So funny? I am with many police officers. In a new interview, the former football star

says the badge is real. He says he got it from the sheriff of Johnson County, Georgia. Walker clarified it's an honorary badge. The National Sheriff's Association said an honorary badge quote is for the trophy case. Why make the decision to flash it at the debate? That is totally not true. You know, I don't know what's crazy in the story. The fact that this man lied about being in law enforcement, or the fact that he pulled out a fake badge during a debate. During a debate.

Or the fact that after the sheriff's association said that his badge is just an honorary one, he said, no, they're wrong. They're totally wrong. It's a haterball table in here? He's like, it's an honorary prison. Does he treat every symbolic object like this? You're like, people say I'm an absentee father, but if that were true, why would I have this world's best dad, huh? Not okay dad, not a good dad, world's best dad. That's official. In that. In that. In that. In that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, thathea. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Does, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. the. the. the. the. thee the the the the the the the the the the the theeean. the. That's official. In fact, I have seven of these mugs to prove it. And some I haven't even received yet.

You know, the saddest part of this story is that there are people who are gonna believe that Herschel Walker was in law enforcement because he pulled out this badge. This is something I've learned in America. If people see it, they believe it. It's the same same the same the same same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same th. People people people people people people people people people people people people people thi. People their thoom, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. thi. thi. th. thi. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. theeea. theatea. thea. thea. thea thea thea thea thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. they believe it. It's the same way there were people who believed that Trump actually did step away from his company just because he posed next to a stack of empty folders. Yeah. And you're like, he's lying. People like, why would he be lying? He's standing next to empty folders?

Would he stand next to them if it wasn't true? Are you next to empty folders? No, you're you're not. throwne. But th. But, but it. But, but it. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, they? they? they. they. they. they? they. they. they. their? they? they? their. they, they, they, they, they, they. they. they, their. their. their, their. their. their. their. their. their? No. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th th th te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. the the the the the the the te. the the doctorate from NYU this year. But you don't see her in the operating room like, well, killed another one, huh? All right, let's get lunch or try again later. Yes, maybe I'll try brains next time instead of hot. I will say, the one upside of this whole story, though, is there is some good news. Because this means that Georgia voters don't even need to elect Herschel Walker Senator. They can just give him a certificate that says, honorary senator, he won't know the difference. He won't know.

But let's move on to some criminal justice news. Right now, a right-wing militia member named Paul Belar is on trial for hatching a plot back in 2020 to kidnap the governor of Michigan Which means every day the jurors have to look at a man accused of an evil heinous crime? Just imagine that every day staring into those eyes are you turned on? No because apparently someone was. Well, a juror has been dismissed from the trial of three men in connection with the 2020 plot to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. She was dismissed by the judge on Friday after, attorneys accused her of flirting with

one of the defendants. Now, the flirtatious behavior was described as nonverbal communication in the form of eye contact and smiles between the juror and defendant, Paul Belar................ the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thrueer, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, throwere, throererererererererererereruuuuuuuuuuuorouuuuuuorouuruuruuuorou.eererererererererererer, the, the, the flirtatious behavior was described as nonverbal communication in the form of eye contact and smiles between the juror and defendant Paul Belar. While the prosecutor originally pointed out the conduct, several others, including Belar's attorney, stated that they had seen interactions between the two. The judge dismissed the juror out of an abundance of caution. God damn. First of all, congrats to this woman for finding a new way to get out of jury duty. Huh?

Truly an inspiration for us all. But I have to say, I have to say, I'm kind of sad that they kicked her off the case. Think of how great it would have been when they read the verdict. We, the jury, sentenced the defendant to life with me. I guess the real lesson here is that bad boys stay winning. This guy is literally on trial for trying to kidnap the governor and he's still getting love. It's always like this. Every famous criminal has all these groupies are like is there a

Messer serial killer? Oh, oh there was but you chopped her into little pieces? So you're single now But I would like to know how this happened. How did this happen? Because when you report for jury duty in America? They make you watch a video that expressly tells you what you should and shouldn't do. Please remember, while performing this sacred civic duty is important to avoid doing the following things. Reading about the case in the news, going like this to the defendant. Going like this to the defendants.

Going like this to the defendants. Thank you for your service and please don't try to smash. Everyone watches that video. How did that happen? All right, finally. Let's talk about the latest news in Russia's war with Ukraine. If you've been following the war, you know that almost everybody has been helping Ukraine fight off the world's worst Botox customer. America is sending weapons, the EU is sending financial assistance. England is sending Prince Antrue. Not to help, they just want to get rid of him.

But it may surprise you to know who has been giving Ukraine the internet service. And how close it recently came to going away. Elon Musk reversing course. The billionaire now says his SpaceX company will continue to fund Ukraine's critical satellite service. Space X's Starlink internet service has been a vital source of communication for the Ukrainian military during its war with Russia. The reversal coming after exclusive CNN reporting that SpaceX sent a letter to the Pentagon warning that it may stop funding the service unless the U.S. military kicks in tens of millions of dollars each month. Musk tweeting this weekend, the hell with it, even though Starlink is still losing money

and other companies are getting billions of taxpayer money we'll just keep funding the Ukraine government for free. You know Elon Musk is the only person who can do a good thing but in the bitchiest way possible. You know it's just like yes I'll just keep helping Ukraine for free. Look I'm not gonna even try to tell Elon Elon thu to use his money but I will tell you this Elon Elon this Elon Elon this Elon this Elon this Elon this this this tho. tho. tho. thu. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. thi. the thi. the the thi. thi. the the their. their. their the the to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. the. the. th not going to even try to tell Elon Musk how to use his money, but I will tell you this, Elon, this is not how you get remembered as an inspiring figure in history. All right? You're doing a good thing, but then you're saying it like that? Can you imagine if Martin Luther King Jr. had this attitude when he was trying to do his good? I have a dream? I have a dream. I a dream. I a dream. I a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have a dream. I have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have a dream. I have a dream. I have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. I th. I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to. I. I. I. I to. I to. I. I th. I th. I th. I'm. I have th. I have a thi. I have a thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thr. I'm try. I'm try. try. I'm th. th.a.a. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm see nobody else having a dream.

So I guess it's on me. I gotta sleep 20 hours a day because these bitch asses don't want to come up with dreams on their own. People be like, Martin, you want to go to the club, but I can't. I gotta go home to sleep because I gotta have a dream. There's some bullshit, but I guess I gotta do it anyway. It wouldn't be the same same same same same same same same same same same same the same the it anyway. It wouldn't be the same. Can I tell you what I think happened here?

What I think happened here is Elon Musk saw an opportunity to be the good guy and make a lot of money. Give the Ukrainians internet, but then over time have the American government step in and pick up the tab. Yeah. But because they said no, now he's stuck. He is keep losing money or be the asshole who cut off Ukraine's internet. And I know some people think Elon is evil, but he's not cable company evil. Come on. And I actually get Elon's frustration because think about it. We weapons manufacturers aren't donating missiles to Ukraine. The US government is paying them, so Elon is going, well why shouldn't I get paid? And also like everyone else, I'm sure Elon didn't expect the war to go on for this

long. You know, it's sort of like when you hold the door open for someone, right? But then other people keep walking through the door the door. the door. the door. So so so so so so so the door. So, the door, the door, the door, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, the door, so, so, the door, the door, the door, the door, so the door, so, so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their, so their.. So, so the the the the the the the the the the the the thu. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the door for 20 minutes and finally you let go and then it slammed some old lady in the face he's like, oh you broke my nose and then your boss runs up and he's like you're fired and you're like I don't even work here he's like not with that attitude you don't and now you're an asshole and you're unemployed just because you were trying to be nice. Finding great candidates to try to find a needle in a haystack. You might th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. thr-in. the thr-in. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. You th. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. I I I I I I th. You. I th. You. I th. I's th. I's thr. I's to to to to to toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. thr. thr. thr. th. th with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiter's powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're

looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address.ziprecutor.com. Z. Z. Z. Z. Z. Z.org.org. Z. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to the to. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toa. to to to to to to exclusive web address.ziprecruiter.com slash zip. Again that's zip recruiter.com slash zip. Zip recruiter the smartest way to hire. TickTock has officially announced that users will now be able to run live streams for adults only. But before you get excited excited, the app says that nudity and sexually explicit content will still be prohibited. Which like, what's adult-themed if it's not sex and nudity? And I was just like, oh, who's ready to watch me refinance my mortgage? The interest rates are so huge right now.

I don't think I can afford to live in my house anymore. In international news, Japan's oldest toilets, which was 500 years old, was destroyed when a man accidentally backed his car up over it. And you know, I've heard about people trying to cover up what they did in the bathroom, but this is taking it a step too far. It's also amazing how putting the word oldest suddenly adds gravitas to something

that none of us actually care about. He broke the toilet, so it was the oldest toilet. Oh no! I need to call my mom. And by the way, if you're wondering, the oldest toilets in New York City is the subway. In some consumer news, UberEats has announced that they will start delivering weed in Toronto, Canada. Which is amazing. Yeah. Weed delivery?

What a game-changing service that no one has already been using forever. Especially under the name Repair Guy on my phone. Wow. All right, let's move on some of the biggest stories of the day. We are now in the home stretch of the midterm campaign season, which means it's almost that time of the year. When you wake up on that one special morning in November, and you're like, oh shit to th shit th shit tho shit the tho s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s' thiiiiiii thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to to to to to to to to thi the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the three weeks to go, this is the last chance for the candidates and the

shadowy billionaires who fund them to make their case to the voters. And as always they're making that case through campaign ads. In fact, a record 9.7 billion worth of ads. So if you live in a string state, basically every ad you're see on TV right now, thi by the time November comes around, you're going to be praying to see the ads that you used to hate. No more! Please, I just want to know when Toyota Thon is on, please! Now, I don't need to tell you guys, but political ads in America can get pretty wild. they really can't. And as the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country the country thoomk. the country the country the country the country the country their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. t t t t t t t t t t t tea. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. tte. ttt t t t t t t and more polarized, the type of political ads that come out become more and more intense. So I figured, let's enjoy some of the latest blockbusters in another installment of Vote-Demic

2022. All right, let's start our ad watch with the Republicans. Now, for this election, they want everything to be focused on three issues. Inflation, crime, and pretending they didn't hear that thing Trump just said. So they've been running ads emphasizing these issues. Some of them have been subtle, but Louisiana Senators John Kennedy has decided that subtle is not his style. Violent crime is surging in Louisiana. Woke leaders blame the police.

I blame the criminals. A mom should not have to look over her shoulder when she's pumping gas. I voted against the early release of violent criminals, and I opposed defunding the police. Look, if you hate cops just because of the cops, the next time you get in trouble, call a crackhead. I'm John Kennedy, and I approve this message. Okay, all right, all right. First of all, nobody's going to call a crackhead. It's 2022, I'm gonna

text a crackhead. It's such. I'm gonna text a crackhead. That's such a crazy way to frame things, though, right? He's like, violent crime, call a crackhead. The senator's acting like cop and crackhead are the only two options. That's it. What about social workers? What about mental health experts? What about heroin addicts?

There's all range, people. It's also weird for a guy who's been in office for six years to complain about crime and then campaign on it. I find it a little strange. Ever since I got in the office, crime has exploded, re-elect me so I can't figure out what's going on. Because I don't know where this logic goes, right? Because no matter what happens, Republicans always thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what tho-a, what tho-a, what thi, wo-a, what tho, what tho, wo, wo, wa, th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what th. What, what thi, what thi. the. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. to to goes. Because no matter what happens, Republicans always want more cops. Crime is up, we need more cops.

Crime is down, we need more cops. Like, what, does the plan just to keep hiring until the entire population is just cops? Yeah, that way I got an eye on me, yeah. Maybe the solution is just to hire crackheads as cops. Yeah, because first of all, they're always there when you need them and say what you will about cops versus crackheads but at least the crackhead is not going to plant crack on you. They're keeping it for themselves. It works out. I know it might be a little crazy but you got to admit a crackhead detective show. That sounds like a great idea for a CSI spin-off. The victim is on the table next to the flowers that he bought for Valentine's Day.

I guess that means it's time to go. Smoke some crack. Now obviously Democrats have a whole different set of issues that they want to emphasize. Voters don't trust them on the economy or inflation right now. So the Dems want this election to be about things like climate change, protecting democracy, and pretending that they didn't hear the thing that Joe Biden just said. But the main issue Democrats are running on is reproductive rights and California Congressman Eric Swarwell just put out one of the most hardcore campaign ads you've ever seen.

Mary Anderson? Yes. I have a warrant for your arrest. A rest for what? Unlawful termination of a pregnancy. You gotta be kidding me. That is my personal business. That's for the courts to decide, ma'am. Your medical records have been subpoenaed and Dr. Landry is already in custody. No, my God, you can't just... You will have to submit to a physical examination. What? By who? No, no, no, no, no one's touching.

No, no, I want to. I can't, take it, take it. Man, turn around. Put your hands behind your back. Now. Why is this happening? Love you. We're just enforcing the law here. Elections have consequences. Vote Democrat on November 8th. Holy shit. That was intense. You don't usually expect a campaign ad to turn into an episode of Black Mirror. What was that? I actually feel bad for the shows that had to

come back from that ad break. You see that? Why is this happening? Mom, you'll never see your mother again? No! And now back to young Sheldon. Look, it is wild. It is wild how overturning Roe has upended society so much that now white women can be as scared of the police as black people are. And yes, and yes, this ad is obviously exaggerating things to make a point, but it is true that in many states in America, cops could show up at your door if you had an abortion. They could arrest you and they could force you to have a physical examination. I mean, ironically, it's probably the only free health care you'll ever get in America. And so, look, I know, I know the ad was a little heavy.

So I thought, you know, let's lighten things up with a local campaign ad for Linda Paulson out of Utah. Now, you probably look at this picture and you think, oh, oh! There's no way this little old lady could spit fire over a dope rap beat. Well guess what? You're right. I'm pro-religious, their tribe. Hey, Utah District 12, listen up right here. There's a new name on the ballot for the Senate this year. I'm pro-religious freedom, pro-life, pro-police. The right to bear arms and the right to free speak. But in schools they are pushing push thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuui are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are tha tha tho tho tho tho tho tho-a tho-a-a-a-s, tho-s, tho-s, to to-s, to-a-a-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, to-s, tho-s, tho-s, tho tho tho tho tho tho the the right to bear arms and the right to free speech. But in schools, they are pushing for new beliefs.

And just to clarify, that's a female adult, I know what a woman is. If you share my values, if you like what I stand for, then give me your vote on the 8th of November. District 12 needs a choice. Let me be your voice. Linda P Paulson for Senate. I don't exactly know how, but I'm pretty sure that that was racism. I don't know how. But I'm pretty sure that that was racism. I don't know how. I don't know if you noticed that.

Did you notice that at some point the beat stopped? But it stopped itself. Like she was so off beat. It's almost like the beat was like, am I the one messing up? But wait, do you know I'm here? What is happening? Yeah. Gangster rap, Linda. Unfortunately, after recording that track, Linda was hit in a drive-by shooting. Yes. Tragic, but when you're in the game, you're in the game all the way. Here's my question. Who is this for? Who is this ad for, right? Because she is a conservative Republican in Utah.

Nobody who supports her likes rap, is going to see this video and be like, man, I wasn't going to vote for Republicans, but her flow just can't be denied, Bee? And by the way, if you are a politician who insists on rapping in a campaign video, can you at least try rapping in a style from this century? I'm Linda Poulson, your shit is corny, Miss Paulson. Get with the Times, update your reveller, like use a trap beats at least. In fact, the trap beats is actually better for politicians because nobody can understand

what you're saying. You can just dodge any moments at any debate or any reporter. You know, just be like, Senator, what is your position on cutting Medicare? Well, here's what I do. And I think that answers your question. Get them on the heat. Cut them out of the heat. Man them drop. I think that answers your question. And I think that answers your question.

What's the mean? You know what I was thinking is like, what do you think about it? Joe Biden has basically been doing trap music this whole time. Ha'am bribes, come on, man. Hey, ma'am, man. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast.

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the day after Thanksgiving, aka Black Friday. Yeah. And I'm surprised that they're doing this because I thought that the NFL would be busy on Black Friday scouting Walmart for new talent, you know? That grandma would just tackle that kid, let's get her a two-year deal. Also I love how the league made this big announcement, like it's a genius idea. Wow, football on a Friday, yeah it's football, put it on any day it works. It's football. It's like, ooh, sex on a Tuesday, yeah, brilliant idea. It's good whenever. Don't overthink it's. In money news, the U.S. Mint is about to release new quarters featuring 1930s actress Anna May Wong,

the first Asian American to ever appear. Yeah. Which is great news for representation. And great news for bad tipers. It's going to be like, you only tip me a quarter? It's like, wow, okay, I didn't know I was dealing with a racist. Which quarter?

In international news, British Prime Minister, Liz Truce, is now officially the lowest polling prime minister in British history. And is now in danger of losing her job after only six weeks. Yeah, when asked for comment she said, any woman can break the glass ceiling, I'm proud to have shattered the glass floor. All right let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day starting with the Girl Scouts of the USA. You know the Cinelloa cartel of baked goods. After years of struggling with falling membership and sinking revenues, One Girl Scout has stepped in with with with with with with with with with with the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoom thoom thoom thoom thoomom. thoes thoes thoome after thoome after thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoes thoes thoes thoes thi thi thi thi thi th. th. thi the thi the the the thi w w w w w w woes. thia thia thia thia thia thia thia thi. thi. thi. the the theauuu. theauu. thoinging woauneaul. thoauul. thoauneauauauauau. theaua cartel of baked goods. After years of struggling with falling membership and sinking revenues,

one Girl Scout has stepped in with the ultimate good deed. The Girl Scouts of the USA just received their largest donation ever by a single person. Billionaire philanthropist Mackenzie Scott just donated $84.5 million to the organization. The Girl Scouts leadership says that the money will help them recover from the pandemic which drove down membership. Scott has donated some 12 billion dollars to charities since 2019. Wow. Thanks to Mackenzie Scott the Girl Scouts are now bowling out of control! Which is great, it really is great because the Girl Scouts do an amazing job of training a new generation of leaders providing a community, although I will say they've got to be careful, you know, because this kind of

money could easily change your vibe. Yeah, this year they're earning badges for computer coding and rock climbing. Next year it's going to be badges for crystal popping and tax evasion. Because we'll be like,, for discovering that the Cayman Islands are superior to Panama, we award you this. Obviously, I'm joking, I'm joking, right? The girls are still going to be selling cookies. This is going to be doing it out of the back of a Bentley now. Just like, buy them or not, we don't carry the way you broke ass, bitch! And as for McKenzie Scott, how can you not love this woman, huh?

Because she's exposing what billionaires don't want you to realize. Billioners are always like, if you raise my taxes even a little bit, how will I have the money to feed all of my private jets? But think about it, McKenzie Scott has only been a billionaire for three years and she's already given away $10 billion more than her ex Jeff Bezos has given away his entire life, the entire life. And get this, and get this, she's still a billionaire, don't forget that. Yeah, it just goes to show how much good you can do when your main priority isn't

going to space in a giant metal penis. There are things you can do. Anyway, let's move on. Let's move on to some big sports news. For decades, boxing dominated the world of prize fighting. Then MMA came along with a roundhouse kick and became a worldwide phenomenon. And now, we might be witnessing the birth of a new era. Slap fighting. It's become a viral sensation over the past few years and now UFC President,

Dana White is starting a league! He got approval yesterday for it to be a licensed athletic competition in Nevada. His power slap league will be regulated by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. And as you can guess, slap fighting features two competitors across from one another, throwing slaps with open hands to each other's faces. Ah, the sport has been around for several years, but never regulated until now. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Slapping is about to become an official sport. And those big dudes might be the champs for now, but it's only a matter of time before the sport is dominated by immigrant moms. Feet on their couch! Feet on their couch! Ah! Ah! Ah!

You know, I don't know about you. I don't know about you. But I am excited to see how the Nevada Athletic Commission plans to regulate the rules of the sport. Like, are you allowed to flinch? You know, can I use my moves from school? Is Will Smith the raining champ? Is that how it works? You know what I would propose?

I would propose to make the sport more exciting? You know how in wrestling they try totalk, right, to get people going, and then in boxing, they do the way in where they challenge each other and they say things. What they should do for slap fighting is they should have each fighter say something first that warrants them getting slapped, you know? Just like, I never liked your mother's cooking. Oh, fuck! And by the way, by the way, I like that that that that that that the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their the is thi is thi is the is say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say I to say I to say I to say I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say to say and more sports that divorced men can excel at. Getting slapped, eating 100 hot dogs. You realize we're basically two weeks away from there being a sport that's just sleeping on your friends pull out couch, right?

It's just four days, and he's still on the couch people. This is why he's the goat, can you see this? And before you're one of those people who's like, you know, this is a bizarre idea for a sport. Is it really a sport? Every sport sounds ridiculous when you first hear about it. All right? I mean, it's not a real sport. Every sport's not a real sport. Pick any sport, any sport, like NASCAR. Imagine that first conversation? So we're all going to drive really fast in a big circle? Yeah, yeah. But what if I lose control and crash into the wall? Well, that's what we're all hoping for.

Right, and finally, everyone knows that the internet has made shopping easier than ever. You know, sometimes I get packages without even ordering. Yeah. I mean, sure, they accidentally put the boxes on my neighbor's stoop, but hey, it's free, I can't complain. But this year, this year, it looks like online shopping will be a little less easy than before. As holiday shopping season approaches, you may find something a little bit different this year.

Returning gifts may not be so easy or cheap anymore. Buyers beware, free returns may soon be a thing of the past. The cost of returns is becoming so astronomical for retailers. Right now they have no choice but to pass that cost on to the consumer. One reason for the new return fees is an increase in what's called bracketing. That's when a consumer buys the same clothes in several different sizes and colors with plans to return what they no longer want. The National Retail Federation reports $218 billion worth of online purchases were returned

in 2021. That is more than double the amount in 2020. As a result, some major retailers are now adjusting their return policies, including H&M, which is now testing a return fee in certain places. No. No, no, no, no. No. How are you going to charge people for returns?

If I want to make a rash decision on a whim and then change my mind, I shouldn't have to pay a price for it. That's the whole point of America, huh? I thought this great nation is about. You make decisions. I think I'd look good in this jacket. You know what? Never mind. I think I'd look good in Iraq. You know what?

Never mind? And you know who I blamed for this? I blame the Democrats. Yeah. They should have codified the rights of free returns when they had a supermajority! You could have done it, Nancy! I don't want to lose free internet returns. Because you realize what that means? That means we're going to have to go back to the old way.

Now you remember the old way? If you wanted to return a shirt, you'd have to drive all the way to the store, you have to wait in line, and to look the cashier in the eye and try to convince them that the shirt was already burnt when you bought it. Valenciaga made it like this. Actually you know what? I blame the clothing stores for all these returns in the first place. Yeah. We wouldn't be forced to order all these different sizes if each clothing store didn't choose

to have their own sizing system. In some stores, oh, you're a medium, then you go to another store. Now you're a six, then in some stores they're like, if you're usually a medium, you probably want to go with a large, then just call it a large! Our sizes run small, then why don't you make that a medium? then you're doing? Can you imagine if I owned a pizza store and thol and tho and tho and one slice and I was like, oh yeah I forgot to tell you, our pies run small. I bet you now that conversation would end with a championship slap fight.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Now that pretty much everyone has gotten through COVID at least, what, sceiaids are wondering what that's doing to our bodies. And the answer is not great. We have some more concerning news now about the long-term impact of COVID-19. A study shows that it speeds up aging. An epidemiology expert from Washington University in St. Louis studied long COVID's impacts on your organs. In his research he noticed patterns indicating the kidneys, the brain and the heart all age faster after about with the virus, the brain and the heart, all age faster after

about with the virus. Yeah, that's right. Researchers say COVID can cause your organs to age faster than you are. I'm not even sure what that means. I guess you turn on the TV to watch euphoria and your kidneys are like, what about blue bloods? Come on. No, for real, this is disturbing news. Fighting COVID is so difficult

that it ages your body parts. I mean, that is a great excuse for the next time you can't perform in bed, though, you know? Baby, you gotta understand, my penis is like 85! And this is the scary thing about COVID. Because it's a novel virus. We still don't th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho the scary thing about COVID. Because it's a novel virus, we still don't know what the long-term side effects might be. And what sucks is that it's always going to be bad.

We know it's always going to be bad. Like viruses never have good side effects. News anchors are never like, breaking news, we're learning now that nine out of ten people people suffering from long-covict get the to-o'c-o, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, thoom, tho'n, tho'er, tho'er, tho'er, tho'er, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, thi, tho, and, and what's tho, and, and what's, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, so so so so so so so so-s, and, and, and, and, so-s, and, so-s, and, so-s, so-s, so-s..s.s.s.s-s.Suuuuu.Siiii-s.Si-s.Si.Si.Si.Si.Si.Si.Si.C's-s.Si.Si.Si.Si.Si.Si. What's t t thi. What's-s, what's-s, what's-s, what's-s, ands time, we could talk about the long-term strain COVID is going to put on the medical system, or how weird organs are in general. Like, why do we have so many? Why don't we just have one big one that runs everything? But we can't get into that important medical discussion, because while COVID-crui-ski, because while COVID takes coming up with new ways to attack our. Well, tonight, a third of Ukraine is without power after Russia destroyed power stations

in the last eight days. President Zelensky says Russia has thrown the country into massive blackouts and is urging his nation to brace for a tough winter. For the last month, Russia has targeted Ukraine's electricity grid, especially substations that serve as junction points between cities. Just yesterday, Russia unleashed these, a swarm of kamikaze drones to dive bomb energy facilities throughout the city.

Yeah, after being beaten back by Ukraine's forces on the ground, Putin has now resorted to using kamikaze drones, catty bitch. And you know, if this doesn't prove that Putin's strategy is failing, nothing will. Because you never need to use kamikaze when you're winning. th. You. You. You. to. to. to. to. to. to, you. to, to, to, to, to to to to the to to to the the the to to to the to the to th. to to to thi, to to thi, their, thi, thi, to to to to to thozy, thozy, thozy, their, their, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, ty, ty.a, trymea, tieuuu.aqqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqa, tie, that Putin's strategy is failing, nothing will. Because you never need to use kamikaze when you're winning. You know? It's like any time you see someone rushing somewhere with their hands full of paper towels. You know things are not going according to plan. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Oh shit. And by the way, also, can we stop calling them kamikaze. That's just ghost riding the whip. And kamikazes from Japan. So this is a war crime and cultural appropriation. So you're canceled, Vladimir Putin! Yeah! Let's see if Twitter will do what the UN could not. By the way, an interesting detail in this story is that Russia had to buy these drones from Iran, which kind of makes you question their military might.

You're supposed to be one of the most powerful militaries in the world, but you ran out of shit already? Like, you realize America never runs out of weapons. Never. America has so many weapons. Sometimes it'll sell weapons to countries that it's going to fight just to make space. You know, all right, here you go, Iraq. Now, like, like, like, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, like, th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. tha. tha. tha. tha, tha, tha, to. to to make space, you know? We're like, all right, here you go, Iraq. All right, now let's do this. Piap-piap! Now, if we had more time, we could talk about how Russia's access to weapons from other

countries reminds us that the global sanctions aren't as global as we think because they still have ties to Asia, South America and the Middle East. Or we could talk about how this Ukrainek, this Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine this Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine this Ukraine Ukraine this Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine the Ukraine the Ukraine is completely their their their their energy supplies, but we don't have the time to get into that. Because while Ukraine is in turmoil, there's another country in Europe that somehow is in even more of a shit situation today, Great Britain. And that's one story we definitely need to make time for. Breaking across the pond a political earthquake, just 44 days. That is how long Prime Minister Liz Truss was in office before resigning just in the last few hours. I recognize though, given the situation, I cannot deliver the mandate on which I was elected by the Conservative Party.

This makes Trust now the shortest serving Prime Minister in 301 years. God damn Britain, another Prime Minister, another Prime Minister? And this one only lasted 44 days. Boris Johnson had COVID parties that were longer than that. You realize how hard it is to get tired of somebody this quickly? Usually politicians get a period of time where you like them first and then you hate them. But Britain hated Liz tr Truss basically from day one. Imagine being on a first date. On a first date with someone

and they're like, oh I'm so sick of all your shit. But we just met. It's like I know and I'm suffocating. Actually if this was a relationship, I feel like at this point Britain's friends will be sitting down with it like, listen, honey, you've been through four prime ministers in six years. They can't all be the problem, huh? I'm just saying maybe it's time to turn the vote of no confidence on yourself, yeah? In fact, for the next prime minister, maybe maybe the UK should take things a little slow. Yeah, this is chaos. For the next one, maybe, maybe don't put a label on it. There's so much pressure, the Prime Minister. Maybe, maybe just have them be the person who lives at 10 Downing Street. In fact, don't even live

there. Just sleep over here and there. Yeah, then maybe leave a toothbrush behind, you know, and then they get a drawer for their clothes, and then when you're sure that this is the Prime Minister for you, then you bring them to meet your friends at the G7. How about that, you know? And you're like, yeah, yeah, we're a thing. We're a thing. Oh, and by the way, remember, the reason Liz Trusts is because she came into office making worse decisions than a company's social media manager during Black History Month, terrible budget plans,

firing finance ministers, going back on her own policies, sending the Queen to meet Jesus. Things were going so badly, so badly that the British press trolled her with vegetables. In a sign of just how tenuous her standing was, and perhaps how brutal UK politics can be, a British newspaper began tracking a head of lettuce to see if the embattled trust would last longer than the produce, and it did. Yeah, that's humiliating.

That is humiliating. Imagine being so bad at your job that you lose a joke contest. Yeah, because at first people were like, ha ha, I bet she can't last longer than a head of lettuce. And then by the end of it, they were like, should the lettuce be prime minister? And maybe the lettuce will be the only one that wants the job. Because right now, Britain's parliament sounds more chaotic than a family reunion at Herschel Walker's House. Yesterday was a shambolic day for her.

We heard early in the day that her Interior Minister, the Home Secretary Sewella Braveman, had resigned over an issue, over improper use of her emails. And then later in the day, we heard that she had, in fact, been fired. And then there was a vote in the House of Commons, which descended into chaos. Some lawmakers alleged that government officials were actually physically pushing them, intimidating them into making decisions that they wouldn't otherwise have made. One lawmaker even alleged that some MPs were crying in the toilets of the House of Commons. What a shit show? Did you hear that?

People were shoving each other, crying, swearing, quitting, unquitting? It's almost like the whole government turned into a high school drama club rehearsal. I mean, members of parliament were crying in the toilet. Multiple members of parliament. Like, how many? Was there a lion? You know? There's people like, are you almost done in there?

Other people are waiting to cry lion, you know? There's people like, are you almost done in there? Are you almost done? Other people are waiting to cry too, you know? It's coming out, hurry, it's coming out! It's actually too bad that this happened in Britain and not in Japan because, you know, at least Japanese toilets so advanced, they can, they can probably actually help and console you, you know? There, there, Trevor, you're doing the best you can. Thanks, Toto. Don't forget to wipe. Yeah, I remember. Wiping is very important. Remember what happened last time?

Shut up, Joto! Just shut up! Shut up, you don't help. You're not helping. You're not helping! You know, you know, The craziest part, the craziest part of this whole story, is that Liz Truss only became Prime Minister

because Boris Johnson was embroiled in so many scandals that he was forced to resign. That's the only reason she got the job. So you'll never guess who might be replacing her. The big issue though for the Conservative Party and for this country is that no one really knows who's going to be able to replace her. There are a number of names in the mix, including I have to say Boris really knows who's going to be able to replace her. There are a number of names in the mix, including, I have to say, Boris Johnson, who's currently on holiday and on vacation at the moment in the Caribbean.

There are a number of conservative party members who are calling for Boris Johnson. I went to my constituency at the weekend, and the strong message that I got was bring back Boris Johnson. Some supporters and some allies of Boris Johnson say that he may may to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their thi thi their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their Boris Johnson, I have their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thoiiiiii. thooooo. thoooo. thoooo. thooooo. thoooo. their their their their their their their their that I got was bring back Boris Johnson. Some supporters and some allies of Boris Johnson say that he may throw his name into the ring, which would be pretty remarkable since he was forced out by scandal just six or seven weeks ago. Oh, that's right people. Old Boris Johnson is looking pretty good right now, isn't he? Not physically, of course. No, he looks like a Pomeranian who got stuck in a dryer. Politically, though, people are like, he's not bad.

Here's an honest question, though. Britain, are you, are you really going to put Boris back in office? Boris Scandals, Johnson? There is nobody else who could do this job? Nobody? In the entire country? Like, what about Paddington? Everybody loves him? Yeah.

With that voice, he could even have bad policies. No one would care. I want to burn all the migrants. Awe. You crazy tyrants. Now, look, if we had more time, we could try and figure out Britain's next top minister, or we could place bets on how long they would last, but we don't have the time because we have to go to an ad break that is probably going to last longer than Liz Truss.

Before we go, I just wanted to remind you, please consider supporting the violence intervention program in New York City. They work within Latino communities to end domestic and sexual violence by providing emergency shelter, their teaurace for long-term economic stability and their children. So if you want to support their work, then please donate at the link below. Watch the Daily Show, Weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.